The Player’s Guide to Romancing Your Wife
player: A person who simultaneously pursues a number of different social and sexual partners.
We have all known some players: guys who have the walk and the talk that makes women swoon. They are the men with the golden touch, with all the right moves. They have the ability to stroll into a room and instantly connect with any woman. There are thousands of regular guys who have player skills, but celebrities like Frank Sinatra, Cary Grant, Errol Flynn, and James Caan set the old-school standard for being a true “ladies’ man.”
Even more interesting is that while everyone knows the player’s game, especially savvy women, somehow it still works! While they may not admit it, most women are, at least initially, drawn to players.
Maybe you used to be that smooth lothario. Maybe marrying the woman of your dreams put these skills into hibernation. As a married man, you may think that the ways of a player have little relevance to your life. But we suggest that you reconsider. After all, you have the same needs and desires as every man on the planet. And we know that, impossible as it seems, marrying a woman may not make it easier to have sex with her. In fact, marriage often can make it much, much harder.
So, how do they do it? How do players charm women? And how can their methods help your sex life?
First, let’s start with a caveat. We’d never suggest that you become a totally artificial person. There will be times with your wife when you want to complain, cry, be silent, rest, be silly, share a deep spiritual conversation, and be a comforting husband. Those are appropriate behaviors, and signify a real relationship that can carry two people through a lifetime together. But today’s lesson isn’t about all thatÖit’s about sex and romance and getting more of both into your marriage. It’s about how to feel satisfied and how to satisfy her.
1. Always Make Eye Contact and Smile
The fundamental player question is this: What reason do you have not to smile and look into the eyes of a person you find attractive?
Smile when you’re talking. Smile when you’re observing. Smile when you’re listening. Smiling is the most powerful weapon in a player’s arsenal. Look into her eyes and let her know by your smile — I’m a fun guy in a great mood.
Players manage to convince people that they are happy, successful people. They exude a joie de vivre that is extremely attractive to others. You may not always feel on top of the world, but the best way to set the mood for romance is to embody a positive personae.
2. Don’t Worry About What to Say. Just Listen!
Many single guys won’t approach women because they worry about what to say. But focusing on what you have to say misses the point. The key to success is listening. She’ll give you the topics to discuss while you are listening intently to whatever she wants to talk about. The simplest lead-in, “So, how was your day today?” will yield three or four items you can comment on and show interest in. The key here is, don’t say too much. Listen, nod, focus, commentÖand let her talk.
3. Become a Master of Flattery
Always be on the lookout for unique ways to compliment her. It is vital that she associates your face and voice with feeling good about herself. As with most things in life, you get out what you put in. So, simply walking up and saying, “Your hair looks nice,” which is only a C+ compliment, is going to get a C+ result. You want to look for the compliment that she’s never heard, the angle of praise that she secretly longs to hear.
Of course, players need to chat with a woman for a few minutes to come to a proper conclusion. This may mean pointing out to an extremely beautiful woman that she’s smart or funny. You have the advantage of knowing your wife better than anyone in the world. You know those hidden talents she has and can drop a compliment on her at random times with ultimate effectiveness.
4. Get Your Appearance Together
Players live by the rule that “neatness counts.” They know that a woman’s sense of smell is generally more sensitive than a man’s. They know that women notice things like shoes. They know that neatly pressed, “together” men are perceived to have more money, power, and “alpha status.”
Now, your wife obviously knows exactly what you earn. But many of the things listed above impact her attraction to you subconsciously. They are not independent of your daily actions, but taken together, women value them greatly. You would be amazed at how many letters eHarmony gets from women wondering why men won’t do a little basic grooming.
So, what do you need to do? Get a haircut? Buy a new shirt? Go for a shoe shine? Get a good shave? Choose a nice cologne? (Use it sparingly please, and don’t skimp. The cheap stuff is worse than nothing at all!) It is nearly impossible for us to know ourselves, but you probably already know what needs a new coat of paint.
And if your wife has ever said to you, “You look great in that,” then whatever it is, buy five — and wear one whenever you can.
5. Practice Kino
In player lingo, “kino” is affection touching that piles up like poker chips to be cashed in later. It is the key to keep from ending up in the “friend zone.” In your case, it’s the best way to keep from ending up in the “no-sex zone.”
If done correctly, kino can be the most important part of creating sexual energy in your marriage. Here are the A-B-Cs of kino:
A) Kino is light touching on the cheek, back, leg, arm, hair, shoulders, fingers, neck, ears, etc.
B) Don’t ever wait for her to initiate kino. Take charge and make your touches part of your natural conversation. It’s also important to start with almost imperceptible contact. Light brushes against the hand or arm are perfect.
C) Always keep the kino nonsexual until she begins to reciprocate. The best sexual kino to start with is planting light kisses on the neck or lips.
And if kino seems strange to you at first, keep at it. Some men have been conditioned over the years either to rapidly initiate sex with their wives or to maintain a two-foot no-touching zone around themselves. These guys are not used to the middle ground of kino. But hang in there, and we’re confident that you’ll find just the right touch.
In this first installment we’ve covered some basics that players use to romance their way to success. Over the coming weeks, we’ll be bringing you a wide variety of tips and hints to make sure that the sexual relationship in your marriage stays strong and satisfying.
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21 Responses to “The Player’s Guide to Romancing Your Wife”
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Thanks, this is very helpful!
This was very helpful, thought provoking and detailed in ways that were new to me.
Thanks – I was conceding earlier tonight how un-romantic I was to my wife. I tried 3 of the 5, on the sly of course – and BINGO! It just a little effort AND some know how too.
WOW! finally, a little help for the married guy. Single guys get all the help. This article is excellent. simple strait foreward and isn’t filled with all the fake junk sugestions on how to be a counterfiet $100 dollar bill.
Just strait forward simple atraction basics. I’ll be back to elt you knwo how it goes
Ask them how their day was. listen twice as much as you speak, remember two ears one mouth. the brushing up against them/light touches and eye contact especially when you are doing the “how was your day?” works wonders…our sex life is five fold since I started this approach…take it to the bank and then take it down home so to speak
Great content,know some of it already, but its i the doing isn’t it?! I’ll pass it on
great reminders about why we married her in the first place!
I tried and crashed in flames. But I will persist and keep the effort going. My relationship with my wife is worth it to me, and hopefully to her as well.
Great reminders that we forget when we get married! Thanks for good info today that will make for a better night tonight!
Thank you for the helpful reminder on why my Lady is and still needs to be treated as it was from day one of our first meeting.And refreshing things I have since laid to rest on.
I know, I’m a wife and this article was for the husbands… But just wanted to say that this article is right on. In fact, while reading about “kino” I started feeling good just thinking about those little things he does… It really does work, guys.
Don’t try to fix us, just listen, validate (tell us you understand how we feel and that’s all we need), don’t criticize and most importantly, like it said in the beginning of the article, “Always be on the lookout for unique ways to compliment her. It is vital that she associates your face and voice with feeling good about herself.” THIS IS SO TRUE!! Guys, you can really influence how we feel about ourselves. If you drop just little compliments we love it. The smaller the better. Like, “I love the way your lips look when you smile.” Forget it. We’re like putty.
Thanks for this article eHarmony. I’ll be leaving it the inbox for my man to read. He’s doing a lot of this stuff, but everyone can use a refresher, you know?!
I just got divorce I wish I would have seen this before.
My Wife is now in an affair with a younger man (18 yrs younger) and probably my lack of attention was one of the major reasons she ended up there.
Wish I had seen this 6 mos ago…
Fantastic advice! I will put it to use tomorrow! Thanks for the added confirmation to Jennifer. I don’t know about everyone else, but it seams I forget these little things the further along in our marriage we get!
I think my wife and I both forgot: “After all, you have the same needs and desires as every man on the planet.”
I was very relieved to read: “marrying a woman may not make it easier to have sex with her. In fact, marriage often can make it much, much harder.” So it isn’t just me.
Funny thing is that her and I were just talking about some of this stuff a week ago, after the first sex we’d had in over a month.
This couldn’t have been timed better for us. Perfect advice at the perfect time.
Yes, I’m a woman reading the men’s site. Pretty good advice on the whole. My changes would be…don’t flatter me, it’s insincere and fake and a real turn-off because it feels like manipulation. You either like and appreciate something or you don’t. Be real. Next, kiss me before you greet the kids or others. If I am the special person you married, I should get the perk of your priority of attention. Don’t compare me with other women. Just don’t. Give me at least 5 solid minutes a day of FOCUSED attention, not shared with the tv, or music or other people. If you don’t have time for me except when you’ve exhaused all other avenues of entertainment or business…forget it. I don’t want to be at the bottom of your list. I married you to love you and have you love me…its not over til your best lady sings! And You’re the Guy Who Can Do It!
I belive with this kind of exposure, once relation is seceured, and, if it is practise, sky is the limit to once relationship. Thanks, this is wonderful, and a natural cure for disturbed relationship.
Sam said: “If you don’t have time for me except when you’ve exhaused all other avenues of entertainment or business…forget it.”
Right on, Sam.
Touch is the most important piece I saw here — the “kino” thing. Eye contact, smile, and casual touch. They seem the first thing to go, are so effortless, and make such a huge difference. I touch my guy, look him in the eye, smile, and kiss him lots and lots, every day. When he does these things for me it’s like Christmas — and I find myself saying thank you, much to his confusion. I wish I could make my guy read this about once a month without hurting his feelings. More of this would make me feel so loved and wanted.
GREAT !!
This is terrific and ’super-sensational’. It is nothing to take for a joke and I believe every married man need to have such tutorials to improve their romantic lives. It has really encouraged me to add more to what I’ve already beeen doing.
I agree with Sam and Debbie. My husband and I have been married 26 years and I have been blessed with a man who understands what it means to be a Master of Sincere Compliments and Focused Communication. This goes much further than any flattery will ever do. Husbands, don’t insult your wife’s intelligence with flattery! She is smarter than that. Isn’t that why you married her? It IS important that she associate you with good feelings about herself. Her friends will tear you apart wondering why you feel you have to lie if you resort to flattery.
I also agree with the “kino” or affectionate touching idea. There is no bigger turn off than when the man initiates intimacy and doesn’t wait for the wife to catch the feeling. Likewise, there is no bigger turn on than when he does!
In addition, you might choose to “set the stage” with flowers or candles and nice music…whatever your lady enjoys. The key is make her think she is the only woman in the world, because in your world, she should be!
And guys, do practice personal care. It will be a healthier experience for both of you!
This article gives we women some practical reminders as well.
I remember how often and easily Ismiled when you I was dating my husband. Sniling and being interested in him is called flirting, but it is really more about making a positive connection and the need for this never ends. It worked then and it will continue to work. Who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with a charming person?
Getting Your Appearance Togethe
Here’s a little secret: The effort you spend on personal grooming is interpreted by your wife as how much you really care about turning her on. And the bottom line? How much you really desire her. A woman wants to be desired but she needs to know that you desire her and not just the sex act. You let her know that you desire her by “pleasing” her. And you men ought to get this because you know how visual you are when it comes to being “turned on.” Even though women more often than not, need a little more time to let the desire build up, they are just as visual when it comes to sex. They’re just turned on more by an esquire look and subtleties and innuendos. Listen for those hints. It’s ont rocket science. So why is it that after we get married we stop looking for ways to please? In a marriage we are given a unique opportunity to minister to our spouse in a way that no one else can.
For more helps, I suggest you and your spouse read the book, Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman