Comments on: Voice of Experience Question: What do you do to stay connected as a couple? http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/ Free Marriage Articles, Advice and Tips For Better Communication, Less Fighting and More Intimacy Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:56:46 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: coachdoreen http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1128 coachdoreen Thu, 16 Aug 2007 13:31:58 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1128 Theresa, There is power in one in that when a person makes new choices the dynamics of the relationship has to change. Yet this only goes so far. For instance, you can make a choice to respond to a situation from a place of love rather than fear. As an example, you can choose to reach out for affection when you're not sure of the outcome because that is what you authentically want to do. I know that these last couple of years I have intentionally detached myself from the outcome and chose vulnerability rather than hiding, by behaving authentically no matter what. Living in freedom to be myself was my reward. However, my husband hasn't made significant changes because he doesn't feel a need to. Why? Because he is perfectly content with the way things are. I've known that for a long time yet by putting myself out there, making it known to him what I want rather than having silent expectations, allowing Christ to live through me rather than simiply reacting, have all made things very clear. I am willing to believe the things I've always known: My husband doesn't make excuses for his choices. The bottom line: One person cannot create an intimate relationship and that is what marriage is. One question I always ask myself is, "What would I do if there was nothing to be afraid of?" Now it's time for me to make a different choice in freedom. Theresa,
There is power in one in that when a person makes new choices the dynamics of the relationship has to change. Yet this only goes so far. For instance, you can make a choice to respond to a situation from a place of love rather than fear. As an example, you can choose to reach out for affection when you’re not sure of the outcome because that is what you authentically want to do.
I know that these last couple of years I have intentionally detached myself from the outcome and chose vulnerability rather than hiding, by behaving authentically no matter what. Living in freedom to be myself was my reward.
However, my husband hasn’t made significant changes because he doesn’t feel a need to. Why? Because he is perfectly content with the way things are. I’ve known that for a long time yet by putting myself out there, making it known to him what I want rather than having silent expectations, allowing Christ to live through me rather than simiply reacting, have all made things very clear. I am willing to believe the things I’ve always known: My husband doesn’t make excuses for his choices.

The bottom line: One person cannot create an intimate relationship and that is what marriage is.

One question I always ask myself is, “What would I do if there was nothing to be afraid of?”

Now it’s time for me to make a different choice in freedom.

]]> By: Carrie http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1125 Carrie Thu, 16 Aug 2007 01:20:43 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1125 We have been married for 11 years, second marriages for both of us. Raised (or are in the process of raising) 4 children. Creating time for just the two of us has helped to strengthen our marriage and keep it fun. Our weekly date night began as taking turns planning an inexpensive outing for just the two of us, that turned into bringing kids along because they were so much fun, so our second date night each week is just for us, usually spent at home relaxing and enjoying time together while the kids are at their "other parents homes". We never end a conversation on the phone or leave for work or an outing with out saying I love you, never take for granted the other person "just knows" this, tell them any way you can in voice and with small gestures; lipstick on the mirror, notes in lunch boxes, messages left in the car, e-mails etc. it keeps you guessing and makes your heart feel warm all day! We have been married for 11 years, second marriages for both of us. Raised (or are in the process of raising) 4 children. Creating time for just the two of us has helped to strengthen our marriage and keep it fun. Our weekly date night began as taking turns planning an inexpensive outing for just the two of us, that turned into bringing kids along because they were so much fun, so our second date night each week is just for us, usually spent at home relaxing and enjoying time together while the kids are at their “other parents homes”. We never end a conversation on the phone or leave for work or an outing with out saying I love you, never take for granted the other person “just knows” this, tell them any way you can in voice and with small gestures; lipstick on the mirror, notes in lunch boxes, messages left in the car, e-mails etc. it keeps you guessing and makes your heart feel warm all day!

]]> By: tr http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1107 tr Thu, 09 Aug 2007 18:39:21 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1107 I have been married for 5 years and i don't believe that you can create a connection with your partner, its either there or it's not. If it's real; sitting on the couch with nothing to say can be enough because you feel the devine spark that made you come together in the first place. If it's not than you tell yourself that going to dinner every friday will help keep us in love. I ask this," what if there was wwIII and we lost everything? NO movies no jobs no retaurants, but you where alive.What would you do to keep you together than?" I believe it is okay to think bigger, love harder, and do what it is in you to do. Not what you where taught or told or just think you SHOULD do. The world could end in the next thirty minutes, do you really want to have doubts on whether that dinner last friday saved your marriage or if you loving for real did. I have been married for 5 years and i don’t believe that you can create a connection with your partner, its either there or it’s not. If it’s real; sitting on the couch with nothing to say can be enough because you feel the devine spark that made you come together in the first place. If it’s not than you tell yourself that going to dinner every friday will help keep us in love. I ask this,” what if there was wwIII and we lost everything? NO movies no jobs no retaurants, but you where alive.What would you do to keep you together than?” I believe it is okay to think bigger, love harder, and do what it is in you to do. Not what you where taught or told or just think you SHOULD do. The world could end in the next thirty minutes, do you really want to have doubts on whether that dinner last friday saved your marriage or if you loving for real did.

]]> By: coachdoreen http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1103 coachdoreen Wed, 08 Aug 2007 21:45:45 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1103 Kenya, First of all, my heart goes out to you and your children. I am encouraged to hear you are aware of the message that you’re giving your children by staying in this relationship and to hear that you don’t respect yourself right now because awareness is the first step to change. The next step is the willingness to act upon what you know. Don’t you think it is time to seek some legal counsel? I say this because you say your husband refused to move out and it may not be in your best financial and future interest to leave. As far as ending your marriage here are some things to think about when fear rears its ugly head and causes you doubt yourself: First of all, whether your husband loves you or not doesn’t even matter now. Someone can say they love us all they want, yet if they don’t have moral clarity and the resolve to keep committed to us love is meaningless just as faith without works is meaningless. So don’t let his love be an issue. Second, we women especially, because of our nurturing nature, have a strong tendency to see others not as they are, rather we focus on their potential. This is a big mistake. Again, potential is not the same thing as reality. We can find ourselves wishing, waiting and hoping for years based on what we “hope will potentially happen.” Next, a person doesn’t have to be a “bad” person for it to be okay for us to choose not to be in an intimate relationship with them. We all have strengths and weaknesses in us. Again, the question is how does this person make me feel? Is this a person I can trust? Does this person share my deepest values? If the answer to these is no, then how can you experience intimacy with this person? Intimacy begins with being authentic; living in freedom without a mask. In the past 24 hours, what percentage of the time have you been living in freedom; have you been true to yourself? I believe you would be greatly helped by seeking the support of someone who will help you build trust in yourself again. The first thing I would recommend is to forgive yourself and then to clarify what it is you want, and what values you want to model to your children. What would it mean to be true to yourself? Write out what you want to be committed to and as you keep your commitments to yourself, you will learn to trust yourself. coachdoreen www.coachdoreen.com Kenya,
First of all, my heart goes out to you and your children. I am encouraged to hear you are aware of the message that you’re giving your children by staying in this relationship and to hear that you don’t respect yourself right now because awareness is the first step to change.
The next step is the willingness to act upon what you know.
Don’t you think it is time to seek some legal counsel? I say this because you say your husband refused to move out and it may not be in your best financial and future interest to leave.
As far as ending your marriage here are some things to think about when fear rears its ugly head and causes you doubt yourself:
First of all, whether your husband loves you or not doesn’t even matter now. Someone can say they love us all they want, yet if they don’t have moral clarity and the resolve to keep committed to us love is meaningless just as faith without works is meaningless. So don’t let his love be an issue.
Second, we women especially, because of our nurturing nature, have a strong tendency to see others not as they are, rather we focus on their potential. This is a big mistake. Again, potential is not the same thing as reality. We can find ourselves wishing, waiting and hoping for years based on what we “hope will potentially happen.”
Next, a person doesn’t have to be a “bad” person for it to be okay for us to choose not to be in an intimate relationship with them. We all have strengths and weaknesses in us. Again, the question is how does this person make me feel? Is this a person I can trust? Does this person share my deepest values? If the answer to these is no, then how can you experience intimacy with this person? Intimacy begins with being authentic; living in freedom without a mask. In the past 24 hours, what percentage of the time have you been living in freedom; have you been true to yourself?
I believe you would be greatly helped by seeking the support of someone who will help you build trust in yourself again.
The first thing I would recommend is to forgive yourself and then to clarify what it is you want, and what values you want to model to your children.
What would it mean to be true to yourself? Write out what you want to be committed to and as you keep your commitments to yourself, you will learn to trust yourself.
coachdoreen
http://www.coachdoreen.com

]]> By: P http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1099 P Wed, 08 Aug 2007 04:52:46 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1099 Kenya, I will also pray for you and your family. If he will not end the affair you have to get him out of your home and begin to rebuild your life. This situation is emotionally abusive. It is destructive to your self esteem and mental well being, not to mention what this has to be doing to your children and the example it is setting. Theresa, From my own experience I believe you definitely need a sincere apology and he should definitely ask for forgiveness. Without an expression of REMORSE, admission of GUILT and a SINCERE APOLOGY it is really impossible to start the process of forgiving and rebuilding. I have been married for 22 years. Unfortunately my husband and I have not done a very good job of staying connected. I have tried very hard to maintain some common interests- we both enjoy Nascar Racing. We make a point of going to one race together a season. I would like to watch the races together at home, but most of the time he chooses to watch the races with his friends at a bar his brother owns. I ask him all of the time. I beg him to spend time with me. I ask for dinner and a movie, even dinner home, an overnight get away, a walk together, whatever bone he will throw me. He has a difficult time rearranging his schedule for his family but does not seem to have the same problems with regards to his friends. Seven years ago my husband had an affair with a married women. She lived next door. Our families were friends. We went out together as couples. We had children the same age. We were all close friends. This affair nearly destroyed my family -emotionally, financially, and physically. I understand the need to stay connected because I do not want to go down that road again. How do you get a partner to make the same committment to finding time to connect? I am also very jealous of those of you that have managed to make God a common ground and center of your relationship. While my husband and I were both baptised and raised Catholic by high school he had fallen away from the Church and I have continued to stay active in my Church and have worked very hard to raise my children with a good faith background. It has been a huge issue in our marriage. My oldest daughter is going to college this fall. Her sister is right behind her. In just a short time we will be empty nesters. If we cannot find some common interests and commit to working on our marriage there will not be any good reasons to stay together. I am a very lonely member of a family of four already and my children haven't actually left the nest. I had always thought that when my children got older and became more independent it would give us more time but that hasn't worked out as I had hoped. I apologize for getting so wordy. I guess I am just wondering what to do if one partner is more dedicated to finding a way to stay connected. How do you save a marriage when only one is willing to work at it? The ideas I have read for staying connected were great, some were very creative but what if you are the only one trying? Kenya,
I will also pray for you and your family. If he will not end the affair you have to get him out of your home and begin to rebuild your life. This situation is emotionally abusive. It is destructive to your self esteem and mental well being, not to mention what this has to be doing to your children and the example it is setting.

Theresa,
From my own experience I believe you definitely need a sincere apology and he should definitely ask for forgiveness. Without an expression of REMORSE, admission of GUILT and a SINCERE APOLOGY it is really impossible to start the process of forgiving and rebuilding.

I have been married for 22 years. Unfortunately my husband and I have not done a very good job of staying connected. I have tried very hard to maintain some common interests- we both enjoy Nascar Racing. We make a point of going to one race together a season. I would like to watch the races together at home, but most of the time he chooses to watch the races with his friends at a bar his brother owns. I ask him all of the time. I beg him to spend time with me. I ask for dinner and a movie, even dinner home, an overnight get away, a walk together, whatever bone he will throw me. He has a difficult time rearranging his schedule for his family but does not seem to have the same problems with regards to his friends.

Seven years ago my husband had an affair with a married women. She lived next door. Our families were friends. We went out together as couples. We had children the same age. We were all close friends. This affair nearly destroyed my family -emotionally, financially, and physically. I understand the need to stay connected because I do not want to go down that road again. How do you get a partner to make the same committment to finding time to connect?

I am also very jealous of those of you that have managed to make God a common ground and center of your relationship. While my husband and I were both baptised and raised Catholic by high school he had fallen away from the Church and I have continued to stay active in my Church and have worked very hard to raise my children with a good faith background. It has been a huge issue in our marriage.

My oldest daughter is going to college this fall. Her sister is right behind her. In just a short time we will be empty nesters. If we cannot find some common interests and commit to working on our marriage there will not be any good reasons to stay together. I am a very lonely member of a family of four already and my children haven’t actually left the nest. I had always thought that when my children got older and became more independent it would give us more time but that hasn’t worked out as I had hoped.

I apologize for getting so wordy. I guess I am just wondering what to do if one partner is more dedicated to finding a way to stay connected. How do you save a marriage when only one is willing to work at it? The ideas I have read for staying connected were great, some were very creative but what if you are the only one trying?

]]> By: Teresa http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1085 Teresa Sat, 04 Aug 2007 22:50:18 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1085 My husband and I have been married for over 18 yrs. He recentlyadmitted (2 wks ago) that he had an affair with a co-worker(who became pregnant). We both agreed that we will try to save our marriage. I have asked my husband several questions concerning this affair. He became upset because he felt like the details concerning the affair would not change anything. I feel like I need this information for closure. Also he seems to regret having this affair, but he has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. Am I wrong for expecting him to answer questions concerning this affair? Also, should I bring to his attention that he has not apoligized or asked for forgiveness? My husband and I have been married for over 18 yrs. He recentlyadmitted (2 wks ago) that he had an affair with a co-worker(who became pregnant). We both agreed that we will try to save our marriage. I have asked my husband several questions concerning this affair. He became upset because he felt like the details concerning the affair would not change anything. I feel like I need this information for closure. Also he seems to regret having this affair, but he has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. Am I wrong for expecting him to answer questions concerning this affair? Also, should I bring to his attention that he has not apoligized or asked for forgiveness?

]]> By: Amber http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1069 Amber Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:55:13 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1069 Kenya, I will pray for you and your family. I trust that GOD will be your sufficiency during this incredibly difficult time. loving GOD...loving you, amber Kenya,
I will pray for you and your family. I trust that GOD will be your sufficiency during this incredibly difficult time.

loving GOD…loving you,
amber

]]> By: Holly http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1061 Holly Wed, 01 Aug 2007 12:37:13 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1061 My husband and I have been married for 10 1/2 months, but both have very busy schedules with our jobs and volunteering at our church. We were married on Sept. 23 and so every month on the 23rd we do something special together. If we have to, we'll schedule it on another date, but we try to take that one day (or part of the day) and make it "ours." Sometimes we'll go for a walk, rent a movie or whatever. I admit, we've discovered already it takes creativity. For example, last month on the 23rd, I left with the kids from our church for camp and my husband was not going. He leaves for work at 5:00 AM and I got up early and had breakfast with him before he left. Even thought it was cold pop tarts, it was a special time for the two of us. My husband and I have been married for 10 1/2 months, but both have very busy schedules with our jobs and volunteering at our church. We were married on Sept. 23 and so every month on the 23rd we do something special together. If we have to, we’ll schedule it on another date, but we try to take that one day (or part of the day) and make it “ours.” Sometimes we’ll go for a walk, rent a movie or whatever. I admit, we’ve discovered already it takes creativity. For example, last month on the 23rd, I left with the kids from our church for camp and my husband was not going. He leaves for work at 5:00 AM and I got up early and had breakfast with him before he left. Even thought it was cold pop tarts, it was a special time for the two of us.

]]> By: JaneM http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1046 JaneM Wed, 01 Aug 2007 01:20:41 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1046 My husband and I have mutual respect for one another at all times. As his wife, I do not try to change him or make him think and feel the way I do. We are both individuals who have our own feelings. We respect that and appreciate the differences. We both live with an "attitude of gratitude" for the things we do for one another and the family. We don't take things for granted and truly look to the positive in our relationship. This is what keeps us connected. In the big picture the only thing that matters is the relationships you keep. We won't waste precious time keeping score on the number of chores each of us completes. What ever we do, we do it out of love for one another--not to compete. We have been married for 26 years and our connection is better than ever! My husband and I have mutual respect for one another at all times. As his wife, I do not try to change him or make him think and feel the way I do. We are both individuals who have our own feelings. We respect that and appreciate the differences. We both live with an “attitude of gratitude” for the things we do for one another and the family. We don’t take things for granted and truly look to the positive in our relationship. This is what keeps us connected. In the big picture the only thing that matters is the relationships you keep. We won’t waste precious time keeping score on the number of chores each of us completes. What ever we do, we do it out of love for one another–not to compete. We have been married for 26 years and our connection is better than ever!

]]> By: Karen http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/comment-page-1/#comment-1035 Karen Tue, 31 Jul 2007 21:13:10 +0000 http://newsletter.marriage.eharmony.com/2007/07/voe-stay-connected/#comment-1035 We do not have children, but we do get caught up in the day to day things. We both work a lot and spend time with our family. To reconnect, we plan 2 big vacations a year and a lot of overnight vacations through out the year. The overnight maybe just going away for a short overnight trip or an overnight vacation at home. If we stay home we plan things together and make sure that we do not do home projects. We plan a special dinner that we cook together and then a special evening together. We do not have children, but we do get caught up in the day to day things. We both work a lot and spend time with our family. To reconnect, we plan 2 big vacations a year and a lot of overnight vacations through out the year.

The overnight maybe just going away for a short overnight trip or an overnight vacation at home. If we stay home we plan things together and make sure that we do not do home projects. We plan a special dinner that we cook together and then a special evening together.

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