She Wants More Sex Than He Does
Dear Dr. Parrott,
We all know that the stereotypical relationship includes a sex-starved man and a wife who can take it or leave it. But in my home, the roles are reversed. We’ve got two children and a pretty normal relationship, but when it comes to sex my husband would rather mow the lawn! Perhaps because he is so disinterested, I crave sex with him. I could easily do it every day, and his attitude is a blow to my self-esteem.
I’ve asked him about it. He doesn’t say much of anything. I ask, “Am I attractive to you?” He says yes. I feel like I’m in pretty good shape for a 49-year-old who has had two children, but nothing works to turn him on. What am I supposed to do with this situation?
Ann-Marie
Dear Ann-Marie,
You’re right. Most of the modern self-help media assumes that married men can’t get enough, and I believe that most men wish they could have more sex with their wives. But your situation isn’t rare by any means. There are many variables that would affect my response to your question, so let me give you a general statement about this kind of challenge in a relationship.
First off, low sex drive in either men or women can be medical in nature. If certain hormones are imbalanced or too low, the libido will be adversely affected. Some medical conditions may affect your husband’s ability to perform in bed, which may cause him to avoid sex. In addition, various medication can have a pronounced affect on sex drive. So, before you begin to discuss relationship dynamics, it is important that your husband visit a doctor and get examined.
Don’t be surprised if he is unenthusiastic about this doctor visit. Many people hate seeing a doctor unless they are extremely ill, and when someone has a diminished desire for sex, getting the problem fixed may be a low priority. If this is the case with your husband, it’s up to you to talk with him and explain that this is very important to you. You will obviously want to treat the conversation with the delicacy that it deserves, but don’t shrink from the task.
If your husband has been cleared medically, it’s time to consider other causes.
1. Stress
For many people, the stresses of work and daily life are tremendous. Individuals who carry large amounts of pressure for weeks and months on end often experience sexual problems. It could be that your husband is dealing with this kind of pressure and, if he is, it is also possible that he is keeping it from you. Many men see admitting to emotional stress as a weakness they are loath to show, even to their wives.
I think it’s important that you create the opportunity to get away from your daily routine and spend time together alone. A weekend trip is a good start. This isn’t a cure-all for a partner who is steeped in stress, but you’ll begin to see whether his responsibilities are playing a role in his diminished sexual interest. As a side note, if he claims he is too busy to go away for the weekend, you will have a sure clue as to his state of mind.
2. Relationship Problems
Contrary to what many people think, men have feelings too! Experiencing new levels of conflict, communication breakdowns or marital troubles could cause a more sensitive person to shut down sexually. Of course, usually women need emotional closeness in order to desire sex, but there’s no reason things can’t work the same way for men. Often sexual problems are just symptoms of the real issues between two people. So spend some time thinking about your relationship and your current challenges. Talk to your husband about these hurdles and see if this has a positive impact on your sex life.
3. Monotony
Human beings crave variety in almost every area of life. Given the exact same stimulus repeatedly, most people eventually ignore it completely. Some couples develop a sexual “order of events” that becomes routine and breeds boredom. The great news about this kind of problem is that most couples just need a little inspiration to break out of their old habits. (And there are dozens of great books to help married couples enjoy greater variety in the bedroom.)
4. Physical Issues
This is a delicate issue, so I want to move forward carefully, but the simple fact is that sexual desire is affected by physical attractiveness—not just your physical attractiveness, but HIS as well. Anyone who experiences a drastic change in body type could respond with a diminished sex drive. Ask yourselves these two questions:
a) Has either of us experienced a significant change in body type over the last few months?
b) When our sex life was healthy and frequent, were our body types considerably different?
It’s important to be honest and sensitive when dealing with these issues. Couples of all sizes have great sex lives. You’re simply trying to gauge if the change in frequency occurred in concert with a change in body type for either of you. Of course, the most difficult conversation may be with a husband who has gained weight and is depressed and sexually disinterested.
Overall, be kind. Be loving. Let your partner know that you’re willing to help him whenever and however he’s ready to work on this challenge. Best of luck!
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72 Responses to “She Wants More Sex Than He Does”
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My husband and I just got married last month on the 5th of June and he’s in the army and I kind of understand that he’s under a lot of stress because he’s deploying in like less than 2weeks but everyday he comes in and walks right pass me and get online and sometimes stay there until he goes to bed now I really,really love him but he just ignore’s me and I really don’t like that. How do you suppose I correct this problem?
Ashley, I know just what you’re going through. My husband was the same way and I often felt hurt, rejected, and very disappointed. It turned out my husband is addicted to the internet. We have never really resolved the problem although he’s much better than when we were first married (we’ve been married only 3-1/2 years). That lack of resolution has become a pattern in our relationship that causes us a lot of hardship. So it isn’t just the addiction that has to be addressed; but the way in which it is addressed is also very important. You can not correct the problem because it is your husband’s, not yours. I supported my husband by attending counselling sessions with him. I hope it helps for you to know that you and your husband are not alone.
Find out what it is that is occupying his interests on the computer….then disconnect the computer…take it out of the house…and become his interest…lovingly…seductively…and genuinely…no whining, no crying, no yelling…be calm and mysterious….good luck.
I honestly think it is basically because men, much like women, lose interest in something they have had or can have at anytime. They take full advantage of that. I feel “you do not know what you have until it is gone” is a very good phrase for this situation.
I’m in a marriage where after a few months of ardor, my husband suddenly switched off. We have jointly explored in couples work…etc.etc. and our doctor had actually prescribed viagra which, despite my husband’s “metabolic disorder” affliction in his early 60’s age, he is healthy enough to use. Tragically it’s a much bigger story and there has been no way of reaching him. I am a mental health professional, not that that means that I can make it all ok, but what it means is that I have finally come to understand that I mean something different to him than a wife and woman. I am his “mother” and no man wants to have sex with his mother. All the awareness..and attempts at couples’ therapy etc. are for naught. I am learning to resign myself, but I am posting this just to say that sometimes there are issues that are insoluble, and somehow you find a way of loving your partner AND learn to make a life despite the loneliness and emptiness of the marriage.
Find the right time to discuss with him that this concerns you (without sounding judgemental or demeaning). He may very well need some down time as soon as he gets home from work, but it shouldn’t be all night every night. tell him you would like some time with him, and even ask him to agree to times that the both of you agree upon. Also, make sure you have some fulfilling things to do in your own personal time so that you’re not waiting for him to get home. I would also suggest a marriage support group (church, on base, at a local organization…or even online), and/or even counseling as a newly married couple.
Acknowledge with him that you understand he needs his personal quiet time, but that you would also like to be a part of his time too.
Thought I was one of the few breaking the stereotype out there. That men want sex and think about sex 10 x more often than women can’t be true. I seem to think of it alot, though. I don’t know how often or if my husband thinks about sex, I do think he chooses to keep it under control which equals – no reaction at all. He’s so controlled that he never approaches me or the subject matter and gets flushed when he sees anything on tv or any mention of sex. We manage to have sex maybe once in 4-6 months, but it is a disappointing affair because he lasts all of five minutes, saying it’s because he “hasn’t done it in so long” and is usually very content while I’m about to explode with dissatisfaction. He doesn’t offer to satisfy me in another way, that would be too much to ask. So, I just have to deal with it and cool down, hoping that maybe later he’ll come back. I agree with the article that your self confidence gets a blow. You wonder about your own attractiveness to him (other men will give many appreciative glances and looks) and why on earth you are with a husband who doesn’t seem to like you at all. When asked he will say that he loves me. I can’t work it out and I’m very frustrated. Any ideas, tips or suggestions…?
It’s amazing how many women are in the same boat. I, too, have been in a marriage that my husband doesn’t want or seem to even need sex. We make love about once every 2 to 3 months, only at the persistence of me. It often ends up leaving me more frustrated than when we began. We have been married for almost 9 years and had made a commitment before we were married to not have sex before we were married, so much to my shagrin when I had to beg for it on our honeymoon, the red flags flew high. Unfortunately, he hasn’t wanted to address it or deal with it in therapy and it has been an area of frustration for our entire marriage. We have one son and I plan on staying with my husband until my son is grown and off to college, however it’s the time now that gets really lonely. As time goes on, I have become angrier and angrier and that doesn’t make me happy. I still work on myself and keep myself busy with working, schooling, and karate, it’s just not the same as connecting with the person you love.
Talking is everything and so very difficult but for us is the key. Also I noted that my partners nutrition was not so great so I put him on herbs, vitamins and cooked more healthy food to help with his drive. This definately helped. Also I make “just about him” nights where he does not have to reciprocate in any way. This takes the pressure off of him (which he has plenty of at work anyway) and lets me be in control of the mood setting and timing. With other partners I have used this tack to keep them from “rushing” through things and also showing them what receiving and feeling good can really be like. I’ve also learned some gentle assertiveness by moving his hands where I want them if he is done and I am not can also work sometimes.
But none of these other things would work if I hadn’t a) been willing to compromise on my twice a day nature for him, b) we weren’t willing to create good communication on this subject and c) he wasn’t willing to let me be assertive sometimes and take the lead. I was very frustrated while waiting for him to initiate sex often cause he’d make out with me but then quit. AHH!! Now I know from our conversations the things I can do to signal that I want to move on to the other bases and encourage us to have sex.
If its the right lover – its worth the work, both personally and together, to find a happy medium.
Ashely, from a man’s perspective: If you really want to infuriate him, unplug and remove the computer without his express cooperation. Even in that situation, only do it if he volunteers that particular solution.
Talk with him as has been suggested a number of times — don’t talk at him. Get his full attention. Men (some of us, at least) are capable of listening and to some extent understanding spoken words. OK, sometimes pictures work better but we are not all dolts.
He needs something that he gets from his computer — interaction with something he perhaps thinks he can control, that requires little emotional investment, that is safe, that is non threatening. The need differs from one person to the next. You may find out by talking to him about what he has looked at, participated in etc. Don’t acuse, just ask. Men want connection at an intelectual level, emotional level and physical level but we differ from how women feel those same needs.
Do not hesitate to ask him to go to counseling with you. The greatest mistake is to put that off as a last ditch effort to salvage whatever you have together. I made that mistake…
Don’t ass.u.me anything. Try not to just react, take well thought out steps to get him away from Internet Explorer. If you can find out what it is he needs (HINT: He may have no clue what it is!!) then you have a huge advantage. If he is doing something wrong online, confront him. Don’t shame him — if he is doing what he shouldn’t be, he will be ashamed. (If not then the problems are indeed serious and counseling is essential, not an option.)
He needs you. He may need to grow up; some of us never do. He may need a 2 by 4 upside the haid, but do what ever you can with whatever outside help you can to show him that.
I think it is really great to see all the ideas people are throwing out there. I really know what you are going through, because I’m right know I’m going through it. Idon’t know how to talk to him about it. What is really upsetting is that I’ve actually looked up some of the sights and He says he is looking for another relationship, that he is single. It really is upsetting and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried talking to him but he says it just internet and I don’t understand. We have been together for 5 years going on 6 and I don’t want to give up on that. I find my husband very attractive still and love him with all my heart. So if you can give me some ideas on how to approach this subject I would really appreciate it.
My heart goes out to all you ladies struggling with this. I think it is one of the hardest things to deal with because it affects so many areas of the marriage. I have been in this place for MANY years and I can really identify with Janet when she says “but I am posting this just to say that sometimes there are issues that are insoluble, and somehow you find a way of loving your partner AND learn to make a life despite the loneliness and emptiness of the marriage.”
HOWEVER, I would like to encourage all you younger couples who do not have children yet to FACE THIS PROBLEM NOW! I didn’t make an issue of it early in my marriage because I thought that things would get better as he became more comfortable with sexuality. It has never gotten better, it has only gotten worse… We are still married because of our children and because our relationship is good in so many other ways. But unless you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with the pain of this situation, take action now. Don’t end up in a sexless marriage like I have.
I am so glad I came across this article. It’s frustrating because there’s not much out there for us women in this situation. My husband seems to have no libido. However, there is no problem with arousal when I work on him. But he hasn’t initiated in several months. What drives me mad is there is no kissing and such. I arouse him, I give him pleasure, then we have sex. The last few times I’ve tried to make out with him, he gets giggly and doesn’t want to do it. Then I’m crying, he asks for me to give him time. Then I see evidence around that he’s been pleasing himself once in awhile. It makes me so mad. I try to cook better food, and try to get him to take vitamins, but it’s like pulling teeth! I think about this every day. And when we do have sex, it just makes me more frustrated because it isn’t at all how I want it, and how it used to be. But he ensures he loves me, and is attracted to me, and wants to make love to me, and that it’s not me, that it’s him. Plus his job makes him tired all the time. But sometimes I think it’s just straight laziness. I get really bummed out. And he’ll ask me what is wrong, and I’ll say “same thing that’s always wrong.” We have no problem being affectionate or cudling or quick pecks on the lips a few times a day. But other than that, it’s sleep, work, eat, watch tv, and that’s it.
Ashley,
Don’t feel bad regarding the situation because you don’t know exactly what is going on? While he is at work do some investigating regarding that computer and figure out what is so interesting for your husband to completely shut down and doesn’t want to engage into any interaction with you. Also, if your husband was deployed in Iraq maybe he is going through some sort of stress factor. Ashley, fight for you marriage not yelling and accusing but get to the root of the problem, sit down and assess the situation and try to find a solution. Good luck
Lisa – I know yours is a response – but you need to know that it is not JUST the internet. That’s what my husband said before he had an affair with someone he met JUST on the internet. Don’t give up, but don’t let things go either.
Wow, what a relief that I am not the only one with this problem. My situation is slightly different, because my husband and I have NEVER had a healty sex life. I married my “best friend” for security, dependibility and trust, hoping that the passion and sex part would come with time. Boy was I wrong! Now I have been married 8 years in a unaffectinoate, passionless, almost sexless marriage. I can deal with it if I am very busy, but the ties when I am not, I am so lonely and sad that this is my life. My self esteem is all but shot, and when I see our married friends complimenting each other and showing loving affection, I literally get so sad and upset I get sick to my stomach. I am so lonley and I am angry at myself to have thought that I could live without the physical attention. We have been to therapy, both couples and individual to no avail. Does anybody have an opinion on this? Is being in a marriage sich as this grounds for divorce? Or am I supposed to live like this for the rest of my life? I struggle with this question every day.
Ashley, My DH spent a year in Iraq, and he did sort of the same thing before he left. I’m pretty sure with him, it was a protective thing, like he was disconnecting from me so that it would be easier when it came time to leave. I think with soldiers, everything is different, they don’t fit the mold of civilian life. It may be problems with the internet, or many other things, but I would try discussing the deployment and what he’s feeling, and letting him know that in the long run, this is going to hurt both you and him more. My husband just ended up feeling guilty that he didn’t take more time with “us” before he left. Good Luck, I know its hard, but you’ll both get through it.
Finally, someone going thru the same thing as me! I’ve tried everything! This has been ongoing in our marriage(married almost 4 years). I could easily have sex everyday, but I’m lucky if I can get it once a month, and that’s always me initiating. We’ve had endless communication over it, talks arguments, counselling, you name it. He always has an excuse, he’s tired, he’s stressed, he’s getting older now (he’s only 45), he’s pissed off, and on and on and on. I take care of myself, he says I’m a good wife and that he loves me, but , as the song says, “I can’t get no satisfaction”. I hope you find the answer. I love my husband but I have needs. I’ve even thought of taking a lover on the side, how crazy is that?!
It isn’t you, it’s him. I know that’s hard to swallow. My husband has a very low sex drive also. He used to be on the computer all the time too. I believe that is a form of immaturity and not having your priorities straight when you want to be on the computer more than you want to be with your wife. You are not doing anything wrong as far as I can tell from what you have told us. It hurts a lot when your husband does not want you and you feel undesirable and it affects your self esteem.
I am 52 and this subject has haunted me for years, thru 2 marriages. My second, current husband is 46. His sex drive dropped off about 4-5 years ago. After seeing several doctors, we read The Testosterone Syndrome by Dr. Eugene Shippen. My husband was tested (testosterone levels), and we found out he has secondary hypogonadism, which affects about 8-10% of all adult men. A brain dysfunction results in no signal to the testes to produce testosterone. No T — no sex drive. He began treatment with hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin) injections 3xweekly. The difference has been amazing. He feels younger, has gone back to working out regularly, and his sex drive is back. But remember, this condition only affects 8-10% of men. If it’s physical (as my hubby’s problem was), it may also be primary hypogonadism, which affects just about all men beginning around age 40. In this version, men’s testosterone production slowly declines each year, resulting in lowered sex drive that eventually the man notices. And since men are reluctant generally to deal with such issues, it might be pretty bad before he is willing to see a doctor. This is the so-called male andropause. Either way, I believe the first step is a good medical examination including thorough blood tests. I recommend Dr. Shippen’s book. It was a lifesaver for us. When my husband’s T levels were low, he had no sexual thoughts thru the day and did not react in any way to seeing women or being physically close to me. Now that his levels are back where they should be, he has “thoughts” on and off all day long, and his reactions to me physically are “all man.” We are learning so much about how the brain affects our physical health, and how problems we once thought were purely “emotional” may in fact have an actual physical basis. In this case, that turned out to be the root cause of our sexual frequency problems. Good luck and perserverance to all.
I’m right there with you!! I have been married for 18 years and my husband hardly ever wants to have sex. He is very stressed at work and he NEVER has time for me. He works all day and does homework all night, sometimes until 3 or 4:00 AM.(he has online college courses). I love my husband and want to spend time with him but he just doesn’t even seem to want to fit me into his schedule. It makes me feel like it’s me!!
finally, few articles are ever written regarding this subject. I am too young to give up having sex. I have been married 5 years and I am always doing the requesting, initiating, begging. The rejection is unbearable. 1 initial clue was on our honeymoon ..my husband invited me to our room for some sexing. when I arrived 10 minutes later he told me he just jerked hismself off..because I took too long…and would take care of me later.This set the stage for what I experience on a regular basis. Its not important. Its not a priority. I am deeply saddened. I dont know what I can do. It feels like betrayal on some level. He takes blood pressure meds, drinks and smokes pot. which is further insulting. He is a sucessful biz person, where $$ comes first and everything else follows. Does anyone have any advice? I think this is a symptom of a larger issue, inability to resolve personal issues, there is a history of mental illness on his side. father and suicide, depression, I am already in therapy. We have just come to the conclusion…how much longer can this go on? when do i leave?
Wow. All I can say is “ditto”.
My husband and I had a great sex life…which ended abruptly 5 months after our wedding. We’ve now been married for 5 years and we’re having what can best be described as “awkward” sexual encounters maybe 3-4 times a year. We’ve tried counseling and he’s been diagnosed with everything from depression to hypo-mania to low testosterone. He’s practically a walking drug store. However, he has yet to make any personal changes in his behavior beyond popping Prozak (or the pill du jour). Until he wants this to change it never will.
Anyway… take heart sisters. There are a lot of us out here. Oddly enough, most of my married, female friends are in the same boat. Wish I had the answer!
I am a young woman and always wanted to marry someone who makes me happy not only emotionally but also physically, I feel like I am not atractive to him anymore, he doens’t touch me as I would like him to do when we are in bed, I would like him to make me love more often not just 1 or 2 times a month, sex it is important for me and I think for everybody as human beings, but it seems that he doens’t care about my feelings since I already told him about this situation, and doenst do anything to fix up this problem, Why do a young, atractive and 31 year old woman has to beg his young 38 year old husband for love, attention, afecction and SEX????
Thanks for sharing. The info. about low testosterone was useful. Also, it helps to know that I’m not the only one with an effected self-esteem over this. It does get complex when your relationship is outstanding in the friendship area.
Wow! To know I am not alone helps but not a great deal. We have been married 34 years and there has been no sex for the past 4 years. One day everything just stopped. I have tried on occassion to speak to my husband gently about this but he won’t have any part of it. Once we spoke about it and I asked if it was me and he got very upset and said he just had no urge for sex. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor but to no avail. It is sad, but true, if you are young in your marriages, don’t wait, time has a way of slipping by and one day you won’t care anymore either.
Low Testerone or not the real issue here is not about men’ sexual drive but about how loving they can be given the right mate who understands their physical condition without so much as visiting a doctor, as we have not visited a doctor for 31 years to bring up issues like penile dysfunction or waning sex drive either myself or my spouse’s as good verbal communication is a better intercourse than the physical intercourse between a man and a woman, as the soul at peace with its mate is what every couple yearns for whether one is oversexed or the other way round as our drive is only very pressing when we do not have a family from the relationship; meaning children issuing from the wedlock, but once the union is complete, and a family is raised and the children has assumed their role as citizens of the world, there is only the two of us to share our lives with, so let’s get on with it.
I am amazed by the number of responses as I suppose I am living in the reverse world and arrived here in the hope of finding something non-gender specific that would at least help me too understand. I have had many girlfriends over the years, some lasting 4-5 years, others 3 months and while we only really did ‘it’ once or twice a week when we first met and I should have seen the ‘writing on the wall’ I married the one that felt so right some 10+ years ago. Many of these sites state that after childbirth the woman’s libido drops, after two children its now at 3 times a year and then she climaxes in under 10mins with very little stimulation and its more mechanical than passionate. I used to ask for ‘it’ … and not neccessarily penatrative, twice a week and get rejected. Self esteem goes into the tank, affecting work, self belief, sleep, eating, I feel ugly and unwanted, not needed in fact.
Now I do not ask at all, leave it too change, its has settled down to 3 times a year at a lot of DIY, we are now in separate bedrooms and I feel like a relative helping to look after the children who lives in the same house. I asked her to join me for marriage councelling, we did it for 12 weeks … it helpd with the communication, but not the affection. I have signed myself off as this is how marriage is. Someone once said if you put a 50p (I’m in UK) in a glass for every bonk you get before marriage you will never empty it if you take one out for every bonk after marriage. Of course it did not help either when my 1998 Birthday bonk became my daughter and my 2000 Christmas bonk became my son, in that case it was two bonks in two years and two children. I am encouraged that there are some women who are not like this meaning that perhaps there are couples who both want ‘it’. So far I have read nothing that can help the situation for either party .. I live in hope.
Unfortunately for me, I can’t relate with this. If the wind blows, I get horny. My problem is that my wife is always making excuses for why we can’t have sex. Being an understanding man, I realize the stresses she goes through on a daily basis, but many times I feel like a tool who’s just waiting to be told that the time is right. So, no matter what I’m doing, when I get the sign the opportunity is now, I drop everything and do it.
The bad part for me is that I do have some erection issues an for me to perform like I want too, I need some help, i.e. levetra, viagra etc. The problem is that I usually don’t have time to let the pill do it’s magic so I can do mine. What’s worse, is when she says she may want too, and I take pill and then we don’t do it.
If I don’t take the pill, it’s hit or miss…sometimes it works, and sometimes it don’t. When it doesn’t work, there is nothing more devastating to man’s ego. The bad part, is that the fear of failure, is always on my mind. Think back lady’s and ask yourself if this has ever happened to your husband. It only has to be one time, and it will mess up his head for life.
My wife and I have been together since since 1982, and when everything is right, sex is awesome! It’s just that 1-2 times per month just isn’t enough.
It sounds like Ann Marie has a somewhat “normal/healthy” marriage overall. However, I think it’s important to note some other possible causes of lack of desire: unfaithfulness and personality disorders. Hopefully this is not the case.
I mention this because in my previous marriage, my husband had a personality disorder (narcissism) in which he withheld sex for 4-6 weeks at a time. This was a control mechanism in which he shut down his physical desires in lieu of feeling in control of his life (and our relationship). It was extremely difficult for me to understand why I could be rejected repeatedly and it took much counseling to understand the situation. So I would recommend that in addition to the medical exam, the husband also get a psychological exam to rule out any other issues that might be holding him back. (Hopefully he’ll go willingly to counseling!)
Lastly, I agree with previous comments– monitor the computer and any other mechanism that might be a distraction/diversion to connecting with you sexually. Take a stand to remove any form of porn or online chatting that can be disruptive.
Give more than you take. Make a list of at least 10 things(not necessarily sexual) that you know would please him, and make it a point to do them as often as possible, check them off if you have to. Then it won’t feel like work when you do them. Then make a list of 10 things that please you, show him, tape it to the wall along with your list, and don’t keep track. This has helped us a LOT.
Counseling is one of the best things…
Make sure he isn’t resentful about something…
Give up on your resentments, appreciate what you DO receive from him…
Did I mention counseling? Don’t settle for mundane, say you want to make your relationship better and better!
I’m 21 and my husband is 19, and the letter is a perfect picture of our sex life! It’s not that my husband doesn’t care about pleasing me. He tries his best, and he feels guilty when he just isn’t in the mood. (Which is almost always.) I know I’m attractive, and while we haven’t been married a full year yet, we’ve managed to handle the problems that have come our way together.
I don’t know any statistics, but for a 19 year old male to have such a low sex drive doesn’t seem normal, and I wonder if it’s the low testosterone. I do know that for a while he was taking Creatine, a protien formula designed to build muscle mass, and while he was on it, his sex drive sky-rocketed. At one point he asked twice in the same day, and I about died of shock. (I’ve been trying to talk him into going back on it…)
I’ve been without sexual activity for over two years now, and the husband won’t discuss it, except to say that I’m being unreasonable! He’s also told me that he considers it “pressuring” if I so much as hug him or cuddle next to him in bed. So I’ve begun sleeping in another room, so as not to “pressure” him by inadvertently touching him in the night, and we’re in the process of discussing separation (which he *will* talk about).
It may be distressing for some women to contemplate this, but I wonder how many uninterested husbands are simply coming to the realization that they are in fact gay, and have been trying to avoid that admission for years. I’m beginning to think that this may explain my situation.
I relate:
I also married for security and dependablity and throught the sex would natrually follow. Every two days I think about leaving, but I like the security. So I am a yo-you.
Ashley, you are NOT alone. My husband will be leaving soon also, for Iraq, and he is really distancing himself from us. He did this the first tour also. He is getting closer to his Army buddies and they are bonding so they can do their best to keep one another alive. Our soldiers are detaching from us so they can self preserve themselves, google some Army deployment cycles and that will help you to understand what you are both feeling. Pre-deployment and post-deployment are the most stressful things you will ever go through, and really very few people really understand. Don’t be offended by others, they don’t know what it is like. I would try not to talk to a great number of people about your arguments and issues right now, just a couple select friends who will not judge you or your husband. Some will wonder how could you argue with a man who is going off to war, but they have not lived in our shoes. Once he is deployed and in country things will calm down and the emails and letters will flow and there will be calm. Just be as patient as you can and know this is a normal cycle of emotions for you both. He also has to detach some now as his leaving is so very painful that he prefers to avoid you than dwell on the love he will miss. Love him and realize that you are both heroes, you are a homefront hero.
I am really sorry to hear these stories and sagas that appear to be going on in womens lives….And that some how we still value ourselves by the way men treat us..We should be ashamed! I love my husband yet through experience I am not blinded by him nor do I make excuses for him and his behaviour.
I am a fully formed woman who knows what she likes and hoe ine might treat her.. Many men fall short of this and as nurturing species we are apt to make excuses for them. Do what you will but understand this.. If you do not and I repaet do not put your feeling and thoughts forward then you will get all the bullshit you deserve.
My husband and I met through e-Harmony. We were very upfront and honest with ourselves and with each other prior to marriage. A healthy sex life was important to both of us. We have been married almost 3 years now and our sex life is as active and exciting as it was in the beginning of our relationship. We are both in our 2nd marriages with kids, etc. We find the time and make it an individual responsibility to keep our relationship healthy..both physically and emotionally. What we found with each other through e-Harmony has continued throughout the years. Nothing has changed. We leave notes for each other almost every day to let each other know we care, cherish and respect each other wants/needs. We are very open sexually and have no problem communicating during sex. We both initate sex on a regular basis. …at least 3 times a week. We have a compatible sex drive. It’s sad to hear these other stories. Some of these couples are really missing out on what could/can be wonderful. We both work FT and are professionals and have 4 children. We are busy, but it is no excuse to not have time for each other. We don’t take each other for granted nor do we disregard the needs of the other person. We aren’t perfect, but we take the time and energy and are determined to continue to grow and learn together. It takes work, awareness and respect. Nobody does this for us. We do it for “us”.
WOW! Thank you ALL for sharing! I swore I was the most unattractive, unappealing wife, until I read all these stories! I feel so much better now knowing it’s not Just ME! My husband does initiate sex though, sometimes, mostly when I’m in my ‘ugliest’ state. Go Figure!
Ashley~
Being an Army wife as well I understand, as they say “Been there, done that” When my hubby is getting ready for a TDY we always 1. have an argument 2. not have sex for days/weeks before he leaves depending where he is going. When he has gone to Iraq – 6 times – and Afgh. 2 times – it is much worse, and the computer takes over his life as the time gets closer. Typically he’s just surfing but I think that way he doesn’t have to think about leaving and what could happen, plus worrying about you back home. Be patient, try sending him an email from a site like Hoochymail.com – and buy something for yourself to satisfy you while he is away, with lots of batteries. It is not easy and if doesn’t want to talk don’t be surprised. Good luck & God bless!!!
Hello, ladies,
This is probably not the problem in each of your marriages, but (I am now divorced) tragically, I finally discovered that my now-former husband is gay. We never had a “normal” sex life, because he really just does not respond to trying to have a marriage with a woman. I guess he married me because we got along decently, had some things in common, and so that he could pass in society as straight and not be lonely and condemned. But 20 years of limping along sexually (double meaning intended) was deadly to my self-esteem and was a lie as to what much of the basis of our relationship was all about. On top of this, we were not genuinely friends. He chose to hide who he was very carefully and to the extreme.
I would urge you to at least consider this possibility in your own relationship. Bonnie Kaye (google her) is a woman who had made available support to straight spouses of gays, if this resource is one you could benefit from. Thank you for listening; the experience was such a betrayal and heartbreak, even if I do “sympathize” with his fears. If you are in the same situation as I, you did not turn your spouse this way and it is not your fault!
It is amazing to read these responses. If anything, it does help to validate how this situation has affected my self esteem, anger issues, and depression and sometimes hopeless feelings. Without a healthy sex life, the whole picture suffers. I have been married 27 years, the last five without sex or any affection. My husband is an adult child of an acholic father, and his grandfather committed suicide. He struggles with depression, and when we were first married, I thought everything was “my fault”, but have since learned a more true picture. We were married a long time before I realized that he would rather masterbate than have sex with me. He has had problems with sex on the internet, looking at men and women. He has issues with his penis size, and is always looking at “enlargement stuff” too. We did therapy, but to no avail, because he does not want to deal with intimacy issues. He does have some physical issues, and says he is impotent, but I don’t believe him, because I find evidence of masturbation in the house. Our two older children are grown, but we have a younger special needs child. I just can’t face the parenting alone. It has become a very lonely life. If you are experiencing this, and you don’t have children yet, save yourself and get out! I do think therapy is great, if both are willing to work at it, but if not, then it will only get worse. I stayed because of the children, and that is why I still need to stay, but it is not healthy personally. I constantly struggle to take care of myself, and my health has even suffered. I am trying to “take care of me”, but it is difficult with so many demands on my life. If a guy is addicted to masturbating and the internet, and refuses to work on therapy or intamacy, it is a dead end, as painful as that may be. I wish I had had some support or people to talk to 27 years ago. It might have made a difference for me. I hope this will make a difference for someone to either get help, or get out before children are involved.
In one sense it was comforting to read how many couples have a less than satisfying sex life ,in that they share many similarities to my marriage,however, on the other hand it saddened me how many women have given up and resigned themselves to this feeling of emptiness.It is also apparent how many smart women are out there-those who do not blame themselves.Although,that is our initial reaction until after much reassurance from our husbands that it is not us.I have managed to get my husband to visit a Dr.,after I explained the natural physical responses to aging and that men as well as women need a hormonal boost,he then made an app. and we are now awaiting the results.I am praying that he will feel better soon upon taking testosterone,and our sex life can resume,because I miss it terribly.I am also anxious in that I do not know what I should/will do if he does not respond as we are hoping.I strongly believe that everyone is capable of having sex if all physical and psychological matters are seen to (except perhaps paralysis).So I will not give up until I have exhausted all that ails him or myself,then and only then will I consider seperating because then I will know he wont change because he lacks interest in doing so.I f all goes well it will be like when we first started dating-cant wait!!
Honestly – knowing that I am not alone with his low (or better to say lack of) sex drive is helping, but not much. All of us have their own issues, depressive states of mind, sucidal felings… am I right ?
Sure I am.
With my husband we are married for last 8 months but we knew each other one year prior to marriage.
We NEVER had sex…
I thought, I was hoping and praying that it is going to change after marriage, but it’s even worse – for last month – since we finished our basement – he is sleeping downstairs… and me, well – I am getting more and more depressed, I have – like we all do- suicidal thoughts… funny thing is that I ended one relationship where sex was like a daily excercise and I pushed myself into this new one…
Sometimes I have moments, when I regret that… but in general – I love my husband, we are fighting with his depression since pretty much beginning.. sad part – my lately developped depression seem to be completely ignored.
I lost my hope, self esteem is not there anymore, I can’t look at myself in a mirror…
He is taking pills – Remron a.k.a. Mitrazepine – his doctor sayin’, that it’s not suppose to affect his sex drive… and I bet it does not.
I could write and write, but that’s not the point – it’s good to know that I am sharing this bad days (months? years?) with you. Thanks
I loved Paul’s response! It’s so true! The less words, the better and try to help create ‘word pictures’ to communicate to your husband.
Last year, we went 9 months without sex. i don’t think my husband even kissed me for six of those 9 and I just mean a simple peck on the cheek. I was having a hard time with our four children(three are young teens)and he was frustrated that he was unable to resolve the problems between all of us. Part of the problem involved ‘growing up’ on his behalf(and the lack of parenting) but, I never realized that he was internalizing all of this and it drove him away from me. As a matter of fact, he got mad at me tonight because I told him we needed some bug killer for my outside plants and I think he felt as though I was trying to do ‘his’ job rather than caring for the inside of the home. He said “You don’t like for me to do the laundry and I don’t want you telling me how to care for our yard.” Needless to say, he went to bed without speaking to me.
Having 4 children can also be challenging when it comes to alone time…we are rarely alone and rarely have the time. We have no family in the area and haven’t been out on a ‘date’ since the kids got out of school in May! Pray for us please. With God all things are possible and I KNOW He is the great healer of hearts!
I spent ten years in a sexless marriage. We never-ever had intercourse, just cuddles and some intimacy. I was not permitted to become more than a little aroused or I would be told I was “behaving like an animal”! She did everything she could to put me off and now know I was incredibly patient with her. After a few years my normally fairly calm temperament began to get the better of me. Then in the eleventh year when in a very distressed state I calmly told her something had to be done or I might end up going off with someone else, we finally split up. She complained very strongly that I was far too controlling and made some very strong false allegations against me, with the result that friends mostly supported her and condemned me.
My marriage experience drove my self-esteem down and down, to the very edge of suicide, but I guess I was married to a sexually abused woman. She had come to the edge of telling me about it. Many years on now, I am about to remarry and have no concerns at all about my future wife’s sex drive even though we are saving ourselves for marriage. We have discussed sex and sexuality in depth and have set a clear basis for our sexual future, our hopes and expectations. If she had a problem with my sex drive becoming insufficient for her I would expect her to raise the subject, drag me off to the doc for checks, counselling etc.
I am anti-divorce, I still am. At the time I even opposed my own divorce to that woman, but don’t be so selfless that you get as low as me before doing something about the problem. I should have divorced her years earlier, before my self-esteem became so very low. Sex drive is completely natural, denying it constantly does you no good at all.
My husband has had a low libido since we met in 1978. Over the years, sex has been a very low priority for him. Except recently his health has changed, which has amplified his already low libido. Is there hope for an already straved sex marriage? My sexual advances have been a turn off then and now. He loves me, we never cheated on each other, but still minimal sex over the years. I am beautiful, in shape, sexual, cofident, own two business, financially well off, social etc….. seems like I have it all except one thing out of my control, his libido. HELP!
Well I’m not in an empty boat like I thought. However, my husband blaims me for being heavier than when we meet and I am. But even when I lost about half of what I needed to, it didn’t make any difference with him. I did feel better. He just says I need to lose weight without giving me any goal/ideal weight for him. So it’s hard for me to get motivated to do anything about it when I feel their won’t be a “reward”. I hate to admit it, but I have had thoughts of having an affair-not sure who with, but in the area I live in there are plenty of heafty women-I’m sure not everyone is going without sex because they are overweight. I do wonder if it is really his problem, since a few years ago I saw some Viagra in the bathroom. It’s been almost 2 years since we had sex. We have little pecks in the am and pm, but not much else other than a few hugs now and then. We had a great sex life in the short time period we dated and even following the birth of our only child. However, he wasn’t very interested while I was pregnant. He claims to also be stressed at work and I know that is true. Maybe is hormones are low too. I’m going to suggest that he get them tested at the next Dr. visit. But until then and apparently until I lose about 40 lbs, I guess I’ll be in the clan of sexless women. I am terribly lonely and depressed about my marriage.
Well, as a single woman, reading all these challenges is so sad. At the same time, it brought some ideas to mind so here goes.
contact the International Marriage Encounter Group and drag your mate with you–they have weekends all over the US and you learn how to communicate with each other.
Learning how to communicate better will improve all your relationships, work, home, family, friends.
Married Ladies & Married Men who want more intimacy in your lives:
Get in shape for yourself, so you can live longer and enjoy your children and grandchildren.
As I recall, an unconsumated marriage can be annulled, so go get an annullment and save the heartbreak of divorce.
Make better marriage choices, get counseling for yourself. Discover your own faults and correct them.
Become the best person you can be and the emotionally, spiritually, physical healthy people will find you.
Love yourself and you’ll find many people being attracted to you.
Get a massage on a regular basis (if you don’t have the money then go back to school and get a better education so you can get a better job and earn more money to afford the massages on a regular basis–or trade some work with a massage therapist and you won’t need any money).
Stop being a victim. Why did you chose this person to marry in the first place? Were you afraid that no one else would want you? Were you afraid you couldn’t take care of yourself?
We all have so much love to offer the world around us that it is just a big loss of love when married couples can’t communicate and this is suppose to be the core of our society.
No wonder there are so many conflicts in the world, when we can’t seem to solve the most intimate confict in the place where we are suppose to be the most safe and loved.
Well, I’ll get off my soap box. I’m hopeful that will work you can all find the solutions to your individual challenges and I will prayer for you all. God didn’t create us for this kind of “Hell on Earth”. May you be loved both here on Earth and well as in Heaven.
Sorry, Joan, but your suggestions wouldn’t work for many of the women who’ve posted here.
“Drag your mate” to a Marriage Encounter Weekend? Please. Forcing someone who decidedly doesn’t want or intend to communicate to one of these would be a disaster! And ME says up front that they are designed to enhance communication in basically sound marriages, not fix totally dysfunctional ones.
Your other suggestions verge on placing “blame” on the wife – she should stop acting a certain way, or adjust her attitude. The problem is the husband’s attitude and sexual hang-ups, not hers.
And the suggestion that massage will fix a marriage is ridiculous, and the subsequent suggestion to “get a job” to pay for the massages is patronizing. Most wives already work – and that money would be better spent on a good attorney! The threat of divorce might send some husbands to a therapist, which is what is needd.
I wonder, where were all you women when I was looking for a wife. Honestly, I wanted someone frisky girl, but I instead ended up with a frigid wife. The funny thing is, I never knew there were such people before I met her. I just thought all people liked sex. Naive, I know, but it just seemed natural to me to want it a lot so I assumed most people were like that. We waited until we were married to have sex, not easy, but I did out of moral convictions and I thought she was just doing the same thing, waiting for moral reasons. What a surprise to find that really she could take it or leave it. Don’t misunderstand, I wasn’t a virgin. But at some point I decided to not have sex with just anyone anymore and I decided to get married first. Wow!! Why didn’t I meet some of you frustrated girls??!!?? Written by one frustrated guy who will now commit adultery because he was trying to do the ‘moral’ thing in the first place. Go figure!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, boy… where do I start? Well, my husband and i have been married almost 2 years (we dated for 8 1/2 years before we got married). I was divorced for about 3 1/2 years before we started dating). He is my second marriage…I am his first… His first literally with everything. His first girlfriend…his first sexual experience, his first marriage. He lived at home until he was 40. He is now 47 years old…I am 38… While we were dating (which was every weekend for the 8 1/2 years) we couldn’t get enough of each other (sexually). When we got married—-it became a different story. We have probably had sex about 10 times. We both work. He has an engineering job and I have a federal government job. I have 2 teenage daughters and 1 pre-teen son from my first marriage. Whenever sex happens—it is only when ‘he’ wants it…if I want it and initiate it—-I am being rejected (ie. being pushed away/told he is too tired or uninterested right now) . Our marriage is very unsatisfying to me (in the bedroom department). There is not enough ‘initimacy’ anymore. I thought (because we were like ‘rabbits’ before—that it could only get better by being around each other more often)…but …Not So. What can I do? He won’t go to counseling and won’t see a doctor. “He doesn’t have a problem; I am being a “female dog”—and that is causing him to ‘have to be abstinent’—to teach me a lesson. He comes home form work and is always in a bad mood…he always has something negative to say or a complaint to make about one of the kids. So he causes an issue with me over it…ans holds it against me—and uses that as an excuse to not have sex with me. This happens alot. I have been ‘abstained’ against 4 times already. The last time it was for 5 months…Then we resumed our sex life for 3 months (once a week)… and now it is going on 4 1/2 months. The last abstinence period—I told him “I have needs–that are “NOT” being met….and if something doesn’t happen soon—I will find a more ‘willing’ partner “on the side”….and when someone from work called me at home to see if I could cover his shift for him…he actually thought I was lining up a ‘willing partner’–which pushed him to give up his abstinence cycle. That’s ridiculous! —-when you really have to go to those great lengths to get your husband to give you a little. You are not supposed to ‘withold yourself from your spouse’. When I ask my husband if he loves me….he tells me he does…but his actions do not back it up. I love him—or I would not have ’suffered through this—to this point’ but you have to draw the line somewhere. I would not have gotten married if I knew sex was going to be used against me or ‘withheld from me’. I think a guy feels empowered when they can get you to the point where you feel you need to ‘beg’ for it. I am not about to do that—-when there could always be that “pool guy” or the “pizza boy” that may be a little better at ful-filling those kinds of needs.
Atleast I know I am not alone. I am a card-carrying member of the “No Sex -Wives Club”. Just like the rest of you ladies!
Hi Ladies.
i am 25,He is 24.We have been married for less then year. When we were dating my husband was way more sexually active then now.He is very in love ,there is nothing wrong about our relationship,he is very attentive,handsome,kind and sweet person,and I love him so much! But “sex twice in month” thing is driving me crazy.
Tried to talk about it,answer is- i am too tired,stressed at work.
Recently He told me : “i don’t want you to show me in any way that you want sex,it doesn’t turn me on “and “I know can have you anytime I want “. Simply He likes the challenge ,but at this point i am too frustrated that i can’t wait weeks for him to make a move.
Any Help here?
Alright Nancy! I am right there with you! The threat of an “unamicable” divorce is even better though. After all the garbage we women have to attempt to “deal with” when hubby is ‘having a bad day’ or feeling ‘unappreciated’….we would be well-deserving of a wonderful day at the spa—-a romantic dinner at a “high end” restaurant….and an “all-nighter” of sex (that we are soooo used to ‘not getting’ much of).
What’s happening to MEN today? Everything is “all about them”, they need constant “kudos” and a great deal of sunshine blown up their ‘cabooses’ daily, and they want a wife with a huge ‘dowry’ and a very big paying job—so SHE can take care of HIM. I thought it was supposed to be “the other way around”….. “Big baby whiners—-who cannot cope with daily stressers”…. They’re not Men; they want to be the One wearing Donna Reed’s apron and baking cookies all day….. Grow up and be men! Take care of your responsibilities…and take good care of your women!
Hopefully some helpful input from a man’s perspective…
My wife and I have this problem, been married over 15 years, it has never been a problem until the last 2 or 3. We used to have a lot of sex, but it has just trailed off over time, and it’s mostly my fault. My wife’s still very physically attractive but in a more mature, MILF like way. I have a fairly stressful job, she doesn’t work, and by the time our older kids are in bed, I’m often too tired to try and initiate sex. It’s not that if she initiates it, I’ll reject it, even if she’s waking me up from a sound sleep for it – I may not be as active as I would be if I weren’t so tired, but I don’t have any problem getting aroused for it even under those circumstances.
She wants me to INITIATE and that’s where her frustration comes from. There’s also a lot of chicken and egg to it – she’s frustrated so we fight, or we end up yelling at one of the kids and spoiling one or both of our moods, then nothing happens. Because she’s frustrated, she can be really nasty to me, and that doesn’t make me want to pursue her for sex – my feeling is that we’ve been together a very long time, we shouldn’t be playing games after all this time, if one of us wants sex we should just let the other one know, and not in some subtle, “didn’t you pick up my signals?” kind of a way.
I think there’s also an element of familiarity or boredom to it and we need to find ways to spice things up. I’m making an effort to try and look at her more sexually. We used to occasionally watch some porn but I don’t want her to feel like I’m using porn to spice things up because she’s not good enough. When she was really horny she bought a vibrator but says she’s only used it once and I told her I’d like to use it on her, and she’d normally go along with that, but she wouldn’t because again, she’s angry and frustrated which makes her uncooperative, which again spirals things in the wrong direction.
We have no issues with me not lasting long enough – kind of the opposite. I don’t have any problems getting or maintaining an erection but I don’t climax easily, and I never have – sounds like a good thing for the woman, right? She wants me to climax inside her, which sometimes helps her get a climax, but sometimes I just can’t – not enough motion or friction, or the wrong motion, or something. Again, I sure don’t want to insult her by implying that there’s something wrong with her structure. I also have a very slight back of mind concern that she could somehow get pregnant a third time, which neither of us wants, although she’s in her mid forties and on the pill, so the odds are so minute – but I could just see that being my bad luck.
I want her to climax when she can, not wait for me to climax – I tell her that if she can get off, go for it and get it while she can, and again, it’s not some game where we have to climax together. I have no objection to her finishing me off with her hand or finishing with my own hand with her or on her.
I need to find a way to engage her in spicing things up, with some porn or role playing or toys or something, but in a way that doesn’t insult her or threaten her. I will look at other women especially if they’re provacatively dressed, I will look at porn on the internet, but that doesn’t mean I’d cheat on my wife and I never have – it’s just the variety and the voyeurism. I don’t believe that I can fight the desire so that my wife is the only woman I see and that will fix everything – foregoing masterurbation or porn – I need to be able to bring her into that overall picture somehow.
For wives with guys who surf porn or are in chat rooms, you need to find a way into their world and navigate them back to you. I ask myself why I shouldn’t let my wife in – we’ve looked at some porn together on the computer, but it’s been a very long time. If you find your husbands engaging in those practices, find a way to work your way in. Don’t confront and scold like you’re his mother, find a way to participate so that even if he uses those as a turn-on, he’s with you for sex, you know what he’s doing, and hopefully he’ll get closer to you instead of retreating away.
I’d be interested in any of the women’s thoughts on this.
Well, you know reading some of your all situtions. I still feel like I have been cheated in my marriage. We have been together for 18 years(married) The first six months or our relationship was wonderful, but after that, I was lucky if he made love to me once a week, now it has been 2 years. I caught him masterbating the other day and it really killed me inside. I wanted to leave, but I asked him why, and all he could say is I do want to make love to you, but he still doesn’t. I have never refused him of love making, but he has rejected me so many times. I am so confused about all of this. Our marriage is wonderful except the love making. Maybe you can enlight me on our sitution.
Hello all,
I read the comments, and just wanted to add something from a man’s perspective.
Primary points:
Sex drive could be reduced by stress as others pointed out. It doesn’t have to be another woman..
Men have emotions too!!! Sex, I believe, is the ultimate form of love, and is more than just intercourse. Its about sharing emotions – bonding even more… So conflicts during the day, and patching up at night just for sex doesn’t work!!!!
Some details:
To begin with, I am 28, married for 1.5 years. Physically, everything is fine, but work is stressful and tiring, and I don’t really want to have sex every night! I like to sit with my wife, and cuddle, but it seems all she wants is sex. (We have been having sex twice a week on average)
We have been having problems from the get go where I think she constantly nags me, and when she doesn’t get what she wants (sex, constant attention, etc.) she gets mad, visibly sulks away, and does not talk openly with me. That has caused a reduction in my sex drive too…
Seems too basic? but this is just the tip of the iceberg – we have some many other resentments, that I think we will be breaking up soon…
Any comments will be appreciated..
Reply to anna from what a guy might think:
I am in a similar boat (I am a guy (28), and sex is about twice a week, but way too less for the wife).
Give him some time, and cuddle with him, hug him, just don’t be overt in your sexual tones. You might want to have a special night dress that you wear and sit with him………
Show him the path, and let him walk it – I would love that
I think alot of people, woman and man, didn’t realise how important a sex life is (like breathing is important) until they lost it.
That means at the start of the relationship, they never said anything like “Having sexual intimacy X number of times a week is vital for an honest relationship. If it’s not there, that relationship is over”
Because if you had, and they don’t, then it’s cheating on a relationship, just like adultery is cheating on a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, you could still work something out, like some couples get over adultery. But it would be a CLEAR and PRESENT fact that they had cheated.
Here it isn’t – they haven’t cheated, even though your clearly hurting (down to feeling suicidal in some cases)
In fact to try and add this rule afterward is cheating. They have followed the rules that were layed out, and those rules allow for not having a/any serious sex life. That is within the rules between you and they are playing fair.
You might think I’m beating on you, I’m not. Think of that black lady (I’m terrible, I forget the name) back when white and black were segregated, who sat at the front of the bus (the back was full) when that was against the rules. Because her feet hurt.
No, it wasn’t because her feet hurt. At a higher level, it was because it was WRONG for her to have to walk.
But she could have walked – could have decided that it was right for her to miss out on a seat.
You’ve discovered you need a sex life like you need air. Now decide whether that comes BEFORE the rules of your current relationship. Decide whether it’s SO right that it comes before the rightness of the rules you followed before. It’s more important, so those other rules must change to fit IT, not the other way around. Your feet hurt, so the rules where you can sit must change to fit that, NOT the other way around!
Or choose to accept it. This too has a certain harmony, because before now you did not contemplate any other alternative. Even contemplation is change.
Because it’s not about him anymore, its about right and wrong and YOU deciding what is what. This is above all the rules you followed before – be careful how you tread, even as you accept each step with your whole heart.
~~~
Or, if I can’t get so biblical about it (heh), arrange between you an hour block in bed together X nights a week. No reading, no phone, no nothing unless its sexual intimacy. BUT it’s pefectly acceptable to just lie there (but no lieing and making bored noises – its lie still or get some action on, no in between). This is to avoid forcing sex, which is just an utter turn off.
However, I’d recommend adding to the agreement that you can masturbate by yourself in the same bed (but that doesn’t force the other to help you or join in). That’s in case your aching for it and need relief.
If they can’t agree to it, see above – decide if this is right or wrong. If they agree but then give excuses to not lie down at those times, again decide if this is right or wrong.
This gives sex an ample opportunity to happen, but does NOT force it. Your giving him room not to bonk you. If he actually keeps coming to each session without acting bored or pouty, then you can see he’s interested in having a commitment just to you. Value this commitment – in fact, despite what you might think about men, somewhere inside he might feel you only value him if he bonks you. If you value this commitment, it shows you value more than that and ironically, that might be a big turn on for him.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, we are very young (21) and have 2 kids… We usally have sex at night about 5 times a week but for some reason my husband can only go “once” at night. After sex I want to have sex all over again!! But he cant build up…and has no desire. I have to wait until the next night to have sex again which is really hard. Since he is the only man I have ever been sexually active with I dont know if “going once” a night is normal? I thought young men could have sex all the time even if they just had sex 15 min before!
Maria – you say that your marriage is wonderful except for the lack of sex – how are you keeping that from spilling into and contaminating the rest of your marriage?
When you caught your husband masturbating, that was a perfect opportunity to turn that into a sexual situation, join in with him, etc. – after all, he’s already aroused and obviously looking for a climax. Even though you may not think so, no matter how you reacted, your husband probably felt like an adolescent getting caught playing with his winkie by his mommy.
Obviously you both need sex, for some reason he’s just not turning to you for it – I’m guessing that he’s managing to masturbate fairly regularly. You need to find out what’s in his head – short of him being gay, if there’s anything he’s fantasizing about while he masturbates, you may be able to get that into your lovemaking.
I am very touchy-feely person,we cuddle ,he loves it and i have the biggest collection of lingerie ,night gowns and sexy outfits,and i consider myself pretty sexy, is not a problem,sometimes i have feeling like we talk on different languages ,like we don’t understand each other whenever it comes to our sexual appetite ,but what is really making me super confused the fact that we used to have crazy nights wile we were dating ,it seems like he liked car-sex better then traditional – bedroom,comfortable sex more.The bottom line is sometimes i feel like it is full time job for me trying to keep him interested…I hope i won’t quit one day.
P.S. Thanks for advise Mr.Someone,i did appreciate it .
Thank you.
A very active male says to lovemyhusband. Your husband does very well to have sex 5 times a week but it very normal for him to not be vitally interested for a while after sex, 24 hours or so. But your need for more sex can be taken care of before he has his orgasm in many creative ways not the least of which is using a position that is easier for him to hold off such as you being on top or enough of foreplay and sweet kind words in your ear and praise about your assets that you have at least one o imediately after he enters you and another one or after some seroius lovemaking. Lots of endearment and kisses through a given day and hugs might help if he does not feel smothered. There are thing to do do train for marathon sex which is what your blessed husband may need to do.
To Ann Marie I will give you encouragement as you need it as much as I do. My wife is the best wife and mother you could find but just seems to forget about me and my need for regular sex. Quickies, slow cooked and gourmet all have a real place as far as I am concerned but she’d be more that happy to do about one 15 minute session every other week. As a result with my higher drive I do not very ofter feel really treasured. I know she loves me and I have spoken to her about this many times but it just is not priority with her. I long to be cherished and desired for when she initiates or even acts really into it I feel like I am on cloud nine. Does he feel safe with you or is there a critical spirit in your heart. I have asked myself that many times and sometimes I feel a grudge building up inside my heart then we need a talk and she trys hard to do better. Ask god to bless your marriage and believe that he will. Wishing for more Bob
My husband &I have been married for 5 years.After our first year he had a major accident,
fell down the steps and ended up with three scull fractiors.He’s fine but we have not
slept in the same bed since or have had sex.He sleeps in the gameroom with the dog.
Talk about a blow to your ego,but I have accepted it.I think about having an affair
but I was brought up with morals.Nobody knows about us and you would never know by
looking and seeing us together.We love each other very much and have talked about
our problem but who makes the first move.
I cannot even begin to explain how close to home this hits and I didn’t realize there were so many women who share the same pain. Mine might not me on as grand of a scale and I’m not married but it hurts all the same. My bf and I have been together for over 3 years and we’re both 25, though we’ve known each other for about 10 years. I wasn’t a virgin when we got together, but he is my first love and the first person who brought a sex drive out of me that I didn’t know I had. I love him so much and I know he loves me but he has so much less desire than me. It wasn’t like that in the beginning. We were all over each other. I know he’s still passionate for me but it’s so much less than before and it gets so hard to take because I usually do most of the work. He does always makes sure I’m pleased, which is a plus….it’s just so much less than what I want. My main problem is that it’s always on his schedule and I’ve pretty much given up on initiating because he gets this look on his face like he’s disgusted and makes comments like “No way, not now” and such. I’ve tried to tell him that it would be easier to take if he assured me that it isn’t me and he is attracted to me-instead of acting grossed out. I’ll even say that he should just admit that he’s lazy (I honestly think that’s the case quite often). So then he’ll say it isn’t me, etc, but how long can you believe that when you’re constantly being rejected? He says he’s afraid to not want to because he knows how we will fight about it. I say i’m afraid to want to because I know I’ll be rejected. He also trys to tell me it’s normal for the sex to become more infrequent the longer the relationship. He’s had two other long term relationships and I’ve had none. Does that mean I should just believe him? I also feel like I jump at the chance when he wants to even if i’m not in the mood because i’m afraid of how long it will be until next time. This gives him all the power and that’s not fair. We still have sex about twice a week which I know sounds not too bad to most of you. Just keep in mind that we seriously did it so much more–at least 6-8 times a week the first year. It’s not so much about the diminishing number as it is about feeling unwanted and disgusting to him. Also, I’m about 5-10 lbs heavier and he’s 20-25 heavier…for those of you who think that may have some bearing. Thank you to all the men for their perspectives and thank you to all the women who aren’t afraid to share! Any other comments that will help me rest easier would be greatly appreciated.
Rich H – thank you for some valuable insights. I’m in the same boat as all these ladies and am particularly saddened as I thought that marriage would mean that I could finally relax and get up to all sorts of mischief with my partner in the security of marriage. I now feel that I should have been much worse behaved before I got married.
Oddly, while it causes me pain, frustration and serious lack of confidence (and now that I really think about it, a sense of downright injustice. So many other men think I’m attractive. Why am I stuck with the one who doesn’t want to have sex with me? I’m convinvced things changed the very night I gave birth to our child), we have a good relationship and work well together. He also insists that he finds me attractive, but avoids sexual contact.
So I’m trying to fix it, but I can only take so much rejection. I never tell anyone this, but my plan B is stay married until our little girl finishes university in 18 years time and then get a divorse. But who knows, maybe by then I won’t care anymore or I’ve managed to fix things.
I always had a high sex drive. Oddly, I believe my husband mislead me terribly. Before we were married he did not want to engage in sex because he said that when we have children, I want to be able to tell them that mommy and daddy waited to have sex until we were married. Honestly, what a hunk of crap. When we were married, the day of our wedding he could not engage in sex because he said he drank too much champagne. During the first few months, we had sex regularly but I became pregnant. He stated that he did not want to have sex during pregnancy. Now, I was even my first trimester, not showing and he still did not want to engage in sex. I thought, because I love him that I will respect his wishes because love is not impatient and selfish. To tell you the truth, I have been living a very unhappy, selfish miserable life with my husband. What do you think?
Hi Folks,
This discussion is great. I too have a really high sex drive – at the moment. This is relatively new for me and I can certainly remember a time not too long ago when it was one of the last things that I wanted to do. I have been married for close to 20 years and through the years school, work, house work etc always made me feel tired and not in the mood. Then last year, for some strange reason, my libido went through the roof, I started fantasizing about other men, and I wanted to have sex all of the time. Along with this, came incredible energy and confidence. So my solution has been to have sex with my husband as often as possible where ever when ever he wants, continue to dwell on my delicious fantasies, flirt a little and enjoy those who flirt with me, and of course buy a rabbit. Serioulsy ladies, help yourself! Dont get too upset with guys who may be going through a tough time or don’t feel like it because before you are a wife/girlfriend/whatever you are an individual. Enjoy the feeling and don’t depend on that one other person to get you there.
Thank you Bob for the great advice! I wish my husband could have a little of your libido :p I guess I was really curious about this since my friend and I were talking and she said her husband wants sex right after they do it and she doesnt. I was thinking..why isnt my husband like him!! whats wrong haha.
I took your advice and tried to change our sex up a little bit. We lite some candles, played some music, and took it slow with forplay.. A few times it actually worked and I felt tired after sex for ONCE!haha. I noticed that I only get tired if its been a hot & sweaty night. Sadly the tiredness hasnt slowed me down and I still have this outrageous drive for sex. I feel for everyone else who is like me & desires more from their husbands! Bob, can I ask you what is Marathon sex? Is it having sex throughout the day on the weekend? I’m sorry that your wife isnt willing to fulfill your needs..I feel the same way you do sometimes, even though our situations are different. Can I recommend a book for the both of you? Sometimes some women just need to read things in order to get the picture. Have her read a book called *For Women only* by Shaunti Feldhahn and there is a book for you that goes with it called *For men only* by the same author. I read the book for Women only and it gave a lot of reasons why men need to have sex with their wife more often..surveys and all! it said that sex makes a man feel good about himself and gives him confidence for the next day. Best wishes!
i’m glad that i did find this blog. however, the most troubling thing i find is that my husband and i have sex a few times a year, but he still looks at girlie pictures on the internet. i tried deleting them, but he found out and just got more. now i feel sneaky constantly searching history on the computer and looking for unlabeled discs around the house. now ‘his problem’ has made me into a sad crying paranoid lunatic! i want to be held and loved and he thinks i’m too needy-same as everyone else i’ve read. i’m labeled as wanting too much or expecting too much or not satisfied with the way things are. i almost wish i didn’t have morals and had the ability to have an affair. I feel like i stood and took my vows, and so did he-but he wasn’t honest and now it’s been 10 years and because of ‘his problem’ i have no babies, i’m sad and weepy often and i can’t tell anyone about it. if there are any spouses male or female out there reading this, remember when you decided to stay with your mate-be it BF-GF, husband or wife, you made a commitment and all your problems and issues became each others. work with your partner and overcome obstacles. don’t work against each other.
Does anyone have a relationship where neither one of you want to be intimate? My husband and I talk about it frequently but we never act on it. We are only intimate once every few months and it’s not that great even then. He says he’s attracted to me and wants to be with me and I tell him the same, but the truth is, I have no desire and I don’t think he does either. He’s a wonderful man, husband and father and I feel that I am a pretty good wife and mother. When I do feel a bit aroused usually once a month, I take care of myself. I am sure he takes care of his need occasionally too. He wasn’t very experienced when we married almost 9 years ago but I was. I lose interest once the newness is over. I don’t know what to do. We are more like room-mates these days that sleep in the same bed. I know that this is unhealthy for our marriage and eventually as our two boys grow up, our lack of affection will not be a good example for them. Does anyone have any suggestions?
I had no idea that sex would come to a screeching halt immediately after marriage. I feel deceived as I made it very clear that sex was important to me.