How to Give Her What She Needs
Lean in. We are going to tell you a secret about women. Are you ready? All right, here goes: Women like to talk. What? As a married man with a pulse, you already knew that one? Well, do you know this little gem? Women also like to be listened to when they talk. That’s not a bombshell either, you say? That’s just common knowledge? Well, that’s strange, because every day couples tell us that communication is their biggest marital frustration.
Listening: Why She Needs It
She nags all the time. She withholds sex. She only pays attention to the kids. You’ve heard them all before — the pet peeves men readily point out about their wives. They’ve become comedic fodder for sitcoms and stand-up comedians. But instead of just laughing at the caricature of the annoying wife, take a moment to look at what’s behind the joke. What you’re likely to find is a husband who doesn’t listen to his wife and a marriage in trouble. Not very funny, is it?
We know, we know. It is hard to listen when you are tired and busy and pressured. We know sometimes you just want a little peace and quiet when you come home after a long day. But listening is love in action. Listening is one of the most loving things you can do for your wife. It is a sign of affirmation. It is the best way to feed another person’s self-esteem and need to connect. In fact, experts suggest that almost all marital conflicts could be resolved if each partner would seek to understand before being understood; in other words, if each person would prioritize listening over being heard.
Here’s another critical point for men to grasp: Listening does not have to mean approval of the message, but it does need to convey acceptance of the messenger. In other words, listening doesn’t mean you tacitly agree with what your wife is saying. The point is, you just need to let her say it. She needs to feel that you are giving her respect and love before she can share herself with you. Period.
Remember, your wife is likely to share her feelings in conversations with you, along with the opinions and thoughts that define how she expresses herself. Accept that her feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept that feelings come and go and change quickly. Try to not judge your spouse because of feelings she expresses to you. Let her vent. If you consistently give her the gift of your undivided, genuine attention, you will notice an almost immediate impact on your marriage.
Pose Questions She Is Dying to Answer
Though there’s no one right way to listen, subtle tweaks in how you initiate conversation can make a big difference. For example, the way you ask your wife a question can be powerful in building connectedness. Instead of asking questions that result in a yes or no answer, try asking open-ended questions.
Don’t say: “Did you have a good day?”
Instead, try: “What happened today?” or “Tell me about your day.”These questions tell your wife, “You are very important to me.” They demonstrate that you are interested in her and want to reconnect with her after being apart.
Don’t say: “Is it really my turn to do the dishes again?”
Instead, try: “How can I help you?” or “What can I take off your to-do list?”These questions show her your love and respect for her. They show her your consideration for all she does. They show her you are her partner and want to do your share.
Don’t make decisions — even if they seem trivial to you — without engaging your wife.
Instead, try asking her more often: “What do you think?” This opens the conversation to the other person’s views. Remember, women are socialized to expect decisions to be discussed first and to be made by consensus. While men normally take “What do you think” to mean being asked to make a decision, for her the question is an invitation to converse. This question also taps into a woman’s deepest need to be understood.
Final Tip
If communication isn’t your forte, we suggest something we call “micro-communications.” If you have ever taken golf lessons, you know that the instructor begins by having you focus on only one skill at a time. First you learn how to hold the club. Then you’ll focus exclusively on your grip. Next the position of your feet becomes the focal point., then your shoulders.
The same is true of getting out of bad communication habits. Try focusing on one skill at a time. Remember what you’ve learned: a woman never feels more honored and loved than when she feels truly heard by her husband. So in your next conversation, focus on just listening. Make it your goal to seek to understand before being understood. We challenge you to try saying less and listening more. Don’t worry about anything else. By limiting yourself in this way, you can better put into practice what you need to have good communication — one skill at time.
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Loading …Tags: Communication, For Men, Gender Differences
23 Responses to “How to Give Her What She Needs”
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This got me. My marriage relationship has been declining for quite some time. We have seen therapists individually and then with both together. Nothing changed. Then several months ago we needed the services of a family therapist. We saw the family therapist as a couple on several occasions. She gave us a book to read. I read a portion of it, but my spouse didn’t pick it up. In the last couples session with her she asked us how we felt about our marriage. I answered first and told her that after what I had read in the book I was most unwilling to consider divorce. My wife’s answer was different. She expressed that she was pretty much through with our marriage and for several reasons. I sat there and looked at her (and listened) as she spoke and then I turned to our therapist. Our therapist was not about to go into a fit of rage or fall on the floor in a heap like I might have wanted to do. No, she simply and calmly acknowledged what my wife had said and then began to help her open more about what she found wrong with our relationship. Well, before the session ended we had both agreed to couples counseling with another therapist. I think I got an inkling that day of the utter importance of listening. That was two weeks ago and I can’t say everything has changed since, but something really different happened today. My children and I picked my wife up from work. I new that she was under some unusual pressure at work and asked her how things were and what had happened. For some strange reason our children stayed quiet and we all listened. As she talked and even told a story about something special she had done that I could easily tell that she felt genuinely good about herself. It was a truly special thing that happened and it definitely had something to do with listening.
I blushed to read your suggestions, as I often let my mind wander when my wife is talking to me.
That is about to change!
Thank you, I greatly appreciate this little gem, for helping me save my marriage.
What you have written is so very, very accurate!
It seems that when I stop what I’m doing and carefully listen to what my wife is saying (and not saying), she feels somehow ‘validated’, in a way ‘approved’. When I devote my attention to what is important to her, she knows she is my focal point, and that I am interested her and in what is important to her.
When you were in school, did you ever have a teacher who would hear your words but ignore your emotions? Felt bad, didn’t it? Seemed like you were just being tolerated, not appreciated. This same concept is so much more important in marriage! You are worth much more to your spouse than any teacher ever was! And if you are the most significant person in your spouse’s life, wouldn’t it be reasonable to think that your spouse’s opinion of what you think of them is going to be a major element in their life?
Of course it is!
This has worked well for us for the last 24 years, and I expect it will continue to work on into the future.
You are so right! And I know this, but . . . I failed. I teach marriage enrichment classes, I have for years and I speak about “lamentation talk,” where the wife needs to vent, to express her frustations, anxieties and concerns. I teach that she doesn’t need the man to Mr. Fixit, but to listen. Still, one day after a particularly difficult day where a couple on the verge of divorce had me on the phone for most of the day in alternating phone calls, I was emotionally spent. So when my wife came home and woke from from a deep sleep, with the statement, “I hate my job,” I failed. I said, “I’m well aware of that and, frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it.” It was as though I had slammed the door in her face. Now she doesn’t open up to me about her work frustrations, and I am afraid of what keeping it all inside might mean. So now, because of a word spoken rashly, I must rebuild trust. All she needs is someone to listen and to say, “Everything is going to be all-right.” I still want to be that someone.
I read this and Steve’s comment (May 23 at 9:06 p.m.) with great interest. A month ago, I was exactly where you were in your therapy session, Steve. It was over for her, and I was vehemently opposed to divorce or separation. Like you, we have children, and our 11-year marriage had been in a steady decline for years. My wife had determined that she could no longer accept that I couldn’t give her what she needed in a husband, no matter how much she thought of me as a person. The problem was listening; I listened and thought I heard, she thought I didn’t. I was always certain that being the listener, I was the one who knew if I heard her or not, and she was wrong and just being irrational. But when she told me she wanted a divorce, and after the emotions of anger and fear and pain settled down some (which took a few weeks), I had an epiphany. I realized I had not been hearing her. One line in the above article stands out to me as the problem: I was seeking to be understood before understanding. Or, to borrow from Gordon’s comment, I was just plain checking out when she talked sometimes. The point was, she KNEW I loved her, but, again like the article says, knowing is not enough. I need to show it, and that’s what we’re both doing now.
I wrote my wife a letter telling her that although I figured it was too little too late, I had realized my fault in all of this. I explained that I understood and that I wanted to make things right, and that I would spend the rest of our lives doing that if she had one more chance in her. I honestly didn’t think she did; I thought I was writing a letter that maybe she could look back on someday as something worthy of giving me a positive relationship in divorce. But either way, I wanted her to know the extent of my love and I wanted her to know that I finally understood. I later found out that while I was writing this letter, she was seeing a divorce lawyer! My gut feeling that it was truly over for her was right. But, she read my letter and she gave me that one more chance. I hear her differently, I look at her differently, and I never consider it enough for her to know that she loves me. I want to show it to her. Everyday. Our marriage has completely turned around and separation is completely off the table. It’s better than it was when we were newlyweds. We recognize we have things to work on once we adjust to our newfound happiness, but there is no question in either of our minds that we will be here to work on it. It’s been amazing.
I have started a sort of to-do list of “How to be a better husband.” To-do lists aren’t my style, but I want to have a way to remind myself of the things I can do for her when I’m too busy to focus on it myself. I’m adding “Seek to understand before being understood” to the top of my list.
Steve, I wish you and your wife all the best, and hope you can find that together.
My experience is the same I want to be heard. It is a two way street. I felt you were talking about me and I am a man. I do not believe women have a lock on this need to be listened to; I need it as well.
Thank you. My husband said all of those things to me, and I did rant and nag and asked him to “get out”. He did. A lot I have come to realize is my fault. But a listener would have gone a long way, and I know we would not be where we are now if he had just given my an ear. You are also right on when you say listening doesn’t have to mean agreeing. Nicholas, you are going to end up in my shoes if you don’t change. Trust me, it is not a pleasant place to be. Unless you don’t really love her.
Thanks for the tips. I appreciate them very much. I am a minister of our church and am personally excited to learn more from you to see my marriage grow more. Last night I taught a lesson on marital intimacy with our married couples in our church. I am really glad that I can share things I am also learning with my people.
This is wonderful! many are times i have failed to listen and involve her in making decisions. I thank God for the revelation because it wil help me be a beter husband.
My relationship with my wife is not like this. With us it’s me that likes to talk and her that clams up. In fact the downfall of our marriage is that when she was unhappy it was only her and her other lover that discussed it. She doesn’t respect my opinion so she shuts me out. Sad isn’t it?
I know the frustration of not feeling validated. My wife does the same with me. When I talk about my feelings, I might as well be talking to the dog. At least the dog makes an expression of acknowledgement. When she talks, whether you’re listening or not, she’ll make sure she’s heard.
I’m trying to “listen” more and involve her, but it always ends up with me forced to agree rather than discuss and mutually resolve the issues.
Communication is a vital tool in marriage and every relationship so I recommend it not for men alone but for women as well.
I just had an experience in my relationship which was solved by just me listening to my partner. Its good to list to women when they are talking because that is when they want the men to know how they fell. When ever I fail to listen for example when am tire or am feeling sleepy she will complian that am not interested in what she has to offer but anytime that I spen much time listening to her she feels very happy.
I agree with Ken. When I first read the article and it started of saying, “women like to talk”, they were not talking about my wife. I know the frustration Ken and Craig feel, because I used to be very open about my feelings, yet when I laid my heart out there it got crushed.
However, I still believe in our marriage and with God’s help things will work out.
C’mon fellows. Stand up, take a deep breath and act like men. Of course women like to be listened to,,, everybody likes to be listened to and treated with respect; that doesn’t mean though that you should become doormats. I believe that life is to short. If you act like a doormat you can bet that people will begin to treat you as such. Take a deep breath, pay attention to your surroundings and do what ‘you’ like.
I know that some folks will think “What the H###!” But if you don’t respect yourselves don’t expect others (including your wives) to.
Good luck & best wishes to all.
i just read a Book on Psychology of Persuasion- Ilearnt a WIN/WIN principle of achieving your motives. Your write-up is verry accurate, was base on a proven experience. I have been greatly challenged by your powerful words. Iam always too inpatient to listen to “endless womanish comments” Iam much better by your document. Thanks.
What if your wife wants to be listened to but won’t listen? What if you want to be understood but she spends all of her “listening” time formulating arguments against you rather than trying to understand and/or validate you?
Very good article. Finding TIME to communicate is always a challange.
I found that when we travel whether to a store or a long trip that there is nothing else to divert my attention from her and I am able to listen behind the words.
Many times I will bring up topics that I see in the NEWS or hear about on the radio. When I ask her opinion the discussion often times changes to other things that relate to her or our lives.
If I initiate communication with my wife first I find that not only am I not inconvienced, but it also shows that I am truly interested in her as a person. However, I still have trouble being caught off guard. I still at times give a snappy judgemental answer, then I have a lot of backtracking to do.
Here’s an issue for me: What if your wife wants to vent about YOU?
When she feels angry with me, the gloves come off. I have a really hard time listening to her criticize me, tear me apart, berate me, etc. I know it’s just a feeling, it will soon pass, I shouldn’t judge her by her emotions, and all that…but I’m a major “words of affirmation” guy. These negative words are damaging to my self-esteem and are extremely difficult to sit there and listen to. If I try to defend myself, it only ends up being worse.
Any advice about how to let her feel “heard” and not get emotionally trashed in the process?
Thanks!
My wife of 25 years asked for a seperation just two weeks ago. In a letter she wrote to me she stated that I never had listened to her and that I had failed to communicate with her. She also stated that she was afraid to talk to me and express herself for fear of being mocked. I have never physically abused my wife and I really did not know that by not listening to her I was guilty of verbal abuse. I never mocked my wife when she did express herself, but I see now that at times I would tune her out and not really listen. I wrote her a letter and explained my short comings to her and expressed remorse for my actions. I am hoping that she will understand and give me another chance.
I have read these articles and I related to all of them. It has been so hard for me in a 14 year marriage, there was no communication nor any of the kind. I lived with emptyness for awhile. I had divorced and afterward started another relationship been for 6 years. I’ve struggle with the same problems. OUr relationship has separated so many times and been trying to tell him what was going on, but he does try but not enough he would go back to being himself. We love each other so much, but I can’t get him to understand me. Been trying to let him know that conversation is so important in a relationship etc…. We go out and I have to start a topic or say something…. if not he won’t speak. He will always say that I don’t understand him, but I do and thats why I have stand by his side so long…………………. cause I understand an love him but enough is enough…………lost.
when i read this article, it was like reading a page out of my life. i would like to encourage the men in this forum to look at your wife when she talks. when i am talking to my husband, so many times he faces the other way, or he totally decides the conversation is over. and he will say- i am not talking about this anymore. and he just clams up. and he won’t let me say what i feel i need to say. that makes me feel so UNIMPORTANT, NOT NEEDED, NOT VALUED, NOT WANTED. like I MEAN NOTHING to him. it takes so little to give her a few minutes (****note: if you listen the first time, she won’t talk so long****), look her in the eyes when she talks, mirror back to her what she says. you don’t have to agree. it is ok to disagree. just let her know you heard her. that is what she wants.
men this article is so true…my husband states that i am the nagging wife,but what he sees as nagging is my way of trying to derive a response frm him or get some sort of reply,whether it be a discussion of interest or an arguement. I have been with this man since 17.He was military and went on several tours over seas. I am now 24. Lately he said he wanted a divorce,for a ton of reasons,nagging, im not thin and lanky like i was(i gained 20 lbs) etc…thats when i said im not walking out on this marriage and i refuse to give up..and he came forth and communicated that he had cheated the first yr of our marriage while overseas twod ays after i gave birth with some woman he met and chatted with 5 minutes int he streets and that is why he had blocked me out,guilt,and it was easier to find fault with me then look upon his own faults,its still difficult, i forgave him immediatley,that wasnt hard,it was the years of degradation and not listening and no communication that hurt. I dont know about other women, but i just wantto beheard,to be listened to,to feel like an equal and not some acquired household object that is meant to tend children and clean and cook,and to bring home a a way undersubstancial income compared to his. I want in depth conversations, interest into what i am doing, an inquiring spouse who loves to know about me ,who has love in his eyes, whose love grows and not wanes,and strokes my face before i sleep at night.I could care less about material and financial gain. men,im not saying u should worship ur wife, but take some attention from ur personal interests and work and show your wife some. It seriously does affect the marriage/
Where do I start..My wife told me she had an affair..but I already knew it and told her before she told me.At the time she denied it but a few days later she confessed. After she came from orlando from Juanita’s Bynum womens conference she moved out to stay with her parents because she couldn’t deal with me being upset and not trusting her.I have done everything right as a husband helped cook,clean,wash clothes you name it I did it and Loved it. But after 131/2 yrs of mariage and 3 boys…She did this….Her thing was that I caused it because I was not a provider. We have never been out on te streets I just didn’t stay long on a job I left everyone for a legtimate reason. She feels tht I can’t take care of our family and we have been struggling from day one..And she made her complaints about me to the guy she slept with……..was i not listening to her