Superwoman Syndrome
In today’s hectic world, the married woman who doesn’t feel overwhelmed is a rarityÖan oddityÖpractically an endangered species. For most women, time is in short supply while stress lurks at every corner. Even though we are constantly on the go, we feel constantly behind. Molehills can seem like mountains. Taking a step back is crucial. Getting some real perspective is the key to more quality time for yourself, which translates to more time for your marriage. We promise.
It’s Not Just You
Has your husband ever complained that you worry too much? Or do you notice you have a hard time winding down or relaxing like he can? Research confirms what most couples discover early: men and women tend to approach time and stress very differently! One Ohio University study found that men who were married with children didn’t feel any more rushed in their daily lives than single, childless men. Yet the odds of feeling sometimes or always rushed were more than two times higher for married women with children than for single, childless women! The results suggest that womenóparticularly mothersófeel the pressures of child care and managing a household more than their husbands do.
Another interesting study looked at the free time women and men reported having in 1975 as compared to 1998. In 1975, women and men had similar amounts of free time, but by 1998, a 30-minute-per-day gender gap had opened up, with women having less leisure time than men. Moreover, the percentage of women in 1998 who said they always felt rushed increased 10 percent as compared to 1975. The odds of men feeling rushed did not change significantly over the same 23-year period.
Why You Give, Give, Give
For married women, particularly mothers, “free time” is too often entangled with “care giving” to feel truly free and refreshing. Psychologists say women handle stress in two specific ways: they tend (protect and care for loved ones) and befriend (seek and receive social support). In fact, women’s bodies make chemicals that are believed to promote these two responses. One of these chemicals is oxytocin, which has a calming effect during stress. This is the same chemical released during childbirth and found at higher levels in breastfeeding mothers. Women also have the hormone estrogen, which boosts the effects of oxytocin. Men, on the other hand, have high levels of testosterone during stress, which blocks the calming effects of oxytocin and causes hostility, withdrawal, and anger. Good point to remember the next time you feel frazzled and your husband looks fresh as a daisy.
The Road to a Cure
First and Foremost, Make Time for Yourself
No guilt allowed. Don’t be one of those women who has to reach her breaking point to realize the importance of taking care of herself. No matter how busy you are, set aside at least 15 minutes each day for yourself. Read a magazine. Take a long shower. Go for a drive and listen to music you love. Call a friend. Each woman must find her own way to unwind. Commit yourself to this “me” time. You’ll soon find how just quieting your mind and breathing deeply can do wonders for recharging your battery and having more energy.
Define Your Limits and Stick to Them
There are only so many hours in the day. Get crystal clear on the reasons why you are undertaking all the tasks in your life. When it comes to your job, household, and marriage, ask yourself honestly what you can really do. What is it that you are trying to achieve? Put pen to paper and make a list of your obligations. Then create tiers of what is absolutely necessary, down to what is absolutely not. Show it to your husband and get his input. Make compromise your best friend.
Get Comfortable With the Word No
Saying no to requests for your time and energy is always an option. Too many women are people-pleasers. This is the best way to end up overwhelmed and resentful. By saying no, you aren’t being selfish. You’re ending the cycle of doing more and gaining less. You are valuing your time and respecting your needs. There is no greater threat to a balanced life than trying to handle too much at one time without clear personal intention.
Create a Daily Game Plan
Every morning, take a few minutes to write out your top goals. Then prioritize them by tiering them again from “must-do” to “nice-to-do.” This daily roadmap helps you think ahead and anticipate how you’re going to spend your time. Make sure to share your list with your husband when it is necessary to divide and conquer. This simple technique also subtly trains your subconscious to accept these goals as attainable and view your day as manageable. This simple habit will help you figure out what’s most important to you every day and your plan of attack.
Ask for Help and Support When You Need It
Don’t expect your husband to be a mind reader. Sharing what you need is not a sign of weakness; it is how you create stronger intimacy and connectedness. Don’t be shy about asking for help when you need it. It often can just help to hear a different point of view. Talk to friends who are good listeners and can remind you that you are not alone. Seek out the assistance of friends who you admire, the Martha Stewart types who seem to balance everything effortlessly. They can give you tips but likely reveal they are human and struggle too. Always reassuring. Talk to a professional if you need to. A therapist can help you work through stress and find the best ways to handle an issue given your own unique motivations, goals, and styles.
Be proactive in how you deal with the rat race that is modern life. There’s no reason to consistently struggle and never feel ahead of the game. Better time management is a lifestyle, a daily practice, a frame of mind. Though you can’t expect every facet of your life to change overnight, small shifts in your daily perspective and habits can lead to big improvements in the long run. After all, being a woman is ultimately a marathon not a sprint.
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Loading …Tags: Careers, Family, For Women, Gender Differences
3 Responses to “Superwoman Syndrome”
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Oh if only it were so easy.
That caregiving impulse is HARD to fight, as is guilt.
Go out for some retail therapy – you bring back stuff for the people you love and MAYBE something for yourself. If you do go out just for you, guilt and shame in having not brought home something for the class, or for abandoning your budget which doesn’t take your personal needs or desires into it (but it does your kids and husband).
A shower and a nap are “time for myself”- those are just necessary upkeeps to prevent from crashing so thoroughly that I become hostile or incapable of giving care. It’s just keeping the reserve tank full.
Time for myself is a clean house with no duties, noise or responsibilities waiting for the rest of the day. It’s being able to visit friends without having to ask for permission from my husband and just let loose for a few hours – and not coming home to a guilt trip and a list of reasons why exactly x\y\z was done improperly or just couldn’t be got to, thus leaving me with more work upon my return.
I can’t just take time for me, he needs to give me time off. And be happy about it in practice, not just in theory.
Men have it easy because we bite our tongues and give them what we’d like in return. Still waiting on the return..how bout you women?
You are so right Sarah!
Why do I have to earn the bacon, cook it and clean the kitchen? Where does the husband come in? He’s not fixing anything in the house or garage. He washes his clothes and maybe some of the rest of the family’s clothes. He reluctantly bathes the children on Sunday nights only because I’m at work. He thinks if he brings home his paultry paycheck I’m supposed to be pleased. He cooks meals–that’s his only saving grace. So I’m supposed to do everything else: shopping, cleaning, appointments for children, hospitality, gardening, auto care, home repair, pay the bills and errands. What’s he doing? Work 40 hours, cook dinner most nights, take kids to park on weekends. I’m feeling overworked and underpaid.
YES YES YES!!! I am with you women. Why do we do all this? I know i did and still do for my husband expecting that one day i will also receive the same back. BUt i know reality is different than fantasy. I believe that it is instilled early on in men that they don’t need to take care of things or worry day to day things , becuase that is what the woman of the house is for. That is what they grow up watching on live telacast(their parents or the people they live with). No matter where u go in this world, the roles of men and women are same. It is so strange becuase there are so many cultures, so many languages…so we all think that we are all different. But the fact is, everyone goes through the same thing at the same age and stage no matter what the culture. Roles of women ae defined, not in our dictionaries, but in our hearts and minds as caretakers of the family, no matter what. Women always put themselves last, and it is something that will not change. Maybe 10% of the population of the woman who are mothers and wives will change but overall not much will change because, as mom we are naturally drawn to the well being of our children and are willing to do whatever it takes. We give them ourselves, and after that there is no time left toourselves, becuase we are no more in charge of ourselves. There are woman who
are on TV , who talk about how important it is to take time for yourself, but i am sure they have some help with thehouse hold duties and kids. Women who stay home don’t have that privalege. So each woman who feels a need to bring change in her life has to first decide what it is she wants to change and she need to be ready to make the change and Not just wait for it.
thanks for reading my thoughts