Ask the Doctor: Dreaming and Your Marriage

Dr. Parrott,

I’ve spent some time reading about the eHarmony Marriage program and there is an entire section devoted to dreaming about my marriage. Two points — first, I have no idea what dreaming about my marriage would be. Second, the last thing I want is “dreaming.” I need change and some strategies for enjoying life with my wife.

Nathanial

Nathanial,

I appreciate the direct nature of your questions, and frankly, I can understand your frustration. In our culture the term “dreamer” is often used as a negative description for a person who does nothing but wish for a different set of circumstances to magically appear. Rather, most of us admire people who take action and strike out to make change happen rather than simply dream about it.

However, the dreaming I’m asking you and your wife to do has nothing in common with sitting idly by and hoping things will get better. Instead it is actually the first step in a series of action-oriented moves that you will make to create the change you need in your relationship.

The truth is that you and your wife are probably already pretty good dreamers. You have probably had a dream for your children since they were born. If you’re like most people you have a dream for your career, and I’m willing to bet you have a dream for your retirement years together.

For our purposes dreaming is nothing more than spending time thinking and talking about how you want your life to be down the road. This seems to occur pretty naturally when it comes to careers, children and retirement, but when we bring the focus around to your marriage, couples get confused. I’m sure you’ve never been asked to think about how you want your relationship to be 10 or 15 years from now. It involves considering questions such as:

Do you want to spend more time together?

Do you want to integrate more outside friendships?

Do you want to create some new interests you can share?

Do you want to have a vigorous sexual relationship?

Would you like to share your deepest self with your partner more freely?

Would you like to give each other more space and reduce the trite bickering?

Could you increase the appreciation and understanding, and reduce the nagging?

Over the years that Leslie and I have worked with couples, we rarely see things just “happen.” Usually in life, we sow what we reap, even if we reap unconsciously. Dreaming about your marriage is a way of being conscious about your relationship and how you want it to be, so you can start moving in that direction. If you’re building a home, you start with a blueprint. It’s just a piece of paper and a collection of ideas, but it determines how the home is built and how well it stands up to the test of time. Dreaming acts like a blueprint for your marriage.

So Nathanial, I’ve answered your second question first. Now, here’s an example of a technique to help you start dreaming about your marriage. It’s based on an exercise in Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Imagine for a moment that you are completely invisible. Your spouse is having an intimate dinner with 5 or 6 of her closest friends, and you’ve tiptoed into the room and taken a seat along the wall. The conversation at the dinner turns to spouses and for the next 5 minutes she talks about you with complete honesty, discussing the state of your marriage and how she feels about it and you.

What are 10 things you would want her to say about you?

Maybe your list includes things like:

We feel really close and connected most of the time.

He makes me feel like I’m the most important person in his world.

Our sex life has managed to keep growing and getting better.

He works hard to make time for me and the things I love.

Most likely your list will be a very personal set of dreams for how you can make a stronger contribution to a great marriage. Once you’ve created this list you’ll have the talking points for your first “marital dreaming session.” Of course, it’s a dialogue. Your wife will need to do her own thinking about the goals and dreams she has for the future of your relationship and share them with you.

If you’re having trouble getting started, you may want to begin by picturing yourself in 10 years.

How old will you be? How old will your parents and children be? Where
will you be living? What are your professional goals for that time period? What role would you like to have in your community? What would you like to have
accomplished by that point?

Finally, let me say this about dreams. It’s extremely important to set your goals and dreams higher than you can easily reach. Challenge yourself! It is an amazing fact that once a goal is placed within our minds we begin to move in the direction of that goal. It takes time. It takes persistent effort, and sometime the progress is imperceptible. But the act of dreaming a challenging goal always moves you in the direction of success.

Tags: Dreaming, Family, For Men

4 Responses to “Ask the Doctor: Dreaming and Your Marriage”

1. Michele Says:
   

   My husband and I have been married for 10 years this December. I want to continue being married to him, but it is getting hard to cope, we are in financial ruin, we don’t spend time together, we drink too much to mask our issues. It is becoming a real challenge everyday to be happy together. He has a history of a neglected childhood and it really is hurting us. He does not want to spend time with his son, he would rather spend it with his friends. I don’t want to control him, I just want him to be more emotionally connected with me and his children, we have tried to seek guidance through church and christ, but that has fizzled out as well. we need some kind of resource to help us out, our insurance does not pay for counseling, Please help us!!!!!!!!!

2. Marie Says:
   

   To begin with, make up your mind to be happy and take care of yourself first. Next, make changes in your life (i.e. reduce your drinking and spending, spend time with the kids…) You are the only person responsible for your happiness and health. If he isn’t meeting your needs, don’t cheat on him! And reach out for a girlfriend. Draw positive support from friends around you. Say thank you when he does something “right” and be there to laugh with him. Life will still be hard and he will still be the same, but by changing your attitude you will feel much better and be able to make some hard choices about the other aspects of your life.

3. Jeff Says:
   

   Michele

   I am not sure were you live but in Plano , Texas they have a group that puts on a Marraige Bootcamp. I was just Like your Husband until my wife and I attended this program after someone from our church sponsard us. So I have three words of advice 1. Go to This Bootcamp ( If you need a sponser email me jeffsspot@verizon.net) 2. Follow Maries Advice 3. If and when you tell your husband that you forgivr him from somthing he does don’t ever bring it up again no matter how much he makes you mad. Oh one more thing its your job to Love him its Gods Job to Change Him

4. bashirAbdi Says:
   

   This is very helpful and intersting experiance in one’s life
   thanks to the eharmony family and friends

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