Ask the Expert: My wife complains I only touch her when I want sex! What can I do?

During my 20 years of counseling couples, this is one touchy subject that invariably surfaces. As both a therapist and a woman who’s been married for 22 years, my response to men is always the same: look at this as an invitation instead of a rejection.

Just think about it. Your wife is explicitly telling you what she feels. She is not expecting you to read her mind. Nor is she rebuffing you. Not really. She is letting you know what she needs to feel more attracted to you, more in the mood, more connected. This is a real chance to show her you are listening to her�the ultimate aphrodisiac for any wife. By responding to her needs, I guarantee you will reap major rewards�in and out of the bedroom.

What Turns Her On
Women and men are hard-wired differently. There’s no way around it. Women tend to need intimacy to have sex. Men often view sex as a way to gain intimacy. Your sex drive is closely connected to your eyes; you can become visually aroused easily. Your wife’s sex drive is more complicated. She is more inclined to feel aroused when she feels emotionally close and understood. While men can often compartmentalize sex, women tend to perceive everything as connected to everything else.

Every couple understands these gender differences on some level�particularly during the courtship phase. Yet as relationships unfold and we slip into bad habits, it can be difficult to see these often-conflicting motivations clearly. Instead, husbands and wives start taking things personally. Couples often get caught in a cycle of defensiveness and resentment. Not the sexiest emotions.

Specifically, a man will often interpret his wife’s resistance to his sexual advances as rejection. However, more often than not, it is an indication that she has an unmet need (feeling appreciated, supported, etc.) or feels she can’t get beyond a specific conflict. So stop and take your relationship’s temperature. Examine the emotional baggage that may be interfering with your wife’s sexual receptivity.

The Science of Touch
In addition to emotional connection, always remember, your wife needs physical closeness that isn’t sexual. Your nonsexual touch conveys genuine care and support. It signals to her that you enjoy being close to her, that you don’t just view her as an object for your pleasure. A kiss that isn’t intended to lead anywhere can say “I love you” more loudly than words. A gentle caress as you sit together communicates to her: “I’m here. You’re not alone.” Look for opportunities to physically express your emotion every chance you get.

Need proof of the power of touch? Look at one study at the University of Virginia. It found that women under stress who hold their husbands’ hands show signs of immediate relief, which can clearly be seen on their brain scans. Researchers designed a study in which married women were subjected to the threat of a mild electric shock while they, by turns, held their husbands’ hands, the hand of a male stranger, or no hand at all. This is the first study of neurological reactions to human touch in a threatening situation, and the first to measure the health-enhancing properties of close social relationships. This indicates the very real need for nonsexual closeness in relationships.

The Art of Seduction
Every woman wants to feel cherished and romanced�no matter how long she’s been married. So think back to how you got your wife in the first place. Every gesture was thoughtful. She had your undivided attention. You focused on making her feel special and wanted. Attention to the smallest details shows your wife you are thinking of her and make her feel like she is the most important person in your world. Here are some specific tips guaranteed to turn any woman on:

• Take special care to show affection when the two of you part and come together each day. Make a point to connect�physically and emotionally.

• Flirt with her. Build up her self-esteem. A genuine compliment can go a long way with any woman, any time.

• Take time at least once a day to call or e-mail her for no reason at all. Not to remind her to pick up the cleaning or another thing on your joint to-do list. Talk to her in a way that makes her feel like your love. Tell her how your day is going and check on hers. Or just say “I love you and I am thinking about you.” Don’t get so busy you forget to take care of your marriage in this small way.

• If she likes flowers, get her flowers on a random Tuesday. If there is a movie she wants to see, surprise her with tickets; a restaurant she wants to try, book a reservation. These will all act as affirmations that you know who she is and what she likes and that you want to please her�the cornerstones of your connectedness both sexually and emotionally.

• Make the effort to spend time alone with her�whether it’s a date night or joining her on errands. Show her that you enjoy being her companion and she is special to you. Show her you desire her outside the bedroom just as much as you do in.

Little gestures of seduction and appreciation, with no expectations, will go a long way toward reigniting her attraction to you. If you are consistently attentive and considerate, she will find it natural to trust you and give herself to you completely. She won’t pull away, she’ll lean in. For a woman, intimacy must be genuine and consistent. And believe me, she knows if you turn on the charm when you just want one thing.