How to deal with husbands that are…well…less than perfect
Dr. Parrott,
I’ve been reading The Married Life for a couple of months and appreciate the suggestions. But I especially enjoy the reader comments. It seems that rotten husbands are EVERYWHERE. Here are just a few of the comments that I’ve seen:
“My husband doesn’t help around the house.”
“He never listens to me.”
“Greg is like another child that I have to take care of!”
“My husband is a complete workaholic.”
“All he does is watch TV, ask for sexÖand his feet stink!”
So, I wanted to write in and ask if you could give us some general rules for dealing with husbands.
Thanks,
Kim
Kim,
I hear you! Since launching our newsletter, we have been bombarded with comments about less-than-stellar examples of manhood. We have heard a litany of things he does or doesn’t do that drive you over the edge. We know that you feel you have to do the majority of the work to even keep the marriage afloat. We understand the more you give, the more he’ll take.
#1. There is no perfect marriage.
Don’t let your perky friend from work or a competitive next-door neighbor fool you. Don’t be seduced by thoughts that the grass could be greener with someone else. Every marriage deals with its own very specific host of challenges. Yes, your pet peeves, frustrations, and pain may look different from the next couple’s. They may be more serious at a given moment. But as long as there are two complex individuals in a long-term relationship, the imperfections will always be there.
We see it over and over again. The people who have left marriages to chase someone they believed to be better, more loving, more fill-in-the-blank than their spouse usually end up with bigger problems than the ones they left behind — the top problem being that the same tough issues surface again. That’s because those people took their own imperfect selves with them, and from that there is no escape.
As an intelligent, realistic woman in 2007, you have to accept this simple fact: no person is perfect, including you. We are human. This means, by definition, we have faults. We make mistakes. It also means we have an extraordinary ability to adapt, strategize, and evolve.
#2. You’re not a victim.
A real personal and marital transformation can begin when you accept this fact. You’ve likely heard the saying, “The only person you have any control over is yourself.” Start shifting the focus from him to you. Almost immediately, you’ll start to feel the momentum shift in your marriage. It’s time to stop the blame/shame cycle, to stop giving your power away. Choose instead to take all that energy you are putting into being critical and use it to be proactive.
This starts with speaking up. Own your voice. Stop using it to criticize him. Instead, use your voice to express your needs. Don’t get caught up in the all-too-common female trap of, “If he loved me, he should know what I need.” Assume he doesn’t. Ask him for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner. It is not enough to know what you don’t want. You need to explicitly lay out what it is you need from your husband that you’re not getting.
The timing and setting of this conversation are critical. Sit down with your husband when both of you have the time and energy to discuss the state of your union rationally. All too often, the only time couples discuss tough issues is in the throes of a heated debate. This is a recipe for disaster. Make a concerted effort to lead with “I” statements (”I need for you to look me in the eye when we talk” instead of “You never look me in the eye.”) Subtle changes in how you approach conversations can reduce defensiveness and criticism. And they can help you really get heard.
Make your mutual goals clear and action-oriented. For example, rather than saying you agree to “help more around the house,” set some specific examples: you will take out the garbage on Monday night, do the dishes three times a week, vacuum every Saturday afternoon. Make sure to listen to your husband’s “side.” Keep in mind that this is not a win-lose conversation. You don’t want to “win.” You want your marriage to win. So concentrate on working as a team to create the best solution for the future of your life together.
#3. He is not hopeless.
Our culture loves to portray men as under-evolved, sex-crazed, sports-loving children. And yes, in many cases, today’s woman is light years ahead of her man when it comes to dealing with the emotional and interpersonal realm of life. So it can be very easy, even understandable, for wives to become frustrated. But remember, you did marry this man. In moments of frustration, you should have faith in your initial instincts. You should actively cling to the redeeming qualities in the man you married — for better or worse.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, says, “Individuals need to change from a critical habit of mind, in which you’re very involved with your partner’s mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right.” Focusing on the negative never yields the outcome you want — to have your husband choose to be engaged, loving, present, or whatever he isn’t.
You may argue, “But I’ve tried positive reinforcement. I’ve tried loving him. And listening to him. I’ve tried everything. He just won’t change.” Don’t give up! I haven’t met the spouse who has tried everything. Your best chance of reconnecting with the man you once viewed as Mr. Right can begin with these three keys:
1. Understand the differences in your early training and role models. Don’t merely recognize this fact and forget about it in the heat of an argument. That means you need to live and breathe this understanding. You need to keep this perspective at all times. You need to consider that your husband may never have been encouraged to have, let alone understand, emotions, needs, vulnerability. Prior to marrying you, he was probably rewarded only for behaviors calling for self-restraint, discipline, and competition.
2. We can become so consumed with deficits that we neglect strengths completely. This can be a deadly mistake in a marriage. We want to challenge you to put your energies into affirming what you both do well so you will see a quantum leap in both your self-respect and your partner’s respect for you.
We urge you to each make a list of about half a dozen things you appreciate about your partner. It is essential that you be as specific as possible and focus on character traits. Then set aside time to share this list as a couple. It may sound awkward, but it can be extremely powerful. And change needs to begin somewhere.
3. Begin in small ways to open the door to patience, consideration, and, above all, humor.
Be patient but persistent. Don’t quit, even though you’ve carried so much hurt in the past. Be the change you want to see in your marriage. Be understanding. Be loving. Be considerate. If you apply the proper kind of pressure and model the right kind of behavior, he should come around. It may take time. But Rome — and a strong marriage — wasn’t built in a day.
Final Thoughts
The internal dialogue taking place in your head determines the closeness or distance you feel with your partner. When your positive statements dwarf the negative, you allow room for healing. When you choose to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, you are prioritizing your marriage, your couplehood. We know you have good reasons for feeling fed up and ready to give up. You feel hurt. You’ve withstood things you didn’t deserve.
Whatever your story, we do want to help you transcend it. We understand taking some of this advice to heart and practicing it in your daily life can be tough. But I promise that once you make the choice to take action, you will find an entirely new outlook on life and love.
(12 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, For Women, Gender Differences
22 Responses to “How to deal with husbands that are…well…less than perfect”
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I met my husband on eharmony and we married 2.5 years ago. I knew from my parents example that marriage and the 2 people involved in it are not perfect. There are ups and downs and positives and negatives. To me the positives outway the negatives. Yes my husband does little things that bug me and I am sure it is reversed. In marriage you need to see past those little things and remember why you married your spouse. I often take time to sit and meditate on the wonderful things about my husband, especially if I am having one of those days where he seems to be driving me crazy. I find it helps to refocus on the positives and the wonderful things my husband has bought into my life.
This was a great article. I’ve learned that many times it’s been me in the way. If I back up a little than I give my husband room to breathe as well as help. We can’t do it all alone. This is a partnership and we work best together. One thing that I’ve seen in our sometimes man hating crazed side of society is that it’s half of our fault. Not everyone, but I think our society tends to be have a sizeable amount of women who like to overpower and bombard great husbands and them blame them for not doing a good job when they’ve encumbering them. It’s not the nicest way to play but it happens. We recently moved and and it took for months of weekends and we just don’t take each other for granted as easily. So, if you havn’t had to be apart for practicel reasons I encourage you to think of our troops and their personal sacrafice and remember it’s seems simple but it really is in the little things. Like giving a hug to one another at the end of the day.
This year will be our 18th year of marriage and we have been through a lot together. The deepest lesson I have learned through all of our ups and downs is that whenever I think *he* needs to “show up,” or *he* needs to do or be anything other than who he is, to turn it around. Look at myself.
We oftentimes make the mistake of putting all of our life needs on our spouse, and that is a tall order to fill for one person. I’ve learned that many of my own resentments centered around believing it was my husband’s job to “take care of me. . .” I have to arrange that for myself. If I want my husband to love, honor and cherish me *I* need to love, honor and cherish me, first — as well as him. Then I notice I don’t *need* him to do all that as much as I thought. And, ironically — he responds anyway, and I receive it anyway. This may perhaps be radical thought for a lot of people. But just try it and notice how your life turns around because you are working on *you* from the inside instead of thinking you need to change the other person to be happy, or thinking you need to change yourself into someone you’re not in order for the other person to be happy so you can be happy — so on, and so forth. This works for all of the relationships in our lives, not just spouses/significant others.
I believe our goal as contemporary women, is to hold on to those qualities that make us unique-our intuition, our comfort with feelings and strong emotions. There is no contradiction between being a loving, giving woman and taking care of yourself and acting in your own best interests. The most wonderful gift that you can give yourself and any man you become involved with is your sense of self-worth and, with it, your expectation of love and good treatment.
PRAY.
I have been married for almost 13 years. During those times when I think “What have I done to myself with this guy?” I then try to imagine putting up with some other guy doing all those same things and suddenly my hubby looks like Prince Charming! The fact is, nobody is perfect. But I cannot imagine being able to touch another man’s hairy back and not be disgusted, yet with my husband it doesn’t bother me. I cannot imagine another guy getting into my bed all sweaty after mowing the lawn and me not recoiling in horror….and yet I snuggle right up to my hubby (though I will say, he has the least B.O. of any man I have ever known) like it’s good. I cannot imagine being able to be intimate with another man in the ways I am with my husband, and it isn’t as if I was inexperienced when I met him. I cannot imagine being able to trust another man the way I do my husband, though again he is special in that area…he is a man of utter integrity and honor. The point is, I chose him. He is a part of me. As much as he may do things that I disagree with and as much as he may have some less-than-savory habits and characteristics, what person doesn’t? What’s important is that I truly love him and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. The next time you think you can’t take your husband’s less-than-perfect features, imagine another man in his place doing the same thing. Your husband will look a lot better to you!
I am totally in agreement with all the responses above.First of all knowing that we are imperfect
beings.One sunday, my pastor asked the congregation whether there was anyone married to an angel and of course all of us kept quiet.His point of Arguement was, there is no perfect person, all of us have weaknesses.And that is why God never gave you that spouse to repell but to attract each other, In essence, unlike poles attract and vice versa.
Sometimes, I try to replay my first days in marriage, and I realise that am on another level all together.I used to think my husband would be able to know what annoys me and what makes me happy without telling him.But the mere fact that he is not an angel that calls for good levels of communication.Let him know what makes you uhappy and happy.And this cuts across the board.Even in bed, he needs to know what excites you.
Like cyndy said, its all about your attitude and perspective. Try to have a positive attitude in all situations.And also keeping quiet and praying about your situation than telling everyone in your Area about your spouse.
1st, let me say, I enjoy reading your newsletter and really get alot out of it. 2nd, let me ask, what do you do when it’s not another person you think about being with instead of your husband. You just want to be alone, because frankly, it has become so, not worth it. This is my 4th marriage (2 divorces and a suicide preceeding this one) and I had my eyes wide open when CHOOSING to spend the rest of my life with this man. Our 1st year and a half was a fairy tale and the last 4 and a half have been a nightmare. Oh, not all at once, because everyone knows it never works like that. It has been a gradual descent into Hell, fraught with all the ups and downs, accusations and repercussions and soul searched realizations that accompany the journey. I understand, acknowledge and am more than willing to admit my shortcomings as a wife, partner and spiritual soulmate. I also know the steps I have taken to be less enabling, to empower myself, to speak up regarding my needs, to admit when I am wrong, moody, out of sorts, emotionally unavailable and in general, a bitch. I also know I am strong, loyal, kind, compassionate, passionate, smart, funny, forgiving, beautiful inside and out and humble (really, I am). I am (because of past shortcomings in relationships) totally commited to our marriage but am feeling more and more that I am the only one in the relationship who feels this way, sometimes feeling like I am the relationship. Now my heart is torn between the man I married and the man I am with. Same person, different guy. How the hell did that happen? What do I do now and more importantly, do I even have the strength (faith/belief) anymore to try? If anyone has a comeback story, I’d love to hear it. The way I feel now, as much as it hurts to even consider it, maybe I was meant to be alone. Is it better to have your heart shattered all at once or chipped away, a little at a time, until one day you wake up and find it laying there in little pieces, covered with the dust of time and indifference?
Sorry this is so depressing. For me especially. I never leave comments. Desperation is a funny thing.
Unfortunately, changes like this do not always end with a rosy happily ever after. After over 20 years of marriage, I decided to take myself back, have some self-respect and backbone. I talked to him about it, with kindness and respect, on my part at least; we started couples counseling. After 2 appts., both of which revolved around everything being my fault, he refused to go. We signed our divorce papers on our 22nd anniversary.
And when you are specific, direct and focused on what you need, and nothing happens, what then? I agree with everything in this article except it is still focused on what women have to do. When does the man have to do something? I can’t even get him to participate in a decision on whether to sell our home or refinance our mortgage to get us out of the $20k debt we ensnared in since he lost his job over two years ago. He’s not looking and we have nearly exhausted our savings. But when I do all the research, lay out he options and ask for which he’d like to do, I get no response. Yes, I love him. Heck no, I’m definitely not perfect. But I’m trying which is more than what he’s doing!
With you all the way Pat…I feel lost and just come for allthe life swirling around . Although I know nothing will help, thanks guys.
To Pat:
I know nothing more about your situation than what you’ve shared in your comment. But from what you say, it sounds like you’re taking on all the responsibility of doing something, and then asking your husband to just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – and that’s not really doing anything at all, is it.
My husband and I are trapped in a relationship dynamic where he ‘overfunctions’ (takes on way too much of the ‘doing-something’ in the relationship, to the point where I feel like the only thing I’m ‘allowed’ to do is say yes or no, and even then he has already made up his mind what he thinks I should say anyway), and I ‘underfunction’ (just sit there and let him make all the decisions including what kind of plants I should plant in the garden – if I go out and buy what I want and put it where I want he criticizes and tells me all the reasons why I’ve made poor decisions, and I sit there feeling like there’s no pleasing this man with anything I do so I may just sit back and let him do everything, at least that way it’s done the way he wants it).
Anyway – this comment turned into me venting about my own marriage. Wow. Didn’t know I was quite this resentful about it.
In our case, verbalizing needs may not be the best thing to do. When he tells me stuff, it feels like nagging and when I tell him stuff he starts justifying himself and his behaviors back at me. I’m a lucky woman, really, who works and cooks and cleans and does the laundry and works in the garden while I can sit on the couch and watch tv or sit in my chair on the internet. Why should I change? When I try, nothing I do is good enough, and it’s a lot more comfortable and easy to just sit here.
And yes – I feel like half a human being. *sighs* Stupid marriage.
I don’t see how a wife can improve the marriage if she doesn’t have a shred of desire left for her husband.
Sound advice from Dr. Parrott… stuff I strive to do myself when I am down about the state of my marriage–and it works, for the most part. My chief problem is not that my husband is hopeless–indeed, he has some stellar qualities, the best of which is he is a very caring, committed father to our kids… no, my problem is he’s just not into me anymore. We are good partners, and function well to keep things going in this family. But he doesn’t make any kind of effort to spend time with me or plan anything for my benefit… used to really hurt me, since I did a lot of that for his benefit. But nowadays, I’ve sort of stopped caring about it. I certainly don’t look for it anymore, and even make my own plans to “treat” myself on my birthday or other special occasions. I enjoy myself, but it still isn’t as nice as having someone else–especially my husband–’trouble himself’ a little bit to do something nice for me…
So, Dr. Parrott, I get that no marriage is perfect… I embrace and empower myself to NOT be a victim by expressing my needs… and my husband is NOT AT ALL hopeless, but possesses some wonderful qualities–why, then, am I not happy in this thing? My answer? He just doesn’t love me in a way that compels him to trouble himself, but he needs me to make the family function, and we are both mature enough to just grin-and-bear it until we won’t have to anymore… sublimation ain’t just an abstract Freudian concept, but a very real, semi-effective coping mechanism…
There is something that I remember from some marriage & family research I once read. Most couples who were terribly unhappy, but did not give up on their marriage found themselves much happier 5 years later. Five years is a long time to hang in, but it can have profound effects on your lives, your children’s, and your community.
Having said that, I know that there are women who will read this article and feel blame, guilt, and anguish. I would like to speak to those women because I lived there for 18 years once.
Some times you need to say enough.
Some times you need to look your husband squarely in the eye and say, This is not what I need from you. This (and specify) is what I expect from you in a mutually committed relationship. I will no longer ( name your enabling activity)… I love you and I am committed to you as a person, but I won’t put up with this any longer. (And you better have taken stock of yourself–that you are willing to live with the results!)
Women who take care of themselves are happier, stronger, more balanced individuals. Have you stopped taking care of yourself amongst all your relationships? It is something to think about.
This is to those who may be in a position like me who put up with immoral practices and immaturity, thinking it was the loving thing to do. I stopped and found great peace. So can you.
Is five years to long to waite? when I got married it was til death do us part. a person will only treat you as bad as you let them!
I’ve been married 25 yrs. and am 47 years old. In the last three years, I’ve decided to take care of myself – lost 30 lbs., got in great shape, quit smoking. This is basically how I was when we got married. The problem is, my husband is quite overweight and will not even try to lose weight, go for walks with me, try to quit smoking. He is content sitting down the basement, smoking and watching tv. I love the outdoors, and I can’t get him interested. We use to do things, fish, play softball, golf.
I’m at my wits end. I don’t want to live my life like this, but he says this is how he relaxes. I’m very sad and lonely.
Any suggestions.
OK, while I know my husband isn’t perfect, I have to say he has some awesome qualities. He may not always understand my need to rant about things that bother me, but he has never bought a “men’s” magazine, and I never worry that he would cheat. He is completely faithful, and when he is interested in sex, it’s with me, and THAT is not a problem! As for sports, he could care less; one of his most endearing traits. He has a very real sense of duty, is a loving father, and can carry on real, intelligent conversation. The man can even do dishes and cook (and does both!). He’s honest to a fault, and really cares about other people as well. He is stubborn, but that’s a requirement for me, as I am also stubborn. We have been married almost 15 years, and there have been problems, but we get through them. If you make the effort to understand your husband, over time, you can learn how. Ask yourself, “What would I do if he wasn’t here?” A lot of us have to deal with that, with husbands deployed for over a year. Start with love, and you can’t go wrong.
I have seen a lot of women complain about their husbands. My recipe for a fantastic marriage of honeymoon quality forever (20 years so far for me)….
Every woman must thing that they are blessed above all women with Mr. Right. Treat him like the King of the house in every way and he will treat you like the queen. Learn about his personality type so that you can be what he needs to “complete” each other. Find out what diet he should eat to be healthy and live longer and feed that to him. (I want my husband to live with me as long as I live but he only committed to as long as we both shall live. All I can do to keep him healthier will be a blessing for me keeping him longer.) I cannot spend the time here to give ideas for every situation but you get the idea. Be to your husband what he needs… not what YOU want because you are different from him. He has different needs and wants. A husband needs more reverance than he deserves. He needs to feel like the king of his domain. This is the recipe for my romance with Mr. Right!
I have been married just over a year but the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with is not the same man I said “I Do” to. I met my hsuband four years ago. I have gotten to a point whre I no longer cry and now simply capable of walking out that door despite our financial commitments and knowing if I do leave, I stand to loose my house that I had gotten before I even met my husband but because of the various renovations we did to the property with money we boorwed fromt he bank.
My husband has called me every single name in the book. If he gets no response from me then the criticisms are levied against my two sons( his stepsons).
He does not hit me but he has certainy taken it all out on household itmes besides the bullish behaviour he is always a smart ass and Mr. Right. I do not know brings out the rage and the loud talking but he is a retired soldier what ahs eben to wars and suffers form PTSD yet eh refsue to get help. he also loves the bottle which doe snot help.
Because of the negative behaiour he has had towards me I cna honestly say i no longer in love with him and yes refsue to walk away and then not knowing where I will egt the extra income to pay mortgage etc.
It is my second marriage.
Anywya any advice?
hi! i have been married for over 7 years now. When I got married, i had no previous experience with any man. My husband was my first. after only 4 days , we felt that we were in love and told our parents(who were both friends) that we wanted to get married. After marriaage, we lived with his parents for three years. His mom constantly gaveme comments, which i never told my husband becuase i didn’t want him to get caught up in the middle. I never daus anything to his parents wither. Just kept listening, and hoping we will have our own home one day. I gave my all, all the love I had , i gave to him and his parents. I treated them as if they were myown.
Now all these years later, two kids later, i am miserable. I now realize that when i got married, i should have given myself imortance, but i never did, so my husband gives me no importance. He always takes me for granted, always expcects me to do everything, whether it is for the kids or his parents, or the house, or him. He leaves at 7am and comes home at 9 or 10pm. He eats and watches tv and goes to sleep. I have sat down with him and told him exactly what i need from him, what makes me happy. I have even asked him to let me know if there is something that I am not doing in this marriage, but he doesn’t listen. I want a quality marriage where we share the same long term vision for our relationship. But he just doesn’t care, he is ok if i don’t talk tohim for weeks. It drives me crazy. I am just so frustrated wiith this marriage, and being neglected, i don’t feel important.
Why do women always have to put up with things, and why do we always have to change ourselves for our husbands or partners?? Why do men get away with so much??? I just don’t understand how women can be so undermined and always get taken for granted. Afterall, it is us women who give birth and creat life. Sure, men donate their sperm, but we give ourselves to the baby and give life. All these men who take all these women for granted, were also created and given birth to by WOMEN. Women are so important, along with men, so why do men get away with everything and women get treated like this.
When a marriage happens, everywhere i see the woman has to do most of the comprome. WHY?
Dr. Parrot:
Married 25 yrs. He was my mentor. I bought his “that complaint is your imagination” thing, and futher developed my already- in-place poor attitude. I grew up. He did not. Can’t ever solve his $ problems without better judgment. You can’t teach that, and he doesn’t trust my word (after all, I may be PMSing, or having an MS moment, a senoir moment, or hallucinating).
I am handicapped (Multiple Sclerosis), but am still ambulatory, educated, earning disability, and clean up pretty good. No, kids. But to start over now? I myself have not completely dealt with this issue (my father), but certainly don’t need another one. We both have issues.
I still love this man, or I wouldn’t have so many tears. I feel that he loves me, but wants to take the easy way out. I feel that he is a good person.
How do I forgive myself for allowing him to take advantage of me for so many years? I take full responsability for my part in this skewed relationship. I always knew something was wrong. Too late to fix things now?
How do I forgive him for not growing further, with me by his side? I don’t think there is anyone else, it’s too much trouble. It’s easier for him to stay stuck…
Invested 25 years, truly miserable,
but want to grow with the same man,
Is it too late?
Darcy