Ask the doctor: Top Myths about Married Sex — Exposed!
Myth #1 Married couples never have sex.
Actually, on average, married couples have more sex than any other group. Shocked? Well it’s true. Married people are about twice as likely as unmarried people to make love at least two times a week. And that’s not allómarried sex has been found to be better too! Forty-eight percent of husbands say sex with their partners is extremely satisfying, compared to only 37 percent of unmarried men.
So, though the grass may seem greener on the single side, marriage can actually do wonders for your sex life. Seriously! It can give you the emotional intimacy to feel truly connected. Moreover, it can afford you the freedom to explore fantasies and be more adventurous. You can be married and sexually satisfiedóit’s not an either-or proposition. It just takes a little attention combined with intention and a dash of creativity. Read on for words of wisdom on how to keep the passion alive and kicking.
Myth #2 A lower sex drive is ALWAYS indicative of relationship trouble.
Research is revealing that biology, especially the neurochemistry that determines each person’s hormonal levels, is more responsible for sexual motivation than we ever knew. So if a sexual problem doesn’t feel relationship-driven, it may very well have a biological answer.
According to a leading sex therpay clinic called The Berman Center, low sexual desire is the most common sexual complaint among couples and can be closely tied to testosterone levels. Symptoms of low testosterone levels include low genital sensation, difficulty responding sexually, and low libido. These can be easily treated with hormone therapy. There are countless other things that can directly affect your sexual appetite, including diet, sleeping problems, stress, depression, alcohol use, and prescription drug side effects. Your own body chemistry could be the key to awakening the chemistry with your partner. Discuss this topic with a physician you trust. Remember, the partner with the least sexual desire always controls the sexual dynamics within the relationship. So it is vital to explore all the possible health reasons for a sexual slump.
Myth #3 Good sex equals an orgasm…everytime.
An approach to sex that is so singularly goal-oriented will inhibit any couple’s sex life. It will limit both the quantity and the quality. This kind of mind-set is the best way to create sexual encounters fraught with anxiety and performance pressure. After all, keeping score is never sexyóin or out of the marital bed.
Instead, sex experts suggest focusing on giving and receiving pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Eroticize each other’s bodies instead of viewing sex just as a means to an end. In fact, one of the key exercises assigned to couples in sex therapy is the sensate focus technique, a practice of giving each other pleasure without intercourse. This encourages couples to find creative ways to turn each other on. They rediscover each other bodies and get back in touch with their sensuality not just their sexuality. It gets them out of the cause and effect sexual routine. It’s about tuning into each other and into real pleasure in new ways.
Another typical sex therapy assignment is called pleasure swapping. It’s sounds just like what it is. One night, the husband turns on his wife without her reciprocating; the next night, she does the same for him. This allows each partner to focus. The key is to tune in to what you want as well as respond to your partner’s specific desires. Orgasm isn’t mandated. Neither is sex. Again it is about giving and receiving pleasure. One night you could request an erotic full-body massage. The next night it could be oral sex and no penetration. It is, again, about what feels satisfying for that particular person during that particular encounter. It’s not about the same old “one-size-fits-all” approach to sex. It’s about establishing new patterns of erotic behavior.
Myth #4 Women don’t enjoy sex as much as men do.
There are many social and biological reasons why people have historically believed this to be trueóbut it’s not. After all, don’t forget who is capable of multiple orgasms. Or the fact that the clitoris seems to have no other purpose other than pleasure.
It is true that a variety of differences emerge when reviewing male and female sexual responses closely. One point women may not know is that men have is what is called the “point of ejaculatory inevitability,” which means that if they get aroused enough, men are fairly certain to climax. So sex is kind of a done deal. Initiate sex, and pleasure will follow, according the male body.
On the other hand, women are much more distractible. Orgasms are not even close to a certainty. For women, sexual pleasure can take real intention. It is likely to require more effort for women than men to become aroused in the first place, and it certainly can be more difficult for women to stay aroused. Both of you need to understand this reality and be sensitive to it every time you make love. During foreplay, you must focus and not let your thoughts wander to your to-do list. Pleasure needs to be the only thing on that list in the heat of the moment. The woman who is harried, distracted or depleted will be not be physically present. She will not experience the heights of true sexual intimacy and all the benefits it can bring into her life.
Myth #5 Sex should be spontaneous.
We know, we know. Scheduling sex sounds about as sexy as making your next dentist’s appointment. But let’s face it, if it’s not scheduled, sometimes sex can be the first thing that goes. So even if it doesn’t feel very exciting at first, be patient and keep your appointments. If you don’t feel in the mood on the day of your date, relax and try to let it happen. My wife often jokes that sex for women can be like going to the gymóeven if you don’t want to do it at first, once you get going, you’re usually glad you did.
And get creative. Generate anticipation between the two of you for your “sex appointments.” Actually, the excitement that can build up when you have a set sex date can be pretty hot. Tease and titilate each other. Discuss some of the things you’re planning to do to each other. Prepare for the date the way you did at the beginning of your relationship. Wear something special. Set the scene. Sex dates can get you on the same page. They can foster a real sense of togetherness, open the door to more romance and flirting, and even lessen pressure and arguments over differing expectations. Book one tonight!
Myth #6 A good body image translates into better sex.
Look at the covers of most women’s magazines and you’re likely to assume that people with a positive body image always reap the rewards of this confidence in the bedroom. But the connection between the two is more complicated. A recent study of women between the ages of 35 and 55, for example, showed that poor body image was related to a reduction in sexual desire and sexual activity. But the same study found that when the women were having sex, their satisfaction was actually very high.
One possible explanation for the finding above is that body image doesn’t account for the unique and personal experience of having sex. Some people may be shy and self-conscious about their bodies when they are out in the world, but they may be uninhibited and comfortable while having sex with a partner they trust. Thus, a woman who is bombarded with messages that her aging body is no longer beautiful may question her sexiness, but when she’s having sex, the satisfaction may be unrelated to her body image. Body image is general; sexual satisfaction is specific.So yes, feeling comfortable in your own skin is extremely important to a healthy sex life, but true satisfaction in the bedroom is not as simple as hitting that magic number on the scale.
Married Sex Rx
Small changes in perspective can lead to big improvements in your marriageóespecially in the bedroom. Better sex isn’t just about new moves. Techniques makes you a technician, not a lover. Focus on what works for the two of you and what doesn’t. Take responsibility for your own needs and feelings. Work together to change what isn’t working. Strive to approach each other in ways that will enhance the pleasure, reduce anxiety, and eliminate demand. Communication is important, but don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis. Sometimes the best first step truly is to “just do it.”
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4 Responses to “Ask the doctor: Top Myths about Married Sex — Exposed!”
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This was a really informative article! It’s the first one I’ve read after registering on eHarmony Marriage, too. Good move on my part…
Thanks!
Gee–So I’m not alone. I am currently married to a man who is 54 yrs. old (I’m 53–a teacher–mother of 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren. I love to dance and enjoy my life both as a woman and mother/grandmother). My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have had sex approximately 15 times since we have married. Before the marriage he would not stay away from me; however, he knew that a satisfying sexual relationship was of utmost importance to me. I had told him that was one area of marriage I would NOT live without. I feel that as I reflect on our “dating” time that his top priorty was making sure I didn’t date others. I have spent 99% of our married life waiting on him to decide if I’ve met his “emotional needs” in order to “qualify” for “maybe” sex. He is a total control freak!!!!!!! He is constantly saying that in order for him to feel sexual I have to meet his demands for that day. When I “almost” meet his criteria–game plan changes. I have run the gamut of trying to decide whether he is a total loser or gay. (By the way have I mentioned I’m his third wife and the other two had multiple affairs!!!!!!!) My ex husband was a true soul mate to me. We had a very passionate marriage. (We were married 20 years; however, he became addicted to prescription painkillers which destroyed our marriage.) I’ve seen a lawyer and considered divorce several times since this marriage; however, I’m TIRED and I guess I keep hoping things will change. I’m trying so hard to make a go of this “situation” because a part of me feels that’s what God would want me to do; however, the other side of my emotions is screaming for me to leave before I literally “die.” Comments welcome.
Dr. I am currently separated from husband for about 2 years and I know that problably we will never resolve our issues and we end up in divorce, but I have a question for you. the reason we are separated is that in the last year we were together we have sex maybe 10 times and I was the one who iniciated, sometimes I felt like I was forcing him to have sex with me. I knew from him a year prior that he had some tendencies for transexuals and he was so confused about his sexual preference but he told me he wasnt attractive to me or any woman at the time of his life, he keep saying he was confused. He say he is not gay and he does no like man its just the fact that the person has both sexex its what excits him.
We are being separated for over 2 years and he keeps telling me he loves me but he cant provide to me all that I need. doctor do you have any recomendation for him or for me in this matter?
Dottie – Leave before more time is invested. Sorry, but that is just plain screwed up.
Rochio – Find a real guy. What are you doing with someone that only wants transsexuals??? Maybe he is hoping you will grow a penis. Unless you plan to do that find someone else.