Inside the Mind of the Married Man: What He Said About Sex
Redbook magazine recently polled over 5,000 married men to determine what they really think about their sex lives. The results were refreshing and heartfelt. If you think your husband is only interested in models and lingerie, think again. The poll revealed he wants you. He wants you to want him. And he wants to please you — it pleases him!
Read on to learn exactly what men felt were the key ingredients to keeping the passion alive after “I do.”
1. Men said they need honesty.
Of course, it would be great if you both always knew exactly what to do to make sex great. But moods change, bodies change, and no one reads minds. The Redbook survey found that men want to know how to turn their wives on in bed. They actually want to be told what women want.
2. Men said they need enthusiasm.
You may remember from your dating days that one of the traits that made a person most attractive and desirable was their passion for you! Years after you’ve said, “I do,” the rules remain the same. Every married man wants his wife to feel an unbridled passion for him. How unbridled? Most men said they would love you to initiate sex, and that includes making the first physical move. Because men don’t take hints, dressing up and being flirty may not do the job.
When’s the last time you waved him off because dinner was cooking or the kitchen was dirty? Spontaneity is also a form of enthusiasm that demonstrates, “Hey, being with you is the thing I love to do most.” Of course, the spontaneous sex doesn’t always win over the responsibilities of the day. But giving in and passionately pursuing sex every now and then will make you the enthusiastic partner he craves.
3. Men said they need attention.
One of the real surprises of the survey: men have feelings too! This need for attention outlines the differences in the way men and women process feelings of closeness. Women tend to need help around the house to create closeness. (Which is why you are probably thinking, “Why should I do any of these things if he won’t help me around the house?”) Men tend to need sex to feel closeness.
It won’t come as any shock to you that these two needs repel each other. As long as each person waits for the other to give in first, a stalemate develops. Over months and years the standoff can erode any sense of tenderness and affection between the couple. It’s a vicious cycle. You feel that you’re doing all the work, and he feels that you have prioritized him somewhere between feeding the dog and taking out the trash.
It must be a give-and-take affair, with a negotiated settlement that works for both sides. Just know that what he silently wants more than anything is to be the focus of your attention.
4. Men said they need variety.
In most areas of life, we crave variety. Our human needs don’t change much from day to day, but we love to satisfy them in a variety of ways. For men, sex is no different. The same routine, in the same order, time after time can leave anyone yawning. The trick is to have many different kinds of sex — safe, tender, raunchy, quick, slow. In fact, set the stage for your lovemaking by being sexual prior to your time in the bedroom. Create an atmosphere of anticipation with touches, looks, smiles, and words.
In addition, since the mechanics of sex can become so routine so fast, consider some new tricks. There’s a reason the Kama Sutra has been around for 18 centuries. We’re not suggesting you move your comfort zone to another zip code — just stick your toe in the water and explore some new ground.
5. Men said they need reciprocity.
And by reciprocity, the surveyed men specifically pinpointed giving and receiving oral sex! Now, the fact that men want more oral sex is no surprise to any woman with a pulse. And while this topic can make even married adults a bit skittish, it’s important to consider how rethinking oral sex can dramatically heat up a lukewarm love life.
Oral sex fundamentally differs from intercourse because partners are not equally participating in the act. With oral sex, one person is very tangibly receiving while the other person is giving. There’s a certain power inherent to that dynamic, and thus it is not surprising that it can be “withheld” to make a point in a relationship. If you’re guilty, and most of us are at some point, you know the old “you are not giving me what I need outside the bedroom so I won’t give you what you need in the bedroom” maneuver. It’s a dangerous tug-of-war to play in marriage. Stop this pattern.
Oral sex is the perfect opportunity for husbands and wives to display a willingness to give to their partners. Ultimately there is nothing sexier than this — in and out of the bedroom. It also creates another opportunity to express what you’d like from him. Now, you may be thinking that there is little doubt that most men are more excited about receiving than giving in this area, but that’s not what the survey found. One way to ensure that any imbalance in this area gets addressed is a technique many sex therapists advocate called “pleasure swapping.” One night is designated as “your night,” and you’ll be the focus of the fun. The next time you’re together, he’ll be the recipient. It’s a great way to spice up your sex life and to explore giving and receiving in a more evenhanded way.
6. Men said they need confidence.
Unfortunately, our culture makes it hard for women to feel confident about their sexual skills. Mixed messages about how much female sexuality is proper — combined with a youth-oriented, model-thin media bombardment — can make anyone feel less than ideal, but the survey has shown that deep down, most men don’t really hold you to that standard.
Furthermore, they want you to show confidence in your sexiness and your ability to have a great time in bed. Like the old saying goes, “If you have confidence, nothing else matters, and if you don’t have confidence, nothing else matters.”
So what is confidence in the bedroom? Is it swagger? Maybe a little. Is it being forward? No doubt. But more than anything, confidence in the bedroom is relaxing and moving forward with pleasure as your goal. You just let what happens happen, without worrying about orgasms or hitting certain marks. As long as you are focused on pleasure, you can’t lose.
When you build up the confidence to know that whatever happens, you’re sexy, then you’ll be great in bed and you’ll always have fun. You will exude a sexual confidence that your husband will find irresistible.
So there you have it. Just a small glimpse inside his head and into his hopes and dreams. Incidentally, the survey also revealed that more than half the men say they desire their spouses as much today as when they met, and more than a fifth desire their mates more. Call it the thrill of familiarity: more time together does not have to equal less passion. But you do have to learn to work desire, as you would any other muscle.
(20 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: For Women, Gender Differences, Sex and Romance
94 Responses to “Inside the Mind of the Married Man: What He Said About Sex”
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Since when is oral sex only giving or receiving? Ever heard of 69? And what a stereotype to say that men want oral more than women. It’s like saying men want sex more than women; and that’s just not necessarily true in a well-adjusted, confident women who has overcome dysfunctional societal messages about women and sexuality.
It is no surprise that men want oral sex. I wonder how many women who want sex, WANT oral sex and how many just put in the effort to get the passion from their partner?
I find that I give in to giving him his brand of closeness far more than he caters to my needs to feel close (housework etc). I have to say it makes me feel whorish to have to give in first considering that I’m offering my body and all he’s got to offer is what is his inherent responsibility anyway. If I did as little as he does, well, the house would look like a dump.
I cannot simply throw aside the dinner or the dishes, not just because of kids and the fact that I can’t do the sex thing without food in my belly first but because tomorrow that mess will be there, complicating my day. That’s why he can do it and I can’t – because tomorrow it won’t bother him. Heck, it won’t bother him tonight while I lie there fretting about it.
I had plenty of passion, I still have plenty of passion, and I initiate sex now and again, on my terms. I don’t think I can recall the last time he initiated cleaning the house. I’m fairly certain it’s never happened.
Sorry but I just won’t whore myself out for the sake of his ego. He can develop some confidence or learn some new ways of feeling and sharing affection via recognizing the million and one nice, sweet, thoughtful things I do for him and this family. How can I have confidence if I don’t have an ounce of self respect?
I feel this article is just another “cave to his needs because he’s incapable of change”
-If that’s the honest truth we may as well throw the towel in now.
How nice and predictable.
Check it out, my husband doesn’t want oral sex. (Which I love to perform, but I get no reaction from him) so I don’t even care anymore.
Also, I love it to recieve it but he is clumsy and is perfectly SILENT when he is down there. I swear, it sounds like he is reading a newspaper, and touches me with no passion, and sometimes does these horrible light “blows” which make me physicallly cold and just are SO not what I am looking for.
No matter how many times I explain what will work for me, he goes back to the same boring routine. It does nothing for me, and I just endure it so he will feel like he did something nice for me and feel good about himself.
Guess what? When people have had many, many partners (he has slept with around 90 people) they get bored.
Sex can’t always be good, no matter how hard you try and that is the bottom line.
This article dosen’t answer what to do when you do iniciate, and try to be spontaneous, but the rut continues… he’s not cheating but we have definately slowed down our normal repitoire. I have tried hotels and showers and everything, it works for the moment, but goes right back to the same. Women are hard to read?!? I think not.
I agree that the scales seem unbalanced at times, but I think it can be the woman’s ‘fault’ too. For example, women are socialized to be ‘givers’, and many of us feel guilty when we are just on the receiving end of pleasure. I don’t begrudge my husband his enjoyment of oral sex, and he’s more than happy to reciprocate, but sometimes, I feel selfish when he’s just focusing on me. And that’s a feeling I’m not used to having. Also, since it takes women longer than men to climax (usually!), that can also make us women seem like we’re taking too long and then we can’t relax and get lost in the pleasure of it. But…I can definitely understand what Sarah is saying too…it can feel like we’re trading sexual favors to get what we want or need sometimes, and that seems wrong.
I agree with Sarah about the whorish deal. I have “used” sex in order to get my way in the house ~ and this is after 20 years. I even hate to admit that my oldest (17 years) even knows when we have had sex as she will make comments like, well I see Daddy’s in a better mood, you must not have been tired last night. But after a long day at work, then coming home and making dinner and cleaning up, and dealing with everything, alot of the times, I am too tired. Then to get the attitude that it is all up to me anymore, well isn’t that the icing on the cake!
I think I’m in the majority of women when I say I need oral sex to achieve orgasim. Intercourse does not provide that for me. So oral sex doesn’t have the same value to both men and women – it may have the same desire but not value. That fact that God made the bodies so the act of intercourse is not what gives the woman satisfaction I’ve never understood. And, excuse my crudeness and bluntness but I’ve never heard a woman say she likes the taste of him and equally I’ve never heard a man say he didn’t like the taste of a woman. I think for most women we’d like to give our man that pleasure – and we don’t mind not getting pleasure at the same time – but the fact that it gives us displeasure is what turns us off from doing it. That and the fact that he never keeps up his end of the housework bargin. I’m with Sarah on that thought – where is his initiating that.
Pleeease! After 16 years of marriage I’m through giving. Earlier in my marriage I did everything even after our children were born to keep the passion in our relationship. I’ve grown tired of doing EVERYTHING plus working outside the home. I do the giving he does the taking. At this point he’s lucky if he gets it once every few months. I’ve discussed what my needs are numerous, numerous times. What’s the point. He doesn’t listen.
I’m appalled at the suggestions of this article. All women do is give. We give up everything for our men and what do WE get in return… very little.
Nope sorry I’m not buying it. You want it then you go to work all day, take care of the kids, cook, clean and I’ll reconsider my feelings.
I gave in and divorced my husband after 25 years together.
Now I have met a man that believes that if he takes care of me first, makes me happy in every way he can, gives all he’s got and then some, he will get rewarded as well. We have the best sex I have ever had in my life. After being with the same man for more then 25 years, I have now found out that I love having sex more then I ever did in the past. We make love every night, some times 2 or 3 times a night. Every morning we wake each other up ready to please the other and it is GREAT. He loves to make me climax, over and over. I in turn love to try to get him to cum as many times as I can. I am 44 years old and I can say with pride, I LOVE HAVING SEX, ORAL SEX, 69, in the shower, outside under the stars, next to the pool, any place he wants to have it, I love to do it. He says that he never made love to anyone like this before and I know I never did. I can’t believe that his ex-wife didn’t like to have sex with him, he is wonderful. He doesn’t understand why my ex went looking for sex someplace else, I don’t either, but thats another story! Give and take, please one another, take turns being on top. The more we have sex, make love to one another, the more we want it.
I do have to say this, I am thankful neither of us can have children anymore because I know that as much as we are doing it, we would have lots of children. I already have 6!
Interesting, I do much of the cooking and share the housework. I do all of the bill paying and the house work that is “man’s” work, you know fix this and that etc. I can tell you that it doesn’t make any difference in my house. We have sex about once every 5 or 6 weeks and then there is no intensity. While I enjoy giving oral, the only path to fulfillment for my wife, I would also like to receive some sometime. I think it was 5 years ago… There is no spontinaity and my wify hasn’t initiated sex in a very long time. So obviously there is more to the picture than just being helpful around the house. At this point I have given up on having the kind of physical relationship that I would like.
I never even think to equate sex with housework. I’m sure I get as much pleasure from our intimacy as my husband. I also don’t agree that women can only achieve orgasm with oral sex alone. And actually, God did make our bodies so that we can have orgasm with intercourse alone. Sometimes it takes more effort, but definitely does happen. Relax and open your mind a little and stop nagging, it works.
Okay, get this… I stopped initiating sex except for the once in a blue moon for the fact of when I did my chances of being shot down were 99.9%. Now my husband complains that I don’t initiate enough. Well if he wouldn’t of had and still have the attitude that he has to be in the mood before I initiate anything and I have to be psychic then he wouldn’t have that problem.
C’mon how many times do we, ticked off/tired/not in the mood period, just go with the flow because we can’t take being pestered and whined at. Oh if you are a man reading this…the pestering and whining because you want sex and aren’t getting it ensures that we won’t change our minds later!
My husband and I are young, but have been married for 10 years. I’m 29, he’s 32. He LOVES giving and receiving oral sex, plus I orgasm every time from just intercourse, not requiring oral stimulation. I, however, do not initiate and sometimes it takes me awhile to let go of the day I’ve had to enjoy myself…but I do agree…I feel like I’m constantly giving in to his needs in this area and he’s not reciprocating on his end as far as housework….but I do notice little things here and there that he has started doing for me that he wasn’t doing before when I was with holding. He takes out the trash on time, keeps up the yard (mostly), and is generally spending more time with the children. It’s a road that I think we’ll always find “under construction” signs on….it’s not perfect and it may not always be easy, but sometimes if we let go of our “needs”, we do find pleasure and satisfaction in the bedroom. And to the woman who has sex 3 times a day….I only wish I could have that kind of sex drive!!!!
I found the responses to this Article fascinating, primarily in the hostility of the women to what seem to be rather reasonable, loving suggestions in the Article. Sarah’s response is particularly interesting. Her problem is easy to figure out, yet she will never see it. The non responsiveness of her husband to her is about what I would expect, given her attitude. She is angry and hostile – unless she changes THAT no one, and that includes her husband, will find her attractive. Would she find a man who acted similarly attractive? We all love, and I say that facetiously, shrews who carp about housework all the time.
I also loved Kat’s post – undoubtedly she has never said a word about any of her myriad complaints about her husband’s technical sexual expertise to him – she would rather complain publicly to a group of strangers than showing him the respect of telling him in a loving fashion what she wants. If he is not passionate, I would expect nothing less given what I can glean about her from her post.
The only female who seems remotely satisfied on this Board is one who says she is happy because her husband always looks to her needs first. That would seem to be what the rest of the posters want. What I think, ladies, is you need to grow up and begin taking an active role in finding your happiness, rather than waiting for life or some man to treat you perfectly. It will never happen, and you reveal the true depth of your ionsecurity by demanding life cater to your fleeting desires. Mark
I have never read so much negative —- in my life. Sex is an extension of love. Too many people have reduced it to nothing more than beasts mating and nothing more than fleshly appetite for selfish pleasure. Even when something is given, something is expected in return. Then again, many of you don’t know what love is. When someone has had 90 or more sex partners he definately doesn’t have a clue. How sad that society is so focused on perfecting something banal instead of learning how to truly love one another. Our whole world seems to revolve around sex until one human can’t look at another without evaluating him/her on some sexuality scale. Being intimate with your partner is more than an act, it is acceptance and trust and an extension of your affection and yes, sex can be very beautiful; and you don’t have to stand on your head or buy some book that reduces it to carnality.
I just read your post, Mark, after I made mine. Go Mark! I agree with you 100%!!!!!
I must be the luckiest woman around because I married the PERFECT lover and I do mean perfect!!!! We’ve been married 11 years now. My only complaint is that I wish MY sex drive were higher! It is hard to switch worlds going from mom/housekeeper/part-time worker to lover. Before we had kids, sex and intimacy happened spontaneously and eagerly so you can imagine how happy my husband was to be able to enjoy his wife. His desire is to always please me. Making love with and to my husband is wonderful because he is THE best lover!
At first when I read Sarah note I could see her point. I have felt like that alot. In retrospect, when I am honest with myself, I can see just how much my husband does do for me and for our family. I am amiss in giving him attention. It was so easy when we were first together, it was just us. Now there are the demands of kids, and their activities, both our jobs etc… and we have let other things become priorities. When we got married, our minister told us, the most important relationship in this new family is the one between husband and wife. If we are honest with ourselves, we need to ask for what we need. I need help, I need sex etc… we don’t. We’re married! Why cant we ask for what we need. Who else in our lives are we closer to, or should be closer to. I can’t read minds, and neither can my husband. I know men are wired different than I am. Thanks to everyone who wrote, I see me in all of it. Even in Marks reply….thanks I needed that! Donna
I am the one with the high sex drive and my husband has pretty much none.
I feel like a freak.
Everyone says that men are the ones who think about sex all the time, but mine obviously does not.
I do not pressure him. We have only been married for three years. He and I are both 45 and this is both our second marriages.
It makes me sad to think I am going to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.
Any ideas? I feel I have tried everything.
Well, I thought the article was interesting but a little to simplified/generalized. I’m afraid that sex and housework don’t fall in the same category for me. And I pray it never will. I work full time, as does my husband, therefore, we should share taking care of our home and our children. I don’t keep a tally of who’s doing what, I don’t have time for that. I admit that my first husband was not very attentive and didn’t notice if I was drowning in my responsibilities. My current husband is much more so, with experience I was able to recognize the traits in a man that I needed. My husband has actually seen me getting overwhelmed and sent me off to take a day to veg and release some stress. When I came home the house was clean, the kid was clean and fed and the cat had all its fur. So life was fine. I try to remember to foster that in him as well, but men carve that time for themselves more than women do. We seem to want to me martyrs. Anyway, I have to learn how to not feel guilty like Kristi said, cause I definitely go through that when receiving oral sex and often stop him before I climax because of it. Also, it takes me a loooonnnnggg time to climax and there have been many occasions where I just faked it because I felt I was taking too long. I guess it’s not totally fair to him or to myself. I think I may talk some to him about it. There’s always room for improvement in any relationship. BUT….I hate talking to him about sex. I’m always afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing, or say it the wrong way.
Housework and sex. Should these really be connected? You can’t solve everything at once. Why take your chore issues into the bedroom? If you are too upset to even think about sex, that’s one thing. But once you mix business with pleasure, so to speak, you’re making things harder than they have to be. It seems to me that passion shouldn’t have to be earned…it’s created, right on the spot. If your mind is on the injustice of dirty dishes, well, the moment is practically defeated from the start. Think about what he does right
I’ve had complaints #1-4 from my husband, so I’m not saying I have the secrets of life or anything, but I can testify that sex is much much easier and better if you can just let go of your crappy day. If your husband is making your day crappy by lazing around the house while you work your buns off, try talking to him about it -without- bringing up sex as well. One thing at a time…
Now if I may vent a little
let me say that there is such a thing as -too- much reciprocity. Guys, it’s not all about making your lady come as much as possible. My husband gets upset if I rush foreplay, because he wants to give and give and give. Sounds great in theory, but to me personally, some of the best sex is without foreplay. So you can be sure I’m not surprised to hear the article say “He wants you to want him. And he wants to please you – it pleases him!” Let him know what pleases you, but also let him know when you want to move on. He’ll love to hear the former, but he needs to know the latter as well. (Gently, gently…) Hubby still can’t quite understand…maybe few could, I don’t know! Perhaps the reason I feel compelled to air these thoughts, more or less publicly, to find out how crazy you think I am, heh. But like some have said, the same routine can get old, no matter how well it seems to work.
Wouldn’t it be nice if pleasure and partnership wasn’t so much freakin work? Lol
Wow, I’m lucky… I’ve had a great sexual experience … with my ex husband (divorced for other reasons other than sex… ) and my present sweet heart…
I’ll speak of my current baby… and for the record, let me say that we did not reach here easily nor quickly, but slowly and steadily…….. we give and receive oral on a regular basis, making sure we please each other… (he is the first to make me orgasm orally, and let’s just say, the first to make me orgasm with him doing all the work… as he whispers, don’t worry baby, I’ll do all the work. : ) Any way, the thing is, he does treat me like a queen, and of course this encourages me to please him even more, which in turns inspires him to treat me even better….
So I suggest ladies, instead of being part of the negative cycle, begin a positive cycle… start it off, and watch it soar….
I’ve given him without expecting in return… and yet he returns as if it’s natural to him to please me…
so give in, because it does help make things turn around….. and be patient when things do not work out or seem awkward… because believe me, it definitely happened to us… patience and gentle communication and right timing can work wonders….
Oh, and P.S. I take turns pleasing him some days, and he takes turns pleasing me… and of course, MOST times it’s BOTH! And believe me, I DO NOT orgasm easily, and believe you me, HE DOES NOT either… I just seem to get him (and he me) into the zone : ) as we call it…
So do it slowly and make love, or sometimes have a quickie, role play if you like, or just feel each other and enjoy the touch of each other’s skin… patience, gentle communication, yes, even some humor… there just may be some light at the end of the tunnel.
And my the way, we are newlyweds… but have shared a slowly grown sexual life for two years and the joyful burden of my two little ones for several more……
We vowed we’d never be like our parents, who have been married for a combine 62 years, but had much to be desired in their sexual lives….
So HAVE FUN… (by the way, I have a very active 7 year old boy and 9 year old girl : )
All I have to say is if you can barely have an orgasm unless it is oral then you have never been with a good lover…i went from the occasional orgasms from past lovers to the almost everytime orgasm with my husband. And if I don’t orgasm through intercourse, he has no problem giving oral. I have no problem giving oral. Infact I truly enjoy it. It makes me feel great that I am giving him all that pleasure
I feel like people don’t take their vows serious enough…I can see if you exhausted every possibility to try to make things work but neither of you are mind readers. I tell him what I want–how I want it…If I don’t like something–I’ll tell him–better yet show him. Your suppose to spend the rest of your life with this person..better start opening up your mouth and telling him what you want. Maybe that’s why I have a great relationship–Whatever is on my mind–I say it. It will only benefit us both…
Housework and sex should never been seen in such a trade-off situation. Sex should be done just for the pleasure of it, it shoudn’t be a chore or something to suffer through. My husband and I are eachother’s first and only – granted it’s only been about 2 years, but I have no complaints. Like one of the other people who posted, I have a high sex drive, sometimes more so than my hubby’s – which is not a problem usually, but sometimes can be frustrating – he seems to be able to go longer w/o than I can, but we’re working on fixing that! I hope for those women who see this aspect of their marriages as such a source of frustration, will learn to relax and enjoy it. I really enjoyed the men’s posts. It is such a delight to hear what they think directly. I think with women sometimes it is difficult for us to speak up and say what we’d like and just live in the moment, our minds are constantly moving forward to the next step, what to cook for dinner, what’s to be done tomorrow, etc. We want to please our husbands – and they are easy to please! hard to read sometimes, but easy to please – thank God – if only we were so simple!
I am in the same boat as ociana, my darling husband is not one for a lot of sex either, and i am a hot blooded Scorpio how loves to make love. this is my third marriage and i love my hubby dearly but am at a loss as to why he doesnt like to make love very often. When we first met i loved to have oral sex and any other position or type of sex but this made no difference to the frequency of lovemaking in out relationship.Shyness in experimentation seems to have taken over as when you only make love every 6 to 8 weeks there are problems with lubrication and other issues as you grow older. Dont get me wrong i am not complaining about my hubby as he is just beautiful. I also have one concern that i do not understand and we have talked about this issue as well and that is he lkies to look at porn but it doesnt lead to sex between us. I am probably thankfull for this anyway as it would make me feel like a whore anyway.He does like oral sex and so do i but he receives it more times than i do ????Because he is such a sweetie i tend to put sexual issues to the back of my mind as i too dont want to hurt him in any way.
Thank you for an interesting, yet sad commentary from so many of you.
I am 40 years old and happily married to my 43 year old husband. We would like to have sex daily, but you know, life gets in the way. We have 2 teenage kids, jobs, pets, bills, and extended family we try to visit and a myriad of other things. Add to that horses, and baseball (activities of the kids of course) and I hardly sit down before 8:30 at night.
We love our sex life and yet we don’t get to have it daily and no, it isn’t always a 50-50 split of who does what to whom. Gosh some weeks it may be 90/10 or 20/80 in the opposite favor? Isn’t that part of the variety and fun? Why are you keeping score? Is there a loser and a winner in bed? Yikes!
Of course life is hard, tough and unfair, but to drag that in the bedroom? That is a safe-haven. A place for refuge from the world, both physically and emotionally. Maybe it is more for me and less for him in those 2 arenas or even vice versa, but I find our sex life to be the thing that we look forward to – even if it is only once a week sometimes due to scheduling. If your husband doesn’t do what pleases you, gently tell him, do not advertise it here. Why on earth would he want to please you now? Would you want your sexual inadaquecies (and we all have them ladies) advertised on this forum? Does he tell total strangers about your big bum or small breasts or lack of expertise in the oral arena?
You have to “whore” yourself out to get the dishes done? Please. Do the silly dishes and go have a blast in the bedroom anyway. Who cares who does the dishes? Ask him to do them next time, or better yet, use paper plates and don’t worry about it. Ya know if you let the house go and go spend time with your husband, you will find that the house probably won’t burn down, kids won’t starve and the neighbors will never even see the dirty sink. Yet, you and your husband may leave that bedroom with a smile that even a week later won’t come off.
Life isn’t about housework. Certainly love isn’t. Love is kind, patient, puts others needs above one’s own needs and all of the other things that make it grand. Love takes work. Love takes time. Love takes commitment. Through thick and thin. Grand sex and no sex or even less than perfect sex. Try to focus on the positive things in your bedroom and your life. Maybe he doesn’t do it perfectly every time. Surely, you don’t either. He just hasn’t stooped so low as to advertise it here.
Don’t you ladies love your husbands? The problem I see with some of you is that you are angry and that probably didn’t start in the bedroom. So work out this issue where it is located.
I am sure all of the angry ladies will be even angrier at me now as they assume that I am on the men’s side, but really I am on your side. You just quite possibly have the person that is meant for you, but you are not focusing on the good. Before you are so quick to judge your husbands inadequacies,remember who you look at in the mirror each morning and think about yourself and if he finds you adequate. And I don’t mean physically. Look at your heart and attitudes.
PS, to the woman who gets sex 3 times a day – can I loan you my life for a weekend? You go girl!!
Okay the ladies are going to hate me for this (as I am a women) BUT…AMEN MARK!! Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking when I read all of these posts…
You will never get what you want out of your marriage (or life for that matter) with having a constant negative attitude…obviously my marriage is not perfect or I would not be here, but I am not going to make it better by complaining and being negative all the time. You get back from life and people what you put out. Be positive, enjoy life and who you are and your husband WILL start enjoying and loving you more in the way you need! And for God’s sake SPEAK UP. He can not read your mind!
Peace and Love!
~robyn
I read all the responses here and I’ve been married 21 years. My husband is the one who has no time or interest in sex. I have never associated housework and sex. But I agree with you ociana I too feel like a freak sometimes. He takes the Viagra occasionally but then its really all up to me. I get very little out of it and YES I have told him numerous times what it takes for me what I would like and what turns me on, but basically he he never does it. My husband provides well, all that stuff, but there is no passion, no romance and no time alone anymore. I think he prefers it that way so the pressure of having sex isn’t there for him.
What are all of you so angry about?
After 19 years of marriage, 2 kids and 1 affair (his), all I have to do is say, “I am really tired and don’t think I’m in the mood, but we both know you know how to get me in the mood”.
He has learned to take the time and if I really am too tired or not in the mood, he has the satisfaction of knowing the afffection has helped me relax and sleep well and it is still a great primer for the next opportunity”. I am also much more likely to initiate next time because he has kept things smoldering.
And, don’t think he is great about helping around the house or whatever. He’s not. He is very ADD and makes keeping house very difficult but there are other things that he does that make it worth it. Look for the things that really matter to you. I mean the little things like I would rather do 100 loads of laundry than plunge a stopped up toilet or take my kids to every ball practice, dance recital, etc. for the whole year than have to go to Six Flags with them once.
But, I think the most important thing is to get over yourself and stop being so angry. That has to come through some of the time anyway. It is very hard to be loving and helpful to angry people. Even though they may not realize that is the vibe they are getting.
I don’t know if this will be a helpful tip for the guys or a communication style for the girls. Maybe it will help some of you.
After reading all responses, I am still hesitant to leave a response. Every one seems to be withr bragging or questioning. Personally, I am still questioning and still have no answers. Being the female head of the household can be difficult. It is also difficult for the male head of the household. When anyone gets some advice about intitiating from the woman’s point of view I like to listen, because I really don’t like to initiate. I don’t like it! I guess that is the romantic in me, because I still want to be pursued. Any suggestions would be accepted! Suggestions, not complaints or boasting!
Ociana – my husband had the same problem. It was discovered on our honeymoon
He actually has a medical condition that caused his testosterone to be super low. His doctor didn’t see the need for a testosterone level, but I work in endocrinology and told my husband to not leave without it! If he hasn’t already had a workup, your husband really should get checked out. Its possible that he just has a low hormone level that can be improved with medication. Best wishes!
Ok so I really appreciate this article, but it brings up some things I would like to get opinions on (especailly the male perspective). My husband and I have been struggling quite a bit lately and alot of his complaints are about our sex life. I am truely trying to be available and what he needs, especially since we went to a Week-end to Remember. However I am getting really exasperated. I don’t know if I’m just incapable of seeing things from his perspective, but I feel (meaning I may be wrong) that his expectations are a bit unreasonable. For instance our most recent issue is actually with oral sex. I give my husband oral sex what I feel is quite freely. The only thing that I ask is that he wash up (and I don’t even always ask that). If he does that I don’t mind doing it at all, in fact I like being able to bring him pleasure and don’t care at all that I’m not physically getting stimulation out of it (I often end up wet myself from going down on him). The majority of the time I do it without him even asking. However evidently this simple request is a “huge turnoff” and an unreasonable request. I don’t want to give a slanted view so yes I know that I don’t initiate like I should and I surely don’t have the confidence this article was talking about, but I have never tried to use sex as leverage in our relationship. Perhaps I have said let’s wait or been unresponsive too many times, but never out of spite or anything like that. Anyway I don’t want to draw this out so I’ll ask these 2 things: 1) is this an unreasonable request (please be honest) and 2) I don’t want him to feel like he has to negotiate for sex but when is it ok (and how) to say I’d like to compromise. . . i.e. I’d like to have sex more often but it needs to be earlier when we have to get up the next morning. Anyway any comments are appreciated
I am wondering as I read these comments what is really behind the feelings and pain. I wonder if it is because of housework or because of something deeper that has happened in relationships that have the ability to affect the very intimate and personal side of sex. It is assuring that men want to please their wives. It is freeing that they arent looking to their wives to be models. it could be exciting and so intimate to openly offer ourselves fully and completely to each other in ways that are privately shared with one another. intimate , tender moments that are only between the two. how great a privliedge..but this takes the willingness to expose ourselves, be open and vulnerable to another. how much better this can be when we offer our hearts , lives, children and future to each other and there is trust, commitment, protection, and a safe place to land in each others arms and then …in our bed.
I appreciate the honesty of everyone who has responded to this article. It is reassuring that so many of us endure the same struggles of a relationship over the long haul. I feel better knowing that I am not alone. I think what it comes down to is making each other feel safe and cared for on a consistent basis, which is so difficult when we have such different ways of communicating with each other. Not to mention that there is a constant tug from all sides always demanding our attention away from each other. It is SO HARD to be on the same page sexually. Staying married is probably the toughest job we will have in our lives. Here’s hoping that we all find the right tools to gain success, because, when it’s good, it’s really GREAT!
It is great, I like this, looking forward to have more of this, you people are great and I pray that you people should keep on good work to establish family may God almighty bless the effort of you people amen.
Girls! Sex is good! Sex is great! I have only climaxed through clitoral stimulation and oral sex, but it doesn’t mean that’s all I’ll accept. Lots of other things feel good too! We have been experimenting with vibrators and other toys lately, and my husband loves it! It takes some of the pressure off of him when it takes me a while to “get there” and he gets to experiment and explore new ways to enjoy sex with me.
I can’t believe any woman would use sex to make a point about housework. If your spouse is not sharing in all aspects of the household, you need to tell him to get off his butt and do something, but don’t deny yourself the pleasure and the stress release that sex gives you.
I agree with a few of the other comments about the article being very general, but remember these are results of a survey, not a scholarly treatise on marital sex.
I have to say that the sex and housework/domestic involvement suggestion is very relatable to me. I do sometimes feel exactly as mentioned “If he can’t just run the vacuum without complaining like it is interfering with his ever important spare time, why should I cramp my neck and swallow something not always palatable ( depending on what he ate the night before ) for him?
Granted it is not always like this, but there are times when I am really exhausted and company is coming, or when the house just need serious attention, and he’s downstairs watching his horror movies and tinkering with his bike. Well, it’s my day off too!
BUT, when he DOES ( and he does fairly often ) assist in helping me get through the housework, I feel rejuvinated by not having the burden of the condition of the home to worry about, and the appreciation for his help inspires me to want to give back! Enthusiastically! It does, indeed, make me feel closer to him, because it makes me feel as if he recognizes my needs, my hard work, and appreciates me! It’s a part of KNOWING each other… and getting closer. Good luck to all!
To Shelly:
I have learned that when the oral act has expired before climaxed, it’s nice to just bring his focus upward and long kisses and attentive carresses tends to distract him from not giving me an orgasm. Plus, I told him long ago that it takes me a very long time, and that it is the attention he is giving to me, and the attraction to me I see in his actions makes me feel very loved and satisfied! His orgasms/her orgasms is almost like score-keeping. It takes the fun out of sex! I like the game Consenting Adults ( I think we found it at Ambience ). It has different levels of intimacy, from answering questions about childhood and desires/dreams upto some very risque things. The rank on the cards starts at 1 ( mild intimate conversation ) to 12 ( which we haven’t even read yet! ). It’s like a truth or dare based on touch, verbal communication, visual elements, etc… but scaled to ensure a comfort zone between the two players. The prize for the winner is established in the very beginning… you make up the rewards, yours for if you win, him for if he wins. It is agreed upon, and whoever reaches an amount of points to end the game first wins! There is a lot of control for comfort option in this game. And it begins with emotional/light hearted intimacy and grows into sexual desires/games, etc… Personally, I like a strong margarita before we play. Helps me to unwind ( I am a very tense person, and can be uptight at the end of the day, but a massage, romantic music, candlelight… always good too! ). Good luck!
I think that man have had their way for too long as far as sexual fulfilment is concerned. Why does it always have to be about what he wants, what about me? Why do I always have to be the one to give in to his needs? If he will not meet my needs, then don’t expect me to meet his. After all having done all that he wants, that will not stop him from going to look for sex elsewhere. Lets educate our men to be responsible, sensitive, considerate and caring. Men need to go out of their way too to please women. Imagine, I have been married 18 years, yet all these years I have never had an orgasm. No matter how much I was open and honest about my needs.
What is a person to do; when they know what a man needs and wants, but can’t give it? I want to look at my husband with the same passion and desires I did a year ago. I feel like I am forceing myself, I feel fake. We have been married 7 years and together 9. I am just trying to say, “how do you get it back; so you can give him what he wants and needs:
I think that most of the women need to learn to love and value themselves first and then they can give to their husbands we cannot be everything for someone else and when you are happy with your self you will be happier in life. Not to say that a marriage cannot be one sided and many marriages need a wake up call. I have learned the hard way like most of you. But for me i am very pleased to have a man in my life now that does not need to have sex to be happy and wants me in his arms at night and sometimes i want sex more than he does. I am happy to be out of my past marriage where everything was about sex and how much he got and if it was good enough and there was never enough and i was made to feel like i had the problem. Life is too short to live unhappy but i have learned that i need to be a whole person to love fully. Hope this helps someone.
Robin, you’ve been with this new guy for one year or less, i’m guessing…. b/c what you’re describing sounds like lust. I, too, was divorced and was AMAZED at the newound pleasure i discovered when my new husband and I got serious. I, too, wanted sex with him all the time and it was great. Now, we’ve been together for several years and sex has definitely lost it’s magic. Yes, we’re both guilty of a multitude of the little mistakes that couples fall prey to–the kind of stuff that happens when you live together and are familiar with one another, too busy, and prone to taking one another for granted. Unfortunately, it is the little hurts that add up to cause so much trouble. And I think back to our early days and think “How did THIS happen to us?” We are working on getting the “magic” back now, but the reality is that it will never be like it was on the beginning.
For some of you other ladies, regarding climaxing only from oral vs. being able to climax from intercourse alone–EVERY woman’s body is different and EVERY woman’s mind (the most important sexual organ) is different so EVERY woman’s needs are going to be different too. No one should feel guilty if she requires oral in order to climax–and for all you women who can climax with just intercourse…well, you should consider yourselves doubly blessed.
We are both survivors of sexual abuse. We are married 26 years.
For the first 5 years of our marriage, we had a good sex life, then something happened, what, I don’t know and he stopped wanting or having sex with me. He is the only man I have felt sexually comfortable with, but he became sexually uncomfortable with me & we have not had an intimate relationship for the past 20 years. He decided to have an affair, since he felt that I was the cause of all our problems. I continued to fight for our marriage & after a year, he finally discovered that his perception of me, that caused him to have the affair, & his feelings for the person he was having the affair with, was false. We each, see a professional & at this point, he has finally realized that I am his friend, but still has that block when it comes to me being his lover. I have faced & overcome my childhood dramas…He has yet to face his, head-on, & when he does, I will be there, as my love for him is unwavering.
I would like to say..i have been married for 24 years and i absolutelylove to please my husband. Even though we have had our issues and some of them major I still adore who he is. He has had to make some very big changes in accepting who I am so that I can feel the way I do about him. We have sex everyday and sometimes twice a day sometimes. It is not that I only give into him but he also gives into me and works at making sure I am receiving just as much as he is. When we were having our issues our sex life did dwindle a little but we still made love, had sex or just plain got a quickie at least three times a week. That closeness and security he makes me feel is much appreciated. I will admit that sometimes it was all about me and I will not feel guilty about having needs I want and expect to be met by my husband. My expectations of him are just as important as his expectations of me. True forgiveness for your hurts and anger will do wonders for some of the women who seem to be stuck in a rut of routine and lack of hope. If you show a man how much you love, respect and honor him, he will in turn listen to your needs. Believe me when I say, we have put each other through hell sometimes but sex was always our way of staying connected. Its not always been great, but its been fulfilling and even though we both have had to go through the motions sometimes, giving in to a man who will love you completely has been the most satisfying, no matter how many partners you have had.
A complete respect for each other does wonders for a relationship. I have not always been careful about how I speak to him or treat him, but my want of a great relationship keeps me on my feet and working towards continued happiness. A little tenderness doesn’t hurt and that old saying of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” fits here. Giving in to your husband is not being a whore..its your resentment. And by the way, I do love the way my husband tastes. Sometimes, thats all I want from him. I love the way he smells and I find him incredibly attractive. Its how he looks at me which makes me want him the way I do. Unselfishly and with great knowledge of how we please each other. He still finds me attractive and treats me that way.
Just a reminder..if you won’t do for your husband because of your anger and resentment what do you expect will happen. You can always hire someone to come clean your house, but how would you feel about having him hire someone to take care of his needs? Communication is necessary for both of you to be happy, there is no skirting around issues because that is exactly how problems develop.
Good luck in your happiness…start with yours..it will make a difference in your relationship if you are fulfilled in your own life first.
Brenda
Men want to receive oral sex more than give? What baloney! They obviously never polled my husband. He craves giving it and has since his very first time with me (his very first time ever) almost 20 years ago.
And I agree with “PH”, oral sex doesn’t have to be a give or receive deal. Unless you have some kind of pysical limitations it very much can be a mutual experience every time!
Well said, Mark! Even if I didn’t agree with you 100% (Kat did state that she has told her husband specifially what she wants to no avail), I thought your overall thoughts were right-on.
I think the real key to this whole article was in point #6- Men find confidence sexy. We women tend to think that we need a perfect body to look attractive, but when we feel good about ourselves, our husbands feel good about us, and that makes EVERYone feel sexier. I’ve found that faking confidence at least gets me moving in the right direction- not just to have sex with my husband, but also to have his respect.
Wow this article really touched a nerve in alot of people didn’t it? I’ll have to admit that I was surprised at the amount of women who discussed their dissatisfaction with their sex life as being a product of their husbands not helping out enough at home. Although I will agree that men tend to be selfish creatures (inside and outside of the bedroom), the reasons my husband and I do or do not have sex on any given night have nothing to do with dirty dishes or him not changing the oil in the car.
I agree that the article is simplistic and entirely one-sided. I think most of us already knew that variety and enthusiasm in sex is good, and that doing the same thing over and over is bad. Women’s magazines seem to always contain articles on how to “Look beautiful at any age!” or “How to please/keep your man!” while guys magazines are full of nothing but polls on who is the hottest babe, sports crap or articles on which video game system to buy. I find it sad that woman are constantly being made to feel that they have to be TOLD how to improve themselves or how to keep their husbands interested, while their mates are lead to believe that they need not be concerned with anything other than entertaining themselves.
I guess I would place myself somewhere in the middle here. I enjoy reading any kind of material that gives me helpful hints on how to better communicate and please my guy, but I take it with a grain of salt because I don’t feel the success of our relationship/sex life is entirely my responsibility alone. I am willing to do just about anything my man wants in the sex department (as long as it only involves the 2 of us) because if we intend to be each other’s “one and only” for the rest of our lives, it would be foolish (not be mention boring) to put any boundaries on what we are willing to do with each other.
My husband and I have a great sex life because we both really enjoy sex and are very attracted to each other. Although I still think he has work to do in learning how to please a woman (because men can tend to please themselves first too often), I don’t let that deter from my quest to please him; I figure we can only expect to get what we give. No matter how much he pisses me off, or whatever else is going on in our world, sex is always a priority for me because there is a NOTICEABLE difference in our relationship when we are not having it. I don’t ever want to lose than connection with him – no matter what.
Thank god I am not married to someone like Mark, who unbeknowst to himself is as hostile towards the opposite sex as many of the women he is judging in his post. There is reason those ladies are hostile Mark – and telling them that you understand why their husbands aren’t attracted to them isn’t exactly making yourself appear the most understanding or enlightened person yourself.
I enjoy oral sex from my husband as much as i enjoy giving it to him. We have such an interesting sex life and we enjoy each other so much. My husband says he like oral sex…….. for him its different from the actual act itself. It great.
Ladies, the housework IS your job. Having a j-o-b outside the home is no excuse to complain about your first responsibility – the home. If you’re having trouble with getting your first job done then you need to quit the second. Gentlemen, providing money ,sustenance, security, and a home for your family is YOUR job. Men and women are different, but those differences are not an excuse to carp, complain, and withold sex from your spouse. This goes for the men, too. Respect for each other’s responsibilities is important. Hello, no one reads minds.
You should be keeping the home without complaint. When he does do something without being asked, don’t be shy in letting him know how much you appreciate it. Men tend to forget that keeping the home is a big job, especially with kids, and don’t realize how tired their honeys can get, too, by the end of the day. Neither do most men realize that helping without being asked works wonders in the marriage, and not only in bed! Helping each other isn’t about getting something in bed. It’s a way to say “I love you and appreciate your hard work.” It goes both ways. Neither is more important than the other.
It’s time to quit acting like little spoiled brats. No one can “make” anyone happy or satisfied. It’s not your spouse’s job to make you happy and fulfilled. That said, here’s a few things to consider:
1. Fellows, when you come home from work, you need to show her how good you feel to be home again and how much you missed her. If you’ve never come home and planted a big sweet kiss on her and told her how good it is to be back in her arms…START NOW! Bring her some of her favorite candies or a book she’s been wanting to read. The little things you take the time to notice will do more than all the diamonds and flowers in the world! Likewise, ladies, make your home a soft place for him to land when he comes home from work. The world is a hard place to be. Have his favorite snack ready, a coffee, or whatever your man would enjoy. Ask him about his day and then be quiet and listen…Emphasis on the be quiet! Men, open up to your wives and talk to them! Don’t shut them out of your day. They need you to talk to them and be honest, not just to listen to them. Your wives are not your enemy. Don’t get angry if they don’t understand something. Be respectful and explain what you mean. We all need and want to know we’re thought of and missed during the time we’re separated. Put a note in his lunch box, leave one in her coat pocket.
2. Men, pay attention to your wives. Does she look tired tonight? Then kiss her and tell her you’ll be doing the dishes. Without being asked and no complaining. Lightening each other’s workload is a show of real love. After all, love is NOT an adjective, it’s a verb. Put your dirty laundry where it belongs. Hang up your shirts. If something is on the floor out of place, will it really kill you to pick it up and put it away for her? Don’t leave her your messes. Be neat when doing a project or eating. When you have friends over, don’t treat her like a servant. Appreciate her hard work to make your get-together more fun and pleasurable. Ladies, does he mention how tired his “dogs” are? Bring him a cup of coffee, or whatever, and give him a foot rub, but don’t then sit back and say “my turn.”
3. Ladies, don’t overspend at the store. He works very hard for that money you find so easy to spend. When you do go shopping, make sure you buy him something. Men, don’t make it hard on your wife to buy what the family needs or go ballistic if she does spend a little too much. Be generous with her. No major purchase, anything $100 or more, should be made unless both agree whenever possible. Men, don’t buy expensive tools if it means she can’t buy groceries. Never hide spending from the other. That says nothing good about either one of you.
4. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do anything expecting something in return. We don’t like poeple who are only nice to us when they want something, but when your married it’s even worse. We do things because we love and want to please our spouse. Don’t announce, just do. No, your spouse may not notice every little thing you do when you do it, but you’ll feel good because you’re not making more work and being a burden.
5. Nothing is perfect, things go wrong, and there will be misunderstandings, but since these things are givens it makes it easier to keep them in perspective. Always say your sorry when you do or say something wrong. Admit when you do wrong. A simple SINCERE apology does wonders. Never go to bed angry. Even if you have to pull an all-nighter, do it. When you go to bed without working things out you’re telling your spouse they just aren’t worth the trouble and sacrifice. And you expect good sex and appreciation???
6. Spend your time tending your own “garden” and stop wasting it always looking over the fence at everyone else’s thinking theirs is better. Be satisfied with what you have, and that includes your spouse. If you want your garden to look like it belongs on the cover of a magazine, then you have to put in the time and effort to make it that way.
7. Remember, what you spend the most time working on is what is most important to you. If it isn’t your marriage, then you can hardly complain about having a mediocre marriage at best, can you?
8. Men, do not tolerate disrespect from your kids towards your wife, their mother. Also, never act that way yourself. Good future husbands and wives don’t come that way out the box. You are not harming your children by putting your marriage first. Without a solid marriage your children won’t have a solid home. And a healthy sex life in a marriage will NOT harm your children!
I’ve been married for over sixteen years and we’re in our early 30s with several children. NEVER NEVER NEVER withold sex from the other. Sex isn’t just a carnal act. The real pleasure is in the intimacy, trust, and tenderness that comes with it. Your marriage will not get better or heal on its own. Your marriage is not only what your spouse does or doesn’t do, but what you do and say also.
When you do receive, don’t harp that it’s not exactly what you wanted, the wrong color, not enough of this or that. For crying out loud, try being thankful for once in your selfish lives!!!
So what does all this have to do with this “article?” Everything. Sex is a gift we share that encompasses the entire marriage though it doesn’t define it. However, as some already know, it is not simply a matter of physicality. The best sex doesn’t happen by accident. When we feel underappreciated and are feeling angry with our spouse we need to stop and think. Have I told him/her how much I appreciate them? Have I made his favorite dish “just because?” Have I made breakfast to let her sleep in because I love her? Have I told her/him how beautiful/handsome he/she is to me lately? Before you begin another tirade against your spouse you’d better take inventory of what you’ve done and not done first.
If you consider your spouse’s pleasure first, you both win and sex can then go from being “an act in marriage” to “this is incredible, I never would have thought it possible!” Sex is an expression of what makes a marriage good…The love, the kindness, the thoughtfulness, the sacrifice, and more. Since all people “fit” nicely together, it’s clear sex is more than just mechanics. If you find it hard to give pleasure to your spouse, be it oral sex or another position they enjoy, and they aren’t demanding, then the problem lies in your attitude, not them.
I stopped reading the responses after Mark’s posting.
Honestly the one wretched complaint I hate to hear the most from women is how they withhold sex because men do not help with the housework, my best advice GET OVER IT! Chances are if you did not marry a man who helped you before you were married he is not going to help you out now that you are SO look for the help in the areas he is willing to help out in and be happy for that. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WITHHOLD SEX FOR THAT? Don’t you enjoy sex too??? In a way, if you really think about it you punish yourself as well for something that may never change. Further, remember if he is not getting it from you he may end up getting it from someone who won’t say no-get over the theory that by giving in you are being submissive, get with it and have some fun!
Well, I have mixed emotions after reading everyone’s post. I have only been married for 4 years and yet we still have our problems. Sometimes, I feel I am not getting enough. I am sure my husband thinks he’s not getting enough more than sometimes. It’s just- I love him. Even when I give in it’s because I love him. He may not get it 3x a day or oral sex as often as he wishes, but I believe communication is the key. I wish everyone happy satiated sex lives. Get off the computer and put your hands to better use.
Mark seems to have all the answers and no doubts, so why bother to post anything after his? While he was no doubt pithy, was right on some things, and has gotten the most attention for his entertaining response, he came across as a know-it-all, even with so little information. She said she explained things many times. Hopefully it’s as simple as a hormone fix.
Now, hopefully I don’t sound like a know-it-all. Everyone has their opinion and I have several quick points to make in reply, being one of the last to post.
To the handful who have a huge problem with us talking about intimate matters on a public forum– take it easy. No one knows our real names. This is probably one of the most anonymous and safest places to discuss these things, aside from the risk of harsh criticism from very few.
I have read about and talked to a few smart men who know that listening, caring and catering to a good woman’s needs and desires usually will create a very happy love and sex life, and they thoroughly enjoy doing that. But those are a romantic few, and I suspect is due to their personality type. I doubt we could turn most men into that type. It’s just not realistic, but they could sure benefit from some suggestions from those lovers, couldn’t they?
I agree that part of the frustrations very likely stem from deep seated resentments and maybe even hostility. My husband thankfully is relatively unselfish, but often unaware. I learned that when I finally came out and told my husband how I really felt about problems with our relationship (I’d been afraid to put it all on the table because he’s rather sensitive), he really cared, showed he was willing to work on some things, and some walls I thought were permanent came tumbling down. (Not to say everything was his fault.) Then I became more interested in being intimate with him again, more willing to give him pleasure, which really got him revved up after 24 years! He feels like I am more into HIM than ever, which makes him want to reciprocate even more, not to mention keep me around. Bottom line is, we really need to communicate about our needs and frustrations more with an open heart. Not just about WHAT we need, but how getting our needs met or not getting them met makes us feel.
Lastly, this article was supposed to be somewhat one-sided. It was about what men said, thus what they think, usually based on what they want or how they perceive women. Gosh, I was interested in the male point of view!
Do men realize that it gets old initiating? Trying to please?? Sex can get very one sided and it’s not in my direction. Grow up! I refuse to go and do it in the car to mix things up a bit. Maybe the guy needs to put forth some effort. After dealing with the kids, my job, cooking, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning I don’t feel like “setting a stage”. I do want romance though. Not getting any here!
well i thank God in every thing, my husband is trying but he is not helping me to do house work. and will always want to have sex, as for me am saying that husband and wife should be doing everything together (both house work and sex)
I’d like to mention something that I often times think is my issue alone. but maybe it’s not. I would initiate sex more, feel sexier, feel like my man is attracted to ME more…if he would just kindly stop watching television ALL the time. When he comes home, on goes the TV. It’s on the entire time he’s in the house. He watches it most of the time, but often it’s still on when he goes in the other room, and turns on yet ANOTHER TV, different show. The programs he watches are ALWAYS filled with perfect looking women – Spike TV, SciFi, some reality shows, etc. When he flips channels, he stops at the commercials even that are showing a gorgeous woman, or maybe the Victoria’s Secret commercial. This TV stuff bombards me with perfect, beautiful, young, sexy, and sometimes falling out of their clothes women (commercial with Pamela Anderson and her red bathing suit running on the beach for example). How does a woman feel confidence, secure, sexy..when she is bombarded with these images 24/7? How is a woman to feel sexy, and secure believing that her man isn’t interested in “those” women, but really sees HIS woman as his real turn on. Come on, I know he uses some of these images for his personal stroking, he takes his book with various sex scenes in it to the bathroom for a loonnngg visit, come on! I know he isn’t attracted to me because men are visual, and I am far from the perfection that we see on the average of every 5 seconds on the television. It’s made me feel very unwanted, undesired, and rather insecure. It makes me feel like trying out another man to see if I am still an attractive woman! I wouldn’t do it because I love him too much. Is anyone else “suffering” from the same feelings??? If guys would pay as much attention to their own woman as they do to the ladies on the TV, I think it would pay off.
I think it’s important to recognize that the issue of one partner not being interested in sex is just as much a problem for women as it has traditionally been for men. Or what is always assumed to be for the man in a relationship. I’ve been married 6 years, and for the past three years, my husband and I have made love four times, and not because my lack of interest. I’m 34 and in the prime of my sexuality, and frankly, it’s driving me bonkers that he isn’t interested in sex. I agree that sex is an extension of your emotional intimacy and harmony, and of course we have our issues, which I consider quite normal. But it’s becoming more and more difficult to accept that my husband no longer has an interest in sex. And I need and miss the closeness I had with him…and really I had with any man. He works quite a lot, running two businesses. He’s very driven and focused on his deal, and no, he’s not having an affair. I know this. So ladies be grateful for what you have, a husband who has time for you, who has time and energy to show you how much he loves you. I wish I did.
I think men need a support group on dealing with unmatched libido’s. It must be frustrating for them because they don’t share. I am sure after all this ventilation we ladies with problems can kinda see that this unmatched libidos is a common problem, and I am sure many of us have tried the solution. Has anyone been a winner with this one .
Please share your successes.
Wow, am I the only married woman in the world who wants romance in exchange for sex? My husband already helps around the house. He cooks, I clean. We both share responsibilities for our 2-year-old, and we both do general chores around the house. The thing that *I’M* lacking is spark in the romance department. We’re both exhausted when we get home from work, but somehow he has enough energy to want sex by the end of the day. While my area of need is different than other women’s (apparently), I think we have the same problem. Someone has to start or there’s that never-ending cycle. I guess my thoughts are, don’t take this article literally — if it’s not getting the chores done that makes you feel close, you need to communicate what DOES make you feel close, and the same goes with him. It’s a give-and-take relationship. My husband and I have been married for 10 years now (wow has it been that long??), and we have a lot of ups and downs. Our fights tend to come to one thing. His needs and my needs. It takes some compromise on both ends, and it could even take a few sessions with a marriage counselor to get it all out and get new ideas. And just because you’re going to a marriage counselor, it doesn’t mean that you’re on the brink of divorce. We’ve been seeing one for a couple of years now, and it’s the best thing we could have done. We’ve gotten new ideas and new insight to our own actions from a 3rd party, when we don’t listen (or believe) each other.
Anyway. Just my 2 cents.
Dk’s response is excellent and I could not agree more. Sex will always be a debated issue between men and women. We all have different views, needs and situations. It takes a lot of work between spouses. I have been married thirty years and we still work at making our marriage work.
After reading the article and some of these responses, I have to wonder why is it so hard to understand that contrary to what society may teach us, men are human also with needs, wants and desires just like women do. It is true that men do not think the same way that women do. But I can say that after a man has worked all day long, the last thing he wants to come home to is a nagging, whining wife. It is odd that as women we expect men to cater to our every whim and desire, but what about our husbands? I have been married 27 years. I got married at seventeen, and I went through the withholding sex from my husband to make him do what I wanted him to do or because I was angry with him. It took some growing up to realize that not only was he miserable, I was miserable as well. I began thinking why should we be miserable when we can both be happy about the sex. So instead of using sex as a tool, I began to talk to him about what bothered me or how I felt. Our marriage has weathered 27 years and I have to say that when I treat my husband like my best friend, and lover rather than my child, our relationship flourishes. Marraige takes a lot of work. And I understand that women work, come home cook, clean and our husbands expect us to make love. Our husbands work also, and they have a great responsiblity in being he head of household. Lots of times they don’t tell us of problems and troubles that they shoulder, but hold them in to keep us from worrying also. But guess what ladies, THAT is a part of our responsiblilty when we say I do. Sex is what bonds a couple together. And if we are nagging, nasty, always putting our husbands down, we can’t expect for him to want to make love to us. Sex takes two, a man and his wife. It takes love, and passion, and don’t forget compassion. Instead of making men out to seem cold and unfeeling, let’s try to understand them.
Sheesh…reading all of this just made my head spin…and want to go kiss my husband. The article was interesting, although I really didn’t get the housework connection at all. I guess I just want to thank the Lord that after 24 years and a whole lot of hard work, respect, communication, etc., we are still together and hot for each other. We have some aspect of sexual relationship everyday (and when I’m lucky several times a day!)…but much of that, I believe, is that we both allow each other to give and take without some expected standard to reach each and every time. There are so many pressures from this world, and sex is such a great way to relieve all that stress! Now regarding drives…in general guys have the higher drive when then are young and women really rev up in their ~40s…this used to trouble me that we weren’t matched and I used to comment it was God’s cruel joke or a result of the Fall. But my husband pointed out that by men wanting it more when they are young, it brought us together to make a family…and later when the wife wants it more, it gets the guy going and keeps the family bond together! So, overall, the gist of the article was good because it was really just saying “keep reaching out to each other” and, I might add, “stop keeping score!”
Ladies, when you “just give in” don’t forget to take your pleasure from it…and don’t take any guilt from taking longer either!
P.S. Whoever said that women generally don’t like giving oral is…wrong! If there’s a problem with the taste, just ask your husband to reduce his salt intake…makes a world of difference. Come on, everyone, if you have a complaint, stop whining and start looking for a solution…there’s an internet full of answers for ya.
I’m frustrated that these articles ALWAYS highlight the male’s sexual needs, tossing women into the ‘if-he-doesn’t-help-around-the-house, I-can’t be intimate-with-him’. Baloney! What about the women who’s drives surpass their husband’s? I’d like to see that focus addressed. I’m also tired of being a Christian woman with a strong sexual desire and feeling ‘much less than a woman’, because I don’t fit the general standard thrown out to follow. Would someone please address these ideas, hopefully, in a positive way?
I have found that the only thing that hinders sex in my relationship if if there’s something wrong (sometimes though, she is actually too tired for sex). I learmed early in my marriage that if I cater to her emotional need in the moment then sex is easy. My wife is usually not angry about the dishes, laundry or kids…she just needs me to listen to her. She usually wants to discuss what happened during the day. She wants to share her frustration, something unusual or exciting…but she wants to SHARE something. I start preparing for sex early and patiently build up to the moment. It works 99% of the time.
I read some of the responses and its amazing how many responses there were regarding housework. It seems as though it may be a legitimate problem. Women are tired and exhausted (working full time, kids and housework) and are simply “worn out.” After several years with my other half I realized MANY things. He will NEVER, ever help around the house as much as I wish…not because he’s lazy but, because that’s just how he was raised.
In order to find balance with my energy and his needs I have found there are MANY compromises. As far as dishes we use paper plates and plastic utensils. I use separated hampers for clean clothes (one for his pants, one for shirts and the other for underwear) if he doesn’t care if they are hung up there why should I?? (Seriously) I also chose NOT to have children. I decided this a long time ago when I saw the “trail” of his work clothes leading from the door to the television. There are many alternatives and in the long run it helps…trust me. This way we BOTH get sex and are both very contented
I have sat and read through these posts with keen interest. Everyone makes valid points and it is not only the fault of the man or the woman. Communication is a key factor in any relationship but sometimes the other partner is just not listening.
After a while we just stop talking and stop having sex. If you do not feel connected to someone it can be hard to have sex with them. Men and woman are very complex. How about an article that would address these issues from both sides.
I try to most of the time to do what he would like. But then every once in a while when I want to do it my way, I get the third degree. I think it comes down to give and take. If a couple trys to take turns giving and taking then each one gets something. It would be nice if awareness of giving was increased. It is an ongoing process.
Just a thought to those women who have a higher sex drive than their husbands – there are more of us out there than you’d think! There was a book written (finally!) about very unequal sex drives (a “desire gap”) with the woman having the higher drive!! The author does have some good suggestions, so you may want to start there. There was even an episode on 20/20 about the desire gap a few years ago. It’s REAL – so don’t give up, get help!
I have been married 2 times. My first marriage was all about he never did anything and I was too tired. I remember one time during sex saying out loud that I forgot to pay the gas bill. He never cherished me, he never cared if I had an orgasm, he just took what he wanted and pleased himself.
My second marriage has been the total opposite. I had 4 kids when he married me and he knew that if he ever wanted to see me or spend time with me he had to help. He would work 10 hours and come home to me a stay at home mom and ask, what do I need to do. We added 2 more kids to a total of 6 and it was never ending housework, but he has always, always helped out and I never asked him to, it was automatic. My husband is a pleaser, he loves to make me feel like a queen and I am very lucky. He calls me beautiful everyday and I am overweight and don’t think I am. He tells me he loves me everyday. We kiss before he leaves for work and we always say we love each other on the phone, even if we have talked 20 times that day.
I think that housework shouldn’t be considered with making love, but I understand those that do, because I did in my first marriage.
I have been married 10 years in a few months and making love is still wonderful, I desire him and he desires me. Oral sex is performed whenever one of is in the mood. I love it and so does he. It just pleasures me so much to know that when I give him oral, that I have given him so much pleasure. God gave married couples sex as an extension of a couples love to each other. When 2 people love each other, they should want to please each other. Communication is the key also. There are some days I am in the mood to get a quickie and there are times that I want to be made love to passionately.
I enjoyed Marks comments. Thanks for your male point of view.
I hope that every person here making comments finds the sex life they are looking for in their spouse, it’s so sad to not have an enjoyable sex life. Wonderful sex is the icing on the cake. God Bless
When did sex become about who does what around the house? This is not love. If you feel like you are a whore because you “Give in”, then you are using sex as a tool to get what you want. You are not a whore if you have sex with your spouse because you love each other. I guess you should feel like a whore if you are using sex to get something because that is what prostitutes do. If you are holding things against each other such as he did not cut the grass or she did not cook dinner as a reason to prevent this type of relationship then you are hurting your marriage and each other.
I wish that my wife realized what sex really means to me. Sure sometimes it can be just sheer physical pleasure, but most of the time I enjoy being connected to my wife in the way that only sex can provide. I feel so close to my wife when we are intimate. I feel so lost when my wife rejects me for the reasons that so many of the responses reflect. The more this is used as a tool, the harder it is for me to want to share myself with her. The more she treats sex as a consequence of marriage rather than a an event of our love, the more she drives us apart. I know that I have my faults and that sex can be seen as a job my wife, but it gets harder to enjoy being together when something that used to bring us so close together now is seen as too much work or not important.
I actually turned my wife down the other day after over a month of no intimacy because she acted like this was a job task. I need my wife to want to be with me as much as I need to be with her. I guess that this will never get better as I can see my wife’s attitude about sex in so many of the women’s responses. Just remember that if you are going to treat it as something other than love, it will become something other than love.
My husband, as with a great deal of men, have been taught or told to not show emotion to women. It is really a pity…for if more of them did, they would find their lives better fullfilled and their spouses more receptive in all aspects of their lives. I don’t know if sex to my husband is important, but it is to me, for intimacy, is the final bonding, of each ones love for each other. Even tho we have become “civilized’”& “educated”, men “perceive” emotion as a sign of weakness. when it is a sign of humanities inner strength.
I have already responded once, but after reading many more responses, I was compelled to resond again. Sean, I think you have touched on something that a lot of women don’t understand. Dr. Laura wrote a book called “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”. I think there are a lot of wives out there who should read that book with an open mind and maybe they will see the male point of view a little clearer. A marriage should be a place where both partners can feel safe and connected. For a lot of men, the ultimate way to experience that is through intimate contact. Maybe there are some men out there that think sex is the duty of the wife, but I would bet most men really want to please their wives and have them enjoy it.
If you can’t communicate with your spouse well enough to let them know your desires, maybe real counseling by a trained professional would help. Sean, you verbalized your concerns well to the forum, but have you told your wife that? Maybe you should before you find your marriage in real trouble.
It seems so many have overlooked the reason for the housework/sex link. It isn’t that the woman wants the housework done to feel “turned on,” or that they are directly proportionate to either.
Women usually work full time, in and out of the home. They get up early to get everyone else off to work/school. After getting their kids to school and daycare, then they work all day; often in a field caring for others. Then they pick up kids from daycare, if there are no appointments or sporting events, they go home to tons more work: hoemwork, dinner, laundry, baths and bedtimes, etc. that doesn’t even count her own stuff like exercise and personal time and “recreation.”
I don’t know about everyone else, but my husband comes home from work and he’s “done” working. He eats dinner, watches shows, plays video games and does other things that he likes. Most women come home and work until they lifelessly fall into bed and worry about how they are going to get everything done again tomorrow. Yes, he takes care of the yard and lawn. Yes, he does the repairs. Repairs and lawncare are NOT daily maintenance. Doing dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning bathrooms, washing the clohtes, running errands, dr.appts., school events, sporting contests, etc. these are usually daily or every other day. Hubby gets to do his take care of the house-work on the weekends…when the wifey-poo is still doing dinner, dishes, kid care, etc. Mom’s don’t get time off, Dad’s just expect time off every day when they are done with work.
Now, tell me when is she supposed to feel like having sex? When is she supposed to feel sexy? Sweating over a sink full of dishes or piles of dirty clothes does not feel very sexy. The bathroom with cruddy counters and toothpaste splashed mirrors don’t make one feel very sexy, either. If hubby wants wifey-poo to feel sexy, he had better say things and do things to make her feel sexy. He would also be a smart Hubby to help make sure that all the daily chores are done at a reasonable hour that allows for time to have sex.
Wifey-poo is definitely responsible for her sex life, just as much as hubby, however, hubby needs to be responsible for lots of other things 50/50, too. A worn out, exhausted, frustrated and over worked wifey-poo does not make a happy bed partner.
This isn’t every woman, but many. The numbers I’ve seen say that 90% of married women are still responsible for 90% of the housework. Most married women are still working full time outside of the home. Its a raw deal, and then the hubby will complain that wifey-poo isn’t interested. Gee, I wonder why?
Responding to CO, I agree that any man who truly loves their wife and their marriage wants their wife to be as passionate and enjoying of the intimacy we have. It hurts me knowing my wife does not see this intimacy in the same way I do and does not think that this bonds us. I think that this is a truly wonderful thing that two people can do when they love each other, but my wife does not believe that this is how I think of it. It seems like she thinks off it as a means of physical pleasure only.
I do need to be more communicative with my wife about this but in the past any conversation about this has pretty much stopped before it has even started. I am afraid to try and bring it back up for fear of continued rejection. This kills me emotionally and does not do well for my self-esteem.
I know that many men treat sex as a casual concern, but I hope that not all women think that this is how all men are. Be open to talking about these concerns with your husbands. I am truly trying to connect with my wife the way she wants me to, but I also need her to do the same for me. If i wanted just sex I could find that anywhere. I want the emotional as well as physical bond of making love with my wife.
I have been married for 37 years for all of it my husband has not been interested in our sex life or any romance in our relationship. He is a nice man and would make a great friend but it has been very difficult for me. I have been very depressed, gained and lost weight a number of times and just am tired of the whole thing. I am a Christian that is the main reason that I have remained in this marriage and I do not want to hurt my kids even though they are grown. As I said their father is a very nice man and they love him. They do not know that I feel the way I do but he does. He listens to me but he does not hear me. We have talked about it many times and nothing changes. I would mastrubate if I thought it was not something that the Lord disapproves of. We have not had intercourse for about 15 years I am very sad about that.
I have read a lot of responses. I find our issues are not about the housework directly. Where our issues are this. This is the second marriage for both of us. He has 3 children and I have 3 children. My children accepted him. His daughters did not accept me and therefore setout to undermine our relationship. Something I tried to prevent and something he did not. He never could see his way to stand with me in front of them and show them he loved and respected me. Instead he let them disrespect not only me, but himself, and draw a wall between us. I am someone who needs to be able to trust and to know that I am loved. Otherwise I can’t relax enough. IF I feel I can trust him and I feel he loves me, then I would have more interest. But it’s hard to be interested in sex when your husband only seems to care about you when he wants something from you. Am I making any sense? If I felt he loved me instead of him (acting like it) then it make so much difference. He will help around the house if I ask him too. He just won’t “connect” with me except on a physical level and that’s just not enough. I feel cheap and used when it’s like that.
Sorry… I made a typo….If I felt he loved me instead of him (acting like it) then it make so much difference. SHOULD READ If I felt he loved me instead of acting like he doesn’t (around his kids he gives in to them whatever they want even if it means hurting me badly, but then expects me to believe him when he says he loves me?). That’s what I meant. It would make a lot of difference…..
OK! A lot of bashing has happened since I was on last, plus a lot of good suggestions and advice. Since my last entry, I have learned what some others have already stated.
Communication is the key!
I would like to know if anyone can tell me why a man would withhold sex from his wife?
Especially when he is the one that craves it most and has the “problems”.
Any suggestions for the wife to get him to overcome this?
DK your response was wonderful.
I loved my husband and was faithful to him for 33 years. Through his depression, anger with jobs, limited resources, envy of others and things they had that we couldn’t afford, etc. But I loved him. He was a wonderful father–spent time with the kids, and worked hard to manage finances and keep cars running, the house from falling down and the yard mowed. I spent a lot of time with the kids doing homework, did the cooking and many other household chores. We each had things to do. I always worked full time and gave a lot in my job. I used to feel guilty because I loved my job and he hated all of his. Still, I loved him and thought it was my place to do what I could to help him. He always worried about money and I worked to help out. There were times early on where our sex life was awesome, and there were periods where I was exhausted and not interested in it. He was a person who had to be asleep by 10:30 or he would have a worse day than the previous one–and most of that time my work around the house and with the kids wasn’t over before midnight or later. I’d crawl into bed, or be up and down with the kids, and still have to be up early the next day and get people fed, lunches ready, kids delivered and then go to work and function so I could come home, and go through the routine again. I can’t remember a meal I fixed, and served him, hoping it would be good and satisfying for him–knowing it was plenty for anyone. I’d ask, “Did you get enough to eat?” and he’d say That will hold me for a while.” (And I’d think–do you mean I’m going to need to do this again after while?) When we did have sex the most important part for me was feeling CONNECTED to him. After 30 years, he started having prostate problems, and it became more difficult for him to get and maintain an erection, and it took a VERY long time for him to reach orgasm. I almost always performed oral sex–often for nearly an hour trying to please him, sensing his frustration with his lack of sensation. It made me feel like a failure if he didn’t “enjoy” the experience enough to reach a climax. I gave full body massages to help him relax, and I loved touching his body and knowing it felt good to him and would often help him become aroused. Sometimes it was exhausting for me, but I didn’t want to let him down–and I really wanted him to know I loved him. Over time, I developed some stress-related health problems which made it difficult for me to do all I needed to do, and I developed my own depression. Sometimes, I would fall asleep–dropping wherever I happened to be working at the time. I can remember occasions where he would come and FIND me to have sex. I remember once, after foot surgery, crawling down the stairs since I couldn’t walk, to get to bed to have sex with him knowing he was feeling neglected. I managed to get through a year of 20-hour days tending to our daughter, in and out of the hospital, when she had leukemia and trying to manage balancing my other responsibilities. In 2004, my husband drove me to a nearby shopping center parking lot, stopped the car and said, “I fell in love.” Only it was with another man’s wife.
They had been having sex–sometimes in my own bed–for a YEAR. It blew my world apart. I had trusted him completely. All the times he went in to work extra on the weekends, all the extra jobs and times he was ‘helping some friends’, all the weekends he would go out to find a lake where he could go fishing or just get away to relax from the job that he hated so much. She was 17 years younger than me, much thinner, and he felt he needed to rescue her from her unhappy life, drinking and drug abuse, a miserable husband and drugged out son, and her own multiple affairs with other men. Also, he was so angry and unhappy with his jobs and feeling like he was overworked that he wanted to die (he had regularly threatened suicide and been hospitalized for depression many times.) So he decided ’screw the world, I don’t care anymore” and decided this other woman was who he “loved”. He sacrificed me, our marriage, the kids, and everything to leave his life and get her out of hers. I tried for 7 months to pull our marriage out of the ditch. I forgave him, tried to be PERFECT, hard-working around the house, on remodeling projects with him–on call sex, cookies and milk in bed when he was hungry, watching porn movies to help him get aroused, hours of oral sex to please him, eventually even begging, to try to get him to leave her alone and save our marriage. He SAID he wanted to re-commit to our marriage. He said he wished he could have us BOTH. He said they would not see each other again. He went away to be alone one weekend–to think, be away from work, phones and everyone. (But I found out later he picked her up and they went away together.) He communicated with me by Text message, that he was thinking about a trial separation. He came back only because I said that was not an option without a face-to-face discussion. 3 days later we ate dinner, he said he was going to a bookstore for some meditation books and to think…and was gone for 4 days…with her. After I closed the bank accounts out of desperation, he mysteriously returned and told her in front of me they “probably” wouldn’t see each other again. Twenty days later he went to work, picked up his paycheck, and sent me a text message saying, “I need some friendly time apart. I will look for an apartment this weekend.” They had already found and signed a 6 month lease on an apartment, and she had left her husband so she could live with MINE. The day he disappeared was exactly 36 years from the day we met. They went to church together and were accepted as a nice “couple” who were always there together. He lived with her 4 months before her divorce, 4 more months before ours. One week before our divorce he tried to get me to drop my plans to buy a new house for me and my daughter, and “work on the marriage” while he lived elsewhere, I stayed in our home of 28 years, and he came over to do work on it and “try to get our marriage back on track”. But when he asked me to do that he went back that night and slept with her in the house he had bought for HER. Then 3 days later he left a Phone Message pleading for me to “let him go.” So I did.
Eleven months later he wanted to get away from her, had no place to go, and I let him live in my new house, so he and our daughter could try to re-connect. He wasn’t coming back for me–just wanted to be friends again. God help me, I still love him, even though it would have eventually killed me to deal with that pain again. After 3 months, and after he continued to see and talk with her, I asked him to leave and moved his things out of the house. Within a month, he moved into that house with her again, declared bankruptcy, and they got married. He’s broke, jobless and I guess he’s got who he wanted–but he’s still unhappy.
Now, for all you women who are complaining–be thankful you have a husband that is at least THERE. It could be worse. Sex isn’t an issue anymore. I’ve been assigned to celibacy at age 58.
I found the responses interesting. I have been married 21 years, and the marriage is now ending. It is not ending because of sex, or lack thereof. It is ending because our history together has been unfriendly at times, and actions I have taken to protect myself were perceived by my husband as an overreaction. He may be right. But it is over. I will tell you our sex life was very, very good when we were both open to it. We had a lot of creativity and shared our bodies in a wonderful, intimate way. I miss that. I guess some of the people who have been able to find new relationships give me some hope that I may once again be part of a couple.
I do seem myself in some of the women who wrote. I too believed I was the only one doing the housework, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I too had resentments. But I NEVER tried to be in his shoes to see how he saw the world. That, I believe, is key to a healthy relationship. We can all get on a “pity pot” and act the martyr. Or we can choose to be grateful that we have healthy kids, money to buy food, a place to live. We can choose to be grateful or we can choose to be angry and one-dimenshional in our thinking.
What does that have to do with sex? Nothing and everything. It seems we humans need a closs connection, with good communication, before really good sex can happen. The hostile women who see their plight as one of misery will choose actions that will hurt their relationship. A little kindness goes a long way. The Golden Rule may be necessary, here, too. Treat your spouse the way you wish to be treated.
I have seen all of this too late. Or maybe, the marriage was doomed anyway and I am only now wiser for the wear.
Try to see the glass half full and not half empty. Count your blessings. Open your heart. I see so many of the responses as one more step on the paty to divorce court. Do you want to know what real pain is? Losing your family because you were too pig-headed to believe that you were part of the problem.
My hus is the only one in the world who is so romantic that it’s candlelight dinner for two everytime he has the urge and I know it by his mannerisms in the morning by his joyful singing in the shower when he is up and about; then the first hint comes with his preparation of breakfast in bed even though it is only half boiled eggs and toast and a cup of coffee or milk and he is quite cute to include a folded napkin and a stalk of rose or whatever flower he can get from our garden, to put me in the mood he is in, so after having breakfast in bed we usually make it until the household maids begin their routine which normally wakes us up from our slumber after our heavenly experience in the company of each other and knowing that we have satisfied each other’s desires for the day.
This is to reponse to HLP…now….above here. I think he withholds.cause he is quietly angy over an issue ;and not talkign about iT ;that would be a major guess. Or secondly, he may have a problem with his working abiility or mechanics so.he ,,,,,,says one thing but does another? yes? ;just a suggestion.
ON other repsonses here and the story at hand,,,,,,,Life is too short! ;two couples involved,,,,,cant compare with others; for each is different. It can get frustrating at times…I am sure! Remeber to receive is great…..but to give is Divine! smiles! I know most gals would say to that one,,,,,,Ohplease , I give too much all the time! I am sure,,,,,that is true for many;but,,,,,,,,just put it out there,,,,in writing….maybe love letter or card to epress your feelings or desires more. Remember,,,,,most attract opposites of themselves….and that is good….and not so good. Remember the LOVE that brought you two together always…..first !!
DK …. not all men are the breadwinners. I make $100 an hour and my husband makes $17, and we both work full time. Somehow, though, it is still me that takes time off for family crises, and me that does 80% of the housework. Which is all fine, I have no complaints. I’m even OK with him spending too much of our money on golf, when there are bills that should be paid first.
I value his work very much. In and out of the home.
Regarding sex, it is simple with us. We have a great sex life.
My husband does not initiate sex. Ever. He does not decide when, where, or how we have sex. EVER. Never, from day one. We have sex when and how *I* feel like it, which might be giving him an orgasm, or him giving me one, or getting one for us both, or sex without an orgasm goal. It might be very romantic, or a quickie, oral, manual, intercourse, or otherwise. It’s all up to me! I tell him what I want him to do, or I just start doing what I want.
Now of course, I take into account how he is feeling, and would not “force” sex on him if he was feeling ill or extremely tired. I also take into account his fantasies and desires, which he tells me. Sometimes I tell him what mine are, and sometimes I surprise him. He loves my imagination. As for him, he knows that if he is a bit physically affectionate I am more likely to initiate sex. But that isn’t necessary or a formula.
He is VERY receptive to this set up, and can relax about the whole thing. No doubts, no worries about performance, no pressure on either of us. The freedom for me is very liberating and I am more adventurous — I initiate much more than I did in previous relationships where I resented being nagged or feeling I gave sex as a duty. I enjoy sex more too, because I only do what I feel like doing at any given time. The freedom for him is in knowing he always pleases me. Most of the time he just sits back and enjoys having his body used as my “toy”! Guys, what could be better?
We have sex about 2-3 times per week. Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. We are in our late 30s/early 40s and have a full family life. This has worked for many years.
Married for almost 16 years and 4 children later, it’s still a challenge to even find the time to be intimate. Three teens and an 8 year old keep us on the run. When we do have time together (we’re lucky if it’s once a month), it’s always “Is the 14 year old asleep?” The tried and true works for us and since it is so infrequent, it’s wonderful each and every time…
For Citygal: Thanks! I think you hit the nail on the head with both suggestions. Any suggestions on how to help him get “over it”?
I still think communication is going to be key in this process, but being open to conversing and know when to converse is another thing!
Wow. so much talk about so much physical action! Sex isn’t a tool to use in barter, to do so cheapens a relationship. God created sex for more than the act of reproduction itself, but for the emotional pleasure it brings to each partner and to Him.
My Husband have a very healthy sex life, several times a week. But when one is under the weather, it naturally lags a bit -its called mutual respect for each other- and yes-sometimes its disappointing, especially when the other is geared up for some attention. But, we both notice the difference when we haven’t spent the undivided time together and will get back on track. I’d still love and appreciate him even if sex wasn’t an option, because sex is truely the icing – not the cake – even though the icing sometimes gets devoured first, its natural and spontaneous and exciting!
Even when we argue and disagree, sex isn’t ever a ‘give in’ point. It’s beautiful and awesome and he gives every bit of himself to me as I do him. People-remember to take the boxing gloves off during sex and stop keeping score – that will help each others guard remain down long enough to bask in the closeness it is intended to bring to the relationship.
For all these embittered persons over their lack of closeness or inattentiveness of their spouse, “seek first to understand, then be understood” I don’t know who said it, but live it and start communicating not just to talk and vent, but to understand the other side.
I don’t see how so many say that sex and housework shouldn’t be in the same category.
1) They’re both chores.
2) One person usually does more than the other.
3) The other person never feels that it’s enough.
4) They both feel resentment if they feel they’re being taken advantage of.
5) They find someone else to fulfill that role.
Too simplistic?
Oh Poor Kat! I love to give and love to recieve and am pretty darn good at giving. It gives me much pleasure to have her have multiple orgasms. It’s like I’ve really accomplished something fantastic! She’s exhausted from two three four orgasms, first with my finger, then with my tongue and then I enter her and we both orgasm together. It’s fantastic! She doesn’t like to go down on me though, can’t stand it if I even suggest it to her. she says she’ll do it when the thought occurs to her but not if I ask, or even suggest. So, I don’t ask and the thought never seems to occur to her. it sucks, (no pun intended). And I find that the bedroom dynamics are carried into the rest of our relationship. I clean house, I do laundry, I cook, I bathe kids, I work full time. she doesn’t work, is on the computer most of the day, and helps a little with housework, but does play with the kids, reads to them. tells stories at bedtime, hmmmm, I feel like the typical housewife says she feels. Also, I don’t want sex if I don’t feel cared about, validated. If she’s a witch all day, (no offense to any wickens) then comes up all cuddley, I’m sorry, I need a connection first. a reconciliation of sorts before we do, well, you know…I just can’t relate when people say, “a man is always ready”, cuz I’m not that way. Any other guys with me on that one? If she tries long enough, of course she can eventually get me in the mood but I’m not ‘always ready’.
Quickly, ladies maybe you should check with a doctor just to make sure that physically you are in the best shape to have sex or medication is not killing your sex drive. I found that oral birth control pills killed our sex life and gave me horrible mood swings. I even tried the low estrogen ones and tried different pills for 10 years. After finally dropping the pill my sex drive shot through the roof and I am much stabler emotionally. Something you should talk about with your husband before just dropping the pill (maybe he isn’t ready for kids) but I can tell you that it helped me..alot!
hey everyone, just joining in for the first time. It is very interesting what everyone has to say. I just want to encourage us ladies about a couple of things. First there is a lot of discussion about both giving and receiving oral sex…i think that it is a mutually enjoyable thing…and regarding the one person asking her husband to wash up….i think it’s very realistic…it is such a simple request…isn’t that what love’s about…trying to accomodate each other when it is in our power to do so…it means enjoyment for him and you. none of us are perfect, but i believe we can make ourselves as attractive as possible – use what you’ve got…esp with good hygiene. Second, i enjoy giving my husband oral sex, and love receiving the same from him – but i know one small truth…at the end of the day he will have an orgasm 100% of the time with sex alone, so i don’t feel a ton of pressure to make it happen in my mouth…his pleasure is guaranteed (so don’t feel guilty at all when he’s down there pleasing you)…with women, we in general don’t orgasm through sex alone…a few do, but any medical or marriage literature that i’ve read is pretty realistic about us women taking awhile to warm up…like a pressure cooker or slow boil, with men it’s like a rocket! i think that this is a blessing from God for both people because it causes us to take a little more time out for each other to be intimate and not so fast food about it – even though a fast food run is better than nothing when both are tired or just for variety sake.
Out of all due respect. I can see how some of these women could think the way they do, However, I must say that in my life time, I’ve come to realize that it is all in our attitude. As long as we keep the negative attitudes and do things with expectations and resentment, we will always be disappointed and the marriage will not grow but become ransid.
Though I am not perfect, I do try to consider my husbands feelings and he mine. Marriage is like work, and it is something that should be looked at as blessing, not a curse. God created our bodies to be enjoyed by each other as a couple. It is a way to create oneness and reconnect as a couple.
Just like taking care of our home and family is important to us as women, Sex is like a part of who they are as men as well as their job. If they sense you’re doing this with a negative attitude, it isn’t going to help them or your marriage either.
Wow… I think sex is a powerful tool at creating a closeness and connection.. I found that when my husband and I were at odds and had a barrier between us, sex connected us again. I never bought in to using sex as a power trip to get what I wanted outside the bedroom… Believe me, a wife who is spontaneous, fun, open, sexual and sensual, full of surprizes, flirty all day long, makes her man so excited to be with her- not only for sex, but because she makes him feel desired (they need that too) and in return he should make her feel desired… and he won’t care if she’s a few pounds overweight.. he won’t even notice… A wife who has alot of confidence at where she wants her intimate times to go with her husband..is sexy!!!!
Well, dears, I’ve been married for 32 years now. Funny thing- when I was younger- I used to “follow my husband around the house” literally!!!! Like a puppy….. to talk to him, wanting his attention! Oh, being sexy and giving signals would get his attention! So, I think I used lots of sex JUST FOR HIS ATTENTION.
Like others posted- it’s either the TV or stopping at the bar to chat with the other barfly buds before coming home. He’s even TURNED UP THE TV while I was trying to talk to him! honestly!!!
Well, as I grew older and the kids all began to move out- I got my freedom back and was far more active out in society. I’m no women’s libber but I do believe in any person having a life of their own, in hobbies, friends, volunteerism etc.
I began to NOT be like a little dog at hubby’s heels anymore. If HE wanted sex- well, HE had to initiate something. HA. And NOT after 10:30 when I’ve been IN BED already falling asleep while HE was in front of the BoobTube.
Well, you can imagine our sex life fell apart. And he, by golly, was bewildered cause he couldn’t figure it out, but he noticed I wasn’t “the same”……….. I don’t NEED his attention. Sure I LIKE it, but he’s not the be-all end all of my existance!
I tell ya, I began to tell him- you know, I’d trade all the actual intercourse for hours of massages!!!!!!!! hint hint…. you think he’d TAKE THE HINT????? hahahaha He’s slowly getting it- that hey, maybe I DESERVE a massage sometimes that doesn’t lead to sex!
Some men are just morons I guess. Mine is a semi-moron and very stubborn. But I’m training him! It just takes a LOT of patience and love, gals, but it can be done!
Ladies, NEVER LOOK TO YOUR HUSBAND to “fulfill” you in all aspects! You MUST be active in your own thing, always. But you must be open when he DOES make an effort and encourage any of it!!!!!!!