I am really excited. This will be my first time visiting, good work. Good stuff. ..!

Very interesting information! Thanks!

Bye

I left for a while to figure things out and I came to the conclusion that everything resulted out of my wanting things my way. Most of our arguments were about how John didn’t care about “other people’s” (my) feelings, how John didn’t want to support my career but wanted me to support his (the hypocrite!), and how he didn’t do anything around the house (the lazy bum). Notice a trend? (It was all his fault.)

John would be in defensive mode and me in attack mode until we called each other all the names we could think of. It was soon like a war zone, with a running competition to see who can criticize the other in the most clever way and most frequently. We were so good at twisting past experiences and memories, misconstruing each other’s words that we left nothing untouched and everything was painted in the meanest, darkest, and nastiest way… and if we couldn’t find objective reality to pin our observations on each other, we would make them up, imagining up outside affairs, spiteful actions that didn’t happen, just so we can “avenge” it. If my parents or his parents knew the extent of our discontent with each other, they’d be so shocked! They’d have little faith in us. We certainly had none.
I left.

But after leaving for a few months and reflecting, I decided to change my priorities. I was my first priority and now I was going to make him my priority. I don’t believe in divorce so I was ready to try anything… even becoming a saint, however improbable. Of course I have my preferences, dreams, goals, and blah blah blah, but what gave me meaning in life was my spouse and who I wanted to be to those I love, not some dream of who I can appear to be to strangers. Realistically, if I drop the “principle of the issue” (which is another way of saying I want to be right), I can deal with some mess from John, make sure John succeeds in his career, and take on more of the roles that John wanted me to–because actually it was not much.

It was not even compromise, really, because in trying to do more of what John wanted, I gained an ally. He saw my limitations and began to help and do things that he used to say is not “man’s job.” I guess that’s what made me truly realize that in his heart of hearts, he loved me more than all the ideas he had in his head and his desire to be right. Our friendship and marriage is so stable and beautiful now, without us ever having had an actual “serious talk” about how to improve stuff. It just started with me not being so selfish… or uppity and really sincerely putting him first. We still haven’t had a talk about our relationship… we’re just happy and know so.

I think my job as a wife is to help John in every way possible to fulfill his dreams, his goals, and to look after his health and wellbeing. I try to be as nonargumentative as possible because it’s not good for his mental health to be angry and he’s quicker to anger than I am. So often, I find that I am the one in charge of making sure things don’t escalate. Less often, like yesterday, I was the one genuinely angry and he knew it–and so was schmoozing me all day… So it is not totally one-sided, just the frequency is lopsided.

We don’t say mean things to each other when angry anymore… actually, now that I think of it, both of us have taken to interesting habits to cool down. He goes out to the garage to “work on” his motorcycle or smoke an occasional cigar, and I go to the bookstore to read (my favorite thing to do)… Also, if I’m really mad, I get to go on a spending spree at the bookstore. Ha! Yesterday, I spent $130 on books. That’s how mad I was.

In putting him first, I enjoy of his ability to love all my flaws and put me first in little and big things. I think it made our ugly marriage into a holy, sacred thing because the attitude with which we received and gave our gestures of love or applications of attention was completely different and non-aggressive. I think it’s cute when he tells me he’s hungry now and think nothing of fixing him a snack, but I still remember a time when I used to veritably growl at him for daring to insinuate that I belong in the kitchen as a woman and should cater to his stomach at all times. lol

Because I know I am so selfish and can be a brat, I try to remind myself of my blessings and to give him the benefit of the doubt when I am really mad or upset. I hope things continue as it has… I know it’s up to me.

I too go through the “no talking husband” issue. It kills me inside. For me, it’s hard because my husband and I fell in love as penpals and I know he’s capable of more, but now he tells me that’s “just not his personality.” So who was the guy I wrote to before??? I’ve been seeing a counselor and he recommends looking for different ways of communication. That my husband IS communicating just not with words. So I’m pulling back and looking at other things. Remember those psychology classes, thinking about the 5 love languages. I’m going to start writing them down, because I’ve been in this “you don’t talk to me” rut for so long, I don’t want to forget the things I do see. Maybe this is a possibility for you as well.

Plus, men don’t want to sit down and talk like women do. Stop pressuring him and nagging him. Go for a walk and let it happen naturally, but only hit on ONE issue at a time. Pick one and keep it light, let him even ENJOY the conversation. It will be very hard for you, but if you really want things to change, it will take effort. Give everything else you want to talk about over to God as a sacrificial offering. We do not get perfection on this earth. We get life with the hope of eternity. I’m learning to keep my focus there… and then, the things that don’t measure up in my daily life have less opportunity to disappoint and offend me.

I pray this is helpful. I was ministered to just writing it. I’d forgotten some of this myself.
Thanks!

My question is how to raise my son to be the same type of person when his father regards any practical household task as menial and below him. If anybody has successfully raised a caring, productive and helpful young man, without the aid of a husband who demonstrates any of these traits, please share!

This article is also too darn general in nature, and not one marriage is the same!!

Try again.