Comments on: Married with Children…and Less Sex http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/ Free Marriage Articles, Advice and Tips For Better Communication, Less Fighting and More Intimacy Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: meesh http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-3029 meesh Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-3029 Wow!! I am truly shocked at reading all these responses, truly. You woman ought to be ASHAMED of yourselves. Nothing but SELF CENTERED responses there. Men ARE quite different than woman, and every woman KNOWS this. It is a sad sorry excuse to EXPECT men to be LIKE woman and vise a versa. The DIFFERENCES are what ATTRACT us and are MEANT to be that way. What I suggest woman do, is to find out WHY and HOW we are different and then approach your man in this knowlegde. Stop the huffing and puffing that YOU have to do it all. Please! I am a stay at home wife/mother. I USED to work prior to having children. I implore you woman to really look at your situation outside of your own little worlds. Remembering how very stressful and time consuming a job is, to then come home and do housework or chores, and then ON TOP of this care for the children is very demanding. For those of you who also work as mothers, it is the woman's NATURAL and instinctual drive to care for house and children. This is where the article was in intention, and not meant to BELITTLE anyone. YOur frustrations have caused many of you to appear very self centered in this, and if you care at all to keep your man, and keep him FAITHFUL instead of straying, you ought to take heed here. I have been married for 13 years, and lived with him for 3 years prior, and dated him for 3 years prior to this. Men are different and have different ways of dealing with all sorts of things than woman do. It would do YOU and not only YOU but your relationship that you apparently CARE about, to come outside of your own selves in this, and take the time to LEARN the differences, admitt to them, and do some WORK on your OWN first. If YOU expect there to start being changes, you must first look to SELF first. This I think, is where this article was trying to get at, yet many of you diverted off from the point, to make yourselves out to be victims, because of your frustrations, rather than recognizing it is a DUAL situation. If you are having problems in your marriage enough to have looked to this article, you can BET that your husband TOO has some issues in the same regard. I am in a situation where our marriage has been DEAD since just prior to the birth of our first child, in the intimate part. We are and continue to be best friends, but the intamacy went out the door a very long time ago. My husband has not had a desire for me, for a very long time. Do I understand why? Not really, I can only speculate, as he is very difficult to express his true feelings, as many, if not most men are. It is easy to get angry, but far more difficult to admitt this reality and try to find ways to get around that, or to get to that point, but blaming the other is not going to help at all. If I desire to change this area of our lives for the better, then I am going to have to put forth MORE effort, but if I do this, I know that it will be WELL worth it. After all, I LOVE my husband, so my time and effort and work in this, even if I have to do more, is and should be a WILLINGNESS on my part. Not these self centered- I am the victim sort of responses. Those who have done so, must recognize that the relationship is TWO, and obviously the ONE has come to understand some sort of problem. Communication is key, even if you might be the one doing all the talking, eventually they will come around, if your heart is in it/doing it all for the right reasons, that many here seem to have forgotten - LOVE and passion that comes automatically from that. I know this from my recent experience in this. Now our relationship is starting to bloom again! If he loves you and cares about you, he will do HIS very best, whether he meets your expectations. Appreciate the efforts he DOES do and those things he DOES show. The more you appreciate, the more will be given. The more YOU give, the more HE will too. Just my two cents on all of this. I thought it was a great article, and not at all implying what some of these woman have spun it off to be saying. They have some serious insecurities, and the only thing that is going to help them, is to first look to fix SELF. Wow!! I am truly shocked at reading all these responses, truly. You woman ought to be ASHAMED of yourselves. Nothing but SELF CENTERED responses there. Men ARE quite different than woman, and every woman KNOWS this. It is a sad sorry excuse to EXPECT men to be LIKE woman and vise a versa. The DIFFERENCES are what ATTRACT us and are MEANT to be that way. What I suggest woman do, is to find out WHY and HOW we are different and then approach your man in this knowlegde. Stop the huffing and puffing that YOU have to do it all. Please! I am a stay at home wife/mother. I USED to work prior to having children. I implore you woman to really look at your situation outside of your own little worlds. Remembering how very stressful and time consuming a job is, to then come home and do housework or chores, and then ON TOP of this care for the children is very demanding. For those of you who also work as mothers, it is the woman’s NATURAL and instinctual drive to care for house and children. This is where the article was in intention, and not meant to BELITTLE anyone. YOur frustrations have caused many of you to appear very self centered in this, and if you care at all to keep your man, and keep him FAITHFUL instead of straying, you ought to take heed here.

I have been married for 13 years, and lived with him for 3 years prior, and dated him for 3 years prior to this. Men are different and have different ways of dealing with all sorts of things than woman do. It would do YOU and not only YOU but your relationship that you apparently CARE about, to come outside of your own selves in this, and take the time to LEARN the differences, admitt to them, and do some WORK on your OWN first. If YOU expect there to start being changes, you must first look to SELF first. This I think, is where this article was trying to get at, yet many of you diverted off from the point, to make yourselves out to be victims, because of your frustrations, rather than recognizing it is a DUAL situation. If you are having problems in your marriage enough to have looked to this article, you can BET that your husband TOO has some issues in the same regard.

I am in a situation where our marriage has been DEAD since just prior to the birth of our first child, in the intimate part. We are and continue to be best friends, but the intamacy went out the door a very long time ago. My husband has not had a desire for me, for a very long time. Do I understand why? Not really, I can only speculate, as he is very difficult to express his true feelings, as many, if not most men are. It is easy to get angry, but far more difficult to admitt this reality and try to find ways to get around that, or to get to that point, but blaming the other is not going to help at all. If I desire to change this area of our lives for the better, then I am going to have to put forth MORE effort, but if I do this, I know that it will be WELL worth it. After all, I LOVE my husband, so my time and effort and work in this, even if I have to do more, is and should be a WILLINGNESS on my part. Not these self centered- I am the victim sort of responses. Those who have done so, must recognize that the relationship is TWO, and obviously the ONE has come to understand some sort of problem. Communication is key, even if you might be the one doing all the talking, eventually they will come around, if your heart is in it/doing it all for the right reasons, that many here seem to have forgotten – LOVE and passion that comes automatically from that. I know this from my recent experience in this. Now our relationship is starting to bloom again! If he loves you and cares about you, he will do HIS very best, whether he meets your expectations. Appreciate the efforts he DOES do and those things he DOES show. The more you appreciate, the more will be given. The more YOU give, the more HE will too.

Just my two cents on all of this. I thought it was a great article, and not at all implying what some of these woman have spun it off to be saying. They have some serious insecurities, and the only thing that is going to help them, is to first look to fix SELF.

]]> By: Another Lonely Man http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-2945 Another Lonely Man Tue, 29 Jan 2008 06:15:32 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-2945 I am a good husband and father. My 3 kids, 1, 4 and 7 are wonderful and I love them to pieces. The joy you get from a child when they are being good wipes away any anger that they might have caused when they were bad. Ask any parent. In our marriage, its true that there are more happy times than bad, but I must say that my wife is exhausted, depleted, tired, uninterested etc., when it comes to sex; which cause many arguments that always end up pretty nasty. The kids absolutely drain her. I witness this on a nightly basis. Baby crying, 4 yr old wakes up scared, 7 yr old with major attitude problems. My wife of 10 years, has not slept a full night in 7 years. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Not to mention providing all the attention that they need and crave to grow. I am not sure why some of these posts seem to assume that the husbands do not help out, they are just speaking from their point of view I would imagine. In my household, I do almost everything I can to help, but cook (I can make breakfast only, oh and soup :-) ). We recently got a maid to come clean the house, so that reduced some of the weekly stress however when it comes to the kids, no matter how hard we try, we are tired, her more than I. If we are not spending time with them, we feel guilty. If I do something for myself, I feel guilty. If she is not constantly involved with them, she feels guilty. I am not not quite sure how to address this. I have stressed the importance of what has been written in this article many times in many ways. In fact, reading it it sounded like I wrote it. It seems to fall on deaf ears. People say, "Oh it will get better when the kids get older", but what they fail to realize - we get older too. Menopause sets in, arthritis, aches, pains sickness, deaths, etc. I want to enjoy my marriage now, while I am young, alive, vibrant. I don't want to be divorced after the kids are grown and start over. There has to be a happy medium where man and woman can get along and connect to fill the needs of one another. My wife tells me she loves me and that I'm attractive and all the wonderful things a man loves to hear, but it does not mean a thing when there isn't any action behind those words. Our love, desire, passion and romance has faded into, frustration, anger and resentment along with the occasional quickie. There are no secrets, there is plenty of communication, its all on the table. We get along great in other settings. In the bedroom however for the most part there is an uneasiness an argument or nothing at all. We know where the problems lie. She tells me "She does not know why or how to fix this" - I feel I am doing and have done my part for a while. (I could possibly help out with the kids a bit more in the late nights on the weekends, but other than that I'm lost.) I asked her the other day, "What can I do better, tell me like I have been telling you" - Her only response was to help out with the kids more. Which I have been doing. With a marriage that almost ended twice and each new beginning bringing on a different location and a new child I don't want to give up. I have come too far to give up now, but how much longer can I continue like this? I have heard that men connect with women through sex as women connect with men through communication. I have also heard that foreplay starts 24 hours before the nipple makes its first appearance. Well if the majority of your communication is about or involves your kids within the past 24 hours, you're not having sex. Who clearly is the winner here? She gets her communication, but the man does not get his physical / emotional connection. I need love and attention just like anyone else. If I am constantly going to have to take a backseat then maybe I'll find someone to share that seat with when I'm older. I am reaching out for support, not criticism. Best Luck to all you married couples. Another Lonely Man I am a good husband and father. My 3 kids, 1, 4 and 7 are wonderful and I love them to pieces. The joy you get from a child when they are being good wipes away any anger that they might have caused when they were bad. Ask any parent.

In our marriage, its true that there are more happy times than bad, but I must say that my wife is exhausted, depleted, tired, uninterested etc., when it comes to sex; which cause many arguments that always end up pretty nasty.

The kids absolutely drain her. I witness this on a nightly basis. Baby crying, 4 yr old wakes up scared, 7 yr old with major attitude problems. My wife of 10 years, has not slept a full night in 7 years. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Not to mention providing all the attention that they need and crave to grow.

I am not sure why some of these posts seem to assume that the husbands do not help out, they are just speaking from their point of view I would imagine. In my household, I do almost everything I can to help, but cook (I can make breakfast only, oh and soup :-) ).
We recently got a maid to come clean the house, so that reduced some of the weekly stress however when it comes to the kids, no matter how hard we try, we are tired, her more than I. If we are not spending time with them, we feel guilty. If I do something for myself, I feel guilty. If she is not constantly involved with them, she feels guilty. I am not not quite sure how to address this.

I have stressed the importance of what has been written in this article many times in many ways. In fact, reading it it sounded like I wrote it. It seems to fall on deaf ears. People say, “Oh it will get better when the kids get older”, but what they fail to realize – we get older too. Menopause sets in, arthritis, aches, pains sickness, deaths, etc. I want to enjoy my marriage now, while I am young, alive, vibrant. I don’t want to be divorced after the kids are grown and start over. There has to be a happy medium where man and woman can get along and connect to fill the needs of one another.

My wife tells me she loves me and that I’m attractive and all the wonderful things a man loves to hear, but it does not mean a thing when there isn’t any action behind those words. Our love, desire, passion and romance has faded into, frustration, anger and resentment along with the occasional quickie.

There are no secrets, there is plenty of communication, its all on the table. We get along great in other settings. In the bedroom however for the most part there is an uneasiness an argument or nothing at all. We know where the problems lie. She tells me “She does not know why or how to fix this” – I feel I am doing and have done my part for a while. (I could possibly help out with the kids a bit more in the late nights on the weekends, but other than that I’m lost.) I asked her the other day, “What can I do better, tell me like I have been telling you” – Her only response was to help out with the kids more. Which I have been doing.

With a marriage that almost ended twice and each new beginning bringing on a different location and a new child I don’t want to give up. I have come too far to give up now, but how much longer can I continue like this?

I have heard that men connect with women through sex as women connect with men through communication. I have also heard that foreplay starts 24 hours before the nipple makes its first appearance. Well if the majority of your communication is about or involves your kids within the past 24 hours, you’re not having sex. Who clearly is the winner here? She gets her communication, but the man does not get his physical / emotional connection.

I need love and attention just like anyone else. If I am constantly going to have to take a backseat then maybe I’ll find someone to share that seat with when I’m older.

I am reaching out for support, not criticism.

Best Luck to all you married couples.

Another Lonely Man

]]> By: music http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-2292 music Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:04:25 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-2292 Hello, nice post. Bookmark it. Hello, nice post. Bookmark it.

]]> By: Brian http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-2264 Brian Wed, 12 Sep 2007 04:28:44 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-2264 Twice a week would be great. I have communicated with her that my desire is every day and maybe two or three times on Saturday and Sunday. I would love to know that when we go to bed that we would have sex. After 19 years and 5 kids we are at the same spot we were after our frst month. There are times when it is once a month or less. Twice a week would be great. I have communicated with her that my desire is every day and maybe two or three times on Saturday and Sunday. I would love to know that when we go to bed that we would have sex. After 19 years and 5 kids we are at the same spot we were after our frst month. There are times when it is once a month or less.

]]> By: Dave http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-1331 Dave Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:51:37 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-1331 Where do I find a wife like CHAR? Where do I find a wife like CHAR?

]]> By: Amy http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-564 Amy Mon, 18 Jun 2007 20:23:49 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-564 For my marriage, it's my HUSBAND that's not desiring sex. That needs to be talked about more. It is in "Intimate Issues" by Linda Dillow, and it's talked about a bit more in the past few years, but not nearly enough. The Lord has showed me that in some areas, the wife can feel the similar to those who are married to husbands that want it "all the time." In those cases, a wife feels like he's more interested in her simply been there physically, making her feel used. EITHER WAY, you're NOT feeling appreciated and desired. For my marriage, it’s my HUSBAND that’s not desiring sex. That needs to be talked about more. It is in “Intimate Issues” by Linda Dillow, and it’s talked about a bit more in the past few years, but not nearly enough.

The Lord has showed me that in some areas, the wife can feel the similar to those who are married to husbands that want it “all the time.” In those cases, a wife feels like he’s more interested in her simply been there physically, making her feel used. EITHER WAY, you’re NOT feeling appreciated and desired.

]]> By: Any http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-359 Any Wed, 23 May 2007 16:44:34 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-359 This advice seems strange to me in the For Women section because it is saying women are to tried and drained from giving everything to their children but we should feel sorry for our men and give more to them. Not a real motivator for anything but More guilt for not living up to some psychotic expectation of a women to work, keep house, raise kids, and pleasure their men. I am a work at home mom of two, breastfeeding one, I am literally drained each day. Sex is only emotionally untimely but physically uncomfortable. He goes to work were there are no emotional demands on him. If he just does his job and is nice to the boss he gets praise, awards, raises, and all kids of benefits. Then he comes home and the kids go running to him for hugs and fun. He get fullfilled in a million different ways. My thankless job never ends. Perhaps more the advice on this subject should go to the husband than to the wife. I would just like to hear one person advise the men to cool their jets for short period and see things from the point of view of the mother of the children. Let the physical demands of their babies lighten up before whining about their own. Nature didn't intend for women to have sex 6 weeks after having a baby. That's why we menstrate while we are breastfeed. So quite telling us what is natural for a man and tell to have some selfcontrol and sympathy. This advice seems strange to me in the For Women section because it is saying women are to tried and drained from giving everything to their children but we should feel sorry for our men and give more to them. Not a real motivator for anything but More guilt for not living up to some psychotic expectation of a women to work, keep house, raise kids, and pleasure their men. I am a work at home mom of two, breastfeeding one, I am literally drained each day. Sex is only emotionally untimely but physically uncomfortable. He goes to work were there are no emotional demands on him. If he just does his job and is nice to the boss he gets praise, awards, raises, and all kids of benefits. Then he comes home and the kids go running to him for hugs and fun. He get fullfilled in a million different ways. My thankless job never ends. Perhaps more the advice on this subject should go to the husband than to the wife. I would just like to hear one person advise the men to cool their jets for short period and see things from the point of view of the mother of the children. Let the physical demands of their babies lighten up before whining about their own. Nature didn’t intend for women to have sex 6 weeks after having a baby. That’s why we menstrate while we are breastfeed. So quite telling us what is natural for a man and tell to have some selfcontrol and sympathy.

]]> By: Peniey http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-215 Peniey Wed, 02 May 2007 02:54:33 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-215 In response to Marc: I wish I knew what to tell you, truthfully. I wish I could say that by simply helping with chores did it. Or not only touching when sex is desired. I feel "used" when he only touches me as the lights go out and he wants sex. I have to have the "priming" to get even close to in the mood. When he only touches me at night and is begging for something he hasn't previously displayed an interest in, I am not at all impressed. My husband actually does more "mothering" than I do because of my work hours. So it would actual make sense for him to be too tired for activity, yet he can have gone without sleep for days and worked his butt off at work and home and still "need it". I get anything less than 6 hours of sleep, which happens quit frequently, and I am useless for physcal attraction. I mean, honestly, Tim McGraw could be standing in front of me tell me I could do whatever I want to him, and I would tell him to just sing me to sleep. My husband gets the impression that I do not desire him or sex. Yet my clock is just set to his time. I am usually crazy for sex during the day when I have gotten time to take things slow and no pressures from anyone. Or during the horrid time of the month when it is just "yuck". However, he is ALWAYS ready for sex. So this timing of ours is a hardship in our own marriage. I plan to show him this article - in printed form - with my feelings that were expressed in here and ask him for his to be shown to me. Different color highlighters for each of us. This way, we can have something to refer back to when we forget. In response to Marc:
I wish I knew what to tell you, truthfully. I wish I could say that by simply helping with chores did it. Or not only touching when sex is desired. I feel “used” when he only touches me as the lights go out and he wants sex. I have to have the “priming” to get even close to in the mood. When he only touches me at night and is begging for something he hasn’t previously displayed an interest in, I am not at all impressed. My husband actually does more “mothering” than I do because of my work hours. So it would actual make sense for him to be too tired for activity, yet he can have gone without sleep for days and worked his butt off at work and home and still “need it”. I get anything less than 6 hours of sleep, which happens quit frequently, and I am useless for physcal attraction. I mean, honestly, Tim McGraw could be standing in front of me tell me I could do whatever I want to him, and I would tell him to just sing me to sleep.
My husband gets the impression that I do not desire him or sex. Yet my clock is just set to his time. I am usually crazy for sex during the day when I have gotten time to take things slow and no pressures from anyone. Or during the horrid time of the month when it is just “yuck”. However, he is ALWAYS ready for sex. So this timing of ours is a hardship in our own marriage. I plan to show him this article – in printed form – with my feelings that were expressed in here and ask him for his to be shown to me. Different color highlighters for each of us. This way, we can have something to refer back to when we forget.

]]> By: nichelle http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-205 nichelle Sat, 28 Apr 2007 01:45:27 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-205 I find this information pretty ironic. Ironic because this is what I am going through now. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have three kids. With my daughter, my sex drive went through the roof!!! But with our two boys....it just wasn't there. I constantly got the " you don't find me attractive" speech or the " you're never in the mood" It got really annoying after awhile 'til it actually started up fights. My problem is, when I am in the mood, he would take me for a joke or never come straight home from work. I had my feeling of neglect because I'm home all day dealing with the kids, up all night waiting for him to come home, then just getting the cold shoulder. I just gave up after awhile. For some reason he associates kissing and hugging with sex time only. So I can never get the passionate responses anymore. I tell him how I feel because you know we're suppose to be open....but he gets upset. I don't know what else to do! I'll try these suggestions out and see how they'll do. I just want my husband back...or at least the feelings we had before the kids. I find this information pretty ironic. Ironic because this is what I am going through now. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have three kids. With my daughter, my sex drive went through the roof!!! But with our two boys….it just wasn’t there. I constantly got the ” you don’t find me attractive” speech or the ” you’re never in the mood” It got really annoying after awhile ’til it actually started up fights. My problem is, when I am in the mood, he would take me for a joke or never come straight home from work. I had my feeling of neglect because I’m home all day dealing with the kids, up all night waiting for him to come home, then just getting the cold shoulder. I just gave up after awhile. For some reason he associates kissing and hugging with sex time only. So I can never get the passionate responses anymore. I tell him how I feel because you know we’re suppose to be open….but he gets upset. I don’t know what else to do! I’ll try these suggestions out and see how they’ll do. I just want my husband back…or at least the feelings we had before the kids.

]]> By: temy http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/comment-page-1/#comment-201 temy Thu, 26 Apr 2007 15:04:17 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/marriedwithchildren/#comment-201 From all the contributors it is obvious that one is not alone in this. I got married over nine years ago with two girls and it's been hectic, having to work and raise the children with no extra hands living with a husband that wakes up as early as five in the morning and leave home some few minutes after, having to take care of the children, most days the children don't get to see him as he leaves home too early and comes back soo late. My husband is loving and a lover of sex. It has been difficult for us coping as i am always worked up before his arrival and each time he touches and snuggles i feel like he's disturbing me. But after reading all the responses, i think i now know what to do and i know that our sexual life will pick up again. From all the contributors it is obvious that one is not alone in this. I got married over nine years ago with two girls and it’s been hectic, having to work and raise the children with no extra hands living with a husband that wakes up as early as five in the morning and leave home some few minutes after, having to take care of the children, most days the children don’t get to see him as he leaves home too early and comes back soo late. My husband is loving and a lover of sex. It has been difficult for us coping as i am always worked up before his arrival and each time he touches and snuggles i feel like he’s disturbing me. But after reading all the responses, i think i now know what to do and i know that our sexual life will pick up again.

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