Comments on: How She Wants to Be Seduced http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/ Free Marriage Articles, Advice and Tips For Better Communication, Less Fighting and More Intimacy Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Katrina http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-2/#comment-2622 Katrina Wed, 03 Oct 2007 04:36:38 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-2622 What a comedy of comments! But that's the joy of being human, we are all unique. Which is why every relationship is unique, and why each partner needs to contribute to the connectedness, because without connection you dont have a relationship. People do not stay the same, everyday their life experiences and thoughts add to them in some way, so everyday couples need to connect if they are going to continue to know & understand each other and stay in a 'relationship'. There is no right or wrong in what everyone has said here, but if you are upset with this article, and think your perspective is 'right', ask yourself, is what think and do, working for you in a relationship? If it's not, then obviously you might have to change what you're doing instead of holding onto a pig headed attitude about what someone else should be doing. This article is obviously starting with the premise (assumption) that you are with the right person (by that I mean someone who will work with you & is not totally selfish). If you're not with the right person, and you're partner is just selfish no matter what you do, then obviously this article is not going to help you! On the other hand, maybe you need to take a long hard look at yourself, and ask your partner if you are really doing the helpful things you think you are doing...things that they need & can respond to. Some of you need to do some soul searching to really know what needs to change. I've tried to keep my comments neutral to this point, but now I will say from a female point of view, there is a lot of value in this article. I am one of those females that does really want and enjoy sex, but there is no way I am going to enjoy it with a man who has the attitude that sex is his right no matter what the quality of our relationship (or lack of it) is. No matter how much she wants sex, how can a woman respond to that??? I am married to a very wise man who uses the right key in the lock to get the door open...he never has to try to force or demand to get what he wants ( He's a man who sounds a lot like Mark). I also make sure that all my husband invests in me is returned to him, but I can tell you the give and take BEST starts with him giving. Mostly men need to be initiators so women can be responders. An example for those who needed something more 'concrete', is if my husband connects with me emotionally I then naturally want to respond to him sexually. In fact if the emotional connection is there I often initiate sexually. There are obviously some very thoughtful men who have contributed in these comments, but then there are some who need to wake up to themselves. That's great that you work hard & all the rest, but when I last checked I thought this article was specifically on how to have a RESPONSIVE woman in the bedroom. If you dont want to listen, then be prepared to have an UNRESPONSIVE woman! Men and women both have multiple roles, just because you have a job doesnt make you or her a lover! This article is trying to teach men how to be lovers. Women are not machines that can just turn their sexual response on & off at your whim, and shame on you for expecting her to behave that way just so you can have what you want. Of course there needs to be give and take, but I agree that in general men are the initiators of connection in a marriage. A woman will not be sexually responsive if she feels her husband is not interested in her on all levels, end of story. People in general can sense what another person's motives are, how much more will you're wife know if you are not caring for her out of love. If you are attempting to connect emotionally with your wife, and not getting anywhere, maybe you both need to seek counselling to get to the core of deeper issues. I really appreciated Meridy's response, what a woman. And the same with Mark, thank you for standing up and stating the often unpopular truth. My experience is that it is only when you find God's perspective (which is, by the way, LOVE) that the rest of the tangle in our lives can sort out. I pray you all find love, peace and joy. What a comedy of comments! But that’s the joy of being human, we are all unique. Which is why every relationship is unique, and why each partner needs to contribute to the connectedness, because without connection you dont have a relationship. People do not stay the same, everyday their life experiences and thoughts add to them in some way, so everyday couples need to connect if they are going to continue to know & understand each other and stay in a ‘relationship’. There is no right or wrong in what everyone has said here, but if you are upset with this article, and think your perspective is ‘right’, ask yourself, is what think and do, working for you in a relationship? If it’s not, then obviously you might have to change what you’re doing instead of holding onto a pig headed attitude about what someone else should be doing. This article is obviously starting with the premise (assumption) that you are with the right person (by that I mean someone who will work with you & is not totally selfish). If you’re not with the right person, and you’re partner is just selfish no matter what you do, then obviously this article is not going to help you! On the other hand, maybe you need to take a long hard look at yourself, and ask your partner if you are really doing the helpful things you think you are doing…things that they need & can respond to. Some of you need to do some soul searching to really know what needs to change. I’ve tried to keep my comments neutral to this point, but now I will say from a female point of view, there is a lot of value in this article. I am one of those females that does really want and enjoy sex, but there is no way I am going to enjoy it with a man who has the attitude that sex is his right no matter what the quality of our relationship (or lack of it) is. No matter how much she wants sex, how can a woman respond to that??? I am married to a very wise man who uses the right key in the lock to get the door open…he never has to try to force or demand to get what he wants ( He’s a man who sounds a lot like Mark). I also make sure that all my husband invests in me is returned to him, but I can tell you the give and take BEST starts with him giving. Mostly men need to be initiators so women can be responders. An example for those who needed something more ‘concrete’, is if my husband connects with me emotionally I then naturally want to respond to him sexually. In fact if the emotional connection is there I often initiate sexually. There are obviously some very thoughtful men who have contributed in these comments, but then there are some who need to wake up to themselves. That’s great that you work hard & all the rest, but when I last checked I thought this article was specifically on how to have a RESPONSIVE woman in the bedroom. If you dont want to listen, then be prepared to have an UNRESPONSIVE woman! Men and women both have multiple roles, just because you have a job doesnt make you or her a lover! This article is trying to teach men how to be lovers. Women are not machines that can just turn their sexual response on & off at your whim, and shame on you for expecting her to behave that way just so you can have what you want. Of course there needs to be give and take, but I agree that in general men are the initiators of connection in a marriage. A woman will not be sexually responsive if she feels her husband is not interested in her on all levels, end of story. People in general can sense what another person’s motives are, how much more will you’re wife know if you are not caring for her out of love. If you are attempting to connect emotionally with your wife, and not getting anywhere, maybe you both need to seek counselling to get to the core of deeper issues. I really appreciated Meridy’s response, what a woman. And the same with Mark, thank you for standing up and stating the often unpopular truth. My experience is that it is only when you find God’s perspective (which is, by the way, LOVE) that the rest of the tangle in our lives can sort out. I pray you all find love, peace and joy.

]]> By: David http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-2/#comment-1131 David Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:42:35 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-1131 I believe this is what many women say they want, and to some degree they do. I am a male who has taken great pride in often telling my wife of many years that I love her (and I do!), and showing the level of commitment over the years with flowers or romantic cards at random times through the year, long love letters, hugs, holding hands when we go out, going on walks together so we can talk together, a willingness to listen to her issues, almost never losing my cool with her no matter what her behaviour, a great desire to be with her rather than with mates playing golf, enjoying watching a romantic movie (and others) with her and then talking about it later with her. but what do I get in return? Nothing like the things women say they will deliver if this happened? Instead we get silence, no reply to our letters, no comment on the flowers except "thanks", and long periods with no intimacy or returned love. This is not the first time either. Previously I was in a long term relationship that had similar overtones - except that one ended when she said that she didnt have enough love to go around, and had to give it all to the children. So if we act loving kind and committed we are accused of being "needy", "soft-hearted", not tough enough, too thin skinned. And when we act like the male role we are taught, we are callous, unloving, not-demonstrative, un-communicative, careless, too focused on work, unromantic and worse. Ladies - be careful of what you wish for - it just may come true - and then the question I have is "How would you really react then" (not how you would imagine you would react, but how you would really seriously actually react). The answer unfortunately is not the magic panacea we would hope for. Until I find a better solution however, I will just continue to keep loving my wife with a deep and abiding passionate intensity and forgive her all her foibles, as long as I can sense somewhere deep inside her that she loves me just a tiny bit (and that my friends is sometimes very hard to sense!) Remember: Life is a journey not a destination, so enjoy the ride, and dont wait till the end to enjoy it. Good luck to all. I believe this is what many women say they want, and to some degree they do. I am a male who has taken great pride in often telling my wife of many years that I love her (and I do!), and showing the level of commitment over the years with flowers or romantic cards at random times through the year, long love letters, hugs, holding hands when we go out, going on walks together so we can talk together, a willingness to listen to her issues, almost never losing my cool with her no matter what her behaviour, a great desire to be with her rather than with mates playing golf, enjoying watching a romantic movie (and others) with her and then talking about it later with her. but what do I get in return? Nothing like the things women say they will deliver if this happened? Instead we get silence, no reply to our letters, no comment on the flowers except “thanks”, and long periods with no intimacy or returned love. This is not the first time either. Previously I was in a long term relationship that had similar overtones – except that one ended when she said that she didnt have enough love to go around, and had to give it all to the children. So if we act loving kind and committed we are accused of being “needy”, “soft-hearted”, not tough enough, too thin skinned. And when we act like the male role we are taught, we are callous, unloving, not-demonstrative, un-communicative, careless, too focused on work, unromantic and worse.

Ladies – be careful of what you wish for – it just may come true – and then the question I have is “How would you really react then” (not how you would imagine you would react, but how you would really seriously actually react). The answer unfortunately is not the magic panacea we would hope for. Until I find a better solution however, I will just continue to keep loving my wife with a deep and abiding passionate intensity and forgive her all her foibles, as long as I can sense somewhere deep inside her that she loves me just a tiny bit (and that my friends is sometimes very hard to sense!) Remember: Life is a journey not a destination, so enjoy the ride, and dont wait till the end to enjoy it.
Good luck to all.

]]> By: Mike http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-926 Mike Thu, 19 Jul 2007 23:39:13 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-926 Great article. I have to say, however, that I've been using these techniques for several years. I must be missing the secret ingredient because I live in a constant state of "missed expectation." In other words, my wife remains unmoved by my sincere efforts to romance and cherish her as I believe any woman wants to be treated. Great article. I have to say, however, that I’ve been using these techniques for several years. I must be missing the secret ingredient because I live in a constant state of “missed expectation.” In other words, my wife remains unmoved by my sincere efforts to romance and cherish her as I believe any woman wants to be treated.

]]> By: Edger http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-923 Edger Thu, 19 Jul 2007 14:17:31 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-923 I hear what all the woman are saying and I try to listen and find out about how my wife is feeling and feels about what is going on. The problem I have is that after following these suggestions my wife may feel better but she doesn't respond like a lot of the woman who have written here. Lynsey "If you do all of this, you’d be surprised at what you might get" Well you bet I'm surprised because I don't get alot in return. I know that may sound cold or you may think all I care about is getting laid, but if you ask any guy who isn't getting that intimate connection, it hurts when it doesn't come back to you in some way. I'm not looking for this connection all the time, just a reasonable sense of warmth and love back to me. This is my second marriage and I had the same problem in my first marriage. Maybe I am just marrying the wrong kind of women. I'll keep trying and share how I feel too, but it does take 2 to have a connected marriage. I hear what all the woman are saying and I try to listen and find out about how my wife is feeling and feels about what is going on. The problem I have is that after following these suggestions my wife may feel better but she doesn’t respond like a lot of the woman who have written here. Lynsey “If you do all of this, you’d be surprised at what you might get” Well you bet I’m surprised because I don’t get alot in return. I know that may sound cold or you may think all I care about is getting laid, but if you ask any guy who isn’t getting that intimate connection, it hurts when it doesn’t come back to you in some way. I’m not looking for this connection all the time, just a reasonable sense of warmth and love back to me. This is my second marriage and I had the same problem in my first marriage. Maybe I am just marrying the wrong kind of women. I’ll keep trying and share how I feel too, but it does take 2 to have a connected marriage.

]]> By: Debbie http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-751 Debbie Fri, 06 Jul 2007 14:14:57 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-751 Men, check the "for women" articles. You will find them telling us how we need to change, "lean into his style," do the side by side action, sports oriented stuff, provide more sex, and not ask you to talk too much --- accept, appreciate, and cater to the man --- and in the comments section, you'll find lots of the women saying (often angrily) "how come it's always the women who are expected to accommodate the man? How come he's never asked to change??" If you're doing extra for her, and she for you -- let's meet in the middle. :-) BTW, I thought this article was very vague. There are better ones, even on this site. Men, check the “for women” articles. You will find them telling us how we need to change, “lean into his style,” do the side by side action, sports oriented stuff, provide more sex, and not ask you to talk too much — accept, appreciate, and cater to the man — and in the comments section, you’ll find lots of the women saying (often angrily) “how come it’s always the women who are expected to accommodate the man? How come he’s never asked to change??”

If you’re doing extra for her, and she for you — let’s meet in the middle. :-)

BTW, I thought this article was very vague. There are better ones, even on this site.

]]> By: L http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-712 L Fri, 22 Jun 2007 21:07:54 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-712 A WOMEN IN MY 30s....I want it alllllllll the time & its soo true. Its not taboo....YES HUBBY LAND PUT YOUR TONGUES IN MOUTH!! I want it more more more more....I REALLY FEEL CRAZE. ITS LIKE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE MAN LEVEL DESIRES. I NEED IT EVERYDAY. MY HUBAND CANT KEEP UP:) A WOMEN IN MY 30s….I want it alllllllll the time & its soo true. Its not taboo….YES HUBBY LAND PUT YOUR TONGUES IN MOUTH!! I want it more more more more….I REALLY FEEL CRAZE. ITS LIKE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE MAN LEVEL DESIRES. I NEED IT EVERYDAY. MY HUBAND CANT KEEP UP:)

]]> By: Jake http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-551 Jake Fri, 15 Jun 2007 20:57:16 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-551 I found this very helpful. I found this very helpful.

]]> By: Rick http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-354 Rick Sun, 20 May 2007 07:47:04 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-354 I've been burned for being too sensitive to girlfriends in the past, always giving and being too accomodating to "their needs". Now I'm married and I have a hard time giving my wife all those emotional needs. Perhaps I've lost some of my sensitivity? And yes, there are way too many articles about us men trying to meet women's needs all the damn time, trying to understand them. I'm so sick of it already. We need to turn the tables somehow and teach women that if their man works hard, is fatihful, and for the most part is generally kind to his wife (not perfect of course) then how about them learning to respect, appreciate, and cater to the man! After all, I thought this was a man's world??? I’ve been burned for being too sensitive to girlfriends in the past, always giving and being too accomodating to “their needs”. Now I’m married and I have a hard time giving my wife all those emotional needs. Perhaps I’ve lost some of my sensitivity? And yes, there are way too many articles about us men trying to meet women’s needs all the damn time, trying to understand them. I’m so sick of it already. We need to turn the tables somehow and teach women that if their man works hard, is fatihful, and for the most part is generally kind to his wife (not perfect of course) then how about them learning to respect, appreciate, and cater to the man! After all, I thought this was a man’s world???

]]> By: Patrick http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-311 Patrick Tue, 08 May 2007 00:22:58 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-311 About what Mark shared with us previously.....................right on Mark. If more men would understand what your message was I have no doubt the divorce rate would decline. Thank you and thanks to the author of this original piece. About what Mark shared with us previously…………………right on Mark. If more men would understand what your message was I have no doubt the divorce rate would decline. Thank you and thanks to the author of this original piece.

]]> By: Jayden http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/comment-page-1/#comment-218 Jayden Fri, 04 May 2007 17:51:43 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/04/slwseduced/#comment-218 After 20 years of marriage and lots of ups and downs....This article comes a little late for myself and my x. Unfortunately for me I believed in destiney and fate and love at first sight. I miss the good times and the bad ones as well. As I look back on the past 20 years I guess my wife chose to go the other way instead of letting me know things were not making her happy. The more unhappy she got the more I tried to bury the pain of it being my fault at least partially. It is hard to believe there is a God of any kind that would make us so different yet make me so driven to please the one person in my life that meant the world to me. The person that could have asked me to do just about anything for her and with out hesitation would have done it. All but the one thing I was not capible of doing on my own. She would know what that was. Now I look back and things seem to be so clear to me at a point in my life that it seems far beyond and too late for repair. So here is my prayer for her...I pray for your happiness and health, I pray for our children that someday I will be able to see them again without judging eyes. I pray for wealth and your life ahead that it is all that you dream it could and should be. I miss you and the children and hope that your new life takes you far beyaond the boundries of any happiness that you have in your heart.... After 20 years of marriage and lots of ups and downs….This article comes a little late for myself and my x. Unfortunately for me I believed in destiney and fate and love at first sight. I miss the good times and the bad ones as well. As I look back on the past 20 years I guess my wife chose to go the other way instead of letting me know things were not making her happy. The more unhappy she got the more I tried to bury the pain of it being my fault at least partially. It is hard to believe there is a God of any kind that would make us so different yet make me so driven to please the one person in my life that meant the world to me. The person that could have asked me to do just about anything for her and with out hesitation would have done it. All but the one thing I was not capible of doing on my own. She would know what that was. Now I look back and things seem to be so clear to me at a point in my life that it seems far beyond and too late for repair. So here is my prayer for her…I pray for your happiness and health, I pray for our children that someday I will be able to see them again without judging eyes. I pray for wealth and your life ahead that it is all that you dream it could and should be. I miss you and the children and hope that your new life takes you far beyaond the boundries of any happiness that you have in your heart….

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