Comments on: Inside the Mind of the Married Man: What Intimacy Means to Him

By: Nick

Nick — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 04:05:14 +0000

I have noticed several responses asking why the woman needs to come to the ‘man’s level’ first. The short answer is that many men are raised to believe that sharing one’s emotions, or even having emotions at all, is a weakness and a form of shame. The idea is that by interacting at the man’s level first, you allow him to interpret your relationship through the power-based connections he is raised to respect.
So, by coming to your husband’s level of communication you ‘cede’ a certain amount of relationship ‘power’, which allows him in turn to ‘cede’ his own power to you by exposing his feelings.
It is not mearly a laziness, or that the man doesn’t care, although this is too often the case it seems. But rather men are conditioned from an early age by various paternal figures (only sissis cry! etc.) to equate sharing their feelings with being to ‘weak’ not to share.
Before you criticize this view: my father commitied suicide after a relationship struggle with his wife which was caused by, and only made worse by the fact, that he was totally unable to share his emotions and views. The mental pressure overcame him, a man drowning of lonliness in a sea of people waiting to listen.

By: barbara

barbara — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 03:20:34 +0000

again..we need to conform to the man to make it more comfortable for him than what we like to do. Sacrafice, Sacrafice, Sacrafice!

By: Robyn

Robyn — Thu, 10 May 2007 04:57:36 +0000

I get so tired of seeing/hearing this. If things are not talked about – nothing gets resolved. I am not a typical female – as I despise the chattering about nothing that women do… However, my husband not only doesn’t “do” anything – other than watch tv and scream at me when I want to watch sports, every time I attempt to include him in my activities or the kids activities – he shuts down even more.

When I fix stuff around the house, he gets a resentment that I am emasculating him – but he won’t do it??!!!! As parents of four, two with significant disabilities, I am completely isolated – he doesn’t have a clue that while he can go to work, and concentrate on work, I am constantly juggling work, school, IEPs, doctors appointments, financial obligations etc., I have many male friends and I have yet to see anyone as completely incapable of having any kind of emotional attachment as this…

Good luck with this whole idea – if you have a cookie cutter husband and you are a cookie cutter wife – sure… I sure wish that someone would come up with a real solution other than do it his way – or try to understand.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sun, 06 May 2007 18:37:30 +0000

I too have questions about an affair that he refuses to open up and tell me about. I have tried SO MANY TIMES to just let him tell me vs. ‘nagging’ or asking him repeatedly. He will NEVER bring it up. So there we are… stuck between a rock and a hard place. When were were having marital problems, he had no problem opening up to her and sharing anything and everything. Why can’t he open up to me??? This method just opens up surface issues. not hard to talk about ones. How do you get deeper????

By: Maranda

Maranda — Fri, 04 May 2007 04:28:14 +0000

I think this is completely sexist. I’m not mad just a little shocked. So, women are suppose to just forget about their needs only men are allowed to have needs? that doesn’t help women it only provokes them to give up everything. They have kids, cleaning, work, cooking, and thus give up our life and needs almost completely. The only thing most women ask for is emotional expression though speech AND touch we aren’t robots we usually want talk and touch not just talk. They could at least try, if they did maybe they would get better at it. Women will at least try almost anything and everything for their husbands. And then people like you tell us to ignore our needs when we would never ask our husbands to ignore their needs. I think you need to do some more research.

By: Angela

Angela — Tue, 01 May 2007 15:07:46 +0000

I know this is probably going to get me shot, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I keep seeing all these angry messages that acknowledge the male needs for intimacy, yet cry out that their own need for intimacy is not met. Some also complain that this is just another way of selflessly serving their husband. So much frustration and anger!

I’ve been married for just over 13 years. We’ve weathered just about every kind of obstacle you can think of, from drugs to affairs to financial difficulties. Of course I have a ton of things I can be mad about. I agree that on the surface this seems like another way of giving to your husband. But ya know what, it’s also saying that its a means to an end.

Sometimes, especially when it hurts the most, you have to give to get. Yes, we get tired of giving. But so do our husbands. Think about all the times you’ve tried to make them talk (yes, I do it to) and all the times you were obviously upset when you did that. From this advice, they’ve percieved the situation as their failure and your reminder of their faults (again). Imagine him thinking that each time you’ve tried to talk. I’m sure its a lot! How would you feel about talking if your husband did nothing to meet your need for intimacy and constantly harped at you about how fat you are (or any other horrible fault). It’d be pretty dang hard to give anything back if you felt like that.

I think you’ve got to try and see it from their point of view sometimes. That’s what we’re in marriage to do. Good times and bad, right?

Anyway, I’ve tried this and it does work. When I don’t do anything with my husband, he refuses to discuss almost everything. But when I grit my teeth and watch him watching TV, or other things I think are a waste of valuable time, he’ll talk. Sometimes, we talk till early in the morning about everything from religion, to family, to our relationship. THOSE moment make it all worthwhile.

In regard to affairs, from our past experience, when you have that heart wrenching need to discuss it is NOT the time to discuss it. If he ever really loved you and the affair was an obvious mistake, you can overcome it together. Having the girlfriend around as a reminder is not the best way to do that, I think. I’d personally have to see all ties cut. But when it comes down to it, you need to focus on you. You can’t make him change and you can’t keep him from cheating again. You’re powerless.

Think about who you where when you dated and married. WHat was fun and interesting about you? Were you adventurous and loved yourself? Maybe those are the things you can focus on instead of him. Personally, I totally freaked out and about killed myself. I went to therapy (not marriage counseling) and worked through some issues that had pushed us apart. I left it to him to work in himself if he wanted to keep me. I didn’t think he would and I was scared to death. But ya know what, I became interesting to him again. It took a couple of years before I trusted him again (probably about 4 to be exact), but I do now. And ya know, I finally resolved myself to the fact that it was truly a mistake on his part and he was truly sorry. How many of us have screwed up really bad and needed forgiveness? (That’s not to say that all cheaters are this way).

In the end, we’ve recognized our own faults and started all over again.

By: Kathleen

Kathleen — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:27 +0000

I’ve heard this, but my husband does like to talk about work, he just never remembers the names of anyone. He’ll call everyone “this guy I work with” so stories start out: “Remember that guy at work I told you about who sits by that other guy?” Huh? Usually he connects them to things that HE wants like “the guy with the pretty wife” or “the guy with the second home in the country” or something. So I play Clue that way, but it’s like walking on eggshells. I find that as long as I’m doing dishes or putting laundry away so I don’t appear TOO interested he’ll say more. Men.

By: Louise

Louise — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 03:02:26 +0000

interesting article… however in my case, it’s my husband who loves to sit and talk, talk, talk … by talking together he gets his “love tank” filled; he calls it “quality time”. i’m the one who fixes things around the house (because he prefers to chat on his time off from work). i have to really work at “chatting” when really what i would love us to do is also to “do things together around the house”… never assume men don’t love to talk! question is, do i feel more intimacy between my hubby and i? not necessarily. why? because he is not speaking my language.

By: Sally

Sally — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:30:24 +0000

Well, my husband talks so easily to other women, but can’t talk about almost anything with me.Its so frustrating!!When we go out as a family or he spends time with us at home, he keeps muttering comments like”What a boring day!” “I’m bored!” etc.

I think most women get such a raw deal from marriage.Our husbands are ready to flirt with other women, but are so incapable of showing us even the slightest show of love.

By: AlexH

AlexH — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 23:44:18 +0000

So, there you have it: shades of preferences on both gender sides but thank God for yet another dimension to our differences: I also love to talk to my wife but true it’s not that important to me. Working in the garden together is what meets my buddy needs. What I DO feel matters most for my wife (of 30 years) is not merely her talking or sharing details of particular subject matter, but rather that there is a GENUINELY INTERESTED PERSON (within eye sight). Much of the real intimate and personal issues may yet be discussed with special female friends, but the FEELING that comes from a husband who shows ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT and INTEREST in whatever she verbally wants to express is what grow LOVE and INTIMACY. And I’m not faking it.