Baby…Boom!
Do you have a new baby? Congratulations! Do you have one or more small people running amuck in your home? How wonderful. Does that home now more closely resemble a bomb crater than it does a dwelling place fit for human beings? Are you picking your way through the debris—the rubble of strollers, bottles, dirty clothes, and talking plastic gizmos—that now litters your domestic landscape?
Welcome to the foxhole, friend. Here’s a helmet.
We know the feeling. The three (make that six) of us have endured seven major diaper-bomb assaults in the last five years and lived to tell the tale. Parenthood changed us, and our relationships, in the most unexpected ways. This is what they meant with the whole for better or for worse business at our weddings. Parenthood fills us with awe and humility and gratitude. It is also a soggy, uncomfortable, life-altering trial by fire. Babies are the great levelers. Like a drill sergeant who tears down his weak new recruits so he can rebuild them into soldiers, babies break us down and rebuild us into parents. They flatten everything in sight, and then make us better, stronger, and hopefully, wiser than we were before.
The newborn stage is precious, but it’s also tough. The name of the game is survival. When you are going through it, it seems like it will never end. But it lasts just a few short months—less time than a semester in college—and things do get better. You won’t have to get by on four hours of sleep for the rest of your life. Here are a few things we, and others, have learned the hard way that might help you ride out the storm together.
Humor
It’s the first thing to go when we’re stretched to the limit. But it is pretty funny—or at least it will be when it’s all over. We have two choices when the baby pukes on our last clean T-shirt—laugh or cry. Given how much crying has likely taken place already, why not give laughter a shot? Some favorite funny moments people shared with us:
• “A few weeks after the baby was born, I ventured out to buy a pizza. I returned an hour later with no pizza and no idea why I’d left the house in the first place.”
• “One time I fell asleep with the stove burners on while sterilizing bottles. I awoke God knows how much later to the smell of burning plastic and a hazy smoke filling the house. I grabbed the baby and ran to sit in the car while we waited for the fire department. The really funny part was when I did the same thing again two weeks later.”
• “One night I dreamed the baby was in bed with us, but had fallen out. I awoke in a panic and started ripping the sheets off the bed looking for her until my husband wearily pointed out she was sound asleep in her crib in the other room.”
Perspective
It’s not the time for a Relationship 101! Don’t underestimate the potential for hormones, sleep deprivation, and general baby shock to trigger an argument or two. Some people panic during this period. We have a friend who, when their first child was five weeks old, told her husband that they needed counseling. What they needed was a good night’s sleep! You are not a couple at this time. You are two people treading water. Until you’re getting an eight-hour block of shuteye for two consecutive months, you shouldn’t even think of analyzing your relationship. Neither of you are capable of coherent thought. By all means shout, tell each other how you feel, and/or hurl bottles at each other, but remember that the way you feel now will likely pass.
Call a time-out. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. One of the great advantages of having more than one child is that we can avoid some of the minefields we stepped in the first time around. On the eve of the arrival of their third child, Stacie and Ross called a time-out on their relationship for three months. They told each other, “OK, let’s get our game faces on. Let’s apologize in advance for all the crazy things we’re going to say to each other. We’ll take a time-out and know that our true selves will resurface soon enough.”
Get Some Help!
Bring on the village! Or dial 1-800-GRANDMA. Hired or otherwise, help is essential. Sure, the two of you can do this on your own, but why risk insanity or divorce if you have other options? We know that there are few men who will refuse an offer of help, so this suggestion is mostly for women. We must fight the irresistible urge and basic instinct to do it all ourselves. This isn’t easy to do. It’s not just that we love and want to protect our babies; we also want to prove to ourselves (and others) that we can do it. Guess what? We can’t do it all on our own, and we are not failures if we ask for help. Furthermore, most women are delighted to be asked to help a friend with a new baby, because being asked is a vote of confidence, a sign that the new mom considers the potential helper to be a true friend. When you think about it, not asking for help deprives our friends of an opportunity to show how much they care.
Preserve Your Couple-Dom
At some point, call an end to the time-out and make some simple efforts to reconnect as a couple. Put a little distance between yourselves and the baby. Nothing radical—the three miles between the baby and the local pizza place usually suffices.
The first post-baby date is terrifying for all new parents, though. The babysitter gets a three-volume treatise on how to change, feed, and burp the baby, and emergency numbers are printed in an EXTRA LARGE font on the fridge. It takes at least three attempts to get Mom out the front door as she remembers yet another vital piece of information: “He really doesn’t like the second song on that Baby Mozart CD, so just skip that one.” You finally make it to the restaurant and put in a quick call to make sure everything’s OK. Based on our extensive research, we’ve found that the non-baby conversation on these first dates lasts for approximately two minutes and thirty-six seconds. The dates themselves last only slightly longer, as both parents (or, most often, just Mom) are overcome with fear that the baby might be missing them. They drive home at breakneck speed to a baby who is, invariably, fast asleep, and has been since they left.
We’ve learned it is so important to pay attention to your adult relationship at this point, no matter how strongly the pull of parenthood distracts you. Try making it just the two of you a few times a month, even if it’s just going to the gym or taking a walk together. If humanly possible, try to minimize the baby conversation. If you’re like us, you’ll vaguely remember that you had plenty to talk about before she was born.
Play Nice
It’s rough in the big leagues. New parenthood will try the patience of a saint. Last time we checked, none of us were married to one. Are you? We all need to make allowances for our spouse and understand that it’s difficult for each of us. If you think your partner looks more beat up than you, try stepping in and give him or her a night off. Offer words of encouragement: “You’re a great Mom/Dad. We’ll get through this,” instead of criticism: “Have you lost your mind? I can’t believe you just put those clothes back on her when they have spit-up on them.”—at least sometimes.
Someone Should Be Sleeping
We don’t just mean the baby. Sleep deprivation can turn the sanest of women into bottle-wielding shrews, reduce grown men to tears, and cause both of you to turn marital molehills into mountains. Your ability to deal with everyday stresses and your partner’s formerly-endearing quirks gets dangerously low when you’re trying to get by on a wing and a prayer and a thirty-minute nap.
With the best of intentions, many first-timers try to share the division of baby labor “equally.” If only one person is required to feed the baby, why is the other awake at 3:00 A.M. just to change the diaper? Surely one well-rested parent is better than two barely- coherent zombies? The well-rested one can rally the exhausted one: make dinner, crack a few jokes, and take the baby for an hour or two. It should go without saying that Dad can occasionally take the baton so that everyone (i.e., Mom) gets a night or two a week of sound sleep.
Put an End to Midnight Chicken
Nobody wins this game — you know, the late night battle of wills where each parent pretends to be asleep and blissfully unaware of the screaming down the hall — in the hopes that their other half will get up and tend to the crying baby. End the late-night shenanigans by working as a team. Split up the night (for example, Dad does feedings until midnight, Mom goes to bed early and gets up after that) so that both of you get a solid block of sleep.
(8 votes, average: 4.13 out of 5)
Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, Couples Stories, Family, For Men, For Women, Gender Differences, Sex and Romance
33 Responses to “Baby…Boom!”
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So refreshing considering I have a 23 year old son and married to the same woman for 33 years!
Excellent article, its a shame too many couples don’t read and heed the valuable information put forth here before their marriages end up in a grave-yard spiral. Good going ladies……..keep up the fantastic work !!
I found this article to be offensive. It’s no wonder that couples are deciding to put off having children or not have children at all when they read something like this. What ever happened to people thinking children were a *blessing*? Yes, our marriage changed after we had our daughter. Yes, some things in life become more difficult. But ultimately it has caused us to grow and change as people and to become more mature, more giving, more selfless, and more loving. If children are really that harmful to individuals and to marriages, then how did the human race manage to survive this long? I would suggest that most of the conflicts described in this article are the result not of children being a problem, but rather that children are just a catalyst to make our self-centerdness and lack of love toward others come to the surface. Maybe we should start thinking about our children and having a heart for them. Why not consider being a *family* rather than just a “couple”. I can predict some of the first advice that will be given…leave your kids, get away from them, because they are harmful to your marriage, so forget their emotional needs and take some time for yourself. It doesn’t matter if they cry. It doesn’t matter if they miss you. It doesn’t matter if they have life-long emotional scars that they need years of counseling to overcome. You must take that two-week vacation for just the two of you or you must have your “weekly date night”. We’re the first, well, maybe the second, generation to believe such rubbish, and we have the highest rates of divorce and broken homes in history. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
I have their book, it is definetly helping my marriage.
Distorting gender stereotypes pervade this analysis, as if the decades from 1967 to 2007 did not exist. The sensible observations are little more than common sense and fairness issues. Maybe a better suggestion would be to tell men to let go of their sexism and to tell women to stop carrying all the crates. To blame children for parents stuck in gender-based prisons is ludicrous, unless of course you want to perpetuate the gender prisons for the next generation.
(We have our first anniversary last June 25,07.
I am not with my husband often, he works n a cargo ship, stayed their for 9 months, no kids yet).
Your work on this page really helps me understand more about- marriage life, having kids, relationship with my husband, and the important of not neglecful of myself.
I will read more! Thank u.
AMEN CINDY! I like your thinking. I have enough guilt from leaving my daughter (now 5) every day to go off to work…..and then come home, tired, agitated…and unfortunately that is her life. The “mommy mood after work life” …….urgh! I am kind of sick of hearing all the ways to keep the mommy and daddy together….especially when I’m a newlywed bringing a 5 year old to the marriage (he brought a 20 year old) and now we have a 3 month old….for once, I’d like to hear how to make a happy, healthy BLENDED family….gosh, my husband and I have always had children…even before we married.
In response to Thomas’ comment………… If you’re still lusting over skanky women on billboards and trashy TV commercials, and are still commiting adultry in your mind about a co-worker, then you should have stayed married to Rosie Palm and her four daughters. Grow up and act like an adult and start treating your wife with respect! Nothing is a bigger turn off than a man that disrespects women. Any woman with an ounce of self respect wouldn’t give you the time of day. I will pray for you..
Does not matter how much the man does around the house its never enough.Women simply need to understand the enormous importance sex is to men.Without it we lose our ability to feel love for our wives.The longer it goes on the farther the distance between.Just believe it is a huge catch 22 for alot of marriages,the men cannot give the women what they want because the men do not get what they NEED!
Cindy, Susan, Valerie,
FFS girls …… get with it! Not everyone was “lucky” enough to be born boring and middle-american-close-minded like you. Men are DIFFERENT from women! Did you read that bit? Perhaps your own men just don’t share with you what they share with their buddies. Ever think of that?
Yes, children are indeed a blessing. My husband’s and my relationship stayed fine after we had our first child, but after our second it has gone way downhill. We have an 11 month old and it seems like he is angry all the time now, can’t stand to hear her cry, he helped me a lot with the first one but I do EVERYTHING for both our kids now. Admittedly, I am not working and he is but I would like him to be more involved. It is sad. I really don’t want our marriage to break up over having another child but he has gotten so distant and uncaring. I don’t know what is wrong.
It’s not always the man who has the problem with the frequency of the sex life. My spouse’s libido is turned on once per month and mine would prefer to be turned on every second day. We have a 1 year old child and the whole experience has been “the miracle of life that it is” and we are blessed for it. However life doesn’t allow only highs, physical life on earth is about what goes up must come down. We can’t recognize and feel the beautiful without also having known what the ugly is. We are going through counselling at the moment and I hope the best scenario comes of it (for our child’s sake as well as our own). Not that we stay together or that we end the union. He is working 2 jobs, more than 50 and sometimes up to 80 hours per week, and not enjoying particularly one of his jobs. This may be the solution to our tension and arguing during the small amount of family time we do get to spend together. However, I’m not willing to bring up a child in a partnership that displays fighting, bickering and tension which leads to a disrespectful tone and sometimes words. May the best thing happen for everybody… Sometimes if one person doesn’t get it a relationship ends as a consequence of it, I’m under the impression everyone still can win… The child no longer has to hear her parents fighting, the person who is doesn’t contribute loses but hopefully learns for their next relationship, and the other parent either stays celibate but peaceful and happy or ultimately finds a true sacred partner and they deal with the ups and down of life together.
A word to Cindy and others focusing totally on your children. I have been married for 29 years and have two sons 18 abd 19. I spent all their lives devoted to them. Stay at home Mom, involved in everything they did. I truly enjoyed them. My husband owns his own business and wasn’t as involved with the boys or me because he was always so busy. Now I have 2 very spoiled teenagers and a husband who wants to kick them out of the house. If I could do it over I would try to focus on my husband more and maintain that relationship. The kids will be gone with their own lives and I will still be here with my husband who is now a stranger.
Pauly????????? Paul??????????
You’re just jealous! There are some descent men in the world, and obviously they are our husbands. It sounds llike you’re a little defensive………perhaps I hit a nerve? Too bad
I am very greatful to get the live experiences. My wife is carrying and we already have a baby of one year. Hoping to listen good tips from you to bring balance in my marriage.
I find myself agreeing with the above poster Cindy on this.
The article seemed a bit stero-typical and I think we’ve grown into a selfish society.
My husband and I struggled with fertility and coped with many losses to get our 2 beautiful children. Children have strengthened our relationship. We knew that having children wasn’t going to be like watching a sitcom family. We knew we would have to give up certain things -It’s reality!
I did not lose my sex drive after either children.
I wanted sex just as much, if not more when I was pregnant.
A lot of generalizations relating to the changes a marital relationship goes through after the birth of a child are defiinitely true. But like anything else in life, the differences between the success or failure of a marriage “after children” become part of the dynamic is really up to whether or not the couple are still willing to grow beyond that point from the “me” to the “we” to the “us” identity as a growing family. I am a mother of four grown sons, whose third born was the first to get married and start a family. At the baby shower for both Mom and Dad, I tried to give them both a little “sage” wisdom, but directing this comment toward my son, because from my own experience, it’s often the man is has more of a struggle in accepting the presence of this cute little “intruder” who is vying for his wife/lover now turned mother’s time and attention. They married young and he was only 20 and she 19, when their first born arrived, and each of them hadn’t really a clue what to expect from each as their lives would be changing with her birth. But I looked at Anthony (my son) as he beamed with great anticipation at the thought of becoming a “Daddy”, that the greatest gift he could give his baby was to love his wife and she him. I explained to them both that the child’s sense of security and acceptance was to be found only in the love that they both shared with each other… and this love was something that needed to be demonstrated in very practical ways before this new life coming into their lives. There would be many new challenges for both of them, but by God’s “amazing grace” they have expanded the borders of their love to share with the gift of the life of their soon to be born baby. And rather than a burden, this little one was truly to be a blessing as the child they have brought into the world was to be a physical representation to the world of the legacy of the love they shared for each other.
Hey James,
I give you alot of credit for doing that. Maybe it is something My wife and I should have thought of years ago. Good luck.
I have been married 9 years my husband its not romantic enought is not enought sex
Cindy, Susan, Valerie, and Pauly
We are all entitled to our opinions. Not to get on the wrong foot with anyone, but this website was designed to help each other, not to argue. However, I do understand that you ladies want to take care of the children first and make sure they are cared for. This is what every parent wants.
I can understand your point of view Pauly, since I am a guy. I do alot of work that I feel gets overlooked. My marriage is falling apart and we decided to try this website before making a final decision on the divorce. We have a 6yr old boy together and I have a 10yr old girl from a previous relationship.
As a man, we want to make our points clear, and will sometimes point out that “while you were out shopping, did you even notice I cleaned the bathroom, vaccumed, washed, dried, and folded the dirty clothes, and started dinner? You see when I do these things, you never notice, and I work 2 jobs to pay the bills, yada yada yada.” This may sound familiar to you.
I was given the advice of letting her notice on her own by here 1/2 sister (who I feel does not want 2 see us make it, lol). I am not on the couch anymore, as I have been “promoted” to sleeping on my son’s bottom bunk bed now, but the last few times I have cleaned w out her asking me to, she did notice and i did not bring it to her attention. She thanked me for it at the end of the night. I am obviously still not completely out of the woods yet, but we will see what happens.
I have been married for 25 years.I dated my husband 5 yrs before we got married.we are still on the honeymoon. the same thing it took to get him, should take the same thing to keep him, where did the passion go.WE HAVE A 29 YEAR old son, 2 daughters. ages 11 and 9. 2 granddaughters ages 6 and 8.you have to make time for whats important in your life, if your married is important to you, and it should be. you would do whatever necessary to keep the fire burning.don’t neglect yourself.comb your hair, go to the gym, talk a long walk.don’t forget ladies, a man goes by site,a woman goes by feelings. it is often said men are from mars, women are from venus.
As I read these comments , I am in awe.My marriage is wonderful.We have four children.My husband owns his own business and I don’t see him some days as much as I would like.But we always make some time for each other.We have family time and us time.We both have our me time.What is with all the wining about getting “help” from husbands?I do all the bookwork for my husband’s business,take care of our 4 children,and keep our house in order.What is the deal?My husband would help if I ask but I love the satisfaction of taking care of him and our children and our home.Sure some days it might get overwhelming but why complain or nag?The housework needs to be done so just do it. Maybe some ladies need a maid instead of a husband.And not having any time for yourselves as a couple is crazy.With our hectic schedule,we always squeeze in some us time.No matter how long or short.And with all our hectic schedules and days,we have a great sex life.Why would you only wnat to have sex with your huband once a month?Why bother?Intimacy is one of the key ingredients.You have to maintain a closeness or just forget it.I think if people put the effort they do into complaining and whining into their marriage they wouldn’t have as many problems.
Tanya, thats the attitude i’m looking for. You and I have similar scenarios. Unfortunately I have been brainwashed along with most of todays society that don’t know what they want. My husband has told me on countless occasions he will give me the world if i just asked the right way. Thomas was just being frank about things thats where we are. today these things are notfrowned upon its normal, cheating, divorce. Hello do we not have “strip joints”/whore houses everywhere do we honestly think nothing happens in these places with backrooms and black curtains, dozens of men drinking with cash in their pockets, lets be for real. I can relate to those wives and their complaints but realize there is a lonely woman somewhere who would love to have your husband knocking at her door, or just leaving 60% of his paycheck with her. Yes men should be great and women need to be greater. We are after all the ones that raise the men in the first place.
Tanya, I think the reason you don’t understand most everyone’s comments is that you don’t have a full-time job outside of the home. I could only imagine how much easier taking care of the To Do list would be if I had the opportunity to throw in a load of wash or unload the dishwasher at a ‘normal’ time of day rather than at 5AM or 11PM. At the end of each long day sex just seems like one more thing on the list…
Any information on maintaning our relationship while we explore parenthood is welcome. I think we are doing the responsible thing and talking about our fears and concerns about parenthood instead of just jumping in and assuming nothing will change. While I am excited to begin down the road to parenthood I cherish my current relationship with my husband and would like to do anything we can to help us prepare for the biggest change in our life.
Kids occationallly have some needs that trump everything but they will live without every meal being perfect or if you sit them in front of the TV for an hour so you 2 can be together.
Too often the parent’s love life suffers and the kids end up in a single parent home – put your relationship and each other, not the kids, first (that is putting God first). Kids will only be around 18 years, your spouse could be loving you for 50 or 60 years.
Schedule times for love and more than once a week so one of you isn’t getting turned down and humiliated over and over until he/she starts looking elsewhere – even if only in the mind.
On the help around the house – please count all the snow shoveling and car repair etc as
“housework” not just the inside stuff. I tend to do the more dangerous chores as well and
have been cut and burned and had my back go out – that should count for a bit more than
just the time spent. 10 hours of cleaning is easier than one hour of some auto repair or
heavy yard work. If one adds up all the stuff we do – including the fact that men
ususally work longer hours on the average and commute longer in order to provide I don’t
think their wives would be so bitter. Please keep your expectations resonable and less materialistic – I admit I dragged my feet on one huge project that was a total waste of time and money, just so the house looked “nicer”.
You three women did a great job at telling it like it is, in real terms. I laughed when you said, “Abso-friggin-lutely.” You obviously live in the real world like the rest of us
I found this very helpful. Here, here to what Rick said! You three are a riot! I will be back for more when the next article comes out.
In terms of what these posts are saying, all I gotta say is, “Whatever happened to balance?” It seems as though many of you who are offended by this article believe that you have to sacrifice one for the other, i.e. spouse vs. children. That seems a little wacky. And it also seems as though the ‘proud parents’ who are posting here have a lot of their own self-worth and self esteem wrapped up in their parental successes. If you put as much passion into your marriage as you do into raising your children, I think things might look a little brighter. If your children were created as an act of love, where does the love go once they arrive? Give your children the greatest gift you could ever give them, and together, as a couple, teach them how to love. Just a thought.
I think about divorcing my wife every day. She is constantly mad at me about something, and rejects and humiliates me regularly (e.g. she tells me to “hurry up” during sex, lately she asked me to stop self-gratification even though we only have sex once every three weeks or so, only because I would finish faster when we do have sex). It seems like I would be much happier without her. This article describes our situation perfectly.
I am soooo confused. I don’t know weather I married my husband to leave my difunctional family or weather I really loved him or not. I know I love him to a degree, but I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t sleep in the same bed due to his snoring. He has sleep ap but won’t go to the doctor. My husband tents not to take care of himself and that is a total turn off for me. He don’t take to my children when he gets angry, he just yells and that remings me of my childhood. So then I get mad and lose respect for him.
I find nothing confusing about our situation at all. We have a five year old son and our different parenting beliefs are painfully obvious. I am very good dad and I do all the activities with him from ball to water painting, reading books and just playing in general. She on the other hand showers him with surprises and pastes him in front of a movie or cartoons and his DS video game. She does love him as I do but hands on is not her thing. Sex is just as obvious, she wants about 15 minutes per month if I’m lucky. I don’t do the begging thing anymore. The last time that she actually initiated sex was so long ago I couldn’t tell you. The thing that keeps me here is I grew up with my Mom and Dad and I want that for my son. We don’t fight or even argue much but our relationship is existing a lot of the time.
valerie, susan, and cindy:
there’s a reason things are called “stereotypes” and “generalizations”: it’s because they happen so often.
kids, blessings that they are, are not “for better or for worse, till death do you part”. you’ll be with your spouse long after the kids have flown the nest and hatched nestlings of their own – do you honestly think you can focus one hundred percent on the kids and ignore your spouse for, what, fifteen, eighteen, twenty years and then when the kids have left the house, bingo-bango, pick up where you left off? doesn’t work like that.
furthermore, it’s vitally important that parents present a unified whole to the kids otherwise they get played one against the other (yeah, hello, i was a kid, so were my sisters, and so was everybody else i know plus i have three of my own: never heard the one “dad, mom said it was okay”/”mom, dad said it was okay if you said it was okay” bit?). if the parents don’t take time to keep in touch and reconnect, toss discipline out hte window or leave it all up to mom cause coordinating will be impossible past the stereotypical “just you wait till your father gets home!”.
at the moment, i have a baby who will be six months on the 16th. know how much time i’ve had off? exactly sixty-seven minutes and that was because i walked out on them. i told him “it’s been four months with no time off for good behaviour – i’m going for a walk and i’ll be back when i get back”. i’m breastfeeding, so i can’t share feeding duties and i was back in time for her next feeding – to find him outside in the back yard with a smoke and a beer while she was sleeping on the couch.