Inside the Mind of the Married Man: How to Teach Him Some New Tricks
The single most e-mailed article on NYTimes.com of 2006 wasn’t about the war or the Bush administration or a celebrity meltdown. It was about marriage. Well, actually, marriage and exotic animal training – a natural fit when you really think about it. The witty feature entitled “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage” traces how one woman applied lessons from animal trainers to her husband’s behavior with impressive results.
Stop doing what doesn’t work.
Have you ever seen the Dog Whisperer nag Fido into not making a mess in the house? If it doesn’t work with man’s best friend, it’s not likely to work with the man either. Keep this in mind the next time you find the dirty dishes still in the sink and your husband still in front of the TV!
Nagging is profoundly disrespectful. Respect needs to be at the foundation of all your interactions with your husband. A nagger acts like a parent, not like a partner. Naggers also indulge in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. They assume their spouses have no say in when or how high they should jump when a command is issued. So make every effort to banish this toxic behavior from your repertoire.
Do more of what does work.
Behavior tends to be molded by its consequences. Marriage therapists say behaviors are learned responses caused by reinforcement. In other words, to really bring about long-lasting change it’s best to reward the behavior you want and ignore the behavior you don’t. This can require the patience of a saint at first but stick with it. The results can be transformative.
Here’s what to do the next time the clothes don’t quite make it into the hamper:
• Focus on the messages you send. Make sure they are clear and precise.
Avoid incongruent messages.
• Model the behaviors you want to see. So if you want your husband to pick up after himself, set a good example and do it yourself.
• Reward little steps in the right direction known to behavior specialists as approximations. If he drops his pants in the hamper but doesn’t drop his shirt, this baby step with his pants needs to be acknowledged, and that leads to the next step.
• When he does the desired behavior, provide positive feedback. Show your appreciation — verbally and non-verbally. Be profuse. Really try to create the link between a specific behavior and a good outcome in his mind.
• When he does the undesired behavior, don’t react. Behaviors that don’t get a response tend to die away.
Don’t expect him to think the way you do.
Plain and simple, he doesn’t and never will. We’re not just talking about male and female differences here. We are reminding you that every individual is unique. Psychologists say too many people dismiss this vital point. Each person brings unique perspectives, approaches and motivations to the table based on his/her specific upbringing, personality, life experiences and so on.
Try to consider how you and your husband differ more objectively. For example, did he see his father take out the trash every night instead of do the dishes? Is that why he tends to do one thing with ease and resist another? We know taking a deep breath and trying to maintain perspective can be difficult if frustration and resentment have created distance between the two of you. But if you want positive change to enter your marriage, you need to be that change. It won’t happen magically.
With every impasse that emerges in your marriage, take a step back. Make every effort to be empathetic and really strive to consider how your husband views the situation. Before you attack a problem or him, stop to consider what motivates him, what he likes, dislikes, what comes easy to him and what doesn’t. Use this information to inform your approach. This tactic will get you better results and help you choose your battles more wisely.
Be realistic.
Some behaviors aren’t going anywhere. They are too entrenched or too instinctive. It’s not too likely he is ever going to opt to go shopping with you instead of watch the big game. As Oprah wisely advises, it is often best to surrender to some things in a relationship. If it is not essential to your happiness, try to let it go. We all know that forcing a person to change never works in the long run.
No matter how much you wish it did, marriage doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all instruction manual. A man and a woman living together is challenging. Period. There’s no way around it. Struggle to be rational in how you approach your husband. Remember that your reactions — either negative or positive — fuel his behavior.
(26 votes, average: 3.92 out of 5)
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52 Responses to “Inside the Mind of the Married Man: How to Teach Him Some New Tricks”
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Your article is very good. I have nagged before and that gets you no whee, like you say. I rate your articel a 4. But I need some more suggestions as to get him to do the tasks.
“Quote” Be Realistic. Some behaviours aren’t going anywhere. This is the best advice I’ve seen in awhile and correlates with my own personal relationship with a workaholic husband. I’ve thought for years and years of talking, discussing, eventually screaming about our situation at home and his tendency to only enjoy work that when I finally gave up on it…and began doing things with friends instead…my own personal frustration went away. Now, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to be doing those same things with him but no matter how hard we tried it was always a big issue. Why put yourself through this? Personally, I think a workaholic has deeper issues but now they’re not mine!
I’ve been married now for 5 years. During this time we have gotten along about a few months. Recently I have been using the positive tactic and changing my additute. As far as my happiness I put it into God’s hands instead of taking control. His choices are always better. Alot has changed between us. We now get along. Theres a communication there like when we were dating. More respect and caring. This is both of our second marriage. We have long way to go because I still find him in little white lies(what he calls them). As a christian alie is a lie , is a lie. He doesn’t get the harm. Its never anything big but the distrust is always there. But thanks for the infor. Its a big start. Thanks again. T
I understand that men and women are different. But why do men feel that they can cheat on the wife all the time and then she is to just forgive. I thought that marriage was to be a 50/50 deal we were to work together as a team. In a lot of the marriages that I know of this is not the case. So can you give me some advise how to deal with my husband and his cheating and other stuff. I would appreciate it. Thanks a lot.
I think you are way off on this one. Men may be simple, but we’re not Fido.
Change in either spouse must be internally motivated. Yes, the actions of a spouse may come from life long home observations of parental interactions, but permanent change comes from the will.
With tricks, a spouse may change a few things to ‘get along’, but substantial and long lasting change MUST come from the heart and will.
What do you do when , well my husbands upbringing by his father was varbable abusesive. He has hardly any tolarence for his stepson , and is really hard on him to the point of being varbally abusesive , he has done it to myself as well. When he is worried or stressed about something the takes it out on everyone eles. We fight about this daily almost , Is there anyway to stop this i have told him that i rescent the way he treets my son , i dont thing that this marriage will last without this has to be changed
It sounds like if women do everything right and don’t expect much from their husbands the
divorce rate will likely drop.
That’s probably true– and society (certainly husbands and children) will benefit.
However, it would be nice to actually see some adult males take a shot at really loving their wives instead of just taking advantage of them.
Truly great marriages only happen with mutual love, respect and cooperation.
and again the woman works on the relationship. men couldnt care less. i think it needs two to make it work. two to surrender and two to reinforce.
I agree, men need to work on this also. Nagging does not work, but what about the man that will NOT communicate no matter what you do. I try to understand, but how can I understand when I don’t know what he is thinking. I even tried to get him to work on our marriage through this web site. He refused to talk about it. Night after night we go to bed with only words about what we have to do to keep our household running (3 boys). Nothing about “us”. There’s plenty of talk about work and the kids, but nothing about US as a couple.
I don’t think we can change them. And why should we? Aren’t they the same man we fell in love with in the first place. I’ve had mine for 40 years. Of course there are ups and downs, but we try to remember the ups more than the downs. Our children need to learn this. It seems like todays young people just live together for a while, make a baby or 2 and then move on to someone new. I don’t get it.
Whatever you do, do it with RESPECT. As the song says, “we all want just a little respect.” This article was good about us women to STOP nagging. We often talk too much and overlook his reaction and then turn it into a fight. If you didn’t want a man that left his socks on the floor, you should have covered this during dating. You didn’t, so move on to the REALLY BIG issues. Put God first, keep your mouth from any harmful words and love the man God gave you. Work hard on yourself and you’ll see a difference if you trust the Lord to help you.
it sounds very logical. I’ll give it a shot! Thanks!
On the same boat as Karen Vaughn. I recently found out that my husband of 14 years, the man of God, the faithful, role model, and perfect/best husband failed on me and my girls. I have been deeply hurt and do not know how to deal with it, all I get is that it is my fault. Things are not getting any better and I just feel that I am starting to ‘hate’ not really hate but can not tolerate him too much around me. I thought that sexually it was going to be alright because I still felt that we got along well in that sense, but lately I don’t want to be with him anymore. I strongly feel my heart full of hatred and resentment towards this individual… Can someone help me or at least tell me ways to deal with this feeling? I truly honor those women that have been with their husbands after infidelity because it is not easy!
Cherel summed it up! And Dave, please understand this is not calling men the family pet, it really is telling all of us how to reinforce positive behavior to let the husband know what his wife wants without being overbearing and demanding 24 hours a day. This article was helpful to me, stop the nagging when they don’t do anything around the house or with the kids, ok, and be hopeful they will take the good things up a notch, but what if there are never any good things?? How can you reward them when they never do anything good? I don’t think we should be forced to expect less, when there are men out there playing catch with their sons, helping and loving their wives, and able to communicate about even small things (or big things) without blowing their top! Why shouldn’t we have it all? There isn’t any reason for a woman to believe she has to live without a loving husband and father to her kids. We have heard the don’ts, now let us know the DO’s! How do you reinforce positive behavior when there isn’t any! Are we supposed to say, “look at that great Dad playing catch with his son”, or “what a nice guy that is massaging his wife’s neck when she is tired”. Do you say things like that, or does that just make them think you are “nagging” or calling them “inferior”? I have been married 10 years, with 3 little ones, and still I haven’t figured it out!
WOW! This article has really opened my eyes. i have been married 11 years with 3 kids and right now I don’t even want to be in this marriage. Yet after reading this article it has opened my eyes to another chance and I am going to try it. I will let you know how it goes, thank you, Kim
I feel like I do every thing right and then I ask for help with a job app on line on some job that I know he knows well that I TRUST his opinion about and I say I’m confused on his objective so he blows up and walk sout of the room.
There I sit bewildered on what I did wrong and how I pissed him off.
30 years and counting….
I’ve been with my husband off and on for 9.5 years, married 5, seperated 10 months and I have ignored the undesired behavior, while praising desire behavior and I must say I do not beleive that works, people in general are not mind readers, I think that if there is a behavior that really bothers me or my husband that it would have been better to let the other know, rather than allow it to go way beyond the point of no return. This has been one of my greatest regrets is with holding that information.
Certainly, everyone’s situation is unique, and one woman’s husband is not going to be exactly like another’s so this article (or other helpful ones) must be somewhat general in nature. Any particular wife’s circumstances may be complicated because she married a drunk, for instance, or many years of unresolved conflicts and bitterness have crusted over the relationship, or whatever. These may need deeper attention.
I do not believe that everything is always entirely the woman’s fault. This article does not, in my opinion, make that case. It is only offering that if one’s current reaction(s) to her husbands behavior is not working, it may be time to work a new plan.
Just this week, my wife expressed her displeasure with the household clutter. “I pick (nag) and pick and pick and still nothing changes.” Okaaay, maybe it’s time for new strategy that does work.
On another occasion, she has said, “I nag and nothing happens. I don’t say anything and nothing happens. I don’t know what else to do.” Are there only two communication options?
Here’s a novel idea–be positive! “Hey, I thought after we finish the yard work, we could walk down to the ice cream shop.” Even simple but sincere “pleases” and “thank yous” should be used but those are the bare minimum. They are simple good manners.
If the wife arrives home with the groceries, a good husband would meet her at the door to carry them in or at least help. If he doesn’t, a simple but non-whiney, “Honey, would you help me for a minute?” is more likely to be successful than a frustrated and bitter, “Do I have to bring all the groceries in myself?!?” Which would be more likely to elicit the desired response next time?
Should your man take out the trash, help with dishes, etc.? Sure, he should, but I would submit that creating a positive emotional environment of affirmation and affection will make a good man want to do what he should, rather than merely having to do what he should, in which case your request becomes just one more thing he has to do.
If you married a good man, I would almost guarantee that he wants few things more than to make you happy. Kind words and kisses and other means of postive reinforcement, not nagging, whining, or presumed telepathy, are the means to helping him want to do the things that he should do.
it all seems like a big game that we (the women) are supposed to learn how to play. i am tired of games. why can’t men just be loving and real, and practice a little of the “golden rule”? i don’t think men are required to learn how to manipulate us with praise. they seem to just treat us how ever they want to, and we are supposed to just deal with it. why should we always have to do all the work?
What you have shared sounds great for those still in the unhappy marriages, please include something for those already separated, when it appears that there is no hope of ever getting together again and when you do not even look forward to it, but for the sake of the kids, you say, well I can take just about anything now for their sake!!! And then again, is it worth letting your kids grow up in an unhealthy environment? your son growing to be this uncaring and unproviding husband to some other lady in future? your daughter resenting her father for his weaknesses and eventually taking it on her husband!! Then it feels better to leave it that way, at least we are still polite to each other and the kids go to visit him during school offs!!! What do you think? What can anyone say about this!!!! We had been married 8years when he walked out and had only provided for 3yrs out of the 8. Am I insane not to want him back? In our part of the world, re-marriage is unheard of, what can you say about this
I have been married for over 7 years though my husband travelled out just one year after the marriage. I was pregnant of our second child when he travelled and was able to visit home when the baby was three years. It has not been easy for a woman like me who always enjoy company of my family friends to be left alone with two little kids but the Lord has been sustaining me and I have seized the opportunity to further my education. Can I go on with my career and think less about my husband? Since he is not there at all times to really keep me company.
This is information is great. I’m now going through a divorce and this information helps me a great deal in understanding that I too have a part in making this work. I love my husband but I did not know how to look at the real problem…the big picture. The real problem…the fact that we are different. This article provided me with the new insight into myself in that I too have been too self-centered in wanting everything my way. Yes…I was evaluating during this time of separation and in my gut…I knew that I am at fault too. I just did not understand how to work the differences out and how to go about being heard. This article makes it clear. Marriage is not just about one person getting their way, but compromise. Thanks. It is a great eye opener.
I’m about to have 15 years in with my husband. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized just how different men are than women. I’ve recently read a book about men and women and what each gender needs most. For men it is respect. For women it is love. And the interesting part is that God commanded that we do that exact thing. Anyway, I know how difficult that can be especially after infedelity, deceit, and verbal abuse. For some reason, I still can remember the good things he has done (though few and far between for me but he helps others often) and believe that God allows thing to happen for a reason and am refusing to quit. Things WILL get better. After reading some of the replies, it is good to know that our marriage is not unique and that I am not the only wife that seems to misunderstand at times. Thanks for this article. Karen
This article was very helpful. I never thought to think that he didn’t do certain things around the house because he never saw his father doing it, but yet other things come naturally for him to do because he’s been conditioned to think that men are suppose to do them. He has always said that some things are women’s jobs and others are men’s. I just thought that he was being chauvenistic but now I know better.
I am not to sure what to think anymore. Some people so that we got to do this, and others say that we have to do that, then there are some that say to forget about this and that, and and do it their way. I think that we have to stop trying to fix everything and just go with the flow. Men don’t like to talk about “us”. It scares the crap out of them. If they are still talking to you about the day, the kids, and everything else, but us, then you are doing great. To most men, that IS sharing and loving us. Remember all those jokes out there….”When women ask us what are we thinking about, we are actually not thinking, the wheels are not turning!” or “..If we told the truth they would think we were crazy because 99% of the time we are thining about boobies, the other 1% is about beer.” So really most of the problem I think, is in us wanting more then what most men can’t give us. It is not that they don’t want to, it because they really don’t know how to. That is just my thought on this. I have been married for only 4 years, and it is not perfect. I have my problems with my husband too, but at the end of the day I still love him, and I know that he still loves me, or he wouldn’t be sleeping next to me in bed.
I started picking up after him and doing it with a smile.Trying to pick my “battles”. It hasnt changed him much,but it has changed my level of resentment. Every time I would walk through a room and see stuff laying around I would just be mad all over again. I do it to help myself and my attitude.He is a workaholic and gets his “worth” from that.I dropped the ball in ways early in our marriage.I didnt understand how much he needed to be praised.I wasnt taught that as a girl about husbands.So naturally he wants to be where he feels most important and respected.If not for God,our marriage would be over.I am waiting because I know what God can do. What I need to know now is How do I undo,what I have done out of ignorance,when he does not believe that was the reason. He acts like I was that way on purpose,like I am making excuses.I didnt have the tools I needed to be a wife.Now that we have and are being changed by God,I do. Waiting on God,TH
This is my second marriage to the same man. The first time we were married he was the perfect husband and the perfect dad. Now 7 years later and 2 more kids it’s crazy. He doesn’t help around the house at all, he does little to nothing with the kids and it is all left up to me. How do you get that to change? Why should we as women have to praise men for doing what they should do? Marriage is 50/50 and if both parties work outside the home then they have to both work inside the home!! We have recently let a friend stay with us while going through a tuff time and I am afraid he may be making things in our marrige worse, as he helps me around the house and with the kids. He plays with the kids and takes interest in what they do and he is into the “family” thing. Any thoughts on what to do to get my husband on board with me and the kids?? Everything I try all he does is blow up and do what he wants to do.
if you want your husband or wife to change, you make the change yourself first.
I think an underlying theme of this article is that the only behavior you can control is your own. It’s how YOU act that influences other people. No, we really can’t change another person, but we can change ourselves. Since marriage is supposed to be a 50/50 relationship, if you change YOUR behavior, your odds of a successful marriage just increased considerably! A great book that conveys this theme is “Getting Together and Staying Together” by Glasser and Glasser. It’s a short read, but has really opened my eyes, not only about marriage, but about myself. Highly recommended!
What you suggesting is that I approach my husband with the same tactics that I use to discipline my ADHD child?!? I am fed up with being the parent to everyone in my house – including my husband. What about giving him this advice: “Grow up and finally assume your role as the head of this family. Stop shirking your responsibilities and blaming your laziness on your wife’s nagging.”
I agree that being a nag does not work. My husband and I have been married over 31 years and I feel very blest to have a spouse that does care about making our marriage a great one. No, we are not perfect, but we work toegther to make our lives the best they can be. Sometimes that means I compromise, sometimes he has to compromise, we both give 150% to our marriage and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I have read all the posts to this point, and wanted to respond to those ladies whose husbands have been unfaithful. My husband and i have four children and have been married 10 years. Two years ago he fell into addiction and was unfaithful. The lies and betrayal were all more than I could handle on my own. We went to couples counselling, adn he went into treatment for the addiction. Two years later, we are still together – with more good days than bad. I learned through that process that I sent many mixed signals as a wife. If I nag or complain about everything, he does not see any difference between my upset at dishes in the sink and my level of upset at infidelity. No perfect behavior on my part could have kept him from the path he chose, but we are now stronger than ever. We got advise early on in our marriage that has been more helpful than anything i have ever read or heard elsewhere – love your MARRIAGE as much or more than you love your SPOUSE. When we are able to keep that in mind, it is far easier to keep focused on the big picture. Socks on the floor is an issue where spouse fails to respect spouse – but it is not the fault of the MARRIAGE and therefore not really worth injuring the marriage with harsh or unkind words. Food for thought.
Someone said it best- the only person (and behavior) you can control is your own. If you do the very best you can, then you can be happy with yourself. Don’t let what he does and doesn’t do control you. Why hand someone else the keys to your happiness? I had to rear my 5 kids by myself. Not fun, when he walked and left me with house taxes, and all kinds of bills. I could have moaned, groaned, and been a horrible person to be around. Why? Isn’t everyone else having a tough time, too? I did things in the first marriage that weren’t perfect. I had to quit blaming everything on him. Marriage isn’t 50/50, anyway. Marriage is 100/100. If I do what I am supposed to, and keep a good attitude about it, then it’s up to God. After 12 years, I met and married my husband. I learned a lot over 12 years, and am putting it to good use now!!
Interesting article but I really can’t buy it. Ok, if the issues are so insignificant as who takes out the garbage and who does the dishes, does heleave the seat up or down… but for real issues, no, I can’t see this. Positive reinforcemnet only works when there is positive action. If there is a negative action and it’s ignored, it will be assumed that you’re ok with it. I have been there and ignoring it works the wrong way. Not only that… I wonder why it always comes down to: men do what they want, women do whatever is left. “Nagging” is not good, agreed. But I vote for telling him his behaviour is unacceptable and that if he doesn’t choose to do whatever it is, it simply won’t get done.
This article was really helpful and its got me thinking about ways to look at my marriage in a brand new light! I’m going to request my husband reads this so he can help me be a better wife as well, anything I can use for him he can use for me. What can it hurt? The very worst that can happen is nothing changes but we both compliment each other more often.
Another thing that was really helpful was just being able to read the reader responses from men and women, and getting a dose of the real differences between the sexs. I must admit that I have been know to nag, but in looking back in my marriage I can’t think of any time he’s has truely nagged me, and never to the degree I take it. Maybe he’s putting up with things that bother him just like I am.. only being much more gracious in it.
Food for thought.
thanks
No! He is not the same man I fell in love with! Almost as soon as the honeymoon was over, he changed into another person. Before we were married, he told me “I love you” every day. Now he doesn’t tell me, but will grudgingly say, Mmmm. Other times he says I don’t deserve it! He yells and threatens, etc. What happened? Aren’t Christians supposed to follow Biblical principles?
I get some of your article, but I feel again, the woman has to always give, let things pass, treat him like a child and allow him to act like one. Why should we praise him for putting his pants in the hamper when we get zero thank-you’ for the multiple things we do daily??? That frustrates me so much!! It’s like they go in a circle, for a while they try and help out becuase they know you are really upset, but that’s what it takes for them to help!! I need daily help not just when I’ve had it up to here. The man needs to start putting forth effort without guidance from a woman every step of the way!
alyssa
I am so, so tired of the woman taking all the blame and being held responsible for “carrying” a relationship. Men are adults and need to act as such. Everyone’s situation is different, and I truly hope this “train them up in the way they should go” advice works for you, but this has not worked for me at all.
I have tried ignoring negative behaviors and praising positive ones, and all that has reaped me is being disrespected and treated as a doormat on the one hand, and being accused of being fake on the other.
If a man wants a woman that doesn’t nag, then he should do the stuff that he knows he should, or has been requested to–the FIRST time. There would be no nagging or repeat requests if he would just do the right thing.
Another thing to recognize is that some people have what Dr. Phil calls a “bad spirit” of being critical and overly demanding no matter what, so that even if you break your back to do the right thing and give as much as you can, your efforts are never thought to be enough. Some people just like to nag, give orders, control others, or whatever you want to call it–without recognizing or giving any appreciation for what has already been done to try to please them.
This is the situation I find myself in. Hubby often has a laundry list of 20 things he wants done. If I complete 19 with bells and whistles and only get halfway though #20, then in his eyes I have failed and I am a bad, irresponsible person and a terrible wife. And if you have not picked up on it, the HUSBAND is the nag in our relationship. Please avoid stereotypes. Not all women are nags.
This article seems to expound the same tactics I use to raise my children to deal with my husband. Maybe that’s just the facts but I can’t help but notice that too many women I know feel like their husband is an additional child. It’s difficult to feel loving and sexy towards someone who doesn’t act like your equal. It’s even harder to defer to them as ‘head of the household’ (as so many of them want to be) when they don’t meet their obligations in a manly way.
Wow! Where do I begin. I am feeling each and everyone of you. From the comments about not necessarily being a nagger, to being willing to try something different, to giving praises and still getting no positive feedback. I have been married for 3 years and I must say this marriage of mine has kept me more in prayer than anything I’ve ever been through. Some of the things you go through, no one can really prepare you for what marriage entails. You just have to kind of experience it on you own but you can definitely relate to others and the situations they go through. So many times I have found myself “nagging” because I feel he does it to me and I guess I’m trying to show him that if he doesn’t like me doing it to him, what in the heck makes him think I want it done to me. And I mean for dumb stuff too. But I also find that he has a legitimate excuse for everything but when I try to explain myself for whatever the reason, it’s either stupid, I should have used my head, I never think, or it’s just not a good excuse even if it’s something similar to or the exact same thing he had a legit excuse for. I don’t want out my marriage. I just continue to pray for us, I pray that God continues to reveal his short comings to him and that he has a desire to correct them before he finds fault in me. I tell him all the time that we could break up today or tomorrow, he will always have himself to deal with and there is no running from yourself. You can’t break up with you. Fix it!
Just within the last three weeks, I have been dealing with “unloving” feelings for the past 31/2 years of my marriage. I felt is was due to him not communicating and virtually divorcing himself emotionally from our relationship. ( HE TOO IS A WORKAHOLIC) After many hours of prayer, I was able to find a Christian accountability partner, who had gone through similar circumstances within her own marriage. I was determined to see change in my relationship, so I was willing to be led by any means necessary to whatever God had planned for me. All I can say is, just within this past week, I’ve felt stronger and was able to get beyond my feelings of rejection and understood that my husband’s inablity to talk to me was him responding to not feeling safe with me emotionally. I think sometimes our expections as wives are sometime much bigger than the person, therefore being the loving wife that our husbands fell in love with, we’re someone that they try to avoid! After a recent coversation my husband has agreed for us to see a marriage counselor. All I can say is that now that I looking at 6 years of marriage, I feel more hope that our future does have hope.
This peice could be more helpful if it gave more of what to do to go with the what not to do. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and our relationship has had many trials and questions of why, but things are not bad. My husband and I both bring a bit of baggage with us into this marriage and all of our unresolved issues with ex spouses have caused some friction. It takes understanding more from the female than the male. With my husband he feeds from my understanding and concern more than from my hostle attitude. The more hostle I am with him the more shielded and guarded he becomes. Being more open minded and listening instead of snapping and being bossy works wonders, after all I am his wife not his mother or his boss. Marriage is a parternership and partners make decisions together and support each other in various ways to make things run smoothly. My father always told me that marriage was like a job with fringe benefits, the more you put into it the more you get out of it, and a man is only willing to work at something if it is in his benefit. In short most men are selfish but when it benefits them they are more willing to share the remote. A house also needs to be a home. Home is a place you feel safe. If home is not safe or welcoming (to include the company at home) men just are not interested. Not to say that we as women do not go through alot during our day but men look for chill time when they come in from work. First thing they don’t want to hear when they come home or when you come home is did you clean… or are you planning on picking up your dirty sock? If you go about telling them as a suggestion and make it their thought you will see how much easier it is to get that communication and cooperation you are looking for. It only took me two marriages to figure out that failure came from me as well as him. I also was sometimes wrong in my approach and execution of my thoughts. Good Luck everyone and God Bless. Remember with God all things are possible even for a stuborn mule.
It’s helpful to read all your responses. I know praying and praising God helps because it is I, myself, that God wants me to focus on, but I sure wish I knew how to get husbands interested in a mutual discussion of marriage and working on it together. I cannot get my husband to complete his half of the eHarmony quiz or even acknowledge that it might be helpful. How do some wives get their husbands to these Marriage Conferences? Beats me!
God bless you all. Elizabeth J.
Men are not animals–they are human beings. I have a husband and a son, and I think this article is almost offensive.
This article is also too darn general in nature, and not one marriage is the same!!
Try again.
Growing up my family would be considered very traditional, but my father was an involved, caring person. I never remember my mother having to argue with him on basic tasks and while he took care of largely repair and outdoor projects, at least we saw him provide an active role in the running of the household.
My question is how to raise my son to be the same type of person when his father regards any practical household task as menial and below him. If anybody has successfully raised a caring, productive and helpful young man, without the aid of a husband who demonstrates any of these traits, please share!
Quote: Tina Says: May 6th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I agree, men need to work on this also. Nagging does not work, but what about the man that will NOT communicate no matter what you do. I try to understand, but how can I understand when I don’t know what he is thinking. I even tried to get him to work on our marriage through this web site. He refused to talk about it. Night after night we go to bed with only words about what we have to do to keep our household running (3 boys). Nothing about “us”. There’s plenty of talk about work and the kids, but nothing about US as a couple.
I too go through the “no talking husband” issue. It kills me inside. For me, it’s hard because my husband and I fell in love as penpals and I know he’s capable of more, but now he tells me that’s “just not his personality.” So who was the guy I wrote to before??? I’ve been seeing a counselor and he recommends looking for different ways of communication. That my husband IS communicating just not with words. So I’m pulling back and looking at other things. Remember those psychology classes, thinking about the 5 love languages. I’m going to start writing them down, because I’ve been in this “you don’t talk to me” rut for so long, I don’t want to forget the things I do see. Maybe this is a possibility for you as well.
Plus, men don’t want to sit down and talk like women do. Stop pressuring him and nagging him. Go for a walk and let it happen naturally, but only hit on ONE issue at a time. Pick one and keep it light, let him even ENJOY the conversation. It will be very hard for you, but if you really want things to change, it will take effort. Give everything else you want to talk about over to God as a sacrificial offering. We do not get perfection on this earth. We get life with the hope of eternity. I’m learning to keep my focus there… and then, the things that don’t measure up in my daily life have less opportunity to disappoint and offend me.
I pray this is helpful. I was ministered to just writing it. I’d forgotten some of this myself.
Thanks!
Ignoring the negative behavior definately does NOT work! We have been married for 17 years and I have tried every imaginable approach to trying to address and fix our diferences and problems. He has used almost every imaginable excuse as to why he hasn’t or can’t “work” on the marriage. I have cried when he hurts or lets me and the kids down. I have made suggestion after suggestion (things for both of us to give on and work on), bought marriage help books, tried brain storming sessions where I encouraged his input as well. I tried all sorts of non-nagging fixes but eventually when my pleas were ignored I guess I did what would be considered nagging and even yelling because I had up to that point gotten no response. So what is the answer? For me it has been me giving up on me, any self respect I had left, and living with a broken heart and spirit. Even though he says he loves me, his actions do NOT reflect that and actions do speak louder than words! He simply does not care enough about me or the kids to even try to make any real or lasting changes. The most I have ever gotten is him to reluctantly agree to try, but his resolve only lasts a couple of days on average. From a response in this column, I agree with the statement that substantial and long lasting change MUST come from the heart and will. That statement was a real eye opener, even though in my heart I knew that. So a lesson for all of us is that if he really wants to change he will if not we either have to give up our souls or leave the marriage.
I completely disagree with this advice. I am not a nag in any way, shape or form, and I really should be! I praise the good behavior and ignore the bad and honestly that doesn’t motivate him to ever want to do his part. He simply doesn’t want to and won’t. I can recall a time when I was juggling 20 chores one day, and simply asked him to assist me by washing 1 load of whites. He purposely threw 1 red shirt in with the whites to ruin the load. His reasoning behind that? He said he was teaching me to never ask him to help again while he was watching football. Now, who was ‘training’ who exactly? Your advice is assuming that both partners want to help one another and that both are sane and reasonable. You should offer advice to those couples where one is a taker and the other a giver and how to balance that out. Until then, the only winners are the lazy asses!
I am the most selfish woman that I know. That’s probably why my husband and I had terrible fights on a daily basis in the first year of our marriage that sometimes ended up with police intervention, even though there was little physical violence. (Thankfully neither of us was ever arrested.) Verbal abuse was common, but both John and I are fighters rather than victims, so neither of us really acknowledged that it hurt.
I left for a while to figure things out and I came to the conclusion that everything resulted out of my wanting things my way. Most of our arguments were about how John didn’t care about “other people’s” (my) feelings, how John didn’t want to support my career but wanted me to support his (the hypocrite!), and how he didn’t do anything around the house (the lazy bum). Notice a trend? (It was all his fault.)
John would be in defensive mode and me in attack mode until we called each other all the names we could think of. It was soon like a war zone, with a running competition to see who can criticize the other in the most clever way and most frequently. We were so good at twisting past experiences and memories, misconstruing each other’s words that we left nothing untouched and everything was painted in the meanest, darkest, and nastiest way… and if we couldn’t find objective reality to pin our observations on each other, we would make them up, imagining up outside affairs, spiteful actions that didn’t happen, just so we can “avenge” it. If my parents or his parents knew the extent of our discontent with each other, they’d be so shocked! They’d have little faith in us. We certainly had none.
I left.
But after leaving for a few months and reflecting, I decided to change my priorities. I was my first priority and now I was going to make him my priority. I don’t believe in divorce so I was ready to try anything… even becoming a saint, however improbable. Of course I have my preferences, dreams, goals, and blah blah blah, but what gave me meaning in life was my spouse and who I wanted to be to those I love, not some dream of who I can appear to be to strangers. Realistically, if I drop the “principle of the issue” (which is another way of saying I want to be right), I can deal with some mess from John, make sure John succeeds in his career, and take on more of the roles that John wanted me to–because actually it was not much.
It was not even compromise, really, because in trying to do more of what John wanted, I gained an ally. He saw my limitations and began to help and do things that he used to say is not “man’s job.” I guess that’s what made me truly realize that in his heart of hearts, he loved me more than all the ideas he had in his head and his desire to be right. Our friendship and marriage is so stable and beautiful now, without us ever having had an actual “serious talk” about how to improve stuff. It just started with me not being so selfish… or uppity and really sincerely putting him first. We still haven’t had a talk about our relationship… we’re just happy and know so.
I think my job as a wife is to help John in every way possible to fulfill his dreams, his goals, and to look after his health and wellbeing. I try to be as nonargumentative as possible because it’s not good for his mental health to be angry and he’s quicker to anger than I am. So often, I find that I am the one in charge of making sure things don’t escalate. Less often, like yesterday, I was the one genuinely angry and he knew it–and so was schmoozing me all day… So it is not totally one-sided, just the frequency is lopsided.
We don’t say mean things to each other when angry anymore… actually, now that I think of it, both of us have taken to interesting habits to cool down. He goes out to the garage to “work on” his motorcycle or smoke an occasional cigar, and I go to the bookstore to read (my favorite thing to do)… Also, if I’m really mad, I get to go on a spending spree at the bookstore. Ha! Yesterday, I spent $130 on books. That’s how mad I was.
In putting him first, I enjoy of his ability to love all my flaws and put me first in little and big things. I think it made our ugly marriage into a holy, sacred thing because the attitude with which we received and gave our gestures of love or applications of attention was completely different and non-aggressive. I think it’s cute when he tells me he’s hungry now and think nothing of fixing him a snack, but I still remember a time when I used to veritably growl at him for daring to insinuate that I belong in the kitchen as a woman and should cater to his stomach at all times. lol
Because I know I am so selfish and can be a brat, I try to remind myself of my blessings and to give him the benefit of the doubt when I am really mad or upset. I hope things continue as it has… I know it’s up to me.
I’d like to applaud the men who replied here. You’re to be commended for being open to learning and growing as individuals and partners, and not being afraid to share feelings and insights – most refreshing! I’ve tried possibly every tactic imagineable in trying to get my husbands cooperation with household chores over the years. If I ask politely, I’m ignored. If I nag, he just digs his heels in even more. If I tell him how it makes me feel when he doesn’t do his share, he gives me lipservice and continues ignoring his chores. But I’m afraid there are alot more serious problems than this. Tell me this: How does a woman make any headway with issues in a relationship if the husband refuses to communicate? Whenever I mention a problem and ask for my husband’s input and feelings, the answer is always the same, “I don’t know how I feel.” When I prod him to at least give me some feedback on the issue and what he thinks we should do about it, I get a repeat answer, or he simply stares off into space claiming he’s “thinking” and then still has nothing to add to the conversation. It is so utterly frustrating and maddening, as nothing ever gets resolved or even discussed in a mutual way. I have been married to this man for 20 yrs., and it wasn’t always this bad or I would never have married him! But, over time he seems to have given over all responsibility of our family and relationship to me – not that I ever wanted it! I can’t even pin him down long enough to discuss financial matters without him walking away in mid-sentence (mine), or just telling me that he knows I will handle it okay and shrugs it off. I am at the point of thinking there may be no options other than a divorce from this man. Lately, when he has treated me poorly (verbally) and I call him on it, his instant reaction is to blame me for “provoking” him into his behavior. It doesn’t matter if I point out that he has CHOICES about how he behaves and that I have no responsibility in that. He refuses to be accountable for his actions, or to even acknowledge the behavior. So how can there be any hope for change? I absolutely yearn for a man I can sit down and have a stimulating, mutual conversation with – on any topic! My husband looks at his watch and keeps reminding me that the “fish are biting” whenever I try to interact with him. I’ve surprised him with margaritas and appetizers when he gets home from work, only to be told he wasn’t “expecting” it and just wants to eat dinner. (Yes, my feelings were very hurt!) There have even been times when I’m upset and crying over something and he basically has NO reaction. I’ve even had him fall asleep in the recliner while I’m trying to talk to him about my feelings. Talk about insulting!! I’ve suggested counseling, but gotten an unequivocal “no.” I’ve told him I’m at the end of my rope and feel like I’m in this marriage alone, and all I get is silence. I write long letters pouring my heart out, I read all sorts of self-help books and pass them on to him, but I don’t know if he ever even opens them. There’s never any discussion about the subject matter unless I bring it up, and then he has just a few general words to say and he’s “done.” There is no sharing of thoughts or feelings, no intimacy on an emotional level….or any other level. How can there be with this “brickwall!??” He has plenty of time/energy to plan activities with friends, but never plans anything for us as a couple. If he finds something for the family to do, he then wants to be in full control of all the details of the plans. He stresses about them for days beforehand, and then the day comes to go to the planned event, he is pacing and huffing and puffing if the family isn’t ready to go exactly when he wants to. Needless to say, there’s little fun in going anywhere with him. Am I crazy to stay in this marriage and to keep hoping and looking for ways to improve things? We do have a 12 yr. old daughter, so I can’t just pack up and walk out. I just feel so sad and alone…and trapped.
Thanks for the *ear*~
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