In-Laws: The Step by Step Cure
Everyone knows that the month of May brings spring flowers and Mother’s Day. But how about October? Halloween? The first frost? Oktoberfest, maybe? The answer is Mother-in-Law Day. (The 4th Sunday of the month.) Now it would be easy to make a joke at the expense of the in-laws here. Something about witches or terrifying things that go bump in the night. So we won’t. Let’s just say we know in-laws aren’t always a treat so we’ve put together some of the best tips for protecting your marriage from their most common tricks!
Trick #1: Criticism
Some in-laws seem to think it is their right to critique each and every choice a couple makes. Sound familiar? This tends to be one of the top complaints we hear. Whether it’s how you make meatloaf or discipline your child, criticisms are attempts to undermine your authority and autonomy as a couple. When faced with consistent and recurrent digs — small or large, covert or explicit — it is vital to speak up. It usually works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to addressing issues like these. Each spouse needs to know that he or she will be supported by the other and not left out to dry during moments of confrontation like these.
Trick #2: Not accepting
The stress of trying to bond with in-laws who treat you like an outsider can be unbearable. Over time, it can make your spouse feel caught in the middle, which will weaken your marriage. If you find yourself facing this dilemma, it is important not to try to force the situation. Remember: in any relationship, there are two people who contribute to the dynamic. We can’t control the other personótheir feelings, their attitudes, their choices. We can only control ourselves. So, if there’s negativity coming your way from your in-laws, the bad news is that you can’t control it. You can, however, do your part to try to repair and/or build the relationship.
As a first step, ask for your spouse’s input. Explain that you’d like to do your part to develop a better relationship with his family, and that you would like his unique insight and support in doing so. The two of you should stop to consider if there is something you’re doing or saying that is pushing your in-laws away. Are you doing anything that might be perceived as threatening? Or disrespectful (e.g., breaking some unspoken family rule)? Or is it a matter of personalities clashing? Or is it rooted in resentment — the always popular “you stole my baby away” attitude?
When you have the “why” clear, consider how you might address the issue. Though awkward, addressing it head on may be the best option. Set up an open discussion with the resistant in-laws. Sit side-by-side with your spouse and discuss your common concerns. Approach this meeting from the perspective that you want to understand your in-laws’ thoughts, concerns, and feelings. Work together to address the issues with sensitivity, patience and willingness to compromise.
Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t expect too much too quickly. Remember, because unconditional love doesn’t naturally exist between in-laws, it’s a decision that must be made and then acted on daily. If matters still don’t improve, it may then be wise for you and your spouse to reevaluate the role these in-laws will play in your lives. This may be difficult for your spouse, and the last thing you want to do is force your spouse to choose between you and his extended family. However, you need to ensure every individual in your life contributes to strengthening your marriage. Your connection as a couple needs to be the priority. Period.
Trick #3 Smothering
One of the most common reasons some in-laws smother a marriage is because they feel like they have a right to. Where would such an idea come from, you ask? Often from financial strings that keep them tightly tied to you. So if you’re feeling smothered, it may be because you haven’t yet unhooked yourself financially. It could be that you’re relying on Mom and Dad for regular childcare because it’s convenient and cheap. Always remember this kind of favor isn’t always as “cheap” as you might think. So consider why your in-laws might feel that they have a right to meddle in your marriage and take proactive steps to change it.
Of course the indebtedness sometimes isn’t just financial. Another possible scenario is a spouse who gets his or her emotional needs met in the relationship with parents instead of the marriage. This is clearly a problem. This can begin with, say, a wife who feels frustrated over her husband’s seeming lack of interest in conversing about her day and instead she starts sharing with her parents. This erodes intimacy in the marriage. Another common situation that is detrimental to the marriage: After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes “home to mother” or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. This is just disrespectful to your spouse and makes it hard for parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him. Expecting parents to referee your conflicts isn’t realistic or wise. Ever.
Once a child is married, the umbilical cord needs to be cut. Extended families can be a rich source of mutual support and enjoyment; they can also be a source of real tension and heartache. The No. 1 rule in your marriage needs to be that you and your spouse come first. You cannot allow anyoneónot an in-law, a friend, or a childóto come between the two of you. Your oneness is fragile and will face many challenges from without. So safeguarding your union from the inside is key. Try some of the tips above. And remember, your in-laws, like any other human beings, are imperfect. Instead of trying to change them, try to change your approach to them.
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Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, Family, For Women
28 Responses to “In-Laws: The Step by Step Cure”
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I am tired of hearing about how bad inlaws are. I am an in law. It is not very easy. No matter what I do it isn’t right. I am looked upon as the enemy in most cases. How did I go from being the mom to being the enemy. The last thing I want to do is interfere with my kids marriages. Really. I am asked to do all kinds of things and take all kinds of garbage and never ever need anything myself. I’m ready to check out!
What about in-laws who don’t WANT to make things better? We’ve tried having “the talk” and they avoid it and act like everything’s fine. They have zero open lines of communication. Now what?
And if the in-law(s) have alcohol and drug issues and live in an induced state of haze…..then what do you suggest? My husband has turned against our marriage and is back in the middle of this life with his fmly. of origin that he used to be against. His mother is manipulative and he will never say no to her, even to the point of buying her licquor and drugs. Always seeking her approval, whereas he had mine. Now I (am children) are treated as outsiders.
This is a great article for newly-weds, but what about when you’ve been married 10+ years and the personality conflicts just seem to be getting worse – specifically passive aggressive moves on the part of the mother-in-law. My husband and I are a united front with our opinions on both our parents, and we have allowed them to be them, but recently I haven’t had the energy to cater to his mom and she seems to be having hurt feelings that I can’t be her “buddy”. Her husband does still travel with work and I know she is lonely, but with children of my own and a husband who also travels and I work, I just don’t have the energy to “play” anymore. This last visit she told me she is stressed out and I listened and then after she left that comment hit me and I was angry at her level of being self-absorbed – they are financially well-off, she has no responsibilities except those she chooses and she is stressed? Yikes! I guess I want to tell her to “grow up”!
My wife and I have ben married a year coming May 13. Since then her family has been in the middle of everything we have done. Last September her Father had a stroke and we ended up moving to the Richmond area to be closer to the family.
I lost my job because of the move and have been out of full time work since. We are currently living with her son. And wanting to get out and have a place of our own. What is the answer to all this?
I’m really struggling with this. My Mother-in-law is horrible when it comes to giving unsolicited advice and she is very good about criticising me in such a way that my husband doesn’t even notice and then I’m left trying to convince him of the things that his mother said or did. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be as perfect and revered to him as his mother is. Why is it that he cannot see his mother for what she really is…a jealous woman??? I don’t blame her. I know it’s must be so hard for a mother to let go of her baby (he’s the youngest of 5) but she’s already made up her mind that I’ll never be the wife or mother that she is. That’s very difficult to deal with and I don’t feel validated by my husband at all.
My in-laws are a literally a nightmare. Two weeks before my husband and I married his mother went on a rampage tearing up the family only to try to destroy our wedding. She lied to his brother and created stories so that he would continually try to talk my husband out of amrrying me. She went around our reception bad mouthing me to anyone that would listen. Within 3 months she was begging Jay to leave me and move back home. Then she escalated to trying to convince him that I was cheating on him instead of going to work and berated everything I did. This caused great tensions in our relationship. Even though my huusband did not believe what his mother was saying, the constant incredible negativity wore on him at every visit he made to his parents. He would come home with a bad attitude and it would be taken out on me for 2 days. I give him credit because he did defend me. But withing the 1st year of marriage after I confronted his mother and she went off on me about her rights, I had to drop dealing with her period. Sadly eventually my husband had to do the same because of the horrible mind games she played with him. It was hard and very hellish. But I had to stand back and let him make his own decison about how to handle his mother without any input. Any input from me even if it was a positive, “I’m glad you had a nice visit,” only resulted in bad blood between us.
My husbands father tried to convince my husband to get a divorce within the first year of our marriage because he was getting one. He knew some mutual friends of mine and my husbands and conjured stories up tp enlist their help. If my husband remotely talked to him about any argruement or disagreement then he would spin it off that our relationship was horrible and unfixable. Some how my hbusnad got him to knock that off. And Luckily he moved halfway across the state. But since right before the birth of my daughter he has pulled a bunch of things to cause troulbe. He has created big family wide fights off of complete lies and done things to cause tension/ fights between my husband and I. Recently I stopped dealing with him. My husband only talks to him about limited subject matter. I leave that relationship to the 2 of them except asking my husband to stay away from certain isssues as to not open a door for trouble to walk in. This has worked except my husband is hurt that we cannot function like a normal family.
I remind him that atleast we are not falling apart and our amrrige is mending.
Remeber the Serenity Prayer. You cannot change or control anyone. But you do not have to let them walk all over you or abuse you eitrher.
Jenn and Karen,
You’re both dealing with very poisonous people. Karen: no two ways about it, your man needs an ultimatum. That CANNOT be allowed to continue. Incredibly unhealthy and destructive. I’m sorry to say this, but there is no way a healthy marriage and family can grow in that type of circumstance. You need to put as much distance from the in laws and your family as possible. That is the only way you two will survive this. When your husband is stronger in his own convictions, he may be able to help- from a distance, but not if he gets ’sucked in’ as he is now.
Jenn,
There is no dancing around this situation either. Your husband needs to call these two on the carpet. ‘I know what you are doing, and it’s not going to work. Stop playing destructive games or you will cease to be a part of our lives. I am sorry your relationships are in a state of ruin. My heart goes out to you, but you’ll not be ruining my marriage in the process. That is a selfish, sick, twisted thing to do, and I will not stand for it. You have two choices. Either you can stop the game playing and nonsense, or you can go away.’ This type of person will try twisting the situation back on your husband, and perhaps attempt to make him feel guilty or wrong. He needs to stay strong, and realize what their methods are. These are not ‘healthy’ individuals.
It is a sad, sad thing that we have to deal with our parents in such a way, but it is necessary for the sake of your own relationships.
I put up with in-laws and parents that fit all of the article’s descriptions. Alot subsided when my mom and step-dad moved out of state (all four of the in-laws didn’t get along) but my mother in-law took my mom’s moving as her opportunity to really get involved. At first my husband didn’t see it, and the more I tried to make him see the more he wouldn’t. It took a very good marriage counselor to help us both see and learn how to set boundaries with our parents. Things have been much better, not to say that there aren’t times when we both just want to scream mostly at his mom. but we’ve learned how to deal with her and let her “stuff” be her stuff and not ours. It takes time, and many young couples who are faced with these types of in-laws have enough on their plate without negativity from people who’s approval we seek. Marriage is hard enough without parents who are imposing in one way or another. If you are committed to each other and your children (if you have them) then that is what is what you need to focus on and not feel guilty about it.
I deal daily with the reprecussions of my husband’s divorce, in the form of my mother-in-law treating me like a complete outsider and pushing the fact that she continues to have a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship with his ex-wife, still. He and the ex were married not even 2 years, and we’ve already been married longer. My mother-in-law and the ex continue to act as if i am not even in the family, when i am now married in to it; my husband has said time & again to his mother that he is now married to ME and that it hurts HIM for her to act this way, and she ignores his feelings and then plays the martyr about her own actions pushing him away. So aside from the quicks bits on criticism & not accepting, i would love to see something specifically geared to 2nd marriages and parents that don’t accept their children’s new spouse.
ESPECIALLY IN AFRICA, IN-LAWS PROBLEMS ARE NOT EASY TO DEAL WITH. IN MY CASE I AM LEAVING WITH MY IN-LAWS SINCE MY HUSBAND IS NOT IN THE COUNTRY. AT FIRST IT WAS LIKE THE LOVED ME BUT NOT TOO LONG AGO THEY STARTED SHOWING THEIR TRUE COLOURS. NOW IT IS MY HUSBAND WHO IS TORN IN BETWEEN? THIS WHY I KEEP ASKING MY SELF WHY DON’T SOME MOTHER’S LEAVE THEIR SON’S WHEN THEY ARE MARRIED AFTER ALL IF THAT WAS DONE TO MY MOTHER IN LAW SHE WOULD NOT HAVE STAYED IN THE MARRIAGE
Wow. I come from a dysfunctional family, and after 3.5 years of INTENSE counseling, learned that I just could not continue to interact with my family. My mother is an extremely manipulative, controlling person. We do the occasional holiday call, send Christmas gifts, and call on birthdays. My husband’s parents are in their 80’s, and still are trying their best to control my husband. We have to do the same with them. We had to decide, both of us, whether we wanted a marriage, or to have our families control and mess up our lives. It would be sooo nice to have a close family relationship– not possible when others are so, so, so dysfunctional. You are worth something, too; not just your family. When you boil it down, they are being self-ish, and not looking out for your needs. YOU have to do that. Don’t let misguided guilt ruin your lives, or the lives of your kids. Someone has to break the chains of family dysfunction off your kids, and yourselves. It has to be you.
My thoughts are with you.
I’ve had a hard time with my in-laws since the birth of our triplets. Of course, the thought of triplets in the family has everyone going; furthermore, these are my mother-in-law’s first grandchildren, so she’s been crazy about them. My father-in-law is, of course, supportive of his wife. Unfortunately, there seem to be the typical generational conflicts between us on child-rearing.
They seem to think that my husband and I don’t know anything (like they wrote the book about parenting). They have been very critical of us; have been very questioning of us (which is perhaps a more dangerous form of criticism because it’s not as direct) and they have been almost smothering…sometimes visiting several times a week. Well, you would say, why don’t I appreciate the help. But, honestly, they have not been around for us when it really mattered. On a few occasions we’ve asked them to babysit for us and they all but said no. In such cases, my husband and I had to revert to my parents…which isnt’ a problem except that it was principally my parents who had been helping with the childcare before we got our nanny.
All in all, I don’t feel I have their emotional support and this has really driven a wedge between us. I didn’t think that I had in-law problems until now.
My in-laws are divorced. My husbands mother get’s mad if we (by “we” I mean mostly my husband) spend too much time with anyone but her…including my husbands father or sister, my parents & even me. She consistantly “looses it” when she is not getting enough attention from him or just everyone in general. Even at someone else’s funeral!!! I have basically cut my contact with her down to necessities, like my kid’s birthdays, etc. My husband was still talking to her, which was fine with me as long as she wasn’t causing marital problems and problems with our kids…. The last time she “blew-up” was in public and in front of our kids so even my husband has not spoken to her for a few months. It is sad but, she is a drain on our marriage and our family…she does nothing but cause more stress to be put on our relationship. She has underhanded ways of critisizing me, which my husband doesn’t even notice, of course!!!
But, he does stand up for me when he sees it, so, I am lucky there!
My main problem with my mother-in-law is her issue with the way we raise our kids. She doesn’t agree with our dicipline methods and will disagree with us right in front of the kids and then get mad when we ask her not to.
I am a grown person…I can take whatever she pours out to a point but, my kids don’t understand and get confused…and her episode in front of them was enough to make steam come out of my ears!
Luckily my husband stands-up with me for the most part when these things happen.But, it is still a sorce of stress and strain on our relationship.
Hi all: Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with a party Sunday (today is the actual date)and I just had to tell you, I have been through everything mentioned in the in-law article. My husband finally spoke up for me when I gave him an ultimatum-a first in our marriage. Say something or I’m outta here! My husband didn’t want to “rock the boat” I say, “sink it and start over”
His mother was very passive aggressive and sneaky. Finally he overheard her one day and realized I had been telling the truth all these years.
We made it this far with faith, outside counseling, and my determination that she wasn’t going to succeed in tearing us apart. (My husband is the baby of his entire generation, so he can do no wrong where everyone is concerned.) It took my two older sons (we have three)pointing out to their dad how wrong he was and how he better straighten up or mom was leaving.
To Sherrill: I will be a m-i-l someday to my sons’ wives. I started preparing myself at their birth that one day I would NOT be the number one woman in their lives. I have a perfect example of how NOT to be a m-i-l, so I am trying very hard (both my boys and their girlfriends say I am doing a fine job.) My philosophy has been, and I tell my sons, I can teach you how to be a good son, your dad can teach you how to be a good man, but only the woman you marry can teach you how to be a good husband.
I wish this article would have come out years ago. It’s what I’ve been saying to my husband for years.
Don’t give up hope everyone. There is a silver lining…sometimes, like me, you have to wait to your silver anniversary for it to be revealed. My husband’s mom actually said, “I’m glad you found each other twenty five years ago and I couldn’t ask for a better daughter in law.” WOW!!!! NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!
I can totally understand what people are saying. I too have had to deal with in-laws.
I thought about what it was that I doing wrong? and could not figure it out. So I asked my husband. He claimed that his mother doesn’t like me because I don’t say thank you, and that I came from a relatively poor family.
As the article stated, it was strong financial ties that kept my mother-in-law involved.
Eventually, she got sick and tired of helping and started to blame all the financial on me.
because I was not working, and that “I stress my husband out about bills”
She blamed me for his car accident he had back in 2005. because ” I stress him out”
Other family members were getting involved and I was told by one member of the family, that “maybe they will have more respect for you if you work”
I was deeply saddened and angry. Basically, if things were not her way, it was my fault.
My mother-in-law has called me all names under the sun. Literally!
I never said a word to her, nor confronted her about this, until it would escalate into
an argument, with yelling and screaming.
Partly, for this reason, I am now seperated from my husband. I am now pregnant with my second child, and if I have the strength, she will not see my child ever! Because she suggested twice that I get an abortion.
With my first child, she said that she was too young to be a grandmother and she would pay for an abortion, secondly, when my husband and I were not speaking and got seperated, she told me that she doesn’t know how can I keep a child, if the father is not going to be around?!
I have not spoken with my mother-in-law for over 2 months, mainly because she called authorities on me that involved my child. Now I need to report to these people every so often.
My relationship with her is sooo over, whatever it was. and my relationship with my husband is walking on egg shells.
Thanks to feelings of resentment, hurt, and anger. My husband and I are planning to go to a counselor, I hope this will work! cause, I am having little confidence that counseling will help heal broken wounds.
ok. inlaws ARE bad.
How do I deal with the issue of my wife wanting to be near her parents geographically, I had to take a job out of state, because it was the only job opening up, I thought I had discussed this with my wife thouroughly, but it appears that this has really hurt her emotionally. All I was trying to do is provide for us, and it looks like I have damaged our marriage in some way. I am all confused about this. She moved in with me here in our new state, but it seems like the situation is always brought to mind, or part of her unhappiness. This really hurts… Help me!
My MIL makes me sick to even think about! She is heinous, horrible, manipulative, lying, mean, and smothering. Uggh!
I agree with what Phyllis said. When a family is so dysfunctional, there is nothing better that you and your spouse can do than choose to end the cycle of dysfunction.
What about step-parent in-laws? My husband and his step father are always at odds. I may be biased, but in most cases it seems like the step-father is the instigator. What’s worse is that my mother-in-law doesn’t do anything about it. My husband is hurt by his mom’s betrayal, and I don’t know what to do to help him. I can’t deal with the step-father (he is the most unreasonable, obstinate, and assinine person I have ever met) but I have no idea if or how I should approach my mother-in-law.
How do you deal with really, really missing you in-laws from your first marriage?
My new in-laws are okay. I miss my in-laws from my first marriage so much that sometimes I cry. Especially at holidays. I have never bonded with them. I feel like my first in-laws are my real in-laws. We had been through so much together. We had lots of fun.
My new in-laws are old and boring.
My in-laws have made it a lifes work to destroy our marriage and I have to say after 15 years they’ve won. I am non existant and my husband doesn’t have the spine to stand up for me or my children and tell them in no uncertain terms that we do not deserve to be treated the way we are treated. I have tried to get along with all of them but because they do not want to share her millions they have made up lies to force us out.
I am unhappy, miserable, and feel I deserve some happiness in my life. I could care less about her money. I just can’t stomach my husband not having enough self-respect or respect for me or my children to stand up to these dysfunctional, evil people. He deserves them. Am I angry, damn right. I’ve tried marriage counseling, I’ve tried giving in, I’ve tried everything and nothing works.
So now I am gone.
My personal experience with the inlaws has resolved, at this point, to be one of peace. I played the happy game with them through insult and disrespect for holidays and family gatherings for 14+ years. Though I love the holidays and the time with my wife and daughter, I realized that they were tainted and all contained a subtle element of dread and reluctance. Then, through a passive/aggressive accusation regarding my relationship with my daughter some time ago, i came to one inescapable conclusion. It’s all my fault. You know, ‘fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ I had to summon the courage to realize that I chose those situations again and again and caused myself the grief by expecting them to change. I choose with whom to have and maintain relationships and the depth of those relationships. It is my power to choose. I allow my wife, without resentment, to make the same choices for herself. I chose not to participate in family gatherings this past holiday season. Difficult, but well worth the effort. I can now, look at them without resentment, anger and frustration because I now realize that I chose it. Now, I choose something else. Serenity, peace and tranquility have been the result. I may someday choose to reenter those relationships and will be able to do so with a greater level of honesty with them and myself. Hopefully, my experience may help heal the hurting of others with bad family relationships and allow them, too, to step forward with a greater level of personal peace and contentment.
My husband and I were married 2 weeks ago. We are having trouble with his sister. She is very jeolous and created some drama for our wedding. This is not resolved yet but I want to share with you how we handle all of the issues that we have faced so far in our relationship. We have been together almost 4 years, both have been married before with 5 kids between us. So you can be sure that issues have been there.
We have a motto and it is “it is us together” meaning our commitment to each other out weighs any wall people try to put up between or before us. We both feel that your relationship has to take priority over every other thing in your life and that is what makes a strong marriage. If that is not the way, why bother being married?
If two people stand together and let other people know that bad behavior will not be tolerated and if it continues, you will not have contact with them, the problems would end. If they don’t end, cut all contact. It is as simple as that.
Yes I know it is not easy. We just got back from a wonderful honeymoon in Paris but now we face telling this to his sister. Wish us luck, and we wish you luck. There is to much hate in this world, go find love.
My husband is freakishly attached to his father, They spend everyday all day together, they do work together, but it is ruining our marriage and they think it’s normal!They know all of our personal and financial busniess… they expect me to come visit everyday as well and they think somthing is wrong with me because i don’t..what do I do?? They think I’m the crazy one!
Well, my husband and i have been married for 3 yrs going on 4 and i don’t have to deal with mother or father in-laws because they have both passed away, but my issue is with my sister and brother-in law. I feel like my husband’s sister is too smothering and emotionally dependent on him. She seems to call him on his cell phone alot, (and mind you i don’t have any problem with his sister calling him or him talking with her as that is his sister) but like sometimes he’ll be coming in the door from work, and she’ll have him on the phone for another hour or something as soon as he gets home. What? Like he can’t tell her he’ll call her back later or something? he just got home! Shouldn’t i be his first priority then? I think i should.
Also to say this woman is in her 40’s has never been married or has any children of her own, (but she does live with her younger sister that’s in her 30’s who has a kid, who’s she’s been helping to raise also) i think she needs to find someone else too for emotional support. It’s like she’s trying to be my hubby’s best friend or something, and that’s disrespectful to me. I try to talk with my husband about it, but it seems to never really get it or say anything about it. And i know it’s his little sister and he feels like he has to be there for her whenever she has her little rants or whatever, but can’t she understand that he’s a married man now? But sometimes i can’t get through to him on his phone at lunchtime because he’s on the phone with her.
Another issue, she’ll stop by the house too sometimes as soon as he’s gotten home for work or other times, but my husband won’t let me know she’s coming by……and i just might not be in the mood for company you know? I do tell him about that, but still nothing has been done about it, because he dosen’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s too close for comfort for me anyway. So there’s been no boundaries set for in-laws at all. On the other hand, my family….my mother and father got divorced, my mom’s moved to another state so i never see her. But my dad has his gf now, and is doing his own thing, so we’re not that close anymore, but we never really were, but it’s getting better, but my family dosen’t meddle in our marriage, but i feel his family does by being passive and manipulative. But i haven’t been that dependant on my parent’s much at all since we’ve been married, and if he feels like he dosen’t want to participate when we go see my family, he dosen’t at all or even go vs. when we go see his family, he expects me to be there with him, but they’ve been excluding me since we’ve been together, and he just dosen’t get it. I’ve never really felt like any of them have liked me that much( he has 1 brother 1yr older and 2 younger sisters). It feels to me as if since their parent’s died, they ( his sister and brother) have come to my husband for support or financial support ( which is no problem with me, as i understand that they don’t have anyone but each other), but when it comes to a point where it interferes into my husband and i’s well being and affects our relationship i do have a problem with that, a big problem.
So what to do about this to tell my husband how i feel about it to where he actually understands and takes my feelings into consideration without him feeling resentful and as if i’m jealous (i’m not) and not like i don’t want him to see his family (cuz that’s what he’ll say.)??
We are in a situation where we have to live with my brother in-law. It’s their parent’s house and the house they lived in growing up. So we are going through a financial problem trying to sell the house (eventually), but move out and buy our own home. But his brother (48 yrs old and still living at home in the basement since he came back home from college, over 20 freakin years! Unfortunately, his father didn’t care too much to make him move out of the house and live as an adult.) So i do feel for him, as i know he’d like to be independent and be out on his own, but he’s stuck here! They say he had an emotional breakdown or something when his mom died in 78, but i really think there’s something mentally wrong or a mental illness developed 20 yrs ago.
So we’ve been here for a bit and i feel like he wants people to feel sorry for him, and he’ll take advantage of anything he feels he can get away with and i’m so sick of it!
He won’t help out around the house —– must think since his mom did everything for him, every woman’s like that. And i feel like, if something needs to be done…….do it! I shouldn’t have to tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Grow up!!
My husband says if he weren’t his brother he wouldn’t have anything to do with him, he don’t deal with people like that who are manipulative and always play the victim.
The guy literally stinks——-he takes showers, but wears dirty clothes over again. So he dosen’t wash his clothes either, or i don’t even know if he knows how to.
The guy dosen’t cook—–only knows how to make tuna and turkey sandwiches, but when i cook he’ll take it upon his self to take more than his share or eat it all. But he goes shopping for himself and dosen’t share anything he has at all, ( he think i don’t know) i once caught him hoarding food that i bought in the basement on my down to wash my clothes!
He is a SLOB!!! Lazy as i can’t even describe, but he does have a job delivering the paper.
He has a shopping addiction and who knows what else, but dosen’t even wear his new clothes he buys and they are all over the floor & place.
It’s almost that he does it to get attention or something ( even if it’s bad to get people to talk about him)
I have tried to relate to him though because he is my brother in-law but our personalities just clash and he’s one of those people that once you get them talking, they never shut up!
Conversation is really difficult, because you can’t reason with this dude and he seems to be mentally and emotionally stuck at 17-18 or something and an immature one at that. He’s ALWAYS talking about the past and what he did or happened in high school or 20 yrs ago, so he can’t live in the present. He must think his good times are over. They don’t have to be, but maybe they are.
This is a guy who was very charming, charismatic, very active and into sports, had all the girls was arrogant and was successful!
Things are like the exact opposite now, my husband said when he ( his brother) went to college and then came back home, just one day he had changed completely. They (his family) don’t know what happened to him……..he just stopped talking for like a year and when he started to talk you couldn’t understand anything he was saying and he became really simple. That’s the truth. Maybe something happened when he was at college? So know he lives as if he’s homeless. Only one difference is he does have a bed to sleep in at night and transportation.
He’s not very financially responsible and depends on my husband to bail him out of whatever trouble he gets himself into and i tell my husband not to do that because most of the things he does are stupid and could have been prevented in the first place because he procrastinates and makes bad decisions. He understands that now, thank god. So what to do about that? Because if i had known his ties with his brother were like this, i would have waited to get married. Because it’s having a big impact on our marriage financially.