Is it time to give up?
Dr. Parrott,
I know marriage takes work, but I’m exhausted. Our relationship used to feel so much easier. I love my husband. We want to make this work. But it’s been a while since either of us has felt truly happy in our marriage. How do you know when you’re just fighting a losing battle?
- Anonymous
Wow. That’s really the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Though I don’t know your marriage’s specific issues, I sense hope in your words. You say you still love your husband despite the tough times and you both have the desire to make it work. That says it all to me. My two cents: this is a battle that’s worth fighting.
Getting Back On Track
All the experts agree: a healthy marriage is something that needs to be cultivated, nurtured, and grown. It takes trial and error, which in turn requires real effort and patience. Love and commitment are necessary, but they are not enough. It takes daily intention coupled with action. Here are the best guidelines to share with your partner for getting back on track.
Focus on communication. Reasearch showst that making communication your focus will give you the biggest gains in marriage improvement. Communication is much more than speaking to each other about the kids or bills. It requires enough self-expression to maintain a real connection and enough active listening to maintain real perspective. Both take considerable practice and will never be completely mastered, since every day is a new one. The next time you want to discuss something important with your spouse, try the “talking stick” exercise. It may sound cheesy but it can be a great way to begin breaking old habits and building new skills together.
1. Choose a good time when both of you can focus exclusively on each other.
2. Holding the talking stick (any small object will do), express your point.
3. Then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so you can be certain that you were at least heard. If your partner can’t repeat what you said or if you do not feel your partner understood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.
4. Once you feel you have been heard, then it becomes your partner’s turn to comment and be heard.
5. When you are the listener, focus. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Empathize. Seek to understand before worrying about being understood.
6. Continue this process until you reach a resolution, passing the “talking stick” and alternately playing the role of transmitter and receiver.
These simple steps can help start the healing by minimizing misunderstandings and serving to keep emotions under control. It is difficult to react emotionally when you are truly listening and must communicate understanding before you get a chance to react.
Move forward with realistic expectations. Couples often go into marriage with idealistic notions about marriage. These ideas are handed down from generation to generation or absorbed from popular culture. Experts have found that these underlying expectations are directly tied to the level of satisfaction we experience in our relationships, as well as to the ultimate success or failure of our relationships. Each one of you needs to clarify your explicit and implicit expectations for your marriage. Take the time to discuss with your partner the expectations that each of you imported into your marriage. Which ones are met? Which ones are not? How reasonable are they? Remember, no mate will ever fulfill every single one of your desires in marriage. Try to be realistic in your expectations moving forward. Do this by maintaining perspective and by keeping the channels of communication wide open.
Make marriage appointments. There are three types of marriage meetings that are vital to reconnecting: a business meeting, a date night, and a daily check-in. I often suggest couples set regular meetings to specifically discuss the “business” of their partnership. This is the time to concentrate on what it takes to keep your household running smoothly. It’s a safe, rational time to bring up grievances about the dishes. These meetings also keep the minutiae from becoming what you focus on every day in your conversations.
The second type of marriage appointment to keep regularly is a date night. Date nights have become clichČ for a reason — they work . Set aside one night each week for the sole purpose of emotionally connecting with your spouse, no business allowed. Alternate planning the night each week. Remember, the dates don’t have to be elaborate. Romance in marriage is more about small gestures, creativity, and putting in the effort.
The final marriage appointment you should book is a daily check-in. It could be a minute or it could be an hour. Just make the commitment to carve out time every single day to connect. Make this a time to relate to each other in an intimate, focused way. Some couples suggest doing it the moment they come in the door after being apart all day and say it can really set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Never stop learning – seek out help, information and new perspectives. The bottom line is that you learn about happy marriages through good role models and/or by educating yourself. So if you haven’t had the role models to set a positive example for you, then you need to seek out the experts. You’ll find them in books, and now on the Internet with revolutionary personalized tools like eHarmony Marriage. Look into couples groups, marriage seminars, or communication workshops in your community. Don’t be ashamed to seek out professional help in the form of marriage counseling. It is not a sign of weakness. Every couple has issues and no couple has all the answers. Do whatever it takes. Don’t wait. Get started today. A bit of effort coupled with real perspective and intention will go a long way.
Too many couples believe that marriage should be easy, and if it is not, they think something is wrong. A successful marriage — one that is fulfilling, enhances one’s sense of self-esteem, and is emotionally gratifying, nurturing, and supportive — won’t emerge simply by living under the same roof. It takes investing copious amounts of effort and time. Maintaining a marriage in today’s world is no easy task. Hard work isn’t an option; it’s a requirement. Like any other worthwhile endeavor, marriage requires patience and practice. So if you need help, get it. Seek out a professional, buy some books, do the complete eHarmony Marriage program.
I understand that you’re tired. And I am glad you acknowledged up front that marriage takes work. But remember, knowing something is only half the battle in life. What you do with that knowledge is the other, critical half that will help you ultimately win the war. Best of luck!
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20 Responses to “Is it time to give up?”
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Dr. Parrott,
I feel like I am lost, I am raising my 3 children on my own, there was a fall out with my husband and my family. I don’t like to go into details about this but his side of the family did something to my side of the family it was kind of wrong. It teared my marrage apart. It really hurt my family and I don’t want to hurt there feelings. I don’t get no moral support, I have recently found out he is running with another woman. My breakup has really taking alot out of me, I am in therapy and it dosn’t seem to be working. My problem is a feel like I am being labeled in this single mother position. I want to be married I feel like I have other people who are trying to pull me back. I was never raised to be a single mother and I feel like I am being catagorized. If I could save my marraige I would but he dosn’t even pay support fianancially I reallize it takes two halves to make a whole but I feel like everything is being thrown on me. Could you give me asvised on how to go to be happy I am only human with feeling I feel like I am being treated like some kind of animal. I want to be happy and I want what is best for my family. I need to have a relationship I don’t appreciated being left like this. What can I do…. When I go to the therapy the therapist seems to keep on putting me in this catagory of a single mom and other families are like this. I just want to be left alone so I can start my family relationship.
Denise…..
Believe in yourself and your children. Do all you can, even if for only 15 minutes a day, to make time for yourself for reading, meditation, hobbies, friend talk, whatever it is. Don’t listen to what others have to say about your category…empower yuorself to survive, leave coaching encouragements around the house for you and your children, and if your therapist isn’t helping you, find a new one if that is what you think will help. there are support groups out there for parents under stress, grief groups (yes you have experienced a huge loss and need peer support). Don’t worry about being married right now; focus on what you need to do to survive, be happy and above all healthy–make sure you get checkups as needed. You are not alone out there–my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
I found this page helpful and would like to apply these principles in my marriage.Thanks.
Sometimes we tend to hold on when there is nothing to hold on to anymore. I believe in marriage for life, but if there is no happiness in it, if its all about causing each other untold pain and suffering, then maybe the only way to true freedom is through accepting that its over. A marriage can only stand if BOTH, once again let me say it BOTH partners are willing to work at it. Just one spouse toiling to make things wrk is not the ideal marriage. Life is too short to waste it in a loveless, joyless marriage. I have been in one such a marriage for way too long. I have been giving my husband too many second chances, yet he never changes, he is actually finding new ways of hurting me. If I remain in this marriage any longer I may become bitter about men for life. I need to find love, I am willing to give love, I am willing to work things out. I give too much, and receive so little. Life is unfair at times. Its rare to find two spouses who are both willing to work towards building a happy marriage for life. My husband is very selfish, he never does anything for me, but expects SO much from me. The only reason why I am remaining in this marriage is perhaps my fear of being a single parent.
i’ve been married for three years.it isn’t much or is it? well, my husband seems to be tired of me. i am trying to do everything to make our marriage work(i make him breakfast in bed, rub his feet,make dinner,do the laundry, do the dishes,the house is always spotless…) he seems not to notice anything.when he comes home from work,he just lays on the couch or talks on the phone,i even have to remind him to say “thank you” for dinner(which is very important for me),or “please” when he asks me to bring him anything. and the most important he doesn’t want to sleep with me any more!
he never helps me with the baby; thanks God he started spending more time with her now…
i feel so unappriciated!
is it even worth trining?
Svitlana,
I know it is hard when you are feeling unappreciated and feel that you are doing all you can. It is a lonely feeling! It sounds like you have already come to a conclusion of what your husband is feeling without even talking to him. You said “my husband SEEMS tired of me” Do you know that for sure? Find a way to discuss the situation and tell him how you are feeling without accusing him or nagging him. It is better to not assume what is going on. Think about how he “ticks”. Find out what his “love language” is. Maybe doing all the things you are doing for him doesn’t equate to love for him. What did you do in the beginning of your relationship that caused your hubby to respond to you? I have learned that if I start paying attention to what my husband needs, then he is more apt to look at what I need. I know that my husband needs to know that I think highly of him and respect him and trust him. I also know that he needs some time to unwind after work and I give him that. I also know that there are times that are just not good to discuss things that are bothering me. I wait for the right time and then find a way to discuss things without accusing him, nagging him and making him feel that he can do nothing right. Your marriage is worth trying to save! Remember that men and women are different and each individual person has different values and opinions and things that make them happy. We are all also raised differently and certain things are more important to one person than another. For example, I was raised in a very neat and tidy home. My Dad and Mom both participated in the house work. My Dad really appreciated when the house was clean and expressed that often. My husband was raised in a home where the housecleaning was his Mom’s responsibility and the house was generally a mess and very cluttered. So when I clean the house, he notices, but it is not a big deal to him and probably never will be. We have been married for 3 years as well and I have finally learned that for my own happiness, I do not let that bother me. It is simply not important to him and that is because he was raised that way. I try to pay attention to what is important to my husband and do that for him instead. He has recently helped with little things such as the laundry without me having to ask. I think he has been trying to pay attention to what is important to me now and things have been so much better. We are respecting one another and letting the other person be who they are. I think that is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place….he accepted me for who I was. I hope that was of some help. It also helped me while I typed all this! It just reminded me to continue to keep all this in mind in my own marriage! It is funny that when you first meet and fall in love with another person, you enjoy who they are and value your differences, but then when you get married, you try and change the other person to be just like you. Just some food for thought…..
I can’t help but think our marriage is over… It seems to me that my husband will do what he has to do to get me to stay, but when the dust settles, nothing has changed. I try to talk to him…We started this e-harmony thing as a last resort. The part where you are supposed to say a nice thing to your partner went like this:
Me: ok, we are supposed to say something nice to each other everyday.
Him: You are a good mother
Me: Thank you
Him: You are a good mother, but you are way too soft on the kids, you let them run all over you and they get away with everything. If you don’t stop doing everything for them, they are not going to know how to take care of themselves when they are older. You are ruining them.
I said Ok, then my nice thing went like this:
You are a really good driver.
Him: You want to know about my driving? I’m scared to death…. and it goes on.
His compliment made me feel like I am sending my children off to prison with a nice sack lunch, and he just doesn’t get it at all. This is the tip of the ice berg with us, and if I were able to afford a bigger aptt. with my kids, I would be out in a second. He looks at everything like “what’s in it for me if I do this for her?”
Cindy – I know what you mean. I get the same thing. My husband says, you did a good job painting, like a professional, but you know what you did screw up or you did wrong…he couldnt just leave it and say oh hey did you know that… then when i bring it up to him, he denies every saying that and we go into a he said she said fight, which I am so sick of.
Does anyone know how to go around conversations like this?
Is it time to give up is a really good question! My husband and I have been together for ten years now. Back in the beginning he pursued me. In fact at one point, after he beat me up physically, I left him for a year. I swore to myself that no man will ever hit me again! Well after that year apart I found myself thinking that I needed a man to support me because I wasn’t doing a very good job of it myself. Well that was seven years ago and now I am totally financially dependent on him. My health has not been very good for the past five years and I am on disability. Now my health has taken a turn for the worse, I have Lymphadema (swelling and pain) in my feet, ankles and legs. I can barely walk these days. I don’t think I could ever live on what I get for disability on my own, and there is no way I can get a job right now with not being able to walk very well and not to mention the severe pain I endure with every step that I do take. I am only 48 years old and I am mortified that this is happening to me.
When I first met my husband I was supporting myself and even for a while I worked and supported both of us. He always told me that he would pay all of the bills and the money I earned would be for groceries, household items and our fun money. Well over the past seven years we have lived in Minnesota, near my family, he has not made one friend. He doesn’t like anybody and truthfully nobody likes him. He is a crabby, negative person and it gets worse the older he gets. His father is like that too. I should have known!! It was like he wanted me to become totally dependant on him, and thats just what I did. Now he has become so angry once again he has started to take it out on me physically again. He tells me he is not happy and that’s my fault! I tell him I am not responsible for anyones happiness except my own. I’ve told him he needs to find happiness within himself. He just disagrees with me. There is no pleasing him no matter what I do. And mind you I use to keep a very clean and tidy house but now with my legs the way they are I can barely keep up with the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, just the basics. I prefer a neat, tidy and clean house but I am very limited to the amont of time I can spend on my feet each day. I am in therapy for my legs four times a week right now but that seems to be a very slow process as far as my getting better. We haven’t made love to oneanother for three years now! He totally turns me off. He likes to look at pornographic material and I prefer belifnet.com if you catch my drift. We have absolutely nothing in common anymore, and I feel so stuck I can’t begin to tell you what an awful feeling that is. I’m trying to hang on because of my health issues but it gets harder and harder with each passing day.
I guess the pont of my story is to let women know they don’t have to give up their independence, believe me I wish I hadn’t. Now all I can do is hope and pray that I don’t say or do anything that will set him off enough to hit me, and I hope and pray that my legs will once again be strong so I can go back to work and get rid of him!
Hi, Jo
I saw your story and wanted to say thank you for sharing your situation with us. I feel that no marriage is going to survive if a spouse beat on you. It is not possible to love someone and beat them when things are not going the way they want it too!
Life is to short for sitting around waiting for the next time he wish to strick you. If you have nothing in common and you two obviously do not have love for one another, then it is time to let go.
Prayer is what will keep you going when he leaves you. You can survive with out him. I was in an abrusive marriage some 20 years ago, I did not hesitate in packing up and leaving. I stuck around for 5 plus years, only to know that If I stayed with the crazy, Jealous, person that I may not live long enough to see my child grow up. This was one of the best things that I had done in my young life. Leaving him made me a much stronger and determined women.
Life has thought me that you can do or be anything you want. If you are persitent, determined, goal based and know what direction you should be going, you can accomplish it all.
I am now a different person now. My heart was broken then and have been broken down the line a few more times, but I am determined to love me, and if I find that one to love me back then “Hey”.
But above all things put God first in your life and allow him to complete you. I pray for your situation with your health, and marriage. I pray right now in the name of Jesus that he allow you to walk in the direction that he is leading you, and that you listen and follow his command.
In due time, everyone who trust in his holly word will walk in their season. Your’s will be coming soon! I say hold on and be patient. If this is your first marriage or your last just know that God loves you.
My husband and i have been together for 3 years, when we first got together he was my world my everything, just everything that i have ever wanted or dreamed of. One day i found out that he had been cheating on me with a older woman and i suspected that i was pregnant and i told him that if i wasnt that i was leaving him. i took a pregnancy test and sure thing i was. A month later i found out he was still cheating, but i still stayed after he promised that he wouldnt do it again. For the remainder of my pregnancy he was faithful and always there for me, he was the perfect husband and he showed me that he really loved me and that i was important to him. On November 14, 2005 pur daughter was born. i cant even begin to describe the happines that we both felt. Our family was finally whole. We were so happy, until 11 days later i came home in the morning only to find him asleep next to another female in our bed. i felt at that moment that it was over. My marriage had failed. But i stayed i tried and tried but after that everything just went downhill from there. We never really saw eachother anymore never really talked not a healthy relationship at all, about 7 months after that incident i moved out. and havent lived with him since. We still see eachother and talk all the time for our daughter neither one of us have filed for divorce. So i wonder is it worth trying again. I feel like i love him with everything that i am and i want to be with him. But my family has told me that if i go back to him they dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. I dont know what to do. But i do know in my heart i want MY family back, my husband.
Jessica, Hi
I would like to comment on your story. This is life that we are living each day that God gives us. God did not give a hand in marriage to have spouse’s cheating on each other.
This is very disrespectful for your Husband to bring in another women into your home. If you have respect for your self, Move on! Please. There are two kind of men one’s who will bring the women home, and one’s who want. The man who does not bring the Women home respect his home and know that if he brings trouble to the door, He is not protecting his family.
Either one is not worth continuing a relationship with. When a Man Cheats on his wife in his own bed, where he normally lay YOU DOWN at, do not care about you, the other women, himself, his kids, or his home.
You are in the best place now, alone with out him. You will find someone eles to love. Someone who will love, respect you, his home, himself. etc….. Take this time to look at what life can offer to you.
Make sure that you pray and ask God to send you that special person. And if he (your Husband) is that special person God will deal with him and perfect his attitude. Wait, be patient and look.
Bless you and your child.
My husband has never phisically hit me but the emotional abuse is ever present. The most recent example our family was in the car driving to a wedding and he had been yelling at me and everyone for several minutes and then he announced that he didn’t love me hasn’t for a long time and that he is only in this marriage because it would cost to much to get out of it. When we got to the wedding 15min later he appologized for being so angry. I thanked him for the applogy but told him that his kids heard every word and that this type of fighting had to stop. He works 24hr shifts with his job and now he works 2 jobs back to back with 24hr shifts. We never see him and when he is home he is angry. I talk about him with the kids all the time and we call him whenever the kids want to tell him something. We say hi to him were ever we go and I have the kids always think of him for example if we make cookies we save some for dad. It takes all I have to meet the needs of our 8 month old, 3 yr old and 5 yr old and keep the messed pick up after them. I have devopled RA and dont’ have the energy I once had and our once neat and tidy house is now cluttered and laundry gets behind from time to time. I know this really bothers him but he doesn’t do anything to help the situation. I’ve made suggestions to cut down our bills so he doesn’t have to work 2 jobs but I think he likes hiding at work. He always tells me we don’t have any money, but we should I worked 2 jobs for 5yrs before we stared our family to pay down all our bills. I’m at my wits end and I am ready to fold. I want a father figure for our children and a more loving and supportive father. I feel like I’m going this alone and when he’s angry I’de rather it be that way. Any advise?
I have been married for 21 years and together for 28 years. My h and I have been through many tough times and yes he cheated on me twice. In 2004 he left our home and was gone for 15 months. He lived with another woman for 5 months and then lived on his own. He kept in contact with me and at times he was sorry and wanted to come home. So he did come home and with counseling we were starting to have a good marriage. Unfortunately during the past 3 months he has said that he is not sure about the marriage and does not feel about me what he thinks he should. He has said that I have rejected him in many areas of his life and that maybe we are not meant to be together. My head is spinning and I cannot believe that this is happening. Instead of working on this through counseling this is where we are. My friends have been very supportive and advise me to focus on myself and move forward. I just believed that we had finally been on the right track. I guess my judgement is not as good as it should be. So here I am. I am 48 and still have a lot of life to live, but just feel sad and unwanted again. I know life goes on. Any advice or suggestions?
Gosh, I don’t know where to begin. I have been married for 28 years. My husband and I had a good marriage, I thought, and raised two wonderful and successful sons. One is a teacher, the other is a police officer. My husband had an affair 8 years ago and I had many days I didn’t know how to go on. He was extremely regretful, but only admitted to what I found out from the other woman’s husband. Fast forward to last year. He came home from work one day and said he wanted to live alone. Both of our sons had moved out within the previous 6 months, and he took it hard. He was depressed. I then find out there was another woman involved, again. He denies anything happened, but I believe he had another affair. We have now been separated for 7 months, he says he likes living alone, doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone on what he is doing, and wants a divorce. He left me alone in our home to live in an apartment with a TV, futon, and a mattress on the floor. He pretty much sits in that apartment night after night. I have to say, this started over a year ago, and it has been a long road. There have been days when I didn’t feel I could live through this. With counseling and antidepressants, I am now doing well. I enjoy my life and can’t imagine allowing him back into it again. I’m ready to move on, and I know I’ll be OK. I have a great job though, and know that financially I can take care of myself. That helps. My heart goes out to any woman or man who is put through this unbelievable betrayal, but remember, “This too, shall pass.” Healing takes time. I still have a ways to go, but I have faith I will get there and be better for the lessons learned.
Hi to all!
Ladies I wanted to say that I admire all of your courage for sticking with spouse who have hurt you and caused pain for you and your families. I still do not understand the I love you part and then like a big explosion, I am gone I don’t love you any more (stuff) that men day.
I am still a believer that if a person cheat on you once and get away with it they will do it again. My heart is full every time I read a story. Yet sometimes it is so hard for me to even comment.
But as I stated before in another one of my postings. Life is to short for this going back and forward. Either you love me for who I am or you don’t. It is never Okay! for a spouse to cheat.
To get over the pain is time, time heals all wounds. Nobody said it would be easy, but take the good with the bad and move on. Marriage is a lot of work, Unless two people are going to work on it, then it is bound to fail. I am not saying not to try (if that is what you choose), But make sure that your other half is putting in as much effort as you are.
I just say to all of you who are in situations like this find some comfort in Gods word, it will provide you the strength to stay or to walk away!!!!! God Bless you
My husband and I have been married for about 12 years. At times are marriage has been good and more often then not is has been bad. We have been to counseling for years. we have gone from being physical to vebally abusive. We have 2 children 4 and 5. My older child is a special needs child, diagnosed with autisum. . This has been hard on us but more on my husband. This past year has really had it’s ups and downs. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer (january) and had radiation treatments. My husband started going out on lunch dates with our live child care (girl) two days after our visit with an oncologist (February). To get her to stay. During this time I began to feel like an outsider in my own home. Then he went out to lunch with her the following week, then once the next month eventually through the months of May and JUne. I had no idea they were going out to lunch at all. I worked through my 6 1/2 weeks of radiation and after. He and her went out for 3 hour lunches and they worked out a plan to have sex. He told her he just wanted to have fun and he was not leaving me and the kids for her (he said that after she left he wanted to work on the marriage) and she agreed because it is against buddhist thai traditional (ridiculous) to cause the break up of the family she told him to stay with me because I still love him a lot). They still committed adulty. He told me they loved each and that he started falling in love with her, but he knew that she was leaving to go home. I found e-mails that he wrote to her that’s how I caught him. He has apologized, he is very embarassed. He said that he would never do this again. Our counselor says that he is very needy person. He says that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He wants to work on the marriage. I always trusted him to find out he lied to my face made me sick. I not sure if I want to make my self vunerable again and I not sure if I love him (my therapist thinks it may be covered by anger). Can this marriage be saved?
Hi. My husband had an affair and I accidentally found out. He said I gave signs that I didn’t love him anymore. He admitted that he “screwed” up but he said now he has feelings for her. He loves me but is not “in love” with me. We have 3 small children. He almost left me until I refused to let our marriage fail. Although he has feelings for her, he told her that he is giving his marriage a chance, especially for his kids. He ended it but I know she is calling him that he can’t deny his feelings for her and walk away. He doesn’t tell me though I can see it in his face if she called (he is thinking about what has happened). He told me that it will take time for his feelings for her to go away. We are spending more time together and with the kids. I have hope that our marriage will heal. He hopes so too. I just wish that girl would let him be. She thinks that she has a right to fight for him.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we have not had sex in almost 4 years although I told him before we got married how important sex is to me. He doesn’t talk to me and he doesn’t spend time with me unless its to go to dinner. When I try to talk to him about our issues he sees it as a confrontation and won’t talk. We have tried counseling but he did not really listen to what the the therapist were saying. We have no shared interest although I try to be involved with his hobbies from time to time and I even look for things we can do together. It almost doesn’t feel like a relationship at all. What do I do now?
I am married 29 years & since the beginning, my husbands job had him on the road.That was hard in a marriage but we had a solid marriage & I completely trusted him.My problem started 14 years ago when he developed a gambling problem & it hurt us financially to the degree of me working 2 jobs 7 days a week ( he did also & he was always a hard worker) He knew I survived our problem because it was a sickness & DIDN’T involve infidelity! Now as we are currently waiting for our new home being built in another state I’ve accidently learned he has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker at his local part time job. He called her 5 or 6 times a day, every day even while away on his many business trips & even discreetly while out with me at family functions. This affair went on discreetly for 3 years.He has lied to me constantly about every detail. I’ve learned all the facts on my own, begging him to sit down & lay all the cards on the table.He claims I know everything & then I find out another lie. He moved out of state & lived with my family while I wait trying to sell our current home & still even though they weren’t working together this affair went on via cell phone for five additional months. He insists she was only a friend & he wasn’t cheating, only guilty of conversations. He claims he immediately stopped contact once I found out. He never told me about his friend thinking he wasn’t hurting me & saw I am devastated by his secret life.I want counseling but he says no & I just need to put this behind me & forgive & forget because he’s done hurting me.During those 3 years we weren’t intimate with him saying he had no sex drive. He still insists the affair wasn’t physical but he showed me no affection.I point blank asked him why he was distant & if he had a girlfriend in the beginning when I saw his personality change but he said no to a GF & blamed his sex drive on his high blood pressure & all the meds he was taking. Trying to be understanding to his health, Iwould cry myself to sleep from loneliness. When I found out about this affair I called her & she painted a different picture saying he wanted more & it was escalating & she kept saying NO & continally asked her to movies, AC or dinner. He claims she told me all lies because he cut it off so she was being vandictive. She is married to a cheating man & my husband was her sound stage. He focused all his energy on her & syphoned it from our marriage.I love my husband but this is affecting my health & my mental being.We have 2 grown children & just had our 1st grandchild born in June. They both love their father but think I’m crazy for sticking this out & don’t believe things not becoming physical because he’s been caught in so many lies, why think he’s truthful now! He gets frustrated because I can’t stop talking to him about this affair. He wants to bury his head in the sand & forget what happened. I think we need to address the root of his problems in order to go on.He says I gave signs I didn’t love him anymore & yet I kept trying to reach out to him in the beginning & think his excuses are BS. He admits he screwd up reaching for an emotional connection with another woman & sees all the time I was begging for his attention.Maybe we were both hurting so much from the loss of touch & taking each other for granted we past each other by.I reacted crying by myself & he reached out to some woman whose husband didn’t give her attention & my husband was distracted by her problems building up his ego.She sent him a letter which I found saying “Thank u for being you, Have I ever told you how much u mean to me! Love U” – He claims this was a thank u letter from a friend because he always gave her a sound stage to cry to about her husband cheating on her. I try to make him see she thought of him of more than a casual friend to write a letter like this. She signed it Love U, not Thank U! I’ve also tried explaining to him before she grabbed his attention WE had NO PROBLEMS other than everyday tasks that most married couples face. I heartfully believe we did have a solid marriage before & I completely trusted him. I never thought he was capable of breaking my heart like this.In my eyes he was angelic & devoted to our family. We had a pure love together since age 17.How can I withstand this devastating feeling of my broken heart & go on looking for a future with the love of my life & the man I thought was my best friend & I his best friend.