Comments on: How to deal with husbands that are…well…less than perfect

By: darcy

darcy — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:36:37 +0000

Dr. Parrot:

Married 25 yrs. He was my mentor. I bought his “that complaint is your imagination” thing, and futher developed my already- in-place poor attitude. I grew up. He did not. Can’t ever solve his $ problems without better judgment. You can’t teach that, and he doesn’t trust my word (after all, I may be PMSing, or having an MS moment, a senoir moment, or hallucinating).

I am handicapped (Multiple Sclerosis), but am still ambulatory, educated, earning disability, and clean up pretty good. No, kids. But to start over now? I myself have not completely dealt with this issue (my father), but certainly don’t need another one. We both have issues.
I still love this man, or I wouldn’t have so many tears. I feel that he loves me, but wants to take the easy way out. I feel that he is a good person.

How do I forgive myself for allowing him to take advantage of me for so many years? I take full responsability for my part in this skewed relationship. I always knew something was wrong. Too late to fix things now?

How do I forgive him for not growing further, with me by his side? I don’t think there is anyone else, it’s too much trouble. It’s easier for him to stay stuck…

Invested 25 years, truly miserable,
but want to grow with the same man,
Is it too late?

Darcy

By: Ella

Ella — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 19:51:38 +0000

hi! i have been married for over 7 years now. When I got married, i had no previous experience with any man. My husband was my first. after only 4 days , we felt that we were in love and told our parents(who were both friends) that we wanted to get married. After marriaage, we lived with his parents for three years. His mom constantly gaveme comments, which i never told my husband becuase i didn’t want him to get caught up in the middle. I never daus anything to his parents wither. Just kept listening, and hoping we will have our own home one day. I gave my all, all the love I had , i gave to him and his parents. I treated them as if they were myown.

Now all these years later, two kids later, i am miserable. I now realize that when i got married, i should have given myself imortance, but i never did, so my husband gives me no importance. He always takes me for granted, always expcects me to do everything, whether it is for the kids or his parents, or the house, or him. He leaves at 7am and comes home at 9 or 10pm. He eats and watches tv and goes to sleep. I have sat down with him and told him exactly what i need from him, what makes me happy. I have even asked him to let me know if there is something that I am not doing in this marriage, but he doesn’t listen. I want a quality marriage where we share the same long term vision for our relationship. But he just doesn’t care, he is ok if i don’t talk tohim for weeks. It drives me crazy. I am just so frustrated wiith this marriage, and being neglected, i don’t feel important.

Why do women always have to put up with things, and why do we always have to change ourselves for our husbands or partners?? Why do men get away with so much??? I just don’t understand how women can be so undermined and always get taken for granted. Afterall, it is us women who give birth and creat life. Sure, men donate their sperm, but we give ourselves to the baby and give life. All these men who take all these women for granted, were also created and given birth to by WOMEN. Women are so important, along with men, so why do men get away with everything and women get treated like this.

When a marriage happens, everywhere i see the woman has to do most of the comprome. WHY?

By: bridget

bridget — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 06:06:29 +0000

I have been married just over a year but the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with is not the same man I said “I Do” to. I met my hsuband four years ago. I have gotten to a point whre I no longer cry and now simply capable of walking out that door despite our financial commitments and knowing if I do leave, I stand to loose my house that I had gotten before I even met my husband but because of the various renovations we did to the property with money we boorwed fromt he bank.

My husband has called me every single name in the book. If he gets no response from me then the criticisms are levied against my two sons( his stepsons).

He does not hit me but he has certainy taken it all out on household itmes besides the bullish behaviour he is always a smart ass and Mr. Right. I do not know brings out the rage and the loud talking but he is a retired soldier what ahs eben to wars and suffers form PTSD yet eh refsue to get help. he also loves the bottle which doe snot help.

Because of the negative behaiour he has had towards me I cna honestly say i no longer in love with him and yes refsue to walk away and then not knowing where I will egt the extra income to pay mortgage etc.

It is my second marriage.

Anywya any advice?

By: sarah

sarah — Wed, 30 May 2007 22:35:14 +0000

I have seen a lot of women complain about their husbands. My recipe for a fantastic marriage of honeymoon quality forever (20 years so far for me)….

Every woman must thing that they are blessed above all women with Mr. Right. Treat him like the King of the house in every way and he will treat you like the queen. Learn about his personality type so that you can be what he needs to “complete” each other. Find out what diet he should eat to be healthy and live longer and feed that to him. (I want my husband to live with me as long as I live but he only committed to as long as we both shall live. All I can do to keep him healthier will be a blessing for me keeping him longer.) I cannot spend the time here to give ideas for every situation but you get the idea. Be to your husband what he needs… not what YOU want because you are different from him. He has different needs and wants. A husband needs more reverance than he deserves. He needs to feel like the king of his domain. This is the recipe for my romance with Mr. Right!

By: Debbie

Debbie — Wed, 30 May 2007 10:41:00 +0000

OK, while I know my husband isn’t perfect, I have to say he has some awesome qualities. He may not always understand my need to rant about things that bother me, but he has never bought a “men’s” magazine, and I never worry that he would cheat. He is completely faithful, and when he is interested in sex, it’s with me, and THAT is not a problem! As for sports, he could care less; one of his most endearing traits. He has a very real sense of duty, is a loving father, and can carry on real, intelligent conversation. The man can even do dishes and cook (and does both!). He’s honest to a fault, and really cares about other people as well. He is stubborn, but that’s a requirement for me, as I am also stubborn. We have been married almost 15 years, and there have been problems, but we get through them. If you make the effort to understand your husband, over time, you can learn how. Ask yourself, “What would I do if he wasn’t here?” A lot of us have to deal with that, with husbands deployed for over a year. Start with love, and you can’t go wrong.

By: Patty

Patty — Tue, 29 May 2007 16:42:35 +0000

I’ve been married 25 yrs. and am 47 years old. In the last three years, I’ve decided to take care of myself – lost 30 lbs., got in great shape, quit smoking. This is basically how I was when we got married. The problem is, my husband is quite overweight and will not even try to lose weight, go for walks with me, try to quit smoking. He is content sitting down the basement, smoking and watching tv. I love the outdoors, and I can’t get him interested. We use to do things, fish, play softball, golf.

I’m at my wits end. I don’t want to live my life like this, but he says this is how he relaxes. I’m very sad and lonely.

Any suggestions.

By: mia

mia — Sat, 26 May 2007 23:04:40 +0000

Is five years to long to waite? when I got married it was til death do us part. a person will only treat you as bad as you let them!

By: Starla

Starla — Fri, 25 May 2007 20:27:42 +0000

There is something that I remember from some marriage & family research I once read. Most couples who were terribly unhappy, but did not give up on their marriage found themselves much happier 5 years later. Five years is a long time to hang in, but it can have profound effects on your lives, your children’s, and your community.
Having said that, I know that there are women who will read this article and feel blame, guilt, and anguish. I would like to speak to those women because I lived there for 18 years once.
Some times you need to say enough.
Some times you need to look your husband squarely in the eye and say, This is not what I need from you. This (and specify) is what I expect from you in a mutually committed relationship. I will no longer ( name your enabling activity)… I love you and I am committed to you as a person, but I won’t put up with this any longer. (And you better have taken stock of yourself–that you are willing to live with the results!)
Women who take care of themselves are happier, stronger, more balanced individuals. Have you stopped taking care of yourself amongst all your relationships? It is something to think about.
This is to those who may be in a position like me who put up with immoral practices and immaturity, thinking it was the loving thing to do. I stopped and found great peace. So can you.

By: Ginnie

Ginnie — Fri, 25 May 2007 04:37:24 +0000

Sound advice from Dr. Parrott… stuff I strive to do myself when I am down about the state of my marriage–and it works, for the most part. My chief problem is not that my husband is hopeless–indeed, he has some stellar qualities, the best of which is he is a very caring, committed father to our kids… no, my problem is he’s just not into me anymore. We are good partners, and function well to keep things going in this family. But he doesn’t make any kind of effort to spend time with me or plan anything for my benefit… used to really hurt me, since I did a lot of that for his benefit. But nowadays, I’ve sort of stopped caring about it. I certainly don’t look for it anymore, and even make my own plans to “treat” myself on my birthday or other special occasions. I enjoy myself, but it still isn’t as nice as having someone else–especially my husband–’trouble himself’ a little bit to do something nice for me…

So, Dr. Parrott, I get that no marriage is perfect… I embrace and empower myself to NOT be a victim by expressing my needs… and my husband is NOT AT ALL hopeless, but possesses some wonderful qualities–why, then, am I not happy in this thing? My answer? He just doesn’t love me in a way that compels him to trouble himself, but he needs me to make the family function, and we are both mature enough to just grin-and-bear it until we won’t have to anymore… sublimation ain’t just an abstract Freudian concept, but a very real, semi-effective coping mechanism…

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 24 May 2007 20:30:07 +0000

I don’t see how a wife can improve the marriage if she doesn’t have a shred of desire left for her husband.