Comments on: Inside the Mind of the Married Man: Avoiding Conflict

By: Heather

Heather — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:18:56 +0000

What are we going to do that we know we can not get our needs met? When is a good time to leave the marrige? Are we ever going to have happiness any more. It looks like we are either being alone or sticking with the marrige. Either way is our destiny which is that we are not going to be happy. As a matter of fact, woman is the weaker sex, because woman needs communication. Communication involves a couple. If we become single again. we are alone with no one to communicate. If we are still in the marrige, our husbands are not able to communicate with us. Our needs still can not be met. Bottom line, woman, we can not get what we need and we are not going to be happy. The day we got into the marrige, we got into a hole and approching towards grave yard. Based on John’s artile, men is not a sensible creature. They do not need communicat. How do we understand each other. Maybe, they do not care, don’t they? Are they happy? We want them to be happy too. Why aren’t only woman happy in the marrige? How come marrige, relationship or communication with you spouse 101 is not taught in school. We spent most our youth, valuable early life to lean something useless. Why not to open this subject in our early life in school, instead of teach old dogs new trick. What a pity.

By: Karinen

Karinen — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 01:51:23 +0000

At the first suggestion I might want to talk about something my husband adopts his “Talk”
mode: arms folded, eyes to the floor – and tenses up waiting for the blow he is sure is coming. It matters not that I start out calm, reasoning, understanding, non threatening …
all the things the books say we as women need to do to just be heard! Because at some point when all that effort results in continued silence or the frustrated and exasperated sigh,
I begin to lose it. I feel it creeping up my body and I know I should leave but at that moment I’m rooted to the spot, and it eventually comes spewing out. We need to solve things together I say if we’re going to go the distance. He complains we’re not connected lately but refuses to see that just maybe refusing to discuss or solve problems together and by leaving me alone with the emotional residue to clean up as best I can has left me understanding I cannot trust he is there for the relationship. He repeatedly simply says he’s sorry he can’t satisfy my needs, as though my need to talk is peculiar only to me. The man has no understanding of women. He is fine being completely left alone and believes that because that’s the way he needs it, I should understand and let him be and if I have a problem, I should solve it the best I can. So much for marriage as an equal partnership. He tells me I should take my needs and shove off and he wonders why I’m now in the emotional grey zone as far as he’s concerned. It hurts when someone you love just refuses to meet you even half way. It’s terribly disappointing to know that someone you’re married to feels his need to not talk is more important than resolving an issue that’s hurting the relationship. He’s a good man in many other ways, but communicating is not one of them. We’ve been married a long time and there are many good moments, but ultimately understanding that problems will NOT be shared and dealt with together has created what feels like an unsafe environment to me, and I’m starting to drift away emotionally.

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 09:53:22 +0000

I agree with many of the woman who have rised the concern about being the one to have to lead the discussion. I have tried this approach many a times and have always come out feeling battered and bruised. I would appraoch the “talk” as rationally and caring as possible and have critism lashed back at me before any break through is made.Is this part of the the fear men have for conflict. We’re currenlty in a no-talking relationship because I refuse to initiate it…probably on the down hill in our marriage because I refuse to be the scape-goat because of his inferiority complex to deal with conflict. Not that he can’t see there’s a problem and maybe I’m hard headed but if he cares eough for me he would want to talk to me to clear the air. I’m on this site to try and fix my marriage so i’m proactively trying to better myself, why cant men do the same?

By: Anna

Anna — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 20:12:53 +0000

This article is right and communication is very important to me. In fact, I tend to fester on issues if I don’t discuss them.

However, my husband has made it clear that we don’t need to communicate. He feels we should accept each other as we are – if things bother us about the other we should just accept it. No communication is necessary.

I would like to see more articles for me on how to deal with my husband who feels communication is not necessary. How do I deal with no communication. I feel better once I discuss an issue and the festering goes.. but if I can’t discuss how do I avoid the festering.

By: nancy

nancy — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 02:44:26 +0000

Wow, is this a hot topic! Recently, I initiated a discussion with my husband that I did not expect to be very heated — but it didn’t take long at all, and my husband was clearly about to “snap”! Luckily, he kept his cool (for the most part), but he made it clear that he cannot deal with these types of conversations right now. (He recently got laid off and is focusing all his energy on his job search.) It all seems very unfair, since all I wanted to do was express how I had been hurt by some things he had said to me recently. I must not have used the right approach, since he reacted as if I was absolutely attacking him. (very similar to SJ’s comments) Oh well. He basically told me to leave him alone, so that’s what I’m gonna do for now. Maybe he’ll be more open to talking to me after he gets his new job? Somehow, I doubt it.

By: jennifer

jennifer — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:19:00 +0000

While your some of your advice makes sense (pick a time that is mutually agreeable, stay calm, etc.), I am seeing a pattern in most of your marital advice. The pattern is outdated and gender-biased. Much of your advice tells women what to do as the “marriage maintainers”. Your advice tells women how to change their approach to suit the man’s psychological make-up, how women can adjust their behavior to make men feel more comfortable in the discussion, etc. Why do we have to do all the work in the relationship? Why do we have to keep men afloat emotionally if they “sink” under emotional stress? Why can’t they be the ones to learn? Do you also have articles where you tell men how to adjust their behavior based on women’s needs? What about the men making changes based on what we need? Sometimes when I read your advice it sounds like 1950’s “stand by your man” stuff. Women have had to work very hard in this society to be respected in the working world and as human beings. Sometimes I think your advice is taking women backwards.

By: JANET

JANET — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 00:56:39 +0000

i am beginning to feel like most men are squirels and we have to “coax” them around with a tasty morsel..this is nuts! Now I know why marriage is so frustrating. Most men want a housekeeper, babysitter, and lover..not a true friend.

By: GG

GG — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 17:11:25 +0000

my situation is that I try the “I” approach then get bashed with my husband yipping back, “I,I,I,I” and it ends there. Then I try the “You” approach and get him saying, “oh right, it’s always me” then I try the well you’re going golfing today so I’ll run and do some errands … when he says, ” like what do you have to do? Where are you going? Why can’t you wait for me?” it’s ALWAYS about the man and I’m fed up with it. He just recently went [out of town] to his mothers for the weekend, however ended up golfing with his friends Saturday and Sunday. He told everyone he went since his mother was receiving a pace maker, yet he ended up golfing two of the three days. I stated that the girls and I were going out of town for just Saturday and Sunday to Nevada when he went nuts accusing me of trying to “find something new” … I explained that he could at least be as understanding for me to go as I am with him, nonetheless it always ends in a non-communicative stand off. I’m seriously ready to give up on this 6 year mess. It’s always about him!

By: Randy

Randy — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 22:46:48 +0000

I see a lot of women questioning why it is always the woman’s responsibility to lead or take proactive steps in preventing heated arguments. “Why can’t the men understand and be held accountable for their own actions…???”
I can only comment based on my own personal experiences. In the beginning of my marriage, my wife and I talked all the time. We had healthy discussions about our lives and where they were going. We could agree to disagree, but somewhere along the way she started to become very personal during our conversations. She gets very mean, aggressive and abusive with her words. Obviously, as this continues I withdraw from the conversation and relationship. She fails to understand why I am not engaged and disregards the harsh tones she has used. When I try to engage her in conversation and tell her my point of view I am being uncaring, unloving and a “nasty” person. That is if I can actually get a word in without her talking over me.
Everyone, man or woman, should remember one thing during arguments or discussions with a spouse, relative, friend, coworker: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” You must have empathy for the other person’s point of view before you can expect them to understand yours. This will change your entire perspective of any relationship.
Many of the marriages I observe around me have a wife that fails to understand why her husband has an adverse reaction to her aggressive and demeaning behaviors. Many women are too quick to presume husbands are incompetent and uncaring in many areas and that is how the conversations typically start. The wife has a chip on her shoulder from last week and begins each conversation with a negative tone. Husbands are much happier not dwelling on the past and living in the present.
As the article states, men are just happy to be in a relationship most of the time. They want a soft, loving person to come home to at night and it really doesn’t get any more complex than that (maybe sad, but it’s true). Men are simple creatures…period. Treat us well and you will be amazed at the positive response. Treat us poorly and take us for granted you will likely end up in a broken marriage.

By: SJ

SJ — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 20:24:16 +0000

I’ve noticed that my husband will feel attacked NO MATTER HOW I approach him. If I mention anything that I need different in the relationship, or even any of my needs at all, he takes it as some sort of “proof” that I think he’s stupid, a loser, useless, and so on. I can say, “I feel upset. I need to know that when you promise me something you will follow through. That will help me feel trust in you.” He will respond, “Oh, so in other words I’m a liar and you are doing me a big favour by being with such a loser as me! Why don’t you go find some better man, then, if you think you’re so great and I’m such a loser!!” And that’s the end of the conversation. If I try saying, “That’s okay, dear, you don’t need to promise me. I trust you to do your best,” he responds, “Oh, so I’m not trustworthy?! Okay, fine, I take back all my promises, since you obviously don’t need them! Oh poor you!! Stuck with such a liar! Too bad you couldn’t find a REAL man to be with, right?!” Nothing I say seems to make any difference at all.