Readers’ Responses to Our Last Question
In last month’s newsletter, we asked readers to submit their answers to The Voice of Experience question: What’s the best sex advice you ever got? Here’s what you told us!
“It sounds cheesy, but the best advice I ever got on sex was really simple: Speak Up and Pay Attention. How will you know what your spouse likes if you don’t pay attention to them? And how will your spouse know what you like if you don’t tell them?
If you aren’t enjoying sex, tell your spouse. Don’t just lay back and take it: sex isn’t just a duty to be performed. It’s an integral part of married life. And if you’re concerned that your spouse isn’t enjoying sex, ask them about it. Never, ever assume that someone will speak up when something is wrong. They may be embarrassed or ashamed.”
-Lisa*
“‘Never say no!’ And a good night in bed starts at the breakfast table.”
-Debra
“Ask and tell your spouse what feels good and what doesn’t. Neither is a mind reader. If you don’t communicate you may allow your spouse to do what you don’t like. For example I hate blowing in my ear and it gives me an earache. So I told my husband in a loving manner that doesn’t work but kissing my neck will.”
-Jessica
“My husband and I have been married almost 12 yrs. (27th of May) and things couldn’t have been better. They haven’t always been easy, but they have always gotten better. We have 3 small children: ages 6, 4, and 3. we started our marriage out reading Dr. Clark’s book, “The Triumphant Marriage” and I always go back to that anytime I am feeling a need to make things better. Almost like a ‘Marriage Handbook’.
The best sex advice I received was actually from his book. I believe it is Secret #5 Work on Chemistry: Maximize Passion and Romance. We have always tried to do something sweet for each other such as notes in lunch boxes, “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” or notes posted everywhere about how important s/he is to you. I think if you are building your passion and romance on a regular basis, it will trickle to the bedroom. It certainly has for us.
Life couldn’t be better than to be with my soul mate and be perfectly content and happy.”
-Jennifer
“It’s the little things that keep your sex life going. Not one partner should always be the one to instigate things and surprises at different times of the day are good too. Never go to bed angry and having angry sex certainly helps to get past an argument.”
-RJ
“The best sex advice I ever received was serendipitous and on protecting myself from infidelity. I had recently become engaged at a fairly young age in 1985 Canadian culture, (I was 20, my fiancČe 18) and I was sharing with my pastor something personal that I found ironic. Prior to my engagement, I had noticed women as one notices the masses; they were okay but nothing stood apart. Now that I had committed to one person, I was seeing beautiful women everywhere! His chuckle, and the gleam in his eyes, told me of his very real understanding. He then gave me a piece of advice that I have not only never forgotten, but I cherish it to this day. “Son” he said to me in his strong German way, “when you see a beautiful women, take a good look…just don’t look twice. It’s the second look that gets you into trouble!” That wondrously liberating phrase has kept my wife and me faithfully in love for over twenty years. We recognize beauty when we see it as something that God created specifically to be noticed and appreciated, but we remember the vow we made to forsake all others. The best part is that after all these years, the sex has developed into a lovemaking that is not irrespective of longing, it is focused longing and passion; as opposed to diluted and distracted attention from wandering thoughts on other potential partners. God’s ways truly are best.”
-Grant
“Sex is NOT about the end result, but about the activity–whatever that may be 
!! This takes the pressure off of either partner, doesn’t put a time limit on it, and makes room for intimate growth and pure pleasure!!”
-Rebecca
“If I was starting over in my marriage, I’d not be so worried about my body. How much fun and joy did I miss out on by worrying about how I looked?
Throw out all the fashion magazines, and when your husband tells you he enjoys your body, or that you’re sexy to him, BELIEVE IT. Don’t talk yourself out of it because of some ridiculous standard that not even Hollywood lives up to, not without drugs and surgery.”
-Marie
“For women, romance is in their heart. Take care of her emotional needs and she’ll love you forever. For men, romance is in their dick. Take care of their sexual needs, and they’ll love you forever.”
-Molly
“One time my husband tried to dance with me in front of some women at church. I was embarrassed until one of the elderly women looked at me and said, “If you don’t dance with him, honey, some other little chick will!” I have never forgotten that. So now I make it a point to enjoy my husband’s gestures. He has a need to love and I want to be on the receiving end– not some other little chick!”
-Greta
“A wife who is rigid can change. At first you may have sex even when you don’t feel like it. Then after awhile, you will realize the benefits of it: you sleep better, you feel more secure in your relationship, you actually feel confident, etc. Men have to have sex about every 48 hours on average because of the way their bodies are built by God. Your man is made this way; he cannot help it; therefore, we cannot be prudish toward him or ignorant of the facts.”
-Anonymous
“The two main reasons that men cheat (or so we have read) are not enough sex and not enough variety with sexual experiences at home… The number one reason women cheat? You guessed it, we’re lonely. We like to be told that we’re beautiful and all that other sappy crap. As a marriage that came from two broken relationships with married persons (affairs) my husband and I have learned alot. It’s actually what caused us to meet in the first place! Maybe it’s made us a little crazier for it, but definitely alot wiser in the end. The main idea of this story… Don’t stray. There is no amount of sexual pleasure that can amount to the pain, heartache, or devastation it would cause to your marriage. Trust us. We know.”
-Kelly
“Never with hold sex because you are mad at your spouse. It will only hurt you and your relationship.”
-Dani
“The best sex advice I ever got was to make sure that both of us kept communicating about our wishes and needs, and that neither of us should EVER do anything we felt uncomfortable with or anything our partner felt uncomfortable with. This simple rule covers a lot of ground – if you don’t feel good about it, don’t do it; if your partner doesn’t feel good about it, stop doing it! This includes things that one partner might do alone…such as view pornography.”
-Heather
“This has changed everything for us, so don’t miss this one if you need a little more lubrication (which is sometimes necessary as we age, ladies): Kama Sutra oils, available online from Amazon.com. Enjoy!
For middle aged couples, read the books The Act of Marriage Over 40 (by the LaHayes), Sex Over 40 (by an MD). They cover it ALL.
God invented sex, so talk to each other, find out how to truly enjoy each other. The husband absolutely needs to satisfy the woman before he satisfies himself. This is the KEY to making her want you more!!! (Hello, if she is not having any fun, she isn’t going to want to make love very often…) However, the wife might need to take a more active role in helping her mate, especially as he ages.
Be willing to talk and experiment with new routines. Don’t settle for less than being fulfilled, which is what God intended!”
-Cassandra
“Be open at all times and take full advantage of opportunities both planned and unplanned. Go with it even if you’re not initially in the mood. It can change quickly.”
-Michael
“Since we have different interest levels or desires at times, the suggestion we received was for each of us have two nights per week (could be more or less depending upon the couple…) where it was that persons night. For example, Tuesday and Friday are Sally’s and Wednesday and Saturday are Joe’s. On your night, you get to choose the activities that will (or won’t) take place — as long as your partner is comfortable with them. On your night you can choose a special fantasy, to receive the type of foreplay you desire most, or perhaps you just want a night off. The next evening is for your partner so there is a balance of frequency and desired activities.”
-Jeff
“Sex is sometimes not easy to talk about especially when it comes to specifics. The best advise I got was its not about me, it’s about pleasuring your partner or simply, the more you give, the more you get. Sometimes this required some education from my partner as well as reading several good sex education books. The result is a much more fulfilling experience and amazing sex.”
-Kyle
“I’ve been married almost 24 years.
The best sex advice I got was from my mum.
I need to be sexually committed to not just my hubby but to our relationship as a whole.
That way if I am committed to making the relationship work, in millions of little ways, by thoughtfulness, honesty truth, and kindness, then our intimacy and sex life will remain stable, and faithful.”
-Risa
“Listen to her desires.”
-Greg
“Touch as you like being touched. Take your time. Relax.”
-Franklin
“Debbie & I am a committed couple. I lost my wife to lung cancer 5 years ago and Sandy was divorced 20 years when we got together in 2003. My only sexual experience was my wife of 38 years although the last 10 years of the marriage we did not engage in sex at her request. I managed my desires with porn video tapes. They kept me sane. When Debbie and I got together we discussed sex. I wanted a sexual relationship and so did she so we bought “Getting it Up.” Since we are both retired, we read the book together in bed in the evening and the morning, time permitting. Needless to say, the sexual juices were revived in no time and today, 5 years later, we still enjoy one another at least a couple times a week and never miss cuddling each other in the evening and the morning. It is far better than I ever imagined it could be for a couple of 66 year old people.”
-Cameron
“Although I have never expected ‘perfect sex’ with my life-partner each and every time we have sex, I often questioned how to avoid having our sex-life become so-so and predictable and, especially, how to avoid worrying that so-so sex meant we were losing touch with each other. Something I read made it click for me and I’ve never worried since. What I read compared sex to dining out. When we dine out, we sometimes splurge on something really special and get an exemplary meal, with wonderful service –an unforgettable experience. Other times we’re happy with take-out –still yummy, but more of an ‘every day’, average experience. If we don’t expect 5 star meals every time we eat out, why would we expect 5 star sex every time too! Sometimes we just want to have a quick little nibble, and other times we want to linger and enjoy every minute of it. Both are just fine! And if sex were 5 star every time, there wouldn’t be anything to make it stand out now would there!”
-Drew
“Any sex from your wife is GOOD SEX!”
-Marc
“I’ve been reading quite a bit, and found the most important advice is: be enthusiastic. I thoroughly enjoy sex when attention is focused — he enjoys me and I enjoy him, and we are both paying each other full attention, wanting each other to come to that blissful state. The bliss, however, only comes when our minds are together in love, and our attention is focused on each other (not the kids, or the dishes, or work, etc.). This takes work, but is well worth the effort.”
-Lou
“To have a healthy sex life is to have sex more than twice a week. Make it like a chore that you have to do daily.”
-Gina
“As a young teenager, fumbling my way around girlfriends trying to work out what it’s all about I was given some advice by a friend of the family. Spend longer than you think enjoying kissing lips, neck and nipples before moving elsewhere … focus on turning her on and not on turning you on.
Done that for so long now that I often forget about me and enjoy the sensations, tastes and feel of a multi-climactic (sp?) woman.”
-Robert
“My own advice is to make love to your woman as if its going to be the last time and you want both of ya’ll to cherish the memory.”
-Joe
“The best way to get closer to my mate is to get closer to Jesus. A long married friend of ours told us the marriage relationship is a like a triangle-Jesus at the top and the two of us at the bottom one on each side. The closer the bottom points (me and my spouse) get to the top point of the triangle (Jesus in this case) the lesser the distance between the two bottom points themselves is the sum of this analogy.
I have found this to be true in bringing in intimacy in the bedroom as well.
Another good advice from a good Christian Marriage counselor Mr. Irwin Lall is: The biggest sexual organ that man or woman has been endowed is the-lots of people think its the penis in the mans’ case and the breasts or the vagina in the woman’s’ case (Both of us are doctors and so please understand that we use these terms quite clinically)-brain. Unless emotional problems and communication gaps are sorted out at the mind and heart level, intimacy in the bedroom is not possible.”
-Jill
“The best advice we have gotten as a couple and that which I have sought out independently, as a women, wife and mother is; One, you must date each other often. We do this once a week. It enables us to stay connected in each others lives and see each other as individuals and as a couple, not just parents. Secondly, exercise. If you feel good about yourself, you will feel good about engaging your spouse. Finally, purpose in your mind, or schedule if you prefer that language, a time in your day when you will get together to engage intimately. As wives and mothers, we tend to pour out alot during our day, emotionally, physically. If you have “planned” in your head that you will have sex that evening with your husband, then the chances are more likely it will. By the time you get to bed with “good intentions” you are too tired and don’t want to “give” of yourself anymore. If you already have a plan in your head, perhaps communicated it and prepared for it then you both have a sense of romantic anticipation.”
-Monica
“Shortly before a childhood friend got married, her mom told her, “Once you’re married, never say no to sex.” This sounds old-fashioned and severe, but when I got married a year ago, I applied it to my own marriage to see how it would work.
It doesn’t mean allowing your husband to demand sex, or having sex when you’re hurt or not feeling well. It means giving it to him as something he deserves, not something he has to earn or something you do only when you feel like it.
Just like I expect my husband to love me and hold my hand even if he’s not “in the mood,” my love (i.e. sex) is always available to him. This way, sex is never a bargaining chip. And sometimes I find that when things are a little strained between us, some tender nonverbal communication works wonders!”
-Elizabeth
“We have learned a great deal from one another thus far and have many years and experiences to learn from ahead! Other than the advice and feedback we have given to one another on our sexual relationship (the most helpful and personal to us), I was given the best sexual advice from a spiritual leader during our engagement 16 years ago. He told me that our sexual differences could be related to cooking or baking. Most Men are like microwaves; they can heat up and cook almost instantly. While most women are like a traditional oven, they take time to preheat and may not always be ready to bake for awhile. Give them time and affection before you are interested in baking…appreciate your differences. Hope this helps. Best Wishes!”
-Javier
“Hi,
I found out in a hard way that sex with my wife was really an art not an act. She continually made me understand that it is not the vigor not my size that satisfies her. I quite agree with this because of her response whenever I am tender and romantic. Her satisfaction is obvious whenever I start with sexy conversation earlier in the day.
No matter how, she has always responded excitedly starting out with the talk, then the touch. The touch is actually the firepower of any sex. Try it. From the back of the neck, the spine, lightly on the bum, to the legs… continually caressing. The rest is whatever your imagination can carry.
As much as possible, discover how to give your wife pleasure first, that way your pleasure will mount up as you see her satisfied.
These are the lesson notes from my Pastor!!!”
-Anonymous
“I wish to remain anonymous as I share 2 things. 1) I was advised to enjoy my husband & never to say no, which I never have. 2) My biggest change was a change in how I looked at sex. I began to look at it not as my husband taking from me, but rather him imparting to me. During that time, I’m his total focus; I enjoy that. I also take very seriously that I’m the only one who is to meet his sexual needs, so I work at keeping in shape & not getting too heavy, even after 7 kids!”
-Anonymous
“After my youngest child was born I suffered from really bad post partum depression which left me feeling drained and not sexual at all. After about 15 months when my marriage was about to end I began listening to Dr. Laura gain. She told a woman who was in a similar circumstance the next time her husband tried to be intimate with her to ask him to hold on. Go to the bathroom take a shower and while there get herself in the mood by thinking of how it was before. Come back to him and even if you don’t yet feel like it succumb to his advances. She said if you open up and quit fighting it you will begin to come around. These days my husband and I have a very good sex life because we give in even though we don’t feel like it.”
-Jenna
“The best sex advice I ever received was to do not wait for your partner to make the first move. And ask your partner for what you want.”
-May
“Make time for a 10 second kiss every day. You won’t believe what happens later.”
-Thomas
“Our first years of marriage were difficult and frustrating for both of us. Our pre-marriage counseling was very limited and from a priest so the sexual advice was not form a good source. Then I talked one day with a Christian man who said the act of physical sex I had to work on pleasing my wife and not myself. When I learned that, finally my wife could connect with me during physical intimacy. It has become totally fulfilling for both of us know.”
-Christopher
“Before entering into the bed, make sure the forgiveness has already been done. You can leave the dishes, but not forgiveness.
Forgiveness (if needed) allows the communication between two souls to commence more freely during intimacy.
And, in the case of older couples, allows the love communication without sex to flow freely.”
-Pam
“My best sex advice came during Church service yesterday. It was our Singles’ Day in Church and we had a guest-minister lady that has a proven ministry in that area. She spoke on “The Clean Marriage Bed” (Heb. 13; 4). Along the line in her message in which she said so many things about sex, she mentioned how wrong information/ideas come through videos containing sex and romance. She mentioned how, for example, many of them give the impression that the sex act last so long – she mentioned 20 minutes as the least many of them depict. When married couples were asked during the message whether it is really always so, it was clear it is not. If I were not this informed, I will base the success of my sexual experience on how long and not how well.”
-Don
“Talk about sex.Tell your partner what turns you on and what turns you off. Tell each other what you enjoy most about making love. Remember it’s something that both of you should enjoy.”
-Katie
“The best advice we’ve gotten has been not to have a television in the bedroom!”
-Anonymous
“The best advice I have ever been given was to love when you both want it, and not when it is “perfect”. Meaning: even though you both may be exhausted, having a small love session can sometimes rev your engines. But don’t push the other one into it. Waiting for the right moment, may not always come along.”
-Ralph
“I read in a magazine that “quickies” saved a couples marriage. After having 3 kids, I was just too tired to be intimate with my husband, and he needed intimacy. After talking about our feelings, we decided that ‘quickies’ would work for us. I didn’t feel so much pressure and my husband was also getting what he needed.”
-Sarah
“The best ‘advice’, if it can be called that, came from The Song of Solomon. Once I had read it and studied it from Tommy Nelson’s materials, I realized the truth of several insights that I had perhaps believed on some level but hadn’t really understood as necessarily biblical.
Most people have many mistaken ideas about sex. Men mostly draw wrong conclusions from the media (including, but not limited to, pornography) while women\’s misunderstandings stem from more wholesome sources, such as what their momma told them, their girlfriends told them, or even what their church told them.
I have heard most everything–all men want is sex, good girls (i.e., wives) don’t do such things (or don’t enjoy it), sex is just for the man, all a man desires from sex is purely physical release, a wife can’t enjoy sex as much as her husband does, procreation is the only good reason for having sex, sex is not a vital part of a “good” marriage, blah, blah, blah. I have not found any of these ideas in the Word of God. In fact, I am pretty sure that the Song of Solomon refutes each one.
I would encourage couples to explore God’s marriage manual in The Song of Solomon, especially with Pastor Nelson’s stellar materials, and see if their notions of sex are indeed God’s thoughts or whether they have adopted worldly, even if well-intended, ideas.”
-Caleb
“Best advice I’ve ever gotten was laugh a lot, but never in the middle of sex! Joking aside, on our wedding day – our best man and mistress of ceremonies told us to remember that we now belong to each other and it’s alright to have fun. So many of my friends were uptight and stoic about sex that it really limited them as a couple. We’ve done some pretty silly things but they’ve always drawn us closer!”
- Sheryl
“Putting your spouse first; him or her in any given situation. Give them alone your quality time first and foremost; and watch you relationship begin to blossom with continued positive growth!”
- Patti
“Two things:
1) There’s long sex and short sex. Both are okay and important.
2) Sex for a man is how he shows his love and receives it. Denying him that is like a man telling a woman that he doesn’t want to talk to her.”
- Suzy
“Make your sex life a regular topic of conversation – ask for feedback and be prepared to accept it. For my husband and I, this helps avoid frustration and keeps us focused on mutual concerns rather than our own gratification.”
- Edna
“The best advice I ever got was to be “selfish” in bed. A friend told me, “If you don’t ask your partner for what you want, he will never know. At the same time, don’t assume what he likes. Ask him, too”. I am usually satisfied and from the comments, I believe my partner is also.”
Denise
“In his book Surprised by Joy, C. S. Lewis stated that sex should be approached with much humor and light-heartedness. That has helped me and my new husband immensely as we are trying to get used to each other’s bodies.”
-Anonymous
“Best sex advice ever gotten: for a woman, when in a “dry spell”, relax! Don’t focus so much on getting in the mood, being in the mood, or “the happy ending”–just focus on how the bodies fit together, sights, smells, touch, etc. Sometimes the other stuff will just fall into place, other times it won’t. But it’s important to remember to a: take care of yourself–say no when you’re genuinely too tired or too stressed. but b: to remember that a man feels closest and connected to a woman during the sexual union–it’s the ultimate compliment to a man to have a woman give herself to him and make herself utterly available. For that reason, it’s important for a woman to just try sometimes, even when not in the mood, to “take one for the team” sometimes even if she’s not up to it, because the results both for her as an individual and for the couple are bountiful.”
-Lynn
“Do NOT have a television in your bedroom! Your bedroom should NEVER have the same feelings as does your family room or living room. If you are watching TV in bed, than get rid of the TV or put it in a different room and you will soon be doing more than television watching in your bedroom 
”
-Donna
“Never use sex as a negotiation or bargaining tool. Sex should be a form of communication of love, respect and passion. It shouldn’t be used to get your way or make a point.”
-Leslie
“ASK your partner what is pleasurable, no matter what anyone else says or does. It is your partner you are satisfying, not society.”
-Tom
“Be open to trying new things. Sometimes simple things like paints or whip cream can really spice things up. Remember sheets can be washed so have fun.”
-Frances
“Our medical doctor, who was also a personal friend, told us that love to a woman is talking and to a man it is sex. It has been true in our marriage. However, as we have been married almost 32 years on June 14-Flag Day, , we have discovered that both of those are ways of connecting to one another. Over the years I have understood what the intimacy of sex communicates to my husband, and he understands how I need the time of communication to feel connected to each other in order to be more responsive to him.”
-Anonymous
*All names have been changed.
Tags: For Men, For Women, Sex and Romance
