How She Wants to Be Seduced
Every woman wants to feel close to her husband. She wants to feel understood by him. No matter how long you’ve been married, your wife wants and needs this from you. Fulfilling this need is the key to the peace you want when you walk through the front door each day. And it’s also the secret to real fireworks in the bedroom later that night.
The Secret to Intimacy
Think back to the beginning of your relationship. Consider how you got her in the first place. Every gesture was thoughtful. You put time and effort into every interaction with her. You listened and opened up. Remember how the emotional connection fueled the physical chemistry and excitement?
Now fast-forward to the present. Do you still show her that level of attention? Probably not. You’re busy with work, kids, life. We know. It’s different now. We understand.
But we’re not talking about grand gestures here.
• Attention to the smallest details shows your wife you are thinking of her.
• Really listening to her makes her feel cherished.
• By empathizing with her, you make her feel like she is the most important person in your world.
Plain and simple, these are the keys to more and better sex for any married man. The minute the “I do’s” are exchanged, too many men put their feet up and stop really making the emotional effort to romance and engage their wives. They forget that it’s not just about getting the girl. It’s about keeping the girl.
The Secret to Talking to Her
Always remember that, for your wife, emotional intimacy is inextricably intertwined with physical intimacy. One is rarely present without the other. The quality of one is directly proportional to the quality of the other.
So to connect with your wife, lean into her style. Make the effort to open up. Take the time to listen to her. This builds the rapport she needs. Engage her on an emotional level. Your wife consistently needs you to acknowledge her feelings; she needs to know that what she is saying is registering with you. Even if you don’t agree with her, don’t dismiss her feelings or make her feel ashamed or silly about the way she feels. Learn to resist the urge to fix things. Steer away from making suggestions for a solution, when all she wants is to be heard and validated by you.
The Secret to Romancing Her
A recent major study of over 5,000 couples found that women are happiest in their marriages when they get their husbands’ attention. The single most important factor in her happy marriage is her husband’s emotional engagement. What does that mean, exactly? It’s as simple as showing interest in the routines of your wife’s life — the routine, mundane things that men normally don’t talk about. Granted, it’s not most men’s style to do this. But it is a simple way to boost the romance quotient in your marriageÖand even to get her in the mood.
Need further proof? Roughly two out of every three divorces are initiated by women. Sanford Braver, PhD, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University, surveyed hundreds of divorced men and women. The top reason women gave for a divorce was “losing a sense of closeness.”
Every person wants to feel comfortable, safe, validated and connected in marriage. Enhance your physical relationship by addressing any unmet needs with your wife. Show her active love and engagement. Openly share yourself and let her feel close to you. This kind of connecting, taking the time to tune in to each other, builds security and intimacy in a relationship. It’s what keeps a marriage — and a committed sex life — great.
(38 votes, average: 4.18 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Communication, For Men, Gender Differences, Sex and Romance
52 Responses to “How She Wants to Be Seduced”
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Really thought provoking. for the marriage. It’s good information on keeping the relationship going.
Women are much more complicated than that. Women can easily get that emotional connection from other women, but very few women would want to marry another woman. At the same time that they want to feel connected to their man, they also want their man to be strong, capable and resolute. It is very difficult to be the solid foundation my wife needs me to be and also freely share my fears and insecurities. I also don’t think women like it when men bend over backwards to meet their needs. Women want men they can respect, and they don’t respect men who act like women.
AMEN!!!!!This article is right on the money.
Good ideas and very educative will keep on reading future issues
A wonderful article I really enjoyed going thru the sugestions. I did go back to thirty years from today when I first met my wife and went thru some of those vital approaches which i had employed to keep the level of response from my wife very high. As you have rightly said, now my approach is not same.
thanks
I read this tonight and it was like reading my life lately. For 35 years I bragged that I had
the best husband in the world. Nobody had a marriage like mine. Then, he became impotent and I lost everything. He doesn’t kiss me, touch me, hug me, or really talk to me and I miss
it more than I can say. He ALWAYS listened to me before and now it just isn’t there. Somehow I have lost that closeness. He doesn’t really share his thoughts and feelings and I miss it so much.
it is very necessary
A great piece if a reminder of what we men should be doing on top of earning the bread.
u know that is true, me and my wife r in the process of getting a divorce and i wish i had started doin all that a week ago. things would really be different
OK, I read the article. Now, give some concrete examples of how a man can be more emotional/loving in love making and not just physical in sex.
Right on the money, I recently got back from a weekend retreat called Marriage Encounter. Same stuff is hammered into you there and the reaction from the wives is amazing. I will say as a male of the species, talking about feelings and even knowing what mine are take a lot of thought and soul searching. Search and Share with your spouse – its very worth it!
OK, I know we are suppose to be nice here. But really, you either get it or you don’t. If you find yourself challenging the article, you are probably just as well to read a good sports review somewhere else and we’lll all say a prayer for your partners. YOU ARE IN D-E-N-I-A-L.
This article is just the boom. It is ernestly the right prescription for the cure of sleepless night and breakage in marrige. PLEASE GIVE US MORE.
Damn true. This article is so true.
Greg’s comment above is very interesting to me. He asserts that we women are “more complicated than that” and then insists that what we really want is a man we “can respect,” and that we “don’t respect men who act like women.” Frankly, if my husband could show me the same emotional depth, professional competence, and personal strength I have witnessed in many of my female friends – I’d be thrilled! The bottom line is that men seem to find it difficult to multi-task, an ability most women are born with. If my husband would simply connect with me on an emotional basis (not only share his fears and insecurities, but his thoughts, hopes and dreams as my female friends do) my respect and love for him would be immeasurable. That, and he’d get laid a whole lot more!
I find very interesting that it is usually the man that is supposed to change our behavior and become the caring one, the listening one, we are the ones that have to “change our ways”. Rarely does one see what women are supposed to do, to help the relationship improve. It seems that men are usually blamed for the lack of a relationship. Hmmm last time I checked it takes two to tango, what is the woman’s responsibility?
Good article about what women want, as men we don’t get all this emotional stuff very easy. I think sence I am dependable and work to pay for so much along with paying the bills my wife should love me. As I say this I realize this is not very attractive, but is expected.
I went to a promise keepers event once where we were taught to put our work minds behind us and gear up for our home life. Come home seek your wife out hold her by both hands, look her in the eyes, and ask her how her day went and then shut up and listen, really listen and give feedback by asking how did that make you feel, and tell me more how you felt when that happened etc.
I don’t do it but, I know I should. What do you ladies think?
I have to be sincere here………why are us men treated conditionally when it comes to sex with our wives? If we’re not doing “things” right emotionally for her we receive nothing(sex). How come nobody is telling the wives…:Your husband will be more responsive to your requests for help around the house or will be more intimate IF you provide and participate better in sex.
Just wondering (I really do love my wife the right way!)
Regarding Walter’s posting (above)…if 23 years of marriage has taught me anything, it has taught me that my wife wants to be sure I am going to take care of the things I am supposed to take care of in our relationship. She wants to have absolute confidence in my actions. If, for example, I tell her I am going to pay certain bills, say next Tuesday, when Tuesday evening comes, I tell her I have paid them and the receipts are in the correct file. If I tell her I’ll cut the yard – or wash her car – or do anything else, when I have accomplished these things, I tell her the job has been done. This sort of thing, in our marriage, displays trust, show dependability. More importantly, these actions give her the knowledge that I am who she needs me to be. This may sound trivial to you, but in our house these kinds of things are just as important as physical love; in fact, physical closeness – with or without sex – is made better when emotional security is first priority.
I agree with Diane. I read Greg’s comment and was appauled by his response and I really feel sorry for his wife. I thought this article was very good. I would respect my husband so much more if he connected with me like he used to when we dated. We’ve lost that and as a result there are times I wonder why did I even get married if he changed so much. Men seriously read this article and take it to heart and connect with your wives on a deeper level than just the one who brings home the bread. My mom is a Phychiatrist and she said some woman get sick of how men treat them and their lack of interest in them and they end up in a lesbian relationship because they do want someone who gets them. Who treats them just as special as when they were dating. If you don’t want to loose your wife to another man or even a woman then study this article and apply what is said.
Hmph…strangely enough, my wife and I occupy comepletely opposite roles to what youdescribe: I’m the talker and she’s the “male”. I just cant get her to discuis her deep emotional “intimacies”. For me., that’s stifling and I need help to be able to deal with it.
This article is very TRUE!!! What men don’t seem to understand is that we (females) are more verbal than visual, No that does not mean that we want to talk all the time. We just love to be spoken to and listened to, even just small talk is fine. I find it very relaxing and soothing and sexy just to talk to my husband. If I feel that we have made a good connection I just feel so warm inside. There are times when no words are spoken and just a stroke of my hair while passing and a smile. Just sitting together holding hands. It really makes me feel cherished and loved and not just someone around the house to take care of the children and the chores. We don’t need huge gestures, just keep it simple. A hand picked daisy, and hug and a kiss, and a how was your day and really listening to what I have to say; and I’m all yours!!
In response to John Doe and George,
It does take two to tango and women do have responsibilities. Their basic responsiblities are to treat you with love and care and to give you sex. Sex is not always an easy thing for women to give, just as men can have difficulty giving emotional support. In general women are not wired for sex, and they don’t understand why men need it so badly. Sex is emotionally and physically draining for many women. On some days when I have been working hard around the house, dealing with a grouchy kid, and making dinner, sex just turns into another chore (for women sex is not always an escape, it can be work). I’ll I want to do is sleep. I start feeling like everyone just wants me for my body. That makes it very hard to “participate better” in sex. Sometimes hormones get in the way for women also since they always seem to be changing.
Sometimes, to be nice to my husband and understanding of his needs, I have had sex anyway. But obviously I can’t do this all of the time. The give and take has to start somewhere. And eventually you will have to be kind to your wife and help her, so you might as well start doing it now. She will then feel loved and adored and will want to have sex with you more readily. She will know that you love her and not just for her body. All you have to start doing is asking your wife how her day was, and she will just start talking. If she doesn’t just start talking, ask more specific questions. Like, “How were the kids today?” Or, “How did your project at work go?” Then you listen and sympathize. Then do something kind for her, and it can be a little thing. Compliments work great too.
Oh, and there are articles for women about how to help men. Just look for them. There may not be as many, just because men’s needs often seem to be less complicated.
About twenty-five years ago, I went to a seminar with my first wife. It’s name was “Enjoying Marriage”. I’d recommend it to anyone here.
I learned well from the seminar and practiced what it preached. My wife made many excuses for her bad behavior in our marriage and made many promises to fix her problems. Things were never right in the marriage. Eventually, she was diagnosed with a serious mental sickness, “Borderline Personality Disorder”. I stayed in the marriage until our youngest child grew up safely and left home. Then I filed for divorce.
Last year, I married a wonderful woman (met on eHarmony). In this second marriage, I’m finding that the Enjoying Marriage message is VERY true. Men, live for your wife . . . and she can’t help but give back to you all that you need and want from her.
My wife knows, and feels, and thoroughly internalizes the reality the I love her. I do things and behave in a way that reminds her of that. I have never been happier or more fullfilled in my entire life. She sees to that!
Will our marriage become routine? I won’t let it. Our marriage has only improved over the last year.
Okay I read the article and I have to admit there are men out there that need to be a litlle more in touch with there female side . But what if your female counter part is more closed up on this issue then you are what is the solve for that . In a relasionship it is 50 50 you have to give as much as you take . It can not be lop sided . both needs to be intouch with there emotions . My wife has told me that I am the perfect husband , I am always there when she needs me , I always listen when she speaks , and most of the time she never has to ask she already has it . But the problem I have it is not the same with her , and yes I do get tired of it being that way from time to time feeling like a robot with no feelings . Now all the men on here can pretty much agree and ladies if you think about what I am saying you will know what I mean . Men also have feeling like women but we bottle up the pain and the hurt because women always want want want with no give and then when things get bad it’s the mans fault . Women the article has truth in it but from time to time reach over to your man look into his eyes and tell him how you feel and how he makes you happy , show him your gratitude for what he does for you and you will see that that man will open up to you as you open up to him …..
I don’t feel like a man while reading this stuff. I do most of the things mentioned in this article (ask my woman – how was your day, and listen. I bring her a single flower once in a while). I don’t understand why men don’t do this ? I will tell you something else that helps-Take a “Thank You” card or flower to her work. Tell the World how you feel, not just her. I have a wonderfull realationship, with my Female mate, and we have been together for over 9 years. It is not that HARD to aks her how hard her day was. We also put our change in a jar for “Date Night” , sometimes ir’s a cheap date and other times we have a good one. It has helped alot, in the past couple years doing this. IT’S ONLY CHANGE !!! GET OFF IT, IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO BE NICE TO WOMAN.
I totally agree with Chele most of the time if any, women don’t need grandiose gestures but those little gestures like a kiss, a hug or him asking me how my day has been, really mean alot. Don’t get me wrong all other aspects of our relationship are great except the emotional connection and intimacy.We really do share a good relationship in terms of talking about general stuff but when it comes to talking about how we feel he clamps up. There is even one time he even accused me of heading towards being ‘emotionally high maintenance’ just because I wanted reassurance of his love for me.
The best memory I cling to right now of him showing some affection outside the bedroom was when he came to the kitchen one day when I was cleaning up and he put his arms around me and gave me a real hug, looked into my eyes and said ‘I love you’. I practically melted, it warmed inside outside because it was so genuine and he definitely got laid after that! I have been open with him whenever I feel we are losing that connection and he tries to reconnect but it always a roller coaster.
Bottomline is without that emotional connection I can’t seem to respond to him sexually the way he wants me to but I have made it my mission to do my part in my making that connection by also being the initiator and hope he will use that as a cue to respond and connect.
I’ve been burned by this. “Every person wants to feel comfortable, safe, validated and connected in marriage.” is a true statement, but what I share gets thrown back at me in anger when it suites her a an effective weapon… It’s a catch 22, and I can’t find my way clear. The needs of my wife seem endless and ever changing.
I want to say that this is something already going on in our marriage. We met through eHarmony 3 years ago and have been married 2 years on May 7th. It has not always been easy, as communication has broken down a time or two, but the true happiness comes from me willing to admit my wrong and to open up and share my feelings with my wife, and to listen intently to her and be there for her no matter what.
Dear eHarmony publisher and staff writers,
Thanks for timely reminder of your note taking worthwhile goal for a happy marriage relationship message. It remind and refresh me of my responsiblity of a husband.
God bless and more power.
Siem reap Cambodia
The interaction on this subject is quite interesting. I think John Doe and George really need to read the women’s answers here. I can say after 21 years of marriage and a near divorce, I finally got the wakeup call I needed. You sow what you reap brothers. John and George, you are looking at this from a selfish male perspective, and because you are concerned with you, that is what you will get – you (not your wife).
Bottom line, the man has to take the first step and is responsible to lead his household, his wife and his children. This is not to be sexist, but to realize that if you are sitting back and waiting for your wife to show you she cares, you are missing the boat – look what she does all day – I will guarantee you she CARES. I know you are going to say I go to work all day and provide for my family! Big deal, often so does your wife. She also provides for you, your children, her family, her girlfriends and anybody else she cares about. Think about it – a woman being a wife, a mother, a sister, etc – her job NEVER ends. My wife goes to bed at night and wakes up in the morning with her mind spinning on all the things she needs to do for everyone else that day. A woman’s mind is like a bowl of spaghetti (multi-tasking at its finest), intertwined with being the nurturer, the mother (and each child and her husband all have different needs she needs to fill), the wife, etc. I never appreciated my wife for what she did because I was too hung up on my own needs. Men, your life is simple and we are programmed accordingly – one track mind – go to work get your job done – go home and be waited on by your wife! Be the man – love your wife like Christ loved the church. Get your butt off the couch, sit with her, listen to her, and actually respond with meaniful conversation (which for a woman is not solving her “problems” but just being empathetic). If you see that as a sacrifice, believe me, you will be rewarded. If that is not feasable for you, then kiss your marriage, and children goodbye.
Men, it’s all a matter of priorities. If God and your wife are not #1 and #2, you will soon be in the 50% divorced category.
Good article. I not bragging, but I have as much physical intimacy as I want, and I want alot,.. but I also spend alot af time just talking and listening to my wife of 20 plus years. Many times, SEVERAL hours every day will be spent in conversation, and on weekends we, along with the older children (sometimes) will do nothing else but sit around and share about our thoughts, desires, things we’d like to change, etc., for 4 to 5 hour stretches. We have literally lost track of time on our days off (we home school, so my days off coincide with their schooling schedule) and never left the house for 2 1/2 days, the whole time having been spent in constant conversation ( It’s like being on vacation in the mountains without going anywhere). I know we’re odd, I have already been told this on many occasions, we purposely do not complicate our lives with the “normal” things most Americans choose to do (tv., sporting events, running here and there, keeping up with the “Jones”, wearing the latest fashions, and many more things that I can’t think of right now. We have 8 children, and our life is full right here at home, we are not searching anywhere as I see alot of people doing, contentment is found in the home, (in my experience).
Read “The proper care and feeding of husbands” by Laura Schlessenger. The revolutionary idea that women are just as responsible as men in marriage is professed and proved by a VERY experienced female marriage advisor.
Men either want sex or a sandwich, we are not greatly more complicated than that. Managing how your husband interacts with you is not very complicated, just focus.
In fact, Laura says that women, more that men, are responsible for creating the environment they want in marrige by the thought and action they invest in the marriage and their husband.
Compare that to “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” school that most women think is how they should look upon their husband and you’ll see who has a good marriage and who is just keeping score!
I do agree with the article, completely!!! I tried to join the eHarmony marriage a few months ago, and my husband wasn’t going for it. It took me leaving and actually MOVING OUT before he showed me ANY attention. Now he’s doing the I LOVE YOU’s and kissing my BUTT, thinking that it’s all better now. But truthfully, it isn’t. If he would be able to understand me a little bit better, life with him would be alot more easier. Women aren’t that difficult to get along with, all it takes is some affection and attention. And Diane is right, if he just showed me the care and consideration that my best friend, who is female, does, life would be good! Out of every man that I have ever heard talking, even when I was younger, all their gripes were about not getting enough sex from the wives. Well come on guys! All you gotta do is show us some affection, attraction, attention and just be nice when you don’t have too!!! If she looks pretty, let her know it. If you love her, tell her so. If you do all of this, you’d be surprised at what you might get. If my husband would do all of that, I think I would feel as if we were in high school again, and would be swept off of my feet all over again!!!!!!
It certainly DOES take two to tango. Sometimes the problem lies with one or the other, and sometimes both. SOMETIMES, though, both DO get their act together BEFORE the divorce papers are drawn up: The man gives the woman more love, tenderness and attention, and the woman gives the man more respect, sexual attention, and (…honestly, what else do they ever aks for?). Anyways, works for us… and we’re (finally) very happy.
My husband and I are currently separated and a divorce is on the horizon. And I initiated it because I lost that sense of closeness. However, our communication styles were atypical. He was the one that talked about feelings all the time. I was the one that got to the point quickly by editing out details and emotions. I could say in two sentences what it took him 45 minutes to say.
But still, the key thing for you guys to take from this article is this, “…she needs to know that what she is saying is registering with you. Even if you don’t agree with her, don’t dismiss her feelings or make her feel ashamed or silly about the way she feels.” This is HUGE! This could have saved my marriage.
“Every person wants to feel comfortable, safe, validated and connected…”.
Ironically, this article speaks of the opposite situation in my marriage. I am the one who wants the connection while my wife in some ways has “shut it down”. I like to talk; she is not in touch with her feelings. She is masculine in that way and I am well, feminine…IN THAT WAY… ONLY THAT WAY. IT IS WRONG FOR YOU TO THINK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. Uh, I’m gonna go lift weights and drink beer.
thank you fo rthis piece of information. i’ll definetly let my husband read this. i just want him to see that this sort of stuff happens in other people relationships too. the article has some valid info. but like the previous replys…it does take two. one can’t do it if the other isn’t trying. there are instances when the roles are reversed. but in this case it fits me perfectly.
Another opposite. Thanks Paul, Glad to know I am not alone. Years ago I use to be closed off to expressing my feelings but worked on it and now for what? It would have been better if I was the old me, life is funny, real funny
I thought your article was right on! ! ! I found this article in my husbands email and forwarded it to myself as it sounded interesting. I only hope my husband will take the time to read all of it and all of the responses. Our marriage has really gotten off track, however, we are working at trying to make it better. In our marriage I am the one that is more sexual, although we haven’t had sex for years due to finding out we were both infertile (pretty much killed our desire because we really did want children so-o-o-o bad). However, ever since I turned 55 my sexual desire has returned with a vengence. I don’t try to push my husband into satisfying me, but I do let him know I am interested. We have finally began having a Date Night after I found out he was joining some of the dating sites. Thank goodness as far as I know, he hasn’t experimented with anyone else. I had been after him to set aside a Date Night for several years. Anyway, I think the article and responses would certainly help us, providing he will read it.
I read your article and the replies, and I see many situations that are familiar. My wife and I are now going to marriage counselling because we are not connecting. I have tried talking, telling her I love her, putting my arms around her and not just for sex. I love having sex as much as the next man. I think that this is not about having sex or having my wife waiting on me. I cook, clean, and work, and so does my wife. We don’t have any kids and still there is no excitement in our life. No laughing, no playing, just serious talks about our problems. In response to some of the replies that say men need to just get it, what do you do when you do get it and you still get nothing in return. Yes, I do feel like I am trying to be somebody that I am not, just to make her happy. So what if you can connect well with a girlfriend, you don’t live with that person. I am pretty sure that in the beginning that most of us connected well, and did all the right things starting out. You can’t compare you relationship with a best friend, because one you are not have sex with each other and two you are not living together. You just what to have a relationship as friends do with fringe benefits. I think that is the bottom line. You have to be true to yourself about what you what in a relationship. I don’t depend on my wife to make me happy, because I am happy because I make me happy. I just want to share that happiness with someone, that one somebody.
After 20 years of marriage and lots of ups and downs….This article comes a little late for myself and my x. Unfortunately for me I believed in destiney and fate and love at first sight. I miss the good times and the bad ones as well. As I look back on the past 20 years I guess my wife chose to go the other way instead of letting me know things were not making her happy. The more unhappy she got the more I tried to bury the pain of it being my fault at least partially. It is hard to believe there is a God of any kind that would make us so different yet make me so driven to please the one person in my life that meant the world to me. The person that could have asked me to do just about anything for her and with out hesitation would have done it. All but the one thing I was not capible of doing on my own. She would know what that was. Now I look back and things seem to be so clear to me at a point in my life that it seems far beyond and too late for repair. So here is my prayer for her…I pray for your happiness and health, I pray for our children that someday I will be able to see them again without judging eyes. I pray for wealth and your life ahead that it is all that you dream it could and should be. I miss you and the children and hope that your new life takes you far beyaond the boundries of any happiness that you have in your heart….
About what Mark shared with us previously…………………right on Mark. If more men would understand what your message was I have no doubt the divorce rate would decline. Thank you and thanks to the author of this original piece.
I’ve been burned for being too sensitive to girlfriends in the past, always giving and being too accomodating to “their needs”. Now I’m married and I have a hard time giving my wife all those emotional needs. Perhaps I’ve lost some of my sensitivity? And yes, there are way too many articles about us men trying to meet women’s needs all the damn time, trying to understand them. I’m so sick of it already. We need to turn the tables somehow and teach women that if their man works hard, is fatihful, and for the most part is generally kind to his wife (not perfect of course) then how about them learning to respect, appreciate, and cater to the man! After all, I thought this was a man’s world???
I found this very helpful.
A WOMEN IN MY 30s….I want it alllllllll the time & its soo true. Its not taboo….YES HUBBY LAND PUT YOUR TONGUES IN MOUTH!! I want it more more more more….I REALLY FEEL CRAZE. ITS LIKE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE MAN LEVEL DESIRES. I NEED IT EVERYDAY. MY HUBAND CANT KEEP UP:)
Men, check the “for women” articles. You will find them telling us how we need to change, “lean into his style,” do the side by side action, sports oriented stuff, provide more sex, and not ask you to talk too much — accept, appreciate, and cater to the man — and in the comments section, you’ll find lots of the women saying (often angrily) “how come it’s always the women who are expected to accommodate the man? How come he’s never asked to change??”
If you’re doing extra for her, and she for you — let’s meet in the middle.
BTW, I thought this article was very vague. There are better ones, even on this site.
I hear what all the woman are saying and I try to listen and find out about how my wife is feeling and feels about what is going on. The problem I have is that after following these suggestions my wife may feel better but she doesn’t respond like a lot of the woman who have written here. Lynsey “If you do all of this, you’d be surprised at what you might get” Well you bet I’m surprised because I don’t get alot in return. I know that may sound cold or you may think all I care about is getting laid, but if you ask any guy who isn’t getting that intimate connection, it hurts when it doesn’t come back to you in some way. I’m not looking for this connection all the time, just a reasonable sense of warmth and love back to me. This is my second marriage and I had the same problem in my first marriage. Maybe I am just marrying the wrong kind of women. I’ll keep trying and share how I feel too, but it does take 2 to have a connected marriage.
Great article. I have to say, however, that I’ve been using these techniques for several years. I must be missing the secret ingredient because I live in a constant state of “missed expectation.” In other words, my wife remains unmoved by my sincere efforts to romance and cherish her as I believe any woman wants to be treated.
I believe this is what many women say they want, and to some degree they do. I am a male who has taken great pride in often telling my wife of many years that I love her (and I do!), and showing the level of commitment over the years with flowers or romantic cards at random times through the year, long love letters, hugs, holding hands when we go out, going on walks together so we can talk together, a willingness to listen to her issues, almost never losing my cool with her no matter what her behaviour, a great desire to be with her rather than with mates playing golf, enjoying watching a romantic movie (and others) with her and then talking about it later with her. but what do I get in return? Nothing like the things women say they will deliver if this happened? Instead we get silence, no reply to our letters, no comment on the flowers except “thanks”, and long periods with no intimacy or returned love. This is not the first time either. Previously I was in a long term relationship that had similar overtones – except that one ended when she said that she didnt have enough love to go around, and had to give it all to the children. So if we act loving kind and committed we are accused of being “needy”, “soft-hearted”, not tough enough, too thin skinned. And when we act like the male role we are taught, we are callous, unloving, not-demonstrative, un-communicative, careless, too focused on work, unromantic and worse.
Ladies – be careful of what you wish for – it just may come true – and then the question I have is “How would you really react then” (not how you would imagine you would react, but how you would really seriously actually react). The answer unfortunately is not the magic panacea we would hope for. Until I find a better solution however, I will just continue to keep loving my wife with a deep and abiding passionate intensity and forgive her all her foibles, as long as I can sense somewhere deep inside her that she loves me just a tiny bit (and that my friends is sometimes very hard to sense!) Remember: Life is a journey not a destination, so enjoy the ride, and dont wait till the end to enjoy it.
Good luck to all.
What a comedy of comments! But that’s the joy of being human, we are all unique. Which is why every relationship is unique, and why each partner needs to contribute to the connectedness, because without connection you dont have a relationship. People do not stay the same, everyday their life experiences and thoughts add to them in some way, so everyday couples need to connect if they are going to continue to know & understand each other and stay in a ‘relationship’. There is no right or wrong in what everyone has said here, but if you are upset with this article, and think your perspective is ‘right’, ask yourself, is what think and do, working for you in a relationship? If it’s not, then obviously you might have to change what you’re doing instead of holding onto a pig headed attitude about what someone else should be doing. This article is obviously starting with the premise (assumption) that you are with the right person (by that I mean someone who will work with you & is not totally selfish). If you’re not with the right person, and you’re partner is just selfish no matter what you do, then obviously this article is not going to help you! On the other hand, maybe you need to take a long hard look at yourself, and ask your partner if you are really doing the helpful things you think you are doing…things that they need & can respond to. Some of you need to do some soul searching to really know what needs to change. I’ve tried to keep my comments neutral to this point, but now I will say from a female point of view, there is a lot of value in this article. I am one of those females that does really want and enjoy sex, but there is no way I am going to enjoy it with a man who has the attitude that sex is his right no matter what the quality of our relationship (or lack of it) is. No matter how much she wants sex, how can a woman respond to that??? I am married to a very wise man who uses the right key in the lock to get the door open…he never has to try to force or demand to get what he wants ( He’s a man who sounds a lot like Mark). I also make sure that all my husband invests in me is returned to him, but I can tell you the give and take BEST starts with him giving. Mostly men need to be initiators so women can be responders. An example for those who needed something more ‘concrete’, is if my husband connects with me emotionally I then naturally want to respond to him sexually. In fact if the emotional connection is there I often initiate sexually. There are obviously some very thoughtful men who have contributed in these comments, but then there are some who need to wake up to themselves. That’s great that you work hard & all the rest, but when I last checked I thought this article was specifically on how to have a RESPONSIVE woman in the bedroom. If you dont want to listen, then be prepared to have an UNRESPONSIVE woman! Men and women both have multiple roles, just because you have a job doesnt make you or her a lover! This article is trying to teach men how to be lovers. Women are not machines that can just turn their sexual response on & off at your whim, and shame on you for expecting her to behave that way just so you can have what you want. Of course there needs to be give and take, but I agree that in general men are the initiators of connection in a marriage. A woman will not be sexually responsive if she feels her husband is not interested in her on all levels, end of story. People in general can sense what another person’s motives are, how much more will you’re wife know if you are not caring for her out of love. If you are attempting to connect emotionally with your wife, and not getting anywhere, maybe you both need to seek counselling to get to the core of deeper issues. I really appreciated Meridy’s response, what a woman. And the same with Mark, thank you for standing up and stating the often unpopular truth. My experience is that it is only when you find God’s perspective (which is, by the way, LOVE) that the rest of the tangle in our lives can sort out. I pray you all find love, peace and joy.