Your Money, Your Marriage
Dr. Parrott,
My wife is a spender and I am a saver. She will buy something without even knowing the price, while I count every cent as we go through the grocery aisles. So, not surprisingly, money is our number-one source of conflict. What can we do?
– Ed
It is all too common for one person in a marriage to be a live-for-today spender while the other is a compulsive saver. It seems these styles emerge to some degree or another in nearly every marriage I encounter, professionally and personally. And while these clashing approaches can be exasperating, it is possible to reconcile them. My wife and I did. When we first got married, she was not focused on saving for the future at all. On the other hand, I was fanatical about it. This has caused quite a bit of friction over the last two decades. However, we have found simple ways to create a comfortable balance so that both of us feel respected and our unique needs are met. Remember, the goal of marriage is not to avoid conflict—that’s nearly impossible and not particularly healthy. What’s more important is how you manage that conflict. Keep in mind some good basic advice that has helped us.
Schedule a regular, mutually agreed-upon “money meeting.”
These standing appointments need to take place when you both have the time and energy to devote to this thorny topic. This should be a safe, rational time for discussion. This is not a time to blame or point fingers. Instead, use this time to identify and explore the “whys” behind certain decisions. Here are some great questions to ask each other to get the conversation flowing:
• How did your childhood shape your beliefs about money?
• How were financial decisions made?
• Were money problems discussed openly?
• What are your spending priorities?
• Do you know what my priorities are?
• How can we synchronize our individual priorities for the benefit of our marriage?
Don’t be disturbed if you find that each of your past models, and thus your current priorities, conflicts. The goal moving forward is to communicate and seek to understand each other, not to evaluate, judge and assume. You can air grievances, but attack the problem, not the person. If you try to let go of right or wrong, black or white, it will be a lot easier to give and take.
Maintain a perspective always rooted in respect.
Figure out if you are really arguing about money.
If you find that you are developing a pattern of having the same disagreements over money again and again, the true source of dissension may not be your money styles. That’s when it’s time to look for the real agenda behind your arguments. For example, if the hidden agenda is a question of power, you may find yourself hurling statements like “You always have to be the boss and make every single decision yourself.” Or you might resort to personal attacks: “Are you so irresponsible that you can’t understand our financial limits?”
Talk about money when you are rational, not emotional.
Another vital element is to not work through money problems while one of you is angry. Instead, schedule some time when you are both calm and can maintain that crucial perspective. If this is nearly impossible or if you find yourself fighting more and compromising less, consider consulting an objective third party who is trained in dealing with financial and communication issues. Ask a friend or trusted counselor for a good referral. Getting this issue under control is worth the effort. It just might save your marriage.
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4 Responses to “Your Money, Your Marriage”
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I have a question for you, I have heard the many ways of trying to confront my wife about this for I am the same way, a compulsive saver, save for a rainy day and or save for emergencies and yet, try to spend some money but on things that I NEED and not what I WANT all the time. When I try the different approaches in this matter, I am shucked off and I am getting the cold shoulder for just trying. Why is this, or why does this happen. Many woman want a man to pay the bills (not all of them especially if she works and makes more) but, a man wants a women also that can come together and do things for the family and not have the mentality that – what you can for me and the family will this marriage be okay or what you can do for me will make me happy (the wife talking to me know). This is not how you treat the King of your castle while the man in your life is treating you as best as he could as his Queen. I wish for the same thing in return without having to ask for it. NO and I won’t do it this way nor will I budge. Marriage is hard (for sure) and it is not about what you want to make you happy, you have to compromise sometime in the marriage. If you make money, we brung this family together from the start, and now that we both work and make money, why not do the right thing (not combine all of our money for you do need some room to enjoy it if you work for it) but, put money here for bills, money for savings (your own and then the family), retirement savings (together) and then entertainment money and the rest, that is your own, not the whatever you make, you pay the bills (my wife talking to me) and whenever the emergencies come around, I will take care of it (and haven’t been staying on this promise at all). it is discouraging and most of the times, I feel used and abused. She is the one that is in the most debt (utilizes(ed)) too many credit cards and are way up the chain on paying for them back (one of th elowest credit scores that I have ever seen) and I am trying to convince her that this is the right thing to do, pay these off now before jumping on anything else bigger or get you into further debt. Yes, I know that this is our problem together if I divorces or separated, but if I am trying to do the right thing, why does it seem that it is the wrong thing/time for her? I don’t understand and the feeling of going on with life as it is, is not too promising when I am trying to do the right thing and that is to have a safe nest when we retire and the kids are out of the house. What do you suggest for me? Thanks for the opportunity to get this out to you. Did not mean to go too far into it, but I need to know what your thoughts are on this.
Confused Husband of 20+ years – trying to do the right thing
I agree with this article. Here’s a pratical solution that my wife and I came up with.
Let me say up front that this will not work for the major spending issues, like the spur-of-the-moment refrigerator purchase. However, this will help with what I have found to be the most annoying part of my wife’s over-spending – coming home from the supermarket or mall having spent more than we agreed:
Get another check-card that your wife (spouse) can use that (1) you can transfer money to easily, but (2) is not connected by overdraft to your main account. Note: It must be a check-card, not a credit card.
The key to what makes this successful is that she can use ‘extra’ money on herself – her allowance is in this account, along with the food money and hair/nail money. She decides how to manage her finances through the use of this card. She cannot overspend, because the card will be declined if she’s spending more that her balance can allow.
What if the husband is the big spender and keeps getting into financial problems. We are heading that way now.
Current wife refuses to contribute in any way to financial,status of our situation, ,as long as iam supporting former in any way. so keep two house holds, and taking a lot of flak from current spouse about money. can not make the point that , that it is our welfare that i would appreciate help with not ex s .likely to be a deal breaker