Can You Affair Proof A Marriage?
One of my biggest fears is that my husband will have an affair. I have only admitted this to myself recently. I have absolutely no objective grounds to suspect anything, and I don’t want to act paranoid, but it’s just that I hear so many devastating stories. My husband and I are approaching the seven-year (itch) mark and I think that has a lot to do with my increasing anxiety. What can we do to protect our marriage against extramarital affairs?
– Sally
Sally,
Thanks for your question. It is one that not enough people ask until infidelity has already infiltrated the marriage and wreaked significant, often irreparable, havoc. I commend your proactive approach; it says a lot about your commitment to your marriage.
After 20 years of working with couples, I can tell you one thing for certain: people enter extramarital relationships for a wide variety of reasons. Sometimes they are motivated by excitement. Sometimes they are seeking variety. Others can become caught up in the desire to “prove” to themselves that they are desirable to the opposite sex. In yet other cases, people feel dissatisfied with their marriages and use an affair to hurt their spouse or maybe even prompt a confrontation that will lead to the end of the marriage. In such instances, the offending party may be quite indiscreet to actually ensure that the “wronged” spouse will discover the infidelity.
Whatever the reason, infidelity is extremely prevalent. Some surveys report that half of all married men and a quarter of married women admitted to having extramarital sex at least once by age forty. That’s why I think it’s wise for every couple to consider themselves at risk to some degree or another. I find it is a good way to stay present and engaged, and it keeps you working at your marriage. All too often, we simply go into autopilot mode and leave our relationships vulnerable.
The Myths
One well-known counselor and author named Henry Virkler believes that a first step in insulating your marriage from infidelity is clarifying several common things that couples believe about affairs, but are not actually true. A couple of these myths include:
1. We don’t really need to worry about an affair in our marriage because we are happy. A good marriage may reduce the likelihood of an affair, but it can never be taken for granted.
2. Most affairs can be chalked up to lust. The truth is that most affairs, especially for women, occur because of unmet emotional needs for friendship, security and basic attention.
3. A strong belief system inoculates a person against an affair. A personal faith may to some degree reduce the likelihood of an affair. But inoculation is far from guaranteed simply because a couple is active or well respected in their church.
4. A person will almost always choose a lover that is more attractive or successful than his or her spouse. Remember, it goes back to the motivation of the unfaithful partner. Sex may not be the most important ingredient in an affair, so how attractive a person is may not be as important as how well they listen.
5. When a spouse’s affair is discovered, it is best for the offended party to pretend not to know, and thereby avoid a crisis. This approach is often taken out of fear of the consequences, but if the behavior is not confronted it will very likely be repeated again and again.
What are some of the myths you have about cheating? What about your spouse? Addressing them openly with each other is a great first step to having mature, honest exchanges that will get you on the same page about your commitment.
Where You’re Vulnerable
Next, identify the kinds of situations in which each partner is the most vulnerable and come up with mutually agreed-upon ways to avoid such circumstances. For example, I treated one couple who decided that either one of them going to a business lunch with a person of the opposite sex was an issue for them. This may seem minor and laughable to other couples, but to them it was where they chose to draw the proverbial line in the sand. So they agreed to always be sure to include another associate, bring up their affection for their spouse in the conversation, and so on. The idea is to actually plan ways of avoiding circumstances that hold the slightest possibility for infidelity. Another idea could be to draw the line at any physical contact with others, or to never share love language with someone other than your mate (including a note or card or phone call). Remember that even without conscious intent, some behavior can unintentionally draw two people into an affair.
When You’re Vulnerable
One additional thought based on my years of working with couples: whenever a couple is experiencing a developmental transition (such as moving to a new city, starting a new job, or experiencing the birth of a child), their lives are more unstable and unpredictable than usual. It is more important than ever to work at staying connected at both an emotional and a physical level. These challenging times are often when couples let their guard down and open themselves up to temptation.
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35 Responses to “Can You Affair Proof A Marriage?”
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You say some do this for a reason(s). I think that is not right. It is excuses for these affairs. My husband blamed the other woman for touching his hands while they were sharing about their problems with spouses. I knew we had many problems and i beg my husband for counseling. He said it is all on me not him. One day he suprised me asking me to do wedding vows with other couples at church, at first I wasnt so sure about this but I went along with it but all that week, he turned evil and told me to get out his house, he said terrible things to me at resturant front of people. i couldnt figure it why is he acting this way. He confessed about having an affair with co worker. What a fake husband and Christian ( in fact im not sure if he is born again for real) . We are still togehter but really im not that happy with him since all this happened four years ago. He said he dont miss sex anymore and i dont feel loved from him as he tells me he loves me. I have a hard time with this. Mayn times i resent him and he feels i have not forgiven him all the way. We used to be loving couple and share but since then, he acts differently.
After an affair, the marriage has a foul rot that can not be eliminated. Mourn the relationship as you knew it, and I think that it’s time to move on. There’s never an excuse for hurting someone to their very core, which is exactly what an affair says to the victim. The reason people continue to cheat, is because we exucse poor behavior out of our own fear of being alone. You’ll worry forever if your spouse, the one who put a ring on your finger, will ever be true. You’ll wonder if he or she ever has been true. Just go on and wait for the next best thing, which really is the only best thing because the first thing was a trick.
I love this article.. My husband had left me after ten yrs of marriage and with 4 kids in january and not even two weeks after moving out had signed up for every match dating site there was possible. I found out about it because i saw his name on a website my friend showed me. And when I asked him about the site he at first lied to me about it..Later admitting that he did not want to hurt my feelings and thats why he did not tell me the truth! He since then has sent me proof of deleting all accounts.
Was it something to do with the new and exciting part? Did he want to feel desired??? Who knows but since Mothers Day he has told me he wants to try to work on our marriage. But since then I have fear of him having an affair on me. Should I be worried about him later on of having an affair seeing how he tried to “move On” so quickly??? I trust him as he has never lied to me prior to this but the thought is constantly in the back of my mind! How can I get past this???? He said at one point he loves me but he is not in love with me. So now I worrying constantly. I really want our marriage to work because I know the real him. And when this all had happened he was going through a very major life change of events. Which is why I understand why he did what he did. But he also said I was not good wife material….But if I wasn’t why would he want to come back? Right??? I am so torn by this Can you help????
After discovering my husband was having an affair, I was very disappointed and hurt as well. But I think he felt the most humilation because, (eventhough I suspected that he is having an affair, ) it was the letter that I received from one of his co-worker informing me about the affair. He was dumbfolded abot that and he was very ashamed about it too when he saw the letter and I think he was even hurt when our adult daughters write to him about the letters. He had no choice but to admit it to them(His ego was really crushed) because all this time he was their role-model.
From that moment onwards he is just a ‘normal’ person not authoritive anymore. Now my question is: how do we know that he is not fooling around anymore? How can we tell he has learnt a lesson?
Rosey
I’m still trying to heal from my husband’s infidelity. I chose to give him a 2nd chance and not to divorce him over it. However, our relationship has forever been altered and not in a good way. The foundation of trust is gone. The pain he caused me is ever present. Not only am I emotionally wounded, but also, I feel disconnected from him emotionally and physically ever since I found out he had cheated on me, lied to me and betrayed me for 8 months. I was shocked that he could do such a horrible thing and for an extensive period without me discovering it. I thought that he loved me as much as I loved him, but now I know how little I really meant to him for him to do such a disgusting thing. He put me at risk for VD and potentially got his mistress pregnant. She claimed later, she had a miscarriage. Neither of us know if she had actually been pregnant or if she simply lied about being pregnant in order to keep my husband in her life. As far as we know, there is no illegitimate child involved as a result of their affair. He met this mistress online in a chatroom. My husband initiated the relationship, first as a friendship online, then in person and then evolving it into a full blown affair. He’d tell me he was going to visit his brother or dad or a co-worker friend when in actuality, he was seeing his mistress. I only found out what was really going on, when his mistress got fed up with Phil not dropping me and finally called my home and told me over the phone what was going on and within the hour of that call, she came to my front door and hung photos of them together so I’d be convinced that she was telling me the truth about their affair. She told me more than Phil did about everything they’d been doing behind my back. I was unprepared for this sudden news and mortified by it. I was in disbelief that this could be happening for real. I wanted it to be a nightmare that I could wake up from and it not be reality, but unfortunately, it was reality and I could barely breathe hearing what I was hearing about the two of them. I’m sure my story is just like a million other wives who discover that their spouse has been untrue to them as well. My family urged me to divorce him right away. I saw attorneys about it, but I didn’t really want my 8 year marriage to end. I loved him still. I hated what he did, but I didn’t want to begin a new life and step aside so his mistress could take my place as his new wife. What was I, a disposable person? I had invested 15 years into this relationship. We dated 7 years before we ever got married, and had been married 8 years. I didn’t like what had happened, but my husband ended his affair after realizing that he wasn’t really in love with the other woman, but that she was a comfort to him, after he had lost his job. I know his excuse is lame. I know he hasn’t told me everything. Whatever his reason was for cheating on me….I really don’t want to go through the pain of him doing so again with another mistress. I cried buckets of tears over his affair and discovered, he was collecting phone numbers of other women besides and having porn sex online, etc. and collecting porn videos, etc. He was a sick man and I never knew it until his affair was out in the open. We got counseling for awhile. He probably needs more for his addictive behavior. I need counseling to get things off my chest. We have since had a beautiful child together. Our focus now is on her now, but we still have so many unresolved issues. I still worry that he will just hide his next affair better, but he says he’ll never hurt me again. It’s hard to believe him. It’s hard to feel close to him anymore. I don’t want to get hurt again like before. That was the worst pain of my life. If I had been the guilty one having an affair, I bet a million dollars, we’d be separated and divorced by now. It was his ego and self-esteem that put him on the path to infidelity. Both his father and mine were adulterers. Is cheating in the genes somehow? If it is, then, I guess, my husband is destined to cheat again and again and again. Then, I need to get out of the marriage, because my heart can’t take it. My heart is already broken beyond repair. Now, my only devotion is to God and my daughter. I cannot give my husband all of me anymore, when he did not value me enough to be true to me. My marriage is now a shell of its former self. I don’t know what to do to make things better. If you have any advice, I’m happy to listen.
I’ve been married four times, all have ended because of hurt, distrust, and me having an affair to then become married again to the person who i had an affair with. In my current marriage(I’ve been married for a year), my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I began having an affair(again) with the same person who I had an affair for the past four years in my previous marriage. I stopped having the affair just recently, but the feelings are still there for both parties, now he’s dating one of our closest friends, and now I feel like I am just waiting for my husband to do something else to me. I used to feel like I really loved my husband, but for the most part, I really want to leave this whole situation.
As best as one can affair proof a marriage would be to stay kind and loving. If you are kind and loving you meet some critical need of contentment. When we are first in love we are willing to overlook our partners flaws, as we live and grow with them sometimes thats all we notice. Affair proof a marriage is in the character of the person. When an individual discovers how much their loved one trusts them it is in oneself to value such a gift and to uphold that fine character trait – and receive internal satisfaction from knowing that value. That is why the opposite is so true of having an affair. A sense of disappointment and disgust that you let yourself down and that your character is marred. Affairs have all sorts of reasons. I think if you approach a marriage and honestly are kind and loving, and have done your part, and endured – at some point you think you made the wrong decision in being with someone. It really depends upon the circumstance of an affair and to determine its true instigation. In order to be intimate with someone – truly intimate- trust is one of those beginning building blocks, not one of the last.
I had a relationship with a co-worker who actually lives in another state. We travel together for work and it happened almost a year ago. I really care for this person, but know that nothing will ever be there than a friendship. I still feel very vulnerable and sometimes believe I am totally in love with this person. I love his friendship, but know that I need to put up some barriers if I am to honor the Lord in my marriage. Any advice, counsel, encouragement would be appreciated.
I believe the question is Can an Affair proof a marriage. (if this is the question i will respond)
I truely believe that an affair can proof a marriage, if the offending person is willing to leave the affair, seek counseling, and put their emotion back into the marriage. It will also work if the spouse is willing to trust, believe in that person, and really commit to the marriage.
I feel that a person, as many people have stated before, people cheat for a variety of reasons, (weather they make sense or not). But all to often marriages are broken each day for no good reasons. People are just cruel now a days. Broken homes, hurting spouses, childrens, family, friends.
Before I go on I want to talk to women! If this apply to you then accept it, if it don’t and you know of some one that it does apply to inform them.
WOMEN! STOP messing with married men, If a man take a women to be his wife infront of God, his family, friends, etc. and turn around some years later and cheat on his wife is a liar. If a man is married and he cheats on his wife that her took vows to marry, then what is he going to do to you.
Women that have affairs with a married man only set themselves up for failure. Get this he is not leaving his wife for you, and if he does, he is going to leave you too!
I want to know what does this type of lair, cheater, going to bring to the table for you to acheive. Nothing!!! You will never benefit from such a relationship. (YOU MAY THINK THAT YOU ARE ALL THAT, WHILE YOU ARE CHEATING WITH HIM). But Really what can he offer you. A little bit of pleasure is worth a whole lot of pain. At the end of the day! you are the one who is going to get hurt.
To you Women who have been lied to, cheated on, don’t worry! Those women live with that on their mind each and every day while they are cheating with your husband , and While they are alone, when he is not around. They are woundering why has he not called or come over, what is he doing with you. They are worried more than you are.
Even after he leaves you and break up his marriage, he is still thinking about you in his mind. This new women will sense this and they will not last for long.
One of the reasons that I am addressing Women is because Women have the power to say yes or say no. Men will tell women if it is not you it would be somebody eles. Well I say if women stop this foolish act, then It would be nobody eles to mess around with.
Best Girl friend STOP messing with you girl friend husband. She trusted you to be around why, on earth do you choose to be with a man so bad that,you would take the first thing that you see. STOP IT!!!!!! Stop being desparate for a man, find something else to occupy you time.
Men stop seeking vunarable women and using them to your advantage. Find your yourself something eles as well ot occupy your time.
So, Yeah a marriage can survive if we would stop dragging around all of this baggage or putting other people in our lives where they do not fit. Until next time God bless you all.
I feel impressed to share my thoughts here today. I’ve been married to a wonderful man for less than a year. I say wonderful becuase I know in my heart he is just that, though we argue and have our disagreements, we commit to each other to talk it out and work through the situation. Still there are times when I think it might be possible for him to step out on me, I feel the likelihood is very slim. For us, discussion is key. We get our feelings out on the table. Whats working and whats not working. I particularly like the comment about boundries. I’ve been in a mangement position for many years now and I always tell the younger up and coming managers to avoid the appearance. I find that often times if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, A DUCK RIGHT! So true is that of a married woman or man spending time with a single or married person of the opposite sex. On top of that I think that men and women can’t truly be just friends, at least not close friends without someone at some point wanting more. Just my feelings here.
Cathy – I would say that the friendship of this person means alot to you? Your husband means alot to you? What is more important to you, your husband’s happiness, this other person’s happiness or you happiness? What will you miss out on in losing this person as a friend? Why does your husband not fill that space for you? What is it about this person you are in love with? My suggestion as far as barriers, no time alone with this person. If you travel for work, keep the relationship professional.
Amen to “Nopain Nogain” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Hats off to you and much love. I agree 200%.
Now for Mandee sweetheart, I am not bitter or trying to put any salt into nobody’s relationship but sweets please don’t say the chances are “slim” for your current husband of 1 year to cheat. I am the person who said it won’t ever happen to me because he (my husband of 20 years now) was cheated on with his ex-wife. This is why they divorced. Well sister friend. He cheated, I didn’t see the signs nor was I looking for any because he wouldn’t do this to me. He loves me, he is kind, he is God fearing, he is Christian, he is love, he loves me, he loves our 4 children and 2 grand children, and so on, and so on….. I mean no harm in my words, but love Mandee, trust Mandee and trust God for he is the only one that will not let “you down”.
I’m on my 3rd marriage. My first husband cheated physically and my 2nd husband had an internet affair, filed for divorce with the intention of marrying the other gal and it never worked out. My current husband has gotten into pornography and claims it is because of physical problems…we all know they have medication for that. Everyday I work on forgiving him but he has lied so much, I don’t know what will happen. However, I remain because I’m not sure he is a Christian and I claim to be, so if I leave him what kind of a witness am I to him. Plus, I think people’s priorities have changed because of many outside influences and we’ve let Satan take hold and let things slide. We claim to make commitments but never follow through. When I married the 1st I thought this was it, boy, was I ever surprised when he filed for divorce. I have forgiven him. My 2nd husband I would never have suspected him to turn around and do the same thing either and he was a Pastor who had just finished writing his sermon when he came in the house and told me. I have forgiven him to. It boils down to the fact that we can’t control anyone else’s actions but our own, but we can pray for our spouse and ask God’s help. God is the only one that can be the prime example of a husband, father or son. No one can live up to that, but remember forgiveness is about healing for yourself more than it is about healing for them. If they have a conscience, God will deal with their hearts as he does everyones. Peace be with you.
Thank you for this article. Neither my husband nor I have ever had an affair or wanted to have one. But my husbands father had a quite few affairs and his mother always talked about having affairs/lusting after other men in front of my husband from the early teen years and on. They also had many other bad behaviors and set a bad marriage example for my husband. Their wonderful example came to a head followed by a nasty divorce within the last 2yrs. They were married for 29yrs.
We learn form our parents. There is something to be said when the children of adulterers become adulterers themselves. I have seen it more than enough and even more in my generation. I am 23yrs old. I am worried that it someday he may have an affair because of the example set by his parents.
We have overcome some of the other bad example areas. My husband is seeking counseling thanks to the marriage survey we took when we joined eHarmony for what we couldn’t get past together. Is there anything else we can do other than the above?
I’m not sure it is possible to absolutely positively guarantee 100% that your marriage will be affair-free. That it why it is so important for both parties to be alert and vigilantly guard their relationship. Build walls around your hearts by spending time together — discussing feelings, needs, wishes, talking about temptations and situations openly with each other. Make an area of your home (we chose the bedroom) a ‘no-hunting zone’ : agree that you can discuss anything calmly without fear of repercussion there. Guard your time away from your spouse: if you must work with a member of the opposite sex, keep it purely professional. Keep a picture of your mate visible, talk about him/her in a positive manner, etc. If possible, have a 3rd party present with you. Acknowledge your weak areas and be alert for times and locations where you are most vulnerable to temptation.
My wife and I were unfaithful to each other for many years and kept it a secret from each other. What finally brought us to the point where we could face each other with our secrets was when we each committed our lives to Christ and made Him the focal point of our marriage. As we confessed to each other, we could feel the weight lift from our shoulders. The mutual forgiveness was almost instantaneous. We now spend much time talking to other couples who are in similar situations, and we find that having that sort of ‘accountability group’ is another asset we can employ in the war against infidelity.
Pray with and FOR each other. Daily. When I am facing sexuality on display at work, it is comforting and strengthening to know my bride is praying for my purity.
My husband has acted very strange lately. I don’t want to be peronoid about nothing but I just have a gut feeling. And there’s just to many things that have’nt made since! He has cheated on every relationship he’s ever been in but says he’d never do that to me but… We had a situation a few years after being married with a girl that got pretty ugly. He of course said nothing happened, she was after him and I never found out anything ever did happen other than her saying they talked about. But I really wonder if I had’nt found out as soon as I did would it have actually happened. I know he’s lied to me about certain situations but he says it’s to keep me from thinking anything negative. I feel if you’re not doing anything wrong you should’nt have anything to hide! I feel like i’m gonna push him to cheat because I always question him, but I can’t get rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomache.
Am I just crazy? Please help!
I’ve lived through affairs – my parents and those close to me. My observation is that the affairs itself is the symptom, not the problem. A solid relationship truly built on respect, love, communication, etc. helps close the gaps and protect against an affair. When you’re constantly unhappy with one another and the relationship, it’s easy to look elsewhere for the happiness that does not exist at home. Yet another good reason to practice forgiveness in the little things – it’s usually the little things that are the building blocks that, left undealt with, create the walls between us and our spouses. Daily maintenance is required and there is no easy one step fix-it.
Neither my husband nor i have had an affair, however we both have come quite close. to this day I battle with my emotions towards a minister in my church who is very close to my husband. Women becareful because i have no physical attraction to this man whatsoever but an emotional affair developed from merely conversing, spending time together on the phone or in person and relating our marital problems to oneanother. We share so much and with that my focus became blurry. In truly searching myself and talking to God, I knew I needed to take immediate action and cut myself off from all contact with this man and his family with whom my family is vry close to as well. It is quite difficult because we worked together in many committees in the church as well as working within walking distance of each other’s jobs. I find my mind yearning for that emotional stimulation at times and I hate it however, by cutting off this minister (every aspect) I have been able to refocus and take more stock in my marriage. This minister still seems to send mix messages my way but i think he gets the hint overall. It is so important to guard your heart when conversing to anyone other than you spouse because you may find yourself in a place you never imagined you would be and the struggle to get out seems hopeless.
please tell me what to do, all of you! i was out of the house and when i came home and passed the computer, my husband had forgotten to turn off the msn messenger box he was chatting with some woman, her email address was there and her photo.
i did not ask him anything. could it be a work colleague? why do chat, is that acceptable for a bank employee? how do i find out what if any thing irregular is going on? he’s religious, very busy in the bank, receives lots of clients, has co workers. i’ve always been more interested sexually than him, he’s preoccupied with getting enough sleep. it’s always too late how can i tell what he’s up to with this email relationship?
Dear Jane,
I sincerely hope, for your sake, that what you’ve observed so far remains true in your life:
“My observation is that the affairs itself is the symptom, not the problem. A solid relationship truly built on respect, love, communication, etc. helps close the gaps and protect against an affair. When you’re constantly unhappy with one another and the relationship, it’s easy to look elsewhere for the happiness that does not exist at home. Yet another good reason to practice forgiveness in the little things – it’s usually the little things that are the building blocks that, left undealt with, create the walls between us and our spouses. Daily maintenance is required and there is no easy one step fix-it.”
However, the experience and observations of myself and many others is that sometimes, no matter how much sincere effort and attention given to your spouse/marriage, they still might cheat.
Sometimes the adultery is the problem and the problems in the marriage are caused by the resultant lack of trust.
Also, even before the betrayed spouse knows about the cheating, the cheater will often start doing and saying things to tear down the betrayed spouse and the marriage. It is part of the justification process for the cheater: they try to ‘reason’ that if they’re cheating and their spouse/marriage were good, that would make them a bad person to be cheating… therefore they try to convince themselves and others that their previously adequate or even wonderful spouse/marriage was inadequate or even awful. They are too ashamed and/or irresponsible to admit that they chose to cheat and to hurt someone who loved and trusted them. They want to pretend their choice to cheat is not their fault.
Also, there is a concept affecting human behavior called the consistency principle. We all knwo that if you love somebody you will naturally want to say and do nice things for them. (kind of like if you’re happy it makes you smile) But the opposite is also just as true: If you say and do nice things for a person, then you start to FEEL more loving towards them! (and if you smile, regardless of how you feel, you will start to feell more happy in psite of circumstances). If you treat somebody with disrespect, dishonesty and cruelty, then you will like feel as if they deserve less of your respect, honesty, kindness. It’s just the old blame the victim mentality that’s as old as sin itself. It’s a method of dehumanizing your victim so what you are choosing to do to them seems less heiness to you.
Very often the cheater is the one who previously refused to discuss or work on any problems in the relationship. Maybe everything really was OK and they didn’t think any effort was necessary? They don’t want to ‘rock te boat’ or ‘why fix it if it ain’t broke’? Maybe they were afraid that discussion would lead to argument? Maybe they were immature and thought ‘true love’ just happens and that if any mature maintenance was needed then it signaled them to seek romance elsewhere? It’s almost always the betrayed spouse who wanted to go to marriage counseling – rarely the cheater – both before and after the adultery.
Or just maybe they knew that with a resolution to any problems within their marriage, they’d be deprived of their handy excuse to cheat? Cheaters know if the problems are lessened (unealistic to expect marriage or spouse to be perfect) then they can’t justify cheating.
It has been my personal experience, plus observation of other marriages destroyed by cheating, that the cheater is more often than not the partner resistant to any effort to improve the marriage. It’s just easier and more exciting to put all their effort into a new relationship while blaming their betrayed spouse for supposedly failing to ‘affair proof’ the marriage. The truth is so often that the cheating spouse has paid just as little or even less attention to their marriage/spoouse as the betrayed spouse! It’s one thing to grow complacent (comfortable enough to be able to finally relax and trust?); it’s quite another thing to be slovenly, distant, inattentive with a trusting faithful spouse while you are lavishing your adultery partner with romantic dating behavior…
How will I affair-proof my future?
I will not marry a man who lacks the maturity and integrity to be faithful. NOBODY has a perfect marriage. Some people (cheaters) just use that as an excuse. There will always be some problems in marriage. Why marry somebody who will betray you just because of real life problems – obviously they won’t stick around if you really need them someday to help you through the really tough times like sickness and olda age!
Any adultery role-modeling that he was exposed to growing up will have to be already dealt with by him. He will have to love and want me enough to want to do everything possible to protect himself/me/our marriage from temptation (the cheaters’ job TOO – not just the betrayed spouses’!)
Also, any unrealistic, addictive, bottomless-pit type ‘needs’ a man has will have to be dismantled before I would agree to marry him. Sometimes the ‘needs’ the betrayed spouse ‘failed’ to meet simply can’t (and maybe even shouldn’t) be met by any mere mortal!
That brings me to the last but not least requirement: I will never again marry a man who isn’t the kind of Christian who walks and talks daily with God. Because there are some needs only God can meet and I don’t want to waste anymore of my life with some floundering philandering fool who hasn’t yet realized that!
I loved your article I was unfaithful to my husband 3 years ago. When I was reading the reasons why a person cheats I felt like you were describing me. I didnt feel as though my husband found me attractive, valued me as a person or cared what I had to say, we seemed to argue about things at home so much that we werent even very nice to one another. A co-worker and I were friends as well as extreemly attracted to one another and respected eachothers differences. He didnt nag me….but let me point out we DIDNT live together. I wanted my husband to find out about the affair. I wantd him to know that someone else wanted me. Then maybe he would want me, ( thats sick thinking I realize now)
My husband and I went to counsling and we learned some very valuable things.
-how each of us viewd love ie. husband throough acts of doing or helping I view it more from words of affermation.
-we learned not to assume that the other person knows anything that you are thinking. Always ask them to repeat back to you what you said to make sure they understand it. Somethimes it gets lost in translatiion.
- I called my husband more frequently throough out the day to let him know what was going on. This gave him reasurance.
- My husband learned how to forgive me
- I learned to be patient with the forgiving process.
It has been 3 years and we are happier than we were when we got married. I believe it is because we know how to communicat with one another more effectively. My husband also tells me what he needs out of the relationship and I am sensative to that. I provide those things because I love him not always because I want to. I believe love is about commitment and sacrifice to one another.
I read this to put my mind at ease, but it only made new awful ideas come into mind. This didn’t help at all, just make me more paranoid.
Amen, Jane!
Thank you Jane for putting it so eloquently. When we were dating our spouse we made them feel appreciated, gave them affection, and gave them attention. Too often in our marriages other things get in the way of this – kids, work, housework, etc. We end up tired an overworked, we take it out on our spouse. They no longer feel appreciated and then someone makes them feel that way again, that is when you are vulnerable to an affair in your marriage. Work on your marriage, put some of that dating effort into your spouse.
I have read these articles too late. I have let my self go over the lines i used to have because each time was innocent in and of itself. However, now there has been so many times with the other person (not physical, but email or discussion at work or at the gym) that I have fallen for him. My husband asked me not to see this other person anymore and although I have stoped, I cannot stop thinking about him and am broken hearted as I have never been before. Things were/are not good at home, hence the time spent with the other person. I am forcing myself to do the ‘right” thing, but am miserable to the point of barely functioning. Any one been here and survived? Anyone have thoughts as to how to stop thinking of the other person and fall in love with my husband? Please no judmental comments as I have others already offering enough of those!
AL,
It sounds to me that you are being honest with yourself and your husband. Your husband is giving you a chance. Take it. The more you focus on your relationship with your husband and anything good you can think of, it will become easier. But I have to say that time is the healer of wounds. Phil. 4:8 tells us to think on things that will help you get your thoughts in subjection. Replace those thoughts of the other man with good thoughts of your husband. Make a thankful list and keep it handy.
God will grant peace to those that ask for it.
We as humanity,have been in prision for what teachings and roles we should play…our relationships shold last, we should be commited,we should be faithfull.And then we choose,sometimes we are victims ,sometimes we are cheaters,I think we want to be able to confined love,But love is free ,you stay because you want,but you should be able to leave,and to let go too.In this I find power.Let’s be honest,let’s face our fears.
But allways take responsability for your choices.
I used to be so judgmental about infidelity. I used to say that if someone was considering stepping out on their marriage, then they should do the other person the courtesy of leaving. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so deceitful and selfish to have an affair.
Well, last year, I had an online emotional affair. I knew I was crossing lines, but I had stopped caring. I felt like I had explained to my husband what I needed, and he wasn’t giving it to me. I needed an understanding, supportive person to talk to. I found someone online who did that.
My husband found out, we went to counseling, and while I’m sorry that infidelity ever touched our marriage, I think it finally forced me to say clearly exactly what I needed, and it made my husband sit up and listen. I don’t blame my husband one bit, but I have learned that my affair was a symptom of something BOTH of us were missing.
So, why do we all want a marriage? So we can destroy each other? What the hell has happened to everyone? It’s not about you. It’s about the good of the whole relationship. It’s about sacrificing together for what you are becoming by being together.
I just found out my significant other cheated. It’s not only the cheating, but the deceit, lying and covering up. We are not even married, yet. Now, he’s sorry. Now. he wants counceling. Now, he is sure, “I’m the one”. I’m not so sure anymore. I guess I could leave and find someone who seems better……..but just look at all the cheating in general. Would I really be any better off? When I was twenty I would have just told him to get lost. I am a little older and more experienced and I know that life will throw you some real fast curve balls. Though, a tough life doesn’t excuse it, I do still love him. He has been very remorseful. I’ve been amazed. Had he been this open to communication and attentive all along….things might have been pretty good. Maybe I can forgive him, but the memory will AlWAYS be there.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Attraction is like the wind…….love…..is a decision.
Had I paid heed to the ten commandments…..perhaps I would not be where I am at all.
God is against divorce. Marriage should be something beautiful shared by two people. but what happens when only one person wants to make it work? My husband has an ex whom I tell him “she’s your shadow” she a very difficult person. Where did love go? or did we just let it go?
Hello once again, each time I read these postings I find that I must comment. (but in a positive manner).
Sc, God is not against Divorce. (like we think) God wants people to be loving to one another. It is his wish to give each person what they heart desire. Some marriages are put together with out God ackowledgement.( meaning God did not join some couples together in marriage). When people want to get married they should ask Gods permission first. God sends you a mate if you ask for it. God will grant you a Divorce if you ask for it. God does not wish to see his people hurt. Just as stated in the bible Adulters will be dealt with. The only marriage counselor that we have is God.
Now, again it is possible to live after an affair, only if each party is willing to put in the effort to make it work.
a marriage will never survive if one is thinking of the person in which the affair was with. Again there is no excuse for people cheating. Before that desire hits you, that is your time to find strength to say no. Seek, God guidance, or who ever is you guide. It is important to remember that we are only human. At some point in your life you will make a mistake, but will you learn from the mistake, or do you get better at keeping you dark side a secret?
nine time out of ten, If a person cheats and get away with it, they will do it again, and again. (until they are finally caught). Just like a bank robber he never stop at robbing just one bank. (Why? it get good to him and he can’t stop, HE HAS NO CONTROL).
When we mature enough in our lives we gain control. That means control over our thoughts, what we say, what we do, etc. It is merely up to the person to want to change. Never in a million years will I ever defend a liar, but will defend a person who has made changes in their lives for the good of their personality.
Women, or Men if you have a gut feeling that your mate is cheating on you, chances are it is happening. What are you going to do to stop it? Yelling will not help, counseling maybe! fighting definately will not work. I suggest that you begin now saying that prayer to God to prepare you for what ever the reason you fill the way you do. Ask God to help you in this area of your life, Ask for trust, Guidance, and for God’s love and mercy! Ask God to send you to talk to the other spouse when he has prepared your heart. Ask God to remove anything from your life that it not meant to be there. He will do what you ask. Be careful what you want to know or be revealed to you because God will give you what you ask for.
God bless you all
It is now 3 years that i met this man.He was my finantial adviser and he was working with me as my client manager and iwas his client.At begining our relation ship was mostly related to our business but now it is almost 4 years that we call each other,email and meet each other .He is very nice man and i do like him and i do enjoy his company.I am married since 27 years and he is maried too.I am not sure if his wife dose know about our relationship.My husband dose know that ii do email him and sometimes i do meet him.My husband dose not know about the content of email or where we meet and what do we say when we see each other.Iam so worry that one day he is going to leave me and we are not going to see each other.Do you think is it something wrong with this type of relation ship?
IS IT WRONG AS A MARRIED WOMEN TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN?WE LIKE EACH OTHER COMPANY AND WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER.
I can only imagine what the hurt feels like to have your partner actually confess, but one good thing is that you finally have the proof and you can try to move on. I think it is better than suspecting and suspecting strongly without any proof. That is what is happening to me and I cannot move beyond this time, I thought my marriage was affair proof little did I know. Now the trust is gone, the hurt lingers and until there is an admission it is all in my mind. To all those women who have proof and are willing to forgive, I salute you, I hope you have a better marriage than the shell of a one that I have got.
most of what ive read is that of the male having an affair….
this makes me sad behond belief.. i had an affair on my partner of 25yrs
husband of 10..i messed all our lives up and i would never had seen it coming
i was a fool …lots of other issues around this but if i could look back and see the devasastion i have caused i would never have went out that night..when a man
spoke to me in a bar and without even questioning my self worth i slept with him 2 days later then again on an overnight trip away from home….i lied and lied i am so sorry now
it is very true but i just didnt think of the full picture i loved my life before now its gone……….