Readers’ Responses to Last Month’s Question
In last month’s newsletter, we asked readers to submit their answers to The Voice of Experience question: What’s your biggest challenge as a couple? Here’s what you told us!
Biggest Challenges Quick Links: Trust, Kids, Time, Communication, Staying Connected, Sex, Forgiveness, Routine, Combination of Challenges, In-Laws, Money, and Some Words of Wisdom.
“My biggest challenge is trust and openness after several years of my husband being more interested in his sexual fantasies than in finding out about who I am as an interested and exciting sexual partner. Eventually he had an affair. The affair woke him up to the value of our relationship.
It woke me up to valuing myself more. He has made amends and is doing all he can to repair, but even with much greater honesty and openness and demonstrated commitment from him, I am struggling to overcome anger and deep hurt and regain a sense of joy and aliveness that I so want in my marriage. Of course this affects us both, although he seems quite resilient and doesn’t seem to be as affected as I am.”
- Susan*
“My husband had an online/phone affair that included phone sex when I wasn’t home, as well as daily contact involving e-mails, messaging and phone calls from work. I discovered it after it had been going on for a full year, and saw some of the early e-mails between the two of them. It has been almost 4 years and I still have problems trusting him. That really hinders feeling close to him. Although we are both better people now, we don’t enjoy a close relationship anymore.”
- Kathleen
“How do you deal with the aftermath of an affair and now drinking that is out of control?
I had two choices, either stay or leave after my husband told me about his affair. I stayed. BUT he is the one not dealing with it. I have read so many books and have been trying so hard, yet he does nothing to make things better. He is in a self loathing place since he told me.
He says he loves me but his actions say something different. We have been married for 25 years and he just turned 45! We have children, they have all been on their own for 5 years and finished university. It’s just us now, it should be the best time for us now, and it isn’t. What more can I do?”
-Anonymous
“Our biggest challenge lately is Lying and Trust. I have found out things my husband has and is lying to me about while he was in Iraq and before he left. He is due home next month and he doesn’t know that I know he has lied. I have no idea how to approach this with him or how I can make this work. How do I deal with all this lying? I am beginning not to trust him at all (and of course you know it is about other women.)”
- Christine
“My biggest challenge as a woman in a 22 yr relationship is that it’s very hard to move forward when your husband has been unfaithful after so many years together. A woman feels like it’s her fault but I came to realize that its not. The man is very selfish and the woman ALWAYS blames herself. The challenge here is do you want to move forward or do you want to work it out?? It depends. In my case, this is the only person I know since I was 15 yrs old. Women need to remember that when their man has been unfaithful or vice versa it’s not their fault it’s their own selfishness that leads them there.”
- Stephanie
“My husband and I met in 2000. We eventually married November 2005. On February 2005, I found out that my husband-to-be was unfaithful to me with someone from his work. According to him, it happened only once and he regretted it.
I married him thinking I will one day forgive and forget, but to this very day I am still full of resentment and insecurities.
Our biggest challenge right now is how do we start healing from this if the hurt is still so fresh? When will it subside to a level that we can start repairing the damage it caused.
Although we are very determined to stay together and make the marriage work, we face many unhappy moments individually and together.”
- Anonymous
“Our biggest challenge is how to raise our son and my two step-children. We love being together and communication has improved in the 12 years we have been together but we just do not agree on how to raise the kids.
- Debra
“We found that as the children got older (teenagers) that our privacy actually diminished due to their being more “grown-up.” Their schedules were very much like ours now.
We needed to find time just for us (and not just sex) that didn’t interfere with our treasured family time. Now every night, when we go to bed, we read out loud to each other a chapter from a book we choose together. It is a treasured time. The kids respect it and even seem to admire it. Hopefully, they’ll take this into their marriages too.”
- Julie
“Creating enough time and space to be together as a couple while caring for our children and extended family. After 10 years of marriage (and 17 years together) my wife and I know the secret to a great marriage, or any thriving relationship, is about baking it fresh everyday, like bread.”
- Robert
“Our biggest challenge as a couple is raising our daughter, who is 5-months old right now. She is wonderful, and we both love her, but sometimes staying on the same page as far as routines and what is best for her is difficult. We both work, so childcare is very important. Luckily, we both agree that spending the extra money on a nanny is the best thing to do.”
- Judy
“My husband and I have been together for 4 years. My daughter is now 13 and has some teenage angst but actually she is very level headed compared to what her much older sister and brother went through.
My husband constantly fights with her. His communication style is very frustrating for me and impossible for her. I wish he had more patience with her.”
- Molly
“We have been married for 9yrs and have 2kids who are 3 and almost 2. My husband says he has no regrets, which I am thrilled to hear! He does not however want anymore kids, I on the other hand want 2 more. He can’t give any reasons he just doesn’t want anymore. It is ALL I think about everyday. My first and last thought of each day. I have told him how critical it is for me to have more kids and he says he knows it is selfish but still the answer is no. I don’t know how to move forward as i can’t see a life with only 2 kids. I am grateful that I have them but this is my life and my dreams, why are they not important? It is the equivalent of saying to him you can’t pursue your passion anymore. This is all I want out of life, to be a mother but he is saying no. We really struggle with this, he says he may regret it in the future but still the answer is no. so there you have it.”
- Anonymous
“I believe that our biggest challenge as a couple is making time for one another now that we have a 3 1/2 yr. old son. He is the light of both of our lives and takes up all of the energy that we have within us – on a daily basis. My husband is a physician and returns home tired, yet uses any additional energy for our son. I on the other hand, work part-time, pick our son up from school and spend alot of time with him – which by the end of the days also leaves me feeling drained. Although we know that our marital/sex life is suffering, it is very difficult to break the pattern.”
- Irina
“Spending quality time together is our biggest challenge as a couple. There always seems to be an obstacle. The first 2-3 years of our marriage, it was a combination of lack of finances, lack of consistent support (like a babysitter for the kids) and work schedules. In the next 3 years, my husband started a business and the demands on his time and our finances have been enormous.
Despite these demands, we can find the money to go, but it seems the business keeps him gone for 10-14 hours per day. The good thing is we are aware of this and we talk about how to fix the lack of quality time spent together often. We do manage to have breakfast or lunch together ever so often, which is better than nothing. However we are starting to feel the strain of all work and no play lately. I have friends who have similar struggles but they have managed to get away on marriage retreats and just got back from Australia in March so I realize that it is something that you just have to make happen. It will take some hard work and planning but I know it can happen if we simply decide that it must happen.”
- Allison
“Our biggest challenge is balancing work, parenting, and our personal relationship – there just never seem to be enough hours in the day!”
- Frank
“My husband & I are best friends – we realize how lucky we are and constantly tell each other that we’re each other’s ‘favorite person’. We have to work to make time for each other & remember that we’re each other’s most dependable ally & biggest supporter, especially when we’re both tired (like right now, when we’re building a house, selling a house, moving & finding him a new job all at once!)”
- Anonymous
“My husband and I find it difficult to spend quality time together due to our work schedules and 10-month old son. We do not have time off together and only have several hours on his days off after my work day ends at 5pm. We don’t see each other as much as we should.”
- Lisa
“I don’t watch TV, not even sports, but my wife and I have 4 kids and I work a very stressful job that requires me to get up early every weekday. My wife, of course, has her hands full with 4 kids under the age of 10, including twin toddler boys.
The best advice I ever got was from a friend who told me ‘Derek, just stay awake.’ ”
- Derek
“There are a few challenges that my husband and I are facing only 2 years into marriage. The biggest one for me is trying to find things to talk to my husband about. We seemed to talk about everything before we got married because we were still finding things out about one another, and didn’t live together until we got married. Now that we are married, living together, and doing almost everything together, it seems like all we can think to talk about was how our day was, the weather and the news. We are both struggling to keep the conversation going and wishing we could have conversation like we had when we were dating.”
- Anonymous
“I think as your marriage lasts longer you get to know each other better. And keeping that communication open on all levels can become more challenging. You know you love each other but sometimes you don’t want to worry the other. And money is a biggie. Over the years we have decided we always talk about any purchases over three hundred dollars and we only get so many gifts for ourselves over the year we try to stick to the budget. Been married 20 years. Happily! Marriage a good marriage is WORK!”
- Diana
“Our biggest challenge is talking about things my wife finds painful but I want to address. I naturally avoid conflict, she defends herself by being hurt, so if there’s an area she finds uncomfortable she gives out an ‘I’m hurt that you should want to talk about it’ signal, I back off, and we don’t talk about that issue. This leads to a harmonious life because we both know what not to raise! But when it concerns an area I really need to talk about then it’s a challenge for me as to how I raise it without being condemning or confrontational 
”
- Anonymous
“My husband and I have only been married for almost two years. Our biggest challenge is agreement. The best agreement we have is to agree to disagree and we still can’t find a resolve in that. I grew up having 9 brothers and the oldest girl of 6 sisters, so sometimes I feel like I react more from a male point of view. My husband is the oldest of 4 sisters and was raised by his mother, I feel that he comes from more a female point of view. So our challenge becomes more of a challenge when we are trying to find balance in our personalities.”
- Sandra
“During some arguments, my husband has said some very hurtful things to me. He’s attacked my character, my skills and my looks and ability as a lover. Afterwards he says he didn’t mean it or denies it altogether. He says I should grow up and get over it. I just can’t. I feel like I’ve shut down inside and have no answers. Very sad.”
- Gretchen
“Communication especially when it comes to finances.”
- David
“I really struggle with feeling like I’m the only woman in his heart. He’s quite reticent about telling me how he feels about me and never tells me I’m beautiful, though I’ve told him how much I need to hear it. I make love to him as often as he wants it and often initiate it. I enjoy it tremendously, but often feel as though he’s not as concerned about meeting my emotional needs as I am about meeting his physical needs. It’s generally only during lovemaking that he tells me I’m pretty. I so long to be attractive to him at other times as well. He’s a great guy – the most handsome man in my world – and I tell him that often. He’s a good provider and great dad, and I wouldn’t trade him for any other man!”
- Andrea
“My greatest challenge is communicating with my wife (of 10 years I must add!) – every conversation is a battle. Silence is torture and speech is pain!
Almost every word from her is criticism which ahs pushed me further away from her – very agonizing!”
- Grant
“My wife and I have struggled with communication and have often perceived a different message from was delivered. Our pitfall was assuming instead of asking. Recently we have been involved with a support group that focuses on non working behaviors and we are learning new skills to guide us to clear communication. Responsible communication is one of these skills that by me delivering a message to my partner it is my responsibility to ask for understanding of this message. Another skill is asking for what I want. Too often I have been upset or felt rejected because I assumed my wife understood what I wanted. Asking for what I want at 100% is not easy for me being a self-reliant person but has had a major impacted in communicating with my wife and we are working through issues much quicker to get back on track.”
- Todd
“My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Currently our biggest challenge is harmony. When I am in a bad mood it automatically sparks anger in my husband, vice versa. We also have a two year old who can be a challenge in and of himself. My son\’s actions also generate arguments in the family. What we discovered over the last year is that one of us must remain the voice of reason. When one is out of control the other has to set aside any resentment or anger and take control with an even temper. It does not always work but I can tell you that it reduces the amount of time we stay mad or argue. We do not allow the blame game, either, it\’s fruitless. It helps us to laugh at each other and perhaps communicate our feelings a whole lot better. Case in point: my husband came home from work the other night in a terrible mood and complaining of a headache. I was trying to make dinner, having had a headache myself and my two year old was having a bad day. Bedlam ensued. The dinner was overcooked and we were all sitting at the table mad. I put aside my anger and said \”Honey, what happened at work to give you a headache?\” Immediately the tables turned and we wound up having a nice conversation. My husband does the same for me on my really bad days. Putting aside your own wrath is a selfless act in a marriage, particularly when both parties are stubborn and dig their heels in. By taking turns in giving up anger, we both reap the rewards and are teaching our son to be selfless.”
- Jennifer Marie
“I think our biggest challenge as a couple is staying connected as we embrace the world around us–rather we are doing our own thing with the other cheering from the sidelines! My husband is an associate pastor of a large church & I am a stay-at-home/work from home mom who also directs the ministry to women at the church! Because we are both in the ministry we find ourselves going in separate directions to fulfill our callings & responsibilities. We come together at home to the busyness of parenting children that are 4 and 18 months! When they are in bed, we both are exhausted & give each other the “crumbs” of what we have left!! We realize that we are committed to each other, are the other’s greatest cheerleader, and really have a fantastic love/friendship for each other BUT we don’t feel CONNECTED with each other emotionally much less in the “lover” kind of way on most days!!”
- Tracie
“Our biggest challenge is dealing with each other while on mental “auto pilot” mode. My husband is a very good supervisor and can be very abrupt and serious when dealing with his crew. However, he can be very critical, harsh and unemotional when dealing with me as well when he is thinking “work” which I unfortunately take personally. I do not like being treated in this manner, which he knows and keeps aware of, but at times he is in work mode and I am in emotions mode, both clashing horribly. While he is in that mode, emotional reactions create major frustration and irritation in him making him react more harshly. Understanding that we need to be aware of what the other person is doing and feeling at the time of our conversations is huge in our relationship. We almost need to be prepared for a conversation to ensure we are approaching each other appropriately. When I am emotional and he is stressed, it is more difficult for us to think rationally, but when we do, the result is favorable. Neither of us wants to hurt the other but it inevitably happens due to this little difference in mood and mental mode.”
- Anonymous
“My mate has a diagnosed emotional/mental disorder, and long ago received a minimal amount of counseling with instructions on how to deal with this particular problem. While the problem is not completely out of control, it interferes in many areas of our family life on a daily basis. My spouse, whom I love and admire, refuses to get any further help, and denies that the problem is significant. It has become a barrier in our relationship, and I fear in my mate’s relationship with our children, who are now old enough to be aware.”
- Anonymous
“I think our biggest challenge so far has been dealing with my health issues and the problems it has caused between us. It took awhile for my husband to recognize when I wasn’t feeling well and how it caused me to act and react. Before he could recognize what was wrong it caused a lot of tension and arguments between us. Now he knows what to look for and that I’m not meaning to be an antagonist. He’s able to help me feel better.”
- Nelly
“Indifference, lack of attention, unwilling to respond and irresponsibility, lack of faith, inhibition all respects are some or a few to mention and seem irremediable.”
- Jeff
“I think now, as a young 45 year old couple (we’re the same age), our kids grown, it’s hard to reconnect to what brought us together in the first place. With busy careers, and not a lot of time together, the romance and emotional connection seems gone.”
- Cameron
“We never do anything together anymore – he refuses to participate in anything I really want to do, and the only times we do something together is when he invites me to participate in something he really wants to do and I participate even though I’m not particularly interested in the activity, but because that’s what married people should do.”
- Gwynne
“After 19+ years of marriage, I have no interest in sex. My husband, at the age of 53, wants to have sex as often as we did when we were first married. It is our biggest and most frustrating challenge.”
- Anonymous
“Sex. He does not want to have it. I am about to break up my 15 year marriage because it is getting unbearable. It seems that the sex drives are reverted. I think like a man and he like a woman. Even though I give all the emotional connection he needs, I still do not get any. I feel like a fool!”
- Paula
“Our biggest challenge in marriage is sexual compatibility. He is 60 and I am 51. I am in terrific shape and very interested, he’s not. He would rather watch a woman on the net having sex with a man and masturbate. If we have sex it’s maybe once a week after he’s been watching some “hot stuff” and he’s ready to finish before we even get started. I feel like I’m spending a lot of time waiting for affection and sexual attention and it just isn’t there. I feel rejected and he doesn’t feel appreciated. I just don’t get it…maybe the saying, “He’s just not into you” is appropriate in this scenario.”
– Angelina
“I find that the biggest challenge in our marriage is my husband holding onto past hurts, failures etc. Our relationship has been rather turbulent the whole time because he has a bad temper for one and that mixed with the anger and hurt from his past, is disastrous in itself. Issue #2, he respects his mother but doesn’t seem to understand that he’s suppose to have equal respect for his wife.”
- Kelly
“Our biggest challenge is to not live in the past. It is so hard to forgive and forget, and truly move on when you feel your spouse has hurt you. It’s hard to trust that they’ve learned from the experience and won’t hurt you again in a similar situation. It’s hard not to bring up past mistakes in an argument. Moving on is one the single biggest challenge we face.”
- Anonymous
“The biggest challenge my wife and I face is not to take each other for granted. It is easy to go day after day without doing any thing differently to make our marriage better or to improve our intimacy.
The rut we get into is to do the basic expected things day by day. Sounds pretty routine. We don’t ‘rock the boat’.”
- Bill
“I can’t pinpoint one issue as the biggest challenge. I guess it would be that we have an OK marriage where we’re comfortable but not burning for each other.
Some of the reasons are:
1) Sex – He’s disappointed that I’m not the initiator or at least more receptive, and I’m disappointed that he makes a bee line for my crotch.
2) Time and money – It’s hard to find the time and money to have dates. Weekend romp, what is that? No way we could afford that.
3) Financial matters – We can’t discuss matters without getting into a heated, emotional debate. He wants things taken care of without getting involved, but gets frustrated when there’s no money so turns to credit cards. Our debt is over $30,000, not including house and car.
Little things that add up to indifference.”
- Laurie
“Our biggest challenge as a couple is dealing with relatives. My sisters hate my husband, and of course this has created a big rift in my family. It makes family dinners and holidays difficult. Because my husband and I have had a healthy relationship from the beginning and are “well-matched”, these circumstances have caused us to become closer together rather than driven us apart. But it still is difficult to deal with, and sometimes it causes depression in both of us, which isn’t healthy for our relationship, even if we’re not fighting or picking on each other.”
- Denise
“Our biggest challenge is always over money matters.”
- Larry
“Our biggest challenge as a couple is money. I grew up in a comfortable home and though my family was not rich, we were very comfortable. I never got an allowance because all I had to do was ask and usually, not always, I got it. My parents put me through college (undergrad and masters) without any financial aid and without me having to hold down a job.
I married a man who doesn’t make as much money and so the reality hit when suddenly I had to budget for food, utilities, mortgages – normal things people budget everyday. I wasn’t used to it and I absolutely hated it. I hate that we live paycheck to paycheck because he had lost his job one year and we had to live on credit cards and we are now paying it off. We are not incurring new debt which is good but yet some months we are literally counting pennies.
Our financial strain has taken a toll on my health because we fight about money a lot and definitely how I perceive this marriage. I absolutely regretted marrying him and wish that I could turn back time.”
- Anonymous
“Our biggest challenge as a couple is to not read more into our conversations than what is really necessary.
Men tend to give short and to the point answers, where women tend to need a full long drawn explanation of things. After counseling, my husband realizes that when my brain has the required information I am less likely to annoy him with more questions. So he has learned to explain enough to me and to ask if I am satisfied with the answer before giving up on me, therefore frustrating me even more.
So small note to those that feel frustrated after trying to communicate with your spouse, who ever needs the most information the other will need to learn how to give enough of it and the relationship will run a lot smoother.”
- Julia
“After the first few years, it became clear that sometimes if not very often you just have to let different opinions rest and agree to disagree, for the sake of a peaceful household. Meaning that its not important that the other spouse acknowledge that you may be right on a specific problem or conflict you have. Its not important to have him/her admit that you are the “winner” or correct person in all the disagreements you ever have. As long as YOU know in your gut, heart, and soul you make a better point and your spouse doesn’t seem to favor you in that, they don’t have too. Its between you and GOD! That’s the only justification you need from anyone! So let them think they have a answer or opinion just as favorable as your own and agree to disagree and let it go. YOU and GOD know otherwise! The most important thing you can do is stop and ASK YOURSELF WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR BE HAPPY?? I think it’s much more important and realistically achievable to be happy. Besides whose is never wrong about anything — I don’t know a single soul that is always right about everything! Choose to be happy. You’ll be glad you did and its much easier to live with. I should know we’ve been married over 14 years and we honestly still like each other!! No regrets. ”
- Happy in North Carolina
“If you want to be married to a princess, be a prince.”
- Mark
*All names have been changed.
Tags: Couples Stories, For Men, For Women
