Comments on: 5 Easy Tips to Stay Connected

By: BeeNyce

BeeNyce — Thu, 31 May 2007 05:17:58 +0000

Hi. I have been married for 7 years now to a man I have been “involved with” for more than 21 years total & I’m 37 years old-we got involved at a really young age. Marriage hasn’t been easy or at all what I expected. We don’t necessarily use these specific tips, but we do similar things & “A” it’s hard to find the time to incorporate them (I work full time days, he works full time nights & we have three children in our house (two in common ages 5 & 11 & he has one from a previous relationship-age 18 {yeah, do the math})”B”- even though he flirts with me, initiates couple dates, & is very excited about sex, these things still don’t help us “connect”. My husband flirts with me all the time, reaches out for a kiss before he leaves for work at night & regularly gets me out of the house without the kids for “couple time”, but we are so far from being “connected” that it’s driving me insane. I sincerely do not want to sound whiny or to come across like “poor little old me”, but I feel like I’m trapped in a “loveless” marriage. He says he loves me & yes, he does little things, but when the “big” things are so bad (like not taking the time to REALLY get to know who I am or not having time for things that are really important-the foundation is missing-he is as far from â€œdeepâ€ as any person can be), the little good things don’t help at all-they just confuse the heck out of me! I feel like I’m choking, drowning…there is honestly no place for women in my situation to turn. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, I’m “whining & complaining” & that makes me “unpleasant to be around?” I work so hard inside & outside of the home & devote a lot of time to my children & their activities-I am very attentive to my husbandâ€™s needs/wants and I try not to â€œloose myselfâ€ in the process, but saying that Iâ€™m unappreciated by him is an understatement! I am so tired of being sick & tired & so tired of being married & alone…& yes, I know I married him after having “dated” him for 14 years & yes he is the same man & YES, I did expect for him to “grow” & “change” I call it “maturity”, & NO it hasn’t happened & it may be my own fault for taking that step, but I was hoping for the better, praying that if we did what I thought was the right thing-getting married as opposed to continuing to date/live together with children in common, that we would be “blessed”. I was so wrong & now I’m stuck in this loveless marriage…my husband on the other hand, has a great life with no problems, because he receives everything he needs-a great time with me, fun with the kids and plenty of â€œguyâ€ time with his friends. I-on the other hand-am emotionally, physically & mentally drained. I have my â€œgirlâ€ time with my friends, but in my marriage, I am lonely as HECK!!!

Peace & Love to you all.

By: jill

jill — Mon, 28 May 2007 08:12:25 +0000

Both the husband and wife should be able to apply the 60 second rule together.Most of the time we get too busy with our schedules.I think this is the best way to work things out and improve communication

By: jill

jill — Mon, 28 May 2007 08:00:50 +0000

I think these suggestions are very good simple and practical.I hope to try them out though it requires both parties to try them out for them to be effective

By: Patricia

Patricia — Sat, 26 May 2007 16:13:25 +0000

I especially like the one about doing volunteer work together. We both have our individual projects that we work on and we just completed a fundraiser for Cystic Fibrosis because our granddaughter has the disease. However, I’ve been on the lookout lately for something that my husband and I can do together to help better our local community.
I can also vouch that stopping for 60 seconds when you get home in the evening is a good idea. A few months ago I realized that both of us were staying glued to the t.v. or the computer and never even turned to look at the other one when they arrived back home. I was horrified so we made a pact that we would at least do that, and even better, share a welcome home kiss!

By: GSB

GSB — Fri, 25 May 2007 10:39:46 +0000

The 60-second Rule is cool. I’d tell my husband we should try it . We might end up giggling at first but sure it’s nice to try new things to strengthen our relationship. I can see this rule ‘evolving’ into something really good…

By: Gracie

Gracie — Fri, 25 May 2007 08:27:05 +0000

We have been ’sort of’ married for 5 and 1/2 years. At least our wedding was that long ago. I don’t feel married. I feel like a slave who never measures up.
My husband is retired and I am not. I have offered to quit but he won’t hear of it. I do try to connect with him whenever I arrive home. It depends how angry he is if I am what he considers “too late”.
He gets breakfast for me every morning!! Isn’t that wonderful?!!!
We were helping with a Gospel Sing at the local nursing home once every three weeks but I have just discontinued that because I am so desperately busy, and my husband did not really want to go. It was “my” thing.
We do go grocery shopping together sometimes, at my urging. His answer? “I don’t care” When I ask him if he enjoyed it, he answers, “Oh, it was all right”. However, when he and his married daughter went shopping together, he said, “My, I enjoyed that! My wife and I used to shop together every week!”
We do play “catch” together sometimes. He absolutely refuses to play table games with me although he spends time every day playing games on his computer.
I need to go for a walk every day, and when I ask him to go, he might, walking quite slowly… “Oh YOU go ahead” or brr, It’s too cold. or, You know I can’t stand the sun
Nothing that I do or think interests him. His most frequent responses to me are… Pardon? What did you say? I don’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t care. What time did you say you had to leave? (just trying to get away as soon as possible, aren’t you, even when you don’t really have to go that soon.) Do you know how late you are coming home? Don’t you dare boss me around, asking me to come and look at the sunset, or help with the dishes, or carry a heavy chair. Or humph or sigh or (most likely) sneer.
He is clean, good-looking, always arrives early (which I ADORE), and a very hard worker. He eats everything I prepare even if he never compliments me on the food. A couple of times since we’ve been married, he has said, “You can prepare that again”. He is a Christian, even if he doesn’t act like it at home, and we do go to church together, which is a big thing.
We have great sex, even if he does use it as a bargaining “tool”.
So I try to focus on the good things. He tries hard not to sigh or groan when I ask him to mute the TV during a commercial so I can ask or tell him something.
I try not to let him ’steal my joy’ but I guess I have to work much harder than I am doing.
God bless all of you.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Fri, 25 May 2007 03:52:12 +0000

I think these are great ideas. I will try them, at least the 60 second look and talk. I have tried several things in the past. We have tried the 10 second kiss also. I don’t know how often we could go for a walk, lest by ourselves. My husband is a full time fireman (24 hr. shifts) and farms on his day off. We have 2 children, 13 & 10, a mother in law 100 yards away in failing physical health and I have cancer. When the kids are in school, we try our best to take a jacuzzi together several times a week. It is relaxing and we can either talk or just enjoy being snuggled together in the warmth and the moment. I try to get him to himself when the kids are out of school but it is very difficult; mentioning a jacuzzi usually is the ticket. As I have worked out mild depression that is due to the loss of my own health, I have found my husband more appreciative of me. He sees me more happy with myself and having fun (with a new hobby) instead of ‘leaning’ on him. He wants to be around me more also. Several times lately I have heard about seeing the positive in our spouses and that is fine. I know I’m not politically correct in this but my relationship with Jesus comes before my relationship with my husband. It has made a tremendous difference in how I handle life, death and everyday.

By: JennieLee

JennieLee — Fri, 25 May 2007 02:49:43 +0000

I understand Mo’s frustration. It takes both partners and not just one that is going through the motions thinking that physical presence is enough or their complete knowledge of everything covers what both parties are thinking. Most of the time, it is obvious that my husband really doesn’t even know me. He may enjoy the physical body, but I have to doubt that he would know the soul within.

Amazingly, the one person who actually listened to me was an aethetist, married and possibly loved and knew me more than anyone I’ve ever known. Being a Christian, I knew better than to get involved, but I he was one of my best friends and I could talk to him about anything and he actually listened to me. I would give years of my life to have my husband love me that much.

By: Marge

Marge — Thu, 24 May 2007 21:47:09 +0000

I will try these tips… plus give one, after a long work week, and chores on Sat. my husband and I out of the blue will sneek away to our local bar. What make it special is that we walk to it,which gives us time together. Once we arrive, we promise to not talk about the kids or our jobs. which makes a couple of hours postive for each other. We have something to eat and drink, chit- chat with other couples. We feel reconnected and at the same time have fun. The idea is its always spir of the moment, a surprize ( not a so call DATE) which makes it fun. Especially with a family like mine, 4 kids ages 17-15, & 7-6. Working full time plus always on the go go go… plus we make a note to never go to bed mad..

By: Marian

Marian — Thu, 24 May 2007 17:05:07 +0000

We will be married five years on June 15th. My husband will be 78 years old and I just turned 71 in March. I was widowed for 28 years before we met and his wife had passed away just a short time before we met. I have found that even though I had been married nearly eight years before my first husband died (we had two children, four and six years old), I thought I knew all that I needed to in order to have another marital relationship. Was I wrong! I am learning so many new things about communication and how to keep our marriage exciting. So much depended on my own attitude toward him with regard to his expectations of me and how I was to fulfill these expectations. We have discussed these issues and while he is not much of a talker with regard to letting me know what goes on inside him, he is getting much better and we are enjoying each other more. We are both very opposite but I realize because he is so “laid back” that is no reason for me to make so many decisions where he is not involved, because I had been so used to doing it in my single life. I am including him in everything I do and I am enjoying his input, usually with the comment from me: “What did I do all these years without you?”