Showing Affection in Marriage
Last month we asked our readers to tell us how they show affection in their marriages, and the responses poured in, mostly from women. What they shared was intimate and touching. Some stories were more cautionary in nature and clearly delineated what not to do in relationships. But what each story did was provide a real window into one of the most vital areas of any marriage: how to express and receive love.
Don’t forget the little things.
Psychologists encourage couples to actively look for opportunities to express their care and appreciation every single day. Remember, we’re not talking about grand gestures. It doesn’t require loads of money and time. All it takes is tuning in to your partner. Paying special attention to the little things that add up.
“My husband is fantastic! He shows affection for me in the little things that he does. For instance, he will open the door for me or help me with the laundry without being asked. Other ways he shows his affection are by speaking words of encouragement to me and telling others about my abilities. He is a visionary person, and so he encourages me to take the next step. He multiplies my joy when I am successful and shares my sadness when I encounter difficulties.”
- Carol*
“My guy says thank you for the little things I do. When he notices the details, I know he is committed to making our marriage work.”
- Rita
“My husband likes to show his affection and love for me by doing many small things. For our second anniversary, he fixed the dimmer in our dining room so we can have nice romantic candlelight dinners together. He also likes to go clothes shopping with me and help me pick out things that we both like and that look flattering.”
- Patti
“My husband shows affection for me in so many ways, but mainly in the way he treats me every day and in the little things he does for me, like opening the car door, putting out his hands to help me out of bed in the morning, helping me put on my jacket, getting the coffeepot ready every night, washing the dishes after dinner—the list goes on. All of these are things I’m perfectly capable of doing myself, but he loves to do them and they make me feel adored and cared for in a way I never imagined I would like or need!”
- Jesse
He Said and She Said: Beware of speaking different languages.
Another vital reminder for couples: express love in ways that your spouse can understand. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, each of us has a primary love language. It is usually linked to how love was expressed in our homes growing up. It is ingrained in each of us, and we import these expectations into our marriage. All too often, couples don’t have the same love language, which can cause us to feel unappreciated or isolated. Take a look at some responses from women and men who actually took this opportunity to vent about what their spouses DON’T give them.
She Said
“[He does nothing to show me his affection.] Absolutely NOTHING! He needs a book with pictures to show him or tell him how to show affection and show his love. He doesn’t even tell me he loves me any more.”
- Marla
“He puts a roof over my head and he pays the bills—well, most of the bills. My husband, the romantic….”
- Joyce
“My spouse does nothing. He doesn’t touch me, rarely speaks, is rarely in the same room with me and does not wish to participate in my life. But he professes to love me. Go figure.”
- Rebecca
He Said
“She does nothing! She is so busy with her own thoughts that she forgets me.”
- Geoff
“I don’t feel like my wife does much of anything to show me affection. There are some small things I guess I could find, if I look deep enough, but mostly I feel like she is emotionally neglectful and completely shuts down when it comes to my needs.”
- Derek
“The best she can do is laugh at a joke, accept a kiss good night or ask to have her feet rubbed. Long ago she learned that I was in the marriage because I loved her and believed in the sanctity of my marriage vows. Depression and loneliness have become the norm. I’ve stopped showing affection as a normal husband would and fallen back on being a friend. The future hardly appears worth much.”
- Rob
Find out what is most important to your partner and do it…often!
Speaking in your spouse’s love language probably won’t be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, “We’re not talking comfort, we’re talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often in couples, the partners love each other but they aren’t connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn’t enough.” Clearly, every person wants to feel loved and validated. No one wants a marriage devoid of real understanding and nurturing. Thus, it’s critical to identify your partner’s love language. Discuss it openly. Ask each other what you most need to feel loved.
Women, beware of getting caught in the trap of “he should know what I need.” Men, don’t expect her to be a mind reader. These attitudes will only fill your marriage with frustration and ever-increasing emotional distance. Here’s a cheat sheet of the five most common ways to express love. Note that they are both verbal and nonverbal. Which ones make you feel most loved? Which ones does your spouse request the most?
Words of Affirmation
“He listens to me…. Communication is a huge thing with me, and he really listens. We can still talk for hours, and he tells me I am amazing and truly appreciates the person I am! He sends me the occasional sweet email, and when he is out of town, we video chat over the computer. He shows me in sooo many ways…. He is an amazing man!”
- Anonymous
“He respects me, listens to me, shares his day-to-day experiences with me, considers me an equal partner in all his daily affairs, adores me, appreciates and encourages me.”
– Anonymous
“He tells me that although I may see one thing when I look in the mirror, he sees the woman he fell in love with 12 years ago. I say love is blind; he says it shows my inner beauty!”
- Greta
Gifts
“My husband is not very good at romantic things, and he shows me affection by buying things for me. I guess that’s the only way he knows how. He works a lot because I stay home with our kids, so in his mind buying me things with his hard-earned money is a big deal.”
- Charla
“He buys me unexpected gifts or sweets. All these mean a lot to me because I know he thinks of me all day long, just like I do him. I can’t be any happier in my marriage.”
- Kate
Quality Time
“My husband calls me up every day to talk to me passionately, as we live miles apart as a result of our work. He wants to know every detail of how I spent my day. Before any important assignment, he calls me up and we pray together over the phone. He doesn’t make me feel he is away at all. We are just two bodies apart, but our soul is together everywhere.”
- Debbie
Acts of Service
“When my husband knows it’s going to be a crazy, hectic parenting weekend and he uses his day off (because he works four 10-hour days) to get ahead on laundry and housecleaning, then I truly feel loved. It’s a HUGE help to me in a tangible way.”
- Emilia
“My husband is an excellent cook and he finds great pleasure in it. He likes to show his love and affection by making me meals without me asking. He also will go and get me a mocha just because he is thoughtful.”
- Bette
Physical Touch
“My family has been demonstrative for many decades. We show our love toward each other in various ways. By that, I mean we aren’t afraid of holding hands, hugging or kissing in public.
“When I was a child, I would snuggle with my mom or dad on the couch. So when I began dating Tom, one of the things that endeared me to him was how he showed his affection toward me. We took long walks holding hands, and we wouldn’t think twice about stopping in the middle of the sidewalk just to hug or kiss each other. And watching movies and television brought back those old memories of snuggling on the couch with my parents.”
- Jenna
“Tom and I are married now, and the affection and love we show each other continue. He isn’t afraid to show his love for me by putting his arm around me when we go shopping, or when we sit in the pew at church or at the movie theater.”
- Anonymous
“My husband shows affection and love frequently with kisses, and by telling me often that he loves me. It is also backed up by kind acts to prove his words. I do enjoy his thoughtfulness in showing his love by little things like kisses and tender words. He’s really more apt to initiate a kiss than I am, and he’s usually the one who first says I love you. He’s more affectionate and loving in this aspect than I am. He’s always ready to hold hands too, no matter where we are. After almost 20 years of marriage, we still hold hands like we did 20 years ago.”
- May
“He will show his affection and love for me by simply caressing my arm and holding my hand. He doesn’t always do these things, so when he does, I know he’s trying to tell me he loves me in a nonverbal way.”
- Lindsey
Learn some quick tips from real couples.
Whatever your partner’s love language, here are some great ideas that can help increase the appreciation and the love quotient in your marriage.
• “He kisses me every morning and holds my hand when we fall asleep at night. I may not get flowers all that often, but I know that my husband loves me.”
• “She comes up to me when I’m stressed and rubs my shoulders.”
• “He always wants to please me first when we make love! He is just downright thoughtful.”
• “My husband shows his love by allowing me to rest. I need a lot more sleep than he does, and he frequently gets up with the kids on weekends to allow me to sleep in.”
• “My husband reads his email more readily than answering his phone because he is bombarded by phone calls within his company. It dawned on me that instead of getting offended that he wouldn’t answer my call, I should start to email him. Wow, he emailed me back! And he was sweet about it too! I may just email him to say ‘I value you’ or ‘I hope your day goes well’ or ‘I hope the client likes your presentation,’ and he does the same for me. We have found a new tool for our affection and love.”
• “I always look around the house for little notes she may leave for me just saying really simple things that express her appreciation and love for me.”
• “He is constantly telling me that I am beautiful and sexy.”
• “Moments when he insists I go to see a friend who’s in town for one day instead of out to dinner with him. Moments when he cancels his plans to stay home and talk to me about something that’s bothering me.”
• “She really shows her love by her support of my work in independent films. It would be hard for me to do what I do without knowing that she’s cheering me on in the background. That means more to me than anything.”
• “My husband shows me his love and affection in his quiet actions that could almost go unnoticed. And I like it that way. “
• “My husband will arrive to pick me up from work with a hot coffee from my favorite coffeehouse.”
• “He takes care to keep my son quiet and out of my hair when I’m not feeling well.”
• “When I’m feeling low, he holds my hand and tells me that it’s okay. He helps me to see a lighter side to things, so that I don’t take it all so seriously.”
• “I have to admit, my husband also shows he loves me by keeping physically fit and then keeping our sex life fun. Yeah, after 24 years…. I’m a blessed woman.”
• “Out of the blue she pauses, smiles and tells me how beautiful my eyes are and how much she loves my smile. No matter what type of day I am having, she always knows how to make it better.”
• “One thing that he does without any prompting that makes me feel genuinely loved and appreciated is take care of our vehicles, from keeping them full of gas to taking care of maintenance under the hood to keeping them very clean. When I get into my car and see it spotlessly clean, with enough gas, and running well, I feel thoroughly loved and taken care of. “
• “Not only does he remember all the special occasions with flowers and/or gifts, he also makes sure we have a date night at least once a week where it’s just the two of us.”
• “He rallies to my support when I experience even the slightest setback or disappointment. It is his kind heart that shows his affection.”
• “He also signed us up for fun dance classes so we could be close and do something healthy together!”
• “Most of all, right now my wife is totally focused on making our marriage stronger and more powerful by intentionally following the eHarmony Marriage exercise and materials; this has made a big difference and is an expression of love on a level that I have never experienced in my life!”
• “Simply put: consideration in all areas of life.”
Remember, marriage is not a fantasy filled with romance and flowers and perfection every single day. In fact, the expectation that it will be so is only going to result in ever-increasing disappointment and resentment. These real couples’ stories are a poignant reminder that every person, no matter how long he or she has been married, wants to feel safe, protected, loved and cherished. As one female reader put it, “He shows his love by being a true partner. It’s not just moments that prove love, it’s everyday life.”
*All names have been changed.
(8 votes, average: 4.88 out of 5)
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31 Responses to “Showing Affection in Marriage”
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After my husband had an affair five years ago, he stopped showing me affections. he used to show me alot of affections. I have ask him to hold, cuddle, hug, kiss me or hold my hands many times. He says he loves me so what is the problem? I always hold or kiss him. Why I do I have to ask him to hold or hug or kiss me or hold my hands all the time? He just wont do it on his own. He used to do this all the time. I need love and need him to show me that he accepts me. I feel sad and depressed and so lonely.
Sadly, my husband and I are ships in the night. He is magnanimously generous with money but is a withholding miser of himself. He says too many times a day “I love you”, but we cannot work on emotional or marital issues of any kind…he’s frozen, remote…recoils at physical touch…haven’t had a sexual relationship for 5 1/2 years (of our 6 year relationship), and the relationship life is run by his work-aholism. We are both in our 60’s but he still works 50 to 60 hours a week, travels whenever he can…loves it…and leaves home and hearth to me to keep aflame. I cannot bear it, but because of a near fatal accident almost 3 years ago where he abandoned me to commute to his out of state job, I am not in a position of leaving. I am not without emotional resources and will soon be able to resume a small portion of my professional career, but I do not have a mate. I have a remote roommate who pays lip service with the fantasy that just saying I love you many times a day somehow makes a relationship. I am not cherished or valued. I am exploited, neglected, ignored….and I am heartbroken but am determined to make a life yet as I physically recover more.
having become disable in a work related accident and further medical complications
have me in a wheelchair most of the day. my wife’s attitude is that i am broken and
damaged and should be discarded with the rest of the trash.
she has said more than once that when the legal nightmare resulting from the
work related accident is over and there is a settlement we just go our separte
ways.
the only time she is even nice to me is when she needs help on the computer
any other time all she talks about is her teaching job and the special education
children in her class. there is no affection. there is no tenderness. there is only
hatred.
we are not even ships passing in the night. we are shipwrecked and on different
rafts..
My husband is a good man but he blind-sided me in 2006 by moving in with another woman while he was working in another state and lying to me about it for 4 months. We almost divorced but he came home…professing his love for me but never saying he was sorry. He started out showing a little more affection and helping me pay the bills and such. I was happy about that. He tells me he loves me every day, makes up my lunch bag, fixes me a cup of coffee to go and holds me at night. But when it comes to sex…it is always all about what he wants or needs. He rarely, if ever, shows affection in public. He has never in 9 years told me I was beautiful, sexy, or even pretty and he has never said “I appreciate you for…” anything. I am so lonely and alone most of the time, I wonder if it’s even worth it. I have been totally devoted to him in every way even during the divorce. I give him back rubs, rub his scalp, take care of his feet for him…among other things…because I love him but when do I get something in return? He never makes me feel special…not even on Valentine’s Day or my Birthday. When do I get to be doted on? I would leave him…but I took my vows seriously and I LOVE HIM. I have even told him exactly what I am missing and he still does nothing. What do I do?
My wife and I have been married going on 2 years next month
We have been together for 5 years as well and it’s had many ups & downs. Counseling has been very helpful. Learning to communicate, listen, affirming feelings and withholding negativity. It’s not easy, takes daily practice but we’re getting there slowly.
One good habit we have always shared is calling each other each morning during our departure times for work. Wishing each other a blessed, fun, good day and ending with our love for each other.
My work schedule doesn’t always allow me to call her and she does often leaving kind messages which are very thoughtful and meaningful. But the times I can leave her the same I will without hesitation.
I just dont feel like doing all these “nice” things for my husband. Sorry. I will do a few easy things, but maybe over the long years, raising a child, up to now 15 years, i’m tired. I barely can fit stuff in for me, so that i can keep going on being a mom and wife, and the other relationships i hold.
It’s like us women are to be tender to our mates, so that they in turn will treat us nicely. I know many women wrote that their husbands initiated kindness first, but it feels like my husband will only do this, if i have been being “nice” to him.
If there has been too much arguing, a period (mine) or problems with our daughter, problems with his work, then forget it. LIfe has to get better before he can start treating me with tenderness.
Does this make sense to any of you out there?
I am amazed that there are so many people out there who feel alone in their relationship. I would love to hear some responses to these concerns. We have people in a marriage but aren’t getting their physical and emotional needs met. What is the answer?
My husband isn’t one for grand displays of affection; he grew up in a family that was not affectionate to each other, so he never really learned how. We’ve been married for almost 22 years and he is learning, tho (especially with our 2 daughters, ages 2 and 4). However, it’s the little, out of the blue things that really get to me. For instance, one time a song, “She Don’t Know She’s Beautiful” by Sammy Kershaw came on, and he said, “That song is like you.” *SIGH* My heart soared.
I think you all are missing the point. Being lonely, disappointed and hurt are all part of marriage, just like the joy, happiness and friendship is. Find a good counselor to work through these issues, more importantly, fix yourself first and allow yourself healing from the hurt you’ve experienced. You can’t expect someone to be happy with you if you aren’t happy with yourself.
I’ve been with my husband for over a year, a second marriage for both of us and we both had at least 11 years with our first. I am successful in my career-a threat to a man who is used to a woman dependant on him and very independant. I know I can make it without him, but the choice is mine. I love my husband – its been very rocky at times blending the two families and different lifestyles, but it has been very rewarding at the same time. Its knowing that when we bitterly argue that he will call and apologize because he knows my stubborn streak, or that I can’t take a breath without calling him to apologize because I know I pushed him too far, or when he gets an inexpensive bouquet of flowers and arranges them for me before I get home… or when I wash his dirty clothes with mine, taking care to separate and bleach his whites, then following through to fold his laundry…
The point is that couples generally don’t break up over major issues, its little things that add up, like never saying I’m sorry or taking a moment to practice the random act of kindness. more importantly, you need to understand forgiveness, healing and ultimately love of yourselves, then you can work on things with another person.
Hopefully, your spouse is as committed to the union of the both of you in marriage. Find this out. There was something that brought you together initally and even if it was a ’shotgun’ type wedding, there is something that kept you together. If you both know and value the same thing to this day, that’s where you begin. Then start by paying attention to some little things. Practice random acts of kindness with your spouse and the spark that begins to flicker-treasure it-protect it and keept it from harm. Above all else, realize that you deserve to be happy and to love, but that it begins with each of us-not someone else.
My husband and I were close to separating a few times because our needs weren’t being met. We both read the 5 Love Languages and other books, but we did just that: we read them. Then we proceeded to continue on the way we always had been because actually doing what didn’t come naturally (me showing what I call “extra” affection to him, and he actively listening to me yak on about my day), seemed really awkward, and it sometimes still does. But I have to say that it does help. I hated that I had to force myself to provide the affection he needed; I wanted it to be natural and to feel good, but it didn’t. Once I sucked it up and decided that someone had to make the first move, he responded. I blame Hollywood for making us think that this stuff should be all roses and candy – that’s such a lie. If I want roses and candy (and I do), I go out and get it myself.
Diane: I can say that I have the same situation as you do have, I always have to ask my husband to kiss me, hug me or make me love, and worse than that he spend the night with his son every night he is here at home, so the four nights his son is here, my husband goes to bed with him and falls asleep in his bed, so I always have to ask him to come to my bed to sleep with me, and after that since he is tired we never have a romantic night together anymore, our passion and hot conection is gone, I sometimes think that he really prefer to sleep in his son’s bed rather than mine. He thinks that his song is still a little baby, and he feels sad if his 8 year old son wakes up in the middle of the night craying or yeiling for him. I dont think his love for me is real, I really need some advice what to do, he just got married for second time a week ago but things seems to be the same since we got living togetter the last 7 months. I wish he were the same man I met 2 years ago, the man who always took care on holding my hunds in public or kiss or hug me, or please me to make me love. Why do I always have to beg him for soemthing? I am depressed too and frustrated living with someone who doesnt touch me, 2 times a month making love is not enough for me. I dont know what to do, should I leave him?
I Love my wife and I know that she cares for me, but I am not sure she still Loves me. She does many things for me and takes care of the things I can no longer handle, but she sleeps in a separate bedroom and refuses to make love. She shys away most of the time I try to hug or kiss her. She will not give me a reason and claims she is just not interested in the physical side of Love anymore. I miss this part of our marriage.
i appreciate the comments (good and bad) of the participants. it really helps to see both sides of the marriage relationship. the gender-based answers are a great format.
i have been married for almost 26 years, with 5 children, and two grandchilden. the challenges have been numerous and varied. we homeschool which is an enormous challenge, plus i used to work full time( 6years) and now part time (7 years).
as a christian i had some preconceived ideas. now i am ready to actively work on the investment
strategies (acts of love, expressed in thought, word, and deed).
thanks for the forum.
I’m sorry…is this the part of the website that is supposed to be geared for men? Because I kind of reading it as being for couples. Maybe there’s another area I haven’t found yet?
my husband has some medical conditions that cause him to have physical and mental challenges. he has become withdrawn and not interested in emotional or physical intimacy. i am not sure what to do. i pray about it every day and ask God to give me the strength to hang in there and support him but i believe that my husband is not trying that hard. he has some challenges but doesn’t seem committed to overcoming them – he seems to be into the pity-party. if he was trying hard to get better, i would always stick by him but his lack of effort puts most of the burden of daily responsibilities on me. i took my vows for better/worse, sickness/health, richer/poorer. i am struggling with the better/worse because things won’t get better if he isn’t even trying that hard. perhaps my expectations are too high and i should give him more time to get his act together. he refuses counseling, and does not take his medication like he should. i am ready to bail out and believe that although God never wants divorce for us, i have to do it for my happiness and sanity. anyone else out there struggling with this?
My husband is very demonstrative physically. He holds my hand, or gives me hugs. We even have a clock, given to us as a wedding present, and when it chimes on the hour, we share a kiss. Sometimes, it’s a short kiss in the middle of a conversation with someone else, but I think it’s special.
My problem is that sometimes, his way of showing affection is an overly sexual display. I have been grabbed and groped, in the middle of making dinner, or washing dishes, or even cleaning the bathroom! I’ve explained to him that it does not make me feel loved OR sexy, and after 12 years of marriage, almost separating nine months ago, I think he’s getting it.
Oh, boy…Where do I start? My husband and I have been married for a little under 2 years…We dated for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I was divorced with 3 children (who are now 17, 16, and 12 years old). When we were dating—he was very affectionate with me. It was almost like ‘we could not get enough of each other’. Kissing was very passionate; holding hands –was all the time; sex was frequent (3 to 4 times a week)…and now that we are married… He never says “I love you” anymore. We don’t cuddle up on the couch anymore. “Making out” never happens either. Sex happens once every 4 or 5 months. He is always finding things to do that take him away from home (ie. jet-skiing, dirt-biking, snowmobiling, camping). It seems like he has “no time” for me—or the kids (his step-kids). I am unsure whether he still loves me or not. He says he does—but there’s not a whole lot of evidence to back that up with. He goes on alot of vacations with his guy-buddies (New York, Florida, California, South Carolina)—-I would like to be included on these trips with him… However, I am just plain NEGLECTED! The more neglect I endure…the less demonstrative I am becoming with my nuances of affection for him. When I go to bed at night….It’s hard… because I am sleeping next to the “cold-fish” who has established an invisible wall –between us so he won’t touch me….because he is afraid he will be obligated to perform sexually –with me. I am wondering what on Earth did I do to him to deserve this kind of treatment? He refuses to go to counseling with me–because when we started to go to one counselor—he said the counselor was siding with me because he ‘wanted to get into my pants’…so he refused to go back to him. or , as a matter of fact, anyone else that could help our marriage out. I am deeply hurt, disappointed; I have no confidence level left, and I am lonely–and sad. What can I do –if anything?—to turn things around for us?
My husband of not even three years and I are nearly completely separated and done communicating. It seems as though he was the one who bought into the “hollywood” version of romance, because he has moved out four times in our short marriage – each time claiming his needs weren’t being met. The problem? I wasn’t relational enough. I didn’t meet his communication needs. I didn’t process problems and issues with him on a nightly basis for 3-4 hours. When I would get too exhausted, he’d threaten to leave…and then he would leave. I’ve stayed because I believed my vows were forever, but I can’t take this up and down stuff anymore. He is a Christian, but believes marriage should be “attraction based” – you stay until you’re not attracted anymore, then you leave. I finally let him leave and am not begging him to come back. I can’t find anything in the Bible to support “attraction based” marriage either. All I can think is that this trip down marriage lane has been expensive and exhausting and has taught me some really painful lessons.
hmmmm…reading all of these comments, after the article, just reaffirms each relationship is so different, and how the littlelest getsures can send us into euphoria, and the pain of loneliness that so many will endure for the heart.
The man in my life, who I have always felt to be my husband..even if I haven’t ever exchanged vows,although I want to, resembles so many of these situations we all share…he’s delightful, emotionally aware, loves to talk and listen,proactive for counseling, kind, generous with his affections, presents, the small gifts that let me know he’s thinking of me…
BUT…also has been in a long distance relationship with me, has not proposed, has deep seated family issues he’s working on through therapy,and let our relationship deteriorate through lies and a porn addiction.
It has been a rollercoaster, and Jeckle/Hydian…the man I love loves me and I feel it, the man I thought I knew has not been not that man I thought I knew.
We split last January after 2 years, reconciled went to therapy together, I thought he had a relapse,and split again this past June for a month, as of today, we just started talking, and my love is still there,as is his, he says what I know my heart needs, but trusting each other …that’s the communication gap and deterrent to our being able to completely understand each other.
It has nothing to do with what sex we are, just what we need in our lives to feel safe.
My husband of six years is generally a loving, and caring. he is a wonderful father and a good friend. Our first year of marriage was amazing and he was wonderful during my two pregnancies – calling me up several times a day to ask how I am and scouring high and low for my food craving. Our birthdays , anniversaries and even regular public holidays were our special time. Four years ago he got a new job (which I lobbied real hard for him to get – he deserved it) and things started to change. This year my birthday and anniversariy were “postponed” because it was not a “good” time for him to celebrate. Although two months apart, both events were “celebrated” a together a few weeks later with a quick dinner in which I spent the time eating quietly while he talked on his work phone… no gift no flowers.
I am told what to do to make him happy and yet I should not bother him about petty things that could make me happy. I feel alone and neglected and when I do try to say something I am told to stop being childish.
Hi, Janie I read your story and wanted to reply. Keep right on praying for your Husband. If it is Gods will he will teach him a lesson, and he will return a changed man, If he allows God to use him. Pray and ask God to only bring him back when he is ready for him to return. God do not make mistakes, People do. What ever his reason for leaving and coming and going is. Let him, Just pray and ask God to guide you. As a Christian man he should know better than abandoning his family. When he has grown up in the spritual life that God has for him he will be ready, but he does not appear ready right this moment.
I will pray for you as well in your situation, As I pray for all others who are going through something in their lives.
Take care.
my husband show little effection sometimes; i whish he will show a lot more love ; and had more money to spend on the things i will like to have to make real happy. sometimes i feel useless because there are things i will like to have that he just cannot give me sex is not all in a marridge .there are other things in life to make us wemen happy am i wrong ? and when i talk to him about it he get’s mad at me; what should i do
Laides – so many of the comments show similarities to my situation – Tammy’s husband who has a great time with his buddies and no time for her, R.W’s husband who has been withdrawn and not interested in emotional and physical contact, I’m getting to the point where, like Amy, I’m getting “weary in well-doing” seeing nothing positive coming back at me. I understand him pretty well, and maybe that’s the problem. He can’t face up to the truth. I see him coming out of his traumatic experience (bad accident that killed someone else), but none of it’s benefitting me or our relationship. He’s forgotten what we had, and probably doesn’t know how to get it back. No matter how I try to sugarcoat, downplay, wait for the “right” time, anticipate the best instead of the worst, it just gets worse, I can’t bring up anything that has anything to do with his responsibility. Yeah, we’re ships in the night too. His job and personal pursuits, coupled with my teaching job (first year last year) keep us that way. I need to get to bed early, he stays up late, I’m gone all day, he’s gone all evening. I looked forward to summer prayerfully hoping something would change for the better. It’s almost over, and I feel like my marriage is too. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like five or ten years from now; living with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, doesn’t exercise, eat right, has some medical issues he won’t do anything about. I know he’s disappointed that I’m not a Stepford Wife. And he looks at me and says “don’t you ever smile?” I pray every day for the strength to continue to do my part and I keep looking for a miracle, finding something to focus on Thank God for. Today, for example, he fixed my windshield squirter, even though it was raining and he got soaked doing it. We haven’t had rain in months, and the squirters been broken that long… Go figure…
My husband works 6 days a week, 10 hour days. I realize that he is exhausted, but we have no intimacy in our lives at all. Just recently he wanted to seperate because he feels that he has no life and that he lost himself somewhere. He feels that I deserve better and would be better off to find someone who can give me attention. I love my husband very much, I waited until I was 29 to get married because, I felt that I had finally found the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. What can be done?HELP ME before we lose each other. I almost forgot he refuses marriage counseling.
I have been married for 20 years in October. I love my husband, but he is a workaholic. He started his own business 3 years ago, he never shows affection unless it comes to sex. He works day and night, and he tells me it is all for me, but I do not care about being rich or making it big. All I want is a friend, partner, lover in my life. I want to be loved and when I show him affection I want it in return. I have been pushed aside for 20 years. We have 4 children, and I have stuck it out good and bad for them. Now that I am getting older I just know that I can not continue this relationship alone waiting for him to obtain “success” a long while it is killing me and robbing me of a life I deserve…. not one filled full of money and riches, but one that is filled with love, fun, and happiness. I have thought about leaving him and starting over. I have tried telling him what I need, but he never listens he just tells me to keep working and everything will be peachy. I don’t think he understands…. love can not wait for success…. love is a work in progress everyday or at least it should be…. I am at a loss on what to do to maintain this marriage?
Why do people even want to get married, if they are unable or unwilling to work on relationships? I am married to a man who is WONDERFUL about “saying” the words “I love you”, but does not hold me or kiss me or even look me in the eyes when we speak (which is rarely)…from the time he wakes until the time he falls asleep, the television is blasting so loud, I can’t even ask him a simple question, like “has the dog been fed” without shouting or getting the remote to turn down the volume. And then, of course, is the pornography. He tells me that it is all about MY insecurities. I just don’t get it!! I keep myself “up”, I am in shape for my age, and I try really hard. What drives a man to HAVE to look at other naked women on a regular basis, when he is married (only 2 years) and his wife loves him and she wants to have sex with him?? And then he “sneaks” and does it like some “dirty old man”….. could some of you men out there answer me, and tell me WHY?? If it HURTS the one you love, then WHY do you HAVE to do it??? Why can’t you just be satisfied with a loving, REAL relationship, instead of some unreal image?
What to do about affection? My wife and I have only been married for only two months. She is two years my senior. While we were dating and even got engaged we were not as intimate as most couple are. I had tried to talk to her about this, but being a christain she said that she would have some convictions after we made love. During our engagement we never took a shower together because of her beliefs. I truly admired her for that and couldn’t wait to make her my wife thinking that it would all change. I was always told that newly married couples make love all the time(I can count on one hand), that’s not the case with us. Since we have been married we did finally take a shower together, but nothing after that. We don’t even cuddle on the couch because she said that It would lesd to sex( like that’s a bad thing). We rarely show any display of public affection. I have tried roses, candy, cards, calling her telling her I love her, but noting in return. She has only came out to and said she loved me in person twice, but she has no problem telling me over the phone. Any advice would help! I truly love her and would never cheat on her, but I am really thinking about it!
It saddens me to see how many of you are sad and lonely in your relationships. I am fortunate to have a loving and kind husband. He is not perfect, nor does he completely “live up” to the ideal I had in mind for my spouse. ( In many ways, he is much better!) And I know that I am far from perfect and do not live up to the ideal he hoped for. As far as affection goes, I am more demonstrative than he is. He never felt it was important, but when he met me and experienced it, he was surprised by how much he enjoys it. The key to making our relationship all it can be lies in a few vital principles that must exist in a relationship for it to work: 1) realize that your mate will not be perfect nor always fit into your idea of the mate you always wanted. Focus on the good that is in them. 2) Focus on trying to find out what your mate needs and make an effort to fulfill that. 3) Love isn’t just a feeling, it is work that takes time and committment. 4) Communication: Talk about your needs, ask your spouse what he or she needs. Speak in a gentle and respectful tone.
Unfortunately, many of you seem to be in a situation in which your mate is not willing to work at the relationship. For those of you who have relationships that are “frozen”, in which the other person refuses to see a problem or “stonewalls” and refuses to talk about it, I think the best thing for you to do is find a good, preferably Christian, marriage counselor and go to them yourself anyways. Allow the counselor to help you understand yourself, your needs and what “makes you tick”, how you communicate, and how to handle the difficulties you are experiencing with a goal of bringing healing to the relationship. Many times feedback from a neutral third party will be surprising. There was a time when I was disappointed in something in our marriage, but wasn’t going to say anything. Yet people commented on how unhappy and irritable I was, and how I treated my husband. I didn’t even realize how I was acting. When I talked to my husband he was hurt and confused and didn’t realize that he had hurt me. It took someone else pointing something out to help us resolve things. Hope these comments help. There are no easy answers and solutions, but don’t give up! I would also suggest trying to find a good church to attend. I know there are many “phony” Christians out there, but there are also many good loving Christians and churches who would love to help you find meaning in life…
Hey Rebecca–
Gees! It seems like your marriage is like mine.
My husband pays the bills —and ‘constantly’ reminds me of that… I pay for some things but he makes 6 times more money than I do…
Affection? I am soooo starved for it…. It was not a problem while we were dating—-but somehow Now It Is!!! My husband does nothing romantic…shows me NO affection….No cuddling, snuggling, or hand-holding. Kissing is a thing of the past…(3rd base and Home plate never seem to be reached in this ball-game). “Abstains” against me…. When asked if he loves me… He’ll say “Yes”—-and somehow I am still trying to convince myself that he does…. Hmm….. I wonder why ?
I feel so bad for all of you who are going through what I was a few years ago. I thought my marriage of 33 years was solid, until one day in Jan. 2005 my husband announced that he wasn’t in love with me any more and didn’t think it would work. I pleaded with him to go to counselling with me, but he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to give me any false hope. For almost a year I tried to keep him from leaving me by having sex with him at least 5 times a week, and I was getting counselling for myself at the same time, but finally I realized that I was losing myself in the process of trying to keep the marriage from ending. I suspected that he was interested in a younger woman, but I thought if the sex was good enough at home he wouldn’t need someone else. But emotionally and spiritually I was losing myself. So in December I asked him to leave for a trial separation. He signed an agreement that we would live apart for six weeks, no dating others, just to sort things out. In January he agreed to another six weeks, and agreed to start dating me once a week. He never called me for a date, and I found out he was dating the younger woman I had suspected. He had started sleeping with her by Christmas, and lied to me about it until July 2006, when I caught him. We are now going through a messy divorce. He never would go to counselling. I have been alone and celibate for a year and a half, and all he is worried about is the money the divorce is costing. He still is involved with the younger woman, but can’t understand why I can’t be his friend and make the divorce easy on him. I tried all of the “Stop the Divorce” techniques that I found, but none of it worked for me, because you can’t save a marriage all by yourself when the other person has a safety net to sleep with. Why do women betray other women by sleeping with their husbands ( and vice versa). I would never do that to another woman even if I didn’t know her, and especially if I had known her and pretended to be her friend for ten years. If no one would commit adultery, a lot of marriages could be rescued and resuscitated. But adultery complicates everything. I’m 58 years old and don’t have a lot of prime time left to enjoy life with someone else if I can find someone to spend it with. But he’s not making the divorce easy for me even though his actions are the cause of it. The assets are more important than my happiness to him. So I guess if you’re still in the same house with your spouse but things aren’t going well, do whatever you have to to save your emotional and spiritual sanity. If your spouse doesn’t want to save it through communication or counselling, you have to decide how much loneliness and neglect you can handle without losing yourself. In my case, he sabotaged every effort on my part to save it so that I had to initiate the divorce to ever have a chance for a life with someone else. I have found new friends and get support from old friends, and my family and church friend have been very wonderful. I still have a relationship with my kids, and I have a one-year-ol grandson who knows who I am because I can spend time with him. There are some good things in my life. I have my integrity, my kids, my extended family, God, and my Savior, who is my best friend.
My husband only shows affection when he is in the mood to have sex. I feel like I am being used. He use to be affectionate in our earlier years of dating and marriage. We have been married for 18 years and even though he remembers the special days of the year. He buys me late gift (if I get any at all) for birthdays, valentines days and on our anniversary. He says he loves me, but I don’t feel loved by him. Several months ago I expressed my need to feel affection from him and he said he would be more affectionate, but he didn’t do anything to improve it. I feel that his lack of affection towards me if causing me to become angry towards him. Sometimes when he tells me that he loves me I respond by telling him “actions speak louder than words”, but he just doesn’t do anything to change it. I am a very affectionate person and when I try and snuggle up with him on the couch. He either gets up to do something or he just lays there stiff as a log. I sometimes wonder if he’s having an affair or if he’s just falling out of love with me. He’s a great provider and great father to our three kids. I just don’t feel loved by my husband.