Comments on: How to Identify Pornography Addiction

By: Ken

Ken — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:17:27 +0000

I’m very touched by Kathleen’s contribution. As a male who’s recently been married, I often look at myself as the “female”(smile). Let me explain: My wife is by nature a very private person…it causes a lot of problems with be acceptng the fact that she doesn’t trust me enough to reveal things or even to talk generally. I was also left EXTREMELY diasppointed whith the fact that our sex life went downhill very dramatically. I feel no intimacy from her. I despaired. I became ANGRY at her for not being honest with me about her feelings which, I thought she hid from me….maybe to “avoid” hurting my feelings. Youy see, She is only my second sexual partner. And I hoped to explore my sexuality with her in my marriage. But I feel shut out by her and it drove me to “look” somewhere else…into porn. Porn led me to fantasies which led me to make a pass at a close friend. I got into trouble at work for it and I felt hopelessly ashamed at my behaviour. I love my wife very, very much, but I sometimes feel that her emotional ambivalence is like her taking a knife and stabbing it through my heart then twisting the blade…I felt ALONE.

So although it it true that my decision to look at porn is MY own responsibility…and I DO acknowledge that fact, I do think that in the larger context, a partner’s treatment of you sets the conditions for VULNERABILITY. To me, it is just as important for the partner of an addict to introspect and REALLY, sincerely examine if any influence may have come about on or from his/her part.

In my case, I simply want to hear my wife say “Yes, darling …what you say is true…and not just in your head…” I started down that dangerous road out of HURT…and I want you women otu therr to know that it is not only you (all) that hurt…men feel it too. I do intend to stay in my marriage and to do whatever it takes to fix myself before UI do damage my marriage. I still am in love with her.

By: Kathleen

Kathleen — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 01:29:37 +0000

Widowed at 30, I remarried at 40, and having been in a previously very healthy marital and sexual relationship, expected one with my second husband (I am his third marriage). I was accepting of him and enthusiastically participating in HOT! sex at least 6 times a week, and often more. Both of us were having a good sexual relationship with each other, and he said it was the best sexual relationship he had ever had, in his life ( I cannot say the same, but I kept that to myself! as my first and only previous now-deceased husband and I had a really great physical and emotional relationship). However, while I was out at work (I was working full-time) and my second husband was supposedly trying to find work, I found out, by looking at the computer history, that he had been looking at all kinds of online pornography, some of it very repulsive and perverted by my standards. I am not a prude and am fine with anything at all he wants to do between the two of us in privacy. However, I found that despite the fact that he was getting lots of sex with me,he still had an addiction to pornography that had formed years before I had ever met him. It was very hurtful to me regardless, even though I know it is not my problem, or something I caused, it still affects me to this day six years later…though he for the past two years, rarely views pornography. It damaged my feelings for him, and my willingness to totally give myself sexually as I had been doing. It also made me less accepting of him physicallly because I felt that he wanted some kind of porn style looks from me when he was grossly overweight, balding, and poor. While I am 10 years younger, in good shape, and someone others view as quite attractive. Bridging the emotional chasm that pornography created in our relationship has been difficult, and I do believe that it breaks the special bond of God created naked intimacy that should only be shared by two people….

By: Shell

Shell — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 02:47:28 +0000

My husband was deep into porn and even cheated on his previous wife. I married him, thinking he was “over it”, and that our love could keep it away. HAAAAA! But, I have a question: He now rarely looks at naked women, but often goes onto single dating sites. Do you consider this part of the “addiction” or is it seperate?? In any case, I believe lust in the heart or eyes is cheating, including chatting and looking. I really wonder if those things are separate or lumped into the filthy lying cheating hurtful addiction. Thank you

By: PC

PC — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:39:44 +0000

Wow, what a debate this can start, huh…As a man who has struggled with this, I can say that it can affect you relationship with your spouse and you may not even realize it. It may seem harmless to you but it’s the Evil one’s way of destroying your relationship. As Joseph did with Potifer’s wife – RUN, RUN from it !! I was discovered and it came extremely close to ruining my marriage. But as God himself is very wise, he chose to expose the problem which in turn opened up the need to communicate with my spouse about my struggle. I must say that it (talking about it) became a turning point in our intimacy together and a reason to ban any and all lust in my own heart. My wife and I are much closer now that it became exposed and I asked her (and God) to forgive me and give me strength in this area. As a sidenote, I was currently listening to a speaker and found it quite interesting that he see’s romance novels as “womans porn” . WHAT ?!? you may ask, but as he explained it, anything that creates your thoughts to fantasize about anythin besides your relationship with your spouse, is porn.
God bless you and keep you safe.

By: mary ann

mary ann — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 01:37:04 +0000

Mj I think your spirituality or the dream of your perfect relationship is keeping you in the wrong place.Dont feel responsible for your partners accions,see your own beauty and how much your are worth of being loved and honor.
its been only a year.For me it took 21 years,to realize that it wasnt the man but only a dream that I was holding on.Dont let go of your dream,dont give him your power by becoming a victim.luv mary ann.

By: MJ

MJ — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 15:32:40 +0000

Is my husband a porn addict? We have been married only over a year and I have seen porn on his computer and even confronted him; found some photographs in his closet and some adult magazines (which he says is normal for a guy). Last few months I did not see any porn on the computer and thought probably he has changed and but recently found some obscene magazines. All these have hurt me a lot and not helping our relationship, since the beginning of our marriage we have not had a good physical relationship and it’s been making me insecure and I am losing my confidence. Day after day I am hurtful and depressed. I love him and don’t want to leave him for any reason, as a Christian woman I want to do the right thing and make this relationship work.
Can someone tell me how I should deal with the situation? Did anyone have had such an experience? Please help!

By: Stoney

Stoney — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 12:44:04 +0000

Hey guys
The bible says that if any man lusts after a woman, he has committed adultry. So what that confirms is that 90% of our sexual involvement with our partner, happens in our heads. Are sexually explicit pictures wrong. Not in and of themselves, but they are extremely dangerous. So why expose yourself to a danger that can be avoided or run from. Images of any kind can lead to adultery in the mind for both the female and male.

As to the partner not being sexually involved with his/her mate. I can definitly see a responsibility there. The bible says that married people should not abstain from sex and if they do it should only be for an agreed upon time. This the bible explains is so that we will not be carried away by our own sinful lust. So, yes the decision to sin lies with the person making the decision, but when you live and sleep together, arousal will happen. It must be satisfied somehow.

So when we play with poison, we will likely get poisoned. Let’s turn to the owner’s manual when trying to fix the problem of the heart.

By: RJ

RJ — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:17:46 +0000

For more information, please refer to Dr. Patrick Carnes books “Out of the Shadows” and “In the Shadow of the Net” . There are more and more counselors that are becoming Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists that specialize in assessing for this addiction. Dr. Parrott has listed the stages of sexual acting out cycle from Dr. Carnes work. The books also give examples of acting out behaviors. There are also local Sexaholics Anonymous (12 step) meetings that one can attend and get more information.

By: Buckster

Buckster — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 22:57:08 +0000

As is so prevalent, one quick, easy, sound-byte methodology is applied to create a comfortable “we are OK, they are not” all-purpose fix. Sexually explicit media is not the problem, people’s obsessive and/or compulsive behavior is the problem. Sexy imagery and/or text has been available to humans for thousands of years, but somehow, NOW it’s a big problem. This has nothing to do with the imagery itself and everything to do with PEOPLE. People create the problem, not the photo/video/text/what-have-you. I also find it rather telling that the base assumption is that it is MEN who have the problem(s). Whether men indulge more in adult imagery, is irrelevant. “Porn addiction” is only one facet of an ever expanding range of sexual obsessions/compulsions, to which women are every bit as susceptible.

By: shatto

shatto — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 06:02:57 +0000

Darn!
Dr. Les has proved that 90% of the ‘addicts’ aren’t. Now what excuse can they use for misbehavior?