How to Get the Romance You Want � this Valentine’s Day and Every Day!

Think back to those moments when you first fell in love with your husband. Recall that unmistakable combination of excitement, anticipation and hope you felt when he was close by. Picture the very first time his lips grazed yours and your stomach fluttered. Or the first time you shared an evening you didn’t want to end. The first time he surprised you with a sweet gift. Or the first time you looked into his eyes and felt safe.

The Science of Romance

Every couple has their own unique love story filled with romantic firsts like these. After all, at the beginning, everything feels romantic. In fact, research shows that a new romance literally works like a drug on the brain. Falling in love is linked with elevated levels of the chemical dopamine, which regulates the feel-good mechanism also associated with drug addiction. The object of affection tends to become the brain’s singular focus (much like an addiction!) This explains why the smallest gestures are filled with real thoughtfulness. Why you focus on showing the other person how much you care. You find the time to express your affection in creative ways, in physical ways — as often as possible. All the little things that add up to romance.

The Element of Surprise

The good news is that all the experts agree: married couples can keep the dopamine flowing well after they say “I do.” The key isn’t learning new skills. It’s often more about forgetting to act in your routine, predictable patterns. Any time you throw in a surprise — a last-minute trip, an unusual date location, an unexpected gift — it stimulates this reward center of the brain. Novelty also triggers the same visceral sensations — like stomach butterflies and sweaty palms — you both experienced when your relationship was brand-new.

Don’t Buy into the Myth

Women often tell us that their husbands are not very romantic or don’t make them feel special anymore. When confronted, husbands often ask their wives how they can be more romantic. Exasperated, wives too often retort, “Well if I have to tell you, it isn’t romantic!”

Step back for a second. Consider that while men are expected to be romantic, our culture usually teaches young boys that romance is part of the feminine world of emotion and self expression. So these boys turn into men who only vaguely understand romance. The dopamine helps during courtship. But beyond the generic flowers and candy, men often don’t grasp what it really means for a woman. Keep in mind that romance is a language very few men speak fluently no matter what Hollywood and fairytales would have you believe. Women tend to be the romance experts in a relationship and yet are more inclined to want to get it from their partners. It can be a catch-22.

A Novel Approach

Experts suggest you stop waiting for your husband to magically get it; he won’t. Don’t try to nag him into it; you’ll most likely end up in a fight instead of a romantic embrace. So during this month of love, consider what behavior specialists (including professional animal trainers) have found works best in changing deeply ingrained behaviors. It is crucial to model and reward the desired behavior. In other words, be the change you want to see in your relationship. Yes, we are actually telling you the best way to get romance from your husband is to romance him. Show him exactly what you would most appreciate. Create new ways to spend time together that are romantic. Treat your husband how you want to be treated. We guarantee this will begin to shift the dynamic in your relationship almost immediately and he will begin to reciprocate more and more.

Romance in Marriage

Let’s clarify. We’re not talking about grand gestures and elaborate planning. Romance in marriage is more of a marathon than a sprint. So subtly nudge your husband toward more romantic encounters that he will find particularly pleasurable. For example, when he comes home exhausted after a long day, offer to set a relaxing mood with candles and no distractions, maybe a couple of glasses of wine. Tell him neither of you has to do any talking, you’ll just unwind together. Or offer him a massage in a sensual setting. Or suggest talking a leisurely walk together. And hold his hand.

If subtle hints at walks and down-time don’t do it, try to play ball in his court — literally. Suggest you watch a sporting event together, go to a concert he likes or join in on a recreational activity he enjoys. Experts say men tend to experience intimacy through shared activity (while women experience it through conversation.) Keep in mind that you’re trying to teach him that romance isn’t just candy and flowers. It’s about being together, setting a mood, getting physically close and expressing the affection you feel. There’s no reason you can’t do this in front of a television watching the NCAA basketball tournament. Just set the atmosphere, take away the phones, choose your favorite beverage and relax together. Will it be the most romantic experience of your life? Probably not. But don’t miss the point of the exercise. You’re getting him to associate positive feelings with REAL romance. This isn’t dime-store Hallmark romance. It’s the real thing and when he feels how good it can feel, it won’t be long before he is returning the favor.

When he does start attempting to mirror your behavior, be effusive in your response. Tell him just how much you appreciate it. And even better show him your appreciation when he is romantic. The experts say this actually becomes the natural cycle. When men are more romantic, women feel more inclined to express their appreciation physically. Naturally, men respond very favorably to this increased physical intimacy and continue to behave in ways that are rewarded. So moral of the story: reward the desired behavior � even when he doesn’t get it quite right at first.

Now we know this new approach will require a bit of energy and selflessness at first but the payoff will be well worth it. We guarantee it! Prioritizing romance can mean the difference between a marriage on life support and a life long love affair.