In Sickness and in Health

Comedians have been telling us for years that marriage can be a killer. And as with any good joke, there appears to be real truth behind this observation. Recent studies suggest that a spouse’s personality can actually be hazardous to one’s health, and that high marital stress is linked to life-threatening disease. But most alarming of all, researchers think women may be more at risk than men. Learning how to handle the stresses of marriage better isn’t just a nice-to-have, it might just be what saves your life.

Bad for Your Heart
A strong marriage has been found to increase life expectancies for both genders. However, women seem to have the most to lose when the marriage becomes unhappy. Starting at about age 40, women tend to feel more marital stress than men. One study in the Journal of Health and Psychology found that women in unsatisfying marriages seemed to be walking targets for heart disease. Compared to women in satisfying marriages, they had higher blood pressure, higher cholesterol, and higher body mass indexes. Marital stress, by itself, tripled the risk of heart surgery, heart attacks, or death in the following five years.

Fighting Is Infectious
Experts have even found that germ-fighting cells also tend to surrender when couples fight. They say women in unhappy unions are especially vulnerable to infectious diseases and if they have a wound� perhaps from an accident or surgery�it can be unusually slow to heal. So a sick marriage may actually make you sick or make you stay sick longer!

Conflicting Characters
Every married woman knows that her partner’s mood can immediately affect her. And now there’s research to prove the long-term effects of her partner’s personality on her ability to recover from�and perhaps even survive�a major health challenge. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology involving coronary artery bypass patients and their spouses showed the personality of one person predicted the depression level of his or her partner 18 months after surgery. Optimism in one spouse appeared to have real beneficial effects for the partner and the rate of recovery. A positive partner seems to affect not only a spouse’s mental well-being but his or her physical health as well.

Your Healthy Marriage Prescription
Conflict in marriage is normal, even unavoidable. It can be a good indicator that both people are individuals and are not afraid to share their unique beliefs and needs. In fact, it is not the amount of conflict in a marriage that determines its success but rather how the conflict is managed. But even more important to a woman’s health may be how she manages the conflict within her own body. Here are the best tips to keep you cool when your marriage heats up.

Seek Out Sensory Input to Soothe Your Nervous System
Explore how visuals, touch, and smell affect you and can promote feelings of safety and calm in tense moments. Some women focus on scenes from nature or on the faces of loved ones or a particular color they find soothing. For others, touching their partner fosters these feelings. Several studies show that healthy couples tend to touch each other during arguments, which can be very helpful in diffusing strong emotions. Some couples even report finding more effective resolutions to conflict if they discuss issues outside while walking or listening to music. Figure out what works best to soothe you and consistently turn to these elixirs.

Don’t Forget to Breathe
When tense, many women hold their breath without even realizing it. Pay attention to your breathing. It can be wonderfully healing and an excellent way to gain focus and even a little perspective during moments of anger. Deep breathing involves not only the lungs but the abdomen. If you breathe only through the chest, using your chest muscles to draw air in and push it out of the lungs, you’re not utilizing your full lung capacity and you are not gaining maximum stress relief. When you breathe down to the very bottoms of your lungs, they press against the diaphragm (the muscular partition between your heart and lungs and most of your digestive organs), and that causes your stomach to pooch out. Try it the next time you realize he hasn’t done that chore he promised he’d do!

Tune Into Your Body
Progressive muscle relaxation allows you to become aware of muscle tension you might not even realize you have. Here’s a quick way to test it out. Tighten the muscles in your toes, as tight as possible. Hold for a count of 10. Relax and enjoy the sensation of release from tension. Move slowly up through your body�legs, abdomen, back, neck, face�contracting and relaxing muscles as you go. Get in the habit of doing this regularly so your body will instinctively start turning to this technique when a tense moment arrives.

It’s a fact. The stress of an unhappy partnership can be a threat to not only your mental well-being but your physical health as well. Make a commitment to yourself and your needs. Make it a priority in your marriage to diffuse conflict. It’s the best way to build the healthiest, longest life together possible.