Why Are Men All Business?
Dr. Parrott,
My husband, James, is a hardworking guy, and I really love that about him. But he seems pretty obsessive about his job, and he works long hours. When I ask questions about his work, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to talk about it — which leaves me feeling shut out of this huge part of his life.
Why are men so work-oriented, and why don’t they want to discuss it?
— Madison
Madison,
In most cultures around the world, a man’s worth is measured by his ability to earn money. Men value financial achievement because it is the primary way that family, friends and society determine his level of success.
But work provides more than financial rewards. It provides spiritual, psychological and emotional support as well. Sigmund Freud said that to live well we must learn to love well and to work well. For most men, work is where they cultivate their talents, their leadership, their connection to and impact on the world.
So having a husband like yours, who is passionate about his profession, is in most ways a great blessing. But compelling, consuming work often has some unpleasant side effects on men, and you are experiencing this first hand.
So why are men reluctant to talk about work?
- Many men want to leave work at work. They feel that discussing the day’s events with their wives is like experiencing the workday twice. Instead, men compartmentalize. They walk out the office door and turn it off.
- Some men feel that talking about or complaining about work makes them seem weak or feminine.
- Some men leave the house very early, endure a vicious commute, talk business all day and repeat the long commute home in the evening. This kind of day-in and day-out schedule leaves many men so exhausted and drained that talking actively with their wives is the last thing they can muster.
Why are men so obsessed with work?
If work is where most men receive their validation, experience camaraderie, practice their talents and create the financial raw goods to support their families and lifestyles, it isn’t surprising that work is an attractive, consuming place. It is sometimes a love-hate relationship for men, because they have a demanding boss or an unreasonable schedule. But they understand, sometimes subconsciously, that their happiness is dependent upon working well.
How You Can Help Your Husband Work Well at Home
Change in this area probably won’t happen overnight. While a man might do some things without thinking, his patterns in this area are probably driven by past experience and a desire to lessen the stresses of work. What you want to show him is that talking to you about his work lessens the stress and gives him greater impact at home.
1. Start by mentioning this article.
You can tell him you saw a list of reasons why men don’t talk about work, and see if he agrees with them. Creating this awareness is a great opportunity to let him know that you aren’t asking for a minute-by-minute description of the day. Start by asking him to give you the one most important event of the day.
2. Practice expert listening skills.
When he finally opens up and shares his workday with you, focus on being an empathetic listener. Don’t dig for details or critique his decisions. Just acknowledge his views and be his biggest fan. You want him to finish the conversation with less stress and a greater sense of connection to you.
3. Help him “take off the armor.”
Help your husband see his home life as a place where he can give his office skills a rest and nurture a kinder, gentler side of himself. Many people who have become captivated by work have forgotten how to play. Madison, it may be time for you and James to get serious about having fun. Break your pattern. Go out on a weeknight. Call in sick and stay home together. Help remind him that work is a means to an end, not an end in itself.
Also, transforming a true “workaholic” is not easy. If you find that work continues to rule his time, you may need to resort to more powerful methods. I’ve had great success asking men to write down a list of priorities and the amount of time each week they are investing in those priorities. This exercise usually makes the problem quite clear.
4. Remind him that he’s more than a provider.
Informal conversations with men often reveal a sad fact of modern life: many men feel like a human wallet. They become so obsessed with work because they feel that the most important role they have is “the guy who makes most of the money.” Make a habit of showing your husband that his real value to you has nothing to do with his earning potential. Let him know that you’re more concerned with his health and happiness than with the size of his paycheck — and be the first one to seek change if his job or his commute is having a negative effect on his well-being.
Finally, Madison, the easiest way to get your husband to open up about his work life is to be genuinely interested and supportive of him. Once he feels how good it is to share and get that unconditional love from you, he’ll be hooked.
(7 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Careers, Communication, For Women, Gender Differences
5 Responses to “Why Are Men All Business?”
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I’m a newlywed, and I have to say that my job is just as stressful if not more so than my husband’s. He is not the “guy who makes the money;” we both do. I come home after the same stressful commute, the same emotionally-detached workplace, and have the same desire to move forward in my career. I do not think this article relates to the modern woman. My mother, also, is a career woman (successful, at that) and has been so my whole life. Every woman, in her generation or in mine, that I know has a full time job, and many make as much money as their husbands or more. This is not realistic. How to juggle the two-salary life is more relevant. We also have needs when we walk in the door; we need someone to “take off our armor” too.
In response to Rose,
This is a realistic article for many people. Not all women fit your definition of “modern”. Most of my friends actually don’t work and have husbands who are in school or go to work. I still found this article to be helpful because my husband doesn’t like to talk about school because school is work. He was answering a specific question which likely reflects the needs of a large group of women. Perhaps you should ask your own question.
Thanks for the article! It was helpful.
Very insightful and very true.
Thank you very much!
Men love to talk to women about their work….They like to impress them on some level….It drives me coo-coo sometimes, but I listen patiently and look directly into their eyes the whole time and show great interest as they do their best to impress me with what they’ve accomplished for the day and I reward them with much love and respect.
If he’s not talking to you it might be because he’s not getting the right response he wants.
I’m a newly wed too, am just married for 3 months
my husband talks to me about his work ALL THE TIME! I’m a home maker now. When he comes back at the end of the day, he’ll tell me all about work. I must admit it’s so dry and boring!! but i realized that it’s his way of connecting with me, and wanting me to be part of his life and career. So i listened! 
but got to remain interested though… 