Inside the Mind of the Married Man: What Intimacy Means to Him
It’s not a surprise to any married woman that the word “intimacy” evokes a pretty strong reaction in men. Either they equate it with sex — always sure to elevate a man’s heart rate — or on some level they piece together that it might entail “sharing feelings,” “talking” or “emotionally connecting” — the kind of stuff that gets a man’s pulse racing in a very different way. So how can a woman get the emotional intimacy she wants in her marriage? Truly understanding the male mind is the key.
He Said, She Said
On average, a woman uses 7,000 words a day and five tones of speech. A man uses just 2,000 words and three tones. Women are talkers; men, not as much. We know this is nothing revolutionary, but stop to consider some neurological evidence that is — evidence that suggests why men and women are so different.
Recent studies have found that the act of talking triggers a flood of chemicals in a woman’s brain which gives her a rush similar to that felt by heroin addicts on a high! On the other hand, talking about emotions actually increases men’s stress levels! While intimate conversation can create euphoric feelings in women, they are more likely to trigger that hardwired fight-or-flight response in men. Not just figuratively — literally!
Man to Man
If you think talking is the only way to gain emotional intimacy in your marriage, think again. It can actually be one of the best ways to push a man further away. Instead, lean into his definition of intimacy. Not sure he has one? Read on.
The key point women often don’t grasp is that men are capable of great intimacy. It just looks very different for men than it does for women. Try to accept that his approach is not better or worse. It’s just not yours.
A New Approach
Communication is obviously vital to any healthy relationship. But as any married woman knows, trying to force her husband to communicate never works. She never quite gets what she wants. Instead, marriage experts advise individuals to shift away from their own personal desires and lean into the needs of their spouses.
So now that you know emotional intimacy for men tends to result from shared activity, try to honor this need. Look for new experiences to share. Get out of your routine. There might be activities that you both like doing together; or maybe one person’s interest can become the special thing you do together. Focus on and cultivate these activities.
Some couples choose to participate in a sport together. Others volunteer their time for a cause or take on a project to which they can each bring their skills, like home remodeling. New shared activities can also do wonders for reinvigorating chemistry between you. Right now you may be feeling comfortable with each other, but the relationship is not really that exciting. Doing new activities together is a great way to cultivate intimacy and bring passion to your marriage again.
Bottom Line
Want more intimacy with your man? Stop trying to get it in ways that don’t work. Instead, understand how he works. Talking is important, but it’s not the only way to jump-start intimacy. Think like a man to get what you need as a woman.
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Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, For Women, Gender Differences
76 Responses to “Inside the Mind of the Married Man: What Intimacy Means to Him”
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I found this article very true. A while ago, I decided, that the best time to share thoughts and feelings with my husband is when he is gardening or fixing the house, two things that HE likes to do. I don’t share in those interests, but realized that he enjoyed my company just sitting and talking to him while he did his various tasks. Believe it or not, he listened better than when we were just in the car talking or at home on the couch.
A small price to pay for shared intimacy.
Take the time to find out what your husband enjoys doing and then either do it with him or keep him company while he does it. It will open new doors of communication.
This is excellent and so true. it always has been for that matter………. women do talk tooo much, men need to be better listeners but slack off the chit chat girls. and be real and honest
This makes a great deal of sense. I must say, however, in my recent experience of a 4-yr relationship (on after prev. 5 yrs dating and separate marriages which ended) with a particular person of the male persuasion, that sex in one of the only ways that he cultivates his love and intimacy. I don’t think this is unusual, or is it?
Thanks, this is excellent help.
That is a good point. I find myself in the same situation. I’m going to use your advice. It’s very helpful.
wow, this is so true… iam going to try.. cathy
I feel the article is very “right on” for a good marriage relationship
Ok, this is all well and good, but what if you have problems that need to be resolved? Just getting involved in “doing” things with him doesn’t resolve anything, even if it’s enjoyable for both parties. If he doesn’t want to go with you to counseling, and talking through it isn’t what you’re recommending, what is left? Am I misunderstanding something here?
So, why is it that my husband can listen to other women talk about their issues and problems?
The suggestions relating to intimacy are appreciably good and appropriate for women to ponder in respect of their relationship with men and to understand men better and to reciprocate for mutual joy and for joyous togetherness. Gratefully Thambipon.
Thank you for your article that could help women to understand men better and to achieve intimacy with men.
The problem I have with this article is that this is the constant advice that women get. WE must respond to a man on the man’s level. What about suggesting that the male respond to the female on HER level? This advice is usually rare.
I was just wondering, how do you get him to talk to you first? I understand the intimacy concept, but if there is no communication between the two of you, then there is no intimacy. Right? So how does a woman get her husband to discuss there issues without blaming, putting each other down, and without glorifying his mother and degrading his wife? You know, come to a solution.?!
A true’er word not spoken.. i have figured this one out and it really works. i just have to try and remember this, as i often revert to my ol ways and get a rude awakening that forcing him to talk or do the intimacy thing my way and it fails dismally. So you are right on the money with this one!!!
What’s interesting to me here, is that this article is saying that for women, intimacy is talking. For men, intimacy is shared activity. This article says that in order for women to get the intimacy they need (talking), they need to “lean in” to what their man responds to, which is the shared activity. So what this article is saying, is that if you do what this article suggests – shared activity — then you’ll get more of what you want as a woman — talking. But what women want is talking, and I can’t believe that men would all of a sudden start talking when women do shared activity.
Basically this article is saying that if you do the man thing (shared activity) you will get him to do the woman thing (talking). I don’t buy that. The article already says that men stress out when it comes to talking about emotions. I think that if you do what the article says, all you’ll get is the man’s needs met, not the woman’s. My question is: What does the woman get out of it if she follows this advice? She satisfies her man’s need for intimacy, which is fine, but when does he satisfy her need for intimacy (talking)?? I highly doubt that by doing shared activity, that all of a sudden your man is going to start talking about his feelings. When you do shared activity with a man in order to create more intimacy, what does the woman get back?
You know my husband has had an affair for 5 years. At the end of it it left us all drained because there was the usual tension because of suspicions and the hurt and the anger due to his denial. Until his girlfriend called me because they had fights because he had promised to divorce me and marry her and he was not doing that. We have talked about this issue, it keeps coming up in a nasty way most of the time. But I did not realize until now that I should not expect him to talk about it the way I would or rather the way I want. I would want him to thrash out the topic with me untill I have no doubts in my mind that its over, but I have realized that the more I try to make him talk about it, the more we fight and the bigger my frustrations and anger. I guess I will not try to make him talk about it anymore. Thanks for this article. You have helped solve one mystery.
Sports didn’t work for us. He is extremely competitive and I like to play for fun…it ended up causing more arguments than anything.
I enjoyed your article on intimacy with your husband but how do I get him to open up and talk to me about his affair, there are questions I need answers to and he just will not communicate with me on this subject. please help if you can, thank you so much and bless you.
Why does a man communicate with the other woman and not the wife but he claims that he still loves his wife aned wants to continue their relationship. Please explain? Thanks – very confused!!!
This is a lot of hooey. If you NEVER commmunicate verbally then certain needs will NEVER be met. Decision making, planning children management ALL require some VERBAL communication. Of course, doing new things IS a great way to connect but verbal is still the way of the world. SO, give some better suggestions please!
This is a great suggestion to increase intimacy by sharing an activity. It’s not a hard thing to do. I don’t have to “psych” myself up for it, and now that you point it out, I can see how this has worked for us in the past. Thanks for making this clear for me.
i’m very happy to hv received this mail cuz the fight for intimacy is one i and my husband hv been having every now and then. i always try to make him see we r nt talking very much and how that makes me feel detached from our relationship. this article has touch a raw nerve me and i think for once im willing to try a new way cuz intimacy is one thing that is very important to me in our marriage. thank u
Yet again women are expected to adjust to a man’s needs , which is fine . I would love to do an activity with my husband but with 3 children it difficult to find the time .
For me, this was very informative. I have always heard this, but to see it on this site with supporting evidence was a real eye-opener.
How in the world are men and women supposed to work together when everything they want is different? If a woman wants and NEEDS emotional closeness through talking because that’s what really makes her feel close, but that exact action is what makes a man stressed, how is that supposed to work?? It just seems destined for failure!
I think in any relationship there is a give and take. And it never works in a one way fashion. Both has to be considerate about the needs and their partners
As a wife i will try my best to start thinking more like my husband,we realy need intimacy in our marriage.
This morning I was praying about my marriage, mainly because I’ve been trying to communicate with my husband but without success.
When I was pondering about it a thinking came to me that maybe I should see him in another point of view, or maybe I should try to understand him by another point of view.
Then when I opened my e-mail I got his message and it was what I need to read to understand the thinking that came to my mind.
Thank you
While this is all very true and does work, many women have spent the last 18 to 30+ years getting “the kids” out of the way. Yes, couples SHOULD have kept activities going that just involve the two of them… but it is so hard with kids today and their activities! Some dads take part in this aspect of “rearing”, but most seem to consider it “the MOM’S job”.
Any way, now that it is just the two of you, you have to start over on the romance, getting to know each other, finding things you share an interest in. Many men are not prepared to suddenly change their routines… bowling, fishing, hunting… and don’t like it when “the wife” starts wanting to join in. Finding “something else” to do together is often not met with great enthusiasm by the “Friday night bowling league Champ”.
I was a widow with an empty nest and my present husband had been alone for 4 years when we met. We’ve been together nearly 4 years now. We are lucky! We kayak fish together, but I can not endure the cold and do not join him in the winter months. I can feel the distance that begins to develop during that 5 months even though I am present at the fishing camp while he is out on the water and we stay active together in other things. He is much more attentive to my needs and communicates better in the months we are fishing!
I truly enjoy both the kayaking and fishing, so it is not a sacrifice for me, and he knows it. So if you want to enjoy something TOGETHER, it has to be fun for BOTH. You can only “fake it” for so long and your partner may be very hurt to find you were not being honest… not to mention resentment that will ultimately develop in yourself. Don’t argue and don’t give up… keep experimenting… like you did in the beginning of your relationship… remember???
I enjoyed this article very much….except…there is no one else like my spouse!!!… He just does not respond to “anything”….I can give him what we wants and needs but I find myself drained and starved for a least a little love and respect in return. ..however; he is a taker…(took me 40 years to realize this) and I am a giver…I give all of myself and receive zelch!!!! He did not come from a loving family…I have tried just about everything except divorce…I am spiritual and he is not…He believes in God but nothing he says or does proves it…
Saw you being interviewed on Robert Schuller and “YOU” are doing such a wonderful thing with E-Harmony….I thank God for giving you that VISION!!
PT
This was really helpful! My husband often talking about wanting to do more things together. Now I see more clearly how this can facilitate greater intimacy. He needs to do, while I need to talk.
As much as I DISLIKE the idea this topic is so true! Thers much truth in this theory! I have found that the more I want or need my husband to “TALK ” withme the less chance there is of it. If I come straight out with honey I want us to talk I need us to talk…well he immediately shrinks away into the male cave so to speak. He retrieves as if its vital to his self preservation as if he thinks maybe it shows weakness if he gives in to talking about feelings needs emotions etc. He serisouly feels attacked if I go to him wanting to talk. However….If we do indeed share an activity our safest being yardwork, well then he treats me as an equal he shows interest his interest spikes his attention n affections toward me spikes. We usually have a wonderful night together after we’ve spent the day together working our butts off in the yard.
On the other hand I have found an underhanded way to get him to talk. I can actually talk him right into thevery area I wanted to talk about in the first place. I just show him that I am in doubt at all a wonderful mood, show him its safe, I ask him about things I KNOW hes interested in and cannot resist talking about. I warm him up break the ice and somehow at some point in the midst of that conversation without his even realizing it I use whatever hes talking about n take it full circle to what I’d wanted to talk about to start with LOL! It works it really does.
I have a friend who once told me when referring to men…”You can’t make a silk purse from a sows belly.” I still often refer back to that first time she told me that and i apply it to my man. Not at all that I think him as low as a sows belly but because its true you cant make such drastic changes in someone. I enjoyed this article!
tammy
This article is nice but ultimately unfulfilling. It’s all fine and good to acknowledge the male version of intimacy, and probably a growth experience to try to honor that. But once again, we are left starving for what we need–emotional connection through words. Why is it that women do so much of the accommodating and get so little nourishment?
Seems like sound advice. I already knew that men hate to talk about intimacy from try to get my husband to open up. That men feel intimacy through activity and doing is new to me. My husband always claimed we have it, but I suspected he was just trying to avoid talking about it.
RH.
@Victoria:
“Why does a man communicate with the other woman and not the wife but he claims that he still loves his wife aned wants to continue their relationship.”
I’ve been married almost 27 years and a friend pointed me at this article… and I think it’ll be easy to explain.
First off, the human nervous system “accomodates” and ignore constant (unchanging) inputs. Stare at a wall with a pattern on it without moving your eyes for a long time and you’ll find it fading to gray.
So, if you use up his patience and don’t want to share *his* interests, his ability to listen to *your* interests will fade.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you– it just means that he’s heard something enough times and is filtering it out.
I’ll admit that the article is fairly simplistic because it implies that women have to make a unilateral effort to change their behaviors… but the expectation that men do all of the changing is not particularly fair, either. Why can’t half a loaf be better than none?
The first responder (Tracey) pointed out that she was able to use the “shared activity” time to talk without immediately irritating him.
Some activities are suitable for talking, some aren’t. These might be the toughest things to deal with.
Finally, all men are different, just like all women are different. No one wants to surrender to their partner even though…
No one has a monopoly on truth, you know. Not even me.
I will definitely give this a try tonight….hope it works!:)
My problem is getting him to do a shared activity, kind of like Pat Taylors hudband. I ask, but he’s not interested in anything I’m interested in (gardening, bike riding, museums, new restarants, book club, dinner parties, wine, fixing up the house, dogs/animals). I suggested we have a superbowl party and his reply was, “Why would you want to do that?” He doesn’t want me going to the golf course with him which I have suggested numerous times. I even took lessons to show him I was serious. He’ll go to a movie, but there isn’t much room for interaction during a show.
I agree with Karla, Nany and Katherine…why do women have to “get on the mans level?”, in order to initiate a conversation. People should just be able to say what they feel/need/want without *planning* it out, good or bad. It would be fabulous to be aknowledged emotionally …then the shared intimacy might be a good next step…but for now…this doesn’t help me and my situation much. This advice makes me feel like I have four kids instead of three.
I think there are more women then just me who are NOT natural talkers…I married a talker-man; I am the doer. He is the one that wants to make sure we discuss things, talk out details, make sure everything is okay emotionally. When he works side by side with me, we talk more. Folding laundry together, we talk. He makes me feel safe, helps with things that need to get done, so I feel like I have time to talk. He also cultivates great questions, provokes me into good conversations by the things he wants to learn about me. He feels strongly about once a week dates out, even if it is just to eat, so we can talk–about everything and nothing. He makes me feel like he wants to know more about me every chance he gets. He is my best friend, 18 years today we were married, still going strong!
I’ll start by saying that I love my husband very much and appreciate everything he does for our family. However, what I don’t understand is how my husband can open up and talk all day when the subject revolves around something that matters to him but can become “overstressed” by talking when the subject matters to me. Usually, if I don’t initiate conversation about troubling marital/parental issues, they will NEVER get discussed or resolved. The kind of tension that could bring would leave me feeling like he’s the LAST person on earth I want to spend quality time with. I think that men are all too ofetn forgiven for being the jerks that they are while their wives are left shoveling the poop they dish out and making the house smell nice afterwards. Am I crazy for feeling this way?
I seem to have a strange “combo” husband, he will talk till he’s blue in the face about his interests, on and on till my eyes are glazed over and I want to run screaming from the room! I enjoy good conversation, don’t get me wrong but his communication skills are so one sided I dread talking to him at all, about anything other than the most mundane things. He never askes about my interests though, I can’t seem to get a word in edgewise. On the other hand, if he’s done something stupid, like lie about certain “habits” he has and he knows I’m upset with him, then he shuts down like fort knox and can literally go for WEEKS without saying a single word to me. Tina, what you said was sooo true.
As a husband, I can say this article does make sense. To those who ask “why should a wife take advice that tells her to change for her husband, why doesn’t the advice suggest he also change for her”, I would point out that such advice would never be given to HER, nor would the reverse ever be given to HIM. When advice is addressed to a particular audience, it will always address what that audience can affect. To understand this, just imagine that an equivalent article can be addressed to the husbands, with the content changed to reflect what a wife’s intimacy needs are. THAT’s where he hears about what HE can try to change.
One last point – there’s no advice that “fixes” a relationship where disrespectful, immoral, or abusive behavior is willingly engaged in and/or tolerated, so when people ask questions like “how can I fix it when my husband treats me badly”, they’re in some sort of denial about the nature of the relationship, and not asking the appropriate question(s).
for those who seek intimacy and a strong marriage, even and particularly if one of you has been emotionally or physically involved with someone outside your marriage i would like to recommend two books written by women Phds. They have greatly helped me and my husband open up to let each other in after almost 38 years of an honorable but not deeply shared marraige. we each got a book so we could mark and fold pages and underline the “aha ” moments when you see yourself clearly though another persons experience.
we really do need one another, and the problems are common in our world today but the relationships redeemable . As they point out, long term commitments take work and the beginnings of affairs are so thrilling because you only see the best in the new love interest…no work just blinding admiration.
So the books are After the Affair / Janis Abrams Spring PH.D author. and Not”Just Friends”/Shirley Glass, PH.D .
I have found both very helpful as has my husband. Helps you each to communicate effectively what you need.
PS if your husband is not a reader , read them for yourself and the grace of your relationship. We have discovered being intentional in our time together and actually putting dates on the calender to discover thing we both enjoy to be really good times for discussing everything from the mundane, the hurtful and the truly good things our marraige has going for it . God bless your sweet talk
This article highlights and underscores the very point the marriage therapist my husband and I have been seeing . I understand the main point intellectually, but like several other responders, my feelings have been, “why must I be the one to compromise my needs?” I, for one, would truly appreciate an editorial response to this issue.
My next response is finding an activity we can do together on a regular basis. He’s a techie and addicted to it. Technology is necessary but has its place, which is not constantly, in my view. I might try the home repair/remodeling route. We have sort of been dabbling in this area over the last year. We have each had our own little roles in the process; perhaps, I can figure out how to go forward with us working together, rather than separately.
I am willing to give this a try. This describes my husbands communicating skills quite accurately, but the solution is not going to be that easy for us. He is not one to like to try new things, and we don’t really share common interests. He is quite comfortable to just sit in front of the TV with me sitting beside him. Sometimes I think that is all he wants from our relationship. I am sorry to say that I’ve run out of creative ideas to get him motivated.
I am engaged to get married and I can’t really relate to this article. My fiance and I have great communication, we talk about everything and then at times we can just be in each other’s presence and say nothing and that is okay too. I have found that if I am judgmental in any way towards my fiance about any subject we talk about then he shuts down. Men have very fragile egos they want to be our heroes, our knights in shining armor. Maybe its not that men don’t like to talk much, but it may be that they don’t feel safe talking about things because of their mates reaction to what they were talking about. This can go both ways, we women can shut down too because we are afraid of our mates reaction. I find that when my fiance and I do things together if we just enjoy each others company and laugh and talk about whatever that when we do get together and have serious conversations he is more open to sharing all of his thoughts.
lucky Jenni
does your husband have a twin brother who is still single.
As a wife with 3 children and married for almost 14 years, I only had this problem of communication five years ago when another woman involved. My husband kept his deep secrets all the time and for five lonely years he separated his house from us just to make sure that he will always had a communication with this other woman. He’s visiting us for quite sometimes but never talks. He told me that he’s tired of working and he doesn’t want to talk about his job (and yet he never ask me as well how’s the kids going on). He will just sit and watch TV, drinking his favourite beer and will take his dinner and after that he will leave us without saying when he will come back. I’m always waiting for him to talk but it always end up with a quarrel. Why he can’t stop communicating with this other woman of him despite his family is very angry of his misbehaviour? I’m confused as well on how to win back his time for me.
This is an interesting article… but… why should we have to give in to this? Why do we have to walk on egg shells around men? We actually have to make a plan, and figure out when and where, and HOW to bring something up!? It’s like we have to be sneaky to say what we have to say! LOL…. what’s wrong with this picture? They just need to be men and not have to be treated like children with all sorts of psychological tactics! We should be able to say what we want at any given time… the way they do when THEY feel that YOU have hurt their feelings, or done something wrong! Do they wait for the right time? Not my husband!!! And let me tell you, its NEVER the right time, but I have to listen anyway!
Once again, the woman is supposed to accomodate the man when ideally, we should meet halfway. The unfortunate truth is that women are the ones who typically read the books, do internet research, see the counselors, and try in 1,000 different ways to improve a relationship, while the man usually does not do a damn thing except wonder why she doesn’t just leave him alone completely.
And if you doubt what I say, just take a look at the names of the people who have posted here–2 men out of about 50 posts. I rest my case.
It’s interesting to see statistics (such as the average number of words spoken per day by men and women, respectively.) However, I think it is important to realize that statistics are based on a sample of people and don’t necessarily apply to any given individual.
My husband is a talker, about all sorts of nonsensical drivel and would probably easily average 14,000 words a day. Topics include things that are of interest to him–such as components of auto parts (yes, that means a piece of an auto part,) performance of various machines, and holding forth at great length about his view on current events, so much so that I usually have to catch a later broadcast to find out what the real news is. He talks so much that we have been in social situations where people have actually walked away and he doesn’t even seem to notice, he just talks on.
I do not believe this is inconsiderate behavior, but I think it may be a symptom of some sort of psychological problem, even perhaps a mental illness. I have suggested counseling to him when it coincides with other things, such as insomnia, and he has refused to go. Mostly I tolerate it, listen for a few key words, and otherwise tune out. My views, opinions, thoughts and feelings? He sometimes listens a little, but cuts me short and just goes on talking.
I try not to take it personally, as I believe it may be a real mental problem, and I can’t get angry at someone if they have a disease (any disease,) it just doesn’t make sense. Viewed in this light, if my husband were ill from a physical disease, I wouldn’t blame him for his limitations, I’d adjust to them if I took the “till death do us part” vow seriously. So I no longer force him to listen to me, I just accept the fact that his capacity to do so is very limited. He has other good qualities that many husbands do not have.
I’ve learned to take care of myself and get the real emotional support I need elsewhere, such as from friends, family, and coworkers. I think the notion that one person can fill all of their mate’s needs is a lot of nonsense, anyways. For most of human history, people lived in extended families, and got their emotional needs filled from a variety of sources, even though sexual intimacy was primarily reserved for one other person. Marriages were usually contracted by parents, with little input from the two people who were to be married to each other. It is only in relatively recent times that the notion of romantic love and marriage fulfilling nearly all of the couple’s emotional needs has been an ideal. I wonder if the human mind is really hardwired to do it, and maybe we are making it unnecessarily hard on ourselves to not rely on family and friends for a good part of our emotional support and connectedness.
Just goes to show there are no formulae. You just take the advice and try it. It might work. If it does more power to you and partner. If it doesn’t well… So whats next.
GoOD aRtiCLe : ) eVeN bETteR cOmMEnTs!!! I am soooo sorry for you LADIES that are looking for results and NOT getting it. YOU deserve it! We all deserve it! We all deserve to be happy and have our needs met and be fulfilled in our relationships! Unfortunately, our agency (MEN & WOMEN) plays such a critical role in all aspects of our lives/relationships. We can create incredible results together or create some much “deeper” issues than this article addresses.
Some Absolutes are red flags and can be misleading. Thus, most articles have an author, an opinion, and maybe some research to support their writtings. Take this one for what it is woth. * Read any worthy article, book, research, etc. on LASTING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS and you will find one KEY ingredient (I love to cook!), W O R K – relationships take work. Both partners MUST work at the relationship – be not unequally yoked.
BEST WISHES to all of us, as we WORK on our relationships!!! : )
I am similiar to Georgia’s husband. I too am a talker. Unfortunately I did not take the articles advice to find common ground and now separated. I realise that I can be annoying to my spouse. I too close up at the first hint of danger. What a guy like me is looking for is afirmation of his interests and of his value to the relationship. I know it might be vain but we want to get that all out. I just hope that I can take the ideas here and put the pieces back together. Thanks for the good article
This is so true! There is nothing like developing at least a basic appreciation for a sport or hobby of your spouse and then finding a way to participate. My husband and I have been married 34 years and I just love to watch him watching baseball, either on t.v. or live at the ballpark. I don’t think I will ever learn how to keep score or be able to keep all those statistics in my head but I have been able to learn who the important players are, that “Pitchers and catchers report” are the most eagerly anticipated words in the world, and how to turn a trip out of town to watch the Yankees play in Tampa into a romantic getaway!
This year I’ll have been with my husband for 34 years. All this advice sounds good at first, but let’s face it, women and men are so different in most ways. I find that the older most men get, they get even more inpatient and crabby, and it’s hard to talk about things unless it’s when they want to. And when they are done talking, that’s it, whether you have said what you wanted to say or not. Mine even cuts me off midsentence now, which is maddening. I join in with the women who commented why do we always have to be the ones who compromise. Read the front cover of any woman’s magazine, it’s always about 10 sex secrets for you to use on your man, how to lose 10 lbs in two weeks, how to look ten years younger. When will we ever see any men’s magazines that tell them to change. I’ll tell you when, NEVER. Men are supposed to have their own interests and we are supposed to always be available for sex, do most of the housework, all of the cooking, keep our figures – or the threat is always somehow there that they will leave us for a 20 year old. It’s all exhausting. I love my husband dearly but if you ask me, it’s the women who do all the compromising and fretting over the relationships.
I think this suggestion would be difficult for our marriage because my husband cannot multi-task so trying to communicate while doing an activity only frustrates both of us more because he can’t stay with me on the topic (been there tried it). The other reason is that both of us are very competitive so we don’t have fun participating in sports together. We do have times of open communication while driving long distances, if I’m the one driving. So we take road trips to really have deep conversations. The biggest thing I’ve learned in seven years of marriage is not to take everything so seriously and to learn to laugh together. It really lightens up the mood & even can end an argument if you can make each other laugh. The bottom line is what works for one couple may not work for another so you have to find what works for your relationship and use it wisely….
I don’t know, maybe it works for some people but now us. I’ve spend a lot of time with my husband while he was working in the garage or driving with him and yet still never knew his “true” feelings.
I thought part of this article was helpful. I don’t want my man to feel like “The Wallet” but I also work full time AND go to school full time. It’d be nice to incorporate the working woman as well.
I get tired of listening to both sides and hear the blame that we place on eachother. Sex is like air to men. It is what drives us emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Women need emotional nurturing. Everyone should take personal inventory and see that they focus their efforts on meeting the needs of their spouses and quit complaining about what they are not getting. If you feel like you are doing everything right in your marriage and still feel empty, seek marriage counseling to address the issues. If that does not work, you need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to be in that relationship. Like it or not, heterosexual men and women need eachother. What makes us different is also what attracts us to eachother. Embrace our differences and work on what brought you together in the first place. Life is too short!
…In the animal kingdom, the male is more beautiful and his soul purpose in life is to pass on his genes. There are some Males that protect, some that mate for life, some that raise the young, some that play….as it is with humans.
Most men do not enjoy the intimate talk, they feel attacked at what they THINK they are best at. Men usually do not want women to tell them what they like, as they THINK they know what every woman likes. My husband claims to be a good lover…I am still waiting for him to show me. He has not ever asked me if I like a particular thing…to me, (being human) foreplay is a form of communication…you try to find out what feels good to your partner, what they like best, then work on it with gusto…and they will get same in return.
Do nothing…get nothing!
oh, and this also applies to outside the home….
Hi Folks,
Either the man is really into you and desires to hear your voice, or not. Men love to talk to women they love, and they need to ignore women they’d rather not deal with for one reason or another…..If he’s running away or just not consistently talking about important issues it is because in his mind “YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT”.
Go find a man who’s really into you and actually loves you and both your needs will get met.
Life doesn’t need to be so painful…
Unfortunately, the “fact” that men talk less than women isn’t a fact but a stereotype. Even the author of the recent book The Female Brain has conceded that she misspoke in her text and will be removing the reference to this faulty “truth” in the forthcoming editions. Men and women speak more or less depending on the context. Women, for example, are generally more quiet during courtship in order to avoid negative reaction. Google it up, and remember, just because something is printed ANYWHERE does not make it so. Followers of MSNBC would also be interested in a recent article documenting a study that suggests if someone is bothered by “nagging”, it could be because of faulty beliefs on their end and a refusal to accept outside influence. In terms of marriage survival rates, John Gottman, Ph.D, warns that the unwillingness to accept direction from their wives is a key factor in divorce. Some men are exceptionally extroverted and enjoy conversation, some women do not. While there are differences between men and women, I think it’s unfortunate that sterotypes are presented as assistance to a better marriage. If only the social science would back that up…
I just experience this this past weekend I helped my husband do yard work and my husband was so relaxed and he even said how he was relaxed and felt good. He was warm and open. So I shall start with pool playing.
Two book recommendations : The Five Love Languages
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian
Be patient. We all have our strengths and weknesses. There is so much on the male mind, yet they have been taught to keep it in for so long it is very hard to articulate it. Remember this mothers who have sons that it is how we teach them while they are young that they will continue as they are old. I live this daily. God loves us and cares about this situation we just have to give it to him.
“While intimate conversation can create euphoric feelings in women, they are more likely to trigger that hardwired fight-or-flight response in men. Not just figuratively – literally!” Ok, I’ve suspected this all along. I’m an exception. Apparently I’m a woman that’s “wired” like a man. And wouldn’t you know it, I married a man that always wanted to talk, talk, talk about his feelings.
“…men find closeness through “doing.— And so does this woman. I would have loved it if my husband (who I’m now divorcing) would have just participated in a home improvement project with me or allowed me to help him cook a meal.
It’s a shame that I’m about to be single again when it seems that, if this article is true, I should have been able to relate better to a man than most women because I “get it”. I understand how a man’s wired. Hopefully, I can now find a man that appreciates that.
So, there you have it: shades of preferences on both gender sides but thank God for yet another dimension to our differences: I also love to talk to my wife but true it’s not that important to me. Working in the garden together is what meets my buddy needs. What I DO feel matters most for my wife (of 30 years) is not merely her talking or sharing details of particular subject matter, but rather that there is a GENUINELY INTERESTED PERSON (within eye sight). Much of the real intimate and personal issues may yet be discussed with special female friends, but the FEELING that comes from a husband who shows ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT and INTEREST in whatever she verbally wants to express is what grow LOVE and INTIMACY. And I’m not faking it.
Well, my husband talks so easily to other women, but can’t talk about almost anything with me.Its so frustrating!!When we go out as a family or he spends time with us at home, he keeps muttering comments like”What a boring day!” “I’m bored!” etc.
I think most women get such a raw deal from marriage.Our husbands are ready to flirt with other women, but are so incapable of showing us even the slightest show of love.
interesting article… however in my case, it’s my husband who loves to sit and talk, talk, talk … by talking together he gets his “love tank” filled; he calls it “quality time”. i’m the one who fixes things around the house (because he prefers to chat on his time off from work). i have to really work at “chatting” when really what i would love us to do is also to “do things together around the house”… never assume men don’t love to talk! question is, do i feel more intimacy between my hubby and i? not necessarily. why? because he is not speaking my language.
I’ve heard this, but my husband does like to talk about work, he just never remembers the names of anyone. He’ll call everyone “this guy I work with” so stories start out: “Remember that guy at work I told you about who sits by that other guy?” Huh? Usually he connects them to things that HE wants like “the guy with the pretty wife” or “the guy with the second home in the country” or something. So I play Clue that way, but it’s like walking on eggshells. I find that as long as I’m doing dishes or putting laundry away so I don’t appear TOO interested he’ll say more. Men.
I know this is probably going to get me shot, but I’m going to say it anyway.
I keep seeing all these angry messages that acknowledge the male needs for intimacy, yet cry out that their own need for intimacy is not met. Some also complain that this is just another way of selflessly serving their husband. So much frustration and anger!
I’ve been married for just over 13 years. We’ve weathered just about every kind of obstacle you can think of, from drugs to affairs to financial difficulties. Of course I have a ton of things I can be mad about. I agree that on the surface this seems like another way of giving to your husband. But ya know what, it’s also saying that its a means to an end.
Sometimes, especially when it hurts the most, you have to give to get. Yes, we get tired of giving. But so do our husbands. Think about all the times you’ve tried to make them talk (yes, I do it to) and all the times you were obviously upset when you did that. From this advice, they’ve percieved the situation as their failure and your reminder of their faults (again). Imagine him thinking that each time you’ve tried to talk. I’m sure its a lot! How would you feel about talking if your husband did nothing to meet your need for intimacy and constantly harped at you about how fat you are (or any other horrible fault). It’d be pretty dang hard to give anything back if you felt like that.
I think you’ve got to try and see it from their point of view sometimes. That’s what we’re in marriage to do. Good times and bad, right?
Anyway, I’ve tried this and it does work. When I don’t do anything with my husband, he refuses to discuss almost everything. But when I grit my teeth and watch him watching TV, or other things I think are a waste of valuable time, he’ll talk. Sometimes, we talk till early in the morning about everything from religion, to family, to our relationship. THOSE moment make it all worthwhile.
In regard to affairs, from our past experience, when you have that heart wrenching need to discuss it is NOT the time to discuss it. If he ever really loved you and the affair was an obvious mistake, you can overcome it together. Having the girlfriend around as a reminder is not the best way to do that, I think. I’d personally have to see all ties cut. But when it comes down to it, you need to focus on you. You can’t make him change and you can’t keep him from cheating again. You’re powerless.
Think about who you where when you dated and married. WHat was fun and interesting about you? Were you adventurous and loved yourself? Maybe those are the things you can focus on instead of him. Personally, I totally freaked out and about killed myself. I went to therapy (not marriage counseling) and worked through some issues that had pushed us apart. I left it to him to work in himself if he wanted to keep me. I didn’t think he would and I was scared to death. But ya know what, I became interesting to him again. It took a couple of years before I trusted him again (probably about 4 to be exact), but I do now. And ya know, I finally resolved myself to the fact that it was truly a mistake on his part and he was truly sorry. How many of us have screwed up really bad and needed forgiveness? (That’s not to say that all cheaters are this way).
In the end, we’ve recognized our own faults and started all over again.
I think this is completely sexist. I’m not mad just a little shocked. So, women are suppose to just forget about their needs only men are allowed to have needs? that doesn’t help women it only provokes them to give up everything. They have kids, cleaning, work, cooking, and thus give up our life and needs almost completely. The only thing most women ask for is emotional expression though speech AND touch we aren’t robots we usually want talk and touch not just talk. They could at least try, if they did maybe they would get better at it. Women will at least try almost anything and everything for their husbands. And then people like you tell us to ignore our needs when we would never ask our husbands to ignore their needs. I think you need to do some more research.
I too have questions about an affair that he refuses to open up and tell me about. I have tried SO MANY TIMES to just let him tell me vs. ‘nagging’ or asking him repeatedly. He will NEVER bring it up. So there we are… stuck between a rock and a hard place. When were were having marital problems, he had no problem opening up to her and sharing anything and everything. Why can’t he open up to me??? This method just opens up surface issues. not hard to talk about ones. How do you get deeper????
I get so tired of seeing/hearing this. If things are not talked about – nothing gets resolved. I am not a typical female – as I despise the chattering about nothing that women do… However, my husband not only doesn’t “do” anything – other than watch tv and scream at me when I want to watch sports, every time I attempt to include him in my activities or the kids activities – he shuts down even more.
When I fix stuff around the house, he gets a resentment that I am emasculating him – but he won’t do it??!!!! As parents of four, two with significant disabilities, I am completely isolated – he doesn’t have a clue that while he can go to work, and concentrate on work, I am constantly juggling work, school, IEPs, doctors appointments, financial obligations etc., I have many male friends and I have yet to see anyone as completely incapable of having any kind of emotional attachment as this…
Good luck with this whole idea – if you have a cookie cutter husband and you are a cookie cutter wife – sure… I sure wish that someone would come up with a real solution other than do it his way – or try to understand.
again..we need to conform to the man to make it more comfortable for him than what we like to do. Sacrafice, Sacrafice, Sacrafice!
I have noticed several responses asking why the woman needs to come to the ‘man’s level’ first. The short answer is that many men are raised to believe that sharing one’s emotions, or even having emotions at all, is a weakness and a form of shame. The idea is that by interacting at the man’s level first, you allow him to interpret your relationship through the power-based connections he is raised to respect.
So, by coming to your husband’s level of communication you ‘cede’ a certain amount of relationship ‘power’, which allows him in turn to ‘cede’ his own power to you by exposing his feelings.
It is not mearly a laziness, or that the man doesn’t care, although this is too often the case it seems. But rather men are conditioned from an early age by various paternal figures (only sissis cry! etc.) to equate sharing their feelings with being to ‘weak’ not to share.
Before you criticize this view: my father commitied suicide after a relationship struggle with his wife which was caused by, and only made worse by the fact, that he was totally unable to share his emotions and views. The mental pressure overcame him, a man drowning of lonliness in a sea of people waiting to listen.