5 Easy Tips to Stay Connected
Do you know marriages that have become disconnected? There may be no yelling or throwing of pots and pans, but the closeness, tenderness, and joy have leached out over the years. The individuals just avoid each other. They exchange the necessary information to get the bills paid, the kids off to school, the cars serviced, and the clothes washed. But otherwise, he shuffles off to his job and she shuffles off to hers with barely a word between them.
We’ve put together five tips for staying connected. These are ways you can encourage connection in your relationship. (Don’t forget, our male readers have their own edition of The Married Life in which we give them suggestions. That’s why we don’t give men advice in this women’s edition.)
Disconnection between married people doesn’t happen overnight, and it can’t instantly be fixed. But experience has shown that small steps can have dramatic effects. Some of the suggestions below take as little as 30 seconds and can do wonders for couples who have drifted apart.
In addition, you may say, “I try to stay connected but my husband won’t help me. If he won’t meet me halfway, this is hopeless. Why do I have to do all the work?” This may be true for you. You may have a terrible husband who has no interest in being connected to you. He may grunt and demand his dinner without one care for your well-being.
But if you’ve chosen to make a life with a man like this, you will STILL be better off reaching out with an opportunity to connect than building a wall of resentment and silence. Your children will learn more about love and positive action by watching you take these steps. No matter how many failed attempts you make, leaving the door open to a stronger, more loving connection between you will yield more success than will abandoning all hope.
And many, if not most, husbands would love to be more connected to youÖif they just knew how to do it in a way that felt natural to them. That’s why it is important to SHARE these suggestions with your husband. Print out this list, read it to him, and tell him why you’re doing these things.
60-Second Rule
When you come together after being apart all day, stop what you’re doing and spend 60 seconds looking each other in the eye and talking. That means stop whatever you’re doing — reading the paper, watching television, cooking dinner, playing with your children, etc. This 60-second reconnection exercise works at a subconscious level, creating a sense of warmth and home. The conversation need not be deep, or emotional, or about anything in particular. Just smile at each other and share the events of the dayÖboth talking and listening.
Eat Breakfast Together During the Work Week
Is this easy? Probably not. Is it a guaranteed pathway to greater connection? Absolutely! All meals where you two eat together (and without your children) provide a tremendous opportunity to interact like adults and nurture your relationship. Breakfast during the work week can be a calm oasis in the middle of a hectic whirlwind.
Make a Shopping List and Buy Groceries Together
Couples often divide the chores to cover more ground in less time. This policy is no doubt efficient, but it tends to separate and isolate couples during the daylight hours, leaving the exhausted late-evening hours as the only “couple’s time.” By sitting down and creating a special list together, you make this a new and unusual event. Going to the store and being creative together is a great way to share your time when your energy is high.
Volunteer in the Community
Working side by side in the service of those in need is one of the best ways to feel like a team again. It also puts your problems in a greater perspective. In larger cities, there are organizations that specialize in coordinating volunteers. If you can’t find one in your town, simply call a local church and say, “We want to help.”
Go for a Walk Together
eHarmony Founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his wife of 48 years, Marylyn, swear by an early-evening walk. It gets them away from the TV, elevates their heart rates, and lets them talk in a casual way without being face to face. Twenty minutes and you’ve caught up and become a couple again.
Noted researcher John Gottman has spent the last 20 years studying married couples and the causes of marital discord. He has found that great relationships aren’t maintained by dramatic gestures, lush getaways, or special gifts and actions. Successful couples keep their marriages strong through the everyday activities they share together. They chat while they clean the kitchen. The laugh at each other and at the randomness of life, and each pays attention to what the other is doing and saying. They choose over and over to “turn toward each other,” to use Gottman’s phrase.
Take this simple list and spend the next couple of weeks looking for every opportunity to turn toward your husband. Ask him to read this article, if you like, to help him turn toward you and discover the power of reconnection in your life together.
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23 Responses to “5 Easy Tips to Stay Connected”
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I never thought of any of these. Since we have a long weekend, I have plenty of time to try some of these.
Excellent advice! And they are moments that we typically have already in our weekly schedules, just we don’t necessarily slow down enough or time them to be connection moments! All are excellent opportunities! I am sure I will be trying them in the very near future!
We do most of this already and I will say that they do help us feel connected. Although we have no kids, so it might be a little easier for us.
Cooking together is much more fun than cooking alone. One of us is chopping while the other sautes, one is setting the table while the other is serving, it makes the whole process of cooking faster and friendly!
My husband and I never pass each other without a light touch, whether it’s being in the kitchen together or the bathroom trying to get ready. Just a pass on the back as one walks by. Very small thing but it means a lot.
We also send out of the blue emails just to say how much we appreciate each other. Whether it’s picking up that errand or making supper. It’s nice to know the little things are noticed.
Very helpful advice. If all couples would follow the 5 steps, there would be lesser separation, annulment of marriage and even divorce.
I read the 5 tips to get connected and I did not realized that I was doing it over the past 5 weeks and it really works. My husband has a very high ego and full of false pride but I continued to be humble doing the first move all the time and then I eventually was successful in having him join me say the morning prayer together, eat together, do grocery, cook and wash dishes together and most of all we laugh a lot together for the past 2 weeks. I guess asking God’s help also made it possible to re-connect sooner than I expected. Thanks again.
My husband I always take a bath together in that way we are able to reconnect and the other thing that works for us is we go out for dinner once or twice a month without the kids. We believe in spending quality time together.
My husband is my best friend, I look forward to meeting him and tell him all that transpried at work and he does the same. He gives me special names especially when am down. No dull moment for us at all.
Thes are great tips but with 3 kids.. not always possible. But, We get away at least 2 times a year without the kids.. and try to have date night… at least every other month… The little things…. we always tell each other we love each other before we leave in the morning and emails… with nothing but hey, you still turn me on…. 14 years and still strong…
I find it interesting that some of the positive responses are coming from women who are in marriages with husbands that already are connected. I’m sure that additional tips like these look very promising.
Tip 1 – my husband won’t look me in the eye and he does not talk to me, share about his feelings, etc. The most he will give me is a technical list of his day. I am so broken inside that I cannot imagine being able to force myself and him to “look each other in the eye and share.”
Tip 2 – Eat breakfast together? My husband’s idea of eating together is sitting at the same table. He won’t look at me, won’t talk to me, barely responds to my comments and questions and sharing of my day.
Etc.
Most, if not all, of these tips do not help me because my husband is not a “willing participant.” I’ve tried for so long (18 out of our 21 years together) without positive responses from him that it is no longer better for me to be “reaching out with an opportunity to connect.” There is only so long that a human being can continue to knock at the door, hoping for a response from the other side.
Yes, I chose this man. But he was NOT like this before we married. We are absolutely “spiritually divorced,” as well as emotionally/socially divorced. But apparently I am bound to being physically married… since divorce just isn’t an option, in my husband’s words.
Perfect timing! It confirms what I feel in my heart; that love dies in small increments, therefore it can be revived quickly with small but consistent efforts. Never give up on your love!!
Your suggestions sound good. I thought so when I first heard them many years ago in books such as Light His Fire. I have done them ever since, daily. And I fear they have done me no good whatsoever.
My husband uses the 60 seconds to talk about his work, and hears nothing, or immediately forgets, anything I may try to share. He uses breakfast to tell me what great things he has planned for the day or to tell me what I should be doing with my day; he uses our walks to do the same to plan the following day (so I get to hear these things three times a day to make sure I have them right). Grocery shopping is a careful lesson in how he makes better choices than I do (which apparently are still required after 12 years of weekly shopping together) and our community service time (which we do a Great deal of) is used only as a means to further his business interests. As a result I have a marriage in which the man is very happy and feels he gets loads of attention and support for his only true love, his work, and I am devastatingly lonely and filled with ever growing resentment. Instead of helping me feel connected to my husband these exercises have made it “easy” for him to ignore me completely. I still think they are good ideas, but maybe not for everyone.
We will be married five years on June 15th. My husband will be 78 years old and I just turned 71 in March. I was widowed for 28 years before we met and his wife had passed away just a short time before we met. I have found that even though I had been married nearly eight years before my first husband died (we had two children, four and six years old), I thought I knew all that I needed to in order to have another marital relationship. Was I wrong! I am learning so many new things about communication and how to keep our marriage exciting. So much depended on my own attitude toward him with regard to his expectations of me and how I was to fulfill these expectations. We have discussed these issues and while he is not much of a talker with regard to letting me know what goes on inside him, he is getting much better and we are enjoying each other more. We are both very opposite but I realize because he is so “laid back” that is no reason for me to make so many decisions where he is not involved, because I had been so used to doing it in my single life. I am including him in everything I do and I am enjoying his input, usually with the comment from me: “What did I do all these years without you?”
I will try these tips… plus give one, after a long work week, and chores on Sat. my husband and I out of the blue will sneek away to our local bar. What make it special is that we walk to it,which gives us time together. Once we arrive, we promise to not talk about the kids or our jobs. which makes a couple of hours postive for each other. We have something to eat and drink, chit- chat with other couples. We feel reconnected and at the same time have fun. The idea is its always spir of the moment, a surprize ( not a so call DATE) which makes it fun. Especially with a family like mine, 4 kids ages 17-15, & 7-6. Working full time plus always on the go go go… plus we make a note to never go to bed mad..
I understand Mo’s frustration. It takes both partners and not just one that is going through the motions thinking that physical presence is enough or their complete knowledge of everything covers what both parties are thinking. Most of the time, it is obvious that my husband really doesn’t even know me. He may enjoy the physical body, but I have to doubt that he would know the soul within.
Amazingly, the one person who actually listened to me was an aethetist, married and possibly loved and knew me more than anyone I’ve ever known. Being a Christian, I knew better than to get involved, but I he was one of my best friends and I could talk to him about anything and he actually listened to me. I would give years of my life to have my husband love me that much.
I think these are great ideas. I will try them, at least the 60 second look and talk. I have tried several things in the past. We have tried the 10 second kiss also. I don’t know how often we could go for a walk, lest by ourselves. My husband is a full time fireman (24 hr. shifts) and farms on his day off. We have 2 children, 13 & 10, a mother in law 100 yards away in failing physical health and I have cancer. When the kids are in school, we try our best to take a jacuzzi together several times a week. It is relaxing and we can either talk or just enjoy being snuggled together in the warmth and the moment. I try to get him to himself when the kids are out of school but it is very difficult; mentioning a jacuzzi usually is the ticket. As I have worked out mild depression that is due to the loss of my own health, I have found my husband more appreciative of me. He sees me more happy with myself and having fun (with a new hobby) instead of ‘leaning’ on him. He wants to be around me more also. Several times lately I have heard about seeing the positive in our spouses and that is fine. I know I’m not politically correct in this but my relationship with Jesus comes before my relationship with my husband. It has made a tremendous difference in how I handle life, death and everyday.
We have been ’sort of’ married for 5 and 1/2 years. At least our wedding was that long ago. I don’t feel married. I feel like a slave who never measures up.
My husband is retired and I am not. I have offered to quit but he won’t hear of it. I do try to connect with him whenever I arrive home. It depends how angry he is if I am what he considers “too late”.
He gets breakfast for me every morning!! Isn’t that wonderful?!!!
We were helping with a Gospel Sing at the local nursing home once every three weeks but I have just discontinued that because I am so desperately busy, and my husband did not really want to go. It was “my” thing.
We do go grocery shopping together sometimes, at my urging. His answer? “I don’t care” When I ask him if he enjoyed it, he answers, “Oh, it was all right”. However, when he and his married daughter went shopping together, he said, “My, I enjoyed that! My wife and I used to shop together every week!”
We do play “catch” together sometimes. He absolutely refuses to play table games with me although he spends time every day playing games on his computer.
I need to go for a walk every day, and when I ask him to go, he might, walking quite slowly… “Oh YOU go ahead” or brr, It’s too cold. or, You know I can’t stand the sun
Nothing that I do or think interests him. His most frequent responses to me are… Pardon? What did you say? I don’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t care. What time did you say you had to leave? (just trying to get away as soon as possible, aren’t you, even when you don’t really have to go that soon.) Do you know how late you are coming home? Don’t you dare boss me around, asking me to come and look at the sunset, or help with the dishes, or carry a heavy chair. Or humph or sigh or (most likely) sneer.
He is clean, good-looking, always arrives early (which I ADORE), and a very hard worker. He eats everything I prepare even if he never compliments me on the food. A couple of times since we’ve been married, he has said, “You can prepare that again”. He is a Christian, even if he doesn’t act like it at home, and we do go to church together, which is a big thing.
We have great sex, even if he does use it as a bargaining “tool”.
So I try to focus on the good things. He tries hard not to sigh or groan when I ask him to mute the TV during a commercial so I can ask or tell him something.
I try not to let him ’steal my joy’ but I guess I have to work much harder than I am doing.
God bless all of you.
The 60-second Rule is cool. I’d tell my husband we should try it
. We might end up giggling at first but sure it’s nice to try new things to strengthen our relationship. I can see this rule ‘evolving’ into something really good…
I especially like the one about doing volunteer work together. We both have our individual projects that we work on and we just completed a fundraiser for Cystic Fibrosis because our granddaughter has the disease. However, I’ve been on the lookout lately for something that my husband and I can do together to help better our local community.
I can also vouch that stopping for 60 seconds when you get home in the evening is a good idea. A few months ago I realized that both of us were staying glued to the t.v. or the computer and never even turned to look at the other one when they arrived back home. I was horrified so we made a pact that we would at least do that, and even better, share a welcome home kiss!
I think these suggestions are very good simple and practical.I hope to try them out though it requires both parties to try them out for them to be effective
Both the husband and wife should be able to apply the 60 second rule together.Most of the time we get too busy with our schedules.I think this is the best way to work things out and improve communication
Hi. I have been married for 7 years now to a man I have been “involved with” for more than 21 years total & I’m 37 years old-we got involved at a really young age. Marriage hasn’t been easy or at all what I expected. We don’t necessarily use these specific tips, but we do similar things & “A” it’s hard to find the time to incorporate them (I work full time days, he works full time nights & we have three children in our house (two in common ages 5 & 11 & he has one from a previous relationship-age 18 {yeah, do the math})”B”- even though he flirts with me, initiates couple dates, & is very excited about sex, these things still don’t help us “connect”. My husband flirts with me all the time, reaches out for a kiss before he leaves for work at night & regularly gets me out of the house without the kids for “couple time”, but we are so far from being “connected” that it’s driving me insane. I sincerely do not want to sound whiny or to come across like “poor little old me”, but I feel like I’m trapped in a “loveless” marriage. He says he loves me & yes, he does little things, but when the “big” things are so bad (like not taking the time to REALLY get to know who I am or not having time for things that are really important-the foundation is missing-he is as far from “deep” as any person can be), the little good things don’t help at all-they just confuse the heck out of me! I feel like I’m choking, drowning…there is honestly no place for women in my situation to turn. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, I’m “whining & complaining” & that makes me “unpleasant to be around?” I work so hard inside & outside of the home & devote a lot of time to my children & their activities-I am very attentive to my husband’s needs/wants and I try not to “loose myself” in the process, but saying that I’m unappreciated by him is an understatement! I am so tired of being sick & tired & so tired of being married & alone…& yes, I know I married him after having “dated” him for 14 years & yes he is the same man & YES, I did expect for him to “grow” & “change” I call it “maturity”, & NO it hasn’t happened & it may be my own fault for taking that step, but I was hoping for the better, praying that if we did what I thought was the right thing-getting married as opposed to continuing to date/live together with children in common, that we would be “blessed”. I was so wrong & now I’m stuck in this loveless marriage…my husband on the other hand, has a great life with no problems, because he receives everything he needs-a great time with me, fun with the kids and plenty of “guy” time with his friends. I-on the other hand-am emotionally, physically & mentally drained. I have my “girl” time with my friends, but in my marriage, I am lonely as HECK!!!
Peace & Love to you all.