Is your time style hurting your marriage?

Dear Dr. Parrott,

Lately, it feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day. My wife and I rarely have any time alone together. And when we are together, I feel like we are always on a different page. Do you have any advice on how to find more time for each other?

-Robert

Robert,

It sounds like your marriage is falling victim to the “no time” conundrum that practically defines modern American life. And to be honest, I don’t think I can help you get more time together. After all, I’m not a magician. But I can help improve the quality of the moments you do have together.

Time is personal.

Though it’s tempting to think everyone approaches time in the same way, it’s simply not true. Each person sees time subjectively. The wide range of watch styles out there underscores this point nicely. Think about it. Consider, for instance, the man who sports a digital watch with a built-in alarm and calculator. How he schedules his time, his work, and his marriage is likely pretty different from how a man who wears, say, a watch playfully emblazoned with Homer Simpson swigging a beer manages his time. So just as the watch you wear can say quite a bit about how you value your time, your priorities, and your lifestyle, so does your personal time style.

What kind of man are you?

Identifying your personal approach to time is the first step in maximizing moments in your time-starved marriage. After working with thousands of couples and on my own 22-year marriage, I’ve found that understanding your unique time style can help you take a step back and reassess how you approach your wife in the moments you do find together. It can help you get more in sync as a couple. And it can establish the foundation for even greater consideration, patience, and respect — three keys to a marriage that continues to thrive with every moment that passes.

Your individual time style is basically determined by how you answer two simple questions:

1. How do I relate to time�subjectively or objectively? For example:

When you tell yourself you’ll do something at three o’clock, do you mean three o’clock precisely or do you mean three-ish � somewhere around three?

When you say it’s a 30-minute drive to the store, do you know this because you’ve timed it or because it just “feels” like 30 minutes to you?

When you check your schedule for an appointment, do you literally consult a date book or calendar in which you regularly document your days, or do you just need time to think about what else you have going on around that time and see if the appointment will work?

2. Which aspect of time gets most of my attention�the present or the future? For example:

Do you spend more emotional energy enjoying the here and now or planning for the there and then?

Are you a goal-setter? Do you have a specific place you are headed to years from now, or are you more apt to let the river of life carry you along to your destination?

Do you spend your money on what you’d like today, or are you more likely to give serious consideration to how today’s purchase will impact what you can do financially in the future?

Based on your answers, you will fall into one of four time styles: accommodator, planner, dreamer, and processor.

Accommodator — Present/Subjective

Accommodators make time for whatever they value in the present. They are more flexible than rigid with their daily schedule.

The accommodator says: “Sure, I have the time.”
Strengths in marriage: Easygoing, fully present
Challenge in marriage: Setting better boundaries
Under stress becomes: Disorganized and lacking in follow-through

Dreamer — Future/Subjective

Dreamers love to think about what will happen next, even though this vision for the future may not always be realistic.
The dreamer says: “I’ve got a great idea for us.”
Strengths in marriage: Spontaneous, visionary, optimistic
Challenge in marriage: Becoming more realistic
Under stress becomes: Immobilized, unreasonable

Planner — Future/Objective

Planners are all about schedules and are willing to delay gratification to realize their visions for the future. More than any other time style, planners are the ones who try to control time.
The Planner says: “I’ll be with you in just a minute.”
Strengths in marriage: Efficient, prepared, takes action
Challenge in marriage: Living more fully in the present (not multitasking)
Under stress becomes: Impatient and insensitive

Processor — Present/Objective

Processors methodically structure time, focusing on the task at hand and not on the big picture. They are creatures of routine.
The Processor says: “I’ll be ready at 9:15.”
Strengths in marriage: Punctual, disciplined, paced
Challenge in marriage: Relaxing, going with the flow
Under stress becomes: Compulsive and legalistic

So, which do you think you are? Which do you think your spouse is? Considering your personal time style in the context of how you interact as a couple can save you untold hours of “wasted” time in your relationship. How? You will be more understanding and empathetic with each other. Frustration can be replaced with consideration and patience.

In my own marriage, my wife and I have slowly but surely learned how to lean into each other’s approaches more. The planner (me) can live in the moment more rather than being so focused on the future. And the accommodator (my wife) now sees the value of being more scheduled on occasion. The point is that we are more in sync with each other, each complementing the other’s unique approach. We enjoy the time we have together instead of bickering about why the other doesn’t approach time in the same way. Once you take the time to begin discussing your personal style with your partner, you’ll begin recouping moments you’ve been missing together.

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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4 Responses to “Is your time style hurting your marriage?”

Gregory Says:

excellent article. do need to have ways to have the different styles work.
Sean Says:

I’m not sure I see much value in categorizing oneself and/or one’s spouse into any of these “styles”, even if we use it as a springboard for a meaningful discussion on how we manage time individually or as a couple. It doesn’t overcome the sometimes-conscious and always-subconscious tendency to consider one’s style the “correct” style and one’s spouse’s style the “incorrect” style. I believe it is more useful to acknowledge how one’s spouse manages time and then accommodate their style, rather than to try to reach some kind of change in them or compromise which includes changes on the part of both. I believe this is true in any area in which spouses can have different styles: social, financial, communication, sexual or any other important area.
Andy Says:

I think these insights are valuable. One thing couples have to harmonize are their values – and the use of time certainly fits into that category. I say thanks for the overview of different styles (knowing at the same time that we need to avoid stereotyping and pigeon-holing.) One thing I think would be helpful might be some more insights as to how to harmonize these different styles – for example, how does someone who is mostly a planner deal with someone who is mainly a dreamer? I see some interesting material here.
pennie Says:

Everybody make time for whats important to them, lets talk real here, if your marriage is as important as your job, or you watching tv. you will invest some quailty time in it. you feed into the things that interest you more, if your spouse interest you, pour into him or her, and stop blaming the kids, i have 2 kids 9 and 11 and 2 grandchildren for that matter, and i still find time for my husband. women the last thing you need to do is turn your husband down when he wants to have sex. and vise versa. if the sex is good you wouln’t be complaining. you will do what is necessary to get it. so stop feeling sorry for yourself and get the fire burning.if you don’t know what to do ask god, he’s the one that invented time and sex.