Broken Promises: How to Recover and Trust Again
Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy marriage. So when a couple faces a serious violation of trust, this inevitably hurls the relationship into crisis mode. But take heart. What seems like an irreparable wound can become a catalyst for strengthening your commitment in ways you never imagined. After all, “crisis” in Greek translates as “decisive moment.” You should look at this as a pivotal moment in your story as a couple — a moment when you both must take decisive action and commit to doing some of the hardest work you’ve ever done.
Trust Equals Truth
Trust grows in a marriage from the accumulation of truths we tell each other. Compromised trust can involve repeated incidents of not keeping our word, not following through on things we said we’d do, or creating a consistent pattern of little white lies. Broken trust is not any more devastating but can feel that way, because it often occurs in one fell swoop. Note that while we usually think of broken trust as involving an extramarital affair, it’s not limited to infidelity. It can include other deceitful acts (mishandling money, relapsing into addiction, etc.) perceived as major betrayals by one’s partner.
When dealing with trust issues in your marriage, it’s important to develop a plan of action focused on truth-telling. It will be vital to pry open the doors of communication if you want your marriage to recover. Here are the first five steps you’ll need to take:
Remember, forgiveness can start only when a person is in touch with his/her own feelings, especially the hurt. You must both feel the pain and process it. Repressed pain has a way of tying you to the past in ways that don’t allow progress. It is critical to own and express your feelings.
It is also crucial to examine as a couple the underlying reasons that led to the trust compromise in the first place, and ensure that those needs get met. In other words, if one of you looked outside the marriage for something you felt you weren’t getting from your spouse, figure out how you can make sure that you both feel you’re receiving what you need from each other, so that neither of you feels compelled to look elsewhere.
Forgiveness: Giving and Receiving
Experts agree that failure to give or receive forgiveness is typically the reason behind a marriage ending as a result of broken trust. It is also clear that forgiveness can come only once the situation has been thoroughly addressed. This means the offender has apologized, accepted blame, offered an explanation, expressed regret, and attempted to compensate for the offense that compromised the trust. And it means that the offended person has accepted his or her spouse’s apology and has offered�or is working toward offering�real forgiveness
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. Recognize that, while forgiveness can occur as soon as you make the decision to forgive, trust sometimes takes a long time to reestablish in a relationship. Be patient. Be vigilant. Real forgiveness involves deciding you won’t hold the offense over your partner’s head, or bring it up in subsequent unrelated conflicts, or fling barbs at your partner either in public or in private, or display ongoing anger or animosity. This doesn’t mean you might not have strong feelings even years later about what happened. But it does mean you will try to manage those emotions.
Finally, one point often overlooked is how hard it can be to truly accept forgiveness. Many individuals feel so guilty that they wallow in self-punishment, self-rejection, self-shame. This sabotages the ability to empathize — to objectively understand their mate’s perspective and see the world from his or her point of view. Guilt clouds empathy and can cause withdrawal. This is devastating to the healing process.
Instead, those who have broken the trust will need to actively communicate trust with both words and actions. Say what you’ll do, and do what you say. Not just the big promises, but the little ones as well. Continually ask your partner: “What can I do to make it right?” After all, every situation is different and requires different demonstrations of remorse and trustworthiness. These could be words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch.
A broken promise shakes the very foundation of a marriage. Recovering stable footing will require healing and major work. Remember that giving and receiving forgiveness is a daily intentional act. Communication and honesty will be at the core of the healing process. And lastly, it will take time. Do all you can to be patient with each other. An ancient philosopher said it best: “Time heals what reason cannot.”
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85 Responses to “Broken Promises: How to Recover and Trust Again”
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This is the one thing I have a hard time with. The article says, “if one of you looked outside the marriage for something you felt you weren’t getting from your spouse, figure out how you can make sure that you both feel you’re receiving what you need from each other, so that neither of you feels compelled to look elsewhere.” (1) I don’t think that the person who has been betrayed should be blamed for their spouse’s actions. It was their own weakness that caused them to betray the trust. (2) What message does it send to a spouse who says their needs were not being met – by then ensuring that their needs are met – AFTER they have betrayed the trust? It seems to me that the betrayed spouse would be rewarding the bad behavior of the other spouse. They weren’t getting what they needed, so they looked elsewhere, and that was a wake up call to the “good spouse” to give them whatever they want? How is that fair exactly?
wonderful advice, but how do you get the husband to do it? my husband committed the adultery and he’s never accepted the responsibility and everything is fine as long as we don’t talk about it, so for the last 6 months i’ve had to suppress my feelings.
My husband had an affair with someone he lied to and she back at him. But through all of it I do believe they did have a love for each other. My husband even said she made him feel things he never did before. So, to comment on the first response, I had to take a look at myself and my part in making our relationship what it was. There is no justification for the affair, but it happened. Now what can we do to get past it is what we face now. Everyone has to face thier piece of the pie. It is very hard to think you may have done something wrong, which you may not have. But something made your spouse feel the need to stray. It’s been VERY difficult dealing with this, but no matter what, I know I’m a better person for it-whether it be with him or without him.
Please stop reliving your husband’s misbehaviour over and over in your head. STOP LOOKING TO PUNISH THE GUY. Figure out how to forgive him AND GO ON. You will die a slow death holding your breath, like a child, saying “Life’s not fair.” It’s not fair. Show some courage and chutzpah and show the husband you are too good to suffer for God’s sake. Then start dancing and singing and playing and get over the situation– really, that is how you will turn the tables and win by being happy to be alive and showing him he can’t hurt you anymore. Smile, you kept your vows. You can be proud of yourself, so why should you suffer? Let him figure out why you are so happy, and you should try to include him in your peace and new found joy. Really ask yourself: what can he do to make me happy that I can’t do for myself? That’s what you need him for, so appreciate him for all of that. And don’t label the guy: they live up to their labels. If you call him a “paycheck”, that’s what he’ll be, and if you call him a “love warrior” that’s what he’ll be, and if you call him a “Prince”, that’s what he’ll be. You make him what he will be, so please get over the bad stumbles and find out what he might be “labeling” you to be. Really connect with him and find this out truthfully; that is the key to the problem: what he thinks of you. Find out if he is putting you on a pedestal or you may be on a pedestal and he can’t climb up that high, whatever it is, find it out, please. Then find out what’s going to work for both of you. The article is right on. You need to have a Vision.
The part about being open and honest and looking at what the other person wasn’t receiving is right on. My husband had threatened me with divorce while I was staying in the hospital with our then 8 month old baby who had some mysterious illness. When the chips are down, he is a deserter. Then I decided to go back to school so I could teach and be around more for our daughter through a different career. He told me that interfered with his time. So then when I tried to talk with him about all of this, he pushed me farther away. I became emotionally involved with a male friend and told my husband about it. He continued to ignore me and reject my physically, mentally and emotionally. When he told me to stop talking with this male friend, I asked him why–was it his ego or was it because he wanted our marriage to work and cared about me? He just said he wanted me to stop talking to this person and would not–after three separate discussions–say he wanted the marriage to work. I didn’t cheat on him (physically) and now we are separated. I don’t know what will happen, but I will say this, be honest and if your spouse chooses to ignore you, then it may be time to move on. I can’t make him care, be a committed husband or a dedicated father. I can only pray for our healing.
An individual makes the choice to go otside their marriage. It is neither th efault of the wife or husband because of what they have done. The unfaithful spouse made the choice and did it – was happy doing it – until caught.
Thats my story and I’m sticking to it. But it does make you grow because if it happens again you can say, “been there, done that, so there.”
I have to say that Clar’s response is really good. I am struggling with this every day, and the temptation to throw my husband’s sins back in his face always overwhelms my desire to remain aloof. I am trying, though, to move on. Like other husbands here, he hasn’t fully admitted to any wrongdoing (his was an emotional affair), and I used to think that was the thing that would undo us. But after three months, and little change on his part, I realize that I am the thing that would undo us. I’m not claiming guilt, I’m just saying that it’s my call as the one who has been hurt. I’m not good at pretending to be happy, but I do know that it’s my responsibility to build my own life and become happy, not just for me but for my kids. I can only hope that he will get past his stuff, whatever it is, and continue on this road with us. If he doesn’t, well, I’m perfectly capable of doing it alone.
I really take issue with the idea of partners cheating because of “needs not being met inside the marriage….” if this is a problem, the partner feeling slighted needs to be an adult and discuss those “needs” with the spouse, not go out and find someone else to give it to them on the side. There is never, never, ever an even slightly valid excuse for cheating. And if we are all being honest here, a vast majority of cheaters would say that they love their spouse and aren’t particularly unhappy with them…this is why they try to sneak around behind their spouse’s back rather than just coming clean, ending the marriage, and then starting a new relationship with the “other” person.
Personally, I could never truly forgive my husband for cheating. I have been very open and honest about that fact with him. Maybe that makes me a “bad” person, but I don’t think so. As much as I love him, I would never be able to “get over it” and I would be throwing it in his face for years to come. He would be so miserable trying to continuously make up for it and being completely restricted in his freedom of movement, because I doubt I would ever believe a word he said ever again. At least I am realistic enough about myself and I know my limitations…the relationship would be over, as much as it would hurt, and I would move on. I certainly wouldn’t be the least bit concerned about what I had done wrong to force him to seek fulfillment of his “needs” elsewhere.
Amazing–in all the above it’s the man who’s cheated (I guess becuase maybe because the majority of cheaters are men–but I have no facts to base that on. However, I (the now former husband of 38 years) found out my ex cheated on me (with her direct boss and who was also my boss, indirectly). She ‘left’ the marriage as some point in the 7-8 years before actually walking out the door, but just hid it from me and our grown children. Afterwards, I took responsibilty for errors on my part; she never did–nor did she ever ask for an honest ’sit down’ to discuss her feelings or needs not being met. [She seemed to believe she was always 'right', but I don't think she's alone!]
When my husband decided, after 20 yrs, that another woman was his best friend, and he bought flowers for someone else, he knew he had to tell ALL the truths. That is when I found out he semi dallied w/ women over the years. We went to counseling but he wanted to jump into wellness according to the counselor. He was the perfect only child ( I was the despensible first born of five), and wanted this to disappear. We were starting a new business togehter and worked a 14 hr day. Both of us. He was raised spoiled( but nice) and couldn’t look at his dark side, again according to the counselor. He thinks he apologized adequately but I don’t . He DOES keep me informed now…good thing we had three young children to raise or I would have been gone. He is a great father..and now grandfather. We celebrate 39 yrs next week and I am SO PROUD OF ME because I am the one who has earned the 39 yrs. I am still fit, interesting ..and many men remind my husband of that. My children understand that I am the strong one. Thus, I can live with it ….
Do they ever stop to think – just how much pain even emotional affairs can inflict, caught my husband surfing the internet for sex partners and who knows what else? Of course, they do not see it as a breach of trust, just exploring the unknown. That was the silliest answer – what would have happened had the shoe been on the other foot, I wonder? Of course, he lied about it to begin with and said he wasn’t doing it, someone else had used his laptop, that is why the websites were bookmarked and there were pages and pages of this stuff in the history. Being a computer geek, really stinks sometimes. What is stranger than me throwing this up in his face, which I do not do, we talk about it very
There are so many views on how to get over an affair that it leaves you as confused as before. The most frustrating thing for me is that even though it was my husband who had the affair, it is only I who continues to look for answers and ways of getting over this. The only thing about this that seem to bother him is the fact that I don’t want our children together to have relationship with his son who was the result of the affair.
Eventhough he says that he is sorry, I don’t feel assured that he won’t do it again. I have a fear that may be I should have just walked away as soon as it happened instead of waiting around to be hurt again.
He cheats? Kick him to the curb and move on! Plenty of men are happy and/or miserable and still know how to stay faithful! Trust is a must or it is a bust! Flat out. Could you really spend the rest of your life wondering what he is up to? Life is to short. Move on. Children will adjust and respect you later in life. Do Not Covet Thee Neoghbor’s Wife! Plain and easy to read english.
This is a really hard one for me…I watched my father cheat on my mother repeatedly, for years…they “celebrated” 50 years last summer…and I felt so sad…I have a wonderful marriage…hard work, the real deal…I am not talking fairy tales, but wonderful, just the same…If I found that he had been involved in an affair, I would be done…forgiveness, as an eventual destination(on a lifelong path) is one thing…and a necessity…but, staying, I don’t think so…I would never be able to believe him again. I have seen too much.
Sometimes a betrayal of trust has nothing to go with infidelity… like the article says. My loved one will not give me a foundation to stand on. Every time we have a fight or a disagreement or I have done something he doesn’t approve of, he threatens to leave or tells me to pack my bags. At first I dealt with it but still told him the truth, no matter how much it caused problems for us. And then, because his reactions were so extreme, I stopped telling him everything and a few times I have lied. There has never been any infidelity but there is no trust. I don’t trust him to be there and now he doesn’t trust me to tell him the truth. I had told him that his extreme reactions hurt me and hurt my trust in him and in the foundations of the relationship but he ignored me. I am still here but I don’t know for how long. He has said he will change now and has been hinting that I should tell him the truth about stuff he supposedly knows I lied about. I don’t know what he thinks at this point that I have lied about. I need to figure out what to do… because his threats to leave haven’t ended and the last threat was only a few weeks ago. So, while I would like to “come clear” but I am afraid and am not in a position to move out at this point if this doesn’t work out. I hope to be in this position soon and then maybe we can come clean completely in our relationship. I hope so because there is a lot of good here too. But, I think this won’t happen without help. And for those of you out there who are having a hard time forgiving… think about this: Who are you hurting???? Your spouse or yourself??? What purpose does this serve? Either forgive or walk away… gently.
I don’t really think Clar has ever had to deal with a spouse’s betrayal. It ain’t that straight forward to deal with. My spouse has said he would go to counselling with me to work things out for our kids. I have given him two months since I found out about his three month affair to set things right and be the one to seek help. Problem is even though he says the way we were going about life that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t really want to change. So I made an appointment for us to see a counselor. He said he thinks he’ll be busy that day! So much for him saying he’ll be there for me and to just let him know when my appointments are!
I like one persons responce about forgiving him and start being happy. I to believe that life is to short to be mad all the time but I also want him to know that he has hurt me and I dont think that it is fair that he gets off easy. So how do you play both thee im mad at you and its okay role
You have to forgive not matter what. That doesn’t mean you have to stay with your partner. But you have to forgive even if your partner hasn’t asked for the forgivness, or even recognizes that they did wrong. Of course it would be easier to forgive if they said sorry, and never did it again. I lost trust in my marriage because he had an explosive temper, and would say mean and hurtful things. After three years of it I lost any love I had for him because he kept on hurting me. I felt the only way to make him see what he was doing was divorce him. I am still working on the forgiveness, but my faith teaches me you have to forgive. So I am working on it. But I am much happier without his temper in my home! I feel proud I got out of an abusive relationship.
first, I do not think, nor do i ever think that i will believe that 1 person can fulfill 100% of another persons needs, emotionally or physically. that being said, if someone else, outside the marriage, fulfills those needs, whether they be from an opposite sex friend, or a same sex friend (which is funny that most people only believe opposite sex friends cause the cheating situation), then whose fault is it that that need isnt being met?
According to Erika, its always the fault of the one who is not having their needs met, and there ie no excuse for not having that need met. I disagree with this. sometimes the partner doesnt want to meet the need, so then what is the other to do?
according to Dela, the person who “strays” by going outside their marriage, chooses to do so, when in fact, sometimes, they are almost forced to do so, emotionally or physically, if their partner is not meeting those needs. and while some are happy, even after being “caught” not all are happy even during the straying, because all they want is for their partner to fulfill those needs.
I think Julie was correct, and so is Clar. something makes a partner go talk to someone else, spend time with someone else, and possibly even sleep with someone else. why is that? what is happening to cause it?
figure that out, and you fix the problem, unless you truly dont want the problem to be fixed, and you are just lookign for a scapegoat to blame things on.
With the internet, it is impossible for men to be faithful. They can be good men but the temptation of easy women on the internet that will have sex for their 15 minutes of attention is all they need. One day a lady emailed me and told me what my husband been doing since the start of my marriage. We have been married 24.5 years and I ask if this was true and he confessed. I asked why he did it and he said it wasn’t nothing I did, it was too tempting for him and he was selfish. My advice is take him to the cleaners and move on with your life because they are only sorry when they are caught.
I try to be open and honest with my husband but, he will say something and turn around and do something again so it is to the point where there is no trust at all. NOT COMING HOME ON THE WEEKENDS. Eases cloths and shoes out the house. Come home when he get ready. Turns his cell phone off, will not answer it if it is on. So what do you do. I have tried everything and I just don,t know what else to do.
I have mixed feelings on this very sensitive topic. My sister experienced infidelity in her marriage and they decided to work in through and have been married 37 years. I think in their case my brother-in-law was in the type of work that just brewed trouble. One thing for sure is he really did love my sister. So, I do believe what one person said about most of those who have stepped out, do still love their spouse, but something happens. My sister said she had to take a really good look at herself and see what she did to contribute to this outside affair. I’m not sure if I’m as strong as my sister. I would be probably like the woman who constantly brought the issue up again. We all know our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, I feel there is no room for error when it comes to infidelity. And the person committing the act should realize what the consequences will be if they follow through with this behavior. In my marriage , my husband and I have discussed this in great detail, probably because it has effected our family years ago. He has made it very clear there would be no turning back , that he would never be able to forgive and forget. Now maybe if the situation were to occur , he would rethink his decision. But you can bet I believe what he has said to me and I better be willing to end our marriage if I decide to step out. Like I tell my children, 21,18,15, “don’t just live for the moment, live for a life time” When one lives for the flesh alone he lives for death, but when one lives for the soul he lives for life!!
It’s refreshing to read a discussion where people can express different viewpoints in a mature and rational way. Thanks to everyone who’s posted so far.
It’s not just husbands who cheat, and every marriage involves the dynamics between two imperfect individuals. So looking at the larger picture – not to blame, but to understand – is essential to growth and committment.
I offer the perspective of a wife who nearly, but ultimately didn’t, physically cheat. I had a brief but torrid email exchange with a guy I barely knew. Around the same time I also had a profile on an adult dating site for a couple days and had erotic chats with a few guys. My husband found out (I was actually the one to tell him about the latter) and I stopped.
How did this happen? My husband had been gradually sliding into depression. He was never physically abusive but was increasingly harsh toward me, and our intimacy suffered. Nothing I could say or do seemed to help. I did not consciously look outside our marriage, but when this guy came on to me at a party, I was vulnerable.
I had a need for attention that was not being met, in addition to underlying anger and frustration toward my husband. I don’t say that to justify what I did, because I recognize that my actions were selfish and immature. I’m not proud of that. But this is in hindsight – at the time I was not examining my own motivations. The point is that I didn’t consciously choose this path, nor did I even particularly enjoy it while it was happening, but there were a lot of things that led up to it that neither of us saw for the warning flags they were. Another interesting dynamic is that my husband had always maintained that he wouldn’t mind if I slept with someone else, and I was always the one who said no, I don’t want to do that. Turns out that neither of us was fully in touch with how we felt about this issue.
I sought counseling, though my husband would not go with me. My counselor reassured me that counseling could be beneficial even if only one partner is committed to it. And indeed, it has been. Now several months later, we have gotten past (I hope!) the worst of the negative feelings and are learning to ask each other for what we need. It’s a long road and we both still have reflexes that kick in when we’re tired or vulnerable. But we are still deeply committed to each other and there have been some subtle but encouraging changes. For instance, he now acknowleges his own unmet needs – like the need to take some healthy time for himself and enjoy his favorite hobbies instead of moping about not doing them – that I fully support.
No miracle cures here, just two stubborn imperfect people who are finding a way forward. Best wishes to all of you!
I concur with Paul
Paul… that is typical man BS. If your needs aren’t being met, open your damn mouth and tell your partner. dont tell me someone is forced to lie to someone they love and betray them. IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY GET A DIVORCE!!!!!!! DONT RUIN A LIFE BY ABUSING THE TRUST!!!!!! AND REALLY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST NOT SAY ANYMORE !!!!! There is NO BLAME there is just trust and being able to trust THAT is what a relationship is all about!!! If you cannot respect the person you are with enough to tell them your needs are not being met then YOU DONT NEED TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul’s comment its spot on. Communications is the foundation for any relationship. Sometimes we forget that each of us is a living object that experiencing changes continuously, and many occasion that nuturing the relationship stopped after the wedding day. Marriage is like dancing, will not work if the other person doesn’t want to follow the same rythm means VISION and VALUE in relationship.
It has been a year since my husband’s affair. He still says that nothing happened between them, she says it did. But I now realize that it doesnot matter anymore. He will have to deal with the truth, not me. We are still together and I still want to throw it in his face at times that he broke the vow we made over 14 years ago. I even have a few times in past arguements, but that does not solve anything and he keeps the pain at the surface. Have a goal in mind for your own life and keep working toward it. Don’t live in the past or relive the pain over and over. My new saying is, “Don’t get mad, let GOD get even!!” Through him, anything is possible!
I know exactly what everyone is going through. My husband had an affair with his son’s mother. (he had a son before we were married). he states he did it out of revenge. Before we were married I was involved with someone else and I did not tell him of the affair until after we were married. He feels justified and I know we both broke trust and I have tried to make amends and try to get counseling and he doesn’t want to. He’s the one that slept with someone why we were married not me. I am only responsible for my own actions and I have done/and am doing my part. He still chooses to speak with other females on the phone and I found this out when our cell phone bill was extremely high than normal. I feel he has become emotionally and sexually involved because simply he wanted to and forgiveness is a process and not an emotion. I’m learning forgiveness, rather or not he does or not. It will be him and God in that day!
I too have been cheated on in a marriage. I stayed for 20 years being unhappy because I did not think God would forgive me for divorcing a cheating spouse. I hurt my children and myself more by thinking I had broken a promise to God and to my spouse. I then realized that I had done nothing wrong, I had kept my vows even through the worst of times. My husband continued to openly have multiple affairs and became abusive to me and my children. I know that God has forgiven me for the divorce and has blessed me and my children with a wonderful husband and father. Stay faithful and seek God, He alone will see you through anything.
All is this information is great. I do question the statement about the spouse stepping outside a marriage due to an unmet need. My husband and I went through infidelity, before we got married, but we both married each other with the understanding and belief that we both are committed to make our relationship work. We discussed the affair and it was very difficult for him to speak on it and even more difficult for me to hear (although I had many questions that needed an answer). Today we are still together and happy. I have decided to forgive him and he has accepted my forgiveness, but I still have moments that brings pain and doubt.
In speaking about the affair, I found that there really was nothing I was not fulfilling that caused him to stray. It was difficult to understand at first when he was trying to explain it but eventually I figured it out. He explained that he loves me…and he was happy in our relationship. What lacked was the “newness” the “chase”. He stated that he felt loved and wanted, but there is a different type of euphoria when a stranger expresses attraction or interest. The “chase” gave him the feeling that “he still got it” and he liked the attention he was getting from a stranger. They connected emotionally from the flirting and talking (although in a limited capacity) and then shared one intimate moment that opened his eyes to what was happening. I feel I was lucky that I discovered the affair only after a single intimate encounter. He told me that the physical interaction was not fulfilling for him and he felt disgusted with himself during, but was unable to stop the act fearing she will see him as a whimp or non-sexual. So he made the wrong decision and continued the act and dealt with it his way after.
In this type of situation, how can I make sure his need for that feeling of “newness” and the thrill of the “chase” is met. He knows he has me…my heart, mind and body. He has experienced it all….where is the newness in that and how can there be a “chase”.
When someone finds an answer to this, I would pay millions to find out.
I agree with Claire, very good advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
This article is right on. I did not know how I would respond until it happened to me. This week is the one year anniversary of my discovery of my wife’s infidelity. My halo is not untarnished in this area from early on in our marriage. The difference: I didn’t get caught. I confessed to my wife after her situation became apparent.
After almost 15 years of marriage at the time, we were all but through. I had focused on her incredible devotion to her extended family (especially her older sister, whom I can’t stand) and years of having to take a back seat to them. This situation played heavily in my decision to stray over a decade ago. By the way, I regretted my decision and stopped it action before it got to big. In later years we had bloody verbal battles about her devotion to her “family” and her stepping in to parent her sister’s children when she could not live up to the responsibility, among other things.
My wife’s infidelity involved her sister and a friend of hers. I probably discovered too much information when I was building a case last year. The guy wouldn’t face me and the sister lied to my face. I delved deeply into their backgrounds and discovered areas of “weakness” to exploit. I have acted on this vendetta because of my wife. This decision has been one of the hardest of my life. My wife says that her affair had nothing to do with me. I disagree, because mine had everything to do with her. The bottom line is that neither one of us were having our needs met.
A year later, we have vowed to stay together. We have worked very hard at restoring our marriage. Our communication has improved, but needs a lot of work. The bad guy moved away and I have learned recently remarried (He was very easy to track). Issues to overcome: I want nothing to do with my wife’s family. My wife is supposed to report each and every contact. She has reported contacts with her sister of late after she revealed that she was sneaking around with her to have lunch. The rest of the family seems to be excluded in her mind.
My decision to make: During my research I developed information that would lead a reasonable person to conclude that my sister-in-law is having her own affair. I came into possession of written documentation in her own hand and that of the bad guy. My wife gets very angry when I threaten to expose her so her significant other can experience his own misery. So, where there is smoke, there’s fire. I recently met her “lover” and his wife at church. My wife tried to avoid the introduction and had hidden his attendance from me. As I started to elude to his infidelity during our introduction, my wife was secretly pinching the underside of my arm. I later got in trouble with her because I admitted that I enjoyed myself so much. People like us do not belong in church.
My wife’s continuing to cover for people and sneaking to see her sister is stopping the progress in learning to trust her again. From her perspective, my need for revenge is stopping the trust building. It’s a vicious circle. As the article concludes, if we can’t get past this, our marriage will not continue and flourish, no matter how good everything else is.
Infidelity hurts – really badly – even years after forgiveness has been granted – there always that little something in the back of your mind. Will he cheat again? Is he just better at covering his tracks now? Is he just using me? What is his motive? Honestly, I forgave him and we are still together now but regret that I did. Best advice I can give is get a divorce. It’s biblical when adultery is the cause.
I am 48 years old and have been married for 30 years. My husband has cheated on me three times (earlier in the marriage). He told me about the first one night stand two years after it happened and confessed the other two this year. All one night stands that happened many years ago but because of the recent disclosure have contributed to a loss of trust. It has also caused me much anxiety as I tried to understand why it happened. I finally got some peace when I realized the reason he did it is because he could. He loved me then and loves me still but he said it is about the ‘chase’ and the ‘excitement’ which a spouse cannot fulfill. It is a brain chemistry thing that most people feel with any new relationship. Wears off though. Similar to what an addict is seeking. That’s why cheaters often feel so bad afterwards. Doesn’t stop them though.
The other problem is that society (and the above article) condones the behaviour. If a person attacks you physically you can charge them. If a person attacks you emotionally (much more damaging as physical wounds heal) there is no recourse. I have been in therapy but it still hasn’t helped me forgive him. Such a betrayal because he only told me about it when he gave me an STD. It would help if he was in therapy but he shows no interest in working on himself.
At the moment I cannot feel anything for my husband. The more I distance myself the harder he tries to get close to me and it’s turning me off. I want him to sleep somewhere else and I guess he’ll really have an ‘excuse’ now for stepping out. I don’t care anymore. I’ve made some fabulous supportive friends and I’m having more fun now than I ever have. That’s the key… live a happy life and surround yourself with great people who truly care about you. Don’t depend on an ‘addict’ to make you happy. They’re too self involved. The innocent spouse does not contribute to the behaviour. Why make them feel guilty when they’re already in great pain and confusion? A cheater displays a lack of maturity and self control. We live in a society that promotes having it all and having it now and there are few consequences for their actions, except maybe an STD which gets passed on to the innocent spouse. Shake off that co-dependency. get out there and live your life!
I see mostly replies from women, which doesn’t surprise me. I don’t know if most men are looking at sites like this for help. I must be one of the exceptions because I desperately need it. In my marriage, I have drifted, emotionally, with another woman. There, I’ve admitted it. Not because I wanted to be with someone else, but because my spouse completely abandoned me. Her position is that “I’m not the person she thought I was” when we got married. But when pressed on this, she admits it’s not that I changed or misrepresented myself, it’s that she had set expectations of who she thought I should be. When I didn’t meet these artificial standards, then I became nothing. It’s said that anger is the result of unmet expectations. I can say that I’ve had to live with this for years now. After a while, you get tired, depressed, hurt and fed-up. Trying to say one party or the other is guilty is very hard to do sometimes because a relationship is made of two. Unfortunately men and women seem to express themselves from polar opposite directions, males tend to come at it from the physical perspective which leads to emotional, while most women are emotional, then physical. When one party throws in the towel, retreats and puts up a wall, only that person can tear it down again, if they want. Otherwise the other is left with being completely alone.
It’s my belief many men stray not because they want to sleep with multiple women, it’s because they don’t know how or aren’t allowed to express themselves to a spouse and end up frustrated. Unconditional love is forgotten by both parties and both suffer.
My thoughts and feelings are in sync with Sarah’s. I recently remarried and this is a second marriage for both of us. I spent some time reading self help books and books on understanding the opposite sex between marriages and have gained a little insight on “what makes a man tick” (for lack of a better term). I believe men are hunters by basic instinct, and that they really do get a thrill from “the chase”. I’ve also heard over and over again that men like to be challenged. My man KNOWS how profoundly in love I am with him. So I am asking the same question as Sarah: how can there be a chase? I would also like to know how to challenge my husband in a way that will make him want to make love to me – I haven’t figured that one out yet, either….
It is only human to stumble, make grave mistakes or even fall, physically, spiritually, emotionally but it is divine to forgive. lt is hard of course but once done it cleans the conscience of all emotional deposits put into the brain each time a spouse is commits a mistrust of any kind.
Why is it always cheating? That is not all that can cut a husband and wife in half. What about substance abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and physical abuse? I see every one so caught up in he cheated on me or she cheated on me. I know it hurts but a lie is a lie plain and simple. Really after some one has gone behind your back, and it is your spouse or life partner I say the deal is off. You need to make a plan and move on. You deserve better than that. No one deserves to be cheated on, lied to, or abused in any kind of way. You can forgive and you should, but you never forget.
I agree with Rodd. When a marriage is a victim of infedelity or broken trust “Unconditional love is forgotten by both parties and both suffer”.
Each party is so focused on who was at fault that the real issues are not discussed. I was married for 16 years and I drew first blood by straying. We then attempted to repair the trust but we were so focuse on blamming each other that we both dedicated our efforts to loosing each other.
In the end she decided to stray and get even. Marriage counseling was sought to no avail, we have filed for divorce. So do both parties suffer? I would say that yes they do.
I appreciate all your insights. This was a good article, but as someone mentioned earlier – it would work if the offending party were WILLING to put an effort into making things up to the innocent mate. It takes two to tango and if a couple is still surviving until now after the devastating effects of infidelity and they haven’t gone through the steps of healing, then sad to say it is only a matter of time until the relationship ends.
I am a wife who is trying to heal, but cannot. My husband does not realize how much he ruined me – my dignity, my self-esteem. I used to feel so loved and cherished but now I feel like he doesn’t even love me anymore. I am also dealing with my flood of emotions, feelings of betrayal and hurt. What can we do to renew that “chase”? I think the chase is OVER and cannot be renewed. He doesn’t want to put any effort, in fact he is more distant than ever. We are still together, but the affection and tenderness is gone.
I stayed because I wanted to prove that I can right my wrongs and be a better person. But when you see a person you love act like he doesn’t want you anymore after all you’ve done, it really can bring you down. I used to be a happy person, now I move arround with a cloud following me. A heavy burden of pain lodged in my chest forever.
If it happens again, I’m gone. And for all those other women who decide to give the man a chance, all power to you. But if it happens again…please don’t take it. LEAVE. It’s not worth all the doubt and you second-guessing yourself.
I love my husband, but he’s not even a shadow of who he used to be. Especially in the way he treats me. I don’t want to stoop to his low level, but I feel the moment another man would take an interest in me – I may just melt.
I WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING: ANY OFFENDING MAN WHO IS READING RIGHT NOW, PLEASE RESPOND A BRIEF COMMENT – IF YOU HAVE CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO “MAKE THINGS UP”. I SIMPLY WANT TO KNOW IF MY EXPECTATIONS ARE REALISTIC AND I’M NOT GOING INSANE.
I miss love. My husband of 3 years cheated on me, I decided to forgive – but now he is distant. We lost our connection. He isn’t affectionate with me. What am I doing wrong? On top of all the hurt I’m dealing with, I was always affectionate with him. Now I miss embracing. I miss a loving touch – I wish as I’m doing the dishes that he would come and hug me from behind – be actually interested in spending time together.
I am ready to leave him. They always think we’ll never leave. Truth is, they are so darn absorbed in their own wants/dreams that they forget how they’ve crushed ours. Hell no, I’m not staying for this garbage. I am still young, 26 and will find someone new. Although I know deep inside I can never get rid of the damage that was caused.
Any advice?
My husband had an emotional affair. Wehave been together for 40 year, married for 37. I was so devastated by his “connection” with this other person that I went to a therapist for two sessions and wound up on an antidepressant. I have been trying to forgive him, but until I can get some kind of amnesia or go to ahypnotist, I will always feel anger, hurt, and complete disbelief that he was weak/dissatisfied/callous enough to do this to me.
I can completely understand where hurtlovenohealing is coming from. My husband has also had an “emotional affair” even though he still won’t fully admit to what has and is going on, and I am almost sure there is more than 1 “woman friend”, it may even have been more than just an “emotional affair”, like I said he still hasn’t come completely clean and admits he doesn’t know if he wants to stay in our marraige. That’s what makes it hard, I am expected just to go on meeting his everyneed knowing that any day he might throw in the towel….why is the injured spouse made to feel it’s there fault? Like was mentioned earlier, everybody has a choice to make to do what is right or not, and doesn’t it only make sense that if one spouse’s needs are not being met, probably the other spouses needs are not being met either?? And to answer the question about what have other husbands done to make up for what they’ve done???…I don’t feel mine has done anything except blame me for his actions.
Sarah/Kim, the chase, as its mentioned is indeed what most relationships are built on, that lust, that first love syndrome, all the excitement, the hours on the phone, etc. but what most people dont get is that most animals, mammals on this earth are not monogomous, and the old “7 year itch” addage is what that talks about. its all the same, the chase. man/humankind, is mostly monogomous because of social standards, not by choice. if it were by choice, then there wouldnt be straying, cheating, whatever term you use to say that one person failed to live up to anothers expectations. how do you renew the chase? get out of the daily routine rut, inject spontanaety into the relationship, drop love notes in lunches, take weekends away to a hotel even if its down the street, etc. make time to reignite what you had in that first 2 years of knowing each other.
to AVB, all i can say is, what if you do tell your partner what need isnt being met, and they still dont meet it, divorce is the only option? i disagree. i am not saying that an affair is the answer, and again, why is it that most women only associate an affair or straying by their partner to be with a woman.
Like RODD said, if i am “emotionally” straying or cheating, as someone else said, why does that have to be with a woman, and if you are restricting to only women that i can stray with, then you arent saying that its the time or the energy or the emotion that causes the straying, but the simple fact of the other person being an opposite sex.
how many of you havent lied to your partner, at any time, for any reason, about anything? i would venture to bet that you have, all of you, and if you have, by a few of the posters here, that means you should get divorced, because you broke the trust. you cant have it both ways, either you break the trust and there is no going back, or you can forgive, truly forgive, figure out how to move on, and do it. you also cant fall back and say, oh but if i lie about this or that, its ok, but lying about another woman, or a different partner, or who that phone call was from, isnt ok. that is BS as AVB so politely put it.
to answer sally, cheating/infidelity etc isnt the only forms of tearing people apart, it just happens to be the highest %, why? because humans are jealous, and jealousy causes insecurity, or vice versa, and that causes second guessing, which causes you to look for problems, or to create them, or if nothing else, to allow a gap to form in the relationship, which as I have said before, sometimes leads to one person finding someone else to fulfill the need that you just backed away from, by your action of mistrust, silence, 2nd guessing, etc.
To hurt love no healing, my heart aches for you because you sound so much like myself. At first, after I let my husband back home, I believed he would be so relieved, so grateful, so happy that he would be a changed person. He was surprisingly not happy and did not seem relieved. I felt the hurt all over everyday. I am not sure how but both of us started to change a little by being just a little nicer to each other. I am now at a point that I do forgive him. I really love this poor guy. He is really messed up in many ways, but when I thought about it, so am I. We didn’t marry perfect. We are not perfect. Try slowly, in a gentle way, to help him see what it would take to get forgiveness from you. If it possible to forgive him, try. Once my husband was able to see that his small motions of kindness to me where really appreciated he was slowly able to give me more. It has taken about 10 months to get over the really rough spots. We are currently being very kind to each other in small ways and the love is coming back to us. Best of luck to you.
Each of you desperately needs to read “How to Survive an Affair” by Dr. Gunzburg. You can buy it online and get it immediately by downloading it onto your computer. It saved my marriage. My husband and I read it together. It tells you exactly what to do including how the cheater should go about breaking off the relationship with the “other woman”. You won’t regret it. I thought we could never go back to the way things were. That part was true because what we have now is better that what we had before. If you don’t believe this is possible then you need this book even more. This book is written by a therapist who specializes in repairing marriages damages by infidelity the same way Neil Clark Warren specializes in mate selection. Even if you think there is no hope please please read Dr. Gunzburg’s book.
we had the same type of situation of lost trust and it is difficult because my husband refuses marriage counseling and believes nothing is wrong it is just a day to day thing that the Lord keeps us married.
To TRULY forgive a spouse who has repeatedly lied, deceived and been unfaithful is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. It actually seems impossible. Afterall, this is THE person in the world who was never supposed to hurt you, and in cruel irony they would up hurting you more than anyone else in your life ever had. This was your partner, your best friend most likely, the one you chose and who chose you. The one you relied on and the one you believed always had your back. When you still love them and especially if you’ve always been faithful to them, learning that they CHOSE to initiate, encourage and develop an intimate relationship with someone other than you is absolutely unbearable. It hurts. It just hurts so much.
Six months have gone by since I discovered my husband’s affair. And although he is doing and saying “all the right things” and we are in therapy and he is truly making a sincere and concerted effort to repair the damage and rebuild our relationship, I am still struggling with my deep feelings of sadness, anger and disorientation that this happened at all. Like the cliche: I never thought it would happen here.
I never stopped loving him, that’s not and never was the issue. And actually iit would be much easier for me if I HAD stopped loving him because I could feel confident walking away from our relationship and starting something new, fresh and without all this very difficult work to do. My caviat — I don’t want to leave and I don’t want him to leave. Still I can’t believe that I will ever be able to trust him like I used to (which was implicitly). I wonder when and and so much want our marriage to stop being about recovering from this GDdamn affair. I am sick to death that this topic dominates our conversations, interactions and lives.
My heart goes out to ALL of you brave couples (especially you betrayed partners) who are really trying to recover, forgive and trust again. I’m right there with you … (please forgive the slang) it ain’t easy, you know it just ain’t easy.
Are there no truly happy marriages on the face of the earth? I know 100% that my husband and I were brought together by God. Everyone who knew us, including myself, thought that we had a wonderful marriage. I mean EVERYONE!!! Yet even my husband, whom I loved and trusted with all my heart, left me because he hadn’t resolved problems from his childhood, and then when his business failed, he couldn’t handle the hurt of it all. Why couldn’t we have struggled through the hurt together? I still don’t know why. There is one thing that I have learned from all this. Don’t EVER tell me..”THEY got a divorce. One person got a divorce. The other one was divorced upon!
Because God brought us together, even though he married again, and eventually I did, too, I would never have left him, and I would still take him back, if things ever changed that allowed such a circumstance, because our marriage dissolution has fractured so many areas of our lives… families, friends, and especially memories. I am left with such a very small ice floe on which to perch. Since the day that he told me that he no longer loved me, I have felt plastic. I have had to continually forgive, quote Scripture and keep trying not the let other things steal my joy. Well, this is where I am, and I keep trying to keep trusting God to lead me. I would sure like to have genuine happiness again before I die.
I completely feel the same way as you do, Nicolette. I never thought this would happen to me. I trusted my husband completely and the devastation and realization of uncovering his lies and deception have completely torn my heart to pieces. I love him, i will always love him and he says he loves me too. He, too is also saying and doing all the right things, but no matter how hard i want to push this nightmare out of my life and mind…it just doesnt seem to leave us. I want so much for it to be erased so that we can move forward. Im sick of talking about it and thinking about every waking moment of my life. How? How long must we suffer?? Havent we suffered enough? Will i ever be able to get past the pain?
My husband had an ongoing affair with my best friend for 2 years. I didnt just find out about it once….it was over a year of hell. Every time i would figure them out they would beg for forgiveness and i would give them that…..every time (about a dozen). I can not get past the fact that they took advantage of my genuine kindness and played me for a fool each time. Of course he says its over now. Im no longer her friend (was i ever?) and i want so much to believe him THIS time, but no matter what…no matter how nice he’s being, or how understanding of my pain he is, i still wonder when will the trust come back? My marriage will never make it if we dont get that back and i want so desperately to have it because im in love with this man. I struggle daily with thoughts of whether or not he loves me. The advice we get is to forgive……well i did forgive and it only gave them permission to continue the affair each time. Now that im finally not giving it so easily does he act as though he cant live without me. (We are currently seperated). We were married for 18 years, i thought happily. Is this just a midlife crisis? Was this just boredom and need for change? I forgave him so easily because i thought that was maybe the case and i was willing to stand by his side through the challenges and changes that life throws at us, but at what point do i recognize that im not just being the understanding wife, im actually just his doormat.
I just want the pain to go away. When does it go away??? I’ve been living with this pain and heartache for a year and a half now. We’ve only just recently seperated and ive decided that i cant let him back in my home and bed until i can trust again. How long does that take? Im lonely and there are times i consider finding what I need elsewhere, just as he had. Our marriage will never make it if i become weak to that idea……why couldnt he be strong for us like im being??
Anyway, like Nicolette said….this isnt easy.
I too have the healing issue dealing with. I leave it to God and every now and then (daily!) I seem to replay what I know and what I don’t know. How can I heal? As was said before by Clar I have to now be consciously and purposely putting the thoughts aside and seek help from God, friends and avenues like this in the how to move past this since I am destined to remain married to the same man who cheated in mostly an emotional, flirtatious way but who knows what else. Also in the midst of all this is an ‘outside child’ just confirmed and after 9 years to find a 4-year old (funny enough I have adapted to her and she to me I am now Mommy, I took her in). Worse to me though unbelievably is the reflection of why he cheated with these women? One day I wish we can sit and talk it out for now it is one day at a time until we really talk about the whole issue. Forgiving is hard. Dealing with it should help. I need to know to really heal.
I find myself wondering why I am so hurt by my discovery of my husband’s emotional affair. Am I overreacting? I have his word on his mother’s grave that there was no sex involved, and I know of many women whose husbands were physically unfaithful. This should be my “it could have been worse” scenario, but almost a year ago next month, I still find myself being hurt, angry, and wondering what could have made him so enthralled with this(homely) divorced woman, that he would be so comfortable interacing with her. They worked on the same job. What do I need to do to get rid of this pain?
Thank you Betsy Patterson! I really felt alone, like no one else felt this before – where the husband is ungrateful even resentful towards the forgiving mate. You’ve given me hope.
I will hang in there.
I like Von find myself wondering sometimes if I am overreacting to the things my husband has done, text-messaged a woman (half my age) for over a year, sometimes 30-40-50 times a day, when caught he swore that’s all it was that they were “just friends” and that I was the one causing the problems by overeacting. He swore she meant nothing to him and that it would stop but then 2 month later I find out that they are still texting and that he had been giving her money and was making plans to meet her. Now I find out he has also been on a website where people rate how “hott” each other are and then converse on there (let me note that the women are mostly in bikins, ligerie, etc)…he again claims this is nothing that should bother me. I feel completely betrayed, he had sexual affairs in the early years of our marraige (we have been married 22 years) and honestly this hurts just as bad (he doesn’t understand that). I feel friends of the opposite sex should be kept at a certain distance and there should be a line somewhere, he has pretty much said as long as he’s not having sex with them it shouldn’t concern me. I think when you get to close you set yourself up for failure.I don’t really have the time to explain the whole situation but really need some advice…am i overreacting???
I wish it was easy to get the thoughts of what he did out of my head, I wish it never happined but I have to look at what I have now and grow from here. Forgivness is a gift you give yourself. Its easy for people who have never been here to say I wouldnt stand for that I would be gone, I was one of those people but here I am . There is not one answere for everyone stay or leave but I had to step back and look at what I was letting him do to me and I realized I gave him way to much power. I am in control of my feelings. Yes it hurt it hurt like hell but I cant let it take over my life. I want to trust him but I know it has to take two . I have to give it to god and let him lead me. we are growing closer like the friends we never were befor thats great because we have a child together. I know a child would rather come from a broken home then live in one
It is difficult to ‘forget’ the lies and infidelity, even tho, now, our marriage is ’supposedly’ on the mend. He is sorry only because he got caught, not because he hurt me. We both had bad experiences as children, but do not feel that this is an excuse to deliberately hurt one or the other. I have overcome most of my childhood id…he has not and that continues to haunt our marriage. I know, if things do not drasticly change, soon, he will seek another women, again, and that will bring this marriage to a close. He doesnt tell me what he likes or wants. He will tell me how he feels, only if I ask. Our communication is better than it was, but certainly, not enough.
Cheating ? I never thought I would step outside my marriage. My husband and I had been married 11 years when I chose to have an affair. I am not proud of my decision but I would tell anyone never say it want happen to them. My husband is a good person,provider and father but feels there is no need to put effort into our relationship. Overtime, I have dealt with this and smooth everything over. I had an opportunity for a promotion at work which made me work an opposite schedule than his. During this time, is when I began to stray. I realized how lonely I had been. My husband never has intiated intimacy in our marriage ! I wanted to know what it was like to be desired and wanted. I also wanted to know what passionate lovemaking would be like. Does it make it right, no it makes you human. I accept responsibilty for what I have done and I struggle daily with my inner-self and how I view myself. Somedays are good and somedays are bad (lots of tears have been shed) It doesn’t make me a bad person or a person with NO morals or values. I told my husband about the affair and he could hardly believe that I would have allowed someone into our perfect world. I do believe that people who stray are missing something in their relationship. Sometimes no matter how much you communicate your needs they go unheard and ignored. People get stuck in a ” RUT” and stop trying to please each other. I am not sure where I will be 6 months from now, but I hope I can recover from the damage this has done to me. I wonder if anyone has these same feelings. Sometimes it can be a lonely road. It isn’t your typical conversation at a dinner party. No one likes to be judged. No one likes to make mistakes..How do you go on and get pass them when you do ?
My heart really goes out to the number of individuals who have been afftected by the various ways that trust in marriage has so often been treated like a disposable commodity easily replaced at Wal-mart. Trust and respect are the main nutrients in the soil for genuine love to grow in, forgiveness is the water and the truth is the sunshine… but it requires both husband and wife to cultivate it continually through out the marriage. As the Word says “you will reap what you sow”.
I understand pain & needs not being met, but when you get married you are asked to “forsake” all others. Marriage is work, and do cheaters really think that they will not have an “issue” with someone else given time? Yes, being “chased” is exciting we all want to be needed, desired & loved, and why can’t it be your spouse? I think every situation has merit, and sometimes it has nothing to do with a need not being met by a spouse. Sometimes the spouse has such low self esteem issues that outside attention will always be an issue, so therefore unless one becomes responsible for their own esteem issues marriage will not work with anyone. I also think one of the problems with “cleaving” to your spouse is you lose the very person they fell in love with, for instance you might always watch what they want to watch on tv, go where they want to do, etc. etc., dress or decorate with their likes, you get the point? You have to live as a seperate being as well, or when things like this happen you will be “left empty”. I think it really comes down to the question are you the person they fell in love with, “it is the secret” happiness attracts happiness, despair attracts despair. Would you want to be married to you? That is what I had to ask myself and I didn’t like my answer. Childhood issues and birth order, have a heck of a lot of influence on how we relate with our spouses, children, friends & co-workers. Sometimes you have to read body language, tone to get the real meaning of what is being said. I think in a great sense in marriage you give up trying to be that exciting person who wasn’t afraid to try new things and I think that is why we fall in love, that person helps us to feel “electric” and I truly belive if YOU just worry about yourself and pull away a “little” if the spouse was meant to be yours they will look at you the way they did when you fell in love, and IF not you will be healthy enough to heal and find what you deserve and that is to have someone who truly will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Over the years he has had SEVERAL affairs, and REGUARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS, I have been a faithful and dutiful wife.
I have FORGIVEN to the point where I REFUSE to look over it anymore. Still, he has promised and promised,he will stop, he just needs a little more time…… HELLO, If it takes that much time obviously the feelings between him and his Lover are pretty deep. I don’t feel the LOVE I always felt, and to be HONEST, I don’t think TRUST can even be restored.
I am talking about the LOVE of MY life, a MAN that I choose to spend my life with and this is the thanks I get…….. I have always heard it said “what a man can’t have at home he will find it somewhere else” HE has always told me he could’nt ask for anything more……. again, another lie, because if that were the truth, he would have never “stepped” out at all.
Now he wanders why I show no affection. He has recently been seeing a female that is young enough to be his daughter, and already has her brain washed. She calls him anytime she wants, and he calls her as well. (but tells me he has no contact with her) I am SO tired of the lies…. The way I see it…. if you can’t be faithful, BE SINGLE. Which is what he is about to be.
In December, it became very obvious that my husband was seeing another woman. One evening I asked him and he very willingly answered,” yes”. He immediately started the process to move out but didn’t move out until mid-February. During this time he continued to see this woman although he swears they weren’t physical anymore. I was devastated and continue to be. A month after he moved out he casually started to move back in. It wasn’t until I asked him about the over night sleepovers on my couch that he replied, “I’m here, I’m here to stay.” I allowed him to come back home but during the time that he was gone I realized a lot of things. I realized that although I love him. I too wasn’t happy. I realized that I had settled for what he offered. I am a very loving and romantic person and my husband is the total opposite. I’ve always wanted more from him but I accepted him the way he was. So now that he is back home, I paid all the cards on the table. I accepted him thinking that he couldn’t or wasn’t the type to go out on dates and that he couldn’t be affectionate. But by him having an affair proved to me that he was capable of doing all these things but CHOSE to NOT do them with me, his wife. Now I’ve realized that I love him dearly and that I truly want to forgive him and get pass this, however, I’ve realized that I want and deserve to have a lovely and romantic husband. He promised to change, to IMPROVE. But I still hurt everyday, I question everything he tells me, and I do not trust him. Everyone says, “You have to let it go”. But how can we really let go? How can we really forgive when it hurts so bad and we do not forget?
So many stories, so many lives affected, and yet when we’re going through this we all feel so alone!
My husband had an affair with a coworker 14 years ago. It was hard, but in order to heal our marriage, I had to face the fact that some of this was due to our problems together. I wanted to blame him completely, but to be honest with myself was to realize that I had been pushing him away. We struggled for a long time with this problem, and it still comes up once in a while when he thinks I’m trying to make him feel guilty about it again. I think he carries it with him still because he, like many others I’ve read about here, never really took responsibility for his actions at the time.
We recently have gone through another problem like this, but where I had become involved with a male coworker in an emotional affair. It has not been easy to admit to myself or my husband that I had feelings for this other man, so much so that I was neglecting my marriage and my family. I’m not proud of what happened, and really hate that I put him and myself in this situation, but I know that I can only blame myself for choices I made. He now wants me to “own up” to what I did and admit things to him that never happened because he doesn’t or can’t believe that my connection with this man was never physical.
I had thought that we’d be past problems like this when we were able to survive his infidelity earlier on in our marriage, but I guess a relationship is never immune to falling apart for any reason.
Someone said to forgive is Divine! On Sunday, in front of my pc, I prayed for strength and guidance and on Monday I found this article. Later, whilst browsing in a book shop, I came accross a book, entitled “Radical Forgiveness”, which I proceeded to squizz through.
From everyone’s comments on this article, I see how infidelity, physical and emotional, hurts both parties, regardless of the motivations, circumstances or rationalisations of each of the parties involved. Life is about Love and Love is a choice. It is possible to love someone who is unable to love you back in the way that you feel you may need to be loved. It’s just that it is difficult not to take it personally or to make assumptions as to why you are the recipient of this behaviour. Forgiving and letting go of the past is the only way to heal and the people that hurt us the most are our greatest teachers. Our beliefs attract people who will mirror our own thinking. Feelings of resentment, fear, criticism & guilt arise out of our desire to blame others rather than take responsibility for our own experiences. A forgiveness affirmation courtesy of Louise L Hay is “I forgive you for not being the person I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.” I did this exercise with my own name too – and that made me cry even more!
My situation is much like Snookie. I can relate to what she said. I am currently separated from my husband. He initiated this, and it was a complete and utter surprise. No, we did not cheat on each other to my knowledge, but he encourages me to go out and to find someone to “flirt with”. I have found someone that I care about that is inappropriate for me, as he is much younger than I am. However, my love is my husband, and the other person understands this. I only see him in gatherings and am not planning on pursuing a relationship or continuing the flirtations. What will it lead to? My husband seems to get his kicks from hearing that other people find me attractive. He walked out on me after 10 years together, and he is still in touch with me and tells me he loves me and wants us to work out our issues. I am very much confused. I am also hurt because he broke the trust I had in him when he walked out. I came from a family where my father was an alcoholic, an abuser to my mother, and was never there for us. I have major trust issues and built-up anger. Is it any wonder that I might have trouble letting this go and trusting him again?
Wow, it really is difficult to read all of these sad chapters in your lives.
I am sorry for the pain you have all felt. I saw the headline of this article, and thought about hope for a moment, as we all have, and can quickly see how this type of pain cuts too deeply and endures.
It makes me wonder why we are wired to feel so much…
My bf of almost 2 1/2 years, has been my first real hope of ever having a potential marriage, I have been in three long term relationships prior to him, and never felt as though they were a fit.
But along he came, pursuing me endlessly, and won my heart.
He is in so many ways my equal, and has been so emotionally devoted and available to me, and seemed to put the relationship first,we were sexually compatabile,laughed like crazy together, have always had long connected conversations and views on life, he’s also the man I ever seriously thought about having children with….which we discussed deeply. A connection made straight out of the Notebook.
I am a realist, I have had enough bumps along the way of life, not to place too many expectations on people, but he was the exception to the rule.
Then the cloth started to fray…and I found out he had a porn addiction.
This was something in our intimate sharing that was a troubled topic for me, as it had been part of the demise of my previous relationship.
So not only was I hurt from the discovery, it was a direct hit to the respect of my needs as a human being.
Then the lies poured out, it was his brothers, he didn’t do it, his brother’s friends, virus in the computer…blah blah blah…
and the more he denied it, the angrier I became, incensed…and I left.
To me that type of excessive/compulsive habitual need for release is an addiction, and also how putting the porn as a priority no matter the effect in his life was frightening.
This was too difficult to deal with, but like so many of you, I loved him deeply(still do) and tried to believe the lies, well it happened several times, and once bad enough that I didn’t speak to him for over a month and he arranged counseling for us, and also separate for himself.
We have been going for the past five months and it has been sooooo sad, and trying, and I have felt the fears, the loneliness, but in the month I was away, I actually became hopeful that I would be okay without him. But I let his seemingly true desire to want to stop,to give it a final try.
In these past five months, my physical desire has hit rock bottom, I have to constantly resist the urge to check up on him, and I hold him at a distance, when we used to be so close and comfortable around each other.
We both feel the pain of it, and is very sad, because as the outside world sees us, we seem like the happiest couple and can see our love for each other.
But what they don’t see is the tears just ready to burst, my silent prayer to remove the memories from my head, and the sign to let me know we will be okay.
Well the sign came in the form of a porn DVD tucked between his mattress last week, after we had discussed a trial living together, and taking one week off from therapy to just “be” together.
So all that money we spent on therapy for the last five months, all that coming together, late night talks, tears and apologies from him just resulted in his deception yet again, and my inability to trust him enough not to look.
Then he said to me when I confronted him,…my brother put it there. So he couldn’t even face his own truth to me.
I had to leave him this week, and any of you who have left the person you hold most dear to you in this type of a state, being deeply, honestly in love,and feeling a part of another’s being just plain sucks. Period.
My heart hurts, and the question remains to be answered by me can trust be regained, rebuilt after an affair, or trauma like ours?
Not for this sad girl, not at all…
I can’t make excuses for him, just know what I feel and do I want to stay in a situation that makes me feel that badly, and again the answer is no. So I made the hard choice, and now will try to live by it.
I wish you all peace and solace in your lives too.
I found out my husband had been checking out singles chat lines. I also found out he met with a woman. he denied it. I forgave him. For a short while sex was good he was going to go to counceling and be open with me about his feeling. Once again I feel betrayed. We are not having sex again he has not gone to counceling. All promises broken. I think he back doing his old tricks but has gotten better at hiding them. Give me advise i’ve tried everything and am at a lose.
It is so sad to see how prevalent infidelity is in our world. It causes so much pain, but it continues to go on.
After I discovered my husband’s affair and we were in counseling, I wanted him to answer all sorts of questions I had about what he and the other woman did. He didn’t think it was a good idea for me to have all that information, so he asked the counselor about it. That wise man told me that I should consider each detail that my husband told me as going on an index card and into a file cabinet to which the enemy has access. Whenever he (the enemy-Satan) wants to, he can pull out a card and show it to me (and he does, beleive me), keeping the memories of what happened ever so fresh in my mind; and, thus, keeping the pain fresh, severe and never-ending.
I didn’t listen to that wise counselor, and continued to ask question after question. I wanted to know exactly what I was dealing with. So, with each new detail that I learned, more pain was felt, and more power was given to the enemy. It has been over 4 years now, and I continue to deal with the memories and the pain that they cause. I do, however, try to look at it differently lately – I try to visualize an index card being shown to me by the enemy in hopes that I will give up and end my marriage. I then try (really try, but am not always successful) to mentally push it back to him and not look at/remember whatever the thought is that I am having. My husband is truly trying to regain my trust and showers me with attention and love. I really didn’t need to know all of those details, but at the time I thought I did. Our marriage deserves better than what those index cards are trying to accomplish.
If any of you readers are dealing with a recent affair, this might be worth considering. Remember that each detail you learn can be placed on an index card by Satan and used against you in the future – over and over and over. He’ll never give them up. If you believe that you have a marriage worth saving, then concentrate on the future, not on the bad things of the past. It’s so very difficult to stop the pain that comes from knowing the details of an affair, as we can all see from these posts. If the offender is truly repentant and there is genuine love between the two of you, then all that stuff should just stay packed away and hidden…while we concentrate on building a better marriage and a better life together.
With God’s help and guidance, I believe we can do it.
I have read comments here filled with anger, sadness, confusion, love, shock….from men and women. For the all of us here, we should be allowed to express what we need to say without judgement–some writers use very aggressive, capitalized words towards specific writers who express opinions that do not agree with theirs–all of us need to breathe because the hurt and pain and emotions are very real, very much in need of validation, but remember these people are not the one who hurt you so dearly. Don’t transfer that anger. I know–easier said than done.
Why am I here? My first marriage ended as a result of cheating and I can blame him or myself until I am blue in the face but once it has happened, it has happened. We try to learn, and move on. We need to, as wives or husbands, take empowerment of our lives and make sure we will not settle for less than happiness in the future.
I am here because of my second marriage I am in, his second as well. He broke the trust issue with some of the absolutely worst things he could say to me as his wife and mother of his child, things from a past long before I knew him, of my social circle and dating experiences. His insults and horrible sexual slurs are jealousy based, I think also in conjunction with turning 40 this month, something he has not handled well. I am younger than him, and he reminds me of it every chance he gets.
I also have a history of depression issues, somethng I have always managed to get help for and control, but new problems arose, and again, the most hurtful things he could say for the situation to deliberately hurt me, by his admission, were said, not to be forgotten. Same baloney, different sandwich.
How has this hurt my marriage? He betrayed my deep emotional trust with the most vulnerable issues in my life that I was always open about. He uses these vulnerabilities against me when it hurts most and admits it. Then, in the next moment, he expects a hug, kiss, lovemaking as if everything is fine. The mental blocks that go up block any intimacy possible, and despite attempts at communication, solo and as a couple, nothing. He refuses couples therapy because the last time we tried that, we were told we should be divorced and he became very irate.
I feel punished for in his eyes, I am used goods. I am the second woman he has ever been with. My past is different than his, and not to be on trial here or anywhere. I refuse to apologize for it, and I do not talk about it. I respect him despite his lack of respect for me.
I love him to death, and my first divorce devastated me. I know the second will be just as hard emotionally if it came to it. I am emotionally withdrawn, physically shut down, and feel the most unloved I ever have. I always try to give him what he needs and I told him that if he feels the need to cheat on me, please just tell me and let me know so we can be prepared for the fallout. I am emotionally dead and trying to restart the romance pulse. yet, I can’t look at him without contempt and bewilderment as to why he cut to my very existence to win an argument by the pain he caused, while trapped in a car for 3 hours leaving Cape Cod when he did this.
If anyone is vulnerable to an affair right now, it would be me. To feel a man touch me or listen to me or hug me or care to know about me right now would be pushing me over the edge. I have not, but could not guarantee I wouldn’t. Men out here will probably judge me and yell at me. Women would do the same I expect. I respect your opinions, but your opinions do not make you right for everyone else’s life and situation. We should all listen without anger or judgement. For all you religious writers, the only one capable of judging is God, not us.
You can disagree, agree, or hate me even–I know we ALL have been hurt. I wanted to share my pain as well as my weakness. Self-honesty is a very humbling thing, isn’t it?
How do I get past this ..
I just discovered a 15 year affair that my husband has had….while he kept me busy with many moves and children’s schooling….he had two children by this woman ….now he says he does not want to leave me and has told her that from the beginning.
So he has to see those kids but his also seeing her even on a limited basis is killing me….
How can we reconcile when each contact she makes to inform him of the children is like ripping open this wound…..I found out by accident and we have been dealing with it for almost four months…
I asked him to wait to tell her so we could deal with it first between us.
I have had no counselling because many of those are more damaging than helpful.
In reading the above women responses it really hits home in my situation. Although i have not broken my vows with another woman, maybe just maybe i broke those vows with my career.
For the entire 14 years of my marriage, i was fixated on chasing the almighty dollar. I honestly thought that being the best, getting that promotion, making that extra money would make things easier on my wife and children. Well that all came to a crashing halt a year and a half ago when she pulled away from me emotionally and physically. We are now separated. The last four months have been hell. If there was a way to make it up to her, I would.
I have asked for forgiveness and received anger in return. I want my marriage to work to the point that I have been in theropy for over a year. Nothing seems to work. I want to ask where i stand now, but am afraid of the answer. I figure the separation is punishment. I wish i knew how to get past the anger.
Forgiving my husband, yes , but trust maybe it will take time. I found the true love from God and learnt how to forgive my husband. He’s cheating me over and over and he never sleeps with me and my children regularly. But who cares of what he is doing? The more important thing for me is I’m very much happy with my three wonderful children and busy with my job. I’m happy because God gave me this peace in my heart and a heart to forgive my husband. The more I think about him the more stronger I am to face the world. Sometimes, I used to see my husband that he is staring at me and it seems liked he is wondering and thinking of something was wrong since he never see me now crying and asking too much about his extra curricular activities. I won in the eyes of the Lord because I know how to be humble and how to forgive my husband. I can looked at my husband’s eyes straight forward but my husband can’t looked at me. I’m just hurting myself every time I’m thinking of his womanizing so this time no more blues but smile and happy face. And think of the Lord as a good provider and counsellor of mine. But maybe someday I can trust him the way I trust him before.
My husband of 14 years admitted to me last fall that he cheated on me. I was devastated. It put me into such a depression, that I wound up in the hospital. We seperated for four months. We have been back together since February and our marriage is stronger than ever. We appreciate each other more. I feel that when someone strays, there is an underlying reason for it. Ours was that we allowed our everyday lives to get in the way: jobs, kids, bills, etc. To keep a marriage alive, you need to really work on it and put each other first, no matter what. Our experience was an eye-opener for us because we realized how much we truly loved and missed each other when we were seperated and it taught us not to take each other for granted.
Mike….you are feeling pain like all of us h ere have felt at some point. You ask how you can deal with the anger. I do not know you and your wife, or what may have happened. This might work for you (and others) or not at all, but merely a suggestion. Write a letter to your wife, or your career, or all the factors you feel led to your separation. Be honest, open, detailed, as complete as you can. Put it in an envelope and seal it. Then, burn it. Light it up on fire, as symbolism to let it go. You release the pain, the hurt, the anger. Out of the ashes rises the new beginning whatever it may be, like a phoenix rising out of the ashes to survive and live life anew. I know it might sound like a silly idea, but it has worked for me on some issues. It might help, and isn’t that why we are all here?
Andrea…you have a rare gem in your marriage from what I have read here. I am smiling as I read your posting, because you have done what most of us on here wished would happen with our marriages. I hope with all sincerity you live out the rest of your lives together in wedded bliss and happiness. Best of luck to you.
Broken promises hurt alot, I have experienced them in many different ways. I was disapointed that the article did not specify boundaries. In the beginning of a relationship there should be boundaries set up. The best marriages that I know of are ones that have prevention as a key.
Hi Andrea: I admire ur strength thru all of ur troubles. I am amazed that maybe we need some time apart to just figure it out. I do know that perhaps the bills, his job and long working hours and making time for his parents and his son and me just overwhelmed him. I don’t know, but I keep my fingers crossed. GOOD LUCK TO U AND UR NEW FOUND LOVE AGAIN!
I never would have thought for one moment htat I would be up here sharing the same hurt and sorrow with all of you. I have been married not even 2 years and I just gave him a baby not even 5 mos ago. I always stood by his side. Supported him and any decisions he choose to make. Im beautiful, smart, an awesome mother to my three children. I feel so shot down. Im just now finding all this out. He was creating dating profile saying he was divorced with children at home looking for someone to cook and clean for him all awhile im here like a fool. He said she meant nothing to him. He said he didnt even know her. He was not drunk. and ignored my calls while I was calling him over and over. Its so hard to even look at him and not feel sick. Ive been so upset and he just sits there like no biggy! He did this to us. It being so shocking is what hurt. Knowing that he didnt love me hurts the most. I still belive there was something more there to just a one nighter cause he didnt even use protection he said….after he came home and had unprotected with me….what if she has an STD??? How could he think so less of me? I feel as though I am the one fighting to make this work…Like I have to tell him what I need to hear from him….I dont feel loved. I feel so alone hurt and so ashamed I tried getting advice from friends we do want to go get help professionally with this but still the thought in the back of my head says “if he loved you he wouldnt have” and he is going to do this again…..Where do I find the streangth and stability when all Ive worked for, every memory feels like never happened it was all a lie….I do prey to god that this happened for a good reason…maybe hell realize now….I was the one who always had to beg for affection or intimacy…..how could he do this to me????Anyone have any advice for me?
Advice for Amy [and anyone else who wants to read]: My husband and I went through the discovery of his affair a few years ago.
One of the absolute BEST self-help books I have ever read on how to get over an affair is, “Not Just Friends”, by Dr. Shirley Glass. She mentions several times that affairs can happen in really good marriages. She explains the slippery slope of unintentionally winding up in an affair, when the relationship merely started out as being friends. She talks about boundaries that you need to have in order to protect your primary relationship. She talks about how some men view themselves as being a “rescuer”. That was my husband. There are some striking similarities between his high school girlfriend, his wife [me], and his former mistress. All 3 of us needed to be rescued from very bad situations, or so it looked to him.
We both married very young and we thought that love was enough. We didn’t know that marriage required an enormous amount of work.
I cannot begin to tell you how much we have grown from this experience. When I emailed a very well-known therapist online about my situation, she told me that until I figured out why this situation was in my life, that I would not heal. She explained that everything happens in life for a reason.
While praying one day, I asked the Lord to tell me what I was supposed to learn from this experience. The answer shocked me – it was forgiveness. I thought I knew what forgiveness was. I have always thought of myself as a very forgiving person, but the discovery of my husband’s affair was the acid test. It has not been easy, but yes, I have forgiven him.
When I think of how close I came to completely destroying my entire family if I had made a permanent decision to end the marriage while in one of my many rages, it scares me half to death. The damage would have been horrendous.
IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME TO HEAL FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ANY RASH DECISIONS. [One therapist mentioned on his website that it can take between 2 - 4 years to get over something as shocking as an affair].
My husband and I will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary soon. I am extremely grateful that I allowed myself to heal and get the help I needed. I was in therapy for many months, read countless books, and prayed a lot.
Here’s a quote from KeepYourMarriage.com [I'm sorry, I cannot remember the name of the therapist at that website]:
“. . .You and your mate both have important life lessons to learn from your relationship. That’s why you found each other – to learn those important life lessons. . . ., it’s no accident that you and your partner found each other. It wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a mistake. It’s exactly what you needed to be pushed or kicked through the doorway of change–to get you to go to your next stage of growth and development.”
Now, how’s that for a different concept? I have never in my entire life thought that marrying the man that I did would help me grow and develop – that is, until now.
“This, too, shall pass.” The first time I saw my therapist, I told him that I never thought I would be able to be happy again in this life. I really believed that at the time. I now know that that is not true. I AM happy.
And YOU CAN, ONE DAY, BE HAPPY AGAIN, TOO.
It takes alot of work, alot of soul-searching, alot of introspection, but it can be done.
I am living proof.
Hi Amy: I know exactly what u r going thru..I have always had to ask for affection, the hugs, the sex, the I Love You’s….I was always there for him as well and we only 1 child. I don’t know where I have found the strength, but I guess I would have to say in my son. It is for him, that I keep that smile and facade of happiness on my happiness, but my son makes my day….My husband doesn’t even talk to me unless spoken too. He still lives in the same house with me, while he has an apartment and he has told me for over 3 months, that tomorrow he is going or this weekend. He used to call me all the time from his old job, now I barely get a call from him. Sometimes, I feel the need to talk to him for he was my best friend and feel so betrayed and alone…I cannot see myself with anyone else, for we have been together for 15 years. Married 10. I do believe that GOD has a plan for us a very good one and we all need to just be strong, take it one step at a time…I say this now, but I have had my moments where I feel like I am mourning a loss. I feel like he died and most of the time, I cannot even look at him anymore…..He is a complete stranger to me. Sometimes I also notice that he doesn’t even have the strength to play with his own son. It’s bothersome. The pain and the hurt feels really bad….Amy, all i can say is that I know what u r going thru, but ur children r ur priority right now. I stayed home to raise our son, and cleaned and played house while he was galavanting online and at work and after work and god knows what else.
Hang in there amy…..
i think there ia no justification for cheating onyour partner. you made a committment before God and man to abide and love so what has changed for one to seek love outside that committment. it is totally wrong. what about the affected spouse.would he take it if the other cheated instead. so there is no justification. cheaters should learn to respect a marriage bed and keep it holy. as for forgiven yes you can frogiven but very hard to forgot and any mistaken will always trigger the pain over and over again. it is very difficult to build broken trust i have been there before.
In my case , I was the one that had an affair. I did not get caught. I told her about it. I had ahard time and still do have a hard time dealing with this everyday. I have my reasons why i did it. We were at a point in our lives where communication broke down.
She took me for granted and i felt like she didn’t love me anymore. I would even joke around with her about having an affair . In my own mind i was trying to tell her that i need more. But i didn’t know how. I was in a position where somone else was talking to me. She was there for me. Althought it does not justify what i did , i do have my reasons. I do consider myself a good father, a good provider. I did love her no matter what . She was asingle mom of 2 kids and it didn’t matter to me. I just knew she was the one the for me. Sympathy is not was i’m looking for. I was hoping for a reconcaliation with her. It’s not something that we sweep under the rug. We talked about it and i tried to be the best husband i could. I just failed miserably. But now i’m living in my own hell alone. I do have the kids and they keep alive .
Why does everyone think they all have to Forgive and Forget? or just Forgive?
HOGWASH!!! There is another option— Just move on.
Even though I cannot financially afford to leave, I’ve left in my heart. I still love him, and still live with him,
but the sweetness and trust is dissolved forever, just like a sugarcube in your coffee.
What kills me is all the women blaming themselves for, ‘what didnt’ I provide? what emotional/ physical needs did I not give him, that made him look outside the relationship?’ 3 shrinks, 4 doctors, and his mother all asked me “Why did he feel the need to look elsewhere’?”
After torturing myself for years, I can now say- He didn’t. He just did.
He had it all. He just wanted more.
‘m not letting him off the hook ‘for just being a man’ or being weak because sex is all too easy to find on the internet, or because there’s too many loose women. Again, why are we blaming it on other women!
As a friend of mine who recently lost her boyfriend to another woman who ’stole’ him said,
“well, I guess the point is… he couldn’t have been stolen, if he wasn’t stealable.”
He gambled it all.
He lost it all.
He now admits – it was entirely his choice. He wishes there was an ‘undo’ button.
It’s been nearly 4 years.
You don’t heal. You don’t ever feel right. You just… move… on.
I am going through a very painful divorce from a marriage of five years. I have serious issues with guilt due to an affair i’ve had. I’ve been reading several posts about holding on and getting through the tough times. I’ve been pondering reconciliation but only if all the cards are on the table, which would mean exposing my affair. every women i’ve talked to about this tells me not to tell my husband because he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth and therefore, never be able to forgive me. but isn’t that the right way to go? I find it hypocritical to expect him to be open and honest with me without telling him the truth about my own lies. I know two wrongs don’t make it right, but he has hurt me deeply in the past and the fact that I haven’t been able to forgive him ultimately led me astray.
There are NO undo buttons, been looking for 25 years.Listen to this, folk have problems. Don’t waste time. Is your wife or husband still alive? Then theres still hope. After you finish reading this, as soon as! go and tell them how you feel about them. Do you still love them??Do you? After they are gone….dead…in the cold casket, their ears are no longer able to hear! There is no more sparkle in their eyes! The warmth has left their body! You can yell and scream all you want into that box but THEY WILL NEVER HEAR YOU! Don’t wait another minute! You might be surprized what this might do for you and yours!
Don’t read another book til you read ‘FORGIVE AND FORGET’ By Lewis Smeades. On amazon.com you can get it used for 1$ If you read this and if you can’t forgive then it is not possible. But it is. I promise this book will turn you around! It explores forgiveness from absolutely EVERY angle. Order this book today!!!!!!!!!!!!!Then pass it in to someone else. I plan to donate mine to our local library. Another is FORGIVE FOR GOOD by Fred Luskin. I struggled for 25 years and these books helped me. I guarantee there is something in these books that will turn you around. I could not read these without sobbing, my book pages are stained with the very tears I cried, mainly because I could not put the book down til I finished and my back was so tired I had to bend forwards and my tears dropped onto the pages.ORDER THESE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thanks for sharing