He said/She Said: The Key to Forgiveness
There’s no question about it: forgiving another person is one of the most difficult parts of being in a relationship. Whether it is infidelity or another kind of serious transgression, most couples really struggle with resolving past hurts. Letting go of the past and moving forward on the same page will always be a challenge in marriage. That’s why we asked couples to share their own personal (and hard-found) keys to forgiveness. After all, every situation is different and so is every couple. So we hope some words of wisdom from couples in the trenches help you create the healthier dynamic you want in your own marriage.
He Said: Giving forgiveness can give you a sense of healing.
When we are hurt, it is human instinct to withdraw, or to want to retaliate by inflicting pain. Resist this urge. Many men have told us one of the most freeing, healing things they’ve ever done for themselves is to hand their spouse the gift of unconditional love and the forgiveness that comes with that.
“I had my best friend (wife) cheat on me for more than a year. I can say without a doubt that the pain inflicted was the most intense I have ever felt, yet I could not ease my pain until I looked within myself first. I learned that I had to make the choice to let go and make the choice to accept the person I loved as who she is.”
-Jeff*
“In all things, if we would consider first LOVE, then we should be able to forgive. I decided to think differently about my wife and then started to literally convince myself that I love my wife unconditionally and I shall continue to do so.
Two things happened to me: i) When I released my wife from all that I held against her, I felt so much relief, the heaviness of the heart left and I felt better – even physically. ii) I then realized that my happiness had been curbed because I was trying to suppress the love I had for my wife because of resentment I had developed against her. When I started loving her again freely, the happiness, joy and peace that filled my life was overwhelming.
The key is to love first in spite of your circumstances, and to know that forgiveness frees you more than the person who needs your forgiveness.”
– Todd
“Forgiveness can be elusive! You can will to forgive, say you forgive, tell the other person you forgive them, want to forgive – and still not forgive. Many times we think we have forgiven, only to find the issue resurfacing and haunting us. One of the most important things to understand about not giving forgiveness is that the only one it hurts is the person who has not forgiven. They are the ones who are most miserable.
My story is one of a 27-year marriage. I never cheated on or abused my spouse. She just decided to move on to another relationship. After I truly forgave her, I found that my identity was restored to me. I was free. Where there had been heavy clouds, they lifted. It was a new day. My encouragement to you is to forgive. Take the first step. Will to forgive.”
– Robert
She Said: Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision.
Alexander Pope said “To err is human, to forgive divine. “ And yes, it takes a strong, loving person to be willing to address and move beyond the pain so that the marriage can heal and begin to thrive. But it does not take superhuman power. What it takes is making the decision, according to many women. It takes realizing forgiveness is a process.
“This is a portion of the letter I wrote to my husband during my own process of finding forgiveness:
‘My forgiveness does not mean that I am allowing you to treat me badly, that what you chose to do was ’okay’ or that I have to overlook how you are treating me presently. It does not mean that I should be blindly trusting (today), in the face of knowing you lied to me, if you are not currently behaving in a way that logically warrants my trust. My forgiveness of the hurts your choices and behaviors caused me does not mean that I don’t feel any hurt now, or that I will forget what has happened. It DOES mean that I am letting go of the anger and resentment I have felt.
I forgive because I want to heal, fix and move forward in our lives. It means that I understand that you made a mistake, and I am choosing to not allow the pain from those mistakes to damage the kind of marriage that I still want to have with you.
It is never too late to make a fresh start, so long as I choose to live my life with a positive outlook and love as my guides…’
If I did have to define the ‘key’ to forgiveness, I would say that it is in understanding that forgiveness is a process or a series of steps that you choose to take. For me, the process began when I decided to start being more honest with myself about my own choices and action.”
- Jenna
“The key to forgiveness: It is the commitment and decision towards the goal.”
- Kate
“My husband confessed he had been entertaining a pornography addiction, coupled with masturbation. When he told me I immediately decided to forgive him. I think I decided that when I married him, actually.
“It has been six months since he confessed, he stopped that day, and he actually hasn’t had any relapses. He promised he would be completely honest about the problem, and tell me if it ever happened again. I tried to be as honest as possible about the way his actions had affected me – before and after I knew. I also tried to be honest about what would happen if he relapsed – not as a threat, but just so he knew the gravity the prospect held for me.
“I guess our basic game plan has been to not force anything – not pretend anything. We are who we are, we feel how we feel. It’s all okay as long as we are both committed to do our best and see the good in each other. Love was never in question – it was something we decided to do the day we got married. We’re simply living up to our word – human style.”
- Nancy
He Said/She Said – Best Quick Tips
“We discussed ways for him to help me feel better about the situation – ways for him to earn my trust back. For me, I don’t expect myself to feel complete benevolence for him. I don’t trust him completely, and I try not to feel bad that I can’t yet. I just keep trying to make clear exactly how I feel in touchy situations, and I try to remember that I have no control over his actions and thoughts.”
“I live in a marriage where both of us have been unfaithful. We have learned that listening is a huge part of forgiveness; when you truly listen you can hear remorse and can understand that forgiveness is obviously warranted.”
“Forgiveness is easier if you think of the first day you met.”
“Being an ‘elephant’ (one that never forgets) can cripple a marriage and the conversation/relationship of a married couple.”
“The key to forgiveness is love and understanding. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand how they feel. This has helped me in my relationship with my husband. We have been married for almost six years and I love him more and more every day.”
“You have to forgive to move on with your own life. Baby steps if you have to, but that is the goal. Harboring stuff breeds anger that affects all parts of your life. Being forgiving doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten.”
“Forgiveness is easy when you remember the person you’re forgiving and how important they are.”
“The key is I am letting go of my bitterness and I am moving on in my own life with the understanding that everyone makes mistakes. Life is too short; I fill life with what makes me happy, and let go of all the things that make me sad.”
“Understanding that given his experiences growing up, I would probably act similarly and also make many of the same destructive choices.”
“I’ve found a new ability to make personal boundaries and keep them. I choose what is good for both of us, not just what is good for him at my expense. I’ve learned that I can be a joyful and fulfilled person in my own right no matter what he does or doesn’t do. This takes a lot of intensity out of the forgiveness cycle.”
“We never let a situation get to the point where either one of us requires forgiveness. If we stop ourselves before hurting each other, then there is nothing to forgive. So the key to forgiveness is a loving relationship in the first place.”
“Just remember that your spouse is human and you make mistakes too.”
“My personal experience with forgiveness is to really mean it when you say you are sorry for something. You must let it go after that. The worst thing is to keep bringing it up. MOVE ON!”
“The key to forgiveness is not as hard as you might think. Ask yourself first – is this event a deal-breaker? If not, then you have to remind yourself why you are with your partner in the first place. Make a list of all the GOOD things about your partner and then write a letter to your partner expressing why what they did hurt you.”
“After you’ve grieved or been angry and talked through your problems and have come to resolution, don’t talk about it and keep it fresh in your mind. Don’t talk about it all the time, don’t run the movie/dialogue in your head over and over; you will find that after time goes by you don’t even remember the details anymore and it is very freeing to know that you can move on.”
“When I have been offended I automatically go into a selfish mode of hurt and anger, forgetting all of the times that I have needed the grace and mercy of forgiveness. I believe that we need to ‘keep no record of wrongs’ committed against us, but do need to keep a record of sorts of the wrongs we’ve committed, thus reminding ourselves of the forgiveness we’ve received.”
“I’ve found that mindful forgiveness primarily serves to help me. It releases me from suffering the effects of anger and hurt. Once I choose to quit dragging around all of the ‘wrongs’ that were committed, I am able to act in a more loving, accepting way to myself and to my partner, thus allowing something better to enter our relationship.”
“Don’t harbor the hurt or the anger and store it up as ‘ammunition’ for a later fight.”
“For me, I have a key ring of forgiveness! The first key is to analyze just how serious the infraction is to my self-esteem. Usually, forgiving means an infraction that caused pain, yes? Can I move past it? Am I confident enough in myself to let go? Yes. Forgiven.
Next, I try to decide if the offense is greater than my love for my husband. Which is easier to live with? Live with a husband who is sorry or live without him and be ‘right’? I’d rather wake up next to him and forgive him than wake up without him. Forgiven.
Lastly, is he really sorry or just giving lip service? If I feel it’s lip service, I let him know that his apology seems insincere and have him do his best to convince me otherwise. He always has.
I adore my husband. We have been together for over 13 years. We have been through some of the roughest patches a couple can travel. And I can’t imagine traveling the journey without him, even if he caused some of the potholes along the way. Guess what? He forgives me for being human on a daily basis too.”
“More often than not, it is not about forgiving an act, a word, a hurtful choice. It is about forgiving the RESULT of an act, a word or a hurtful choice, which is usually far more complex and deep-seated than the thing that caused it. It’s not really so much about forgiving the hurt; it is about healing the resultant wound.”
“My key to forgiving is about looking at the bigger picture.”
“The key to forgiveness for me is realizing just how much I’ve been forgiven in life. My faith requires me to forgive. But I believe it has to almost be practiced. It doesn’t come naturally. The more I forgive, the easier it becomes, just like in anything else I practice doing.”
“My husband and I have both had to grapple with forgiveness this last year of our marriage. I think the key is taking responsibility for our own actions, and really trying, as much as possible, to understand how our actions have affected (hurt) our spouse.”
“The key to forgiveness is remembering that unforgiveness hardens my heart against my husband. This is the man I call my soul mate and have chosen to give my heart, life and love to forever, yet unforgiveness threatens the very vibrancy of our love. When I look at it that way, it’s a lot easier to find a way to get over pretty much anything.”
Final Words
The dance of forgiveness is clearly a complex one with a variety of steps. It takes intention and hard work. It takes empathy and grace. It takes love and commitment. Clearly, it is at the very heart of all the promises you hand someone when you give yourself to them in good times and in bad. As one of our female readers so eloquently put it, “You and your partner have to work on your relationship and forgiveness on a constant basis. Love and marriage are like a garden, and it has to be tended and nourished.”
*All names have been changed.
(11 votes, average: 4.55 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Conflict, Couples Stories, For Men, For Women, Trust and Commitment
35 Responses to “He said/She Said: The Key to Forgiveness”
Leave a Reply
I know that to forgive is the best way to set your self free from past hurts, but its rather difficult to forgive someone when he has not repented from his transgressions. If he continues with his hurtful behaviour, then I find it hard to forgive and continue with the relationship. I would find it safe to forgive and let go. I can only remain in marriage if my wrongful spouse apologises, and then repents. That way you know that there is hope to build a lasting relationship.
I will remember these key advises the most…
Forgiveness is easier if you think of the first day you met (I smiled just reading this)
and
Forgiveness is easy when you remember the person you’re forgiving and how important they are.
Great Advice!! This will help me to have a long and happy marriage.
Thank you all for your positive words about the power of forgiveness! I’m still working on getting to that point. I love my husband very very much! I had forgotten just how much he means to me. We went through a few years where I was very distant for numerous reasons, not feeling loved by him being one of them. He then had a cyber affair and now that I have found out we’re working together to get over this and forgive each other and move forward. Today was starting off to be a day I obsessed over the words I saw he had written to her, and now I’m going to focus on what I love and like about him and how much our marriage means to us instead.
This is a very enlightening article. I know I need to forgive my husband for his infidelity if our marriage is to make it. I know the feeling of forgiveness will come after that. I know I have the Holy Spirit within me to help me do this. I just don’t know how to ever trust him again or to want to be intimate with him again. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
As I was reading all of this advice I was thinking, “My husband needs to read this.” But then I realized that I was harboring bitterness about the fact that he was harboring bitterness. I have forgiven him for past circumstances, but I also need to offer him forgiveness for taking a while to forgive me. Maybe if I give him unconditional love (something I haven’t quite figured out yet) it will be easier for him to forgive me. Maybe not. But I can’t make that choice for him and trying to force him to forgive me only makes matters worse. I can only free myself.
You sure can avoid a lot of pain in your life and marriage if you simply become accountable to the committment you made to the committment of marriage. This article hints at a liberal slant to marriage in that it’s okay to have an affair and then ask or better yet hope, your spouse forgives you. That’s not God’s plan for marriage.
Very good informative article.
I too am in the process of forgiving my husband for a pornography offense. He said he was sorry but I didn’t feel the sincerity in it. So it’s been hard for me to move on. I sent him an email and told him that I loved him and that he had my unconditional love. One thing that I’ve learned from my husband is to “Choose to Love”. Love covers a multitude of sins. So as I forgive, as I move on, I choose to love him (even though is still hurts). He’s forgiven and I am healing.
Letting forgiveness reign in your heart and letting go of all past hurts are a great concept, however, in the application of these, when the same things keep happening over and over again, you have to ask yourself, how and when is enough finally enough?
Hellooo… Thanks for the artical, It all sure hits home, I feel I,ve forgiven but she won,t let go of the past , or her present life, Although there are signs of hope, I hope. After a 10 year marriage, I really want to rekindle what we had… How do you ask …for just one more CHANCE??? Thanks for listening…Jimmy from Thailand… Thanks again… Jim
Most of the comments in this article address being able to forgive someone with the intent of pressing forward in a relationship. I find the real paradox in forgiving someone who is not sorry – not expressing any kind of remorse – maybe not even admitting wrongdoing and who does NOT want to pursue healing or a restored relationship. Even God asked us to confess our sins before we are to be forgiven. How do you forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven?
I am in a place of remorse for my sins, and willingness to ask and accept forgiveness, but I find it hard to forgive someone who is not even sorry for their hurtful choices. “I’m sorry, but this is the way I want it” doesn’t cut it as and attitude of remorse. That may be what he says, but I find myself sharing that same attitude of entitlement saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t forgive you until you do what by asking for forgiveness and expressing regret over your actions.” Hhhhmmm…..
This article is correct in that forgiveness is key, however forgetting is not. We should forgive all people for their wrong doings, but to continue in a relationship full of lies and betrayal is absolutely rediculous. Your spouse is your best friend, the other half of you. If they choose to betray you, lie and cheat, than how do you trust them again. We wouldn’t trust a business partner if they lied and betrayed, we would get rid of a friend if they did the same thing. When a spouse, who took the sacred vows of marriage, choose to sin and go against that, causing pain and loss in a family, why stay within that situation. God wants us to forgive, but he doesn’t expect us to be trampled on forever.
Depending on the individual, sometimes forgiveness means to become helpless in the situation. Not forgiving your spouse can either consume you with bitterness and/or make you end the tormenting relationship. On the other hand, forgiving your partner can nurture your soul and rekindle your relationship or also help you end the relationship. There’s a part of me that feels that if I forgive my husband, then I’m giving up the fight of my own morals and standards. The other part of me wants to forgive him because I’m too scared to be alone. You can still love someone and not forgive them for what they’ve done. I know firsthand that everytime my husband cheated on me, I was able to fall back inlove with him but never truly forgave him let alone trust him. Surely, if I were able to trust and forgive our love would be stronger.
The key to forgiveness is for two people to work together, Forgiving one another. It is very hard to forgive some one when they have caused you hurt and pain. Merely saying I forgive you is not forgiveness. True forgiveness wash away all of the hurt, and pain. It helps to fade away any mistrust. To truely forgive someone you will have to first ask God to forgive you in your heart. For the thoughts that were in your mind about this person. Then what about the bitterness you felt from this hurt. You have to be cleansed first by God and then Forgiveness sets in.
Once you seek God for this type of forgiveness you would not have to wonder if there will be a next time for and affair, and how would you handle it.
Trust me, Seek God first and he will prepare you for forgiveness and anything eles that would happen in your life. I am a living witness how he has prepared me in the past for years of affairs, Heart ache and pain. He will make your testomony one that you have never heard before. You will stand out, just like the saying goes he will make your eneimes your footstool, They will be. Trust in God!
The article was very enlightening. I am looking at the word forgiveness different now. However I still can’t (right now) get past the hurt of the affair(s). He said the affair was over last year and to find out it started up again after 1 year exactly, makes me think it never ended. 20 years of marriage is hard to let go, we’re in counseling and he says (claims) he is sorry but I don’t feel the sinerity in it….. I know I need to forgive in order to heal myself. I guess with prayer and patience I’ll know what to do. I do agree with the statement Brad made. It seems like it is alright to have an affair it’s not!!!! The affair hurts not only the other spouse, it affects the children, the home enviroment, your self-esteem, the love for your spouse, movies, songs, and so many other things… And what hurts so much is the memories your spouse has shared with this other person. That hurts so bad. Love is not suppose to HURT.
Jen you are still bitter and I totally understand
I have children with him I need to for their sakes try and heal my marraige if he is willing to try also So far he isn’t very convincing I have given him a year to Love me again “He loves me but isn’t in love with me.” I want things to work out for our childrens sake and I still love him the respect is harder for me to give He does alot to lose my respect which is more important to a man to have is respect. This is what bothers him. So I am trying to show respect concentrate on the positive and give him a second chance. Be the best I can be and be happy now reguardless that he doesn’t want me anymore but doesn’t want to break up our home for the kids sake he won’t even touch me and tries not to look at me Unfortunately all he needs to do is be loving and kind and love me with all his heart unless he can do that I don’t want to continue this marraige so he will lose everything because he wants to not forgive me of being bitchy and bringing up his weaknesses in the past He says it is my personality and i can’t change I say it is a behavior and I can change because if it was my personality everyone would think I am a bitch and I treat everyone that way He can’t belive I can treat him better evnthough I am he says it a good act. now I try to focus on the good unfortunately it’s not easy to find alot right now he’s really a mess right now
I just hope and pray that he can find what will make him happiest and take the steps he needs to get there. Or he’ll end up alone I don’t believe women who don’t have children with him would put up with him very long
Wow. My wife and I are going through some difficult times right now and we got this link out of nowhere from eHarmony. We went to our first counseling session this afternoon. There are signs everywhere. We have to get past the hurt right now, and this article is exactly what I needed. Forgive, not forget. Thank you eHarmony. You don’t know how timely you were.
Everyone’s makeup is different and people deal with different events in there life in different ways, but one thing is certain, we all have to deal with them. It’s how we chose to deal with the pain, the hurt, and the heart-breaking feelings that comes with infidelity, betrayal, and a host of other things. The key to forgivesness is to first understand that to forgive someone else helps you. It’s a hard thing to do because we want vengance, justice, vindication and for the other person to feel the hurt and pain we feel. When you truly forgive someone , you release them from a debt you feel they owe you. To do so you release the bitterness, anger, resentment, hate and all the malice that come with unforgiveness. The key is chosing to love that person regardless of how you feel, knowing that all people have weakness and that you’re capable of doing the same thing, but chose not to. You can not control another person’s behavior but you can control your emotions and will. It’s all about choice, you can be miserable or you can release a person and move on with life.
Looking at it from the other side — as one who has received forgiveness for his indiscretions after much pain and turmoil, I really do feel that it means and changes everyting and is the highest blessing I could’ve asked for. Although my wife is already a fantastic person, her forgiveness has inspired a love and appreciation beyond anything I’d had before. The bottom line, I suppose, is that if you forgive your spouse it will free the both of you and rebound to you in many ways.
I have trouble forgiving someone who will not say he is sorry or even admit he has done something wrong. I have trouble forgiving someone who does not take responsibility for his own actions. I have trouble forgiving someone who finds a way to make his transgressions MY fault (”I only did that becuase you……” , “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t……). If I said, “I forgive you”, he would say, “For what? I didn’t do anything”. I think I should forgive myself for ever putting up with this attitude.
A couple thoughts – After a 12 year marriage of both good and bad, a year of counseling, etc. I have determined that forgiveness is necessary for yourself perhaps even more than the other person – “Lack of forgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. I forgot who said it, but it had a profound effect on me when I heard it.
True forgiveness can be a very long process, but is key to both people’s wellbeing.
Forgive but not forget. This sometimes means that you do not get back to the type of relationship you want. No matter what the promise made to each other, no person should have to submit themself to repeat betrayal. In my case, my spouse has multiple addications. Psychology defines some addications as a “disease”. Even during prolonged periods of ‘recovery’ – one can never be secure that the next emotional and financial disaster is not just around the corner.
Get real. YOU have to decide (whatever your hurt) if you (and your kids) can live a healthy life, even with forgiveness. I determined that staying together for my son’s sake was foolish, to set an example of an unhealthy marriage? To raise a child in an environment where survival is the goal, not excelling as a human being? To show it it’s ok to stay with someone who repeatedly lies? To stay with someone who can financially devistate the family, and potentially leave us homeless? At some point, you have to decide to take care of yourself and your children, even if you are capable of having great compassion and forgiveness.
Making yourself ’safer’ from the consequences of another persons repeat “issues” makes forgiveness and compassion much easer to practice on a daily basis.
The most striking thing that came out of this survey for me is that the trend of the responses seemed to be backwards. Has the trend of our society caused women to think more like men and men to think more like women?
This is far too close to home for me to not make a comment. I learned about four years into our marriage that my husband had been having an extramarital relationship for “about two years,” he said. He was 64 at the time, and I was 53. His paramour was about 8 years younger than I was. It was the usual office connection, turned bad.
Once I learned of the affair, I was devastated because I thought he was worthy of the complete trust that I’d put in him (and I don’t trust people easily). In the four years that followed, I jockeyed between forgiving him and then feeling the rage that came from knowing that he’d lied to me for so long. He never convinced me that he was truly sorry for the betrayal–only for getting caught. He then had the nerve to act as if I should wave a magic wand and simply make my hurt feelings and the related wounds disappear!
The marriage deteriorated to the point that we finally called it quits. He moved out last weekend, and I don’t feel anything but relief that the experience will soon be a part of my distant memory. I thought that with age comes wisdom, but I’ve learned that indeed a leopard doesn’t change its spots (repeatedly, he’d done the same thing in an earlier marriage) and there’s no fool like an old fool. I feel relieved that I no longer have to live with a person who can’t deal with adult situations in an adult manner.
I founf these comments interesting. I am in the process of trying to rebuild a 33 year marriage that was nearly destroyed by mistakes, lies, secrets by both of us.
I had an affair (one nighter) several years ago, which I confessed a year ago. Unbeknown to me my wife was having a sexually torrid on line affair with an old friend that continued until I discovered it in June.
I am choosing love and forgiveness, even though she cannot admit that what she did was wrong. She IS sorry she hurt me, but if I had not found evidence of the affair there is little doubt that it would still be happening, and that she may have left me by now. She claims no “love” was involved, but she took from me the thing I want most. her friendship, and her desire.
The result of all this is that things a a TON better now, she is falling in love with me again, and is a totally different person. I try not to be bitter or hate her friend, but am having trouble with that one.
All I know is the past is the past, and the future is what we make it. I was very codependent for addiction and health reasons, and know that her emotional distance was needed so I could heal, fix things about me that were broken, and become independent again. I am now prepared to end the relationship if that is what has to happen, but my love for my wife has only increased.
I think we will be all right, but for me the most important thing is her happiness and fulfillment. If she finds that is not possible with me, I will move on.
I have been married for 7 years and my husband has had an affair for six of those years with another women, and admittedly other women as well. I knew he was kind of distant, but I thought it was because he worked at night and we would only see each other on the weekends. He says he is done and she says she is done with him but a part of me does not believe them, because for two people to carry on an affair for so long and lie for so long, how can I just believe they are done because they got caught. He has never come clean and confessed, I found all the details from her. He went to therapy for a few sessions, but I think that was just to keep me from leaving. Now I am numb to the whole marriage and I don’t trust him. I am just going through the motions I feel until something better comes along. I want to trust him but I don’t see him as the person I married because with another woman there for 6 years of a 7 year marriage, I feel like I was never given a chance in the marriage. I just don’t know what to do.
This section is very comforting. After reading many comments from all readers out there who shared the same experiences, I do feel relief about my own feeling. It’s true, forginess is the key word. It’s just being to do or not to do. Thank guys and may God bless you.
My husband and I have been married for over 18 yrs. He recentlyadmitted (2 wks ago) that he had an affair with a co-worker(who became pregnant). We both agreed that we will try to save our marriage. I have asked my husband several questions concerning this affair. He became upset because he felt like the details concerning the affair would not change anything. I feel like I need this information for closure. Also he seems to regret having this affair, but he has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. Am I wrong for expecting him to answer questions concerning this affair? Also, should I bring to his attention that he has not apoligized or asked for forgiveness?
how about if you have asked for forgiveness and he won’t forgive? he says he can’t.
For me forgiveness comes when you love without condition. My Husband cheated on me for 3 years before I found out about it. I cannot tell you in words how much this affected my life. My world seemed to collapse around me and life as I knew it came to a drastic hault. It hurt me so much that he lied to me for so long. It hurt me to know that the one person I cared most about in this world could betray me & deceive me as long as he did without my knowledge. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest while it was still beating. I can’t condone what he did but I had to honestly ask myself if I was the best wife I could be at the time? I stopped listening to him, we drifted apart & lived like roommmates for years before I ever saw what was happening. I don’t blame him entirely for what happened. I had to own my part in it & believe me that wasn’t easy. We came so close to giving up and going our separate ways when I realized that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Today, almost two years later we love each other more than we have in 15 years. Why? Because we took the time to get honest and truly started listening to what was important. It’s a miracle our marriage survived his infidelity. I have forgiven him and am trying to move on past the pain. It is possible. You just have to love each other enough to make it happen.
Kathy, You said everthing that I have been feeling. My husband to had a affair and I found out. He swears that he did not sleep with her. I can only believe what he is telling me. He has been very remoresful and I know that he is truly sorry for what happened. How can I move on now and stop constantly thinking of all this everyday and everynight. It is the first thing that I think when I awake. We are now better than we have been in a long long time. We too had begun living as roomates and drifting apart. Still, I can’t get past the hurt yet. Hopefully in time that will come.
They say every good marriage is only two years from divorce. In other words when communication stops and people start living like roommates and are resenful then usually an affair or some risky unfathomable behavior occurs almost as if to wake up feelings someone thought were dead inside. I found out when my husband and I broke up for one night before we were married he slept with a coworker in a van. He had all say to think about it and he came back two days later and we patched things up and he never told me about it. Then this last year he had a one time fling with an office girl who had serious issues, and anyway to make a long story short he lost his job, I find out this happened and I could not believe my partner and supposed best friend could do this but becuase they emailed each other on company time they were both let go. So not only do I get to deal with the anger about her, but now my daughter doe not get to lve like she was used to becuase we can barely make ends meet and as of tonight we are officially three payments behind on our mortgage. So we will lose our house we just had built two years ago. I told my husband we should have gotten a smaller house that was more affordable. I do love him but this is one of the bad days.
I read all the replys in hopes that something someone said would spark me into forgiveness! My husband of 12 years had a 1 year affair with his high school sweetheart. I found out thanks to computer “footprints.” My heart still has not healed. We made a commitment to each other the day we were married and now I have to forgive? I say I forgive, but the pain is still there and 2 years have passed. How do you forgive, but not forget? I’ll never forget the pain the affair has brought to our marriage, so how would I even begin to forgive? Do I love him? I don’t know what love feels like when my heart feels this much pain.
As I have sat here early Saturday morning reading everyone comment on forgiving. Yes forgiving is very hard. I know first hand I had to forgive and I also had to look at myself as well and see what part I play in hurting our marriage. No I did not have a affair but I played a big part. Sometimes we get caught up in what they did and did not do that we forget to look at ourselves. I am not saying affair or what ever the other person did is right. Sometime you have to look at your self. We feel we can put this degree on rights or wrong. Wrong is wrong. In your life you will have many storms that you will have a hard time understand and going through (some day it is hard getting out of bed). If I could help each of you who said that it was hard to forgive I would. I never would wish this on my worst enemy. Know this there is nothing like the peace when you have let go of the pain and truely try to forgive them other person. It is not for them it is for YOU to have peace you have not idea the joy you will feel when you do and that pain that holds you back . You will never heal with that luggage you are carrying around each and everyday. WHY? Make God first in your life and everything will fall into place. Yes it takes TIME and the walk can be hard. But he will help you over come so many obstacles we have in our lives like FORGIVENESS. I prayed for each one of you that God bless your hearts and your marriages and the children and love ones that have been affected. REmember this what will it hurt to look to God for help. It seem everything else has fail you and you have trying to control and manpulate everything to go your way. Why not try the one person our heavenly FATHER that can change night to day, bring the rain, who created this earth. Try him, he said he would never leave you. But you have to ask him and want him in your life.
My prayers are with you and I know that pain that alot of you have felt cause I have wore the shoes. Please pray for my family as I do the same for you. Stand for what you believed in when you said I DO. God will heal your hurting marriage………
FORGIVENESS IS AN ACT OF LOVE ,AND IF YOU CAN NOT FIND THE LOVE FOR THAT PERSON ,THAN YOU HAVE TO LOOK ELSE WERE ,I FOUND MORE LOVE IN GOD WHICH GAVE ME MORE LOVE FOR MYSELF AND IN THIS TIME I LEARNED TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BELIVEING IN HIM LIKE I WAS SUPPOST TO ,YOU HAVE TO FIND WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO RELEASE SUCH THINGS THAT WILL MAKE OUR HEARTS COLD AND BITTER FOR IF THEY DO MAKE OR HEARTS BITTER NO-ONE WILL EVER LOVE US. SUCKS BUT THE TRUTH.
My Husband had an affair with a co worker for 3 years. He kept telling me it was over, but
then I would find out it wasn’t. He finally stopped the affair. He always has needed alot of attention from other women. This was’nt the first time with another women, but it was the longest. We got help with the long affair, and I thought with all affairs, but he still act like he needs other womens attention. I asked him not to go to lunch with his female co-workers, but he still does. I tried to tollerate these lunches, but now he wants to go out with them on the weekends, with their spouses. He talks to everyone he sees, I guess I have never acccepted his trust, or he has never proved it. We have been married 40 years, and this has been a on going thing. I do love him but I don’t know if I want this anymore. When I mentioned his affairs, He had 4.
kathy