Comments on: Showing Affection in Marriage

By: Daisy

Daisy — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 13:09:13 +0000

My husband only shows affection when he is in the mood to have sex. I feel like I am being used. He use to be affectionate in our earlier years of dating and marriage. We have been married for 18 years and even though he remembers the special days of the year. He buys me late gift (if I get any at all) for birthdays, valentines days and on our anniversary. He says he loves me, but I don’t feel loved by him. Several months ago I expressed my need to feel affection from him and he said he would be more affectionate, but he didn’t do anything to improve it. I feel that his lack of affection towards me if causing me to become angry towards him. Sometimes when he tells me that he loves me I respond by telling him “actions speak louder than words”, but he just doesn’t do anything to change it. I am a very affectionate person and when I try and snuggle up with him on the couch. He either gets up to do something or he just lays there stiff as a log. I sometimes wonder if he’s having an affair or if he’s just falling out of love with me. He’s a great provider and great father to our three kids. I just don’t feel loved by my husband.

By: Georgette

Georgette — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 21:11:04 +0000

I feel so bad for all of you who are going through what I was a few years ago. I thought my marriage of 33 years was solid, until one day in Jan. 2005 my husband announced that he wasn’t in love with me any more and didn’t think it would work. I pleaded with him to go to counselling with me, but he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to give me any false hope. For almost a year I tried to keep him from leaving me by having sex with him at least 5 times a week, and I was getting counselling for myself at the same time, but finally I realized that I was losing myself in the process of trying to keep the marriage from ending. I suspected that he was interested in a younger woman, but I thought if the sex was good enough at home he wouldn’t need someone else. But emotionally and spiritually I was losing myself. So in December I asked him to leave for a trial separation. He signed an agreement that we would live apart for six weeks, no dating others, just to sort things out. In January he agreed to another six weeks, and agreed to start dating me once a week. He never called me for a date, and I found out he was dating the younger woman I had suspected. He had started sleeping with her by Christmas, and lied to me about it until July 2006, when I caught him. We are now going through a messy divorce. He never would go to counselling. I have been alone and celibate for a year and a half, and all he is worried about is the money the divorce is costing. He still is involved with the younger woman, but can’t understand why I can’t be his friend and make the divorce easy on him. I tried all of the “Stop the Divorce” techniques that I found, but none of it worked for me, because you can’t save a marriage all by yourself when the other person has a safety net to sleep with. Why do women betray other women by sleeping with their husbands ( and vice versa). I would never do that to another woman even if I didn’t know her, and especially if I had known her and pretended to be her friend for ten years. If no one would commit adultery, a lot of marriages could be rescued and resuscitated. But adultery complicates everything. I’m 58 years old and don’t have a lot of prime time left to enjoy life with someone else if I can find someone to spend it with. But he’s not making the divorce easy for me even though his actions are the cause of it. The assets are more important than my happiness to him. So I guess if you’re still in the same house with your spouse but things aren’t going well, do whatever you have to to save your emotional and spiritual sanity. If your spouse doesn’t want to save it through communication or counselling, you have to decide how much loneliness and neglect you can handle without losing yourself. In my case, he sabotaged every effort on my part to save it so that I had to initiate the divorce to ever have a chance for a life with someone else. I have found new friends and get support from old friends, and my family and church friend have been very wonderful. I still have a relationship with my kids, and I have a one-year-ol grandson who knows who I am because I can spend time with him. There are some good things in my life. I have my integrity, my kids, my extended family, God, and my Savior, who is my best friend.

By: Tammy

Tammy — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 04:37:33 +0000

Hey Rebecca–
Gees! It seems like your marriage is like mine.
My husband pays the bills —and ‘constantly’ reminds me of that… I pay for some things but he makes 6 times more money than I do…
Affection? I am soooo starved for it…. It was not a problem while we were dating—-but somehow Now It Is!!! My husband does nothing romantic…shows me NO affection….No cuddling, snuggling, or hand-holding. Kissing is a thing of the past…(3rd base and Home plate never seem to be reached in this ball-game). “Abstains” against me…. When asked if he loves me… He’ll say “Yes”—-and somehow I am still trying to convince myself that he does…. Hmm….. I wonder why ?

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 00:53:15 +0000

It saddens me to see how many of you are sad and lonely in your relationships. I am fortunate to have a loving and kind husband. He is not perfect, nor does he completely “live up” to the ideal I had in mind for my spouse. ( In many ways, he is much better!) And I know that I am far from perfect and do not live up to the ideal he hoped for. As far as affection goes, I am more demonstrative than he is. He never felt it was important, but when he met me and experienced it, he was surprised by how much he enjoys it. The key to making our relationship all it can be lies in a few vital principles that must exist in a relationship for it to work: 1) realize that your mate will not be perfect nor always fit into your idea of the mate you always wanted. Focus on the good that is in them. 2) Focus on trying to find out what your mate needs and make an effort to fulfill that. 3) Love isn’t just a feeling, it is work that takes time and committment. 4) Communication: Talk about your needs, ask your spouse what he or she needs. Speak in a gentle and respectful tone.
Unfortunately, many of you seem to be in a situation in which your mate is not willing to work at the relationship. For those of you who have relationships that are “frozen”, in which the other person refuses to see a problem or “stonewalls” and refuses to talk about it, I think the best thing for you to do is find a good, preferably Christian, marriage counselor and go to them yourself anyways. Allow the counselor to help you understand yourself, your needs and what “makes you tick”, how you communicate, and how to handle the difficulties you are experiencing with a goal of bringing healing to the relationship. Many times feedback from a neutral third party will be surprising. There was a time when I was disappointed in something in our marriage, but wasn’t going to say anything. Yet people commented on how unhappy and irritable I was, and how I treated my husband. I didn’t even realize how I was acting. When I talked to my husband he was hurt and confused and didn’t realize that he had hurt me. It took someone else pointing something out to help us resolve things. Hope these comments help. There are no easy answers and solutions, but don’t give up! I would also suggest trying to find a good church to attend. I know there are many “phony” Christians out there, but there are also many good loving Christians and churches who would love to help you find meaning in life…

By: Chris

Chris — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 04:14:54 +0000

What to do about affection? My wife and I have only been married for only two months. She is two years my senior. While we were dating and even got engaged we were not as intimate as most couple are. I had tried to talk to her about this, but being a christain she said that she would have some convictions after we made love. During our engagement we never took a shower together because of her beliefs. I truly admired her for that and couldn’t wait to make her my wife thinking that it would all change. I was always told that newly married couples make love all the time(I can count on one hand), that’s not the case with us. Since we have been married we did finally take a shower together, but nothing after that. We don’t even cuddle on the couch because she said that It would lesd to sex( like that’s a bad thing). We rarely show any display of public affection. I have tried roses, candy, cards, calling her telling her I love her, but noting in return. She has only came out to and said she loved me in person twice, but she has no problem telling me over the phone. Any advice would help! I truly love her and would never cheat on her, but I am really thinking about it!

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 23:13:37 +0000

Why do people even want to get married, if they are unable or unwilling to work on relationships? I am married to a man who is WONDERFUL about “saying” the words “I love you”, but does not hold me or kiss me or even look me in the eyes when we speak (which is rarely)…from the time he wakes until the time he falls asleep, the television is blasting so loud, I can’t even ask him a simple question, like “has the dog been fed” without shouting or getting the remote to turn down the volume. And then, of course, is the pornography. He tells me that it is all about MY insecurities. I just don’t get it!! I keep myself “up”, I am in shape for my age, and I try really hard. What drives a man to HAVE to look at other naked women on a regular basis, when he is married (only 2 years) and his wife loves him and she wants to have sex with him?? And then he “sneaks” and does it like some “dirty old man”….. could some of you men out there answer me, and tell me WHY?? If it HURTS the one you love, then WHY do you HAVE to do it??? Why can’t you just be satisfied with a loving, REAL relationship, instead of some unreal image?

By: melissa

melissa — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 14:08:28 +0000

I have been married for 20 years in October. I love my husband, but he is a workaholic. He started his own business 3 years ago, he never shows affection unless it comes to sex. He works day and night, and he tells me it is all for me, but I do not care about being rich or making it big. All I want is a friend, partner, lover in my life. I want to be loved and when I show him affection I want it in return. I have been pushed aside for 20 years. We have 4 children, and I have stuck it out good and bad for them. Now that I am getting older I just know that I can not continue this relationship alone waiting for him to obtain “success” a long while it is killing me and robbing me of a life I deserve…. not one filled full of money and riches, but one that is filled with love, fun, and happiness. I have thought about leaving him and starting over. I have tried telling him what I need, but he never listens he just tells me to keep working and everything will be peachy. I don’t think he understands…. love can not wait for success…. love is a work in progress everyday or at least it should be…. I am at a loss on what to do to maintain this marriage?

By: Jamie

Jamie — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 05:38:52 +0000

My husband works 6 days a week, 10 hour days. I realize that he is exhausted, but we have no intimacy in our lives at all. Just recently he wanted to seperate because he feels that he has no life and that he lost himself somewhere. He feels that I deserve better and would be better off to find someone who can give me attention. I love my husband very much, I waited until I was 29 to get married because, I felt that I had finally found the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. What can be done?HELP ME before we lose each other. I almost forgot he refuses marriage counseling.

By: Dee

Dee — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:20:47 +0000

Laides – so many of the comments show similarities to my situation – Tammy’s husband who has a great time with his buddies and no time for her, R.W’s husband who has been withdrawn and not interested in emotional and physical contact, I’m getting to the point where, like Amy, I’m getting “weary in well-doing” seeing nothing positive coming back at me. I understand him pretty well, and maybe that’s the problem. He can’t face up to the truth. I see him coming out of his traumatic experience (bad accident that killed someone else), but none of it’s benefitting me or our relationship. He’s forgotten what we had, and probably doesn’t know how to get it back. No matter how I try to sugarcoat, downplay, wait for the “right” time, anticipate the best instead of the worst, it just gets worse, I can’t bring up anything that has anything to do with his responsibility. Yeah, we’re ships in the night too. His job and personal pursuits, coupled with my teaching job (first year last year) keep us that way. I need to get to bed early, he stays up late, I’m gone all day, he’s gone all evening. I looked forward to summer prayerfully hoping something would change for the better. It’s almost over, and I feel like my marriage is too. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like five or ten years from now; living with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, doesn’t exercise, eat right, has some medical issues he won’t do anything about. I know he’s disappointed that I’m not a Stepford Wife. And he looks at me and says “don’t you ever smile?” I pray every day for the strength to continue to do my part and I keep looking for a miracle, finding something to focus on Thank God for. Today, for example, he fixed my windshield squirter, even though it was raining and he got soaked doing it. We haven’t had rain in months, and the squirters been broken that long… Go figure…

By: sandy

sandy — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 01:02:27 +0000

my husband show little effection sometimes; i whish he will show a lot more love ; and had more money to spend on the things i will like to have to make real happy. sometimes i feel useless because there are things i will like to have that he just cannot give me sex is not all in a marridge .there are other things in life to make us wemen happy am i wrong ? and when i talk to him about it he get’s mad at me; what should i do