Comments on: Ask the Expert: Your Mother’s Day Challenge http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/ Free Marriage Articles, Advice and Tips For Better Communication, Less Fighting and More Intimacy Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Donna http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-1102 Donna Wed, 08 Aug 2007 19:39:33 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-1102 I have been married for almost four years and my husband was my best friend. The first year of our marriage, my husband had a job that he loved so much that he put it first and me second. He walked around with his behind on his shoulders and paid me no attention what so ever. Now that he has lost this job, he has started trying to control me, uses profane language with me (which he has never done before the job), clocks me on how long it should take me to get to work and home, goes through my cellphone and call all the numbers, accuses me of looking and talking to other men too much, the list goes on! I am at the point of walking away from this marriage. I suggested that we go to counseling, but he insist that it's me with the problems and everything is my fault. I am to the point that I cannot stand to even be around him. He grew up in home where his stepfather physically and mentally abused his mother and cheated on her, and also he was engaged in his previous relationship and caught his partner cheating. Does this have anything to do with his behavior? Please help me!!!!! I have been married for almost four years and my husband was my best friend. The first year of our marriage, my husband had a job that he loved so much that he put it first and me second. He walked around with his behind on his shoulders and paid me no attention what so ever. Now that he has lost this job, he has started trying to control me, uses profane language with me (which he has never done before the job), clocks me on how long it should take me to get to work and home, goes through my cellphone and call all the numbers, accuses me of looking and talking to other men too much, the list goes on! I am at the point of walking away from this marriage. I suggested that we go to counseling, but he insist that it’s me with the problems and everything is my fault. I am to the point that I cannot stand to even be around him. He grew up in home where his stepfather physically and mentally abused his mother and cheated on her, and also he was engaged in his previous relationship and caught his partner cheating. Does this have anything to do with his behavior? Please help me!!!!!

]]> By: Bridge http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-348 Bridge Mon, 14 May 2007 20:37:22 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-348 As stated above, the idea of being a role model really spoke to me. I think so often as a parent I am not motivated by what is best for me (not good, but often true), but am very motivated by what is best for my children. Maye the problem seems to large for me to handle now, but I can stop it in my kids? They don't have to "suffer" thru the same circumstances I do. Regarding our grandparents and their work ethics. I think the ethics are often the same today. We just have different models. Now, instead of working in the home and having that focus, we are overburdened because we have too many roles to play. We want to exceed and excel in all our rolls. But it's so hard to switch gears like that. It is for me anyway. To go from having my work simple and organized at work because I have a structured enviornment, to the comparative chaos that reigns when children are involved. The constant interruptions and needs. It's exhausting. The answer really is to SIMPLIFY and stop doing this we have to have a 2 income family. I am desperate to work back towards only 1 parent working - to the point of moving to another community where it's affordable. Think of everyone who wins... kids, family,schools,community, church, yourself. You'd have time to recharge during the day to care for the needs of your family when they come back home. To do the long hours at night that the job demands. We have just added too much to our lives! (in my "humble" opinion) As stated above, the idea of being a role model really spoke to me. I think so often as a parent I am not motivated by what is best for me (not good, but often true), but am very motivated by what is best for my children. Maye the problem seems to large for me to handle now, but I can stop it in my kids? They don’t have to “suffer” thru the same circumstances I do.

Regarding our grandparents and their work ethics. I think the ethics are often the same today. We just have different models. Now, instead of working in the home and having that focus, we are overburdened because we have too many roles to play. We want to exceed and excel in all our rolls. But it’s so hard to switch gears like that. It is for me anyway. To go from having my work simple and organized at work because I have a structured enviornment, to the comparative chaos that reigns when children are involved. The constant interruptions and needs. It’s exhausting.

The answer really is to SIMPLIFY and stop doing this we have to have a 2 income family. I am desperate to work back towards only 1 parent working – to the point of moving to another community where it’s affordable. Think of everyone who wins… kids, family,schools,community, church, yourself. You’d have time to recharge during the day to care for the needs of your family when they come back home. To do the long hours at night that the job demands. We have just added too much to our lives! (in my “humble” opinion)

]]> By: Adlet http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-332 Adlet Wed, 09 May 2007 19:40:18 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-332 l was frustrated in a relationship l still wish this relationship would work, coz deep down l love my husband. His reason for our problem was every woman's talks and man's unwillingness to listen problem,( talking to somebody who does not want to listen to you and looks down on your opinions about the running of the home.) l've tried to break the ice but he does not respond or if he does he shows great anger and disgust, l don't know what to do. Pliz help l was frustrated in a relationship l still wish this relationship would work, coz deep down l love my husband. His reason for our problem was every woman’s talks and man’s unwillingness to listen problem,( talking to somebody who does not want to listen to you and looks down on your opinions about the running of the home.) l’ve tried to break the ice but he does not respond or if he does he shows great anger and disgust, l don’t know what to do. Pliz help

]]> By: Phyl http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-302 Phyl Mon, 07 May 2007 19:17:24 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-302 So true. We need to be kind AND firm. How can we give to others when we have an empty gas tank ourselves? Jesus said to love others as ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, then we become martyrs, crabbies, or worse. WE ARE WORTH IT!! You are worth it!! God loves us, and we are worth some time alone. AND, it makes us nicer people to be with.;-)) D So true. We need to be kind AND firm. How can we give to others when we have an empty gas tank ourselves? Jesus said to love others as ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves, then we become martyrs, crabbies, or worse. WE ARE WORTH IT!! You are worth it!! God loves us, and we are worth some time alone. AND, it makes us nicer people to be with.;-))

D

]]> By: Peniey http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-301 Peniey Mon, 07 May 2007 19:04:36 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-301 The part about what we are showing as a role model is the most prominate to me. We have learned over many, many years to "be-it-all" because of what we saw in our mothers, grandmothers, etc. They were always up before we were, busy all day (usually only on the hosuework) and then the last to go to bed. As society has grown, we have added our own things to that schedule thinking we have to "be-it-all", we just forget the fact that they had different circumstances than most of us do today. Only in the last several years, has it become more common place to have a two parent working hosuehold. Times have changed and took so many people by surprise, they forgot how to divide things out. We didn't ever see a lot of what the women before us did, but the way things lasted, I'm sure they took time for themselves. We just have to learn to recharge. Personally, I saw a difference in my own children when I was running without a finishline in sight versus when I forced a slow down and put them in day care. Big difference on many levels for the whole family. I have gotten away from them seeing how important it still is for mommy to have alone time, but am working on it. They have to know it is okay from us before they think it will be okay for them to do it too. And if you are saying but not doing, it speaks bigger volume to them than you doing AND saying. The part about what we are showing as a role model is the most prominate to me. We have learned over many, many years to “be-it-all” because of what we saw in our mothers, grandmothers, etc. They were always up before we were, busy all day (usually only on the hosuework) and then the last to go to bed. As society has grown, we have added our own things to that schedule thinking we have to “be-it-all”, we just forget the fact that they had different circumstances than most of us do today. Only in the last several years, has it become more common place to have a two parent working hosuehold. Times have changed and took so many people by surprise, they forgot how to divide things out. We didn’t ever see a lot of what the women before us did, but the way things lasted, I’m sure they took time for themselves. We just have to learn to recharge.

Personally, I saw a difference in my own children when I was running without a finishline in sight versus when I forced a slow down and put them in day care. Big difference on many levels for the whole family. I have gotten away from them seeing how important it still is for mommy to have alone time, but am working on it. They have to know it is okay from us before they think it will be okay for them to do it too. And if you are saying but not doing, it speaks bigger volume to them than you doing AND saying.

]]> By: Helen http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-261 Helen Mon, 07 May 2007 00:49:18 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-261 I agree with the majority of the advice in this letter. I agree that women live in a place of sacrifice for their families when they don't need to do so. I believe that women often work themselves half to death in hopes that someone (their husbands?) will see and appreciate and reciprocate the effort to some extent. Occasionally that happens, oftentimes it doesn't. So, we have to take care of ourselves. Hire a housekeeper--if that takes money away from the play fund, oh well. A necessary caveat--you have to sacrifice your (probably impossibly) high housekeeping standards in order to carve out this time for yourself. Also, a woman needs to be prepared for a GREAT DEAL of grumbling and refusal to recognize her right to time alone and self-care. Do it anyway and shrug off the grumbling. Remember your dreams--you've a right to them. I agree with the majority of the advice in this letter. I agree that women live in a place of sacrifice for their families when they don’t need to do so. I believe that women often work themselves half to death in hopes that someone (their husbands?) will see and appreciate and reciprocate the effort to some extent. Occasionally that happens, oftentimes it doesn’t.
So, we have to take care of ourselves. Hire a housekeeper–if that takes money away from the play fund, oh well.

A necessary caveat–you have to sacrifice your (probably impossibly) high housekeeping standards in order to carve out this time for yourself.
Also, a woman needs to be prepared for a GREAT DEAL of grumbling and refusal to recognize her right to time alone and self-care. Do it anyway and shrug off the grumbling.

Remember your dreams–you’ve a right to them.

]]> By: Rem http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-260 Rem Mon, 07 May 2007 00:48:14 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-260 The advices are great and practical. To be honest, this is how i work on my daily routine as a wife and a working mom. Spouse's support is just as important as my husband allows me to do the activities I love to engage in. Thank you. The advices are great and practical. To be honest, this is how i work on my daily routine as a wife and a working mom. Spouse’s support is just as important as my husband allows me to do the activities I love to engage in. Thank you.

]]> By: Rose http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/comment-page-1/#comment-237 Rose Sun, 06 May 2007 15:40:18 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/05/mothersday/#comment-237 I love this answer. Thank you. I love this answer. Thank you.

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