Getting the Sex You Want

I want to let you in on a secret about female sexuality. A woman’s mind is more erotic than a man’s. I know, I know. This probably seems counterintuitive to everything you’ve ever heard. It might even feel different from what you’ve experienced in the bedroom. But let me guide you through the vital nuance most married men miss.

While men tend to focus on the actual sex act, women are more likely to concentrate on what’s erotic, what’s sensual. Instead of focusing solely on the finish line, the female mind lingers on how she’ll get there. Women are much more concerned about the setting, the wardrobe, the “theatrics” surrounding sex.

Really stop to consider this fundamental difference between the sexes. It means that women actually have a very rich sexual fantasy world. Since there’s much more to sex than just physical arousal for women, they really think about what turns them on (and off!) Understanding this critical insight poses a real opportunity for any husband who wants to increase the variety and excitement in his sexual life.

Explore Her Comfort Zone

Bringing out your wife’s fantasies is the key to exploring new territory in the bedroom together. Tap into what excites her. Or just as important, try to pinpoint what dampens her sexual desire. Studies show women are much more vulnerable to distraction when it comes to sex. Meaning if she is feeling tired, hurt or fat, she will have trouble focusing on her sexual drive. You probably know this all too well. Always keep in mind that for your wife sex is as mental as it is physical. So try to draw out the narrative in her head and really understand what puts and keeps her in the mood.

Getting Her to Share

Now at first your wife might feel uncomfortable about shining a spotlight on her fantasy world. Many women have been taught to shy away from openly discussing their sexual desires — even with their spouses. So engage her respectfully and patiently. You can prompt her with gentle questions like “When do you feel the sexiest?” Or ask her to describe the details of the last time she felt most turned on: Where was she? What was she wearing? How did you respond to her? Another approach is to get her talking about her senses. Women tend to be very in touch with their senses — particularly their sense of smell — so this can be a great way to draw out the best way to consistently excite her.

Follow Her Lead

One sure way to begin to open your wife up to new experiences is to prove to her how much you value her satisfaction. Instead of making the classic male mistake of telling her what fantasies you most want to explore, let her take the lead. Suggest a night where she gets to call all the shots. Show her you are willing to agree to whatever she wants. This could mean an evening of dinner, a movie of her choice and just a sensual massage. No sex involved. Or suggest taking her out to do something you normally avoid — like shopping — and then when you get home, she can reward you in whatever way she sees fit. The point is to get her to use her imagination and to play along willingly. Once a man shows he will listen, be open and eroticize her fantasies, a woman will begin to offer up more variety. She just needs to feel safe and respected. This is the ultimate key to helping her grow increasingly e comfortable with sharing her fantasy world — and ultimately yours.

Not Convinced?

New brain research challenges the pervasive idea that men and women respond differently to erotic material. A study released in the journal Brain Research in 2006 offers evidence that suggests visual imagery is just as sexually exciting to men as it is to women. Researchers found that women had physiological responses as strong as men to images of couples in sensual poses.

So though they may not share fantasies and desires as readily as most men, women definitely have ideas about what they like and what they want. There is no better way to break out of a sexual routine then to explore your wife’s desires and help her become more comfortable voicing them. It is a surefire way to open the door to a new level of mutual sexual satisfaction.