Are You a Male Nag?
In popular media, the role of the nag invariably belongs to women. The cartoonish setup has become a sitcom staple: the poor hapless husband, who just wants a few hours of peace and quiet, being hounded by a demanding wife with an endless to-do list for him.
The put-upon husband never seems to have needs, or ask for help, or wonder why she hasn’t done the things she promised. It’s a film loop of her sarcastic digs and put-downs while he sits in his La-Z-Boy trying to watch the ball game.
The rarity of the fictional nagging husband begs the question — are the roles ever reversed in real life? Can men nag? When they do, how is it different from the female variety? And most important, are YOU a male nag?
Male nagging may not be discussed as much, but it is prevalent in long-term relationships. It’s just that men tend to nag about different kinds of issues, and in ways that are a little less ripe for parody.
- When you ask your wife for the fifth time if she’s taken the car in to get the brakes checked, you’re being a nag.
- When you remind her again to pay the cable bill like she promised, you’re being a nag.
- When you sit in the passenger seat and criticize her driving, you’re being a nag.
- When you ask repeatedly for sex, you’re being a nag.
- When you stand over her giving nitpicky instructions or directions or criticisms, you’re being a nag.
These men come from this work environment into a home where things don't run quite as smoothly. They often exercise work-oriented management skills over their wives and children, with "unpleasant" results.
In addition, nagging men often feel that they possess a special knowledge that their wives don't share — regarding computer equipment, TV or stereo equipment, financial matters, the family car, etc. Handing over control of these items to her creates such a sense of internal anxiety that these men can't resist giving running instructions about the right and wrong ways to proceed.
Kicking the Nagging Habit
1. Understand the reasons.
People nag because they don’t feel that they are being heard, so rather than dropping offhand comments and complaints, arrange to talk calmly and deliberately about the issue. If the car’s brakes need checking, make sure she understands that you’re worried about the brakes failing, and ask her when she can take the car in. Look for agreement and understanding.
2. If what you’re doing isn’t working, stop doing it.
If you’ve asked your wife to help you do something, and she can’t get around to doing it, nagging her is NEVER going to help. You may successfully browbeat her a few timesÖbut the price you will pay in resentment is exponential.
If the undone task you’ve asked her to do is so vital that it risks your health or your financial good name, you may need to do it yourself. Performing this vital task may mean that you need to eliminate a task of lesser priority. It’s important to keep this balance and to share with your wife the necessity of jostling your responsibilities.
At the very least, you may need to ask, “Honey, how can I help you get this done?”
3. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
Life can include times that are busy, unexpected and tiresome. Some days are worse than others. Make sure that your wife — the love of your life — gets the most forgiveness, kindness and understanding you can muster. Always give her the opportunity to save face. Some days, no matter how great our intentions, maybe we just can’t get things done.
4. Change your tone.
Here’s the hardest part about being a male nag: you’re probably right about the issues you keep bringing up. The car HAS to be checked before the brakes fail. The cable bill HAS to be paid before it gets turned off. You’re not just talking to hear your head rattle; you’re trying to make your home and your life run more smoothly. But as with most things in married life, it’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.
Take a breath and think about your tone of voice before you speak. You can’t play “gotcha” with your wife. When you come from a place of loving concern, your questions are likely to generate a positive, non-defensive response.
5. Don’t beg for sex.
If you feel that you are nagging your wife for sex, you’ve got a problem that deserves a resolution. For most men, a satisfying sexual relationship is fundamental to a happy marriage, and you should never have to beg to be fulfilled in the bedroom. There can be a range of reasons for varying levels of sexual interest — from medical and emotional concerns to physical exhaustion. Arrange for a quiet time to ask some questions and find out what’s really going on. If it’s necessary, seek professional counseling.
The next time you catch yourself mid-nag, stop and think, “Is there a better way to get what I’m after?” Just by interrupting your usual mental script and becoming aware of your nagging tendencies, you’ve taken a tremendous step toward finding a better solution and a happier home.
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Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, Family, For Men
6 Responses to “Are You a Male Nag?”
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Convicted. I hate to admit it, but I am a male nag. God bless my wife for her patience – it seems to be tested daily. Through humility, faith in the Lord, and a desire to change I pray my wife and daughter will be blessed. Thank you for this article as it is a good reminder!
Love this article. Now I Know what the problem is with my Hubbie, I just thought he was boring me to death, Now I know he’s actually “Nagging” me to death. Now I just need to learn how to deal with it so I don’t shut him out completly. Before it gets to late.
VERY GUILTY. I nag my wife about things and at the same time when they aren’t getting done I tend to put the most trivial things above them. This is what is gonna help me change and I thank you for putting this up.
I loved the article. It is seldom that a man will think himself a nag. That “tag” seems to be (to them) for women only. My husband puts me down about my driving, the way I conduct business, the foods I prepare, the fact that I’m generous/giving, and even has been known to criticize me for loving all races of people. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought these were Godly qualities. I was able to perform to satisfaction for the Joint Chiefs of Staff when I was working, but not my husband. He watches my every word when I’m talking with a client or perspective client with (I believe) a critical eye. I have asked him to give my talents, my successes, my good points equal attention, but he seldom gives me positive feedback, only negative. Help!
Ok..I agree that it is a myth that only women nag or that they nag more than men. I also agree that you should not constantly harangue your partner when something doesn’t change. HOWEVER, not all nagging is a desire to be a control freak. What happens when there is a significant issue that the other partner refuses to change or even acknowledge ? What happens if you have tried being understanding, talk gently and respectfully, tried to resolve the issue by just changing things (such as changing conditions for someone who is constantly late) without nagging them (and getting rude reactions anyway) etc. I agree nagging is just plain irrational and immature but I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells and treat my wife like a wilting violet if the issue is serious either. I would like to treat her like an equal.
My husband nags and berates our children and myself. Nothing is ever good enough for him. The children and I know we aren’t going to please him, so we have basically given up. There are things that the children don’t do (clean their rooms, go to bed on time, etc…) that needs correcting but the nagging is not fixing the problem. I can’t make my husband see that. He puts down the children all the time and sends the wrong message to them. I know he doesn’t mean to come across the way he does but he comes across negative anyway. How can I help him change this negative behavior?