How to Identify Pornography Addiction
Dear Dr. Parrott,
I have been reading a lot of the women on the site refer to their husbands’ excessive interest in porn. And I am wondering what is technically considered a pornography addiction?
- Anonymous
Thanks for the clarification question. It is important to distinguish a natural interest in sexual imagery and a problematic addiction to pornographic material. The addiction to pornography has been categorized as a specific type of sexual addiction. It is best described as an overuse or abuse of pornography in which the addict increasingly loses the ability to avoid exposing himself to sexually graphic materials. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, addiction to pornography follows a four-step cycle, and this cycle continually repeats itself, intensifying with each repetition. That’s one of the reasons it can be such a difficult cycle to break: the fact that one step leads into the next, which is even more intense than the last.
Step 1: Preoccupation
Addicts become completely engrossed with thoughts of sex and sexual fantasies. As a result of this mental state, addicts then undertake an obsessive search for sexual stimulation. Essentially, what happens is that the mind becomes so fixated on sex that the addict feels compelled to seek gratification, and he does so through what we might call secondary, rather than direct, means.
Step 2: Ritualization
When addicts are seeking this secondary gratification, they will often create a special routine that leads up to masturbation or other sexual behavior. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding arousal and excitement. The rituals leading up to the final moment may ultimately be more important to the addict than actually reaching orgasm.
Step 3: Compulsive sexual behavior
This is the addict’s actual sex act, which is the goal of the preoccupation and ritualization. The true addict is unable to control or stop this behavior. Ironically, it is toward this moment that the entire process aims, but this moment is almost immediately followed by the lowest moment of the cycle.
Step 4: Despair
Having achieved orgasm and apparently reached the ultimate goal, the addict often almost immediately experiences the feeling of utter hopelessness about his or her behavior, as well as his or her utter powerlessness in the face of it. Even more discouraging is the fact that the experience does not lead to normal feelings of sexual satisfaction, but rather to emotions such as hopelessness, melancholy, powerlessness, and depression. Therefore, to escape these negative feelings, the addict soon becomes preoccupied with sexual thoughts and fantasies again, and the whole addictive cycle starts all over.
One significant aspect of pornography and its effect on a marriage is that it is a nonconsensual act with the power to create negative consequences for both spouses. For the partner who is discovered abusing pornography, for example, feelings of isolation and shame can be extremely powerful; it’s embarrassing to be caught, especially in a behavior that you have lost the ability to control, even when you know that it’s hurting someone else you love. The obsessive-compulsive ritual of pornography and masturbation can be exciting, but it can also be draining. The more you fight it, the more you want it, thus the more powerful its power over you becomes. And as is the case with any addiction, it then takes more and more to create the desired effect. It’s therefore vital to acknowledge the issue, and to take responsibility for your behavior and for taking sexual energy away from your marriage. And for the other partner, the consequences are no less detrimental. Feelings of insecurity and fear begin to take over: What I am not doing right? Why am I not enough? If I were more attractive, more exciting, more skilled, there would be no need for this. If you are experiencing any of these emotions, it’s important to remember that this issue is not about you—you have not driven your spouse to abuse pornography.
As with any addiction, it is critical to get professional help if you can identify with any or all of these defining characteristics. Here’s a good place to start: http://locator.apa.org/. And we’ll have additional articles in the future on pornography problems.
(11 votes, average: 3.73 out of 5)
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15 Responses to “How to Identify Pornography Addiction”
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I feel it’s misleading to talk of overuse or abuse of pornography. Any use of pornography is abusive to a marriage, a person’s sprirituality and their view of others. Pornography is not something that can be dabbled in… it’s use is always a poison.
I think it’s important for men and women to have this kind of information when it comes to pornography, especially since it’s so readily available in today’s world. While I’m happy to see eharmony addressing this issue, however, I wish this article would have done more. Defining Carnes’ four stages is useful, but I don’t feel as though this article applies those stages to the porn-addict’s behavior. How can a porn-addict identify preoccupation or ritualization in his behavior? What are some things he should look for? I’m assuming there are signs that the porn is too important, i.e., if the addict has chosen porn over sex with his/her spouse sometimes, if the couple has discussed porn and one partner has expressed a clear desire that it not be in the home, etc. Some guidelines like this would be very helpful here, and I hope to see them in the upcoming articles promised above.
The article was short and only covered the surface but did touch on some issues and get the ball rolling for readers to follow up on. I did like the fact that he released the partner of any and all responsibility for the addiction. Some books I have read do lay some responsibility on the partner to supply sex at least every 72 hours or the significant other will “turn” to other means, this is simple not true. Thank you for your informative article.
Jacqui,
You are correct…the partner of the porn addict bears NO responsibility for the actions of the addict. Some guys may cry, “If she’d only give it up more often, I wouldn’t need to do this.” Rubbish. That line didn’t work when I used it, and it doesn’t work now. That was a decision I made, and despite anything else that may or may not have been a contributing factor, I ultimately made the choice, and no one twisted my arm.
The partner’s willingness to engage in intimate activity CAN, however, help in the recovery of one who genuinely wishes to leave this poisonous preoccupation. (That doesn’t mean a man should demand it…or even expect it.) I defer to the authors of ‘Every Man’s Battle.’ This book was instrumental in my recovery from 25 years of sex-and-lust-and-porn-and-infidelity. The authors created a section of that book expressly for wives of men with lust problems. They can detail this principle better than I can.
I’m not sure I agree with the first response above (from Ed), especially if it is an activity engaged in by the couple together (e.g., as part of their foreplay). However, I agree entirely that the article leaves a large elephant in the room— is there any other use of pornograhy that is not “abusive”. If someone looks at pornography with some frequency, but is not ritualistic about it and does not feel dispair — is it still problematic? What if the other spouse would (or would not) be upset if he or she knew?
Darn!
Dr. Les has proved that 90% of the ‘addicts’ aren’t. Now what excuse can they use for misbehavior?
As is so prevalent, one quick, easy, sound-byte methodology is applied to create a comfortable “we are OK, they are not” all-purpose fix. Sexually explicit media is not the problem, people’s obsessive and/or compulsive behavior is the problem. Sexy imagery and/or text has been available to humans for thousands of years, but somehow, NOW it’s a big problem. This has nothing to do with the imagery itself and everything to do with PEOPLE. People create the problem, not the photo/video/text/what-have-you. I also find it rather telling that the base assumption is that it is MEN who have the problem(s). Whether men indulge more in adult imagery, is irrelevant. “Porn addiction” is only one facet of an ever expanding range of sexual obsessions/compulsions, to which women are every bit as susceptible.
For more information, please refer to Dr. Patrick Carnes books “Out of the Shadows” and “In the Shadow of the Net” . There are more and more counselors that are becoming Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists that specialize in assessing for this addiction. Dr. Parrott has listed the stages of sexual acting out cycle from Dr. Carnes work. The books also give examples of acting out behaviors. There are also local Sexaholics Anonymous (12 step) meetings that one can attend and get more information.
Hey guys
The bible says that if any man lusts after a woman, he has committed adultry. So what that confirms is that 90% of our sexual involvement with our partner, happens in our heads. Are sexually explicit pictures wrong. Not in and of themselves, but they are extremely dangerous. So why expose yourself to a danger that can be avoided or run from. Images of any kind can lead to adultery in the mind for both the female and male.
As to the partner not being sexually involved with his/her mate. I can definitly see a responsibility there. The bible says that married people should not abstain from sex and if they do it should only be for an agreed upon time. This the bible explains is so that we will not be carried away by our own sinful lust. So, yes the decision to sin lies with the person making the decision, but when you live and sleep together, arousal will happen. It must be satisfied somehow.
So when we play with poison, we will likely get poisoned. Let’s turn to the owner’s manual when trying to fix the problem of the heart.
Is my husband a porn addict? We have been married only over a year and I have seen porn on his computer and even confronted him; found some photographs in his closet and some adult magazines (which he says is normal for a guy). Last few months I did not see any porn on the computer and thought probably he has changed and but recently found some obscene magazines. All these have hurt me a lot and not helping our relationship, since the beginning of our marriage we have not had a good physical relationship and it’s been making me insecure and I am losing my confidence. Day after day I am hurtful and depressed. I love him and don’t want to leave him for any reason, as a Christian woman I want to do the right thing and make this relationship work.
Can someone tell me how I should deal with the situation? Did anyone have had such an experience? Please help!
Mj I think your spirituality or the dream of your perfect relationship is keeping you in the wrong place.Dont feel responsible for your partners accions,see your own beauty and how much your are worth of being loved and honor.
its been only a year.For me it took 21 years,to realize that it wasnt the man but only a dream that I was holding on.Dont let go of your dream,dont give him your power by becoming a victim.luv mary ann.
Wow, what a debate this can start, huh…As a man who has struggled with this, I can say that it can affect you relationship with your spouse and you may not even realize it. It may seem harmless to you but it’s the Evil one’s way of destroying your relationship. As Joseph did with Potifer’s wife – RUN, RUN from it !! I was discovered and it came extremely close to ruining my marriage. But as God himself is very wise, he chose to expose the problem which in turn opened up the need to communicate with my spouse about my struggle. I must say that it (talking about it) became a turning point in our intimacy together and a reason to ban any and all lust in my own heart. My wife and I are much closer now that it became exposed and I asked her (and God) to forgive me and give me strength in this area. As a sidenote, I was currently listening to a speaker and found it quite interesting that he see’s romance novels as “womans porn” . WHAT ?!? you may ask, but as he explained it, anything that creates your thoughts to fantasize about anythin besides your relationship with your spouse, is porn.
God bless you and keep you safe.
My husband was deep into porn and even cheated on his previous wife. I married him, thinking he was “over it”, and that our love could keep it away. HAAAAA! But, I have a question: He now rarely looks at naked women, but often goes onto single dating sites. Do you consider this part of the “addiction” or is it seperate?? In any case, I believe lust in the heart or eyes is cheating, including chatting and looking. I really wonder if those things are separate or lumped into the filthy lying cheating hurtful addiction. Thank you
Widowed at 30, I remarried at 40, and having been in a previously very healthy marital and sexual relationship, expected one with my second husband (I am his third marriage). I was accepting of him and enthusiastically participating in HOT! sex at least 6 times a week, and often more. Both of us were having a good sexual relationship with each other, and he said it was the best sexual relationship he had ever had, in his life ( I cannot say the same, but I kept that to myself! as my first and only previous now-deceased husband and I had a really great physical and emotional relationship). However, while I was out at work (I was working full-time) and my second husband was supposedly trying to find work, I found out, by looking at the computer history, that he had been looking at all kinds of online pornography, some of it very repulsive and perverted by my standards. I am not a prude and am fine with anything at all he wants to do between the two of us in privacy. However, I found that despite the fact that he was getting lots of sex with me,he still had an addiction to pornography that had formed years before I had ever met him. It was very hurtful to me regardless, even though I know it is not my problem, or something I caused, it still affects me to this day six years later…though he for the past two years, rarely views pornography. It damaged my feelings for him, and my willingness to totally give myself sexually as I had been doing. It also made me less accepting of him physicallly because I felt that he wanted some kind of porn style looks from me when he was grossly overweight, balding, and poor. While I am 10 years younger, in good shape, and someone others view as quite attractive. Bridging the emotional chasm that pornography created in our relationship has been difficult, and I do believe that it breaks the special bond of God created naked intimacy that should only be shared by two people….
I’m very touched by Kathleen’s contribution. As a male who’s recently been married, I often look at myself as the “female”(smile). Let me explain: My wife is by nature a very private person…it causes a lot of problems with be acceptng the fact that she doesn’t trust me enough to reveal things or even to talk generally. I was also left EXTREMELY diasppointed whith the fact that our sex life went downhill very dramatically. I feel no intimacy from her. I despaired. I became ANGRY at her for not being honest with me about her feelings which, I thought she hid from me….maybe to “avoid” hurting my feelings. Youy see, She is only my second sexual partner. And I hoped to explore my sexuality with her in my marriage. But I feel shut out by her and it drove me to “look” somewhere else…into porn. Porn led me to fantasies which led me to make a pass at a close friend. I got into trouble at work for it and I felt hopelessly ashamed at my behaviour. I love my wife very, very much, but I sometimes feel that her emotional ambivalence is like her taking a knife and stabbing it through my heart then twisting the blade…I felt ALONE.
So although it it true that my decision to look at porn is MY own responsibility…and I DO acknowledge that fact, I do think that in the larger context, a partner’s treatment of you sets the conditions for VULNERABILITY. To me, it is just as important for the partner of an addict to introspect and REALLY, sincerely examine if any influence may have come about on or from his/her part.
In my case, I simply want to hear my wife say “Yes, darling …what you say is true…and not just in your head…” I started down that dangerous road out of HURT…and I want you women otu therr to know that it is not only you (all) that hurt…men feel it too. I do intend to stay in my marriage and to do whatever it takes to fix myself before UI do damage my marriage. I still am in love with her.