Releasing Control
Click here to listen to Today’s Marriage Minute with Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott
Additional Thoughts on Releasing Control from the Parrotts
Be honest. You do it. We all do it. We complain and nag and think to ourselves: If he/she would just do things the way I do, this would be a wonderful relationship! But that’s a surefire way to end up frustrated and resentful – fast. It’s never wise to attempt to change another person – and that goes double if that person is your spouse!
Remember, the only person you have true control over is yourself. Ingrain that into your mind and heart. It can be one of the best things each of us does for ourselves and our relationships.
We can make a tremendous breakthrough by just recognizing our impulse to instruct, criticize or manipulate our spouse into being more like us. We need to try and pause each time the impulse strikes. Take a breath and allow for the other person. Every time both a husband and wife suspend audible evaluation and coercion (trying to make the other person be more expressive, more logical, more whatever), they can each take a step closer to true intimacy. After all, accepting a person as they are is the very definition of unconditional love.
Many of us get caught in a tit-for-tat game in marriage: If you do this, then I will hand you my love. This attitude does not make for a strong, vibrant marriage. It paves the road toward emotional distance and bitterness. None of us wants to end up alone and bitter, right? So shifting towards a better approach is vital.
A simple pause is the first easy step. This simple pause helps each of you to calm down and let go of that need to change one another. And when both of you are practicing this exercise, you’ll be amazed at how your marriage can begin to bloom. Why, you ask? Just think about it. Rarely in life do two people intentionally give one another the grace to be who they are without judgment or critique. It is possibly the most powerful gift one person can hand another.
It may be hard for many frustrated married couples to begin this process. It takes real maturity. You may be more interested in a quick way to get your spouse to grow up, or share feelings, or fulfill your needs. These are all-important things, but you can get closer to addressing them when each of you truly shifts from a “me” to a “we” perspective.
A final thought to keep in mind: all too often we lose sight of how our partner’s qualities actually complement our own. In the end, it’s impossible to have a partner who possesses qualities that complement yours and still expect him or her to be just like you. A true lifelong partnership is a constant balancing act.
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This is so true, we are all control freaks. I am one and my husband is one and I even believe my three year is trying to be one too. So, you can imagine what our house sounds like when all three of us are home. We definitely need to tone it down a bit and take a step back and think. Awesome tip!!!
i read this today when i was feeling lost – the key concept is maturity- my husband and i are having problems and maybe i want a quick fix because i am loosing my bestfriend- comments are read the wrong way. i had sign up for eharmony marriage and he does not want to do that or counseling but keeps on bringing up that i hurt and negelected him when the children came- he is right on somethiongs but how was i to know any different our kids are 3 and 4 yrs old and i worked a demanding job while he was doing his professional training. he will not get past the past when i talk about the future etc he says well you hurt me -he sees both of us hurting now and yet says he does not want out of the marriage- so this article helps alittle in what seems to be a hopeless situation of the blame game on his part
Wonderful points made. Our opposite manners DO compliment eachother I feel. I think I’ll ask him to read this when he says, “But we’re so different.”
This is for Nicole. It sounds like your husband is hanging onto the past by repeating that he was hurt and neglected by you when the babies came. He may need to work on the concept of letting go of past hurts and forgiveness so he can move on. He sounds like he’s stuck in his pain.
I am assuming that when your husband married you, not only did he expect you to be his wife, but also the mother of his children. Generally speaking, with marriage comes children, and they usually start out as tiny babies. The fact that when children come into the world that they are tiny babies means that they are completely helpless.
In order to be a good parent, many times [and, no, not ALL the time] you have to sacrifice your own needs to take care of this helpless infant. It’s called growing up and putting someone else’s needs before your own.
Being in a relationship involves pain and it involves work, alot of work. If your husband refuses to face the work involved to repair the problems in the marriage, then decides to end his marriage, he will only take those same problems with him in his next relationship.
Here is a quote from the therapist of KeepYourMarriage.com: “You and your mate both have important life lessons to learn from your relationship. That’s why you found each other – to learn those important life lessons.”
” . . ., it’s no accident that you and your partner found each other. It wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a mistake. It’s exactly what you needed to be pushed or kicked through the doorway of change–to get you to go to your next stage of growth and development.”
I have learned alot about myself as a person because of being married to my husband. I know I am a better person today because of the hardships and the pain I have endured in my marriage.
I can whole-heartedly agree with these responses because my husband and I are both control freaks! He wants me to follow him because he’s the “MAN” of the house and I want to be heard and included in the decision-making processes so we bump heads alot. This advice is so helpful to me because we are newlyweds and we want to stay married for a lifetime without all the fussing and fighting. Life is short, so it’s not hard to let some things go if you truly love your significant other. Thanks for the advice and keep it coming!
This was helpful for me to see this reminder – my husband outright refuses to go to therapy, to read any self-help books, to visit any websites, or to fill out surveys or other things I think would be “helpful” to strengthen our marriage. I still believe it’s important (and we have issues serious enough to warrant attention), but at least this is a stepping stone for me… it’s helpful to be reminded that the only person I can control is myself. thanks!
Hey Barbara – that is exactly what I needed to hear. With that comment and the rainbow that’s outside, I feel much better. My marriage of 15 years is ending – after 4 boys together. He was married before and kept comparing me to his ex even though I am nothing like her. I have tried so hard to keep this family together, but he has anger, control and depression issues that he is not willing to take responsibility for. I have been in counseling for a couple of years and have gotten stronger in voicing my opinions and my needs. I have been suffering from depression for years and am tired of living like this. I want a better life for my kids and I am learning how to do it. I did need to learn to take care of MYSELF as well as other people. I was a doormat for so many years. My soon to be ex helped me to overcome that. I guess I owe him a thank you.
I have come to realize that when I to release myself to God and ask God to solve the problem areas in my marriage then this concept of unconditional love will begin to work in my life. I love my husband very much and I kept thinking (wrongly, but still I did it) that if he would just do this differently or love me this way then we could be reallymuch more happier. I didn’t even realize that I was selfishly not being willing to look for and meet his needs. I do realize now that as I look for and meet his needs then the opposite will happen in time. God will do the work as I trust Him to change me so I can meet my husbands needs. Guys are very soft inside and we don’t always realize how much we can hurt them by our words and actions. I need to remember to encourage my husband as I see the day approaching.
I agree that it’s futile to try to make your partner become more like you. Thanks for that helpful reminder. I have caught myself trying to “instruct” my spouse, and he has responded very negatively — basically just telling me to leave him alone. I guess I can understand why he’d react that way… but, at the same time, it seems unfair for him to shut me out, when all I was trying to express to him was “I was hurt when you told me such-and-such, in a very belittling way. I realize that you’re under a lot of stress right now, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to say mean things.” He simply did NOT want to hear it! Okay … I will try to take your advice by remembering that I can only change myself, and by shifting to a “we” perspective. This long-term relationship business is truly hard work, but I’m glad there are websites like this to help!
I have almost the same problems as most of the comments Ive read. I feel like my husband and I will not make it together, he has a history of a neglected childhood, and it affects our children. He doesn’t spend time with his son, he told me last night, that when he does, it makes him feel sad! This is a real problem for us as a family, I try so hard to reach him, but it seems impossible, we need help, Ive tried going to church with him, it seems to help at first, but that even fizzles out. We are in financial trouble, so that is not making our problems any better, we abuse alcohol sometimes to mask the issues, but that is not the answer. Our medical insurance will not pay for marriage counseling, so I am at my wits end, I love my husband so much, we will be married 10 years this December, we have known each other for 19. We have a long history together, and I want to keep it that way. Sorry if Ive got off track from the previous comments.
My husband and I were married 4 years ago and one of the things that made me fall in love with him was his love for God. He was taking online classes to be a preacher, was on a 40 day fast to get Gods direction about our future together. We prayed together and talked about spiritual things all the time. Things were good for the first two years and he started changing. He doesn’t admit it but I think his relationship with his daughter caused some bitterness and unforgiveness in him at the time. They were real close even though she lived in another state with her mother. He saw her one weekend a month. They talked everyday on the phone. She started pulling away. (She’s 17 now.) To me she was trying to grow up and he didn’t want her to so she got to the point she didn’t even want to see him or talk to him. Now she is in a racial relationship and has had a baby. He has been heartbroken. They haven’t really talked for over a year. She will call my cell phone to talk to me but won’t talk to him. I believe bitterness and unforgiveness can put up walls between a person and God. I don’t know, this is my perspective. Anyway, he started checking out other women. Almost to a drool type constant stare until they were out of his sight with me right there. Not even realizing he was doing it. I’ve seen where he has been in porn several times and he denies it, even though the proof is in black and white. He started lying to me about things that meant nothing as well as big things. He will only go to church on Sunday mornings now. (He used do that before he even got saved) Christian music was the only music he would allow our kids to listen to and all he listened to. Now when he gets in my truck and Christian music is on, he changes it or turns it off. He saves songs on his phone that are horrible. I ask him about it and he says nothing is changed. He is still saved. He loves me. We talk on the phone several times a day. First thing in the morning, he calls me. I call him on my lunch. I call him again after work. Then he calls me when his free minutes start and we talk for hours everyday. Now we don’t talk about God like we used to. Our conversations are getting typical. We always say we love each other at the end of every call. He will still thank God for things that happen that are good. I know we still love each other. How do you accept the change when it’s against everything WE believed in without trying to change them. If he was that way when I married him then I could understand not trying to change him. But I wouldn’t have even dated him let alone married him if he was like this when I met him. (Which was on a Christian dating sight.) Am I suppose to just accept this behavior? How do I do that with peace? It’s like he has no conscience now. He is a truck driver and only home on weekends. The weekends we have together are great if I don’t bring up the change. Which I don’t anymore. It gets worse if I say anything. We do enjoy cooking together, shopping, and just hanging out together and we have great sex. I just don’t know what to do. Aren’t we suppose to be accountable to each other. If I don’t say anything, aren’t I condoning his actions? I feel I can’t trust him and wonder if I will lose him to all these online sights that are out there. Help!
I am not sure whether to let go and let God or just let go. I have known my husband for 7 years, and we have been married for two. He is doing a great job of taking care of my oldest boys as if they were his own, however our relationship is torn. Some days I truely feel as if I am raising a bunch of little boys. I am the main caregiver so some resentment has set in because of how he handles money (that we don’t have) and because he constantly says how he wishes he would have gotten his life together before we got married. I feel like he should do it so that he won’t resent our relationship or marriage, but he feels the need to stick in it. We do not at this moment get along. I try to speak to him as little as possible because I know that he will say something that will piss me off or just make me wonder what was I thinking. I know alot of this is my fauslt, but I don’t know what direction to turn to.
well i have been married for almost 3 yrs . but here a month ago my husbend left me . he says i am to conttorling. i have beed trying everthing i can think of. but it sems like i still keep messing up. he is coming over and staying for awhile. but then when he gets ready to leave i get upset. so then he tells me i am being controling. i need some help with this. cause i love him . i just dont know what to do ? he is a hared worker . but it is driving me carzy. i know i have done somethings to hurt are relationship. but i dont know if there is any hope with are marriage.i know alot of this is my fauslts.