Emotional Infidelity — Is Your Marriage At Risk?
What exactly constitutes emotional infidelity?
Lately, the concept of emotional infidelity seems to be cropping up everywhere — from magazine covers to talk shows to pop psychology best sellers. But don’t be fooled — it’s not just some flavor-of-the-month catchphrase. Emotional infidelity is very real. And it’s vital to determine whether it poses a serious threat to your long-term happiness.
Couples often ask me, “How do I know if my partner is being emotionally unfaithful?” Well, while physical infidelity is a fairly black-and-white issue, emotional infidelity is often all about shades of gray. It defies strict definition — and that’s partly what makes it so dangerous. It is an indiscretion of the mind and heart, not of the flesh. Generally speaking, it is an extramarital involvement in which deep, personal intimacies are shared. It is an emotional romance that is not consummated. And yet psychologists find that the effects of emotional infidelity on a marriage can be just as devastating as those of the more explicit taboo, sexual infidelity.
Friend or Foe
It often begins innocently enough. Two people connect through similar interests or shared experiences or simply proximity. As a friendship develops, trust grows. This is a natural part of life. We are social creatures. And let’s be clear here: there is nothing inherently wrong with opposite-sex friendships when you are married. In fact, experts agree that these friendships can actually enrich a marriage by providing insight into how members of the opposite sex think, communicate and behave. But the key is that these friendships need to bolster, not undermine, your union in order to be a healthy part of married life.
Crossing the Line
So when does a friendship teeter on becoming a threat to your marriage? Clear red flags include friendships enshrouded in secrecy or friendships fueled by strong sexual chemistry that is acknowledged and engaged. Another harbinger of trouble can be the consistent revelation of emotions, feelings or thoughts to a friend that you are unwilling to share with a spouse. In that instant, the emotional connection in the friendship becomes more intimate than that in the marriage, and this borders on the dangerous. Yet another clear sign emerges when discussing problems in the primary relationship becomes the focus of the friendship. This is particularly dangerous if the friend has no vested interest in the health of the marriage, or if the spouse would perceive such discussions as a violation of the marriage. Remember that airing your dirty laundry highlights vulnerability and conveys potential availability.
Experts have pinpointed several reasons why emotional infidelity may emerge as an increasing threat to today’s marriages. First, male-female friendship has become not only possible but practically unavoidable. Major cultural shifts over the last few decades have changed the landscape of relationships between the sexes. Men and women now work together and share interests and socialize more freely than ever before. Yet few models of platonic love exist in our culture, and so male-female friendships often don’t have a frame of reference other than the romantic. Thus, it can be extraordinarily easy for a man and woman who enjoy each other’s company to slip into a romantic mode. It may not even be a conscious decision.
Experts also point to technology as a major factor in the increasing reports of infidelity — both physical and emotional. Technology opens the door to emotional communication in previously unheard-of ways, allowing us to share our feelings without fearing face-to-face consequences. The Internet creates a unique venue for immediate communication, as well as the ability to be clandestine. Since there is no physical contact over the Web, people can more easily convince themselves that lines are not being crossed.
Recipe for Disaster
Always remember that infidelity — whether physical or emotional — is often rooted in the desire to fulfill a need that is not being met in the marriage. Opening yourself emotionally to someone other than your spouse can be triggered by fear of rejection or humiliation within the marriage. Some people engage in extramarital attention to bolster self-esteem or for excitement. So take your relationship’s temperature — consistently. Here are some tips to affair-proof the emotional side of your marriage:
Show your partner respect.
Keep an open mind and reserve judgment. Try not to criticize or look for the “right” or “wrong” in what your spouse shares with you. Remember that feelings are a person’s own and cannot be classified as right or wrong.
Be other-centric every day of your marriage.
Practice putting yourself in your wife’s shoes to arrive at a greater understanding and appreciation between the two of you. Listen without constantly planning on what you are going to say in response. Let go of your own agenda and really listen. Adopt a “we” instead of “me” attitude in your conversations.
Pay attention to the non-verbal.
You can speak volumes without uttering a single word. Instead of looking at the TV or doing chores while your spouse is speaking, show that your full attention is on her. Make direct eye contact, nod your head and make encouraging facial expressions. Make her feel like what she says is important to you.
Respond carefully and consciously.
Take the time to think before you speak. It’s always better to ask questions for clarity rather than to misinterpret what you thought you heard. When responding, let your partner know that you heard what she said by using a feedback technique and restating what was said (”So you are saying you feelÖ”). Be prepared to hear from your partner that you have misunderstood. Resist the urge to “fix it” when she may just need to be heard and validated. Don’t give advice unless asked for it.
Though people embroiled in an emotional liaison may not be violating the vow of physical monogamy, they are investing time, energy and emotion in another relationship at the expense of their marriage. The man who recurrently vents to a colleague and then doesn’t open up at home is shortchanging the marriage. The woman who discusses her marriage’s problems with a male confidant is shortchanging the marriage. Safeguard your marriage by staying vigilant to your its vulnerabilities and by making yourself emotionally available to your wife every day of your life together.
(18 votes, average: 4.61 out of 5)
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37 Responses to “Emotional Infidelity — Is Your Marriage At Risk?”
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I found this article helpful. My with had an emotional affair with a single man; and she even proposed that it go to the physical level. Fortunately he didn’t take her up on the offer. She still seems to be hooked on the relationship with him though. It is a serious problem between us; yet she contends that she is going to have whatever friends she finds valuable and is not willing to give this one up. I just don’t feel comfortable with it in light of where it went. Am I just being selfish or insecure by not allowing her this friendship? (she insists that it is strictly a friendship)
iam so glad someone took the time out to explain this. i really feel that this was a spiritual anwser to me.. i don’t want to come plain but if i tell my husband how i feel he always looks at what ever negitive he can find in my speaking and when he is man he yells in front of the kids as well . what i had confided in him. so iam allways on gaurd thinking what could he find faust in me.
I thought this article was very helpful in articulating an issue that can be easily blown off because there is no physical involvement. It speaks to the real impact of emotional affairs and it makes it impossible for the party who is having an emotional affair to say that their partner is nuts for feeling betrayed. I liked the tips for keeping the marriage relationship vital.
Very useful advice to spouses both males and females.
While the article has some good points . . . the arguments are presented with a distinct bias toward males as the “trouble makers” . . . .the author specifically uses language that would imply that the reader is a male . . . just remember that every male that commits emotional infidelity with the opposite sex . . . is doing so with a female . . . simple math would reveal that at least half of the cases of emotional infidelity are committed by females. Perhaps the author should review and adjust HER own gender bias before spouting words of warning.
Most of this makes sense but wish I had read it earlier
Great points made in this article. However, if would have been beneficial to add information on repairing a marriage that has suffered from this type of infidelity.
Writer,
Thank you for your article and your insight I believe it yo be accurate to an application in life long RELATIONSHIPS. I only believe that we should apply the information
equally on both sides of the definition:Marriage infidelity-Relationship infidelity:Short change
the Marriage-short change the relationship,etc, only to maintain continuity and effectiveness
for clarity and understanding between couples.
I fear this is happening in my marriage. My husband and I went into counseling one year after being married. The counselor determined that my husband had a fear of intimacy; and he agreed. When asked what steps he planned to take to improve our relationship, he said he was not going to do anything. The counselor told us that she could not help him (us) if he was not willing to do anything to help improve our marriage. It has been another year; and Mike still does not share personal thoughts with me. He says he does this because he doesn’t want to have to discuss things he says. However, he seems to do so with co-workers; one woman in particular that he works closely with. The reason I know this is by their conversations when we get together for after-hours coctails once in awhile. I have tried to have calm conversations with him; and now he tells me he doesn’t like it when I join him at these gatherings because I start to ask questions…What would YOU think? How do you reach someone who puts up walls, knowing he is doing so?
As a married Male I’ve been there and done that. I was afraid (I repeat, afraid) that I wasn’t getting it (fill in the blank for whatever “it” might be, including patience and understanding, brothers) at home, so, sure I attracted “it” elsewhere and almost lost my marriage. I discovered that, guess what, my wife really was ready, willing and able to hear what I had to say, if I would only corageously say it and that I was the one who ended up in tears. What a turn-on! Thanks E-Harmony and Dr Leslie.
This is exactly what is going on with us. It is to the point I do not trust him at all becasue he lies to me about these “friendships”. I am contemplating divorce once he comes back from Iraq. I dont know how to deal with this anymore but since he has been gone I have found out about 3 of these type friendships that he has to lie to me about. How do I ask him? How do I confront him? Is this marriage worth saving?
This article put into words what my gut has been feeling but didn’t know how to express. Thank you.
excellent article. We had this problem. I viewed it as cheating but our counsellor (no longer!) kept saying it was not an “affair” and I was over reacting. Thank you for this article which affirms that I am not out of touch and that right and wrong still matter.
I’m guilty of this, as are most married couples I know – at some time. Regardless, that doesn’t excuse my behavior and actions as I’m responsible.
What I find odd though, is the article seems to mostly be slanted toward the husband needs to do _____ toward his wife. The very last sentence is but one of many examples of what I’m talking about. Oddly enough, the article is written by a female. Enough said.
Perhaps even more odd … it is me (the husband), who has repeatedly asked the spouse (the wife), to join in with eHarmony Marriage and let’s work through and read about these issues together. Repeatedly, she has and still refuses to do so.
Ironically, the long term history of those lack of actions by my spouse, is what led me to have the emotional affair in the first place. That emotional affair has since been ended, by me and the other person involved. We determined this wasn’t right, or fair to anyone. The author ends this article by telling the husband to make himself emotionally available to the wife. In my caes, it’s been just the opposite, hence the affair.
And you want real irony? The “other woman” in the emotional ended affair – is well aware of eHarmony and has read many articles from your site!
I am going through a difficult time in my marriage. My husband is an alcoholic we have been married 6 years. Last year alone he was in rehab three times. He never keeps a steady job. I carry the burden of all the bills plus his pawn shop bills. He tries but feels he can not be himself without alcohol. I have a friend (male) that I confide in. I do find him attractive but I always think about my vows. I just get so discouraged every time my husband shows some progress and then he slips again.
How do you know when it is too late to do anything about it? Can the sexual infidelity be turned around, once it has been initiated and participated in?
Thanks for the timely tip. I have been wondering about a relationship over email and what boundaries to set. Since this person is a friend to both my wife and I, it makes sense to cc my wife in any email correspondence.
Thanks so much.
Scott
Thanks for bringing a much overlooked dimension of “un-faithfulness” to the table. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary. Reflecting on the rough times underscore that the “invisible” flaw of emotional infidelity can cut much deeper than mere sexual infidelity (although “mere sexual” seems an oxymoron). I do regret, like an earlier reply indicated, that the article betrays a gender bias, more negative toward males. It is also shortsighted I believe, and a bit slow in catching up with contemporary culture, to limit the relational theatre in this context to male with female dynamics. I know a number of men who experience(d) betrayal due to the extend and degree of emotional intimacy their wives engaged in with another woman, or with other women. The same can not be said as much for men, drifting into murky emotional realtionships with other men, (for sad reasons, perhaps). Yes! Let’s continue to build each other up accross various relationships and be intentional about including anyone and all who can safeguard open and accountable lives.
We have been going through this for years. Finally Mr. S has sought counseling. We are BOTH in counseling for his extramarital internet unfaithfulness to me! He has gone to great depths and worked very hard at keeping lots of lies and secrets about all of this from me. He will create profiles on AOL, YAHOO, G-MAIL, ADULT FRIEND FINDER, ALT.COM, just to name a few (and that is ONLY a few) seeking to meet other women and couples. Each time I would uncover another “profile” he would, of course, deny till he died! He has been properly diagnosed, as having a sex addiction. This article really validated wht I have been feeling all of our marriage, and that I am not the problem! God Speed to any other couples going through this. Mrs. S
Like a another reader commented, the article states what the problem is but it just leads the reader to the conclusion, just don’t do it. The steps to fixing it are more in line with better communication between the couple – get in tune with her…(and I agree with the comment about it being male orientated)…not what led to the infidelity (emotional or otherwise). The real problem I’m dealing with is that I feel like I’ve been pushed away by years (almost 25 yrs) of ambivelence and lack of respect for who or what I am…where this other person respects me for who I am. That’s what created the infidelity; in my opinion. The real question to be answered is how do we determine whether we want to break the bond of the infidelity or whether its time to exit the marriage… hopefully, that will come in future articles…
Regaurdless of sliding sociol marays true common decency makes no provision for emotional infidelity. A man must know who he is and be that. Committed to one woman. I have found myself meditating on God’s design for man (both sexes). We will find protection in living by his way. A geat teaching thank you.
Re: Mike Ivie & Michael Farris
Your wife is disrespecting you and your relationship. In order for your marriage to work, she has to start respecting it and your feelings. A partners feelings are always justified and deserve to be dealt with no matter how insignificant or “silly” the other partner may feel they are. They exist, therefore they need to be dealt with.
The article is undoubtedly slanted to address men. I think it is painfully obvious that women are more likely to have an emotional affair than a man is. Women are more emotionally based in almost every aspect of life. Men tend to be more physically based, and therefore are more likely to have a physical affair.
When women find themselves falling short of the emotional aspects of a relationship, they can often find alternatives if their home relationship is not a healthy one.
Regardless of your sex, the bottom line is this.. If you are doing something to make your partner uncomfortable, you need to stop it and address the real, underlying issue. Any other action cheats yourself, your spouse, and everyone else involved in the relationship.
A good article and very accurate in identifying the land mines and warning signs. Unfortunately, I was a little discouraged by the perspective from which it was written where the offender is obviously the husband. There are situations where the primary offender is the wife and it would be encouraging to encounter good and helpful articles like these that may try to avoid the stereotype and maybe even consider some of us men as “innocent” before proven “guilty”…..it would be a nice change.
In the “For Women” section of this website, many of the women are also complaining about the slant of the articles. Just like the guys, some women are asking why the articles tell women how to change instead of telling men how they ought to behave.
But the “For Women” section is for women, not men! And the “For Men” is for men, not women!
I think the purpose of dividing the website is so each spouse can address his or her own issues. I don’t think eHarmony’s saying either side is more or less the cause of the problem or that they’re undermining our individual contributions to our marriages; instead they’re suggesting we (husband or wife) move forward toward solution instead of looking for our spouses to “make the first move.”
The last thing we need is more stuff telling us how our spouses fall short! Many of us already feel that way, and more of the same would just propel us toward divorce. I don’t think any of us truly wants that. Instead we’re being invited to honestly examine our own roles and responsibility in the marriage. It’s inviting each of us to say, “Yes, he [or she] has been rotten and has done some really hurtful things. (Been there.) But what about *me*?
What we need are solutions, and I think this website is trying to offer advice to both women and men in their own context. We can’t make our spouses behave the way we want, no matter how hard we try. So instead, maybe we should be the change we’re looking for.
Very interesting article. Wish i’had seen it before now. Nevertheless, i will still try to bring it to my husband’s attention. This almost ruined our marriage. My darling husband had a confidant in his office a married woman that is having problems with her own marriage and she almost took my husband over, she even came to my house to insult me, calling me names ! every now and then he is always having a female confidant and each time anything happens at home he is always quick to tell me that, i was told! on enquiry he will tell me that they are his counsellors! I’ve come to accept life the way it is and i’ve decided to live it to the fullest, just looking at him and i pray that one day he will come to his senses and see the harm he is doing me. I find it difficult discussing us with an outsider male or female but my husband is always talking about us or let me say his wife in particular. I t is interesting. Thanks for this mail all the same, i will try and let him read it, who knows!
Dont forget about gay friends too. My wife is being activly persued now by someone who was an emotional affair. It is discusting to me that someone who was a “mutual friend” would be trying to turn my wife into a lesbian. Even now that it is out in the open she wants to remain friends. I don’t know what to do with her.
The emotional affair and the sexual affair is of course very complex and effects each person differently based upon personal values and the degree and intensity of the affair.
I have thought of this topic many times and came to the conclusion that an ‘affair of the heart’ as I call it, does more damage to the marriage than a sexual one-time fling. In both cases, you broke a serious vow that you took on your wedding day. But, if you have already divorced her emotionally the physical act means little, it’s just the sign that the marriage may be irreparable. A one-night stand may be a sign of a troubled marriage and a series of bad judgements and mistakes, but the heart still wants to put it back together again. In no way am I making an excuse for males, but for a male–physical may just be physical.
I just recently ended (something like) an emotional affair. I am married and he is single, but not really looking for anyone. I worked with him for a long time, and there has always been some sexual tension between us. (Nothing physical -beyond a hug- ever happened.) I think it was ’safe’ for both of us because I am unavailable. The relationship consisted of email and the occasional meeting (we now work different hours and in different locations). I thought about him a lot though. Looking back on it now, I feel that 1) it gave me some excitement and something to look forward to (kind of a ‘rush’) 2) it fed my ego to feel like someone was interested in me 3) it was an escape from my boring routines of life (emailing, thinking about him, fantasizing, etc.). I feel like I wasn’t thinking rationally at the time. I was so desperate to feel desirable that I wasn’t in touch with reality, i.e. that I have vowed to forsake all others! My ‘wake up call’ came when I began contact with someone else. This man is also married. I began to think obsessively about him, but he wasn’t at all interested. He tried to avoid me and seemed to think I was a bit nutty! At the time, I felt really hurt and tried to make excuses to myself about my behavior. But I really was acting weird, and I am glad now that he valued his own marriage and my marriage and had sense enough to stay away. It gave me a chance to see how foolish I had been and that I really do value my marriage and my husband. The experience really snapped me back to reality. I realized that my vows are important to me, my husband and children will never experience the turmoil infidelity places on a family (my dad cheated on my mom, leading to divorce), and what I really need to do is to concentrate on feeling good about myself. I was avoiding things like losing weight, exercising and feeling better mentally and physically. I need to feel good about myself, not look for that external reinforcement from someone else. I am in a good place mentally right now, ready to face what I need to do. (Sorry this is so long, but I thought it might help for someone going through this to see that it is possible to get beyond it and to regain your sense of self.)
Fellas–I too agree with many of the replies left and see the bias from the writer, but at the top of the newsletter page that you clicked this article from it says “for Men”. There may be something geared to the women if you click on the “for women” tab. We are all responsible for this Men v. Women distrust or grudge however you look at it. Let’s quit being reactive and start being proactive! We have all been hurt, but let’s do unto others as we would have done to us. Show kindness husbands and wives alike and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the ones we want to protect.
This was right on the money, regardless of gender. My wife went through an emotional affair starting in January through May of last year, at which point it turned into a physical affair, which lasted until his wife intercepted some emails my wife had sent him – this happened in September, by which time we had been separated for almost three months. Happily, we are back together, I have changed many of the things I was doing which led her to the emotional repair and she is working very hard to repair the damage she did to our relationship with the physical affair. Above all, we are COMMUNICATING our thoughts and feelings on a much more regular basis.
There is still the tendency to play the blame game and the “who got hurt worse” challenges – those are hard to overcome. It’s especially important to discuss the emotional items and hurts as calmly and rationally as possible – above all, avoid the “four horsemen” mentioned in the current issue. We did a lot of that in the early stages of our reconciliation – I tend to be the criticism/insult expert, she’s the pro on defensiveness and stonewalling. it has taken a lot of work and a lot of discussion on both of our parts to get past those humps, before the real communication had a chance. Most importantly, if both of you don’t want it to work with all your hearts, it won’t – realize that before you put your heart on the line. It is going to hurt and it is going to hurt both of you, but for us, the end result is well worth it – we have a relationship now that is stronger than at any point over the 14 years we have been married.
That said, would I go through this again? No way. If the topic ever arises again where it even looks like we will end up in the same situation, I would rather give up the most important people in my life (my wife and two sons) than go through the agony of the past year again. My job is to make sure that I do everything in my power to make sure we never end up in that situation again, and to trust my wife when she says she is doing the same. At least now we both know the warning signs, so we can nip anything like that in the bud.
Thanks again, it was a thought provoking article and very accurately described what my wife says she went through during the development of her infidelity and the procession from emotional to physical affair. If we had been able to read this article 15 or 16 months ago, or even earlier, it could have saved both of us and our families a huge amount of pain and suffering.
Best,
Jeff
I was involved in an emotional affair that lasted about 3 years. It started out being a shoulder for a friend. He is much older than me and i think i needed a “father figure” that would accept me as i am, not as i should be. i also felt i had to be a certain person to my husband and with this other man i could show my fears and so could he. his marriage was on the edge of divorce, he did divorce about a year and a half into the relationship but that would have happened regardless. i tried to get him to seek counseling with his wife to no avail. i never once considered leaving my husband. our relationship became physical but not to the point of intercourse – just very close. i just couldn’t cross that line. i have since severely cooled my friendship with this man but am still very close and am there for him when he’s been experiencing much heartache in his life. he is friends with my husband also though i don’t think my husband was ever really certain there was anything between us
I am the culprit in an emotional infidelity, but not the sort that has been brought out in this article. My wife has caught me looking at pornography on several occassions over the course of our eight-year marriage. I suppose that in some instances and some relationships, this would not be an issue, but in ours it is. First, I was hiding the fact that I was doing this from my wife. My reasons are immaterial because it was the hiding that turned a potential non-issue into a truly inappropriate act. Second, my wife finds pornography to be exploitative and wrong. I don’t need to be convinced that she is right, but it further makes what I did a very emotional wound. Third, each time she caught me, she asked me to stop, to the point of threatening to end our marriage if it continued, and each time I did it again. I’ve since spent quite a bit of time soul-searching on why I would do what I did. I’ve always found her to be the most attractive woman I’ve ever known and, except for frequency, she had more than satisfied me sexually throughout our marriage. In the end it is the emotional aspect of what happened that has done the most damage to my marriage. She felt I disengaged from our romantic life because it was easier to turn to porn and, in turn, lost much of the respect and feeling she had for me in the beginning of our marriage. I have a lot to do to repair what I’ve done and to discover what caused me to treat my wife and our marriage so recklessly over something to which I never felt connected. What I’m driving at is that the concept of emotional infidelity is largeley in the eyes of the observer. Even if I never felt an emotional rush or got any sort of relationship benefit from it my wife felt robbed– “shortchanged” from the article–of my emotional attachment to her because of it. I believe this makes it an emotional infidelity. What I did was wrong, I’m seeking help to get this monkey off my back (because that’s all I can imagine it to be), and I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to the woman I hurt if she’ll let me.
My husband and I have been dealing with this for the past 6 months. He says it is nothing and doesn’t seem to realize the pain that I am going through. We both have talked about divorce which would devestate our children. We are both willing to try and make this work but he is not willing to give her up. How do I move past this and move on with my life when he is not willing to separate himself from the problem.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I am certain that over the course of our marriage we have both been involved in emotional affairs to varying degrees. For the most part my behavior has been primarily complaining to many of our male friends about our relationship and looking for their advice from the male perspective to try and reach my husband. This has stirred up some emotioanl feelings for me but I have never physically stepped outside my marriage vows or gone out of my way to communiccate with these men via email or phone calls. I havae been tempted on many occasions but do not want to hurt my family.
Several times during our marriage I am certain he was emotionally unfaithful. Some very specific and painful times were during my pregnancies after my children were born and after my father died and when he lost a job. Seven years ago my husband crossed the line and became physically involved with a married woman, our next door neighbor and a family friend. We have children that are the same age and both families were close friends at the time. When the affair became public my husband was convinced he was in love with this other woman and thought about leaving me. I convinced him to stay married and try and work it out. I could not share my children and feared the financial repurcussions of divorce. I also could not bare the embarassment of loosing him to another woman. She would no longer let our children play together. She called me at work and insulted me. We ended up moving to a different house in the same town. Neither of us could afford to leave our jobs. It was a terrible experience for my family, emotionally and financially. We cannot ever escape the memories of the experience because we live in a small town and run into each other frequently. I cannot and will not go through that again.
Unfortunately when we decided to stay together I really thought we were both making a committment to WORK on our marriage and that did not end up being the case. He refused to go into counseling. We have yet to even make time to take a romantic weekend ALONE somewhere. Lately he is hypercritical of everything I say and do, the way I keep the house, cook, look, how much I earn, even my parenting skills. These were some of the same signs of his infidelity as before. He is disconnected from me, does not listen to me, does not spend time with me. We are still physically intimate but sex has become more of a selfish act on his part. There really isn’t any love making involved. I feel as if my relationship has been reduced to that of the housekeeper, cook, laundry person, and sometimes whore. I have been regretting my decision to stay together after his initial physical infidelity. Now I fear that it is happening again. I also worry that he stayed wth me to avoid embarassment and to protect our children and not because he loved me.
I have confronted him. He denies anything- of course. He says he does not see a problem and continues to refuse to see a marriage counselor. When I suggest some alone time he shuts me down- no time, no money, etc. I have told him that I fear our marriage will not last once our children are gone to college. My oldest is leaving in two weeks and my youngest is a junior. Lately I feel myself checking out emotionally it is becoming so difficult to be the only one trying. Lately I find myself maried with two children and lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I know we are more vulnerable at times of change and when there are new stressors in our married or individual lives. I know that with my daughter heading off to college this is a time of transition for our family. I am also finding myself tempted more and more frequently to become involved with another man. We have talked and there is definitely chemistry but I do not want to hurt my family. I wouldn’t be talking to another man about my feelings if my husband would just listen. His friends and family tease him all the time about how he tunes me out. It is not funny to me.
Can I fix this if I am the only one trying? I have tried talking to him about how I am feeling. How do I affair proof my marriage- from either emotional or physical affairs. Is it time to throw in the towel after 22 years. I do not want to go on like this.
Thanks for the article. Really made me think. Now I just don’t know how to fix this.
The article validates what I have gone through. He had an “emotional affair” for five years with a coworker. There were even times that she was sent to another out of state location and he had to travel and work there and seldom called home. I trusted that he was working and having dinner meetings – had no clue about his fling.He claims it meant nothing – but the emails I found broke my heart.
She works for another company now and sometimes he has to communicate with her for work. I asked that he tell and show me those communications and he has deleted phone calls from her and hid emails which I found. And he claims it’s over and can’t explain why he can’t be honest with me.
He also says I’m beating a dead horse when I try to talk about it. He admitted it went on for five years and can’t answer how you go from the flrting emails to working with someone in the next room (which they did for years) and it be strictly business.
I just found this site and will be back – at least now I know for sure that I’m not overreacting and imagining my pain and grief, in feeling betrayed, and alone. During that five years he did things for her, remembered things for her, and ignored my needs – a siple request for him to take a night off he couldn’t remember for me. And it’s not like I made demands all the – maybe I was too trusting and easy.
No more – I have children and grandchildren and will not spend the rest of my life this miserable. I have tried to tell him what I need – reassurance, communication, etc – to no avail. His silence is the worst – I can ask a question and not even get an acknowledgement that he heard me let alone any answers.
And he does seem to be trying more – he says he loves me and misses me when he travels for work – sometimes it makes me sad to remember all the times he didn’t call and say those things.
Thank you letting me vent – I hope he’ll wake up before it’s too late for us – I’m a very strong person and can only take so much. I’m trying so hard to focus on the good things now and forget the past – but it keeps haunting me. Just a month ago he lied to me about contact with her. Someone I believed in stopped being there for me. He cared about someone else and shared himself with someone else. And never saved any energy for us.
Will keep reading and trying to make this work on my terms – it’s been all about his needs for too long.
My husband was involved in an emotional affair with his high school sweetheart. She contacted him after 20 years. Unfortunately his emotional affair got hot and heavy while I was recovering from breast cancer surgery. He said he turned to his ex-girlfriend because he needed someone to talk to because I wasn’t there for him. Several months into the emotional affair I found emails between them on a secret email account. In the emails they talked about their rekindled love and had a lot of spouse bashing in them. I confronted my husband. Initially he felt he didn’t do anything wrong because they never got physical. After many discussions and counselling he realizes he made a big mistake and has cut off all communication with her. Rebuilding the trust is difficult. I can forgive but it’s so so hard to forget.
I applaud you for trying to give up the porn for the sake of your marriage. If I may, I would like to try to help you understand a woman’s point of view to add to your efforts. No woman feels perfect about her body. We all have imperfections that we agonize over. We all want our husbands to help us feel that “to him” we are the most beautiful woman in the world especially when we are about to make love. How can she feel that way, when she knows that images of those perfect bodies are likely in her husband’s mind perhaps when they are making love? That is a big turn off for a woman when it comes to love making. Secondly, a woman wants to also feel that her husband only has eyes for her. This makes her feel special and again this causes her to want to respond in the bedroom. When a man looks at every other woman with wanton eyes, it makes a wife feel cheap, used, or just like a old shoe, useful at times instead of special. And if you knew what kind of life most (if not all) of these women and girls in these porn pics have had you might not want to look at them. Most have been sexually abused by relatives as children. Selling their bodies is all they have learned to do. Don’t you men want to marry a woman with standards and morals, who makes you look good by being a trophy wife as well as a decent mother for your children? Would you want one of these women in the porn pictures to do that job for you? Most likely not, yet you GIVE them your time and attention (of your eyes and mind) instead of your wife. What does that tell your wife that you value? I am very blessed to have a husband who does not look at porn but stares at me at age 53. And I am not a bathing beauty. I used to have a weight problem and my skin shows it. Yet my hubby tells me I am beautiful every day. So I give myself to himself very willingly. And he makes me happy and that in turns give him peace and happiness too. You can turn your life around and I admire your attitude for wanting to work on it. One of the 12 step programs would probably help you the most. Hope you will keep it up until you win for the sake of your wife and your marriage. You will never regret it.