The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse
Stop to consider your last fight with your wife. The exact subject may escape you at the moment. We understand. After a while, the spats — over bills, your job, her parents or the dishes still in the sink — can all blur together. But contrary to popular belief, it’s not the amount of conflict in your marriage or what you argue about that determines your relationship’s survival rate. According to marriage researchers, how a couple fights tends to be the best predicator of whether they’ll end up enjoying their golden years together or battling it out in divorce court. So learning to fight less may not be quite as important as learning to fight fair.
Four Deadly Sins of Marriage
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.
Horseman #1: Criticism
The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together — day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.
Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person’s behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an “I” instead of “you”: “I get so frustrated when you are driving and don’t know where you are going.” See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though “I” statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.
Horseman #2: Contempt
You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn’t put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.
As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution.
Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.
The Secret to Fighting Fair
Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make “repair attempts” during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.
Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, “I’ve been cranky all day, can we start over?” It can be as simple as saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this” or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.
Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don’t become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, “Better bend than break.”
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29 Responses to “The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse”
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Dear Sirs / Madam
Thanks for your articles.
I was one of those pple who ended up quarrelling and fighting as a means to determine / prove to my partner that i loved her. Now your article has taught me how to handle my marital matters
Once again thank and teach me more
Thought provoking, and very true. I live with the four horseman, they are regulars in my marriage, I think I even pained their corrals recently. It is my desire to have them leave my “ranch” completely, however there is so much damage due to infidelity (on his part) and all that comes with that that all seems lost. Forgiveness is there, but reconciliation is difficult when our foundation has been wrecked and now trampled under “hoof”.
My husband and I have been married for two and one half years. Both of us left toxic marriages (my husband was gay) and spent the first year of our relationship dumping the frustrations of that marriage on each other and talking for hours about how we never wanted to repeat those battles.
Old habits, especially those that are formed in deep seated, intimate places, are hard to erase. However, we have a sort of “code” that we use when the conversation turns into conflict. If I find myself behaving like I did in my previous marriage, I will say, “Wait a minute. I forgot who I’m married to now!” And he will also say something similar. And if we notice a behavior in the other, we’ll ask to see his/her ID. That gives us a space to take a deep breath and remember that we are no longer in the grip of the first spouse’s poison.
We’ve never had a knock-down-drag-out fight. We stop it before we get to that point by reminding ourselves how much this marriage means to us and how we do not want to say or do anything that would injure it. Because we did nothing but talk during our first 18 months of seeing each other (I was in AIDS testing for a year, having had a false-positive on my first test, and would not take the chance of infecting him) we have built a system of communication that is healthy and open. Perhaps beginning again when one is in their 50s makes a difference as well. The benefit is that we both are as crazy in love as we were when we began to get serious about our relationship. I can’t wait for him to get home from work so that he can tell me about his day; he prefers my company to his old crowd of poker players, which is where he’d go for respite. We still have seperate interests, yet we feel like (and behave like!) teenagers when we are together.
Another thing that keeps us close is our shared, deep religious faith. We have a dream of opening a community of faith for those who are shunned by the church because of divorce. We are making plans for that to occur when my husband retires in a few years.
We believe that we have something very special and we want to nourish and prune it carefully. We didn’t meet through eHarmony, but we understand the holistic approach it embodies. And we are never too old or too jaded to realize that the feeding of our marriage is as necessary as feeding our bodies.
Thanks for this opportunity to tell you about us. Please keep the newsletter coming. We read it and see ourselves in some of the advice. God bless you for your concern that people find their soul mates.
This article is right on the dot. My spouse, even while we are separated still ride a couple or three of these horses. The one I have most problem with is the #2, contempt, it is so hurtfull that it scramble your head and makes you question yourself all the time to the point where you become very anxious around her. You are convinced that you became of so little value in her eyes that even moving on and using horse #3 (which I do: defenssive) does not help. Because you know you lost her respect. Consequence: We are divorcing, she left.
hey !!
that very much for mentionning sins of mariage I ‘m helped as someone who’s in decision making.
some of this behaviors was mine but I see the importance to put them away.
Keep sending to me the such messages!
Thanx!!
What does one do when 3 of the 4 has already ruined a relationship to the point of complete stonewall and loss of feeling and hope. Is there any way to repair that.
Thank you for that – it was very helpful to me.
Bless you
My marriage is coming up on its 24th year fairly soon…and we have had our share of difficulties, just as everyone has. My wife and I came from very different backgrounds, different kinds of families, different religious upbringings, but we are still together. I one of the things that has prevented These 4 Horsemen have come to visit our home on occasion, and will again, I’m sure, but the one thing that keeps them from moving in is this: We ask ourselves regularly, “Is the way I am acting toward my spouse the way I really want to treat the most important person in my life? Is there anything I can do to help my spouse be more successful? These questions, asked honestly and answered honestly, will help keep peace and a proper focus on both people…and they are definitely worth the time it takes to ask and answer them.
I went to the Gottman Institute in Seatle. Sadly, when it’s wrecked, the odds are not great of recovering a solid foundation, but learning more about it is bound to help you both. It may help you see if it is worth spending energy to fix or move on. Look up the Gottmans online. They are a husband wife team of PHd researchers who have all the answers on the subject.
When I read the 4 horsemen, I cried. It was like you were looking in my windows. How do you resolve this with someone who won’t discuss our problems? We’ve been married for almost 21 yrs. We have 2 teenage children. We’ve dealt with infidelity… I feel hopeless and unloved. I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to. The one person I keep reaching out to doesn’t seem to want me or care… I love him with all my heart but I’m so tired… I don’tknow how much longer I can do this. I need help !!
My second marriage of nearly 9 years is ending because of these 4 horsemen. He was guilty of criticism, contempt and defensiveness. Which after a while caused me to resort to stonewalling. I can honestly say that I have never disrespected, belittled, or made fun of him… ever. But he did those things to me… on a regular basis. Even when I tried to confront him (and I always used the “I” statements) he still couldn’t keep his toxic behavior in check. I knew he was capable. I’ve watched him interact with countless others and he is always respectful and friendly. So I know he knows how to do it. Why can’t he treat me and our children that way? This is what I don’t understand and what hurts the most. Now that I’ve finally had enough, he’s painting me as the bad person because I’ve stonewalled these past few years. I say it was necessary in order to keep him from walking all over me with the other 3 horsemen. Should the responsibility have been mine, to be his conscious, to be the relationship police and make him behave? I was as patient and generous as I could be. He just kept hurting me with his words and his attitude. I just don’t have anything left. I don’t think anyone can ever “get over” being disrespected continually in a relationship. It seems to hit you right in the middle of your sense of self worth.
Great article, I recently broke up with the love of my life. For the longest time i fooled myself into believing that i didn’t need her. recently I was a little more honest with myself and realized that i loved her more than i let myself believe. As i read your article I was confused as to the fact that neither of us showed any of these signs. Until i again i was honest with myself. Stonewalling was my biggest problem. I avoided all fights with her thinking that a fight was the worst thing that could happen, utill finally after 3 years everything came to a head and ended our relationship. The realization that i was so in love with her spurred me into finding out what my faults were and to do my best to fix them. I would like to thank you for this article because it pointed out a big problem that i never would have thought of with out it.
Bingo.
Very helpful article.
I just seperated from my marriage and now see why it didn’t work. What an eye opener to see how we both operated in these areas and how it brought a destructive destiny into full swing. Amazing to see how I can change and learn from mistakes and help any new partner to understand how destructive these four catagories really are in a relationship.
I’m married for the second time. My husband has a 40 yr old daughter, married with two children. Everytime we have a disagreement he runs to her. she wants us split up. she wants her dad to herself. My husband treats her like she is his wife and not me. We have no secrets whatsoever. I am a nobody. All plans are made between the two of them and I get told what the plans are and told I can join in if I wish or stay home. I am a nothing and a nobody in this home. The daughter resents me here in the house she grew up in. She has been moved out over 20 years yet feels she can come here, search through drawers and closets, do her own thing and I should allow her boys full rein of the house to do whatever they want and say nothing. Just cook and clean up after them and stay on the sidelines. Our first spouses were deceased for several years before we remarried. Help!
The truth hurts, but the truth shall set you free. I see in my own marriage where the four horsemen have entered. My wife and I met through eHarmony, and our marriage started after developing a foundation based on friendship. She is my friend, my wife, my companion, and my lover. Because she is my friend, I remember that I am not to esteem myself higher than her, I am to look to her best interests, and listen with an open mind and a soft heart. At first in our marriage I would jump to conclusions, I would burst in a fit of loud talking, perhaps slam something down, and this caused an environ of fear, the very thing I didn’t want to happen had begun, when a spouse is in fear, it undermines the trust very quickly, and will cause a gravitation towards emotional withdrawal. I have been forgiven of this, and I recognize that I must lead as the priest of the family by consistently humbling myself and seek forgiveness when I am wrong, and to talk out frustrations on a daily basis. We just celebrated 2 years, which I was told is a long time based on today’s standards and ever-increasing divorce rate. We do not consider divorce as an option, and because of this we are dually committed to making it work, and imput from EHarmony Marriage like this information, really really helps. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me make my marriage work.
I grew up watching my parents interact this way (stubborn angry critical sarcastic mopther and stonewaalling father struggling for space to survive). Consequently I wrecked 2 marriages and diminsihed my life because I didn’t know there was any other way to handle conflict. This wasn’t just normal behaviour, it was the only behaviour a,nd what made me crazier was whn I was argumentative, stubborn, critical and sarcastic — I got ciriticzed and attacked for it! Talk about making a kid nuts. My message: if you don’t fix this in your own marriage for yourselves, at least fix it — or learn the strength to SHUT UP — so you don’t miseducate your children that this is NORMAL! Repeat — if you can’t keep from saying something damaging, learn to have the self knowledge and self control to SHUT UP so you don’t make things worse…
Well I have done a wgole lot of talking and reading and things when I was still with my wife and it wasn’t till just at the end that I was given this information and GOD help me if we didn’t fall victim to these things and each and ever way to a point that has made it so we barely talk and it’s killing me cause of all that WE DID share and the real and genuine feelings that we had and I think in some way still have. My thing is how to we remedy these things and get back there? can you HELP!!!
Very thought provoking article. I will be using them as right now I am going through problems. God bless.
It’s wonderful coming across this article. Though I’m yet to get married but your article has gone a long way to expose some of the reasons while people find marriage difficult. I appreciate your work and I look forward to getting more articles from you.
Very good article. Yes, the four “horsemen” severely damaged my marriage and emotionally he and I have separated. We still live in the same house with our son who is carefully walking the tightrope between us. He had the first three horsemen and I had the last two. I am getting help professionally. He goes to his mother.
Hi! I am miserable and hate my marriage. I would rather live alone than be here with my husband at times. We have been married 22 years and have 2 teenage kids whom I love very much. I hate my life at times. I just want a good strong Christian man who loves spending time with his family and that is his priority. My husband is back slidden and would rather go out with his friends and to the bars than be with us. He acts like we have asked a terrible thing of him when we want him to spend time with us or with me. He doesn’t want to go out together with other couples (especially our Christian friends) but rather wants to go out alone with his friends (particularly a single divorced friend). At times I want to leave but don’t want to leave our kids, our home, or disrupt our lives, but this is the pits!
my husband and i are both guilty of the four horsemen.is there any possible way to save our marriage?we are at the moment seperated.
I just got done reading the article along with all the responses. It breaks my heart. I have been married for 4 years but it seems alot longer, and i’m not talking about in a good sense. We have both been guilty of the 4 horsemen along with cheating and a couple separations. The last time we separated and got back together I really tried to make it work. however I feel like all my efforts were for nothing. I have a hard time talking with my spouse for he is guilty of avoiding any conflicts we have, so they are never resolved. I am guilty of the name calling and not using I statements. It has gotten to the point that I feel as if I am living with a stranger, and I’m not even sure if I like him anymore…let alone love. Knowing this hurts me very deeply. In the beginning I could not believe how much I loved him or how much he loved me. It was the best relationship I had ever been in. He was the sweetest, most romantic man I had ever known. He was all I had ever dreamed about. But looking at him now I don’t see any of those things at all anymore. I have to admit we have both changed and I do not think there is any hope anymore in this marriage. I really wish I could wave a magic wand and take us back to how things were when we met, but that’s an impossibility and I know it. But this article will help me when I do move on into another relationship. But my question is this… How is it that we had let such a wonderfull relationship go to pot? What were the warning signs? And when is it too late to fix these things? I know that the resentments between my husband and I are too great to fix at this point, but where was the line and when did we cross over? Thank you and if you could send me literature on those questions with the answers I would appreciate it.
Article very informative, also scary. As a woman I am very sad & scared to know that the horsemen are pretty much all me. This is my 1st, my only marriage- divorce is not an option which is why i’d better straighten up!! Brian is a wonderful amazing man, he is so patient w/ me & loving- I know I am lucky. I am his ‘3rd times a charm’ marriage. At times baggage from those 2 come up, usually because I am pushing all buttons. Why do I do these things? The really sad thing is I know better, I have read & re-read enough self help books, I know all the signs of trouble & how to stay out of it , but don’t and I dont know why…
I am seeking help, counseling + learning on my own (sister told me about emarriage-thxs!).
Thanks all for sharing. Take care.
Thx, I have a better understanding of what I should not have done. Perhaps too late now, but hope the four will never come around again.
This was a very good article. One thing that I observed about a former boss of mine was the stonewalling thing. When that is done to me I feel crazy. I feel like I have done something terribly wrong and that there is not hope for changing it. I despise this kind of thing. I have never been very good at it myself. The thing I have to watch is the criticism. It is bad stuff. It is easy for me to slip into, this was a modeled behavior to me for my growing up years. Once again, great article.
The only thing I dont see is addressed is when only one spouse is providing the four horsemen. I tend to focus on an action, or specific incident that has upset me – and when this happens my spouse corrals the four horsemen against me. The only one I visit is stonewalling after my spouse unleashes 1,2 and 3 on me. So how do you get to fighting fair if its one sided?