He said/She Said: The Key to Better Communication
Last month’s Voice of Experience question generated an overwhelming response from our readers. We were flooded with more responses than ever from both male and female readers. That’s not too surprising. After all, communication has always been — and probably will always be — a hot-button issue for married couples.
But what was a surprise was the clear consensus reached between men and women on the single most important key to improved marital communication. This remarkable consensus bolsters the core principle we try to emphasize with every issue of The Married Life: that it is often more important to seek to understand than to be understood in marriage. Read on for practical and insightful tips to use in your own marriage — starting tonight!
The Winner: Listening
He Said: Top Five Male Responses
“As a husband, I find [there are] several keys to good communication with my wife:
1. Turn off the TV, put down the paper, and give her [my] undivided attention.
2. Focus on listening to what she is saying without thinking about what I will say next.
3. Make sure I really understand what she is saying.
4. Be sure to empathize with her feelings without trying to ‘fix’ her or the situation.
Note: Number four has been the hardest for me to learn and apply.”
— Jeffrey*
“Listen, listen, listen. Then ask questions to make sure you ‘heard’ correctly. Listen for the underlying hurts, fears, and emotions — not just the words.”
— Tim
“I have found throughout the 11 years of my relationship that there are many keys to good communication. One good key is to stop and listen. It’s hard to have good communication when one is not heard. Just stop and take a little time to hear what the other person is saying, and then answer with a response that doesn’t put yourself in the spotlight.
“For example if your partner comes to you and says, ‘I had a really bad day,’ you should respond in a way that shows you heard them: ‘I’m sorry, honey. What happened?’ If you respond, ‘You think you had it bad? Mine was horrible!’ it makes them think you aren’t concerned with them. Listen to them and THEN tell them about yours. More than likely you’ll get the same response from them, and you’ll both feel that you’ve been heard and that you both genuinely care about each other’s situations.”
— Seth
“I think that the key to good communication comes from knowing how you hear and how you pay attention, and being able to not become distracted during a conversation with your partner. If you find yourself asking, “What did you just say?” often, then you either don’t care what they are saying, or you are picking the wrong times to try to communicate with one another. Late at night, just after work stress, or when you are both tired — all are good examples of the worst times to try to communicate important information back and forth.”
— Robert
“Be a patient listener. Nothing has opened up the floodgates of communication for us more than this. Men, trust me on this, you must resist the temptation that most of us feel to immediately find the problem and fix or solve the problem. The simple act of really listening, actively listening — where you ask questions to understand better and you restate what they just told you so that you can be sure you really understand what they are trying to tell you — can unlock your spouse’s innermost thoughts and feelings. There is so much more that I could say, but I hope this little bit helps.”
— Max
She Said: Top Five Female Responses
“The key to good communication is becoming vulnerable and opening up your heart with your mate. Truly listening without judging and attempting to always solve the problem is very important for successful communication.”
— Jessica
“The best way that I have found for me and my husband to communicate is to really listen to each other. We have to sit together, just the two of us, and talk to one another about whatever we want as the other listens without saying anything until that person is done. Then you say what you want to say and the other person listens. Just remember to say what you mean. Don’t say something that you’ll regret later just because you were upset about something at the moment.”
— Teresa
“Listening! Then, making certain your definition is his definition! My definition often doesn’t match his, i.e., ‘a little while’ to me means within the next hour — to him, it means within the next month! Or how about when I use the word ’several’ meaning more than two; his meaning was more than seven!”
— Patti
“The key to good communication in marriage is to listen, truly listen, to what your spouse is saying. Don’t interrupt, don’t think about a comeback, don’t try to make a joke of what they’re saying — just listen to what they’re saying and how they’re saying it. Make eye contact while they’re talking so your spouse knows you’re listening, not just hearing their words. Leaning in toward them while you’re doing so also reinforces the fact that you’re stopping everything else to appreciate their thoughts.”
— Kelly
“To me, the key is listening more to what your spouse has to say. In addition, you should voice your opinion. You should also know when to agree to disagree. I don’t agree with everything my husband says or does, but my marriage is too important to me to harp and nag about everything. I accept my husband for who and what he is. If it’s not a life-threatening issue, I let it be. Besides, things always have a way of working themselves out.”
— Marianne
Battling Communication Styles?
Male and female readers also agreed that there can be real differences between the sexes in how they approach communication. Simply knowing this and not truly working with it is a mistake. Remember that in marriage, knowing something is only half the battle. Taking action based on that knowledge is the other, critical half. Combining what you know with what you do every single day is the only way to keep your marriage vibrant. It is the only way to win the “battle of the sexes.”
Top Three Tips for Dealing with the Opposite Sex
“After nearly fifteen years of marriage, you learn a lot. The most important thing is to really listen to your spouse. Look at their eyes, pay attention, and hear what they say. Ladies, try not to simply wait [until you can] break in and make a point. Guys, look at her, hear her, and don’t apply labels based on her emotions. We are girls, and we get emotional. Ladies, know that the guys really don’t show emotions that well. Guys, we really aren’t trying to manipulate you most of the time, so take us at our word.”
— Sarah
“I believe the key to good communication is to bridge the gap between the different communication styles that men and women have. I know that sounds like stating the obvious, but it’s probably the hardest thing in the world to make yourself do when you are upset with your spouse.
“Women can easily forget that forcing a man to sit in a chair and discuss something for hours is like a jail sentence! Men need to remember that it takes more than five minutes of talk to make a woman feel like her man has actually heard and understood her.
“The best way to bridge that gap is touch. Instead of picking a chair across the room, crossing your arms and preparing for battle, sit next to your spouse, look her in the eye…and then make your point while putting an arm around her, or touching her in some way that says, ‘I may be really upset with you right now, but I still love you.’
— Jordan
“My husband and I are from two different countries (Austria and the USA). Both of us speak both German and English (although his English is better than my German). I have found that when we talk, occasionally something will get lost in translation. But speaking two languages has really been a blessing in disguise because it gives us a reason to have more patience in trying to understand each other. I think other couples would benefit from this outlook. Even if you both speak the same language, sometimes something can still get lost in translation. So be patient and if your spouse says something that offends you or that you don’t agree with, don’t get mad. Ask them what they meant or ask them to explain it or try to explain what you understood. Maybe when they hear how it sounded to you, they will understand you better and can explain it or say it in another way.”
— Katrina
13 Quick Reader Tips
• “Don’t make assumptions, no matter how long you’ve been together.”
• “If you want something from your husband, don’t expect him to be a mind reader.
Tell him what you want. ”
• “Count to ten before saying something when you do not agree with something your spouse does.”
• “Sometimes a ‘cool-down’ period is a good thing. When I get really angry, I like to go drive around. He prefers to go in another room and be left alone for a while.”
• “I have learned that good timing is essential. Sometimes it’s not wise to express things at the moment you think them. If he’s tired, frustrated, or distracted, I wait. ”
• “Laughing at misunderstandings is much more fun than getting mad — and much more profitable in marriage currency. Learning to laugh instead of fight was HUGE for us, and has tightened the bond of trust. ”
• “Be truthful, but also be honest about the extent of your experiences. No one knows it all. And those who think they do are their own worst enemies. ”
• “Most couples are told listening is the key to good communication, but sharing your own views or opinions and feelings is just as important. It has to be a two-way street. ”
• “I think the key to good communication is being a safe person for your spouse to talk to. If your reaction to less-than-complimentary remarks is to get defensive or irritated or angry, then your spouse isn’t going to feel safe telling you when there are things he or she is concerned about.”
• “For me the key to good communication has been vulnerability and nondefensiveness. We aren’t perfect at this, but we work very hard at it. ”
• “Learning how to package information is helpful. We try to relate our feelings and use ‘I’ statements in order to cut down on blaming and finger-pointing. ”
• “We’ve found that it matters how and when you give information, because one’s perception is his or her reality. ”
• “Respect. You would never talk to your best friend or mother the way you might yell at your spouse. Remind yourself constantly why you love him or her, and that they deserve your respect. ”
Communication in marriage is the complex dance of two individuals — with varying degrees of difficulty, grace, and success on a daily basis. It requires real patience and often true selflessness. It can feel like trial and error. And, in fact, experts say that working on communication is the single most effective way to impact the health of your relationship. So reader Jenny said it best when she advised, “Don’t give up; keep trying!”
* All names have been changed.
(7 votes, average: 4.71 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Communication, Couples Stories, For Men, For Women
21 Responses to “He said/She Said: The Key to Better Communication”
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I gain a lot in conversations with my wife from constant validation. I practice saying, “You’re right”, “I agree”, “That’s a good point” before (if I ever) offer a contrasting or different opinion.
I’ve found people, like myself and my wife, are on guard against being invalidated and being made wrong in a conversation until one of us offers a point of validation and agreement.
This makes it easier, or even possible, to let the guard down, listen well, and be accepting of contrasting points of view. It also goes a long way to keep a conversation from inadvertently becoming adversarial — which seems to happen too easily at times.
After three years (of seven) wanting to separate, I have finally found a real foundation for discussion with my husband. Please read the book, “The Five Love Languages- How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman.
Read it and then have your mate read it. Then read it together. It is the foundation from which we discuss our needs and wants and has shown a DRAMATIC improvement in our marriage after only a week of discussion!
When he said he doesn’t know HOW to show me love, he meant it! Now, he’s doing very well and we’re on the road to a happy marriage….
My wife and I have been in a steady state of communications breakdown. We’ve only been married 3 years and it’s been harder for me to adjust than I thought. I don’t know why. Tips like these give me good ground to make changes about myself that have been a long time coming. Thanks!
Yes, all of this is the findings I got after years of communication with others. But, what to do when you crash a wall of stubborn attitude and egotism? What you can do to approach the trenches, when the family, the job mates, and the overall education is interfering and segregating? Communication is a matter of two, and when one of the speakers is just that, a loud-spearker, you can’t do anything.
Yes, good communication in marriage is fundamental but to some extend I always meet objections from my better half, I am too busy for nothing; you turn my house to an office, your reading has been much….
I glad to be part of this your program. I strongly believe to make good use of it and transform my marriage life.
What a great article. I think we all know how important communication is in every relationship, but reading about other’s ideas and strategies for dealing with this problem of marital communication really brings me back to where I should be. My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next year, God willing, and we are both working to make this relationship last even further by improving our understanding of one another.
My husband and I have known each other for 8 years and married now for 1-year. When things need to be discussed we sit down with a glass of wine and make it a date to communicate. We talk about the good things, the things that need to be worked on, and the thinks that are bothering us. After we hear each other out, resolve things and then we set a time goal (30 days) to see if things have improved and talk again.
My wife and I have been married for just over 16 years. I understand the needing to listen part. The problem is my wife won’t start talking. She is able to discuss our problems with everyone in her family, but not with me. We are just starting to go to a Marriage Counselor. So my comment is, listening can’t happen if no one is saying anything…
I’ve definitely recognized a dramatic difference in male/females communication styles. We like to talk allllll about it…and they don’t like to sit and listen to alllll about it. I’ve felt like it’s my challenge to try to encapsulate things I’m feeling, and express it more briefly. Then I get more of his attention. Another problem is assuming things. If one listens and assumes the other person is feeling/saying/thinking something, and then once they’ve made that assumption they stop listening, things can go VERY wrong. I’ve found that if I can be still in my mind, focus on what he is saying, ask questions for clarification, get a sense for what he’s feeling, THEN I can respond more appropriately. Sometimes I don’t really need to respond, because sometimes he, or I, just need to vent and be heard and let the feelings out. It’s important to be able to tell if the person just needs to vent, or if they are struggling and need some help with something. Unrequested advice is sometimes unpleasant! It’s important to not be negative in all communication either…don’t always make it about your day, problems, bad things going on in the world. Temper the negativity with positive communication…name 3 good things that happened to you that day, mention the silver lining in the problems, trying to keep upbeat. There’s no better way to make communication a drag in a relationsihp than to be continually negative, nagging, complaining, or having problems and emotional issues all the time. Be the true friends that you are, and enjoy communicating..laugh and smile just as much as you complain or struggle.
I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 10. We have a definite gap in communication styles – to the point that sometimes words just seem to completely fail us -
but we have developed some habits that have helped with this greatly.
One critical thing that I have learned is to always frame statements positively. If we say, “Don’t forget,” the subconscious hears “..forget.” So instead, we say “Remember.” Instead of saying “I don’t want be late!,” we phrase it as “I want to be on time!”
When we get into a “charged” discussion, this small trick often makes a world of difference.
The communication issue is central to any long term situation so I appreciate the thoughtful way the article was presented. The problem for me is the whole blaming situation. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 years and in that time I have not become the raging success I had hoped. While my wife has been with me throughout my career changes and ups and downs much of our conversation, or shall I say disagreement, has been over money or the lack thereof. Consequently, much of our conversation has been around her blaming me for not being the success she expected and I wanted to be when we first came together….and subsequently how hard she has had to work to help provide for our family,…especially since her ‘Father knows Best’ version of her childhood had her father as the central figure and provider who never faltered. Needless to say, we are in counseling and at a crossroads there she either accepts and forgives me for who I am or we go our separate ways. I sucks but she’s very attractive and should have no trouble finding another more successful suitor and I need someone who helps build me up not tear me down when things don’t work out.
I learned alot about communications with my spouse and I would like for my husband to get some news letters like this too because, it takes couples to get the message thank you! I
feel very enlightened.
My husband and I have struggled throughout our 14 years of marriage literally from the beginning! We finally got to the point last fall where I was ready to leave – it was SO stressful. We went to a marriage conference (we’d tried many counselors over the years who did little or nothing for us) and were able to forgive each other and turn over a new leaf, leaving the past garbage behind us permanently. We also found another key that is really helping cement the changes we are trying to make: Women have to RESPECT their husband and men need to LOVE their wife!! If you work at those 2 key things your marriage will improve! God Bless!
I’ve had a real hard time listening to my husband, especially when he’s talking at me, not with me or to me. Its difficult to listen when my defenses go up everytime he opens his mouth to speak. I’m really trying hard to stop thinking about how to defend myself, and just listen, even if what he has to say is harsh and painful. I’m sure there’s a message I’m supposed to hear under there somewhere!!! Lori’s message about women respecting their husbands, and men loving their wife is so true. That’s all my husband complains about in our house. No body respects him. And my major complaint is I’m not loved enough or shown love enough. I’m pretty sure that comes from the bible, and is part of marriage vows.
Lori – I think your revelation is exactly where we are falling down. My wife and I are coming up on our 32nd anniversary, have been together for 36 years and we are also currently in divorce proceedings. We have made attempts at counselors in the past with no lasting effects. It seemed to only be about who was right. My wife moved out of state and asked for a divorce. I respected her request and filed for divorce and have all of the papers ready to finish the proceedings. She has just recently reconsidered her choices and we are working on the possibility of staying together. We are talking about a marriage encounter to try to get to the real deep seated issues to try to put all of the baggage from the past into the past where it belongs. It will have to be a new marriage and a renewal of love. The only way it will survive is if we both can come to the reality of your final statement. My only change would be to say that your statement needs to be in both directions. However we end up I must say that the pain of a divorce and reconciliation are immense and brutal. Don’t let your marriage just exist, but put in a conscious effort every day to make small improvements. Make a dedicated communications connection a part of your daily life. We all owe it to the ones we love.
I read what everyone has had to say, and while I agree with everything, it is hard to accomplish in my marriage. I have been married for almost twenty years to a man who does not respect me. I have tried to respect him over the years, but it is hard when he is always talking at me and not to me! I am always doing something wrong (in his eyes), I end up doing all of the housework, yard work, and the running of our home. My children have reached a point of not respecting me as well because they see how their father treats me. Every day, my husband will come home to watch Leave It Beaver, and that is his idea of how family life should be. It is unrealistic, and I am no way, June Cleaver, so, consequently, I am a disappointment to him. My husband tends to work late, have impromptu dinners with associates, anything to stay away from the house. He says that I am the problem, and that if I do not like the way things are, then I should go find another husband. When he is home, he is either on the computer, watching tv (or the tv is watching him), or he is on his cell phone. He talks at my teens, does not talk to me much, our sex life is nonexistent; I don’t know what to do. Help! Any advice would be apppreciated.
My husband and I have been on and off for 6 years and have known each other for 9, we have a child and he was only a part of her life from age 2 1/2 to age 3ish. We can’t communicate now to save our lives. He says i’m obssessive about stuff like keeping the house clean, and he wont do anything accept work and whatever pertains to him. We split up, he went on to have a relationship with someone else then calls me and tells me he wants to do counseling and talk. He came to spend the weekend to talk and we did nothing but have sex and bs about nothing…no talking…so we are nowhere…my family doesnt want him around, my daughter doesnt know him and doesnt like being alone with him. So what am I supposed to do?
I know exactly what you mean. My husband treats me like a common stranger. I’m the man and your “just “a woman. He father was very abusive to him. I don’t think he even listens to the way he talks at me. He seems to be mad all the time. I usually have nothing to do with it. Ijust wanted to find someone to love me like I deserved. I feel like Imissed the boat on that one. Any advise would be helpful. Just a note my husband’s first wife died after 17 years of marraige, she was very sick for the last nine. Our sex life is nonexistant.
To all the sad episodes of marriage which many members (above) are going through, I feel sorry for them. I understand it is not enough, however, I do stand with them as a part of community support. In fact, I am going through separation and feeling good about it. I did pass through all these tests of not communicating with my wife. Watching TV after coming from office. Not spending time with her. Not taking her out on weekends. So, seems that I am culprit in ending my relationship. Though, I have different feelings here. I entered into marriage feeling that life would be bed of roses and I have partner to support me during my odd/good times. I tried understanding her after marriage and even going to the point where I started to forgive her violent behavior. But it is said, that everything has limits, so it was. I lost the FEELING eventually to take care of her, to respect her and support her. I stopped enjoying sex with her. Everytime I tried to discuss things with her, she just could never follow the plan which WE created for her. Apology after few days of violent behavior was her second habit. Finally, I decided to get rid of her and make my life better. So, the separation case is ON in court. Let’s see how it goes. But, I will win the case. Nonetheless, you learn from tough times, so did I. What I feel we were lacking were “Vulnerable Discussion”. Had we opened out our hearts and minds to each other more frequently and more truthfully, we would have created a bond of trust amongst us and probably, could have saved our relationship from being torn apart. I feel like advising to the people who are in tough relationship to go for CONSCIOUS “Vulnerable Discussion”. Means both of you open your heart and minds to each other and even if you need to verbally abuse each other, do that. Let the things come out. Let the healing begin once all the negativities about each other is out. It is not that simple, but I see it as a silver lining to save the relationship which has already being tampered and destroyed. Finally, spend few days in just opening your hearts and minds to each other and you will naturally see other partner becoming more caring towards you. Do this till this kind of sharing becomes your second habit. Do it every day, every week. It will save your life. You know the outcome – you will become pleasant and your relationship will naturally grow into its fullest and happiness would come to bestow you. Amen! Remember: Vulnerable Discussion is required.
Hmm! We can try listening a little louder!
You’re probably right, Amit. Vulnerable Discussion’s could lead to Constructive Dissagreements! But it’s not always that easy. I am sorry for your loss, or win, whichever you feel. But life goes on! God alway’s has a plan, a plan for all of us. God Bless!