A Father’s Day Reality Check
Dr. Parrott,
My wife and I have been together 11 years. There’s no one thing that’s really wrong with our marriage. But lately there isn’t anything that’s really right either.
Maybe it’s that our marriage has come to revolve exclusively around our two children (we have a seven- year-old daughter and 10-year-old son). I would say 90 percent of our conversations are about the kids. And all our free time is devoted to them — homework, sports, activities. It’s always about what they need. I love my kids, so don’t get me wrong, but is this normal?
- Jeff
Dear Jeff,
Thanks for sharing your story — it highlights a tough topic that more couples need to confront head-on.
Almost every couple at some point falls into the routine of prioritizing children above their relationship. And if it’s not kids, it’s their careers, community commitments, family obligations, etc. Is it understandable? Absolutely. Is it good for your relationship? Never.
All the experts agree on the fundamental issue here: when you prioritize your marriage, your union is less likely to erode. When you take your eye off the prize, you’ll likely end up with the generalized malaise you describe feeling in your marriage. Your connection will tend to fade. Your sex life may all but disappear. The good times will get fewer and farther between; you will find it harder to bounce back from the tough times.
But you can begin to turn things around, I promise. It is possible to be a great parent to your children and also a passionate partner to your spouse. You can shift the course of your marriage by starting to shift your perspective. It will mean being more intentional with each other. It will mean following through and making the effort every single day. Read on for some good tips to put into practice so that by next Father’s Day, your marriage will look remarkably different.
Don’t see it as neglecting your kids.
Instead, think of it as setting a good example.
Your marriage needs to come first. Easier said than done, right? Making your relationship number one can be tough when you have young children. I know — we have two boys under the age of 10. They require constant care and attention.
But remember, your marriage forms the foundation for their development. It shapes how they see themselves and the world. Make no mistake: it is the springboard from which they will launch into adulthood. That’s why divorce is so damaging — it cracks the liftoff platform for our kids.
Study after study has shown that one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is to clearly and visibly love and respect each other. Kids are like sponges. They feel secure and cared for when they observe their parents consistently loving each other and putting each other first. Children raised in homes like these tend to grow into adults with a healthier sense of self and a healthier approach to their own relationships. It’s that simple — and that much of a responsibility.
So, really exemplify this importance of a strong marriage to your kids. Not enough couples completely grasp this perspective. All the parenting experts will tell you the same thing: you need to give yourself permission to prioritize your marriage. This is the critical first step toward a marriage that feels fulfilling and vibrant.
Don’t keep sleepwalking through your relationship with your wife.
Instead, commit to doing the work required to break the routine.
All too often, couples who allow children to take center stage place the needs of the marriage on hold. Though this “holding pattern” can be managed through compromise and strong communication, many relationships are badly wounded by the neglect that can add up. Take an honest look at your marriage with your wife. Pinpoint the specific needs that have taken a backseat. Specifically identify what you’d like from each other in the different areas of your relationship: more time, more support, more sex, more space. Discuss how you can even more effectively help each other and be there for each other as both parents and partners. Truly commit to do the work it will take to get back on track.
“Working on your marriage” has such a negative connotation in our culture of shortcuts and short attention spans. But every husband needs to be a man and realize that marriage is work. Period. It doesn’t have to be hard, backbreaking work. But it does take effort. A great marriage doesn’t just happen effortlessly. As Dr. Warren, who’s been married for over 40 years, says, “All it takes is small amounts of constant attention.” It’s like your body. Rare is the person who never exercises yet still remains healthy well into old age, right? Or think of your car. It’s never a good idea to let it break down before you start caring for it. Why would you care for your marriage any other way?
Don’t think it’s about grand gestures.
Instead, realize that it’s about a series of little changes that add up quickly.
• Every day, designate “marriage time.” It’s hard to deepen a relationship without actually spending time alone together. And children will take every minute of your time if you let them. So, take half an hour each day in which you strictly forbid interruptions by your kids. Your kids aren’t toddlers anymore, so you can do this easily. Other couples may need to wait until the kids go to bed to carve out this time. Don’t feel guilty about enforcing this husband-and-wife time. Remember, this is actually good for your kids and it is vital to your marriage.
• Talk better, connect deeper. Try to engage in conversation with your wife that has nothing to do with the “business” of your family. Keep reknitting the ties that bind a couple together, and this will create a solid family framework within which to raise children. Use your “marriage time” to acknowledge each other for everything you do. Explicitly convey your liking, warmth, caring, and concern for your partner.
• Realize that romance is vital. Don’t neglect how important romance is to a happy marriage. A happy wife is a wife who feels cherished. That’s the real definition of romance. What she wants most is something out of the ordinary that lets her know how deeply you care for her. This could mean occasionally giving her flowers or making her favorite meal as a surprise. It could be about giving her compliments and letting her know she is still attractive to you. Your wife adores any and every simple gesture of intimacy from you. Don’t get lazy.
• Schedule time for intimacy. Don’t wait for spontaneity, or you’ll end up waiting a long, long time. This may not seem particularly sexy, but it is actually one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Think about all the time you expend nurturing your career, your children, your physical health. Your sex life deserves the same focused attention and dedicated effort. So yes, it may feel strange at first, but actually put sex dates on your calendar. You may even discover that it can actually be a great way to build excitement and heat between the two of you.
• Build a support network to make date nights a constant in your life. Develop a trustworthy and caring group of relatives, friends, and hired help who can assist in your efforts to focus on your marriage. Plan nights in or out. Try something new together. Spend time just enjoying each other’s company.
Parenting is complex and immensely important. But so is consistently and effectively investing in your marriage. Make every effort, regardless of the demands on you as parents, to preserve and build your marriage relationship. The tactics I’ve outlined are not revolutionary. They are not complex. They don’t take exorbitant amounts of time. They merely involve intention. They are about living out your love for each other. There are few greater gifts parents could offer their children.
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