Inside the Mind of the Married Man: Avoiding Conflict
Something about your relationship has been bothering you all week. Like any smart wife, you want to bring it up with your husband. Like any smart woman, you want to address the issue before it surfaces and erupts into a no-holds-barred, knock-down, drag-out bloodbath of a fight.
After religiously reading the advice in The Married Life, you decide to choose the timing of the conversation carefully. You wait until your husband is relaxed and you are feeling more rational than emotional. You enter the conversation proud of your maturity and confident that there will be a positive resolution to the problem.
Researchers have found answers to these burning questions that may surprise you. Read on to find out what’s behind that wild look in his eyes when you broach a tough topic. Plus, get the best tips for engaging your partner in ways that will result in the positive resolution you want.
Making His Pulse Race
John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for 25 years and is one of the leaders in the field. His research suggests that men actually may be the weaker sex! At least, when it comes to interpersonal conflict. Gottman hooked up couples to biofeedback machines and measured activity in the autonomic nervous system, which regulates the body’s involuntary reactions to external stress, such as the perception of danger, including pulse, sweat and “gross motor movement”—for instance, did the husband squirm in the chair?
These revolutionary studies and many subsequent studies found that men have greater physiological reactions to conflict than women do. They tend to feel more distressed during emotionally demanding conversations. Flooded by the emotions involved in conflict, it took men longer to recover than women. (Women showed their emotions more quickly and recovered more quickly.) Even when the husbands appeared cool, calm and collected, and didn’t look as if they were reacting to their wives, the biofeedback machines told another story: Their hearts beat faster, the contractions were sharper and they breathed faster. It was the instinctual “fight or flight” reaction. Hence the caged wild animal look.
It remains unclear how much of a man’s reaction to conflict is innate and how much is learned. Ultimately, it is probably a combination of physiology and socialization. After all, our society still exalts men who are hardworking providers, who debate instead of connect, who are pragmatic rather than emotional. Though the tide has begun to shift, developing relationship skills is still more emphasized to little girls than little boys. Hence women tend to grow up and become the “marriage maintainers.” Women often are willing to talk at length about what’s happening in the relationship. On the other hand, men are more likely to prefer just “being” in the relationship. Experts are quick to point out that the research should not be misinterpreted to suggest men are incapable of intimacy. They just may be less adept at navigating the marital battlefield.
The State of Your Union
Let’s recap (and yes, oversimplify a bit.) To you, talking is healing. To him, it’s threatening. In his mind, it is likely to lead to emotionally charged conflict, which he’s not good at, so he’d rather not. What’s a sane, mature woman to do? Experts say you can affect his withdrawal response with some subtle nuances in how you approach communication in your marriage.
Tip #1: Make him feel like he has a choice.
Ask him if it’s a good time to have a conversation that is important to you. If he says no, accept his answer but make sure to set up another time in the near future. An even better approach is to schedule—and stick to—weekly “marriage meetings.” These mutually agreed-upon appointments are a safe, rational time to discuss the relationship.
Tip #2: Attack the problem, not the person.
Research shows that women are more likely to approach challenging conversations with a “harsh start-up.” This can mean a critical tone or an accusatory statement. It also encompasses another favorite, “kitchen-sinking”: griping about everything that’s bothered you for the past month. Instead, stick to one issue at a time. Try to lead with “I” statements as opposed to “you” attacks. It can feel awkward at first but it makes a difference in the longrun! Carefully measure your messages, both verbal and nonverbal. Be tactful. Cultivate a “we” instead of “me” attitude as you work toward resolution.
Tip #3: If a discussion gets too heated, call a time-out.
Taking a break is one of the best things you can do to stave off WWIII. Gottman found that the degree of physiological arousal—particularly the husband’s—could be used to predict with 90% accuracy the deterioration of the marriage! Couples whose hearts beat faster, whose blood flowed faster, and who sweated and moved more during confrontations had marriages that were falling apart. In the case of the husband’s heart rate, the correlation was so strong (92%) that the researchers concluded that the higher the heart rate, the greater the likelihood the marriage would end in divorce. Don’t become a statistic. Listen to your body and stop a conversation when it is doing more harm – emotionally and physically – than good.
Tip #4: Make the effort to fight fair.
Focus on the present and avoid rehashing the past. Be patient. Don’t try to read his mind. Listen and clarify. Strive to understand—not change—your partner’s position. Compromise.
Tip #5: Stay connected even during an argument.
Researchers say happy couples make more repair attempts during arguments than unhappy couples. This means happy couples maintain perspective through a shared joke, a quick caress or a quiet smile even during arguments. These gestures defuse a heated situation. They help remind you about your past and your future together beyond the present thorny conversation.
Leading marriage expert John Gottman has made this bold statement: “In a sea of conflict, men sink while women can swim.”
The good news is that knowledge is power. You can absolutely control your own approach to conflict and maintain perspective on your husband’s. Armed with new perspective, you may be able to gently lead your husband toward healthier habits. Conflicts don’t have to lead to withdrawal. When two mature people can lean into each other’s styles, they may not agree on everything but they can keep their marriage strong. After all, as a Scottish proverb says, “Better bend than break.”
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44 Responses to “Inside the Mind of the Married Man: Avoiding Conflict”
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This is the most insightful article I’ve read in a while. It didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know, but it reminded me of the more productive ways to work things out with my husband that I often forget.
Hi.Just something I’ve notice…not just with this article,but over my lifetime.Why is it, that when it’s the topic that goes like this; “I hate sex, and I just don’t want to have sex anymore.I’ll lie or do anything to avoid it, and I can’t help it, I’m tired of faking it.” (that was the wife by the way…)The whole world jumps in to say”HEY!, your husbands NEEEds sex to be healthy!” “It’s important to a marriage….so important, that he will go out and get it elsewhere if you don’t go to therapy or something!”"How terrible, how wrong for a wife to deny something like this to him!”…..Ok….now, here in this article, the husband is also denying what is important to the wife….and all the wife ever gets is…. try to understand how he works….how he feels….how he thinks….his fears, his dreams….WHATERVER!Why doesn’t the husband have to sacrifice? The old time story….women sacrifice themselves to death.Men & children “suck the life out of them” if their left unchecked and men just “are what they are”……no wonder the world of women have had it……
By the way….I don’t hate men, I have a husband, father, brother & sons…. just am sick of the same old how to make your marriage work “For Women” to read….. Thanks , Karen
Thanks for your godly and experienced advice. I am ready to let my hubby know that I really trying to understand him, when he doesn’t want to “go to the mattresses” discuss our situation. So. I will practice tonight or whenever he feels comfortable to talk. Gracias!
diana
Grrr….. although I agree with the principles of this article, it still puts all the responsibilty on the woman to “lead”… this is where I get frustrated. This is like saying the children should be an example to their parents, (not that I am saying that wives are children) it’s just that I am somewhat frustrated with babying men. If am the “leader” in the relationship then I am most happy to set the example for this behaviour, however if men want to lead/should lead, then doesn’t it have to begin with them? Where is the challenge for them to finally face their lack of leadership and step up to the plate to learn what I am learning about them? If they are the weaker sex, then let them own that and not get frustrated when their “wife” is a better leader than they are… sorry… just couldn’t help it… come on guys?? where are you?? We need you to step up your game and face the challenge of leading.
My defintion of leadership: “one who holds great power for the SOLE purpose of empowering others”. Thanks for letting me say it!
How to keep your emotions controlled when you are boiling with frustration and anger inside and he spurs it on by saying absolutely nothing… Could this also be addressed? How to handle this “claming up” even when you are discussing your own sadness or frustration about something else Sometimes there’s a “no response” or “you must have done something wrong” or insinuating that “you are crazy”, “overreacting” and should “chill out”. Statements like these might feel good for the man but hardly for the woman, instead they add to the frustration and fire within and voila’ ww111 has erupted.
The article does point out that women want to discuss and talk about everything to release tension while men like to pretend as if nothing, absolutely nothing is going on and ignoring any signs of an argument or discussion on a deeper level, relating to the couple. It does become a one-way street where the woman starts driving on the left side of the street just so she can run into the man, while he tries to keep cool puttering along on the right side avoiding her at all costs until he’s cornered and has to respond in some way, which then turns into a huge car crash.
Who said relationships are easy?
I agree with Karen. It would be refreshing to find a communication article aimed at men to read. Why is it so crazy to anticipate that a man might want to instigate some relationship TLC? My husband actually does start some of our “couple conversations,” actually. It would be nice if the general public didn’t train men and women in their roles- if there were more materials and articles for my husband to look to for advice.
So men are biologically different. Evolve. Isn’t that why we’re here on this earth anyway? Isn’t that why we got married in the first place? I agree women have to work at marriage. I sure could put this advice better into play. I just wish I wasn’t made to feel like everything is up to me.
I was happy to read this article and it truly did help me see that my approach isn’t always the best and does not lend to being heard or understood. I will do my best and have already shared this with me husband, to begin with a different, less harsh approach. At the same time, I share other women’s frustration in the attitude of “poor guys” just can’t help because they aren’t wired for communication. Too bad. Maybe there are things that women aren’t wired for either, but we have done our best to overcome our shortcomings and learn what we need to learn to have success. Does my husband really get a free ride and I have to do all of the work? Absolutely not and I will not accept that. Being single would be more fullfilling. If I can learn what I need to learn about how my poor mis-wired honey operates and perceives, then he can do the same for me and with each of us making the same amount of effort (oh boy – the effort!) we may actually begin to understand and validate each other. I know that women can be a little self-centered in having their needs met and I would like that to be more equal. If communication is number one on the list for women, then men need to take some classes and learn to deal with their physical responses to conflict. Otherwise, why be married if you don’t want to be in the game. If my husband is reading this – “I love you babe!” We can do it!
I really liked Chris & Karen’s replies! I completely agree. The article is good, as it makes women feel that they are not alone in dealing with husbands who react this way. BUT, I don’t think the steps outlined work for all. My husband is very stubborn, and always clams up, NO MATTER HOW I APPROACH HIM. And, if I ask for another time to talk, he won’t even give a clear response to that… so it never happens. Very, very, very frustrating! I’d like to see the flip-side of this article geared to MEN in how THEY can make changes in this area as well.
From personal experience, find out as much as you can about how the opposite sex is ‘hardwired.’ I was married to a wonderful man, a real keeper, armor, horse, the whole bit. I let him go, because I did not understand how men were and didn’t treat him like the treasure he was. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about being a team. Be loving, humble, respectful all the time.
I agree with Candace. I think it is time for men to take responsibility for the quality of their marriage and their family life. It’s about leadership. They are not little boys – they are men who have a responsibility to love and cherish their wife. That means developing the emotional maturity and skills to deal effectively with conflicts in marriage. Maybe we should spend more time educating them on how to do this (and their responsibility/obligation to do so), rather writing more books and articles for women to ponder.
Well, I just made the mistake of telling my husband a bit about this article. He said, “I already explained to you why men get so stressed out. It’s because they know that the discussion will escalate to the point where they will want to react physically.” So I think he is saying that in a conflict, women will push men to the edge. I made a smart remark about the fact that he knows all; and with us both feeling very stressed, I dropped the subject. Clearly your article hit a sore spot!
Amen, Karen! You said it all! Even as I look through the posts of all the various newsletters, it is mostly women who are writing in, thinking, searching, trying to make the relationship better. Where are these men? My husband always says, “I was thinking about you the whole time”. I guess my better marriage is in his head…:)
Very often a man feels like the hunted or pursued and wants to get away from the conflict because it is so often directed at him in an inescapable, accusatory way. Often the Talk starts with “You made me so mad…”, “I have asked you so many times to…”,”Why can’t you…” He responds by moving away, either physically or mentally — shutting up. He can’t think of either how you could have gotten so mad or an excuse for why he didn’t do even once what you had so often asked (or it is so obvious (to him) that it doesn’t merit explanation.) etc. He is convinced that anything or everything he says will be held against him and is afraid of getting into worse trouble .
Tell him how you yourself feel about something without proclaiming a guilty verdict. Gently ask him to repeat what you said (again and again if needed,) using his own words, so that you know that he understands you. Few men can multitask, so don’t begin to think that he has any idea what you said if he was watching the tube or on his computer when you talk to him, even if his response has a remote resemblence of reason. His memory for it will be gone by the time you leave the room. (It may not seem all that hard to a women but it is for us!)
OK, I can’t speak for all men but this is how it seems to work (or not work) for me.
Thank You for sending this to my email address. I’m hoping by me reading this and then my husband reading this that it will help us in our daily life and enrich our marriage.
The trouble with giving a choice is that sometimes decisions have to be made. We are sitting on huge financial decisions resulting from a series of unusual circumstances (temp disability, lawyers fees, psychological counselling, unemployment). His attitude is to not deal until the decisions are taking away from us. I want this to be a joint decision, but I may not be able to wait much longer.
Awesome article and a wonderful book for couples is “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” by John Gottman.
I must say one of the most blood pressure points with my wife is when she contradicts, challenges or disagrees with my feelings that don’t always involve her. It may simply be “Hey I think we should paint the house.” A simple suggestion like that can lead to a huge argument.
But we’re learning to better our thoughts, feeling and communication. Time’s a essence in a marriage.
Could it be that men see us as their Moms and when we “fight” with them verbaly, it’s like their moms are mad at them (like when they were young.) hang with me here…
So, many boys got in trouble for doing wrong, by their moms. we as their wives start bringing up what they are not doing “right” and they feel threatened, scared, and afraid they will get repremanded. Like they are getting in trouble.
I know this sounds like age old psyco-bable from the early 60’s. But there could be some truth in it.
I dont know any man (in my life/family, circle of friends,) that felt threatened when a male brought up something of perhaps conflict, or issue they did not agree on. They just talk, (short talk of course,) and move on. The exception being between a son and his Dad.
So lets just think about this. But don’t bother trying to suggest it to your husbands, they wont get it.!!
ha
My husband has been a manager for 20 years – he has managed many felmale employees and never once has had a heavy issue or altercation. He gets along very well with female workers, they respect him and speak highly of him. Goes to show it is just me that he has these issues with. Even his sisters and sister-in-laws, cousins etc., it’s all good and fine.
Do the experts have any ideas or thoughts on this?
amy
I think this was a good article and just wanted to point out to those frustrated by the seeming “it’s all on the woman” attitude of these articles. I know some people/organizations may take a biased stand that the woman should do all the work to understand her husband and he doesn’t have any responsibilty in it. If they were truely saying that I could understand your frustration (and would in honesty share it).
However I DO NOT think that is the case here though. What you may be forgetting is that these are the articles for women. These e-mails/marriage newsletters have 2 versions. The one for men is aimed to help them understand us women and the one for us is aimed to help us understand men. There’s no need for them to spend alot of time in our articles explaining how we think or what we need. In fact if you click on the small Men’s option under the top title of your e-mail it will take you to the other version of this month’s Married Life which includes an article titled “How to Talk to Her” giving them advice on efforts they can make to give women the support and attention they need. So don’t be so upset or onguard when you read these articles. I don’t believe they are trying to put it all on our shoulders, they are just giving us the info WE need to make our half of the effort in our relationships. Take it, apply it, and pray God will lead him to do the same.
I admired the eharmony marriages site and the founder of this organization,which is very helpful and resourceful,giving knouledges to those people who don’t have the idea about thier lives.and how to make it better and happier.The topic sounds great appetizer to my taste.Which is the agenda of my weekend.Talking Conflicts in our marriages prior to that date,I send to my hubby the eharmony files of something about quiting and giving-up marriages,that I my husband is very offensive about it,as it’s really touch his ego,and ashame to himself,and told me not to discuss about it.As it’s really a good stuff to open his mind about our relationship and marriages problem.It’s almost a month ago,and he was not open to talk about,but lately he’s convience to this weekend we have a dialogue.and to my part,I don’t think to much,not to overload my head,that need space for this coming Saturday….and I can imagine how’s my husband’s face and reaction to this meeting,and how he manages himself to discuss like were both adult.As for me I read some points to eharmony,so that it will be a new images and face I’m going to present when we see each other this weekend.But to be honest and true to myself,more power eharmony,long live.
Interesting how I read this today! We (meaning ourselves and the other couples in our small community group at church – The Intentional Marriage) just have been talking about this very lesson this last week and John Gottman!). It is very good and my husband and I both learned a lot and are going to try it in our marriage, because lately we have had some communication issues ourselves. I think that this will help us to get back on track. We have also learned a great deal from this group and our leader is exceptional!
However, on another note, I somewhat have to agree with Karen who posted above. My husband is on disability and I am the “breadwinner” in our household, as well as the leader of the family and have to be responsible for everything from the finances to the children to everything else in between. I just wish that sometimes my husband would step up and take charge and be the man for once in our relationship and take care of some of these things such as the finances and such.
It would help out our relationship and me tremendously and then I would feel like doing more things and enjoying our relationship more. Right now, I’m not enjoying much of a relationship. It is more like living with another child or roommate.
Just my thoughts on the matter and how our relationship is at the present time.
I think it is interesting that all the responses so far have been from us women. I think this article also was sent to men? I agree with all of the above responses that say the article seems once again to place responsibility for maintaining the marriage at least 75% on the women’s shoulders. But we already knew that was true anyway! I do think the article made some useful suggestions for maintaining and improving on one’s approach to the inevitable conflicts that occur in any marriage. So, I will approach it in that spirit and try to remember he takes longer to recover from conflict than I do and especially, “to stop a conversation when it is doing more harm – emotionally and physically – than good.” I guess the goal is to keep trying to do better and remember all we have to lose if we don’t.
I think this article has some good points. It’s taken me a decade of being married to figure out how to approach my husband on “thorny” topics, and not have him clam up. Things got really bad for us and we actually went to marriage counseling to get help, which was embarassing for me, but I’m glad we did it. I have to treat him gently when he comes out of his shell. I also have to be willing to let him step away and shelf it for another time if it gets too heated. Listening to the counsel in this article is good. I think the last tip is especially important, to be nice and affectionate, when you aren’t feeling like it (to diffuse the rising heat, and feel connected). Don’t focus on having to win every disagreement either, or you’ll end up losing in the end (win the argument, lose out on fostering love in your marriage). And like the article mentions, don’t bring up all the old stuff, focus on 1 thing at a time but don’t leave him feeling like you hate everything about him and he doesn’t do anything right. I don’t think we should be so concerned about why “men” in general are a certain way, but on why your man is the way he is, and how to embrace him and love him the way he needs to be loved and cared for. We are created differently for a reason. Praise him for the good he does everyday, as simple as it may be (thanks for going to work today for us…etc) I’ve found the more I sincerely praise my husband, the more he’s willing to come out of his shell and “talk.”
This article was helpful in letting me know that men tend to avoid conflict. I distinguish this from being rude and disrespectful to your wife. When there is even the smallest disagreement in my marriage, my husband stops talking to me about everything. He is very open in his contempt toward me. He will refuse to answer even simple questions. This could go on for days and over periods of time when we need to make and important decision. Out of nowhere, he snaps out of it and wants me to respect him as a man of God and tend to his sexual needs. He may even apologize but can’t explain what he is apologizing for or why he responded the way he did. I continually tell him that it is wrong to treat the person who should be closest to him this way. I certainly don’t think God intended for women to feel alone in their marriage relationships. I appreciate this forum because it is very difficult to share this truth about my husband with family or friends.
If you want him to treat you like a queen, treat him like a king! Bless ya
Interesting article indeed, but maybe next time i would lime to read about what’s going on in a woamn’s mind. Maybe there is a guy out there that would like to know…. maybe not
Reading this article, I thought, “Thank God! It’s not just me.” I have felt like I am the only one who has had this experience with her husband. And yes, I question if I am “over reacting” or “crazy”. I too have been incredibly frustrated by the fact that I end up being the one responsible for all this stuff when he is the one that had an emotional affair. Why isn’t he trying to mend our relationship? Instead it feels like I have to “win back” my husband when at this point I’m not even sure I want him back. I want my marriage to work. But I don’t think I should have to be a doormat.
Has anyone here registered on the site as a man and gone over to read the articles and advice they’re getting? I think I’m going to do that. I really want to see if the men are getting complementary advice that works with what we’re being advised to do.
This is great advice, we have been to counseling to help with communication issues and even have a guideline on our refrigerator. However, I can’t follow what he says if it is nothing. He practically refuses to open up and share anything with me. When he is upset with me or angry, whatever the case. I cannot get this man to honestly open up to me and that is the #1 problem with our marriage…got any advice for that.
Why are there only women commenting…
I’ve tried several of the tips. Can not get my husband to be open and honest. Can not get him to honestly work on our issues. I’ve settled until settling hurts. If I’m poofing him up, he’ll listen but when I try to address the things that are hurting me, he makes light of it. I can understand Tiffany’s views. After trying and praying for 14 years for change, Being single seems more fulfilling.
Let’s face it … guys are psychologically wired to work out problems themselves. If a problem is brought to them by the wife, the husband very likely has already spent some time addressing the issue within himself. If she communicates mostly with accusations and repetitive recall of failures and problems, the husband reaches overload – her directed assaults and his already self-blaming concerns. If she communicates with a cooperative and understanding demeanor in conflict, she will elicit a more reasonable and accepting and communicative response from her husband.
Trust me, we are not unfeeling, but we are fixers and that includes the efforts we apply to fix ourselves for our spouses. When you think we are dealing with nothing and pulling the indifferent card, it is simply for space to clear the air of accusations and deal with the underlying issue as best we can reach it.
That’s the whole issue here! Men do not talk! Look on the “For Men” page. Not many comments! It all sounds good. But it’s nothing we women did’nt already know. I feel the same as many women do. I think our husbands need to step up to the plate. They want to wear the pants, but the pants don’t fit! Here’s an old saying. “I’d rather live alone with me, than live alone with you!” Good Luck Ladies! I guess it would’nt hurt to try again, and again, and again! Unless you want to “live alone with you”.
“Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; To be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you to all the women who pointed out that the article puts the pressure on them to understand how men work and to deal with it, while never EVER telling me to stop being babies and learn how women work. I think it was a good article but there should be an equivalent written to men– if you don’t talk to your wife, she is going to find someone who will. I believe in the article but I am holding my husband to a higher expectation.
I’ve noticed that my husband will feel attacked NO MATTER HOW I approach him. If I mention anything that I need different in the relationship, or even any of my needs at all, he takes it as some sort of “proof” that I think he’s stupid, a loser, useless, and so on. I can say, “I feel upset. I need to know that when you promise me something you will follow through. That will help me feel trust in you.” He will respond, “Oh, so in other words I’m a liar and you are doing me a big favour by being with such a loser as me! Why don’t you go find some better man, then, if you think you’re so great and I’m such a loser!!” And that’s the end of the conversation. If I try saying, “That’s okay, dear, you don’t need to promise me. I trust you to do your best,” he responds, “Oh, so I’m not trustworthy?! Okay, fine, I take back all my promises, since you obviously don’t need them! Oh poor you!! Stuck with such a liar! Too bad you couldn’t find a REAL man to be with, right?!” Nothing I say seems to make any difference at all.
I see a lot of women questioning why it is always the woman’s responsibility to lead or take proactive steps in preventing heated arguments. “Why can’t the men understand and be held accountable for their own actions…???”
I can only comment based on my own personal experiences. In the beginning of my marriage, my wife and I talked all the time. We had healthy discussions about our lives and where they were going. We could agree to disagree, but somewhere along the way she started to become very personal during our conversations. She gets very mean, aggressive and abusive with her words. Obviously, as this continues I withdraw from the conversation and relationship. She fails to understand why I am not engaged and disregards the harsh tones she has used. When I try to engage her in conversation and tell her my point of view I am being uncaring, unloving and a “nasty” person. That is if I can actually get a word in without her talking over me.
Everyone, man or woman, should remember one thing during arguments or discussions with a spouse, relative, friend, coworker: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” You must have empathy for the other person’s point of view before you can expect them to understand yours. This will change your entire perspective of any relationship.
Many of the marriages I observe around me have a wife that fails to understand why her husband has an adverse reaction to her aggressive and demeaning behaviors. Many women are too quick to presume husbands are incompetent and uncaring in many areas and that is how the conversations typically start. The wife has a chip on her shoulder from last week and begins each conversation with a negative tone. Husbands are much happier not dwelling on the past and living in the present.
As the article states, men are just happy to be in a relationship most of the time. They want a soft, loving person to come home to at night and it really doesn’t get any more complex than that (maybe sad, but it’s true). Men are simple creatures…period. Treat us well and you will be amazed at the positive response. Treat us poorly and take us for granted you will likely end up in a broken marriage.
my situation is that I try the “I” approach then get bashed with my husband yipping back, “I,I,I,I” and it ends there. Then I try the “You” approach and get him saying, “oh right, it’s always me” then I try the well you’re going golfing today so I’ll run and do some errands … when he says, ” like what do you have to do? Where are you going? Why can’t you wait for me?” it’s ALWAYS about the man and I’m fed up with it. He just recently went [out of town] to his mothers for the weekend, however ended up golfing with his friends Saturday and Sunday. He told everyone he went since his mother was receiving a pace maker, yet he ended up golfing two of the three days. I stated that the girls and I were going out of town for just Saturday and Sunday to Nevada when he went nuts accusing me of trying to “find something new” … I explained that he could at least be as understanding for me to go as I am with him, nonetheless it always ends in a non-communicative stand off. I’m seriously ready to give up on this 6 year mess. It’s always about him!
i am beginning to feel like most men are squirels and we have to “coax” them around with a tasty morsel..this is nuts! Now I know why marriage is so frustrating. Most men want a housekeeper, babysitter, and lover..not a true friend.
While your some of your advice makes sense (pick a time that is mutually agreeable, stay calm, etc.), I am seeing a pattern in most of your marital advice. The pattern is outdated and gender-biased. Much of your advice tells women what to do as the “marriage maintainers”. Your advice tells women how to change their approach to suit the man’s psychological make-up, how women can adjust their behavior to make men feel more comfortable in the discussion, etc. Why do we have to do all the work in the relationship? Why do we have to keep men afloat emotionally if they “sink” under emotional stress? Why can’t they be the ones to learn? Do you also have articles where you tell men how to adjust their behavior based on women’s needs? What about the men making changes based on what we need? Sometimes when I read your advice it sounds like 1950’s “stand by your man” stuff. Women have had to work very hard in this society to be respected in the working world and as human beings. Sometimes I think your advice is taking women backwards.
Wow, is this a hot topic! Recently, I initiated a discussion with my husband that I did not expect to be very heated — but it didn’t take long at all, and my husband was clearly about to “snap”! Luckily, he kept his cool (for the most part), but he made it clear that he cannot deal with these types of conversations right now. (He recently got laid off and is focusing all his energy on his job search.) It all seems very unfair, since all I wanted to do was express how I had been hurt by some things he had said to me recently. I must not have used the right approach, since he reacted as if I was absolutely attacking him. (very similar to SJ’s comments) Oh well. He basically told me to leave him alone, so that’s what I’m gonna do for now. Maybe he’ll be more open to talking to me after he gets his new job? Somehow, I doubt it.
This article is right and communication is very important to me. In fact, I tend to fester on issues if I don’t discuss them.
However, my husband has made it clear that we don’t need to communicate. He feels we should accept each other as we are – if things bother us about the other we should just accept it. No communication is necessary.
I would like to see more articles for me on how to deal with my husband who feels communication is not necessary. How do I deal with no communication. I feel better once I discuss an issue and the festering goes.. but if I can’t discuss how do I avoid the festering.
I agree with many of the woman who have rised the concern about being the one to have to lead the discussion. I have tried this approach many a times and have always come out feeling battered and bruised. I would appraoch the “talk” as rationally and caring as possible and have critism lashed back at me before any break through is made.Is this part of the the fear men have for conflict. We’re currenlty in a no-talking relationship because I refuse to initiate it…probably on the down hill in our marriage because I refuse to be the scape-goat because of his inferiority complex to deal with conflict. Not that he can’t see there’s a problem and maybe I’m hard headed but if he cares eough for me he would want to talk to me to clear the air. I’m on this site to try and fix my marriage so i’m proactively trying to better myself, why cant men do the same?
At the first suggestion I might want to talk about something my husband adopts his “Talk”
mode: arms folded, eyes to the floor – and tenses up waiting for the blow he is sure is coming. It matters not that I start out calm, reasoning, understanding, non threatening …
all the things the books say we as women need to do to just be heard! Because at some point when all that effort results in continued silence or the frustrated and exasperated sigh,
I begin to lose it. I feel it creeping up my body and I know I should leave but at that moment I’m rooted to the spot, and it eventually comes spewing out. We need to solve things together I say if we’re going to go the distance. He complains we’re not connected lately but refuses to see that just maybe refusing to discuss or solve problems together and by leaving me alone with the emotional residue to clean up as best I can has left me understanding I cannot trust he is there for the relationship. He repeatedly simply says he’s sorry he can’t satisfy my needs, as though my need to talk is peculiar only to me. The man has no understanding of women. He is fine being completely left alone and believes that because that’s the way he needs it, I should understand and let him be and if I have a problem, I should solve it the best I can. So much for marriage as an equal partnership. He tells me I should take my needs and shove off and he wonders why I’m now in the emotional grey zone as far as he’s concerned. It hurts when someone you love just refuses to meet you even half way. It’s terribly disappointing to know that someone you’re married to feels his need to not talk is more important than resolving an issue that’s hurting the relationship. He’s a good man in many other ways, but communicating is not one of them. We’ve been married a long time and there are many good moments, but ultimately understanding that problems will NOT be shared and dealt with together has created what feels like an unsafe environment to me, and I’m starting to drift away emotionally.
What are we going to do that we know we can not get our needs met? When is a good time to leave the marrige? Are we ever going to have happiness any more. It looks like we are either being alone or sticking with the marrige. Either way is our destiny which is that we are not going to be happy. As a matter of fact, woman is the weaker sex, because woman needs communication. Communication involves a couple. If we become single again. we are alone with no one to communicate. If we are still in the marrige, our husbands are not able to communicate with us. Our needs still can not be met. Bottom line, woman, we can not get what we need and we are not going to be happy. The day we got into the marrige, we got into a hole and approching towards grave yard. Based on John’s artile, men is not a sensible creature. They do not need communicat. How do we understand each other. Maybe, they do not care, don’t they? Are they happy? We want them to be happy too. Why aren’t only woman happy in the marrige? How come marrige, relationship or communication with you spouse 101 is not taught in school. We spent most our youth, valuable early life to lean something useless. Why not to open this subject in our early life in school, instead of teach old dogs new trick. What a pity.