The Marriage Toolbox: Fix the Nagging

There’s only one thing worse than being nagged. It’s feeling like a nag. So if she hates doing it and you hate hearing it, why does nagging rear its ugly head so often in marriage? It boils down to the real differences in how men and women approach each other.

Decoding the Dialects

Sociologists have come to believe that the genders speak so differently, in fact, they can be considered different languages! So let’s do a quick review. In conversations, men tend to focus on establishing power, preserving independence and avoiding failure. On the other hand, women try to give affirmation, receive support and reach consensus. Women appreciate discussion itself as evidence of involvement and caring. But men can feel oppressed by lengthy discussions about what they see as minor.

Experts find that for many men, professional settings are perceived as highly competitive environments while the home is a refuge from having to prove themselves and impress through verbal displays. For women, the home is the place where she and her partner are free to talk, build intimacy and grow their partnership. So all too often, a woman will interpret her husband’s silence as a rejection while he takes her need to talk as an invasion of his space. These diametrically opposing views set the stage for recurring misunderstandings which evolve into a pattern of nagging.

The Truth of the Matter

Nagging often has nothing to do with rinsing the dishes or picking up socks, it’s about a woman feeling alone, rejected or disrespected. Plain and simple, a woman nags if she feels like she is not being heard. So she theorizes she’s going to keep saying it until she is heard. And it is likely that the woman who nags is, in fact, not getting what she needs from her husband; he probably is, in fact, not listening. But he is not listening because she is more than likely not approaching him in the right way. Thus, a vicious cycle is born that is difficult to break. Though difficult, it is not impossible to make your home a nag-free zone. All it takes is a few communcation tweaks.

Be Direct

Forcing a conversation is something women often try to do and it’s the single best way to end up feeling angry/hurt/distant instead of satisfied/understood/connected. Help your wife realize this vital point. So, for example, if you come home really tired and your wife wants to talk, simply convey to her that this is not the best moment for conversation. Don’t simply pretend to listen and tune her out. Instead, kindly say, “Honey, I want to hear what you have to say but I just had a really long and hard day. I need an hour to wind down and I promise we’ll talk afterwards.” This makes her feel like you value her need to communicate but also directly expresses to her what you need — a little space and a specific amount of time to get in the right frame of mind.

Also remember that the words you utter are only one part of the communication process. Communication specialists theorize that up to ninety percent of how humans communicate is non-verbal. And women pick up on non-verbal cues much more intuitively than men. So how you say something is just as important if you want to see real results. Eye contact is key. Research shows happy couples tend to touch each other while they talk. They lean in close. Always keep this in mind when you tell your wife something she may not want to hear.

Be a Man

Take a long hard look at your behavior. Honestly evaluate your attitude about chores, picking up after yourself, annoying habits, and etc. Do you have a pattern of avoidance? Do you ignore your wife’s initial requests? Accept your responsibility in creating a dynamic that has triggered a nagging response in your spouse. If you have been guilty of ignoring her requests, address this behavior. Make the effort to really listen and actively try to respond to your spouse in better ways.

Be Partners

A healthy marriage is a partnership. If one partner feels taken advantage of or unappreciated, the relationship will suffer. So sit down with your wife when both of you have the time and energy to discuss differences rationally. All too often the only time couples discuss tough issues is in the throes of a heated debate. During this conversation, pinpoint where you differ in your expectations regarding chores, childrearing or home life responsibilities. Decide together what is crucial to your individual sensibilities and what is negotiable. It is important to sit down and have rational discussions.

During this conversation, focus on making “I” statements to reduce defensiveness and criticism. Make your mutual goals clear and action-oriented. For example, rather than saying I agree to “help more around the house,” set some specific examples: I will take out garbage on Monday night, do the dishes three times a week, vacuum every Saturday afternoon.

Many couples find it helpful to create a mutually agreed upon list that they post. This acts as your contract and often diffuses the need to nag. Limit discussion about the chores to one time a week when you can address any issues calmly.

Knowing how and when to communicate in relationships is critical. It can mean the difference between a home life that feels like a battleground and one that feels like a refuge. So consistently try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes during conversations. Consider her approach to communication, how her emotional needs differ from yours and be responsible in how you engage her. A “we” attitude instead of a “me” approach works wonders!