Comments on: In-Laws: The Step by Step Cure http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/ Free Marriage Articles, Advice and Tips For Better Communication, Less Fighting and More Intimacy Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Sharon http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-2375 Sharon Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:09:24 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-2375 We are in a situation where we have to live with my brother in-law. It's their parent's house and the house they lived in growing up. So we are going through a financial problem trying to sell the house (eventually), but move out and buy our own home. But his brother (48 yrs old and still living at home in the basement since he came back home from college, over 20 freakin years! Unfortunately, his father didn't care too much to make him move out of the house and live as an adult.) So i do feel for him, as i know he'd like to be independent and be out on his own, but he's stuck here! They say he had an emotional breakdown or something when his mom died in 78, but i really think there's something mentally wrong or a mental illness developed 20 yrs ago. So we've been here for a bit and i feel like he wants people to feel sorry for him, and he'll take advantage of anything he feels he can get away with and i'm so sick of it! He won't help out around the house ----- must think since his mom did everything for him, every woman's like that. And i feel like, if something needs to be done.......do it! I shouldn't have to tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Grow up!! My husband says if he weren't his brother he wouldn't have anything to do with him, he don't deal with people like that who are manipulative and always play the victim. The guy literally stinks-------he takes showers, but wears dirty clothes over again. So he dosen't wash his clothes either, or i don't even know if he knows how to. The guy dosen't cook-----only knows how to make tuna and turkey sandwiches, but when i cook he'll take it upon his self to take more than his share or eat it all. But he goes shopping for himself and dosen't share anything he has at all, ( he think i don't know) i once caught him hoarding food that i bought in the basement on my down to wash my clothes! He is a SLOB!!! Lazy as i can't even describe, but he does have a job delivering the paper. He has a shopping addiction and who knows what else, but dosen't even wear his new clothes he buys and they are all over the floor & place. It's almost that he does it to get attention or something ( even if it's bad to get people to talk about him) I have tried to relate to him though because he is my brother in-law but our personalities just clash and he's one of those people that once you get them talking, they never shut up! Conversation is really difficult, because you can't reason with this dude and he seems to be mentally and emotionally stuck at 17-18 or something and an immature one at that. He's ALWAYS talking about the past and what he did or happened in high school or 20 yrs ago, so he can't live in the present. He must think his good times are over. They don't have to be, but maybe they are. This is a guy who was very charming, charismatic, very active and into sports, had all the girls was arrogant and was successful! Things are like the exact opposite now, my husband said when he ( his brother) went to college and then came back home, just one day he had changed completely. They (his family) don't know what happened to him........he just stopped talking for like a year and when he started to talk you couldn't understand anything he was saying and he became really simple. That's the truth. Maybe something happened when he was at college? So know he lives as if he's homeless. Only one difference is he does have a bed to sleep in at night and transportation. He's not very financially responsible and depends on my husband to bail him out of whatever trouble he gets himself into and i tell my husband not to do that because most of the things he does are stupid and could have been prevented in the first place because he procrastinates and makes bad decisions. He understands that now, thank god. So what to do about that? Because if i had known his ties with his brother were like this, i would have waited to get married. Because it's having a big impact on our marriage financially. We are in a situation where we have to live with my brother in-law. It’s their parent’s house and the house they lived in growing up. So we are going through a financial problem trying to sell the house (eventually), but move out and buy our own home. But his brother (48 yrs old and still living at home in the basement since he came back home from college, over 20 freakin years! Unfortunately, his father didn’t care too much to make him move out of the house and live as an adult.) So i do feel for him, as i know he’d like to be independent and be out on his own, but he’s stuck here! They say he had an emotional breakdown or something when his mom died in 78, but i really think there’s something mentally wrong or a mental illness developed 20 yrs ago.

So we’ve been here for a bit and i feel like he wants people to feel sorry for him, and he’ll take advantage of anything he feels he can get away with and i’m so sick of it!

He won’t help out around the house —– must think since his mom did everything for him, every woman’s like that. And i feel like, if something needs to be done…….do it! I shouldn’t have to tell you EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! Grow up!!
My husband says if he weren’t his brother he wouldn’t have anything to do with him, he don’t deal with people like that who are manipulative and always play the victim.

The guy literally stinks——-he takes showers, but wears dirty clothes over again. So he dosen’t wash his clothes either, or i don’t even know if he knows how to.

The guy dosen’t cook—–only knows how to make tuna and turkey sandwiches, but when i cook he’ll take it upon his self to take more than his share or eat it all. But he goes shopping for himself and dosen’t share anything he has at all, ( he think i don’t know) i once caught him hoarding food that i bought in the basement on my down to wash my clothes!

He is a SLOB!!! Lazy as i can’t even describe, but he does have a job delivering the paper.

He has a shopping addiction and who knows what else, but dosen’t even wear his new clothes he buys and they are all over the floor & place.

It’s almost that he does it to get attention or something ( even if it’s bad to get people to talk about him)

I have tried to relate to him though because he is my brother in-law but our personalities just clash and he’s one of those people that once you get them talking, they never shut up!

Conversation is really difficult, because you can’t reason with this dude and he seems to be mentally and emotionally stuck at 17-18 or something and an immature one at that. He’s ALWAYS talking about the past and what he did or happened in high school or 20 yrs ago, so he can’t live in the present. He must think his good times are over. They don’t have to be, but maybe they are.

This is a guy who was very charming, charismatic, very active and into sports, had all the girls was arrogant and was successful!

Things are like the exact opposite now, my husband said when he ( his brother) went to college and then came back home, just one day he had changed completely. They (his family) don’t know what happened to him……..he just stopped talking for like a year and when he started to talk you couldn’t understand anything he was saying and he became really simple. That’s the truth. Maybe something happened when he was at college? So know he lives as if he’s homeless. Only one difference is he does have a bed to sleep in at night and transportation.

He’s not very financially responsible and depends on my husband to bail him out of whatever trouble he gets himself into and i tell my husband not to do that because most of the things he does are stupid and could have been prevented in the first place because he procrastinates and makes bad decisions. He understands that now, thank god. So what to do about that? Because if i had known his ties with his brother were like this, i would have waited to get married. Because it’s having a big impact on our marriage financially.

]]> By: Sharon http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-2372 Sharon Thu, 13 Sep 2007 21:31:52 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-2372 Well, my husband and i have been married for 3 yrs going on 4 and i don't have to deal with mother or father in-laws because they have both passed away, but my issue is with my sister and brother-in law. I feel like my husband's sister is too smothering and emotionally dependent on him. She seems to call him on his cell phone alot, (and mind you i don't have any problem with his sister calling him or him talking with her as that is his sister) but like sometimes he'll be coming in the door from work, and she'll have him on the phone for another hour or something as soon as he gets home. What? Like he can't tell her he'll call her back later or something? he just got home! Shouldn't i be his first priority then? I think i should. Also to say this woman is in her 40's has never been married or has any children of her own, (but she does live with her younger sister that's in her 30's who has a kid, who's she's been helping to raise also) i think she needs to find someone else too for emotional support. It's like she's trying to be my hubby's best friend or something, and that's disrespectful to me. I try to talk with my husband about it, but it seems to never really get it or say anything about it. And i know it's his little sister and he feels like he has to be there for her whenever she has her little rants or whatever, but can't she understand that he's a married man now? But sometimes i can't get through to him on his phone at lunchtime because he's on the phone with her. Another issue, she'll stop by the house too sometimes as soon as he's gotten home for work or other times, but my husband won't let me know she's coming by......and i just might not be in the mood for company you know? I do tell him about that, but still nothing has been done about it, because he dosen't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's too close for comfort for me anyway. So there's been no boundaries set for in-laws at all. On the other hand, my family....my mother and father got divorced, my mom's moved to another state so i never see her. But my dad has his gf now, and is doing his own thing, so we're not that close anymore, but we never really were, but it's getting better, but my family dosen't meddle in our marriage, but i feel his family does by being passive and manipulative. But i haven't been that dependant on my parent's much at all since we've been married, and if he feels like he dosen't want to participate when we go see my family, he dosen't at all or even go vs. when we go see his family, he expects me to be there with him, but they've been excluding me since we've been together, and he just dosen't get it. I've never really felt like any of them have liked me that much( he has 1 brother 1yr older and 2 younger sisters). It feels to me as if since their parent's died, they ( his sister and brother) have come to my husband for support or financial support ( which is no problem with me, as i understand that they don't have anyone but each other), but when it comes to a point where it interferes into my husband and i's well being and affects our relationship i do have a problem with that, a big problem. So what to do about this to tell my husband how i feel about it to where he actually understands and takes my feelings into consideration without him feeling resentful and as if i'm jealous (i'm not) and not like i don't want him to see his family (cuz that's what he'll say.)?? Well, my husband and i have been married for 3 yrs going on 4 and i don’t have to deal with mother or father in-laws because they have both passed away, but my issue is with my sister and brother-in law. I feel like my husband’s sister is too smothering and emotionally dependent on him. She seems to call him on his cell phone alot, (and mind you i don’t have any problem with his sister calling him or him talking with her as that is his sister) but like sometimes he’ll be coming in the door from work, and she’ll have him on the phone for another hour or something as soon as he gets home. What? Like he can’t tell her he’ll call her back later or something? he just got home! Shouldn’t i be his first priority then? I think i should.
Also to say this woman is in her 40’s has never been married or has any children of her own, (but she does live with her younger sister that’s in her 30’s who has a kid, who’s she’s been helping to raise also) i think she needs to find someone else too for emotional support. It’s like she’s trying to be my hubby’s best friend or something, and that’s disrespectful to me. I try to talk with my husband about it, but it seems to never really get it or say anything about it. And i know it’s his little sister and he feels like he has to be there for her whenever she has her little rants or whatever, but can’t she understand that he’s a married man now? But sometimes i can’t get through to him on his phone at lunchtime because he’s on the phone with her.
Another issue, she’ll stop by the house too sometimes as soon as he’s gotten home for work or other times, but my husband won’t let me know she’s coming by……and i just might not be in the mood for company you know? I do tell him about that, but still nothing has been done about it, because he dosen’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s too close for comfort for me anyway. So there’s been no boundaries set for in-laws at all. On the other hand, my family….my mother and father got divorced, my mom’s moved to another state so i never see her. But my dad has his gf now, and is doing his own thing, so we’re not that close anymore, but we never really were, but it’s getting better, but my family dosen’t meddle in our marriage, but i feel his family does by being passive and manipulative. But i haven’t been that dependant on my parent’s much at all since we’ve been married, and if he feels like he dosen’t want to participate when we go see my family, he dosen’t at all or even go vs. when we go see his family, he expects me to be there with him, but they’ve been excluding me since we’ve been together, and he just dosen’t get it. I’ve never really felt like any of them have liked me that much( he has 1 brother 1yr older and 2 younger sisters). It feels to me as if since their parent’s died, they ( his sister and brother) have come to my husband for support or financial support ( which is no problem with me, as i understand that they don’t have anyone but each other), but when it comes to a point where it interferes into my husband and i’s well being and affects our relationship i do have a problem with that, a big problem.

So what to do about this to tell my husband how i feel about it to where he actually understands and takes my feelings into consideration without him feeling resentful and as if i’m jealous (i’m not) and not like i don’t want him to see his family (cuz that’s what he’ll say.)??

]]> By: Leslie http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-1461 Leslie Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:10:27 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-1461 My husband is freakishly attached to his father, They spend everyday all day together, they do work together, but it is ruining our marriage and they think it's normal!They know all of our personal and financial busniess... they expect me to come visit everyday as well and they think somthing is wrong with me because i don't..what do I do?? They think I'm the crazy one! My husband is freakishly attached to his father, They spend everyday all day together, they do work together, but it is ruining our marriage and they think it’s normal!They know all of our personal and financial busniess… they expect me to come visit everyday as well and they think somthing is wrong with me because i don’t..what do I do?? They think I’m the crazy one!

]]> By: Lisa http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-765 Lisa Mon, 09 Jul 2007 21:27:03 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-765 My husband and I were married 2 weeks ago. We are having trouble with his sister. She is very jeolous and created some drama for our wedding. This is not resolved yet but I want to share with you how we handle all of the issues that we have faced so far in our relationship. We have been together almost 4 years, both have been married before with 5 kids between us. So you can be sure that issues have been there. We have a motto and it is "it is us together" meaning our commitment to each other out weighs any wall people try to put up between or before us. We both feel that your relationship has to take priority over every other thing in your life and that is what makes a strong marriage. If that is not the way, why bother being married? If two people stand together and let other people know that bad behavior will not be tolerated and if it continues, you will not have contact with them, the problems would end. If they don't end, cut all contact. It is as simple as that. Yes I know it is not easy. We just got back from a wonderful honeymoon in Paris but now we face telling this to his sister. Wish us luck, and we wish you luck. There is to much hate in this world, go find love. My husband and I were married 2 weeks ago. We are having trouble with his sister. She is very jeolous and created some drama for our wedding. This is not resolved yet but I want to share with you how we handle all of the issues that we have faced so far in our relationship. We have been together almost 4 years, both have been married before with 5 kids between us. So you can be sure that issues have been there.

We have a motto and it is “it is us together” meaning our commitment to each other out weighs any wall people try to put up between or before us. We both feel that your relationship has to take priority over every other thing in your life and that is what makes a strong marriage. If that is not the way, why bother being married?
If two people stand together and let other people know that bad behavior will not be tolerated and if it continues, you will not have contact with them, the problems would end. If they don’t end, cut all contact. It is as simple as that.
Yes I know it is not easy. We just got back from a wonderful honeymoon in Paris but now we face telling this to his sister. Wish us luck, and we wish you luck. There is to much hate in this world, go find love.

]]> By: brian http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-690 brian Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:22:18 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-690 My personal experience with the inlaws has resolved, at this point, to be one of peace. I played the happy game with them through insult and disrespect for holidays and family gatherings for 14+ years. Though I love the holidays and the time with my wife and daughter, I realized that they were tainted and all contained a subtle element of dread and reluctance. Then, through a passive/aggressive accusation regarding my relationship with my daughter some time ago, i came to one inescapable conclusion. It's all my fault. You know, 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' I had to summon the courage to realize that I chose those situations again and again and caused myself the grief by expecting them to change. I choose with whom to have and maintain relationships and the depth of those relationships. It is my power to choose. I allow my wife, without resentment, to make the same choices for herself. I chose not to participate in family gatherings this past holiday season. Difficult, but well worth the effort. I can now, look at them without resentment, anger and frustration because I now realize that I chose it. Now, I choose something else. Serenity, peace and tranquility have been the result. I may someday choose to reenter those relationships and will be able to do so with a greater level of honesty with them and myself. Hopefully, my experience may help heal the hurting of others with bad family relationships and allow them, too, to step forward with a greater level of personal peace and contentment. My personal experience with the inlaws has resolved, at this point, to be one of peace. I played the happy game with them through insult and disrespect for holidays and family gatherings for 14+ years. Though I love the holidays and the time with my wife and daughter, I realized that they were tainted and all contained a subtle element of dread and reluctance. Then, through a passive/aggressive accusation regarding my relationship with my daughter some time ago, i came to one inescapable conclusion. It’s all my fault. You know, ‘fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ I had to summon the courage to realize that I chose those situations again and again and caused myself the grief by expecting them to change. I choose with whom to have and maintain relationships and the depth of those relationships. It is my power to choose. I allow my wife, without resentment, to make the same choices for herself. I chose not to participate in family gatherings this past holiday season. Difficult, but well worth the effort. I can now, look at them without resentment, anger and frustration because I now realize that I chose it. Now, I choose something else. Serenity, peace and tranquility have been the result. I may someday choose to reenter those relationships and will be able to do so with a greater level of honesty with them and myself. Hopefully, my experience may help heal the hurting of others with bad family relationships and allow them, too, to step forward with a greater level of personal peace and contentment.

]]> By: Janet http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-351 Janet Tue, 15 May 2007 17:50:34 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-351 My in-laws have made it a lifes work to destroy our marriage and I have to say after 15 years they've won. I am non existant and my husband doesn't have the spine to stand up for me or my children and tell them in no uncertain terms that we do not deserve to be treated the way we are treated. I have tried to get along with all of them but because they do not want to share her millions they have made up lies to force us out. I am unhappy, miserable, and feel I deserve some happiness in my life. I could care less about her money. I just can't stomach my husband not having enough self-respect or respect for me or my children to stand up to these dysfunctional, evil people. He deserves them. Am I angry, damn right. I've tried marriage counseling, I've tried giving in, I've tried everything and nothing works. So now I am gone. My in-laws have made it a lifes work to destroy our marriage and I have to say after 15 years they’ve won. I am non existant and my husband doesn’t have the spine to stand up for me or my children and tell them in no uncertain terms that we do not deserve to be treated the way we are treated. I have tried to get along with all of them but because they do not want to share her millions they have made up lies to force us out.

I am unhappy, miserable, and feel I deserve some happiness in my life. I could care less about her money. I just can’t stomach my husband not having enough self-respect or respect for me or my children to stand up to these dysfunctional, evil people. He deserves them. Am I angry, damn right. I’ve tried marriage counseling, I’ve tried giving in, I’ve tried everything and nothing works.

So now I am gone.

]]> By: Helen http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-350 Helen Tue, 15 May 2007 14:00:30 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-350 How do you deal with really, really missing you in-laws from your first marriage? My new in-laws are okay. I miss my in-laws from my first marriage so much that sometimes I cry. Especially at holidays. I have never bonded with them. I feel like my first in-laws are my real in-laws. We had been through so much together. We had lots of fun. My new in-laws are old and boring. How do you deal with really, really missing you in-laws from your first marriage?

My new in-laws are okay. I miss my in-laws from my first marriage so much that sometimes I cry. Especially at holidays. I have never bonded with them. I feel like my first in-laws are my real in-laws. We had been through so much together. We had lots of fun.

My new in-laws are old and boring.

]]> By: Kate http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-349 Kate Tue, 15 May 2007 02:21:22 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-349 What about step-parent in-laws? My husband and his step father are always at odds. I may be biased, but in most cases it seems like the step-father is the instigator. What's worse is that my mother-in-law doesn't do anything about it. My husband is hurt by his mom's betrayal, and I don't know what to do to help him. I can't deal with the step-father (he is the most unreasonable, obstinate, and assinine person I have ever met) but I have no idea if or how I should approach my mother-in-law. What about step-parent in-laws? My husband and his step father are always at odds. I may be biased, but in most cases it seems like the step-father is the instigator. What’s worse is that my mother-in-law doesn’t do anything about it. My husband is hurt by his mom’s betrayal, and I don’t know what to do to help him. I can’t deal with the step-father (he is the most unreasonable, obstinate, and assinine person I have ever met) but I have no idea if or how I should approach my mother-in-law.

]]> By: Julia http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-346 Julia Mon, 14 May 2007 17:02:51 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-346 I agree with what Phyllis said. When a family is so dysfunctional, there is nothing better that you and your spouse can do than choose to end the cycle of dysfunction. I agree with what Phyllis said. When a family is so dysfunctional, there is nothing better that you and your spouse can do than choose to end the cycle of dysfunction.

]]> By: Kate http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/comment-page-1/#comment-340 Kate Fri, 11 May 2007 19:12:04 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/inlawcure/#comment-340 My MIL makes me sick to even think about! She is heinous, horrible, manipulative, lying, mean, and smothering. Uggh! My MIL makes me sick to even think about! She is heinous, horrible, manipulative, lying, mean, and smothering. Uggh!

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