Why Does My Husband Resist Doing Household Chores?

This is one of the top marital problems I discuss with married women in my practice. And on the flip side, husbands tend to feel most nagged about this very issue.

I will admit even I am guilty as charged. Even after 22 years of marriage, my wife and I still struggle with this one from time to time.

In fact, studies show that this type of martial strife rated #2 only to arguments over money. And recent research confirms that married women, despite also working outside the home, still handle more of the household chores and childcare responsibilities than their husbands. Today’s married woman is truly navigating a whole new landscape. For the first time in history, she can find themselves juggling an unprecedented number of roles — wife, mother, homemaker, professional, community leader, and caretaker to aging parents. And it is extraordinarily tough to tease out what is fair without real role models or practical guidelines.

Taking steps to change any perceived imbalance in a marriage is vital. Resentment and anger can gradually build up and pose a real threat to the long term health of your relationship. And if you are a parent, be particuarly vigilant. The current dynamic provides a less than ideal model for your children. Let’s explore some of the reasons at the root of this issue and practical tips to make your home feel less like a battleground and more like a refuge.

Nature and Nurture Differences

Experts agree this issue is deeply rooted in gender differences linked to both our biology and how we are raised. It has been ingrained in both sexes to perceive household chores and childrearing as the woman’s primary responsibility. Male roles have been more typically oriented outside the home. Only until very recently in human history has this perception begun to shift. So I am willing to bet your husband grew up watching his mother bear the brunt of managing the household and parenting.

In fundamental ways, we are hard wired to revert back to childhood models in our adult life. And to further complicate the issue, psychologists suggest women naturally tend to take on increased responsibility for maintaining familial relationships and dynamics. After all, women are usually more interpersonally oriented. It can very difficult to shift perceptions that we were taught as children and that are also partly encoded in our DNA. That’s why this issue is so pervasive. Yes, this is incredibly frustrating but though difficult it is not impossible to begin to shift behavior.

Your Domestic Partnership

Here are tips on how to address this issue in a way that will yield a mutually satisfying outcome:

Approach the Issue Wisely?Make sure to pick the right moment to discuss this issue. The right time to discuss things is not in the heat of an argument over dirty dishes. Or when your husband is exhausted from a tough work week. Wait for the right moment when you both have the time and energy to discuss things with maturity, clarity and above all, respect.

Use the Right Approach?Don’t ask your husband for help — this implies you are the one primarily responsible for the domestic duties. This is not the case in a marriage that is a healthy partnership. Instead, focus on him doing his share.

Make sure to use those magic “I” statements to reduce defensiveness. Communicate to your husband how supported/attracted to him you feel when he actively participates. For example, you could say: “I feel so unappreciated/lonely/hurt when I take care of all the cleaning after dinner by myself.” “I am so grateful when you offer to give the kids a bath.” Avoid saying “You never” or “You always.” It may seem like a subtle difference but all the experts agree it makes a huge impact in truly getting heard and seeing lasting results.

Actively Listen?Make sure to listen to your husband’s “side” and figure out together why there has been a reluctance to contribute. Keep in mind — you don’t want to win this argument. You want your marriage to win. So concentrate on working as a team to create the best solution for the future of your family life.

Resist the Urge to Nag?Focusing on the negative never yields the outcome you want — to have your husband choose to be engaged. Instead actively reinforce and reward any helpful behavior. Give your spouse ample credit for things accomplished well and in a timely manner. Show your appreciation — both verbally and nonverbally. Positive reinforcement has proven to be the best way to effectively change deeply ingrained behaviors. Think about how well it works with the family pet!

Work Together on a Contract? More often than not, running a household is like a business partnership. Every successful business requires a plan. When your household runs smoothly, there will be greater peace and harmony in your marriage. Put this plan in writing and have it act as your contract. Post it up and let it go. Create a time every week for a rational discussion with the goal of troubleshooting any of the challenges that will inevitably arise. After all, anticipating roadblocks to progress and discussing them beforehand helps manage expectations, increase understanding and defuse potential arguments.

Always remember, successful relationships are balanced partnerships. The key to this issue is respect. Show your husband respect when approaching him about your feelings and communicate that his participation at home will convey his respect for you.